Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Special Prayer Request for a Neighbor's Daughter

2014-07-11T02:58:00.003+02:00

Please help me pray for my neighbor's daughter. We are on our way to the hospital now. She swallowed Memory Card (8G) and she is singing all the songs on it. We don't know what will happen when she gets to the videos folder.

Brazil vs Germany Scores Balance Sheet

2014-07-10T20:16:00.002+02:00

ACCOUNTING AT ITS BEST
__________________________
1999: Brazil 4-0 Germany
2002: Brazil 2-0 Germany
2004: Brazil 1-1 Germany
__________________________
2014: Brazil 1-7 Germany.
__________________________
TOTAL Bra 8-8 Ger

Balance sheet tally... GBAM!!! Right or Wrong?

BRAZIL vs GERMANY

2014-07-10T20:02:00.001+02:00

The commentator must be a comedian... He kept dropping hilarious and wicked comments through out the entire match....just a few, add yours.

1..I have never seen a goal less celebrated in my life.

2. The Brazilians can't wait to return to the dressing room which will be their sanctuary for now.

3. This is the kind of score line that can make grey hair turn white.

4. Brazil used up all its energy singing the national anthem.

5. "Brazil's goal makes the scoreline more astonishing"

6. "Dante has just collected a yellow card to complete his day".

7. "The referee is considering not giving any extra time, to save Brazil from further humiliation
"
8. "I can't remember the last time the Brazilians had a shot on target " (he said that in the first half).

9. 20mins into the 2nd half, he said "Brazil has not conceded a world cup goal since 39mins ago"

10. "Germany are getting goals and the Brazilians are getting confused."

MEN THIS IS FOR YOU

2014-05-12T23:13:00.001+02:00

24 ELDER’S WORDS OF WISDOM FOR MEN IN RELATIONSHIP

* My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.

* My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family,please don’t let her go.

* My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.

* My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.

* My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in-charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.

* My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.

* My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.

* My son, in our days, we had many wives and many children because of our large farm-lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.

* My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.

* My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.

* My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.

* My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.

* My son, your mother, Asake rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.

* My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?

* My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house, divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.

* My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.

* My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.

* My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.

* My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.

* My son, your mother and I is not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.

* My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.

* My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, it’s a secret of growing old and having children to take care of you too.

* My son, pray with your family, there is a tomorrow you don’t know, talk to God that knows everything, everyday.

* My son, if I had taken my time to tell you all these and your marriage did not last like that of your mother and I, then you are a bastard.

SOURCE: http://www.coachdexplorer.com/2014/05/24-elders-words-of-wisdom-for-men-in.html

ONCE UPON A TIME BEFORE BRAZILIAN HAIR :-D

2014-02-25T15:17:00.001+01:00

LADIES HOW FAR NA?

Una still remember?

THINKING OUT OF THE BOX

2014-02-25T15:04:00.002+01:00

An eccentric philosophy professor decided to give a one-question final year examination to his students after a semester dealing with a vast array of topics.

The class was already seated when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:

“Using everything you have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers set to work, examination booklets were filled up in a furious fashion as students poured down ideas.

Some students wrote 40 pages in two and half hours with philosophical theories, postulates and authorities cited.

A member of the class, however, finished his paper in less than a minute and submitted to everybody’s astonishment.

Weeks later when the results were released, the rest of the class wondered how the boy could make the only “A” in the class of 180 when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“What chair?”

SHOW OF SHAME

2013-11-26T17:58:00.003+01:00

LOL

CHILDHOOD SONGS/POEMS WE MISSED THEIR CORRECT LYRICS

2013-07-31T20:37:00.001+02:00

LET'S HAVE FUN

(Decided to repost after many requests)

We can't deny the fact that as kids, wetin concern us with lyrics?...lol. We sang nonsense!!! As far as we get the nearest word for the sound made in the song/poem, we're good to go. No be so?

Which can u remember? bring them on! I bet everyone had different versions of lyrics... LOL

~ "Hip, mother hip.. Mother hipopo..
Pio pio mother hipopo and tm tm mother hipopotamous..!!!..."

~ "Our father two times eleven"

~ "Praise the lord, osingo osingo.... praise d Lord..."

~ "Jangilova epo motor..."

~ "Our faaather! look at in heaven, adaobi thy name!!!..."

~ "Twinkle twinkle little star, uuuur urur ur yoh yoh
hmm yoh little ..
Like ur father in the pot..."

~ "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ELEMENO PEE..."

