Challies Dot Com

Sexual Detox: The E-Book

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:22:00 -0500

Last week's series on Sexual Detox was quite an experience for me. I figured it would garner a little bit of interest simply because it dealt with an universal issue (sex) and because it included several important peripheral issues (pornography, addiction, and so on). But even then the response surprised me, both in terms of the number of visitors who showed up to read the articles and the outpouring of comments and emails in response to it. All of this showed me that I had tapped into an important issue.

Quite a few people wrote me to ask if I would be able to put the series together into a booklet or e-book. I am hard at work preparing a booklet form of it. I'll be using a self-publishing printer to prepare it in paperback format and those will soon be available at Amazon for anyone who would wish to have a hard copy. What I've done in the meantime is create two different versions of the e-book, one for single guys and another for married guys. There are differences between them with each targeted at its specific audience.

Today I am glad to announce that the e-book of Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Single Guy is ready to go. I added to it a whole new chapter dealing with masturbation and also added study questions for those who are interested in working a bit on application. This version is geared specifically to young men and, even more specifically, to young single men. The version for married men will be ready to go in the near future. Also, Aileen and I are combining a little bit of this material with new things she has written into a guide for women that is based largely on emails she and I received from women who had read the Detox series. This should also be available soon.

But for now, here is Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Single Guy. You are free to download the e-book and to pass it along however you see fit in either printed or electronic formats.

UPDATE

Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Married Guy is also now available. Click here to download it.

Premium Sponsor:

Free Stuff Fridays (With 50 Prizes!)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:22:00 -0500

This week Ligonier Ministries is offering 50 (count 'em 50!) prizes. Each of the 50 (!) winners will be given a year-long subscription to Tabletalk Magazine (or a subscription for a friend, neighbor, hairdresser, family member, etc if the winner happens to already be a subscriber).

Tabletalk is a tool that helps you grow in your knowledge of God and in your love for His Son and His people. Each month is packed with more than 60 pages of focused, practical Bible study and insightful commentary by today's top Christian thinkers. Over the years, Tabletalk has been recognized for its excellence through several awards. Today, people all over the world read Tabletalk on a daily basis. The magazine is regularly found in seminary libraries and churches throughout the country. Many credit Tabletalk with helping them maintain a solid life of study and prayer.

Click here If you would like to view a sample issue.

Please note that it will take 6-8 weeks for your first issue to arrive.

Rules: You may only enter the draw once. Simply fill out your name and email address to enter the draw. As soon as the winners have been chosen, all names and addresses will be immediately and permanently erased. Winners will be notified by email. The giveaway closes Saturday at noon.

Enter here:

Loading...

Premium Sponsor:

A La Carte (6/11)

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:58:00 -0500
Six Flags over Jesus
Jared Wilson writes about the new $130,000,000 building program at First Baptist Dallas. "Nobody should fault FBC Dallas or anybody else for building a building. But this isn't a building. This, and a bunch of other stuff, is Bible Belt Disneyland. This is evangelicalism with more cowbell. This is Field of Dreams attractional church. And it stinks to high heaven."
Inmates Save Guard
Here's a bit of a feel-good story from behind bars. "Hillsborough County, Florida, Deputy Kenneth Moon was alone at his station at a county jail facility near Tampa when an inmate attacked him with no warning. Moon, 64, was no match for Douglas Burden, 24, in custody on various drug charges. With Moon still in his chair, Burden put him in a choke hold and pulled tight."
Carsonisms
A reader directed me to this list of his favorite "Carsonisms" (i.e. phrases written or uttered by D.A. Carson).
Compassion Bloggers
Compassion International is taking a handful of bloggers on a journey to see what they are doing in El Salvador (similar to how they took me to Dominican Republic a year ago. Was it really that long ago?). This time Molly Piper is going along for the journey. Be sure to check the link to find out more about the trip and to read along.

