Like literally hundreds of other people, the authors of Catsandbeer.com love crazed sports memorabilia pitchman Don West. LOVE him. Goddamn do we miss dozing off to Don’s melodious screeching after a long Saturday night of most likely watching Don West sell worthless shit on TV.

But with the advent of YouTube, while we didn’t get any new DW, we did get many hours of classic Don due to the hard work of great men like McP485 and cybermud. And now I would like to make my own contribution to the greater global Westosphere – may I be karmically repaid with someone FINALLY uploading clips of Don screaming about Pokemon cards.

What you’re seeing is a playlist containing all 122 videos currently on YouTube of Don selling sports nonsense, Beanie Babies, and even Mother’s Day jewelry! Anticipating one of the countless inevitable questions regarding methodology, I will explain that I left out the "Smoke Arrest" clips because – while they are not lacking in their own particular charm – their tone and pacing just don’t jive with the rest of the videos and I wanted all manic Don, all the time.

Folks, do yourself a favor and click the following link for an all-night party shuffle version of the Don West Megamix. Kill the lights, crank that shit up, and pleasant dreams…

I want it.

Actually, I want all of Mike Tomlin’s facial hair. How does he keep everything so neat? I need a black man to teach me proper grooming.

How does one maintain a beard that uniformly short? Does he have a personal barber who shaves him every morning? (and afternoon?)

And even if he does have his own live-in barber, how does the barber get that thing like that? I seriously have no idea – my father never taught me to shave and even if he had I doubt he would have known such advanced techniques.

I asked my stepbrother Chris about Mike Tomlin’s beard. He agreed it’s a very fine beard. I asked Chris who else has a beard of such quality and if it would be possible for me, a white man, to grow one. He wasn’t sure, but did point out that Arnold Schwazzenger had an impossibly short beard in Predator.

But really, it’s not the same; Arnold’s looks more like a grease stain or paint smear than it does facial hair. It’s not like Mike’s.

How does he shave it down to just those thin bars connecting sideburn and beard with such precise symmetry? I tried, failed, and then had to just shave everything off.

Now, just like everyone else, when I first saw Mike Tomlin I thought, "Wow, the new Steelers coach looks exactly like actor Omar Epps." And he does. But you know what’s strange? I’ve never once looked at Omar Epps and thought, "Damn, Omar Epps has a great beard." Curious.

So if any black people or barbers/stylists of any race out there know how Mike does it, please leave a comment letting me know, even if that comment carries the bad news that my genes won’t allow it. I’d rather find out the sad truth now than go on living not knowing. Thanks.

The following is a list of things you can spell using elements from the Periodic Table. As a brilliant and mature chemist, I will be creating these compounds in a laboratory to see if any have useful scientific properties. I’m pretty sure my list isn’t definitive, so if you know more then please let me know. Thanks.

FUCK
CoCK
BOOBS
VAgINa
CuMoRbS
PIN CoCK
GaY CAt
BrO SUCK
ClOWN PISS PoRn
BArF TaCo
HoBAg
PHISH IS CRaP
AsS LuBe
CrOTcH AcNe
FeCaLrAm RaGe
PuBe DyEr ClInIC
MoISTaNUS
ClAmS CaUSe CaNCEr
FArTcUMoNbOYS
LiCK SYRuP FrOM AgUYS AsS
CrAm FISTiN RhInO SnAtCH
BiTcHY LaDy CuThEr FUNBAgS OFF
BeY IS AgReAt LaTe WAtCH
NeVEr SnIFF FINGeR BeFORe PuReLuSe
EuGeNICs IS NOTa SIN
FeCeS CaUSe BOYS Ta WHaCK OFF
Bi BOYS GeTiTiNaSSCrAcK
CRaP In CoP CArS
FOReSKInS ArEuNNeCeSSArY
CuTlEr InSTiGaTeS RaCe WAr
NeCrOPHILiAc CrAcK SMoKEr

100% Anus.

100% Delicious.

(Yes, I properly translated the Spanish version too.)