~ "Arise o com pa shon, Nigeria skol obe..."

~ "Two black birds sitting on the wall... Nwannem Peter nwannem paul..."

~ "Sandalili sandalili..."

~ "Ringa ringa rosy a .....(incoherent balbbings) i tish you i tish you
we all fall down"

~ "O when they say, o marching in, O when they say o marching in. O Lord, my God I want to be in d number, O when they say O marching in..."

~ "tusa tusa our march, one nature band in freedom, peace and unity"

~ "Whereva u go...gogogongo!
Whereva uv bn...sisieko!
Do not say yess when u mean to say no...baba ibadan!..."

Keep them coming...

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ONLY GOD CAN SAVE US FROM NAIJA POLICE

2013-07-31T19:41:00.003+02:00

(Fb updates)

U can barely escape accusations from a Naija Policeman.

‪#‎9jaPoliceBeLike‬ why z ur laptop bag empty,u want to steal laptop and kip it in d bag abi, oga ade, enta motor

#9jaPoliceBeLike ur car radio is playing "ema dami duro" young man, if u want to say smt, you better say it directly!!!

#9jaPoliceBeLike PARK!!! I say PARK!!! I say Park there my frend!!! *lowers voice* wetin boys go chop na?

#9japolicebelike young man may we know u, sergeant Bature give am one.

#9japolicebelike you last received call was 13:30, you have been making calls for the past 13 hours and driving. PARK ! ! !

#9jaPoliceBeLike The victim committed Suicide, but we just arrested the person that killed him.....

#9jaPoliceBeLike Oga, dis ur Range Rover Sport fine o. oya use am take jam dis wall mek we check weda ur airbag dey work. u no gree? oya park!!!

#9jaPoliceBeLike why ur car no get A/C???? u wan use heat kill yourself...u wan commit suicide?.. Oga Park well.

#9jaPolicebelike the picture in your license you carry Afro, y do u Now carry low cut now? Ogbeni Abeg come down.

#9jaPoliceBeLike why do u have fertilizer in your boot? You dey grow weed abi? Follow us to station.

#9jaPoliceBeLike why are there condoms in ur wallet or are u a rapist? Oya Come down

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PRACTICAL LESSON OF THE DAY (TRY IT)

2013-06-27T10:12:00.004+02:00

FOCUS!

Focus on the Red Dot and holla if the blue circle disappears.

This is a practical demonstration of the word 'focus'.

When you focus on a thing, the remaining thoughts and objects should disappear.

TIPS ON HOW TO GET RID OF SMELLY FEET

2013-06-27T10:06:00.006+02:00

GETTING RID OF SMELLY FEET

Embarrassed to pull off your shoes in front of others because of the smell that oozes out of your feet? Know that your feet get smelly due to an imbalance in bacteria and bacteria love dark, damp environments.

What you may not know is that the waste product of bacteria is the smell - not the bacteria itself. Micrococcus sedentarius is the name for the creatures that create the crud.

Mind you, the better the quality of shoes and socks you wear, the lower your chances of stinky feet. Quality shoes made of non-plastic materials resist the introduction of these smelly intruders. Even high quality moisture-wicking socks can help keep your feet dry. Moreover, you can avoid the smell by putting on more shoes. This simply means that if you have a few days between putting on your shoes, there is time for them to dry completely and help prevent the attacks of those pesky producers of smell

Here are tips to keep all of your shoes odour-free and get rid of smelly feet

-Wash and dry your feet before wearing shoes.

-Sprinkle baking soda or deodorising foot powder in your shoes - before you wear them and after you remove them.

-Before wearing your powdered shoes, shake out excess powder or clap them together outside.

-Wear anti-perspirant on your feet, or buy special foot deodorant.

-Use a dryer sheet inside your shoes when you aren’t wearing them.

-Insoles can help keep your shoes free of odour. They come in many colours to match your shoes.

-Wear socks that wick moisture, like hiking or running socks.

-Wash your socks in a disinfectant or bleach.

-Avoid wearing the same shoes two days in a row. Your shoes need time to air out.

KEMI LAWAL via www.abiyamo.com

WONDERFUL GOD!!!

2013-06-27T07:50:00.003+02:00

What can you see???

SAVE OJB

2013-06-26T07:48:00.003+02:00

This is honestly becoming an embarrassment to the entertainment industry.

I now begin to doubt if the news we hear about our celebrities buying expensive stuffs are real.