Premium Sponsor:

Reading Classics Together - A Reminder

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:40:00 -0500

A couple of weeks ago I announced that the next book we would read together as part of the Reading Classics Together program would be Redemption Accomplished and Applied by John Murray. We will begin reading that book on November 12, exactly one week from today. Actually, we will begin discussing the book on that date, so it would be best to start reading it before then. This is a final invitation to participate in the program and, for those who have already indicated interest, a final reminder that you'll want to finish reading the first chapter in the next week.

This Reading Classics Together program exists to give us all a good excuse to read some of the classics of the faith. And this new book is, indeed, a classic, In Redemption Accomplished and Applied Murray explores the biblical passages dealing with the necessity, nature, perfection, and extent of the atonement, and goes on to identify the distinct steps in the Bible's presentation of how the redemption accomplished by Christ is applied progressively to the life of the redeemed. It is, then, an overview of the biblical account of salvation as understood by Reformed Christians. Monergism Books says it is "One of the best, most concise, theologically sound and helpful expositions of the atonement ever produced. John Murray's Redemption Accomplished and Applied should be required reading for every Christian. At just under 200 pages, Murray offers page after page of devotional and scholarly study that is nearly unparalleled in its clarity, usefulness and theological depth. Read this book, re-read this book and keep it close at hand."

There is still time for you to order a copy of the book and read the first chapter before next Thursday.

If you are interested, you can purchase the book at:

Amazon | Westminster Books | Monergism Books

Check in one week from today and we will begin to discuss it together. I can't wait!

Premium Sponsor:

A La Carte (11/5)

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 07:59:00 -0500
Multiple Perspectives on Multi-Site Churches
A panel at Southern Seminary discussed this topic. The participants are R. Albert Mohler Jr., Gregg Allison, Kevin Ezell, Greg Gilbert, and Daniel Montgomery.
The Day I Went to Church
I enjoyed this article simply for the perspective it offers on a person's first strange and perhaps terrifying attempt at going to church. It is good to remember how foreign church is to people who are not accustomed to it.
Stand By Me
This is a cool little video. The producers went around the world and recorded the song as performed by an international contingent of people.
Guardian Angels
Randy Alcorn addresses this question: Do you believe in guardian angels? He answers in the affirmative.
The Case for Modesty
This article in TIME has a few good things to say about modesty and humility. "Virtues, like viruses, have their seasons of contagion. When catastrophe strikes, generosity spikes like a fever. Courage spreads in the face of tyranny. But some virtues go dormant for generations, as we've seen with thrift, making its comeback after 40 years in cold storage. I'm hoping for a sudden outbreak of modesty, a virtue whose time has surely come.

Premium Sponsor:

To Love Him Is To Know Him

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 08:33:00 -0500

How many times have you heard a person claim that he has "accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior?" Have you ever asked him what it means that Jesus is his Lord? Have you ever asked him how Jesus is his Savior? What makes him his Savior? And what does it mean that he is his personal Lord and Savior?

How many times have you heard a person open a prayer with the words "Dear God?" What do those words really mean? Why do we begin our prayers with an address? Is this necessary or merely customary?

How many times have you heard a person thank God that Jesus is present, for "where two are more are gathered together, Jesus is there?" Have you ever asked him why Jesus is only there where two or more are gathered? Have you ever asked if he is present in a more special way when people are gathered versus when they are alone?

The fact is, there are many times when we flippantly speak of God and his attributes without knowing or perhaps even caring to understand what we are saying. We repeat things we have heard, but have never thought about. But what is incredible to me is that we don't need to understand all of these things to be God's children. We do not need to devote ourselves to endless studies in theology and doctrine in order to be saved. God sees and knows and values the heart more than the mind. Yet if we want to grow deeper in our love for God, we need to begin to understand these things. We need to grow deeper in our knowledge of him.

