League for the Suppression of Celery

Celery Seed Recall

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 04:43:00 +0000

Last month there was a recall of organic celery seeds. You can get more information from the Reuters news story.

Unless of course, it's silenced by Those Who Would Have You Think Celery is Okay.

You know who I mean...

Also, don't forget -- celery seed is used as a seasoning in a lot of salad dressings and spice mixes. READ YOUR INGREDIENTS, PEOPLE.

Unless, of course, you have a death wish. But, really, if you're suicidal, salmonella is probably not the best way to go anyway. Just don't do it. Don't.

Rescue this Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:40:00 +0000

It's not humiliating enough to be an unwanted puppy trapped in doggy jail. But then to be further demoralized by being named CELERY after the devil's vegetable?

For God's sake, someone go rescue this puppy and change her name.

Latest Inductee: Dustin Keith

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 19:00:00 +0000

Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce our latest inductee into the League for the Suppression of Celery. Please go to Dustin's web site and welcome him. Let's support our fellow comrades in the fight against the green scourge.

http://mediabreach.com/2011/11/14/monday-morning-dork-attack-celery/

The Nitrate-Free Hot Dog LIE

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 17:44:00 +0000

According to Consumer Reports, there are three brands of hot dogs we should be watching out for: Applegate Farms, Coleman Naturals and Whole Ranch.

These producers claim their products have "no added nitrates", but what they do have is an abundance of a natural source of nitrate... CELERY JUICE.

Celery juice and celery powders are nitrates and in large doses nitrates are bad for you. So, don't think you're getting around nitrates by eating these other dogs. In fact, avoid them because they use the WORST kind of nitrates -- celery-induced nitrates.

Source: http://www.seriouseats.com/2008/01/cooking-with-kids-nitratefree-hot-dogs.html

Sesame Street

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 21:51:00 +0000

I have mentioned frequently the subversive and dangerous influence of people who are in charge of television programming for children.

We have recently unearthed from a vault another example of the insideous and blatant brainwashing that has occurred over the years -- this one a notable and well-respected show: Sesame Street. We had an inside track on this. It was procured by an industry insider for us. Thank you, whistleblowers everywhere.

Before you watch this, please send the children out of the room. And also have air sickness bags at the ready.

Latest Inductee: Greg Manzer

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:34:00 +0000

I would like to proudly present our latest inductee into the League for the Suppression of Celery: Greg Manzer, chef of Bonterra Trattoria in Calgary, Canada.

Not only does he hate celery, he claims that it will never, ever show up in his restaurant, so if you're ever in Calgary, you can consider Bonterra Trattoria a safe place to visit.

Check out the interview of Glen Manzer by Kim Gray for the Calgary Herald.

Giant Celery

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 17:53:00 +0000

Apparently not only do we have to worry about the PROLIFERATION of celery, we also have to worry about celery in massive proportions.

At least you can see this one coming from a distance, it's not like they can slip it into your soup or anything, but once the momentum gets behind this thing it could be a killer.

We currently have a source that will hopefully be informing us as to the origins of the giant celery, where it's being grown, etc. As soon as I know something I will update you. Until then -- continued vigilance, my friends!

Ventura County: The New Hot Spot

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 20:22:00 +0000

A recent report has come across my desk. It looks like Ventura County is our latest hot spot that needs attention. Cell leaders, please connect with me over your broadband voice connections to receive your new orders.

Read this as your background material before we talk:

http://www.vcstar.com/news/2011/jul/19/celery-takes-center-stage-in-crop-report/

Celery Damages Awarded: $1.1M

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 20:07:00 +0000

Joke all you want, but when the court awards $1.1M dollars as an award for tainted celery, you know it's time to start taking us seriously.

Seriously.

Check it: http://www.aboutlawsuits.com/sangar-listeria-poisoning-lawsuit-award-19860/

The Great Royal Celery Conspiracy

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 20:04:00 +0000

Apparently, it's not enough that the English try to subjugate the entire world way back then and make us ruin our tea in the Boston Harbor and woo us with fancy weddings of the children and grandchildren of the Royal Family.

No, none of that is nearly subversive enough.

They have to take it one step further and offer Prince Charles's celery growing as a free tourist attraction where anyone, even children, could come across this public abomination.

Write the president, write your English ambassador. Tell them we will not tolerate this in-your-face behavior from a free world country.

Michele Bachman, Anti-Christ

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 04:00:00 +0000

I probably don't need to add a lot to this. Watch the video, it will chill you to the BONE.

Get the word out. Bachman loves celery and she must be stopped. We can't have this business in the White House -- imagine at every turn large platters of celery everywhere.