Bla bla bla Iyanya signed N60M contract with MTN

Bla bla bla bla Wizkid bash hin N50M porche

Bla bla bla bla... Psquare moved into their N300M worth of Mansion

Bla bla bla... Dbanj buys $25,000 suit of money... ETC

Babatunde David Okungbowa popularly known as OJB Jezreel is a renowned musician and music producer.

He has produced so many hits including ‘African Queen’ (2face Idibia).

Tu baba where u dey na?

Currently, OJB Jezreel is making headlines for having a kidney related disease which has resulted in the necessity for a kidney transplant.

The transplant which should take place in India will cost approximately $100,000 USD.

Few hours ago Kelly Handsome went into the studio to write and record this SOS song “Save OJB” which is a call for support from all, not only from people in the Entertainment Industry.

The Song: http://www.hulkshare.com/attcvsxoxo8w

Kelly Handsome shall make an unannounced donation to OJB this week and may be flying into Nigeria for the ‘Save OJB’ Concert in Abuja.

In the spirit of brotherly love, let us be our brothers’ keeper – No amount is too small to save his life.

Send your donations directly to his account:

BANK ACCOUNT INFO: UBA, Babatunde Okungbowa, 1015075120.

GOD BLESS YOU AND GOD BLESS THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.

CBJ TEAM.

BACK IN THE DAYS

2013-04-29T23:24:00.004+02:00

We all had our special nickname for 'Garri' especially in schools.

Some know it as 'Student power', some 'Garium Sulphite' etc.

What was/is/are/were the nickname(s) u know???

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CHILDHOOD SONGS/POEMS WE MISSED THEIR CORRECT LYRICS

2013-04-18T20:59:00.001+02:00

We can't deny the fact that as kids, wetin concern us with lyrics?...lol. We sang nonsense!!! As far as we get the nearest word for the sound made in the song/poem, we're good to go. No be so?

Which can u remember? bring them on! I bet everyone had different versions of lyrics... LOL

~ "Hip, mother hip.. Mother hipopo..
Pio pio mother hipopo and tm tm mother hipopotamous..!!!..."

~ "Praise the lord, osingo osingo.... praise d Lord..."

~ "Jangilova epo motor..."

~ "Our faaather! look at in heaven, adaobi thy name!!!..."

~ "Twinkle twinkle little star, uuuur urur ur yoh yoh
hmm yoh little ..
Like ur father in the pot..."

~ "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ELEMENO PEE..."

~ "Arise o com pa shon, Nigeria skol obe..."

~ "Two black birds sitting on the wall... Nwannem Peter nwannem paul..."

~ "Sandalili sandalili..."

~ "Ringa ringa rosy a .....(incoherent balbbings) i tish you i tish you
we all fall down"

~ "O when they say, o marching in, O when they say o marching in. O Lord, my God I want to be in d number, O when they say O marching in..."

~ "tusa tusa our march, one nature band in freedom, peace and unity"

~ "Whereva u go...gogogongo!
Whereva uv bn...sisieko!
Do not say yess when u mean to say no...baba ibadan!..."

GOLDIE DIES...

2013-02-15T02:32:00.001+01:00

Nigerian Singer, GOLDIE is dead.

May her soul REST IN PEACE!

MEET REBECCA, PROSTITUTE WHO HAS SLEPT WITH 900 MEN

2013-02-06T13:56:00.000+01:00

If your man is not asking you for s*x anymore, it means he’s seeking it elsewhere. He’s not going to accept being in a marriage without s*x.

‘I’m sure there are women who know that their man has been cheating but are happy because they don’t want to have s*x with him anymore.

‘They are probably relieved that he’s not hassling them and just decide to turn a blind eye. Everyone always hates the escorts but you have to remember there are women are probably quite thankful that they’re around.’

Valentine’s Day evokes mixed emotions for Rebecca, reminding her of the nine years she worked as an escort and of the men who will cheat on their wives this February 14, many of them with paid companions.

These days, Rebecca works as an author, dating coach and infidelity expert – something she feels she has a unique perspective on.

She says it is her duty to educate both men and women about the reasons married men seek out the company of escorts.

‘About 60 per cent of the men I saw while I was escorting were married or had girlfriends,’ says Rebecca.

‘Men cheat for different reasons. Some may be genuinely lacking intimacy at home but others just get off on the danger element of wondering whether they’ll get caught.’

Valentine’s Day can be a busy time for escorts.