On that day that I got married, I loved my wife deeply. On our wedding day, as I looked at her walking down the aisle towards me, I never would have believed that I could love her more than I did at that very moment. I had known her for four years and had spent thousands of hours just being with her, listening to her talk and watching her interact with other people. And now she was walking towards me, looking absolutely radiant, and intending to pledge her life to me. I began to sob like a child and felt my heart would nearly burst with the love I felt for her. But you know what? More than a decade into that marriage I can honestly say I love her far more now than I did when we got married. Why is that? It is simply that I know her so much better now. The more I learn about her, the more I know her. The more I know her, the more I love her.

I use that illustration to show that you can really only love God inasmuch as you know him. When you are an unbeliever and do not know God you cannot love him at all. When some day you die and go to be with him, you will know him in a perfect way, and will accordingly love him in a perfect way. The time between when you come to love him and you are called to be with him is your opportunity to experience that love and get just a foretaste of heaven here on earth.

I love God more now than I did when I first believed. As a child I loved God with a childlike love, but I barely knew him. I can think back to distinct moments as I grew older when God taught me something new and amazing about himself. I can remember moments where something hit me like a lightning bolt and I was awakened to a new reality about God that I had not known before. There were times when my whole body broke into chills as I grew in my knowledge of my Creator. There were other times when I broke into tears as I began to realize the necessity of Christ's sacrifice for me or the vast depths of his love for me, the sinner. As I learned about my God I learned to love him more. As I learned about my God I had to love him more!

You can be a true believer and know almost nothing about God. The man who hung on the cross beside Christ new little more than that Christ was the Son of God and that God had forgiven his sins. And that was enough. But if you want to love God more you need to know him more. I know that I'm a mere preschooler when it comes to knowing God. I look at others and see some who are in primary school, some who are in high school and some who must be about ready to finish up their post-graduate studies. And how I yearn to know him that much, knowing that the love I feel for him now, as great as it may be, is nothing more than a child's love! I long to love him, and therefore long to know him. And I look forward to the day when I will know him even as I am known by him, that I may love him with the perfect love with which he loves me.

Premium Sponsor:

A La Carte (11/5)

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:55:00 -0500
The Prosperity Gospel in Africa
This may make you feel sick.
Ask John Piper Live
Today from 8 to 11 CT, you can tweet your questions to John Piper. He will be answering them live. See the link for details.
Apple's Magic Mouse
Here's a good review of Apple's new mouse for anyone who is thinking of making the change. "I have yet to decide whether the Magic Mouse is much of an improvement over its predecessor. The multitouch capability and lack of a scroll ball to gum up are definite upgrades, but the loss of Exposé and Dashboard support about balance that out for me."
Gore's Dual Role
When it comes to something like global warming, it's always wise to "follow the money." When you follow the money you find that a whole lot of it is leading right back to Al Gore. It's almost like the prosperity gospel...

Premium Sponsor:

Unleashing the Word

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:25:00 -0500

When was the last time you read a book about reading? Maybe you have read Adler's How to Read a Book or another like it. When was the last time you read a book about reading Scripture? Maybe you have read a book about how to do better personal devotions and have found there some ideas about reading Scripture in a more effective way. But when was the last time you read a book about the public reading of Scripture in the worship service? It's a pretty safe bet that you never have read such a book; only a very few exist. I was excited, then, to see Max McLean's Unleashing the Word: Rediscovering the Public Reading of Scripture. "I want to help you learn to present the Bible in such a way that your audience can engage the Word with their heart, mind, and soul as they hear it being read aloud," he says in his introduction. "The goal is ultimately transformation--their lives will be touched and changed, just as the original hearers were."

If I had read this book a few years ago, it would have rocked my world, I think. It is only since I began attending Grace Fellowship Church that I've come to see the value of the public reading of Scripture not as a simple means to an end--a way to get us from the music to the sermon--but as an end in itself. In this church I've come to see the reading of Scripture as a core part of the teaching ministry of the church. The Word preaches; the Word is the sermon before the sermon. And if this is true, then we ought to invest effort in reading it well. This can only be the case where the reading of Scripture is given prominence within the worship service and where the person reading is talented and passionate about what he is doing. And this is what I have seen with consistency at my church. So I have seen modeled what McLean is so passionate about and can attest to the great value in treating the reading of Scripture in this way.