Oh those celery loves are deviant and subversive.

Congratulations, We're Making Progress

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 22:39:00 +0000

About this time last year we reported that celery was ranked as the TOP most pesticide-ridden vegetable in the known universe.

We are happy to report that we're making progress in our fight against celery. This year in the current release of the "Dirty Dozen", celery is ranked only #2.

As we have hacked away at the villainous celery minions, we've weakened their hold and there is a slight reduction in their power. But do not celebrate too long and let your guard down. There is a long way to go. We must fight the good fight until the very end.

But for now, celebrate it up right, be proud at what you've accomplished in the last year and let's start again strong tomorrow!

Celery Dangers to Men

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 18:43:00 +0000

Our crack team of investigators have been working on a documentary about the dangers of celery to men. We're investigating certain theories such as reduction in sperm count, abberant social behaviors and an increased desire to basket weave.

Here is just a small look at the bigger study we're working on. I'm telling you, people, this is getting serious.

Celery Makes "The Dirty Dozen"

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:24:00 +0000

Finally, what we have been saying all along has come to pass.

Recently the Environmental Working Group's sixth "Shopper's Guide to Pesticides" has come out and number one on their list of most-contaminated produce? CELERY

Don't take my word for it, you can read about it in the Chicago Tribune article or even from the EWG's information itself.

Not to brag or say I told you so, but we'd like to mention we pointed out this potential problem as early as January of 2009 and again in July of the same year. You can read those articles below:

Can Organic Celery Cause Cancer?
Beware of New Zealand Celery

Here at the safehouse we're breaking out the champagne.

An Insidious New Threat

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Mon, 31 May 2010 02:04:00 +0000

Those of you who have been in the LCS for a long time understand the comfort of eating your favorite products and at familiar restaurants. For one moment you can relax your guard and hope that nobody has changed something on you.

But when we trace those familiar haunts of ours, sometimes it can also cause an unnoticed complacency. I know this because I became a victim of my own complacency, in my own overconfidence.

Recently I decided to try a new restaurant, a Thai place that recently opened up in a nearby town. I have discovered that the restaurant is being run by a group of celery-activists of a different kind -- the WORST kind who are covert in forcing celery onto an unsuspecting public.

How do they do it? CELERY LEAVES

I know! Most of the time when they try to hide it, they go to great pains by putting, say, celery seeds into dressings or celery powder into spice mixes. But this... this is real chunks of celery that they lob into their food in tiny, limp, floppy celeryness that is nearly impossible to pick out, yet as deadly as if they had just stabbed you in the eye with some Crudités.

Oh, I long for the days when celery lovers had the nerve to lace their food with big, rustic chunks of celery that you could avoid like Vietnamese landmines.

No, my friends, this is ushering in a new age of subversion. Don't let your guard down.

Celery Poet

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Thu, 13 May 2010 15:09:00 +0000

An immediate intervention is required. This gentleman has apparently had some sort of toxic overdose of celery poisons and is immersed in mad ramblings.

We fear there may be something sinister afoot -- perhaps an angry roommate has tried to poison him or it's a misguided attempt at a healthier lifestyle during which he made the poor choice of introducing more celery into his diet. Perhaps a well-meaning vegetarian girlfriend who doesn't know any better.

In any case, please get over there immediately and help us talk him down. And whatever Chapter of the LSC covers his area, mobilize your intervention units and track down where he lives and send the hazmat team.

GO GO GO!

Dare to Be... Celery Free

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 21:09:00 +0000

Today's abomination is the latest "Color Dare" referred to as "Tempting Chocolate Celery".

The fashionistas over there are trying to inspire your creativity by having your combine brown and green together in a neo-70's color trend remodel. And they do this by calling brown and green something they think is way more exciting and sexy... Tempting Chocolate Celery.

While I'll give them the chocolate part, I have to say they not only have fallen short of the mark on the celery part. Celery is not only terribly unsexy aesthetically, but also detrimental to one's body and mind. Chocolate Celery is about as tempting as, say, "Chocolate Styrofoam" or "Chocolate Stringy Lint in Your Teeth" or "Chocolate Waste of Premium Agricultural Land Complete with Government Subsidies".

Come on, clever crafting fashionistas. You can surely do better than trying to make celery into something it's not. Please try, try again.

Beware of New Zealand Celery

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 04:08:00 +0000

Studies have shown a problem with chemical residue in celery grown in New Zealand. Sources say that the celery has been approved for human consumption, yet there is some cause for concern in certain circles.

Oversight? Or... something more deeply sinister? Read this article, then you decide.