On one occasion, Rebecca spent the afternoon in a Newcastle hotel with a client. When they had finished having s*x, he called down to reception asking for champagne and a change of sheets as his wife was arriving half an hour later for a romantic Valentine’s evening with her husband.

Rebecca says she doesn’t know why prostitutes always get the blame. ‘It’s the responsibility of the person in the relationship to be faithful,’ she says

‘I was so angry,’ says Rebecca. ‘I think clients sometimes forgot that my loyalties lie with women.

‘I don’t know why we always get the blame in these situations – it’s the responsibility of the person in the relationship to be faithful.

‘Even if the hottest woman in the world comes on to your boyfriend, he should be strong enough to withstand it and, if he’s not, she’s done you a favour.’

Rebecca remembers another occasion on which she spent the night in London with a married client who had told his wife he was watching a football match in Manchester.

‘In the morning he was he in bed reading the paper, catching up on the football results and memorising who had scored goals and what had happened during the match. Later that day, his wife called and I heard him telling her about the match – even what the weather had been like.’

Despite such experiences, Rebecca enjoyed her work from the moment she began escorting aged 25. After failing at college, struggling through a string of dead end jobs, and without any capital or training behind her, Rebecca decided that this was her only chance of making good money.

The daughter of a navy navigator and a school teacher, Rebecca had an auspicious start in life, attending a convent school in Derbyshire and embarking on a fashion degree.

However, after dropping out of university without finishing her course, Rebecca found herself in a cycle of boring, low paid jobs. By this time, she had already worked as a glamour model and a dancer so, for her, becoming an escort was the next step.

Since she was living at home at the time, Rebecca was honest with her parents about what she was planning to do.

‘My parents had despaired of me,’ she says.

‘I’d always been a rebellious child and at this point they just didn’t know what to do with me. It would have been different if I was 18, but because I was 25 I think they realised I was an adult and they just wanted to let me make my own mistakes.

‘It was not the job my mum would have chosen for me but once she saw I was going to really nice restaurants and hotels and meeting people like bankers and solicitors, I think she became marginally more comfortable with it.’

Rebecca’s mum dropped her at the bus stop the day she went to see her first client, an accountant in Liverpool. While she barely had the money for a bus fare on the way to her date, on the way back Rebecca was £1,400 richer.

‘I remember getting the train back and just counting all these notes,’ she says. ‘After working for as little as £100 a week in my previous job as a travel agent, I couldn’t believe I’d just made so much money.’

Rebecca didn’t look back and within three months of setting up her own business, she had a mortgage and was buying her own flat.

‘The guy in the bank gave me a mortgage straight away when he heard I was an escort,’ she says. ‘He told me they never had any problem with girls in my profession.’

Because she chose always to work for herself rather than for an agency, Rebecca would spend the days looking for new clients, doing admin and organising her own advertising.

As she was highly selective about who she would see, Rebecca never spent time with more than 4 men a week and sometimes went for a month without a booking if she didn’t feel comfortable about any of the potential clients who would get in touch.

When she did work, the rewards were great. Specialising in overnight stays, Rebecca frequently found herself whisked abroad, spending time with men in Hong Kong, Dubai, Italy, Paris and Switzerland. She saw some clients regularly and developed close relationships with them.

‘My favourite was a guy in his 70s,’ she says.

‘He was married but his wife didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as him anymore because he snored! He owned a factory and was loaded – he would spend thousands of pounds on jewellery and clothes for me. I liked him because he was a lovely guy though, very respectful with a dry sense of humour. We didn’t even really have s*x – it was more about the companionship.’

Although the money was good and Rebecca admits to getting a buzz from dressing up and walking into swanky hotels to meet her clients, eventually she decided enough was enough.

‘I want to have kids and settle down and I didn’t want to be working as an escort while I did that,’ she says. ‘I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something else and was capable of earning money in another way.’

Rebecca says that men cheat for myriad reasons. ‘Some guys are just cheats,’ she says.

‘Some are not confident about communicating with their other half. They think that if they tell her they want more s*x, she’ll be upset.

‘Some don’t want to leave, as they love their wife, but they need more intimacy. By seeing an escort, they’re just trying to find a way to stay with the woman they love.’

Although Rebecca does not condone cheating, in some instances she thinks it can be justified.

‘I want to challenge women’s point of view. I want women to read the stories in my book and think – I quite like this guy and understand where he’s coming from.’

One man who has anonymously contributed to Rebecca’s book is living with a wife who suffers from severe manic depression.