McLean teaches what he does under several headings. He first shares a bit of biographical information, telling how he came to know the Lord and, from there, how he came to love to read Scripture. He has, after all, begun a Scripture-reading ministry within his church; he has recorded the whole Bible several times; he has done one-man dramatic presentations of some of the books of the Bible; he continues to do a daily radio show that is nothing but the reading of Scripture. The Bible--the simple reading of the Bible--has been the core of his whole ministry.

Having shared his story, McLean offers very practical guidance on how to begin a Bible-reading ministry within the local church. This is what he wants to see: talented individuals who make it their ministry in the church to participate in the worship service by reading Scripture. His tips range from how stand before a crowd and deliver an effective reading of Scripture to how to prepare a passage to how to breath when nervous to everything in between. He then provides some teaching on how to teach others to participate in this ministry before concluding with some more practical guidance on preparation, delivery and so on. It is in all ways a practical book. I love his vision here and would rejoice to see churches adopting it.

I was not without a couple of concerns when reading the book. The foremost has to do with gender roles within the church. McLean is clear that he considers the reading of Scripture part of the church's core teaching ministry. At the same time, he considers this a task that can be performed equally by men and women. In fact, most of the examples he offers in the book are of women who participate in this ministry. It seems to me, though, that if this is a teaching ministry within the context of the worship service at a local church, then it would be most consistent with Scripture to have men being the ones who teach through reading. Without knowing McLean's views on women in ministry, I do wonder if we can have this both ways. This is an issue individual churches would want to ponder before beginning such a ministry.

So much for concerns. Unleashing the Word is narrowly-focused and that is one of its strengths. The book is almost wholly concerned with reading Scripture in worship services. Yes, McLean does dedicate a bit of attention to other contexts (such as public marathon readings of the Bible) but really, his concern is to have Christians rediscover the public reading of Scripture in the worship service and to see it as a core part of the ministry of the local church. And in this I could not agree with him more. I would love to see Christians reading this book and allowing McLean to help them rediscover a most important practice. Buy this one and read it yourself. Then pass it to your pastor and ask him to read it too.

Premium Sponsor:

Introducing 10MillionWords

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:44:00 -0500

Seven years into blogging and six years into daily blogging, I've decided to try something, well, completely different. Today I want to introduce to you a new blog I've begun. It is called 10MillionWords.

First, though, let me say that, as far as I see it, not much is going to change here at challies.com. I intend to continue to blog daily in much the same way I have been doing for all these years. I love what I do here and don't intend to change things up anytime soon. This blog is still my priority when it comes to writing and, I hope, will always be so.

Having said all of that, let me tell you about my new project.

A few months ago I found a site that provides archived lists of all the New York Times bestselling books from 1950 to the present. I began browsing through the list and was struck by the great diversity in the books that make their way onto the list. They really do run the gamut, touching on every genre, covering the spectrum from left to right, from Christian to atheist, from one extreme to the other. I found myself wishing that I had been able to read more of these books over the years. What a well-rounded, interesting view of culture and worldview they would give me. To read these books from any given period, whether the 50's or 60's or today would be to learn something about the culture. It would be a snapshot of the people, of what they are thinking about, of what they are learning, of whom they are learning it from.

From there I began to wonder if it would be possible to read all of the bestsellers over the course of a period of time. I began to run through the archives, trying to figure out how the list works, how many books are added, how long they remain there, and so on. When I had done the quantifying and qualifying I realized that I could probably read all of the bestsellers for a year and do so without completely neglecting all of my other responsibilities in life. When I did the math I found that all of the words in all of those books would probably come in at somewhere around 10 Million Words.

