I was approached again by the good people at MensFitness.com. This time they were seeking out some advice on successfully negotiating a one-night stand. 

The original article can be found by going here. 

But you are probably thinking to yourself that I have left off some amazing and wise words. You would be right! It is very unusual for any journalist to use the entirety of my contributions. I'm just thrilled to be asked at all!

The Dos and Don’ts of a One-Night Stand

This all-inclusive guide to seamless, no-strings-attached sex goes out to every man who’s ever had to navigate an awkward morning-after.

Erin Stevens

Apparently, the search term "lasting longer in bed" is one of the most searched terms on MensFitness.com. 

Here is the original article in it's entirety. If you prefer to see it on the website, please click here.

I'd like to sincerely thank the great people at Men's Fitness for contacting me, and am tickled that I'm referred to as a top Sex Expert!

Last Longer in Bed! Sex Experts Tell You How

It’s no fun for her (and embarrassing for you) when it all ends... too early. We got top sexologists to reveal eight secrets for having longer, better sex.

1. Study the Kama Sutra. “There is a technique mentioned in the Kama Sutra for delaying ejaculations that basically comes down to training yourself to last longer,” says Harper. She instructs men to start slowly—with no more than one “in/out” stroke every three seconds. “He should then build more strokes slowly over the course of 4 or 5 minutes, until he is moving one stroke per second.” If the man starts to feel like he is going to come, he should stop and “hold himself inside his partner until he feels in control again. Then he begins the whole process again.”

2. Get Out of Your Head. “Performance anxiety is the number one killer of sustaining an erection,” says sex coach Dr. Patti Britton, a board-certified Clinical Sexologist. “Shift your thinking to a more confident inner voice, as opposed to a worried voice.” Britton explains that a “self-debilitating mindset” is what shuts guys down. “When you begin to feel anxiety, the strategy is to stop, take a breath, and then focus on how things feel in the body. Stay out of your head and get into your body—focus on the feelings that your body is producing for you.”

3. Change things up. The best thing to do if you’re getting close to the edge? Alter your speed, advises human sexuality expert Catherine Toyooka, the founder of Catherine Coaches sex workshops. “Try teasing her. Take your penis out and rub just the head of it sensually up and down and between her labia. Vaginas have lots of nerve endings clustered in the lower portion of their vaginal canal, so this move will still be very enjoyable for her to experience.”

4. Slow down! “Instead of the fast-paced jack-hammering style that many men are so fond of, try taking your time,” says Toyooka. Sex at a slower pace leads to a more connected experience for both people. “It’s more sensual because you are caressing and exploring the rest of her body. Kiss her neck, nuzzle her ear, let your hands gently explore her body,” she says. The most important thing to keep in mind that will help you last longer? Enjoy the journey that leads to your destination.

5. Try a different kind of exercise. Dr. Britton suggests exercising the PC muscles (or pubococcygeus muscle, if we’re being technical). They’re the ones that stretch from the anus to the urinary sphincter. To figure out how to squeeze and contract the PC muscles, try stopping your urine flow while you’re in the middle of peeing. You’ll know it when you try it. Three sets of 15 reps per day should do the trick.  “Daily PC muscle reps help a guy to literally pump himself up. Squeezing those muscles triggers good blood flow to the penis, which in turn leads to mental confidence,” she says.

6. Practice the 7 and 9 method. Similar to the Kama Sutra method (mentioned in no. 1, above), Harper recommends her favorite— the 7 and 9 technique. “It's 7 fast in/out strokes, followed by 9 slow in/out strokes. Then repeat: 7 fast, 9 slow, 7 fast, 9 slow,” she says. “This rhythm is good for guys who don't last quite as long as their partner needs, and good for the ladies as it establishes a good rhythm for her stimulation too.”

7. Don’t go deep. “If you feel that continued deep thrusting will bring on an all-too-quick orgasm, try penetrating only the lower portion of her vagina—in other words, take more shallow thrusts,” says Toyooka. “Also, alternating between shallow and deep thrusts can make you last longer, and will also make the experience a lot more fun!”

