Chalk Farm

Being the hero….

Jennifer — Wed, 16 May 2012 21:23:58 +0000

I’m not a hero. At least, I don’t want to be. So why am I trying so hard to look like one?

Life has taken me on a few crazy roads this past month with both my personal life and my health. It’s been difficult, exhausting, painful and a real drag. Cancer continues to be an unwanted pest tapping at my back door and let’s just say I’m getting on with it, but there are days it seems really unfair and extremely inconvenient. Okay, that’s putting it mildly. Listen, I’d much rather be with my kids or out hunting for antiques or doing a million other things. And yet, every week, I take my marching orders and to the oncologist’s office I go…. I take the drugs, I get the shots, I get my blood drawn, I try to have a sense of humor, and on some days I succeed. And on some days, I really don’t.

My doctor yelled at me a few weeks ago. I’m not kidding. Really laid into me. Why? Well, I have rescheduled a few treatments, and yes, sometimes I fudge being where I’m supposed to be on the exact day I should be there, but come on! What’s a few days here and there? He said it was a big deal, and I couldn’t believe it:

“You’re not taking your health seriously.”

Huh? You ever see a porcupine bristle? Well, that was my reaction. Pure indignation. What is he TALKING about? How could he SAY such a thing? I alternated between tears and anger. How could anyone, especially my doctor, who knows my family is my LIFE, think that I Jennifer, Super-Mom, Super-Wife, Super-Actress, Super-Career-Woman, how could he even SUGGEST that I don’t take my health seriously?

Well, it took a few hours for me to calm down and figure out what he was really trying to tell me. You see, cancer is easier to cope with when you are sick, and there have been times when I have been very, very sick. When your hair is falling out and you can’t get up and your eyelashes and eyebrows are gone, you look in the mirror and a sick person stares back at you. It’s hard to argue with what’s looking you right in the eye. So you lay low, often not by choice, but because you just can’t even muster up the energy to go anywhere. But then if you’re lucky, at some point you find your way out of the woods, and as the months go on, you start to feel normal, like a cancer-free person….except when you live with Stage 4 cancer, the word free isn’t exactly part of your daily vocabulary. And it’s not that you take your health for granted, it’s just that you don’t feel sick, so how serious are you supposed to be?

When I look in the mirror, I see a healthy, vibrant woman staring back at me. She doesn’t look sick. And I’m very busy. I’ve got three kids. I’ve got a voice-over career, I’ve got an antique show, I’ve got to get to the market, the mall, the school, the dry cleaner. I just don’t have TIME for all of this cancer nonsense.

Well…. that’s not how it always goes. I am, whether I like it or not, an occasional prisoner to cancer. It has happened before, it will happen again, and it’s happening now. There are times when I just have to suck it up. I’ve had a lot of time to ponder what that means, to suck it up. Does that mean I should give up my life and who I am, and all of the things I enjoy? No. What I think it means, is that I don’t need to try to be the hero all the time. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to be sad. Hell, it’s okay to be scared. Sometimes I think I do too much because to admit I feel tired or absolutely terrified of cancer is often a little more than I can deal with.

I think all of this so-called strength actually makes my husband a nervous wreck. I keep on thinking that if I just keep on going, eventually he’ll stop worrying about me. And then I sometimes think that if I try hard enough, I can actually make him completely forget that he has a wife with cancer. But I can’t do that either. I do have cancer, and it must be really hard for him. Who wants a sick wife, even if that wife is me?

I’m pretty sure he does. In fact, I’m betting on it.

And I don’t see my kids looking to trade me in for a newer, better model. My daughters have seen me naked, they see how cancer has claimed my breast. They see the scars on my chest. I don’t hear anyone complaining. In fact, my older daughter called me brave once. I think maybe being brave is a good thing. I think maybe it’s even better than being a hero.

Maybe sometimes, we need to stop running from ourselves and not be so afraid for people to see us for who we really are. Flawed, tired, scared, angry, sad….maybe it’s okay sometimes to stay home and watch the sky and look in the mirror and be okay with whatever reflects back at us.

I think maybe I’m going to do that right now….and then, I’m going antiquing.

