Confusion DeathMonkey

CDM Ep: 107 The NEW Gay

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:41:10 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris get the show recorded ahead of schedule then forget to edit it and forget what it’s all about. All we do know is that Gay is the new Black.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re nothing if not progressive.

CDM Ep 106: More like Whitney WHO-ston

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 14:16:18 +0000

This week on Confusion DeathMonkey: The show runs a little long and gets posted a little late and it’s all because Jim got early access to the Mass Effect 3 Multi Player Demo and refused to enter a room that didn’t have an X-Box for two days. Whitney Houston died, Chris phones it in, and Jim’s a whore.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and our love is your love

CDM Ep 105: There’s like, A LOT of pee…

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:19:26 +0000

In this episode we talk about the no-lube rape prices of drinks at Stanford and Son’s comedy club in Kansas City KS, the “Shit your pants or sit in pee conundrum”, and Chris’ kid is some kind of urine sniper prodigy.

Note: Due to some second segment "tech-douchery" we had to rerecord the second segment a week after the show was done. We have honed our podcastery skills to perfection so we're sure you won't even be able to tell the difference.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re more than just dick and fart jokes.

CDM Ep 104: Family Tree Surgeons

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:48:01 +0000

This week’s podcast is in a slightly different format because we sort of fell into doing a podcast while testing equipment. In this episode, Chris pees on Jim’s family tree, Jim calls Chris’ last name “Subpar”, and Jim is nervous about having to do Shakespeare.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey, if you prick us do we not bleed?

CDM Ep 103: Squishy Carpet

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:22:51 +0000

In this episode of CDM Jim talks about the benefits of better living through chemistry, Chris talks about shitting all over his house, and later a bus load of preteens may or may not be in danger of being sexually assaulted.

This is Confusion DeathMonkey and we plead the fifth.

CDM Ep 102: The Fear of Fear

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:12:38 +0000

In this Episode Jim has discovered better living through chemistry, Chris is afraid of fear, and for a moment there we get a little lost.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and there aren’t enough bread crumbs in the world to find your way out of one of our conversations.

CDM Ep 101: Eagle Fucking

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:16:20 +0000

In this episode Jim and Chris return with Kung Fu Jason to bring you another hour of random humor and observations. In this episode we Chris and Jason discuss their mutual love of stuffing. There's a new Underworld Movie coming out, and new commercials!

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're back like a bad case of the herp.

CDM Ep 100: Flashback Episode

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 19:35:58 +0000

Jim and Chris invite Helal the intern and their biggest fan Darren along to do their 100th episode. In this one we talk about our favorite moments and what’s to come in the future for CDM. So kick back and get all nostalgic like 40 year-old chick who still wears her prom dress.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and in our day we were pretty awesome.

CDM Ep 99: Mill all the Puppies

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 07:44:56 +0000

On this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris talk about binge drinking Jim can remember theme songs from shows that are over two decades old even though he can’t remember the president’s name, both Jim and Chris are politically apathetic, and we talk about our plans for episode 100.
We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’ve already checked out on our vacation.

CDM Ep 98: Everything Awesome Happens in the Shitter

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:49:18 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris moves into a new palce and gets in a fight with his shower, Jim gets out of his shower and gets in a fight with two cats, both guys have stories about Thanksgiving and Jim is shocked by orgasms at the DMV.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re thankful for all the wonderful people that listen to our show even though they don’t by T-Shirts or spread the word like good listeners should.

CDM Ep 96: The Curse of CDM Episode 96

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 13:50:28 +0000

This show took so long to post I’m not even sure what’s in it. I’m pretty sure at the end Chris says I should have died as a child and we talk about my idea for a sketch called “Dumpster Cats” which Chris seems to think is the apocalypse of comedy. So hee it is folks, Episode 96. Almost a full week after Episode 97. Enjoy.

-Jim

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we like catchy sayings at the end of our show descriptions.

CDM Ep 97: Death and Taxes

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 06:03:03 +0000

In this episode we talk about taxes, creditors, cable and cell phone providers, Jim’s going insane, and Thanksgiving dinner, and a whole new level of terror “Super getting fucked”. We also talk shit on our good buddies Curtis Row and Eric "Screen Looker" Woods and discuss if it's okay for strangers to think they're gay.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’ll have the pie.

CDM Ep 95: Dream a little dream

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 01:56:14 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey: Chris is looking for change but has little to go on, Jim Villines is the Worst Wingman Ever, Chris is probably mad about something and Jim went on a date. In the third segment we talk about sex dreams, shit dreams, and Jim’s dick.
We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we shit class.

CDM Ep 94: The Safety Word is Banana

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:11:36 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Alison (A.K.A. ComfyTaskChair) rejoins the crew as the new intern, again. Comfy and Jim both are already drunk before Chris gets there thus prompting instant rage and oversight of a missing third segment. In the parts of the show we did record we talked about sexy costumes we haven’t seen yet and our discussion about the upcoming holidays leads us to discover that Comfy has a laugh that sounds like a dying camel.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re into some weird shit.

CDM Ep. 93: Unicorn Fairy Strippers

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 04:35:50 +0000

In this episode of CDM Chris has the perfect alibi for the strip clubs, Jim names some presidents that might be on money, there’s a dysfunctional Japanese couple running the local liquor store, and the pepperoni hotdog is a delicacy that will turn you inside out.\

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re in your kitchen killing all your foods.

CDM Ep 92: Airborne Shark Aids

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 15:01:25 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey: Jim clings to life while tripping his balls off on Robitussin. Chris tries desperately to find a cure… no wait he just laughs at Jim and makes fun of him for dying so slowly.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re all about Compassion… The stripper.