8. Squeeze. Britton recommends that men explore the “squeeze technique.” “There are three areas of the penis where squeezing or applying pressure can help a man sustain or maintain an erection.” For the first, make a tight ring with the index finger and thumb around the base of the shaft when it is erect, simulating a penile ring. It can help a man keep blood flow to the engorged penis. The second: Apply pressure on the underside of the head. “That’s a male hot spot, densely packed with nerves,”  Britton says. And finally, pressing on the “perineum,” or the spot between the anus and the base of the testicles. “It will feel like the tip of the nose. If he presses with his finger, it will congest the flow of ejaculate and help quell the early release of the erection.”

 

A week or so ago, I received the following text (I've changed the name to protect the dim-witted fool)

"I'd like to introduce myself, my name is "John"..the great one"

Now, I did what any normal person would do and ignored it. I expected that the person would go away if I didn't respond. 

Over the course of the next several hours I received no less than 5 phone calls from the same text number. "John" decided to leave me a message on the 6th call. To my surprise it was a very normal phone call. No heavy breathing and no explicit language. He merely requested that I return his phone call when I got the chance. I never called him. 

As a general rule, I tend to not return someones message unless they have told me why they have contacted me. Some might think this is bad for my business, but I have come about this rule after 4 years of running my own business. 

I've made it pretty transparent that I am not currently accepting new coaching clients at this time. In fact, you can no longer schedule a time to speak with me through my website and/or blog. I also state this on my voicemail. 

I was not looking forward to getting a barrage of phone calls for the rest of the evening, so I responded via text to "John".

My response was this:

"Hi there, I'm not sure who you are or what you are looking for, but I am not currently accepting new coaching clients at this time. I might also suggest that your approach is not great." 

He immediately responded by texting:

 "I meant no offense, "John", the great one."

I was incredibly tempted to reply saying that offending me was the absolute least of his worries. Alas, I decided to let it go. 

I used to spend my time ruminating over what exactly these type of people assume I do when I work with coaching clients. I've learned that this was an excellent act in futility. 

For better or worse (and to my chagrin), I have put myself in the position of having to deal with all sorts of nutters.

What do I mean by that?

I've had more than one potential male client request my services as a masturbation coach. I've also had a man contact me with a request to see him in a few hours as he was planning on atending some sort of sex party in the evening. And then there is the very popular request of couples asking that I watch them fornicate and then offer up my sex tips. 

If you are someone who is interested in working with a sex coach, please allow me to offer up some useful tips. 

• Read their website to see what type of coaching they offer
• Read their website to see if they are currently accepting clients
• Read their website to figure out what process is involved in becoming a new client
• Do not obsessively phone, email, or text the coach in the attempt of getting them to respond to you
• Have a solid idea of what you are looking for in terms of coaching. For example, asking for help in becoming a "sex machine" is not only ridiculous, but it is also near impossible to achieve

As a hands-off sex coach, I have seen how valuable the experience can be. Coaching allows people to safely explore their sexuality. It can also challenge people when it comes to what beliefs are keeping them from fully embracing their sexuality. 

On the other hand, I have never, ever seen coaching work well when a potential client introduces them self as being "the great one." I mean really, you might as well begin the text by saying that you are a douche bag. 

As a sexuality speaker, I have been contacted the last 4 or 5 years by the undergraduate school at Harvard University as a potential speaker for their annual sex week event. The way I understand it to work is that the committee sends out a half dozen invitations to educators who, for some reason or another, are on their radar. The committee meets and they make a final decision based on the experience of the speaker, the cost, and probably a lot more reasons I am not privy to. 

I had come to peace with the fact that I would never get to be a sexuality speaker at Harvard. Although I am a kick ass presenter this is what I am not; political, close to the sex educator community, politically correct. Let's face it, I'm a mixed race female whose been with my husband for over 21 years, and work is something I love to do much more than need to do. 

So color me surprised as shit when I was cordially invited to speak for the Harvard University Graduate School or Arts & Sciences. I'll also be meeting with the fabulous students at the Graduate School for Public Health, so that is just a wonderful added bonus. Probably the thing I am most excited about is the fact that I have been asked to speak to students who identify as people of color. In the past, I've made mention to the fact that, in over 10 years of being in the sexuality field, It's become abundantly clear to me that there are precious few speakers who appear to be of color. 