The Southern Drainages

Big Cottonwood Canyon is sort of like two canyons in one. While the drainages on the northern side are generally gentle and tree-filled, the southern drainages often share far more in common with their cousins over the ridge in Little Cottonwood Canyon. On the south side, expect to find abundant tree skiing down low and plenty of steeps and chutes up high. Despite the northerly aspect of these drainages, they are pure southern. Don’t expect to find much support for abortion rights; do expect to find waffles with your fried chicken.

1. Broads Fork

RT: 12-15 miles
Elevations: 6,000’-11,330’
Gain: 3,000’-6,000’

Broads Fork is a massive basin that lies close to the head of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Its head is flanked by the soaring Salt Lake Twins, O’ Sullivan and Dromedary Peaks. Although good tree skiing can be found low in the basin, the all-star descents of Broads Fork come off the northeastern aspects of Twin Peaks. However, ski tourers should be aware that the opens snowfields on the Twin Peaks lie over smooth slabs of rock and are prone to glide avalanches. Glide avalanches are always preceded by prominent glide cracks that signal the increased strain in the snowpack. These cracks are a great indicator that a glide avalanche is imminent. The simplest way to avoid being caught in a glide avalanche is to worship God via the teachings of the one true faith. Expect 8-9 hours to complete a tour in Broads Fork.

2. Mill B South

RT: 8-12 miles
Elevations: 6,000’ – 11,000’
Gain: 3,000’ – 5,000’

Although similar to its next-door neighbor Broads Fork, Mill B South is a wider basin that offers less-exposed travel for the avalanche-weary tourer. The main attraction of this basin is a trio of lakes beneath a spectacular rock arête known locally as “Sundial Peak.” The three lakes, Blanche, Florence and Lillian, are named in memoriam for the three plural wives of Mormon pioneer Robert Cornwall. All 3 woman were found dead and mutilated in the upper basin on July 7, 1847. Although the mutilation appeared to be the work of scavenging of wolves, all three women had branded into their abdomen the words “In precisely 100 yeers, we will retern to impregnate ur hot asien women.[sic]” Precisely 100 years later to the date, an unidentified flying object would crash in the desert near Roswell, NM and multiple Asian women would become pregnant. It remains unknown if these incidents are related. Also puzzling is the appearance of the bodies 17 days before Mormon pioneers would reach the Wasatch Front. Hence, whoever performed these grizzly murders most likely had Quantum Leap technology. Ski tourers should explore above the lake for powder shots in the areas where coyotes or other scavengers feasted upon the detached limbs of the deceased ladies.

3. Cardiff Fork

RT: 12-14 miles
Elevations: 7,300’ – 11,040’
Gain: 2,000’ – 4,000’

Cardiff Fork offers something for everyone, from pleasant tree-skiing along the eastern flanks of Kessler Peak, to spine-tingling descents off of Cardiac Ridge and the north face of Mt. Superior. Chute skiing enthusiasts will also find spectacular west-facing runs off of Reed and Benson Ridge including the famed Hallway Couloir. During the long skin into the basin, tourers are encouraged to stop and peruse the interpretive signage detailing the decades-long history of the AIDS virus and the continuing effort to find a cure for it. At the end of the basin, past Montreal Hill, ski tourers have the option of making a donation, 10% of which goes to a major AIDS charity. The remaining 90% goes to maintaining the interpretive trail and rotating photo montage at mile 2.7.

4. Days Fork

RT: 8-10 miles
Elevations: 7,400’ – 10,561’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,500’

In 2005, the naming rights to this basin were purchased by Wyndham Worldwide, the parent company of the Days Inn chain of hotels. Prior to 2005, the basin was known as “Progressive Fork.” Ski tourers can expect a moderate tour at a reasonable price. At the time of this publication, the basin was closed to the public due to a bedbug infestation.