He doesn’t want to leave because he would have to take the children and his wife would be broken-hearted, but he still craves intimacy with a woman and has therefore decided to pay escorts for s*x and companionship.

‘You can’t help but feel for him,’ Rebecca says.

‘Cheating is not black and white. There are some circumstances where people don’t have any other options. My book will be really valuable insight into how men are thinking.’

It has now been three years since Rebecca worked as an escort and, although she sometimes misses the quick cash, her life has moved on. At the same time as writing her book on infidelity, she is putting together a book of s*x tips, working as a media ‘sexpert’ and running a dating coach service, charging men for Skype sessions in which she guides them through the minefields of flirting, dating and relationships using her training as an NLP Master Practitioner.

‘Some women have a problem with me giving this advice because of the job I used to do but I’ve dated around 900 men and my knowledge comes from experience,’ says Rebecca. ‘I know what I’m doing is of value – I just want to help people stay in relationships.’

$610,000 PRIZE TURNED OUT TO BE $67: MISTAKEN LOTTO 'WINNER' LIVED RICH WHILE IT LASTED - RICH: IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED

2013-02-02T14:23:00.001+01:00

Call it a demonstration of the perverse power of money.

Bill Helko, a maintenance mechanic from Arcadia, bought five chances at the big $15.5-million Lotto prize last weekend. Late Saturday night, he called the Lotto information number. The recording seemed to be telling him that one of his tickets, on which Helko picked four of the six winning numbers, was worth $610,000.

Actually, Helko realized later, that's not what the recording said at all. The $610,000 was the prize pool for \o7 all\f7 of the winners in the 4-of-6 category. There were, it turned out, 9,096 other winners to share the amount.

"In the heat of the situation, no one paid attention to the word 'pool,' " said Helko, sitting in his living room later last week, chastened and amused at himself.

A tall man with a bushy mustache, the good-natured Helko, 38, wore a T-shirt with the word "MINE" in block letters repeated down his chest in diminishing sizes, like a fading echo.

Lesson in Human Nature

What happened in the five days after Helko and his family leapt to the conclusion that they were half-millionaires amounted to a bittersweet lesson in human nature, Helko says now. "People change when a substantial amount of money comes into their presence," he has concluded.

Late as it was that Saturday, Helko and his wife, Glenda, decided to share the good news with friends and relatives. They called their parents, some relatives back in Michigan, co-workers and Helko's boss at Xerox Medical Systems in Pasadena.

"I had the audacity to call him up at a quarter to midnight Saturday night and tell him I wouldn't be in on Monday because I just won $600,000," said Helko.

Planned Dream Home

There followed a sleepless night. Helko paced the floor, planning a dream home--"a monster bedroom, a bathroom with a Jacuzzi, an indoor-outdoor swimming pool"--and a bar-restaurant called "Loco Bill's." His 12-year-old son, Jim, was going to get a gold-plated skateboard, and his 9-year-old daughter, Rachel, a roomful of Cabbage Patch dolls. Both would go to college. And there would be a new car for Glenda.

At noon on Sunday, the Helkos marched down to the convenience store where they had bought their Lotto ticket. Glenda saw the 4-of-6 prize posted on a board: a measly $67 per winner. But Bill walked to the window and plunked his winning ticket down before he realized his mistake.

The Helkos had been rich for a total of 14 hours.

"Well, that's not bad for a $5 investment," shrugged Glenda, the practical member of the family. Bill laughed.

However, word about Helko's "good luck" had already spread to long-lost relatives around the country. And when he returned to his job at the research facility last Tuesday, Helko discovered that he had a new, magical status among his co-workers.

"My name was no longer Bill, it was 'Lucky,' " he said. "Ladies would come up to me and wanted to rub my hands."

Helko didn't have the heart to reveal the truth. "It (the saga of Lucky Helko) just grew and grew and grew," he said.

The mythical prize seemed to sit there invitingly, like the pot of money on a television quiz show. It looked so good that some of his friends could almost taste it.

'I noticed a new pattern," Helko said. "People started to change their outlook."

There was, in some cases, a subtle progression from congratulatory back- slapping to hungry circling.

"One friend wanted me to buy him a washer-dryer set," Helko said. "Another suddenly had this dire need for $20,000. It was 'God, Bill, I'm glad to hear it.' And then, 'Hey, I need $20,000. Right now.' " By mid-week, total strangers were calling him with sob stories, and neighbors were

trying to sell him things.