Here is the flyer the organizer put together to announce my speaking event:

from 2-4pm at the 

Harvard College Women's Center, Canaday "B" Basement

 in Harvard Yard

I met the amazing woman responsible for bringing me to Harvard several years ago. It blows my mind that it was literally one interaction that happened about 4 years ago that was the impetus of a wonderful and supportive friendship. 

I'm sad that my BFF is not able to accompany me to the presentations. Harvard had been breathing down his smart and sexy neck as they were trying to court him into their Doctorate of Public Health program. It's funny, but I immediately thought of him when I knew the speaking engagement was a go. Somehow, I think I am better when he is around me. 

It's also makes me really sad that both my parents aren't alive to see their baby speak at Harvard. It's truly amazing how some achievements can be so bittersweet. 

I've got lots of packing to do, and I don't want to forget anything behind, so I'm going to wrap up this blog post.  

Here's the deal. I've become acutely aware of how others view me in regards to being part of a couple over the past few months. When my husband got the news that he was sick, we embarked on exhaustive and comprehensive consultations with not one, but two different medical centers. 

I hadn't been working that much as I desperately needed to take time off when my father became sick. I had already been feeling like I needed some sort of break, and hearing about my dad, and his prognosis, seriously shook me to my core. 

Learning about my husband literally brought me to me knees (only this time it was not for the purpose of fellatio). I made a silent contract with him that I would support him as much as he needed and that included scheduling and coordinating doctor's visits, body scans, and his future treatments. Hell, I even threw in a verbal "I'll even see your family face to face" for good measure. Believe me when I say that this was no small gesture. My husband and I had decided years ago to segregate me from his family. It's less stress on him, and he doesn't have to worry about me face-punching a particular person while in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant. 

I've been through A LOT in my life, and I can tell you that there is nothing more excruciating than waiting for a diagnosis and treatment plan when it comes to a loved one. I can't express this enough. 

Something curious started happening once we were plugged into the 2 medical centers. My husband was still working pending a final diagnosis. What ended up happening is that he saw no less than 3 specific doctors at each medical center. Each individual doctor ordered at least one (if not two or three) additional tests. And guess what? All those tests need to be scheduled. It became very clear to my husband that the medical team were calling me a hell of a lot more than they were calling him. They had all met me at one time or another, so it didn't seem weird to me. But, it kind of felt weird to my husband. After all, he was the one who was sick, and I was getting all the medical calls. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't hurt or upset by this. He just found it amusing that I had so quickly bonded with the medical teams (he calls this my "super power"), and that they opted to call me first. 

Thankfully, he has completed his initial treatment. There is still much more to come, but I see this as a huge accomplishment. 

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have the option of stopping work. Working for myself allows me that flexibility, and I'm not sure what my game plan would have been if I were working for the "man". It became increasingly clear that the vast majority of the patients were alone when getting their treatment. Very few had a partner, family member, or someone else waiting for them in the waiting area. I know that everyone has their own set of circumstances, and many partners are simply not able to accompany their loved one to medical appointments due to work, children, and what have you. Again, I know my situation blessed me with the freedom to accompany my husband to all of his various treatments. I honestly don't know how people get through daily medical treatments without a strong support system. Being able to spend this time with him allowed me to help share the emotional, physical, and psychological distress of his diagnosis. 

To be honest with you, it never even occurred to me that I would NOT go with my husband (and drive the 90 mile round trip) for his daily treatments that lasted for 6 weeks. Even though my father had just recently passed away, I knew deep down that it was what needed to be done. If nothing else, I know for certain that I can look back upon this difficult time and admit that I did good by my husband. In fact, it was one of his doctors who noticed me everyday in the waiting area. This caused him to ask my husband about the frequency of my attendance. He was surprised to hear that I literally didn't leave his side since he has become sick. He also told my husband that he was "a very lucky man!" 