Extending an Olive Branch…..

Jennifer — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 19:09:59 +0000

Dear Friends,

I had been wondering for quite some time why I was not receiving emails thru the Chalk Farm website. After a customer let me know that she had not received a response to an email yesterday, I investigated a little bit further. I was horrified to discover that over 500 unread emails had been sent to my domain archives. Some of these were orders, some were inquiries, some were personal notes from you expressing how much like reading the blog. Some of you wrote to me about your own experiences with cancer and family issues. Some of you reached out to welcome me to California and invited me for coffee to or to attend an event with you.

And I never responded to anyone. Oh, dear…

I have been working my way through so many of these emails since last night. I want to apologize to everyone who contacted me and did not get a response. I promise you will now! Some of you have said you thought I was too busy. I can assure you that I always find time to respond to any emails whether or not they are business related.

You can use the same email address which is info@chalkfarmhome.com. The problem has been fixed.

I hope you accept my apology. I was so touched by all of your notes and I am so glad you are enjoying the blogs and the merchandise that’s started showing up in the online store. Thank you for your continued support.

Love,

Jennifer

Who doesn’t adore vintage grain sacks?

Jennifer — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 21:17:55 +0000

Who of us doesn’t love Vintage Grain Sacks? My heart starts racing whenever I see them, especially when I spot them in a booth piled high in different colors. European grain sacks have shown up everywhere from pillows to curtains in home decor lately. They range in different shades, from sun-bleached whites, warm greys and sandy colored hemp linen. Some of them have bands of blue or red, or initials. Rare grain sacks can even be found with text or designs printed on them. Farmers back in the day would individualize these designs so that they could identify their own sacks when they were transporting grain, flour or sugar. Some of the sacks were even further distinguished with a family’s monogram, the town they lived in and the year they were made. Some vendors have extensive collections that are very rare, like this pillow below from 3 Fine Grains.

Furniture becomes even more special when it’s upholstered in soft grain sacks.

Grain Sacks are a beautiful addition to a table. Use them as runners or napkins.

I always have Grain sack pillows in the house. Currently, I have some blue ones on my son’s bed, and red striped ones in our study on a linen sofa. This photograph is from Dreamy Whites.

I have a few grain sack pillows I’m selling this week from an incredible vendor I found here in Southern California. I only purchased four, but I promised her I’d be back to snatch up a few more once these sold. Her pillows are beautiful, with down inserts and a hidden zipper closure. You can find them in the textile section of the store. Here are a few photos.

Have a wonderful week!

Jennifer

MIMI’ lou items have arrived from Paris

Jennifer — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 01:30:06 +0000

Hi Everyone,

I’m so excited to tell you about a favorite line that I’m now carrying. Mimi’lou is a French designer brand created in 2005. Behind the brand is talented artist Miriam Derville who started turning her illustrations into wall decals. With the success of the wall art, the collection quickly expanded into home textiles and accessories. I first saw this chic and beautiful line at Bonton, the exquisite Parisian children’s shop and I’m now one of a few shop owners in the United States carrying it. I love the colors and detail of every single item. They are charming and have a sweet vintage feel to them, yet they are decidedly contemporary at the same time. I can picture these sweet images in a sweet French inspired nursery or a cool mid-century modern kids room bursting with colors. Inspired by the fanciful and quirky world of children, each design has a story to tell…. Take a peek in the BABY section of the online store. Merchandise is limited.

Have a great week!

Jennifer

Chalk Farm Home Online store is now live!

Jennifer — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:16:03 +0000

The Chalk Farm Home online store has arrived! Each day I’ll be adding new things: Beautiful antiques, vintage treasures, French reproduction furnishings, handmade textiles, garden items, sweet children’s clothing and toys, and the occasional sweet treat. Keep checking back for daily updates and let me know if there’s something you’d like me to find for you!

Here’s a tiny smattering of some of the new things available:

The gorgeous tufted Sophia bed from Eloquence.

A Gustavian inspired dresser.

The gorgeous Sara chandelier in various colors.

One of my favorite new things, these paper placemats from Cakepapers are great for teaching kids how to set the table, or use them instead of doilies to make your cheese platters look even more yummy.