Co-workers thrust into Helko's hands the business cards of relatives who were investment counselors. One acquaintance even offered a drug deal. "He said he could take $100,000 and build it into $1 million in 30 days," Helko said.

Some people seemed angry. "There were people who used to talk to me in the hall, saying, 'How you doin', Bill?"' Helko said. "All of a sudden they wouldn't even talk to me. They were really mad."

Others Genuinely Happy

But others seemed genuinely happy at Helko's good fortune. A senior vice president at the company counseled him about taxes. His boss, Charles Fantom, national facilities manager for Xerox Medical System, congratulated him. "He told me there wasn't a person more deserving of it than me," Helko said.

"There were really all kinds of reactions," he said.

By Wednesday morning, a harsher reality caught up with Helko. On his way to work, the family car, a 1964 Thunderbird, threw a rod. It was beyond repair. The $67 had been spent on groceries, and the Helkos will probably have a bill at least that big for all the long- distance phone calls they made.

Posted Apology

On Thursday, Helko posted an apology on the company bulletin board, saying the story of his good luck had been "blown out of proportion." By then, co-workers had begun to suspect that the story was not true.

"I had read that there were two second-place winners who won over $600,000, and both of them were from the San Fernando Valley," said Fantom, Helko's boss.

Helko, rubbing his sore feet after the six-mile trek home from Pasadena when his car broke down, was philosophical. "We couldn't have had this much fun if we took the $67 and went to Disneyland," he said.

And there is, after all, this week's Lotto drawing to look forward to. Helko already has his $5 worth of tickets.

BULL IN SLAUGHTERHOUSE BEGS FOR ITS LIFE

2013-02-01T22:21:00.003+01:00

Animals have feelings too. This is what this next story is telling us — if proven real.

A bull in Hong Kong was reported to cry and somewhat beg for his life.

Workers in a slaughterhouse were surprised when the bull suddenly knelt and cried before it was ushered into the slaughterhouse.

Shiu, one of the workers, said that he trembled when he saw the bull’s teary eyes.

They continued trying to pull the bull inside, but failed. The crying bull just would not budge!

The workers were moved and decided to gather funds to purchase the bull and give it to monks, who would take care of it.

According to the slaughterhouse workers, when they decided not to kill the bull, the creature stood up and followed them.

Hmm! What do you guys think?

101-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER ‘COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD’

2013-02-01T21:41:00.000+01:00

Mourners at a house in China were left shocked after a 101-year-old woman they thought was dead sat up just before she was due to be put into a coffin and spoke to them.

Peng Xiuhua surprised her friends and family when she awoke in Lianjiang, Guangdong province, and asked why her house was so crowded.

She had been declared dead after her two daughters found her lifeless body following a fall in her residence.

The two women in their 70s had bathed their mother and an undertaker had dressed her in preparation for her funeral.

But the memorial was not to take place after the grandmother sat up, just as she was being lowered into a casket.

Peng said: ‘I am a lucky woman.

‘Not only did I get to see how many people care for me, but I also woke up before they took me to the crematorium.’

Lucky indeed.

GARY THE GOAT WALKS FREE FROM COURT AFTER BEATING FLOWER-EATING RAP

2013-01-25T22:37:00.002+01:00

A flower-eating goat named Gary has been cleared of vandalism after an Australian judge dismissed the case at a court in Sydney.

His owner Jim Dezarnaulds had been ordered to pay a 440 Australian dollar (£290) fine after Gary was spotted snacking on a flower bed outside the city’s Museum of Contemporary Art.

The case was dismissed however, after a judge ruled that neither Gary nor his owner could be held accountable for the crime.

Magistrate Carolyn Barkell said there was no evidence that Gary, who had his own lawyer, had been brought there to intentionally eat the flowers.

‘This is actually an abuse of the laws of nature, I mean it was a goat eating grass,’ Mr Dezarnaulds said after the verdict was announced.

‘I’m a comedian, I can come up with jokes, but it’s pretty hard to compete with cops coming up with this stuff.

‘It’s obviously a joke, but the fact that we’re here it’s gone a bit beyond a joke.’

Gary, who was not required to give evidence, did not comment on the verdict upon leaving court.

Mr Dezarnaulds added: ‘Gary taught the cops a valuable lesson and that’s don’t bite off more than you can chew.’

Gary became an internet star after news of his plight went viral, with his official Facebook page racking up over 10,000 likes.