FoodWeek: Crop tests produce good news and bad news on residues

New Member

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:01:00 +0000

Please welcome a new inductee to our group. She is becoming enlightened to the cause and is helping promote us and spread the word about the evils of celery.

Head over there now and give her a hearty celery-free welcome.

http://daytontime.blogspot.com/2009/04/this-is-cool-blog-you-should-check-out.html

ALERT: The Army is Amassing!

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 12:50:00 +0000

It has recently come to our attention that the pro-celery movement is amassing a huge army and doing a lot of celery PR. I am shocked at how blatant their activities are, as if they are just talking about something like curing cancer or raising toys for tots or other fine community building activities.

The article I'm about to show you is an example of how insidious their pro-celery activities are. The next thing you know they'll be serving celery in schools. (NEWS FLASH: My assistant editing this article pointed out to me that they are already serving celery in schools. TO OUR UNSUSPECTING CHILDREN! It's madness!)

So we have two boycott items: Wemerge Magazine and the American Celery Association

Spread the word... because these things might start jumping out at you from dark alleys and you need to know to protect yourself.

Source: Miami New Times

Boston Market Chicken Pot Pie

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:07:00 +0000

You might think I'm just a doomsayer. This post will prove to you that I'm absolutely not. I like to give credit where credit is due.

And today I would like to give credit to Boston Market for making a chicken pot pie that does not have celery in it.

I love chicken pot pie and always, always, always have to spend 15 minutes doing a search and destroy mission on all the tiny little pieces of celery that the communists put into the pie thinking nobody will ever notice. Well, I notice.

My delightful recent discovery is that Boston Market's pot pie (at least the chicken) is blissfully celery-free. I read the ingredients twice to be sure. I've had two of them with no sign of celery. There is only one location of concern where they list a generic "spices" which I suppose could have some celery-based spice included. However, I perceived no tell-tale celery taste to it whatsoever.

So, run out and support Boston Market for their celery-free product and tell all your celery hating friends.

And have a GREAT day!

(This was not a paid post and I did not get any free food for this review, although I wouldn't mind if Boston Market would show me some love and hire me as their celery-free promotion spokesperson! Or in lieu of a juicy spokesperson role, a case of celery-free pot pie would be okay, too.)

Celery Salt is Still Celery

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Someone asked me the other day if it's okay to use celery salt.

No. It's definitely not okay.

Here is my general rule of thumb... if it has the word "celery" anywhere in it it's not okay. Not in the name, not in the ingredients, not even the color "celery". Some of it is wrong because celery is vile and dangerous. Some is wrong just out of sheer principle.

But we have to be STRONG, people. If we give on the moral grounds it's the first step sliding down that slippery slope and before long we're doing celery and green apple shooters with our friends down at the bar.

Better safe than sorry, I say. And I hope you'll agree.

[photo credit: mister bisson]

Celery Shooters

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 02:39:00 +0000

If you're sensing a theme lately, you are very astute. There must be a trend lately to promote celery as an upscale or trendy ingredient. Personally I blame it on the recession as celery is a relatively cheap vegetable. So here the evildoers are using the recession as yet another tool to work their vile destruction on people who are trying to watch their budgets.

In any case, the latest culinary horror I've run across are celery and green apple shots. I don't have to tell you what's wrong with this. You know. It's just wrong. It's an abomination of nature. If God wanted people to be doing celery and apple shots he would have made the two things grow from the same plant. Because he can. And yet he DIDN'T, so what does that tell you?

Seriously, people.

[photo credit: Alexandra Moss]

California Celery

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 02:13:00 +0000

For those of you who are easily shocked or faint of heart, please go now. There is an epicurial abomination being passed around the countryside as "fancy eating". When I saw this I was so shocked to my very core that I had to go put a cold cloth on my face.

This dish called California Celery is a horrific mixture of celery gelatin, celery root puree, runny quail egg and truffles.

If you feel like you can handle the details, you can read more about it by following the link.

[photo credit: ulterior epicure]

Celery Diet

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy) — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:55:00 +0000

There is something going around the Internet called the "Celery Diet". Well, why don't we call this what it really is... the diet of death.

I don't know how got this started, but I strongly consider this an act of terrorism against heavyset Americans. Please, people, diet responsibly. If you have to do something extreme, for heaven's sake, do the cabbage soup diet or perhaps the infamous cardiac hospital diet.

Being thin is not worth the risk involved in this extreme and dangerous celery diet. Don't succumb to peer pressure. If you feel the need to do something risky, please call our hotline. Volunteers are standing by.

[photo credit: flitzy phoebie]