CDM Ep 91: When Animals Attack

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 20:30:49 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey: Jim gets a call from his mom, Chris talks about the Velcro pillow, then we talk about Single Guy Olympics and what happens when you collide with an animal going REALLY fast.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re not to be taken lightly

CDM Ep. 90: All the greats are dead (Except Louis)

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 17:54:20 +0000

In this episode Chris has a message for our listening audience then the guys talk about a metric shit-ton of dead comics, the most unfortunate looking human being Chris has ever seen, when getting drunk and killing one kid isn’t enough you’ve gone too far, and why executions’ are for poor people.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and all fucks are kept to ourselves.

CDM Ep 89: Child-Killing Rapists

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 17:30:36 +0000

Episode 89 was taken off line for a bit but now it’s back in its original format and it should be a great episode because according to the person that sent an anonymous complaint to Jim’s employers: The entire show is not only about degrading females but raping women and killing children. So you’re in for a treat.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey: America’s #1 moderately professional baby-killing rapist podcast.

CDM Ep. 88: Unedited and Commercial Free

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 13:04:32 +0000

On this very special episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris… pretty much got nothin’. Oh and Chris is having a baby. So there’s that.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and one of us doesn’t know how to use a condom.

CDM Ep. 87: Dragons and Vaginas

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 01:59:53 +0000

In this episode of CDM Jim talks about all the weird as fuck socially retarded human beings he saw this weekend, Chris regrets the last month of work we’ve done on the show while Jim pours salt in the wound, and Euro-ABC: Why it’s not really fucking real.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re why you can’t have a beer at 10 years-old.

CDM Ep 86: Cowboys in time (From the future)

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 06:29:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris discuss the merits of traveling back in time to "restart" the old west. Chris thinks it could be done with two hundred bucks and an AK. Jim thinks Chris is retarded. We also talk about why Kansas City is a "staycation" town and not a vacation hot spot, and chris would really like to swipe a child's pink tricycle but frankly he's afraid of her.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're not much for hard livin'.

CDM Ep 85: Class 5 Blood Tornado

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 01:07:38 +0000

In this episode Jim plans to ruin a friend’s wedding over a video game, Jim gives a third party update of what became of Eric “The Douche”, And Chris discovers he’s not a fan of Mother Nature’s vagina.
We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re composed of 75% recycled parts

CDM Ep 84: Aardvark

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 05:14:05 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim shows up to the show with nothing: again. And Chris has a run in with a rampant lack of gun control laws. Later in the show we discuss Ice T’s lucrative film career and what the fuck is up with Ant Eaters. Finally Chris tries to jump on the stupid grenade but Jim intercepts him with the help of Ice T and Ant Eaters.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re no chumps when it comes to Myrmecophaga tridactyla.

CDM Ep 83: Reheated

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 05:09:32 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey… I don’t remember what happened. It’s been a week since we recorded it. And I was drunk most of that time so I can’t be expected to remember what the hell we said a week ago. Even if we did had to record the episode twice.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey an- huh? What?

CDM Ep 82: The big wide world

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 13:14:36 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim leaves the house, the CDM Crew has a movie idea they want to pitch, Chris tells Jim’s mom he’s sorry about the whole “dick sucking thing” then retracts his apology before he ever gets around to saying he’s sorry about the whole “dick sucking thing”.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we are unable to confirm or deny any allegations at this time.

CDM Episode 81: Get out of my house!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 01:54:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris discuss the fact that Chris’ girlfriend lies like the devil with a crack habit, there are some new texts from last week, and Chris pretty much tells Jim to stop watching Star Trek Voyager and tells him to get the fuck out of his own house.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey: Do not expose to direct sunlight.

CDM Episode 80: Gaybots and Knife Baby

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 17:13:30 +0000

In this episode Jim and Chris discuss why it’s okay for Harrison Ford to show up to show up to a five year-olds birthday party wearing a strap-on but it’s not okay for Daniel Craig to be in Cowboys and aliens. Also: Chris picks the wrong moment to tell God he’s sorry, and recaps his horrid experience at last weekend’s wedding.

We’re Confusion Deathmonkey and we totally do.

CDM Episode 79: Ranty Rants

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 19:29:27 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris talk about why it’s so awesome to be better than other people, Chris loves it when Dragons attack, Jim suffers from copious accounts of friendship rape, and the guys discuss one of the most serious topics in our country today: The increase in NetFlix Fees.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we make it rain.

CDM Ep 78: Road Trips and Cyber Stalkers

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 03:32:14 +0000

In this week’s episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris comes back from his trip to Kansas to be introduced to his doppelganger Chris 2.0 and regales with stories of a distant land made completely of “Tin and Give Up”, then the guys talk about their 4th of July experiences, and Jim is tempted back towards his old internet trolling ways and he intends to bring Chris and the CDM fans with him.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we hate asshats, douche bags, etc…

CDM Ep 77: Our listeners are dicks.

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 18:08:22 +0000

In this Episode Jim and Chris talk about what a huge old douche bag our listener Spartan is. Why is he such a gigantic douche? Earth Girls are Easy. That’s Why. Then Jim manages to get lost two thirds of the way through the show when the guys decide to take a lunch break and Jim forgets there’s a Sonic 12 feet away from his apartment.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’ll get there sooner or later.