You can see where this is going. In 2010 I intend to read all of the New York Times bestsellers. I will qualify this by saying that I'll be reading all of the hardcover, non-fiction bestsellers. Fiction has little appeal to me and does not offer as valuable a snapshot of the culture as does non-fiction; the softcovers have generally already been released as hardcovers. So it made sense for me to focus on just that one list. There are fifteen books on the list and it is updated once weekly. On average there are three or four books added each week. Some weeks there are as few as one new one added or as many as seven. In any case, I am going to attempt to read them all. My intention in all of this is to find in those books lessons on culture and worldview.

Through the rest of 2009 I will be reading as many of the bestsellers as I can and trying to "find my voice." I will be trying to find the best way to seek out and communicate the lessons about worldview and culture that will be the heart of this project. I may also try to focus some attention on books dealing with reading better, reading faster, increasing retention, and so on.

So I am going to encourage you to visit the new site, 10MillionWords.com. There are already quite a few reviews over there of some books you may enjoy. The site is hosted at Gospel Coalition. I mentioned the site to them and, for various reasons, we felt it would be a good idea to "park" the site for the year. You may like to subscribe via RSS or subscribe via email. You might also like to follow 10MillionWords via Twitter or join the Facebook group. At the very least, visit the site, bookmark it, and drop by a few times. I think (and hope!) you will find it an interesting and valuable stop on your online travels in the months to come.

Premium Sponsor:

A La Carte (11/2)

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:56:00 -0500
Logos 4
The best gets better with the release of Logos 4 which adds all kinds of great new features. Check out the link for a video introduction.
DG Free
This month's free audio book from Christian Audio is just a minor book from a little-known pastor: Desiring God by John Piper.
US Navy Ceremonial Guard
This is impressive by any measure.
Scenes from the Life of Christ
This week, for a donation of any amount, Ligonier Ministries will send you a copy of their new CD Scenes from the Life of Christ. "This recording of original chamber orchestra pieces is a survey of musical landscapes through selected biblical accounts."

Premium Sponsor:

6 Years

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:08:00 -0500

It was November 1, 2003 when I decided I'd commit to blogging every day for a full year. I was getting lazy with blogging and had given it little effort in the weeks leading up to that day. I figured I should either commit to doing it on a very regular basis or give it up altogether. A year later I had managed to blog every day and thought it would be good to renew the commitment. I've done that every year and here we are, six years later. I suppose the 2193 days in the counter down at the bottom of the site must reflect those six years plus the couple of leap years that have gone by in the meantime.

Though this site dates back to September of 2002, I pretty much think of November 1, 2003 as the day it really began. It was the day that I really fell in love with writing and the day I realized that blogging would be the primary way I'd express myself in writing. I continue to blog daily simply because it is my way of carrying on the commitment. I have always thought that if I start taking the occasional day off, I'll soon taking off far more than the occasional day. On those days when I'm feeling dry and tired and beat up, it is only my commitment to blog on a daily basis that motivates me to sit down and write. It has been an amazing discipline in this way. I've stuck with blogging much longer and with much greater commitment than any previous hobby. And I don't intend to give it up anytime soon.

It seems appropriate today to thank you, the readers, who continue to visit the site. I am exceedingly grateful, humbled and surprised that you continue to do so. Some of you have been dropping by since before November 1, 2003 and I'm glad to count many of you as friends. I've been honored to meet so many of you at churches and conferences and all sorts of other places.

Today seemed like a good time to mention that, as of tomorrow, I will be launching a second blog. I expect that things here at Challies.com will remain pretty much the same. But as of tomorrow I will launch a new site in a new location based around a whole new idea. It will not be a daily site, like this one, but may turn out to be near-daily. Check in tomorrow and I'll give you about 10 million reasons that you might want to check out that site as well.

Until then, enjoy the rest of your Lord's Day!

Premium Sponsor:

Sexual Detox: Recommended Resources

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 07:23:00 -0500

Having wrapped up the Sexual Detox series, I thought it would be useful to provide a list of recommended resources for those who wish to do reading on a particular topic.