So many Moms have discovered my line from Right Bank Babies, a lot of the items are gone. Get them now before Spring comes!

How adorable is this insulated lunch tote? Also available in other styles.

And last, how can you resist these One Hundred wishes tickets? What a sweet little gift for the kids or your true love.

Have a great week everyone! xo

Jennifer

Right Bank Babies….

Jennifer — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:45:48 +0000

Like most Mommies, I’m always looking for beautiful, adorable things for my little one to wear. When I started shopping for a few lines to carry, I did a lot of research. How could a company with the name Right Bank Babies, not catch my eye! Created by Los Angeles mommy Ellen Uzarowicz, Ellen started by making dresses for her own daughters. After constantly being stopped on the street and asked where she bought them, she launched her company which is run by a group of women in the LA area and of course, the Right Bank is a reference to Paris, where she met her husband while receiving her MBA. I’m in love with the colors and the unique patterns. Please note your size request on the order page in the “notes” section. I’m still trying to figure out my online store’s computer program!

Aren’t they just lovely?

Available in the BABY section in the Chalk Farm Home online store.

Have a wonderful week!

x Jennifer

Cancer is a lonely business…

Jennifer — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 08:36:55 +0000

It goes without saying that having cancer isn’t any fun. If you’re “lucky,” you get the kind of cancer where you get chemotherapy and radiation and then you get to be “done.”
You know, the kind of treatment where people get to pat you on the back and say “Hey! You made it! You did it! You got through it!”
And then, there’s stage 4 cancer.
Stage 4 cancer is the incurable kind. It’s the kind where they tell you you might not make it, but then if you do, it makes people confused.
“You’re still getting chemo? I thought you were done with that.”
The word remission is another word that is a contradiction. It technically means you’re all better, but really you’re not. Remission to a stage 4 patient often feels like a clock is tick tick ticking in your ear. Every day becomes something that should feel like gratitude, but often feels like nothing but a time bomb.
How long? How soon? When will it come back? Will it come back?
Being in remission is the kind of thing that should make you happy, but instead, it’s often the opposite. You’ve made it through the toughest part, and as they should, the people you know carry on…Business as usual. Even your family carries on, business as usual. My kids, like most, want to spend endless hours playing their video games, tweeting, and watching YouTube.
“Want to go to the beach? To lunch? To walk the dog?” “No, Mom.”
I guess to any other Mom this would feel normal, but in my case, it often turns into major anxiety. I raise my voice. I get agitated. I accuse everyone of being wrapped up in stupid electronics. They look at me like I’m crazy, so I head into the bedroom, shut the door, and cry. I resist the urge to shout at them. I want to tell them I may not be here soon. I want to say that it might be a good memory, to remember us walking the dog, or having lunch. I want bottle up the memories for them, because they are so oblivious to the fact that I may not be here in a year, or two, or three… But I don’t tell them that.
I run my house. I feed the cat. I do the laundry. I watch my baby Eliza as she tumbles in her gym class, as she laughs on the swings, as she pets puppies and watches Elmo. I try to enjoy these moments, but every minute I’m wondering, “Shouldn’t I be taking videos or pictures?” I wonder if she’ll remember how we watched Dumbo together. I think about her getting on the bus to kindergarten and wonder if someone will remember to fix her hair the way I like it. I wonder who will bake her cupcakes for her birthday and sing her lullabies at night.
My husband likes to joke that I am not an early riser, and that it’s super hard for me to wake up. What he doesn’t know is that I reluctantly come to bed each night, knowing that I will toss and turn for hours as little thoughts creep into my head about my children and how they will manage if I’m gone. I worry that my chemo isn’t working. I worry that my medications will cease being effective. I worry that I will join the ranks of the millions before me who have succumb. I google clinical trials in the middle of the night. I try to breathe. I try not to wake my husband with the soft hiccups that come from silent sobs. I drift off to sleep before the sun rises. And then I get up to start another day.
I get my tests. I get my scans. I get my shots. I take my pills. I become immune to the various nurses who take my blood pressure. I breathe deeply through the endless needle pricks. I look past the sick people in the chairs next to me. I wear nice clothes and do my hair. I look healthy. People call me heroine, survivor, miracle.
There never seems to be a moment to come up for air. Surviving is a daily business, so there’s no let-up. It feels like endlessly swimming upstream. The emotional drain can be exhausting. Yet, there is so much to be grateful for, so much to laugh about, and so much life to live. And don’t get me wrong; I do live. But it does feel a bit like treading water every day, bobbing in a constant sea of uncertainty. You get on with it quietly, hoping no one pays you too much attention. Yet sometimes, there’s that wistful ache, when you want to gently remind the ones you love not to ever forget.