CDM Episode 76: Bad Apples

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 17:31:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM Jim and Chris talk about why chicks shouldn’t order food, Chris has a theory on finger nails, Jim has his first encounter with food that actually goes bad, and Chris rails on Jim for having no taste in music… again, and we talk about our new project, CDM The Home Game.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we don’t need no water. Let the motherfucker burn.

CDM Episode 75: Backdoor to The Most Dangerous Game

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 05:44:48 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris talks about his impending retirement while Jim works on his abandonment issues, Jim isn’t sure if it’s okay to eat another man’s lunch, the crew comes to the conclusion that they only have 17 listeners, we talk about people who are world famous without ever having known it, and Jim wants to bang ex WWF Pro Wrestler Chyna just to see if he could survive. Then Jim assures Chris that he can have the show edited and up by Wednesday and promptly procrastinates until early Sunday morning to post it.

This week’s episode features another episode of “Stuff” by Frank Barrett.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re pretty big in Paraguay

CDM Ep 74: These GodDamn kids today

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 01:07:17 +0000

In this episode of CDM Chris and Jim are joined by Jim’s idiot cousin Jeremy who’s marriage will end if his wife should ever hear this show. The crew talks bout tween fashion trends and the saturation of young pale girls in “Kiddy Cooters”, Why old people shouldn’t get tats, why young people shouldn’t keep their tats until their old, and what’s with that God awful giant Guns N’ Roses tramp stamp Jeremy’s wife has scrawled across her goddamn back?

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we are so 1999.

CDM Episode 73: Off The Air... Oops.

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 23:56:45 +0000

On this short episode of CDM Chris and Jim manage to tech douche a whole other podcast when they invite Cody and Jon from “Off The Air Live” on to the show and somehow manage to record the worst audio known to man. It was so bad that not even Jim could fix it. Also on this episode: Chris talks about the slippery slope between Manslaughter and Vehicular Homicide and accuses Jim of being “Bummed”, an accusation to which Jim responds to by breaking down in tears. And finally CDM is proud to present “Stuff” by Frank B. Yet another audio project from the guy who brought you 90 other fucking audio projects. So enjoy that.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re going to make it after all… doing it our way!

CDM Episode 72: I just moved!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 27 May 2011 03:06:42 +0000

In this episode of CDM Jim and Chris talk about Funnel Cakes, Work Shirts, On and Off Season Clauses, and who’s going to be the next DeathMonkey of the Month? Chris is addicted to Plants VS Zombies and Jim talks about the dynamics of the honey badger prides which roam North America. Then Jim repeatedly tries to use “I just moved” as an excuse for literally every-fucking-thing.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we don’t have a tag line this week, because I just moved.

CDM Episode 71: Robitussin and Bike Crashes

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 27 May 2011 02:20:48 +0000

On this (Very late) episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris are joined by Frank from the excellent movie podcast www.mcguffinmatinee.com and the crew talks about delicious childhood medication, horrible bike accidents, and why neighbors are so fucking creepy. Here’s a hint: They’re all rapist.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we just want to borrow a cup of sugar

CDM Episode 70: Something Uncomfortable

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 15 May 2011 07:48:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey, Chris and Jim find out that they epically fail at show preparation but they tough it out and manage to talk about vomit, fat people, Xbox Kinect, and they answer an advice question for “Jerry” who just wants to keep his family together.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we were guests on MacGuffin Matinee podcast last Wednesday (They record on the same day as us but manage to get their show up by Thursday without insomnia related intervention). You should go check it out at www.macguffinmatinee.com.

CDM Episode 69: Sum-Bitches

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 05 May 2011 13:04:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris and Jim are delighted to have Curtis return to the show and somewhat amazed that Helal bothered to show up. We talk about (what's probably) furry prostitution, accuse Curtis of having poor taste in film, bad tattoos, and asshole comedians.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we're drinking to us.

CDM Episode 68: Glow in the dark vaginas

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 21:45:10 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris has become a borderline blog phenomenon within very select demographics, Jim is jealous of Chris’s new found fame, Jim tells the story of how he single handedly disintegrated the resale value of a Z28 Camaro at the age of 8, and we can’t help but talk shit on the Sony Play Station Network. All of this and new “Would You Fuck It” and “Texts from Last Week”.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re a mostly functional free online service.

CDM Episode 67: Suck that dick PETA!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 05:47:00 +0000

On this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris sit down and talk about why Toy Story is like Armageddon, How selling advertising to an adult Toy Store is the first step to being “Tastefully Rich”, and how many air strikes we get to use when we’re “Super Ultra Mega Rich”, and in 2012 when Chris and I take office we’ve got a couple of ideas to get our first term started. Ideas like: Renaming Libya “Parking Lot”, the Cuba Penitentiary, Jamaica Retirement Home, and of course “Underwater Fucking Highway”. Then, I put the Clutch and the Tranny promo in the second break because it pisses Chris off.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re the right choice for the end of days. Smith/Villines 0-12

CDM Episode 66: Fort Building Hippy Fuckers

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 13:38:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey, Chris has his final showdown with GoDaddy, Jim hates hipster artists with no backbone, there’s a possibility of CDM turning a nickel on their merits alone, and in the third segment Jim accidently combines “Texts from Last Week” and “Would You Fuck It” into one horrible abortion of the English language we like to call "Would You Fuck This Text From a Week Ago" (working title).

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're only slightly less dangerous than nuclear power.

CDM Episode 65: The Last Boyscout: Regeneration

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 01:38:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey the crew sits down and chats about movie remakes you won’t believe are remakes because they’re actually remaking them, the crew gets an e-mail which only proves to them they should stay away from serious topics, and then we talk about the flagship of television ingenuity Top Gear… the British one… not the one us Americans fucked up.