5. Silver Fork

RT: 6-9 miles
Elevations: 7,700’ – 10,200’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,000’

Silver Fork is a near replica of its neighbor Days Fork. Expect to find a mixture of trees and open meadows with little in the way of difficult steeps or chutes. Although reasonable access is available by skinning up from the Big Cottonwood Road, most choose to access this basin by skinning over from the Flagstaff area of Alta in Little Cottonwood Canyon. Such ski tourers are almost exclusively sex criminals and infected with multiple venereal diseases*. Female ski tourers are encouraged to always travel in the company of a man, preferably one with martial arts training and possibly handgun experience. Should they travel unaccompanied, all female skiers in Silver Fork should be immediately screened for STDs and issued a does of emergency contraceptive as they will have likely been inseminated by a rapist skier from Alta**. Expect a tour in Silver Fork to take little more than 5 hours as the grades are generally gentle and the skin tracks good.

The Northern Drainages

The northern drainages of Big Cottonwood Canyon are a world away from their southerly neighbors. For starters, elevations on the north side never exceed the magical ten thousand foot mark except for a few isolated peaks along the ridgeline. Additionally, the drainages show little evidence of glacial activity, leaving behind smoother, less steep terrain. Due to the limited amount of rugged, challenging terrain, many have dubbed northern Big Cottonwood Canyon as “gay.” This is, in fact, a gross oversimplification. While the soft, rounded peaks do have a distinctly effeminate quality, upon closer inspection one will realize that the peaks’ sensitivity masks an understated masculinity that is both independent and self-assured. Call the northern canyons gay all you want; the fact is that they get all the ladies.

1. Mill B North

RT: 8-20 miles
Elevations: 6,200’ – 9,750’
Gain: 3,000’ – 6,000’

Mill B North is not the most pure of ski touring destinations, but it does serve as a gateway to several worthy objectives. Hidden within the drainage is the mystical Whipple Couloir. Touring to the high ridgeline gives access to northerly descents into Neffs Canyon via Thomas Fork. A simple way to remember this is to think of splitting open a Thomas’ English muffin with a fork. Due to the low elevation and southerly aspect of the lower drainage, expect poor snow conditions low down. Mill B tourers often choose to run shuttles to other canyons.

2. Butler Fork

RT: 8-20 miles
Elevations: 7,200’ – 10,246’
Gain: 2,500′-4,000′

Butler is perhaps the largest and most varied drainage on the north side of Big Cottonwood Canyon. Skiing can be found on every possible aspect and elevation here, so good turns can always be found. Popular descents include the east face of Mt Raymond (everybody loves Raymond! – thank you.), the north side of Reynolds Peak, and great lines off of virtually every aspect of Gobblers Knob. Many teenage boys find the name “Gobblers Knob” very humorous, but the peak was named for a very important man: Ephraim Gobbler, the first comptroller of the state of Utah. Gobbler instituted a number of financial reforms that brought the Mormon banking system in line with federal standards, paving the way for Utah’s adoption into the union in 1896. The Utah legislature voted to name the tallest peak on the Big Cottonwood/Mill Creek ridgeline after Gobbler, or more specifically after his knob. We can all agree that there’s nothing humorous about that. Look for excellent north-facing descents into Alexander Basin off the summit of Gobblers Knob. Expect 2-3 hours to get on top of Gobblers Knob.

3. Mill D North

RT: 9-12 miles
Elevations: 7,300’ – 9,600’
Gain: 2,000’ – 5,000’

Mill D North offers traditional Big Cottonwood touring with paltry amounts of humor. There’s tree-skiing and meadow-skipping in every direction and you can do some longer tours into upper Mill Creek or along the Park City ridgeline from here. But really, what’s the point? It’s devoid of mirth. It’s like attending the trial of the man who murdered your wife and unborn child. If you want to ski Mill D North, try Little Water Peak. At least Little Water is kind of like “making a little water” which would be a euphemism for urination. That’s funny, but in a pretty ephemeral way. You can ski Little Water off of any aspect but it won’t make a difference.