MORE THAN 15,000 CROCODILES ESCAPE FROM SOUTH AFRICA REPTILE FARM

2013-01-25T22:26:00.002+01:00

More than 15,000 crocodiles have escaped from a reptile farm in South Africa amid heavy flooding.

The runaway crocs are on the loose in and around one of the African country’s biggest rivers following a prolonged period of extreme wet weather conditions.

Rakwena Crocodile Farm was forced to open its gates over fears rushing flood water would crush the crocodiles.

‘There used to be only a few crocodiles in the Limpopo River. Now there are a lot,’ explained Zane Langman, a son-in-law of the farm’s owner.

‘I heard there were crocodiles in Musina [about 120km away] on the school’s rugby field.

‘When we reached them, the crocodiles were swimming around them. Praise the Lord, they were all alive.’

More than half of the reptiles have been recaptured following the floods which have led to the evacuation of thousands of residents in Mozambique and South Africa .

CBJ FLAUNT YOUR TALENT (TALENT HUNT)

2013-01-22T00:52:00.002+01:00

Central Bank of Jokes

CBJ Flaunt Your Talent

PREAMBLE

Inspired by the spirit of jokes and the archetypical feat of comedy shows in Nigeria, this year the Central Bank of Jokes (CBJ) will be anchoring many ceremonies, including weddings, and events in general. To this end, we want to hunt for stand-up comedy talents to join our team immediately.

Titled CBJ FLAUNT YOUR TALENT the exercise is intended to serve as a channel through which the best stand-up comedy talents will be hired to work with the CBJ Team.

PURPOSE: To create opportunities for people with stand-up comedy talents

DESCRIPTION/INSTRUCTIONS

CBJ Flaunt Your Talent is a non-discriminatory means of scouting for the best stand-up comedians to join the CBJ Team. Intending contestants will be required to follow these steps orderly:

1) Pay application fee of N2,500 to:
Account Name: BRAINSTED GLOBAL RESOURCES LTD
Account Number: 0015130962
Bank Name: Ecobank Plc, GRA Ogudu Branch, Ojota, Lagos State

2) Register on YouTube if you don’t have an account there already, and upload your five-minute amateur joke there. Your video does not have to be a professional video. You can even use your mobile phones or any other handheld device or your webcam to do the recording. All we want to see is your 'swag', which is very easy to do!

3) Visit https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?fromEmail=true&formkey=dERJQ2pHVkp1RUR1VUx6OU5BYndLNlE6MQ to register for the competition by providing the link to your five-minute jokes on YouTube. Make sure that the name you have on the payment teller is the same as the one you fill on the form. Indicate your TELLER NUMBER clearly on the form (there is a column for this on the form).

4) Wait for email response from CBJ within 21 working days.
NOTE: Ensure that you make payment to the bank before applying for the contest otherwise your application will not be treated.

PROPOSED TIME-TABLE

1) Registration starts immediately and ends on February 28, 2013.

2) Auditioning will start immediately and end March 30, 2013 — this will be on 'first come, first served' basis.

AUDITIONING DYNAMICS & DETAILS

CBJ Flaunt Your Talent allows participation from any part of the country. We believe many people can participate in this hunt through their handheld devices, mobile phones or other Internet enabled platforms.

The following prizes are available for the winners:

First Prize — N100,000 Cash and an opportunity to join CBJ Stand-up Comedians Team

Second Prize — N50,000 Cash and an opportunity to join CBJ Stand-up Comedians Team

Third Prize — N25,000 Cash and an opportunity to join CBJ Stand-up Comedians Team

This is an attempt to take the industry to the next level. We desire to be able to add new talents to the industry. The winners of the hunt will become CBJ Stand-up Comedians who will be anchoring various events, wedding ceremonies, end of the parties, birthday event, across the country on behalf of the CBJ Team.

REGISTRATION LINK:
Visit https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?fromEmail=true&formkey=dERJQ2pHVkp1RUR1VUx6OU5BYndLNlE6MQ

For more information, call:

CBJ Gov: +1 940 337 8623
CBT Team Manager: +234 702 613 3797
...............................................................................
CBJ PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/CentralBankofJokes
CBJ TWITTER HANDLE: @CenBankofJokes
CBJ BLOG: http://centralbankofjokes.blogspot.com/

2,452 PARTY FOULS EARNS MAN SPOT IN THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS

2013-01-18T15:54:00.003+01:00

Scottsdale, AZ — In one evening last November a Scottsdale man committed so many party fouls that it earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. The party where this feat occurred was at the Lancaster mansion party in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is a party which is thrown yearly for the elite of the elite in the area, and every year 34-year-old Paul Horner is invited for some reason.