We are Monkey ConfusionDeath but we can fix it.

CDM Episode 64: Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 03:51:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey: Just as Chris starts to get the new website up and running Go Daddy decides that its first act of customer service in over a year will be to fuck CDM right in the ass, Jim saw Chris Farley dead after a shootout with the cops, we manage to talk about Nazi flying bombs and squirt porn in the intro, and Helal showed up… so there’s that.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we insist that a la mode be standard.

CDM Episode 63: Uniforms are Mandatory

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 04:06:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris and Jim discuss the shortfalls of Lady-boi Robot marketing, Chris hates pets, you can’t restart your children, and the Inner City Oil Company: America’s best choice for getting your brains splattered on a gas pump.

We’re Confusion Deathmonkey and you can do what you want with the girl just please don’t hurt us.

CDM Episode 62: Gypsies and Web-Smiths

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 12:48:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Chris and Jim manage to fuck the show to death right out of the gate. Which sort of makes you wonder... was this some kind of weird tag-team show fucking race?

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and... well... you get the picture.

CDM Episode 61: I Would “Would you fuck it?” So Hard!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:16:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris sit down to discuss just how retarded Michelle Rodriguez is... fo’ realz this time. Jim’s got more stories about crack-heads, Chris can trust no one, we come to the decision that the drive thru is the single best crime prevention device in America, we’re being followed on Twitter by Neil Mayhem (a UK radio guy with considerable talent) for no god damn reason, and our concerns for Japan’s wellbeing pushes an unwitting Chris into a rousing game of “Would you fuck it?”.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we probably would fuck it.

CDM Episode 60: Byron Allen Is No Carl Lewis

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 13:08:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey Jim and Chris sit down to discuss the finer things in life, prostate milking and bad television, car chases of the good old days, and Lent… how does that shit work? Also in this episode, Chris and I talk about how LA is the last city we would ever try to save. For the record, this was before Japan exploded.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’ve given shit up for WAY longer than 40 days.

CDM Episode 59: You Can't Run From a Werewolf

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 18:44:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey we talk about the whirlwind of personality that is Charlie Sheen (of course), Chris' kid watches the same horrible TV that our grandparents considered "cutting edge", Jim thinks his girlfriend has higher expectations of him (he's wrong), and we wrap the show up with more "Texts from Last Week" and a couple of "If you were stranded on Gilligans Island..." scenarios that we're betting you probably haven't thought of yet.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and chances are, we're just gonna die tired.

CDM Ep 58: Is It Gay If You Suck That?

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 14:47:00 +0000

On this episode of CDM: Chris tries to adapt to the newly remodeled CDM studio, James Villines – Worst. EMT. Ever. We try to discuss the importance of unions and teachers and quickly discover we still don’t give a fuck, instances of real life friendship rape (which was totally Jim’s idea), and finally clits that look like dicks or “why not to fuck female body builders".

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we aren't paid enough to bring you back from the grave.

CDM Episode 57: Friendship Rape

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 02:53:00 +0000

This episode of CDM starts out with the crew gorging themselves on fast food and ends in a carb fueled dementia. We end up talking about the surprising progress of the CDM Film Project "Smart Cars /Bad Choices", Jim's alarming trend of buying things from drug dealers that aren't actually drugs, Chelsea Handler: The unfunny ugly whore, Chris has buried himself in an online web dev correspondence course that doesn't really exist and its effects on his relationship, and Friendship Rape: The bane of Corporate America.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and fuck your stupid birthday. We don't know you.

CDM Episode 56: This Title is a Lot of Work...

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 05:50:00 +0000

In this episode Chris and Jim decide they're just going to wing it, then they decide that winging it is a whole Hell of a lot of effort; so, they just sort of nudge it a little. We talk about our aging parents, Jim's encroaching Alzheimer’s, "ball cancer", and their mutual fear of eye drops.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and... we’re not going to make it in to work today.

CDM Episode 55: 20 Minutes to Rochester

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 01:49:00 +0000

In this episode we drop the massive bomb that our listener Loki actually won a fuck trophy, and then we gloss right over it. We ask the question who gets a snow day and why? Here's a hint, it's not the U.S. Army. Jim tells a story about how he landed a threesome and then promptly fucked it up with honesty and then the crew talks about why Canada is a great place to visit but nobody wants to live there... or be from there. Then we discuss the perfect way to celebrate a friend's marriage, and we wrap it up with horrible ideas we've had for the show.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we always give 110% when it counts.

CDM Episode 54: The Fat Samurai

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 02:04:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM Jim reveals his alternate identity, Chris and Jim both still hate traffic, when do you maintain dignity and when do you disintegrate into a curse word vomiting mound of rage, the cartoon Archer: is it the pinnacle of our cultural media? And finally Jim thinks he can beat Man Tracker at his own game.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and 50% of our middle names are "Danger".

CDM Episode 53: The Future's Bright, Kid

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 23:18:00 +0000

In this episode we discuss the failings of the public school system, the greatest award for the worst people ever, how to hit the reset button on life for self improvement and financial gain, and what the Hell do you do with that lesbian house guest who's maxed out her race card? We've got your advice all over your sheets.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're nothing if not understanding.

CDM Episode 52: Who Gives a Fuck?