Pretty much every author who has written more than, say, ten books has written one on the Lord's Prayer and one on either sex or marriage (or perhaps both). It seems to be some kind of rite of passage. I assume I'll get a memo about it after I've written a few more books. So if you have a favorite author, you may want to check if he or she has written on the topic. Meanwhile, here are some other suggestions. I am relying mostly on books I have read, so the list is somewhat smaller than it would otherwise be.

First off, let me give special mention to the series of mini books published by New Growth Press on behalf of CCEF. Many of their titles are very relevant to this series. For example: It's All About Me: The Problem with Masturbation, Sex Before Marriage: How Far is Too Far?, Single and Lonely: Finding the Intimacy You Desire, Help! My Spouse Committed Adultery: First Steps for Dealing with Betrayal, or Renewing Marital Intimacy: Closing the Gap Between You and Your Spouse. You can learn more about the series from New Growth Press. They are all available through Amazon.

Sex
Undefiled - Harry Schaumburg writes about finding redemption from sexual sin and seeks to help couples find restoration for breaking or broken relationships.
False Intimacy - Also by Harry Schaumburg, this book looks to the struggle of sexual addiction, including homosexuality, cybersex and so on.
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ - This book, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor, is the product of a Desiring God conference so is a compendium of conference talks and other useful essays or articles. It is a bit of a grab bag but there is lots of good stuff.
Intended for Pleasure - This is a nuts and bolts kind of book that is often given to newlyweds to help them get "oriented" in the bedroom. Most couples who aren't given one before they get married end up trying to track one down during their honeymoon.
Sexual Redemption Bundle - Monergism Books has bundled a whole lot of resources into one "sexual redemption bundle" based around Harry Schaumburg's Undefiled.

Marriage
This Momentary Marriage - John Piper puts a lot of effort into writing about the link between the union of husband and wife and the union of Christ to his church.
When Sinners Say 'I Do' - Dave Harvey's book is a really good one for the newly married as it deals honestly with the inevitability of sin.
The Intimate Marriage - R.C. Sproul focuses on communication as key to a great marriage. His chapter on Communication and Sex deals with unusual topics like frigidity, impotence and what is permissible within marriage.
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis has only a couple of chapters dealing with sex and marriage but they are top-notch. You've probably got the book somewhere, so pull it out and read those chapters.
A Biblical Guide to Love, Sex and Marriage - Derek and Rosemary Thomas wrote this book on sex and marriage based on Song of Solomon.
Love that Lasts - Gary and Betsy Ricucci cover a wide range of marriage-related topics in this book, one of the better ones I've read on marriage.

Men
Sex Is Not the Problem, Lust Is - This book, by Josh Harris, is great reading for any man, married or single. I've read it on my own and read it as part of a men's group. In both cases it was well worth it.
Sex, Romance and the Glory of God - C.J. Mahaney does a good job of challenging men to be godly husbands. The enduring wisdom here is never to touch your wife's body until you've touched her heart and her mind.

Women
Feminine Appeal - Carolyn Mahaney writes a book for women in which she challenges them on a host of issues related to love, sex and marriage.
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams - I haven't done more than skimmed this one, but this one by Sharon Jaynes comes highly recommended by Aileen. I found Jaynes particularly strong in her description of how men perceive sex and its importance to them.

Web Sites
CCEF - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation offers counseling and excellent resources on any number of issues (including the New Growth Press titles mentioned earlier).
Boundless - Targeted at Christian singles and young adults, Boundless features all kinds of great resources in their blog and webzine.
Stone Gate Resources - At Stone Gate Resources offers Brief Intensive Counseling for couples who are in need of intensive and immediate help. If your marriage is on the rocks due to sex-related issues, this is a good place to seek help.