4. Beartrap Fork

RT: 6-8 miles
Elevations: 7,600’ – 9,990’
Gain: 2,000’ – 3,000’

A simple anagram for Beartrap Fork is “Fork-rape Bart.” For obvious reasons, the author of this guide has never skied Beartrap Fork. He hears there is reasonable tree skiing when avalanche conditions are dangerous.
* All Alta skiers are rapists. Even the women.
** To reiterate, all Alta skiers are sex criminals and are infected with multiple venereal diseases, usually the ones that can’t be cured by antibiotic intervention. When you think Alta, think herp, warts, HPV, the A-word, Hep and probably SARS too.

Okay this is my first try at fan fiction so I hope nobody thinks it sucks lol. Also please don’t copy it or use it without my permission because plagiarism isn’t cool. Anyway, I hope this goes over good because I’m trying to convince Brian to turn this into a fan fiction site instead of stupid political stuff or whatever. Beside this one, I have some other good ideas like a hilarious crossover where Walker Texas Ranger battles the Cloverfield monster or a story where the whole crew from Duck Tales gets stuck on a pirate ship haunted by ghost pirates. Anyway, here’s my story. Hope you like it!

******

The Bar None Gang Saves Robert F Kennedy

By Keith

Chapter 1

The bus door swung open as the hot, dry air poured in to the front stairwell. Budnick squinted as he stepped down onto the dusty gravel driveway and set his duffel bag down.

“This place bites the big one!” Budnick exclaimed as he turned to see Donkey Lips emerging from the bus. Donkey Lips stopped beside his friend and looked around at their new home, the Bar None Ranch.

“No Duh! I can’t believe Dr. Kahn shhent usssh here jusssht becausshe we hung Ug’shh underwear up in the messsh hall!” said Donkey Lips. “Now we won’t even get the chanssh to sshrow Shhponge in the lake while he’s shhleeping!”

Budnick paused then grabbed for his duffel. “Let’s get out of here.” But just as he turned to get back on the bus, the door slammed shut and the Greyhound lurched forward with a squeal as the brakes released. Budnick and Donkey Lips stood in a cloud of dust as the bus pulled away. Suddenly they heard the sound of approaching footsteps crunching on the gravel from behind them.

“Well, hey there new camper friends!” exclaimed a voice as a murky figure emerged from beyond the cloud of dust. The two stranded friends turned back toward the front of the ranch to see Mr. Ernst walking toward them and waving enthusiastically. “Welcome to the Bar None Ran…ooooof!!!” Mr. Ernst lurched forward and fell to the gravel as he tripped over his own cowboy boot-clad feet. “Who put that there!” He exclaimed as he searched for a phantom object to excuse his own clumsiness.

“What a dork!” laughed Budnick as Donkey Lips nodded in agreement and replied, “No Duh!”

Mr. Ernst stood up and brushed the lightly-colored dust from his jeans. He snickered sheepishly then recomposed himself as he again faced the boys. “Well, let’s gather up your belongings and get you boys to the bunkhouse. I bet once you two settle in you’ll find the Bar None every bit as fun as Camp….uhhhh….what was your camp called again?”

Budnick and Donkey Lips faced each other and with devilish grins proclaimed in boisterous shouts, “Camp Anawanda! We hold you in our hearts! And when we think about you, it makes us wanna fart!”

Mr. Ernst laughed brightly and threw his hands up. “That’s the spirit, boys! Let’s go!” He turned swiftly and began striding back toward the ranch. Budnick shrugged and scowled as the two boys grabbed their duffel bags and dispiritedly followed the ranchkeeper toward their new home.

****

Ted pushed down on the latch and pulled forward on the rusty handle to throw the shed door open. As he entered the cool, dark confines of the shed, Ted grasped blindly into the space above his head searching for the pull cord of the ceiling light. He found it and turned on the light with a quick tug just as Danny entered through the just-opened door.

“What a bunch of junk,” Ted remarked as he gazed amongst the heaps of long-forgotten artifacts stored inside the shed. “It’ll take forever to find anything in here!” Danny nodded with a look of resigned acceptance. The two ranch hands moved toward opposite sides of the shed and began reshuffling the randomly scattered objects heaped about. “Hey check this out!” exclaimed Ted as he pulled a stuffed eagle out from within a stack of old tractor tires.