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 14:11:00 +0000

In this episode we discover that Jim doesn't give a shit about music, politics, or people and we discuss the finer points of irony. In the second segment we discuss that what Jim does love is new pants in a smaller size. Unfortunately, that's overshadowed by his hatred for motherly customer service people and blatant thievery. The introduction of the "Sharing Stick" reminds Chris and Jim that they actually used to work together and probably rendered the local Baby's R Us financially destitute. And finally the CDM crew talks about their next venture in self employment. Does it count as self employment if nobody pays you?

We're Confusion DeathMonkey, and... meh, fuck it.

CDM Episode 51: When We Think About It, It's Probably Your Fault

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 14:16:00 +0000

In this episode the CDM Crew gathers around the mic to record the first episode of 2011. Chris tries to figure out if most folks would prefer to pick up a hot hitchhiker or one that looks trustworthy but Jason and I can't stop talking about the new hit (soon to be filmed) documentary "Smart Cars/Bad Choices". We also discuss why Jim has to preface every "I fucked up..." with 15 minutes of excuses and has so much trouble taking money from anyone.

This is Confusion DeathMonkey and now we have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!

CDM Episode 50: Merry Christmas Grandpa

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 05:35:00 +0000

Santa isn't real and the Confusion DeathMonkey crew is lucky that he isn't. In this pre-Christmas episode Jim and Chris sit down to talk about the trials of buying Christmas gifts, Jim's upcoming book "The Big Book of Boobs", shady Russian used car salesmen, why chicks are only awesome for a few months, and Jim tries to help Chris get back into the spirit of the season... the off-season.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey: Winner of the Podcastery of Awesomeness Award from the Society of Midwestern Basement Podcaster's Association for eleventy years in a row (Future Tense)

CDM Episode 49: Skittles Are Harder Than She-Ra

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 22:40:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM the crew sits down with the folks from www.secretsinevertold.com again and discuss their new book. Jim gives a horrible interview and Chris promptly finds other stuff to talk about other than the guests. Then, after the first segment, we get back to our standard format of talking about Netflix, porn, and the horrors of porn on Netflix.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey, and ours is a love that will never die... in your mouth.

CDM Episode 48: Not All Sleepwear Is Sexy

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 05:38:00 +0000

On this episode of CDM the crew talks about how Jim’s girlfriend’s house robe is possibly sentient. Chris knows how he is and he doesn’t give a fuck, why Scotch Tape is just as much bullshit as wrapping presents, and Jim thinks effeminate men and weird folks should have to wear cat bells while Jason and Chris are okay with just making them wear patches and “containing “them. Finally we talk about Jason’s theory that the whole world is a movie starring him and you should just shut the fuck up. The entire show ends awkwardly when Jason explains how he would murder the fuck out of Chris with spiders.

We’re Confusion DeathMonkey and we’re just sayin’ every Reich has a silver lining. Okay we’re not saying it but we implied it… but not on purpose.

CDM Episode 47: FUCKING SPIDER-GOATS!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 05:57:00 +0000

In this epsode of Confusion DeathMonkey, Jason joins us again and early on in the episode mentions spider-goats. From there, we proceed to lose our fucking minds.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey, and there's not much more to say about this one.

CDM Episode 46: Jason

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 06:20:00 +0000

On this episode of CDM we talk about Jason and how very awesome he is. We also discuss why dead people suck, why sick people are retarded, and then we get back to why Jason is so very great. Throw in some "Rambo"/"Twilight" fan fiction/porn and the fact that a Palin being on "Dancing with the Stars" is possibly the least important thing to ever happen to America and you've got a show that's... well honestly it's a bit manic.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we need that medication damn it!

CDM Ep 45: Huggles and Fat Jokes

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 13:55:00 +0000

Jason stopped by on Tuesday to record an early episode of Confusion DeathMonkey and we ended up talking about fat people, the "two minute rule", feces, and Christmas Bears. Things get a little weird when we read some of Helal's FanFic (That's Fan Fiction Porn) and Chris wants to know why Jim goes hunting when he has no interest in actually hunting.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we could not do you all night long!

CDM Episode 44: You Look Fine!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 17:01:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey we start right off the bat with yet another review of Modern Warfare Black Ops. Chris talks about how much he loves his job and Jim points out how quickly Chris is willing to break his own rules. We talk about Valentines Days past that didn't go so well, and we're all confused by the phrase "Hose Mom", and "Let's eat the car".

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we think Hamburger Helper tastes just fine on its own.

CDM Episode 43: Netflix Category: Sexist Racism and Sociopathy

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 19:46:00 +0000

In this episode of Confusion DeathMonkey we talk about how Helal's laziness lead to him pissing in his own car. Jim recaps Chris' "On Season/Off Season" method and Chris tries explaining why he's promptly broken it, Is Netflix racist or just a bitch? And finally if Jim and Chris could be anything they'd be badass Rogue Agent Mercenary Robot Spies! And Helal would just be impressive.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and our numbers show you're life is worth just over $38 dollars.

CDM Ep 42: Fuck Helal In the Face

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 03:39:00 +0000

In this Episode of CDM Jim and Chris go it alone for the podcast with the expectation of meeting up with Helal for an extra special CDM conception anniversary/Halloween episode. And because this episode was extra special, and Chris and Jim had made awesome plans for the live show, and because the two of them were actually legitimately happy... Helal decided not to show up. Without even calling in with a lame excuse.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're hunting Helal for sport.

CDM Episode 41: Eric is Just Too Damn Short...