Premium Sponsor:

Sexual Detox V: Freedom

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:45:00 -0500

This is the final entry in a series of articles about sex and, in particular, about sexual detoxification. First I wrote about Pornifying the Marriage Bed, then about Breaking Free and A Theology of Sex. The fourth article dealt with Detoxification. The series was written specifically to target young men--those who are newly married or nearly married or who will, like most of us, be married at some time. I chose this narrow focus because this was the kind of person who triggered the series in my mind and because I felt a narrow focus would be more valuable in the end. That means that, though there were some principles in the series that might benefit any reader, there was a lot that I could not say. For example, I had little to say to singles or to the wives whose husbands may be sinning against them.

One immediate effect of the series is that I can see that a lot of Christian men are just awful leaders in their homes. Their wives truly want husbands who will lead them and yet the men have either abdicated leadership or have abused it by leading their wives into sin. Many of the problems exposed through the Sexual Detox series go back to nonexistent or poor or just plain horrible leadership. Therefore I hope to address leadership in a series targeted to husbands (and future husbands) which will address the necessity of being strong, godly leaders.

I will also try to speak to singles in at least one article. Or perhaps I'll find someone who would be able to do that. In either case, I received a lot of questions about sex and the single.

Finally, as emails came in, I asked Aileen to help me reply to many of the ones that came from women (both for sake of propriety and to benefit from her wisdom). She and I are preparing an article or two that will focus on women, responding to many of the questions and concerns that arose.

For now, I want to offer a final word--a final challenge and encouragement--to the young men who were the target of this series.

My Path
I know your struggles because not too many years ago they were my struggles. It was not long ago that I was a young man, fighting (and sometimes not fighting) against lust and pornography and all the rest. There was a time when it wooed me and drew me and sought to captivate me. And yet today I can say that pornography does not interest me in the least. God delivered me from the desire to indulge. I can understand your struggles and also assure you that it is possible to find freedom.

There were a handful of Scripture passages that were foundational to my understanding of sex when I was young and considering marriage and when I was young and newly married. They were instrumental in my determination not to succumb to the allure of pornography.

The first of these is one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible. Proverbs 5:18-19 says, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love." I love the sweetness of this passage. It calls a man to always find joy and satisfaction and intimacy in the wife God has given him. It calls him to recall the delight he had in the days when he and his bride were newly married and to live out of that delight. He has no right to go elsewhere, no right to "drink from another cistern," to use Solomon's terminology. And why would he ever want to? The verse both celebrates the gift of sex and the exclusivity of it.

If you are married, God has provided for you the wife of your youth. You are to be intoxicated in her love and not with the body or the heart of another woman or endless series of women. If you are not yet married, then God may well have that woman for you. Every time you look at pornography, every time you give in to lust, you are diminishing your ability to be intoxicated in her love, to find your joy and satisfaction in her.

Just a few verses later in that same passage come these sobering words. "For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray." Men who refuse to be intoxicated in the love of their wives, men who find delight in the bodies (or images of the bodies) of other women, are committing acts of great folly. This is not foolishness that is akin to silliness, but folly that puts a man in mortal danger. It is a moral foolishness that leads to spiritual death. Their foolishness, their lack of discipline, their lack of concern for their sin, leads them to the paths of death. There are consequences to your sin. When you sin before marriage you bring into marriage all kinds of baggage--all kinds of sexual history that impacts you and your relationship to your wife.

You may be eighteen or twenty and thinking that the occasional look at pornography right now, images to fuel your masturbation, will have no consequences. You are wrong. Even now as you do those things you are sinning against God and against your wife or future wife. You are piling up sin that will make it more difficult for you to be an effective leader and an effective lover. You are thumbing your nose at God's grace.

Another verse, and a bit of a strange one, I know, is Genesis 26:8. This is the story of Isaac and Abimelech. You remember that Isaac, like his father before him, traveled through a strange land and feared for his life. As a coward he denied his wife rather than risk his life. But then Abimelech looked out of a window and "saw Isaac laughing with Rebekah his wife." That word laughing is obviously a difficult one to translate and versions of the Bible render it quite differently. When I was young I read a commentary that said, rightly, that it could be translated as sporting. Abimelech looked out of his window and saw Isaac and Rebekah doing something that made him realize that they were clearly not brother and sister; yet he also knew Isaac's character well enough not to accuse him of anything immoral. Isaac and Rebekah were sporting, they were playing, flirting, undoubtedly just enjoying young love (though perhaps in an inappropriate setting). Somehow that captured a kind of freedom and innocence that I wanted to have with my wife. A freedom and openness that I knew we could not have if we were sinning sexually against one another.