“The eagle is sacred to my people,” said Danny. “We believe the soaring eagle carries the souls of our departed ancestors to the spirit world above.”

“Well this one isn’t carrying any spirits anymore!” remarked Ted as Danny shook his head solemnly. The two continued searching in a futile effort to find the hinges needed to repair the broken gate to the horse pen. Ted began pulling large wooden fence poles away, suddenly revealing a large metal object. “What the heck is this thing!?” exclaimed Ted puzzledly. “Come give me a hand.”

Danny joined Ted and the two began removing objects from around the large bell-shaped pod. It was tall enough to almost touch the roof rafters and was smooth and shiny like aluminum. Ted walked around the object looking it up and down until stopping at the far side. He found a knob about chest high on the pod and pulled, causing a metal door to swing open. Behind the metal door was a dusty control panel of buttons and gauges. Ted blew on the panel causing a billowing cloud to fly into the faces of two stunned workers. They choked and frantically waved their hands in front of their faces desperately trying to clear the dust. Finally, Ted reached forward and began wiping the last of the dust from a row of adjustable dials.

“Month. Day. Year. Time. What is this thing?” said Ted as he stared in puzzlement. “My senses tell me that it’s what your people refer to as a time machine,” replied Danny. “Perhaps we should tell the others.”

****

Brad strode through the door and plopped down on her cot with a groan. “What happened to you! You’re all filthy!” cried Melody as she looked at her disheveled bunkmate.

“Buddy was trying to teach Cassie to fetch a Frisbee but he threw it into the horse pen and spooked them. The horses ended up stampeding through the gate so I spent all afternoon rounding them up while Ted and Danny fixed the gate.”

Melody shook her head and rolled her eyes at Buddy’s latest caper. “Like father, like son.”

“So what have you been up to with your day off?” asked Brad as Melody set aside her open book.

“I’ve been reading the most amazing book. Do you know much about Robert F Kennedy?” queried Melody.

“I’ve heard of him but I don’t know that much about what he did,” responded Brad as she settled into her bunk.

“He was such an incredible person. I’ve been reading this book and thinking a lot about what it would’ve been like if he had become president,” said Melody as she shrugged ruefully.

“Well, it’s too bad we can’t go back in time and change history,” responded Brad as she began pulling off her boots.

****
“Your mail for today, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?” said Rosa Jenkins, the loyal secretary to Robert F. Kennedy.

“Thank you Ms. Jenkins. Could you please see to it that I have no further distractions until the room service attendant arrives with my lunch?” replied Robert.

“Yes, sir,” Rosa respectfully replied as she turned to leave the room, closing the doors behind her as she left. Robert turned to the fresh stack of mail and began sorting through it. One letter caught his attention above all the others – a note from Republican candidate Richard Nixon. Robert quickly set aside all the other letters and opened the one from his rival.

“Dear Robert,” the letter read. “I hope this letter finds you in good health. While I have listened carefully to your arguments, I must respectfully disagree with your position on land development. I will do everything in my power, should I be elected president in November, to encourage the expansion of communities into lands currently reserved for other purposes. Although I recognize that such expansion would pose a threat to dude ranches and summer camps throughout America, I believe that it is a small price to pay for economic growth. Yours truly, Richard Milhouse Nixon.”

Robert shook his head and sighed. “It’s all up to me,” he whispered under his breath as he set the letter aside. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and a muffled voice proclaimed “Room Service!” Without hesitation, RFK replied, “Come in.” Robert looked up from the notes and letters spread across the table to see a uniformed hotel attendant standing before him with an array of foods on a wheeled cart.

“Your lunch, sir. Tuna salad on toasted wheat, melon salad, a slice of raspberry cheesecake and a glass of grapefruit juice. Is there any other way I can be of service to you today, sir?” stated the attendant with a light accent to his English.