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 16:19:00 +0000

In this episode we talk about Eric's tiny wee wee, his bitchy girlfriends shaved junk, Jim climbs one more step on the ladder of fame, and why Jack Bower isn't all that awesome. Then shit gets morbid when Eric tells us all about why he's terrified of death and Chris and I try to get him to confront his fears by faking his own murder/suicide.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're sure you wouldn't leave us alone with your laptop.

CDM Episode 40: Why CGI Kills Gay Kids...

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:59:00 +0000

In this episode the CDM crew talks about Jim having the ability to fuck up anyone’s name, and how he manages to not only rename Domino Harvey to Domino Riley; but manages to insert her into a conversation about why poor kids should stop their bitchin’ and make something of themselves. However, that doesn’t go down until after he initiates a conversation about gay teen suicide.

Seriously folks, the second segment is just Jim proving to the rest of the world that he should never be involved in a conversation more serious than “What’s for dinner”.

We also talk about Smurfs, chicks, candle stores, and why Helal can’t get his girlfriend to just… please, for the love of God… shut the fuck up.

We’re CDM and we might be why people kill themselves.

CDM Ep 39: Seriously, Though... Bat Dicks Are Huge!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 02:02:00 +0000

Bat dicks are fucking huge. I shit you not, their dicks are like half the length of their bodies. I saw a bat suck it's own dick without even trying. It looked down and was like, "Oh, my dick is right there!" as if someone had put a straw in his drink without even telling him. And the best part about having a huge dick is that lady bats luvs tah put da bat cock in der moufs.

Also in this episode... Jim gets really weird.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we've got dicks like fruit bats. Which are like... seriously huge.

CDM Ep 38: Sorry About that Mr. Lester...

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 01:17:00 +0000

In this heart wrenching epic Chris talks about the first time he got in trouble, Jim talks about the first School Counselor he drove to madness, and we both talk about which is better: Sex entering or leaving a relationship? Either way, Chris and I have discovered we're totally willing to break up with you're significant other for you.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and fuck you coming and going!

CDM Ep 37: What Flavor of Chemo Would You Like?

Confusion DeathMonkey — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 01:26:00 +0000

In this episode the CDM crew discovers that TV is too stupid to talk about, chemo should be rootbeer flavored, and old people should certainly be put on house arrest just because they're too damn slow for the good of humanity.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're pretty sure it's all your fault.

CDM Ep 36: It's Like Welcome Back Cotter and Return of the King All Rolled Together

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 02:55:00 +0000

In this installment of CDM Jim returns to give scattered accounts of the most laid back vacation ever, Chris and Jim discuss exactly why they're not in the armed forces, Helal actually has a good reason for not showing up, and we recap what happened in the original episode 36 which Chris lost. ...which is totally all his fault.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we still manage to run this thing despite the fact that none of us can program a VCR.

CDM Episode X: The Legendary Lost Episode

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 19:55:00 +0000

It's a fucking reunion party for CDM! There's Jim and Chris... and Eric, too; reunited once more with their maiden podcast voyage! Eric doesn't talk much, Jim never shuts up, and Chris screams constantly during the original struggle for podcast supremacy. Come stroll along with us down memory lane as we reminisce about the good old days... with some horse sex and Will Smith ranting peppered in.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're tryin' like hell not to turn this podcast into a radio show.

CDM Ep 35: The Curtis and Helal Show... Starring Chris

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 03:50:00 +0000

After karma, fate, and life in general prove that they in fact hate Chris lots, Chris lets Curtis and Helal run the podcast in Jim's absence. What EVER will they talk about? Well, time travel, what they'd do for a piece of Martha Stewart's ass, and of course, fantasy football. This podcast is better than that, so, they did it again... and they still talked about that shit. Go figure.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey and we know what you will do next summer.

CDM Ep 34: We Could Use a Good 15 Minutes of Fame

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 22:57:00 +0000

In this episode Jim writes four treatments in 20 minutes and pitches them to Chris and Helal to see if they stand a chance at being produced. We also talk about why Jim plans to vanish from the show for the next three weeks and the CDM crew wonders if they could hack it at a real radio station.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we saw the surprise ending coming from a mile away.

CDM Ep 33: Holyshitwe'veonlygotonehourtogettheshowdonewhodeservestodie?! ...wait what?

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 01:18:00 +0000

I don't have any fucking clue as to what we talked about on this show. It all went by just way too goddamn fast. All I remember is we had to get the audio done before the CDM Live show and I'm pretty sure I said I hope Morgan Web gets rope burn until her head comes off.

We're CDM and tonight we were the Time Bandits.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 32: Back to the Basics... OF THE FUTURE!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 20:24:00 +0000

Chris and Jim go it alone this week in a brilliant tribute to Episode One and not because we don't have any friends willing to drive an extra ten minutes.

In this episode we talk about adventures with meth heads. Who will vanish first Chris or Jim? And why your child is probably just such a stupid, fucking, douchebag.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're all out of love.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 31: Everything You Need to Know About Turkey Face

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 19:52:00 +0000

Because this episode of CDM was knocked up by a US Senator after a one night stand in Vegas and had to get an abortion it's a full week late. What hard hitting topics did we discuss a week ago? Try this proverbial hat on all over your head.

What would you do if your friend were gay without really being gay? What's the worst action movie ever? What the Hell is Turkey Face? All of these answered and more on this late episode of CDM.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we'll never have sex without condoms again.

Confusion DeathMonkey Ep 30: Fat Chicks, Meat Curtains, and Man Boobs

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 02:30:00 +0000

This week the CDM crew talks puffy nipples and puffy twats, the downside to water parks, alternative birth control and Helal's research findings around being beaten with an orange. Turns out Jim's an idiot. Turns out everyone already knew that.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're full of juice.