How about a new kitchen?

Jennifer — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:36:30 +0000

5 months into our new life here in California, my husband and I both had a laugh when one evening over a glass of wine, we each reluctantly shared that we’re both feeling slightly disappointed with the location of our new house. Between all of Ian’s travel and my auditions and appointments, spending more time in the car than we are at our home was not what we envisioned. And although our neighborhood and home are beautiful, we city-folk are longing for a little more LA buzz. After breathing a mutual sigh of relief, we did what any crazy couple like us would do: we put the house on the market this week!

We’ve been looking in several different areas of LA and we have seen some lovely homes as well as some serious disasters. One house in particular has a very nice kitchen with brand new appliances. The cabinetry is dark though, and would I love to get my hands on it! I’ve been lying awake at night, dreaming about it. The broker overheard me talking “white” to my husband. She told me it would be a “crime” to change the cabinets. “People in California prefer dark wood!” Really? Well, um…okay. Not for me. Here’s the kitchen:

Now, I know some of you might like these cabinets. They actually are very nice. However, my heart flutters when I see kitchens that look like this:

It would be great to take out the big island and the kitchen table in the brown kitchen and make a huge island like this:

Nothing says California to me like an open, airy kitchen with clean white cabinetry and lots of sunlight flooding the room. It just makes me feel happy. And you can bet, that the dark cabinets in the top photos will look just like the rest of them by the time I’m finished. And hey, maybe we’ll even stay awhile this time. We don’t ever keep things simple around here, but we do have a lot of fun! Have a great week! xoxo Jennifer

And to all a goodnight….

Jennifer — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 04:56:23 +0000

What a year! The horrible winter, the big move, adjusting to life in a new place. We’ve finally settled in. The house is coming together. The stockings were hung, the tree was trimmed, the gifts were opened, the feast was divine. Time to relax until the New Year. I want to thank each and every one of you who have joined the blog. It’s been only 9 months, but I have over 1700 followers. I hope my stories continue to inspire you, make you laugh and touch your hearts. 2012 is sure to bring some exciting things. Many of you have been asking if I’m going to set up a retail store in LA. Well, the answer to that, (I answer wistfully) is no…I still have a toddler at home. I just couldn’t devote the time to a store right now. That being said, I will be launching the online store VERY soon, which I’m really excited about!

And January is right around the corner, so I’d better get busy.

I have loved all of your comments and all of your support, it has meant so much to me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to launch Chalk Farm Home “the blog”, but you’ve all embraced my life, my style and my thoughts and you’ve been a huge part of my year! So thank you from the bottom of my heart. And an extra special thanks to my incredible husband Ian for the new professional Nikon camera to make my photos even more beautiful. I’m a lucky girl. See you in 2012.

Love,

Jennifer

xoxo

Christmas time at the Agoura Antique Mart….

Jennifer — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:00:14 +0000

If you saw my latest post about my dining room, you’ll know that I have made lots of purchases from the Agoura Antique Mart. I found it on my first day visiting the area and it’s become one of my favorite places to drop by, sometimes a few times a week! The owner, Maria, is a lovely lady who always has time for a chat and a smile. The mart is 9,000 square ft. with over 40 different dealers. It’s a favorite by many locals as well as designers like Brooke Giannetti of Velvet & Linen, and Rachel Ashwell, who just listed Agoura Antique Mart as one of her favorite resources in her new book. Last week, they had their annual holiday open house and the displays were beautiful and the food was yummy. Be sure to stop by for a visit during the holidays!

Have a wonderful week! xoxo Jennifer