We both got to know the members of his medical team pretty well--at least as much as one can possibly connect with medical staff when seeing them 5 times a week for many weeks. Now, I've already mentioned that my husband and I look quite young for our age. After a few weeks of treatment, we began asking the staff how long they thought we had been married. Most said between 5 and 10 years. That is not at all uncommon for us to hear. The most wrong answer we ever got was from one of our most like-able physicians. His answer, after thinking about it a moment, was 3 years. I had no problem telling him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but that was the single most wrong answer we have ever heard. When he told him we have been married for over 17 years, he was quite shocked. In fact, I believe the next words out of his mouth were "wow...you guys still seem so happy." My usual response to this is that we are happily child-free.

I guess the point of the this blog post is having the realization that people can obviously see how much my husband and I adore each other. To many people, we appear to still be in the honeymoon phase. Thinking about this humbles me and brings a huge smile to my face.

I never expected my husband to become gravely ill, and having that occur at the same time of my dad's sickness was almost too much for me to handle. Luckily I have an amazing support system. I can not say this enough. The people in my life who have and continue to support me are doing the work of angels. 

This may be wishful thinking, but I would like to imagine that my husband has found new ways of falling in love with me. He has never personally experienced the "getting shit done" Catherine mode in this particular way before. His sickness has helped to solidify our relationship, but it goes way beyond that. Being able to get people in the medical world (and remember that they see a ton of people every single day) to believe we are still newlyweds is kinda priceless. 

As a seasoned sexuality educator I am totally aware that not engaging in sexual activity for an extended period of time is not uncommon. Moreover, being a sex educator does not make me immune to long periods where I am simply not feeling sexual. I get the feeling that many people imagine us sex educators as people who engage in hot and heavy,
"swing-from-the-chandelier sex" as much as possible. While this very much may be true for some, it is decidedly not true for me. 

I've been trying to put a time frame on the last time I had sex and the best I can come up with is that is was sometime in early September, 2012. 

Shocking, no?

Well maybe not so much when you consider my ridiculous life since then. I won't bore you all with the details, so I will just give a short re-cap:

• 9/2012    My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer
• 10/2012  My husband was diagnosed with a serious illness that will take the better part of a year to treat
• 11/2012  My dad very unexpectedly passed away
• 12/2012  I had emergency eye surgery for a hole in my retina
• 12/2012  My husband was taken by ambulance to the ER/hospital where he stayed for 2 nights
• 1/2013  My husband begins his grueling treatments
• 1/2013  We put down our loving 19 year old cat

One of the biggest reasons I have had zero desire for sexual activity is due to the fact that I am currently on 3 different anxiety medications. Yep, 3 of em. They reek havoc on my libido, yet allow me to continue to get up and dust myself off in the face of all this shit. 

I should probably make it clear that my lack of desire has nothing to do with my attraction to my husband. I mean, you've seen pictures of him haven't you? He is ridiculously handsome! I've always known this (and it's the reason I approached him in the first place), but I have come to learn that he is quite the topic of conversation amongst my girlfriends...and when I say girlfriends, I mean gay friends. 

It is a pretty dark time in the Toyooka household when I can see my Hitachi Magic Wand on the floor next to my bed and not get the slightest of tingles. In short, I kinda feel like my nether regions are dead. The bottom line is that I can not will myself to feel something that, in my current state, appears to have no feelings, quivering, or stirrings. 

It's also been near impossible for me to do any type of meaningful work. My heart, head, and soul are not in a good place right now. For me to talk about pleasure at this particular moment in time is beyond my ability. 

On the bright side, I am confident that my sexual desire will come back to me once my life is a little less chaotic. So while it may seem shocking and maybe even a little embarrassing to admit that I haven't engaged in any type of fornication in months, I feel that admitting it will help normalize the experience that I am sure many of you have felt. 

Because I'm still the same Catherine deep down, I have found some video clips that I immediately thought about as I was formulating this blog post. 

For the first clip from Roseanne, you should skip ahead to minute 16--the part I'm referring to resides in 16.00 - 16.50. It's hilarious and how I feel. 

For the second clip from SNL, skip ahead to minute 3.14

Related articles

She's Come Undone

Picking Up the Pieces