Confusion DeathMonkey Ep 29: Is the Disappointment Thick In Here or Is It Just Me?

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 17:18:00 +0000

In this episode we talk about the Caberet we were told about and compare it to the Caberet we actually saw. Our buddy Curtis shows up and talks about his dog's failures as a sexual partner while Chris and I try not to judge him. Finally, if we were master criminals that couldn't be caught here's what we'd do... and there's what Chris would do.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and... who the fuck said that? Huh!?! Who?!?

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 28: The Empowerment of Cabaret... and Boobies

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 01:36:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM the crew is joined by Mary Magdalene and Frankie Main, two lovely ladies from the Kansas City Cabaret. We talk about their upcoming show at the Kansas City Fringe Festival, fight over Helal's future as an intern, and why you shouldn't put your children's pets out with the trash.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we can dispense death at the click of a button.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 27: Our Intern Wouldn't Be So Worthless if He Had Better Tits

Confusion DeathMonkey — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 01:23:00 +0000

In this episode Chris and Jim yell at Helal for slacking on the intern duties we volunteered him for. We at CDM find a new cause to fight for and produce a PSA, and then we talk about "The First Segment" which is an abortion of film. Then Chris poses the question: "Are all of our technical difficulties some kind of sign?"

Chris is also scared of the dark.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey, and if technical difficulties were SkyNet's first wave of attack, we'd be John Connor.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 26: You're Not as Funny as Your Smug Face!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:41:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM we talk about which TV shows make us laugh and why Chris and Helal are completely wrong about The Office. Helal is once again enamored with mundane antique items and states his love for Louie Anderson, Chris discovers his niche in life and finally begins to understand why everyone else thinks he's such a doucher.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we don't know what we're going to do with all that junk, all that junk up in our trunk.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 25: Mouth Breathers

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 21:30:00 +0000

In this exciting new episode of CDM Chris and Jim go it alone to talk about why stupid people talk so loudly, how to ensure a perfect and long lasting mushroom stamp, and WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE US?! HUH?! THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT! We'd also like to mention that Chris saw a Ghost Truck and Trinidad, Colorado, is the transgender capitol of the world.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're gonna make it on our own, doing it our way!

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 23: Ghost Hunting and Baby Making

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 00:32:00 +0000

In this episode we talk about how to get the best parking spot ever at the expense of your girlfriend's self image, why ghosts talk through flashlights... or don't, why the best path to revenge is through that of your friends' children, and, oh yeah, we got T-Shirts. But we don't stop there, we pose this question to you as it was posed to your dearest podcasters: How much masturbation is too much masturbation?

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're classy as fuck!

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 22: Twice Baked Podcast

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 15:43:00 +0000

In this episode we discuss some exciting new investment opportunities for some new flagship CDM products like the Lighter-Flashdrive, Masturbating Shaving Cream, and Cord. Then the crew gingerly addresses racial tension, reviews the A-Team and tries to decide which was more exciting: The A-Team or the drive to go see the A-Team. We wrap the whole thing up by giving advice to a pilot from the forums on alternative career decisions and pose the question "Are crabs enough revenge?" We think not.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we haven't had our shots.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 21: Aquatic Crypto Zoology

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 16:47:00 +0000

In this episode of CDM we talk about the horrible thing Jim found in his pool shortly after he and Chris swam in it last Saturday. We discuss hobbies but stop short of turn-ons and turn-offs yet somehow Helal manages to work in cod pieces and razors. Then we wrap it all up with an ancient question... Tits or TV?

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're dating your daughter.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 20: Jim is Officially a Crazy Cat Lady

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 31 May 2010 15:13:00 +0000

Holy crap! We're at episode 20 already? That's five months worth of episodes and we haven't even been distracted by that many shiny objects yet!

In this episode Chris and I have special guest Sprocket on the show. Sprocket's a fucking moron and does nothing but bitch the whole time. Chris and I discuss top secret iPhones, sex tapes, and TardBuckets before going over a few website changes we've got in the pipe. Oh, and hey, new commercials.

We're CDM and we even stay crunchy in milk.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 19: Thank God That Whole "Lost" Thing is Over

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 24 May 2010 06:18:00 +0000

In this episode Chris and I do the right thing, and talk about how to get sisters to have an incestual threesome without concerning ourselves with the morality of the situation. Why you might ask? Because our fan asked us how, and goddammit, we don’t take sides when it comes to helping.

We also talk about Chris’ upcoming standup debut (May 25th At Standford and Son’s in the Legends shopping center. Seating starts at 7:30pm $5.00 cover charge) and how he’s basically already been outdone by a guy who prepared for 3 hours and did an act about a retarded Muppet.

Then we round the show out with talk about Vagina hats and Video Game reviews.

We’re confusion DeathMonkey and we think its time you change your sheets.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 18: The Replacement Monkeys

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 16 May 2010 03:39:00 +0000

In this episode we talk about Eric leaving the show, the most imposing five-foot mexican I've ever met, why the movie "Robinhood" could have been called anything else, and how horrible it would be to get eaten alive by squirrels... or ducks. Then we answer a vague question about relationship advice and go off topic eleventy-billion times.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we don't need no water. Let the mother fucker burn.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 17.5: It's So Dark In My Soul...