“I don’t know why we keep inviting Mr. Horner back to our parties every year. We realize we’re just asking for trouble, but the guests seem to love him and he keeps them extremely entertained,” said 54-year-old Winston Lancaster III, who is the owner of the mansion where this exclusive party is held every year.

Paul Horner seen here committed enough party fouls last November to earn him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Elizabeth Lancaster told reporters that guests are forewarned of Horner’s attendance at the party. “Every year we warn people that Horner will be attending and of his previous actions,” Lancaster said. “What can I say, he’s a big hit. People love his antics. Some people just follow him around all night to see what crazy shenanigans he’ll do next.”

The following is a list of carefully documented events from the evening in question that earned Horner the top spot in The Guinness Book of World Records for most party fouls committed in one 24-hour period.

Announced to the crowd that the punch bowl had been spiked with Aids

Challenged 24 people to a fight, then tried hugging them the rest of the night

Broke 4 flat screen televisions with his head and fists

Put on a dress with no underwear, along with a lampshade on his head and started flirting with everyone in attendance, demanding that they give him their number or “face the consequences”

Puked all over the bartender, in the kitchen, in the living room, in the pool, in four separate bedrooms while making no attempt to clean up the mess or make it to the bathroom

Ordered 5 prostitutes with Mr. Lancaster’s Visa card without his permission

Took a sledge hammer to 3 different ice sculptures completely destroying them

Took off his pants and peed into 4 different punch bowls filled with alcohol

Started a toast announcing to the crowd how happy he was to be there, then instead of saying anything he just started smoking crack

Set fire to the guest house

Threw human feces at women that declined his invitation to dance or refused to give him their phone number

Lost both shoes, then stole a new pair from a blind man

Fell down the stairs 14 times

Pulled a knife on a 5-year-old

Walked into four different glass doors, shattering two of them

Spilled full cups of beer on 17 different people

Pushed 11 guests into the pool

Did the Macarena for 2 hours straight while singing Nickelback songs out loud through a megaphone as a DJ for the party played other genres of music that were not related to the Macarena or any songs performed by Nickelback

Fell into a pyramid of 1,000 bottles of Dom Perignon stacked on top of each other worth an estimated $200,000. Every bottle was broken and Horner was dripping blood from head to toe but refused medical treatment. He instead started throwing the broken shards of glass at guests while wiping his blood on furniture and the family dog.

Horner texted all 575 people on his phone, male and female, that he was DTF

Put rat poison in a dish of potato salad

Spat on 27 people

Engaged in sexual activities with 5 prostitutes in the master bedroom

Consumed 16 pills of xanax while smoking PCP, then started running around the party naked yelling something about an agency of the government being after him

Horner left the party with the owner’s Porsche and their 16-year-old daughter Annabell Williamsburg telling onlookers to “suck his balls” and that he was headed for Mexico. Horner or Annabell have not been seen or heard from since the incident.

Horner was the previous World Record holder for most party fouls in a 24-hour-period but he topped last year’s accomplishments by an extra 4 spilled drinks and instead of two broken flat screens, this year it was four, plus a lot more human feces was thrown.

“We just love Horner attending our parties,” said Mrs. Lancaster. “He provides our guests with so much entertainment. We can’t wait to see what Horner has in store for our party next year! We just hope he returns our daughter Annabell and the Porsche as soon as possible, we would really appreciate that.”

If you have any information about Horner’s whereabouts or the Lancaster’s 16-year-old daughter please contact (785) 273-0325. A $100,000 reward is currently being offered and as always you can remain anonymous.

CBJ AMEBO: MAN MARRIES MOTHER-IN-LAW AFTER DEATH OF WIFE

2013-01-16T18:05:00.002+01:00

A man and his mother-in-law defied all social norms and got married two years after the death of the late’s wife, Metro News report

Judah Magarasadza’s wife Rozie Gopoza died in 2008 and two months later his mother-in-law Felistus Gopoza came to his life.

The two loved each other until they were wedded in 2010.On a sad note ,both the families of these norm and religious law breakers refused to attend their reception.

From 2010 to December last year, the two were living as husband and wife. In 2010 ,the man died but the woman was barred from the from the funeral by her husband’s relatives who vehemently told her that they did not recognise her relationship with their son.

“She was thrown out. Anyway who would blame them? They were very right in doing so. What kind of a relationship is that,” blasted the source.