“Excellent,” said RFK as he glanced at his watch, “And very punctual too. My secretary said 45 minutes but you were here in less than 30. I admire that sort of dedication to service.” Robert grabbed for his wallet and grimaced as he found an insufficient supply of cash to tip the attendant as he saw fit. “You’ll have to forgive me as I don’t quite have enough to compensate you as I’d like. But you have my word that I’ll find you later and give you the rest when my staff arrives for this afternoon’s speech.”

“Yes, sir. That is not a problem,” said the attendant as a thin smile spread across his lips. “I’m quite sure I’ll be seeing you again.”

“By the way,” posed Robert, “What’s your name so I can find you?”

“It’s Sirhan…..Sirhan Sirhan.”

****

Okay, so that’s chapter one which is all I’ve written so far lol but I couldn’t wait to share! Chapter 2 will be coming soon and you probably already know that the whole gang will be using the time machine to go back and save RFK, but you still don’t know how they’re gonna do it. And you don’t know how the time machine ended up on the ranch which I’ll explain too. Also, I might write a subplot where Budnick and Donkey Lips accidentally meet the Beatles and play some Guns ‘n Roses for them, forever changing the course of music history. But that might be stupid so you’ll just have to wait and find out if I write that or not. Maybe a better subplot would be Buddy meeting his Dad as a teenager and learning that they have a lot in common beneath all of his Dad’s dorkiness. Let me know what you think!!!!

Sent: Sunday, October 27, 2002 11:22 PM
Subject: Grimace
From: "Brian" <xxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com>
To: "McDonald’s" <xxxx@mcdonalds.com>

I want to convey to the McDonald’s corporation my approval of the recent spate of television advertisements featuring Grimace.

Long have I been intrigued by this rotund, lovable, purple enigma, and long have I believed that he was not being utilized as the important marketing tool he truly could be. Ronald McDonald may prove to always be the character that butters corporate McDonald’s McMuffin, and I am not suggesting that he be removed from future campaigns, I simply want to express my fondness for "The Grimace" and desire that he continues to be used, and in an ever-expanding capacity, in your television, radio, Internet, and traditional print advertisements.

I vaguely remember commercials from my youth that featured this jellybean gent, but can not recall if his, let us say, limited cognitive abilities were showcased as adorably as they have been alongside media luminaries Donald Trump and Cedric the Entertainer. His blank stares, doe-eyed blinks, and hesitant arm movements all capture wonderfully this amiable character finding himself in circumstances that he perhaps does not fully understand. And the most recent reintroduction of that nefarious Hamburglar begs the question: who will return next? Birdie? The Fry Guys? Dare I dream … Mayor McCheese???

America, at least this loyal consumer, waits with bated breath. Let Grimace and his band of forgotten friends lead the McDonald’s march into the coming year and beyond (and not in animated form, please). 2003: The Year of the Grimace!

Sent: Thursday, October 31, 2002 4:01 PM
Subject:Message from McDonald’s Corp
From: "McDonald’s Corporation" <xxxxxxxxxxxx @mcd.com>
To: "Brian" <xxxxxxxxxxx @yahoo.com>

Hello Brian:

Thank you for writing to McDonald’s about Grimace. We also love this big, purple guy.

Everyone in McDonaldland loves Grimace because of his innocent, loving nature. He’s enthusiastic, eager and easily pleased. Grimace walks with a rolling gait, and can’t be classified as any particular kind of animal.

While I’m not sure when you’ll see Grimace or any of the other McDonaldland characters featured in our commercials, your comments are important to us and have been shared with our Advertising team for their review.

Again, thanks for thinking of Grimace. We look forward to serving you for many years to come.

Christopher
McDonald’s Customer Satisfaction Department

ref#:1038584

“Who do you want Rhino to make a fan video for?”

“For whom do you want Rhino to make a fan video?,” assholes.

I’m mature.

From 1999’s Any Given Sunday, Coach Tony D’Amato (Al Pacino) delivers an inspirational locker room speech made significantly less inspirational through remixing by Catsandbeer.com.