Confusion DeathMonkey — Tue, 11 May 2010 04:43:00 +0000

We're back like Jesus: Three days late and with the same old tricks. What does that mean? It means we don't have new commercials or rants; so, that four minutes out of the 1.5 hour long show might be kind of a bummer. What we do have are our guests Daryl and Sarah on the show talking about their website www.never-told.com which is like Texts From Last Night and Fail Blog all rolled up into a seriously dark burrito of hilarity. Then Eric and I review Ironman 2 and Nightmare on Elm Street and how no remake will ever stack up to Dream Warriors. The last segment is a remake since I humped the bunk and lost the last segment to Saturday's recording. I talk about what games are coming out on XBox in the next couple of weeks and Eric talks about the PSP.

We're CDM and we're riding side saddle with the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 16: A Couple Days Late and A Few Hundred Bucks Richer

Confusion DeathMonkey — Mon, 03 May 2010 07:43:00 +0000

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 16 is up and running. In this episode we talk about the trials of binge drinking, moving, how we have failed to review video games, barbwire wrapped rape panthers, muffin tops, and how to stay out of your brother's ex-girlfriend's business even when she's dating her own step-grandfather's grandson... then it gets weird.

Our buddy Helal is back this week to make sure the show stays on track, a duty he epically fails to deliver on.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 15: Holy Shit, It's Loud!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 00:11:00 +0000

Our buddy Helal joins the CDM crew and Episode 15 starts off with why Earth Day sucks, cat sex, and dolphins being assholes. Then we try to review "The Losers", talk smack on Roger Ebert (again), theorize about the ultimate sandwich, and Eric and I tell you what our next game picks are.

It's a long episode this week as we go way off course several times and for some reason the sound is REALLY loud. (Seriously kids turn this one down or you'll blow your ears out of your eye-holes!)

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're meaner than AIDS.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 14: Legally Fucktarded

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 23:29:00 +0000

Episode Number 14 is coming at you like a phantom pirate ship this week so get ready to give up your booty to something you didn't even think existed.

This week on CDM we can't find any questions from our fans that we felt would challenge us, so we turn on said fans and openly mock them. We talk about how much Clash of the Titans sucks, how Kick Ass rocks so hard it blows out our O-rings, and why James Cameron should take all of his little Ava-Tards out on a boat and sink them to the bottom of the ocean. Then Eric starts recording without telling anyone and we all find out why Jim isn't allowed to have kids.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're harmful if swallowed.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 13: Dorks Gone Wild

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 23:08:00 +0000

This week we go scriptless, pantless, and Chris-less. Two out of the three is true. We talk about Final Fantasy XIII, PaRappa the Rapper, Jim's continued unhealthy obsession with Mass Effect 2, and what happens when you set zombies on fire then proceed to hit them with a Cricket Bat. More internationally recognized, award winning, advice is given to our listeners over the pond as well.

Hold on to your protractors, calculators, and d20's because when CDM hit's 88 MPH (that's 141.62 Km/h for you metric folks) shit is going to get real. CDM is dorking out with our cocks out.

Stephanie stops by as well...we forget about her sometimes.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 12: Jehova's Tiniest Witness or House Goblin? You decide!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:52:00 +0000

You asked for it, or maybe you didn't, but regardless here it is... Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 12!

This week the terrible trio of CDM reveal to you the secret to breaking a sociopath, unravel the mystery that is dating, tackle a midget in a closet, and choose new victims in their never ending disdain of popular public figures. It's happy, go-lucky, good old-fashioned family fun, if you're family's name starts with an 'M' and ends with 'anson'.

We are Confusion DeathMonkey, the standard to which all other podcasts are measured.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 11: Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 23:45:00 +0000

Hello out there you adoring CDM zealots! We're back this weekend with another elixir of episode-y goodness and we're gonna' pour it right down your dry little throats.

This weekend we talk about prostitutes, Octomom, whores, cross dressers, Jesse James, call girls, taxes, and ladies of the night. We're joined by a special guest "Stephaney" who's not all that special and doesn't say much but who was brave enough to sit in on the recording for the "life experience". What a chump.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and for twenty bucks we'll let you suck our dicks.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 10: Eat What You Hate!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:58:00 +0000

It's wintergedon here in good ol' Kansas City, Missouri... again, and the CDM crew is trapped inside with a box of doughnuts, a fuck-ton of delicious Pepsi products, and a generous portion of hatred and discontent for the outside world. But, we're bringing you another fantastic hour of angry comedy gibberish to keep you toasty warm.

In this episode we talk about vortex of suck that is satellite radio, why the dachshund should be renamed to the douchehound and the fact that Eric's girlfriend isn’t a mythical creature. Then we pose a question which haunts us all. What makes a better pet, alligator or tiger?

Tuck in kiddos, it's going to be a long second winter.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 9: You know... Like Dino Riders!

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 07:10:00 +0000

This week Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 9 rides you hard and puts you away wet like a plesiosaur. In this episode Chris and I form a daring duo while Eric jacks around with his military buddies defending our freedoms or some such nonsense. We talk about the inevitable disapointment that is KFC, the awesomeness of Chick-Fil-A, the brutality of British police officers, and why getting AIDS from a chick with a clubbed thumb is such a bummer.

We're Confusion DeathMonkey and we're calling from the inside the house.

Confusion DeathMonkey Episode 8: The C-Word

Confusion DeathMonkey — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 00:48:00 +0000

In this episode we catch up talk about salsa baths, assault by prayer, and first dates with Eric. Then we talk about deeper subjects like who should die. Swirl all that magic around with two new commercials and sprinkle just a bit of tiger attack in it and you've got yourself a CDM episode that'll blow out of every orifice of your body in a sparkly rainbow of awesome.

Get ready to run for you lives folks. Confusion DeathMonkey is hot on your trail.