The third verse was 1 Peter 3:7 which commands, "Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." Here I realized that my relationship with my wife had huge spiritual importance. If I am not showing honor to my wife, my own prayers (not hers!) will be hindered. As the leader of my home I need to keep growing spiritually and in order to do this I need to be faithful in prayer. I can only do this, I learned, if I treat my wife as she deserves to be treated. Were I to give in to lust and porn and all other kind of sexual sin, I would be devastating my family. I would not be the only one to suffer. How could I bring that kind of pain and devastation upon the people I love most?

The final passage was 1 Timothy 5:1,2 which reads "Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity." I saw here the connection between the women of pornography and God's command that I treat all young women as sisters. How could I do that if I was leering at them on the screen? And how could I leer at anonymous young women on the screen and then assume that I'd be able to then turn off that lust and treat other young women in my life as sisters? Giving in to lust in one area would impact every area. God commanded me to see young women not as sexual objects but as sisters. I had to treat them in all purity, in my heart, in my mind, in my life.

These verses, though they may be a bit of an eclectic collection, challenged me deeply and reset my mind. I memorized them, pondered them, called them to mind and lived by them. And any desire to pursue lust melted away. I know it was a work of God because he worked through his Word, just as he says he will. In its place he gave me a great (and still-growing) love for her and increased joy and satisfaction in my relationship for her. I would not want it any other way.

Conclusion
My encouragement to you is to find a biblical basis for purity, a biblical basis for avoiding pornography. Some men can turn away from pornography by an act of the will. Some can do it by constructing walls of legalism and forcing themselves to live within those boundaries. But it is best, I'm convinced, to find freedom through the Word of God. We need to fight sin with God's truth; we need to replace the lies we want to believe with what God says is true. Perhaps some of the verses that God used in my life will help you; perhaps he will help you find others. But in any case, go the Bible and find there both the foundation for purity and the wisdom that can help you moment-by-moment.

The saddest emails I have received in the past few days came from women who are older than you are and perhaps even old enough to be your mother. They told tales of utter devastation--of husbands who got into pornography when they were young and who never cared to give it up. And here they are, all these years later, still damaging themselves and their wives and families. The choices they made as young men threaten to tear apart their families today. The women, the one God calls these men to be intoxicated in for all of their lives, live with gaping holes in their hearts, longing for their husbands to step in and fill them up. Could this be your wife some day?

The fact is, God does not give young men free passes when it comes to sin; he does not allow you to run wild for a time and just "get away with it." Sin carries with it consequences whether you sin at eighteen or eighty. Turn from your sin today. Pursue freedom. Pursue Christ.

This wraps up the Sexual Detox series. Tomorrow I am going to provide a list of recommended resources for reading, counseling and so on. I will also be putting all of these articles together in a booklet. Stay tuned and I'll let you know when that is ready to go.

Premium Sponsor:

A La Carte (10/30)

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:54:00 -0500
William Wallace Was a Monster
It took fifteen years, but Mel Gibson has finally admitted that his portrayal of William Wallace in Braveheart was pretty much a complete rewriting of history. But even now he still gets Wallace wrong.
T4G Earlybird
Tomorrow is the last day to qualify for the early registration rates for T4G. As of Sunday the price goes up substantially!
Persecution in England
This video is interesting. It tells of a Christian couple who are facing criminal charges after debating faith with a Muslim.
Halloween Worries
Melinda, blogging at Stand to Reason, raises some good points about Halloween. "Christians can be shocked that another Christian will go trick or treating, but not blink an eye of awareness or concern when another Christian distorts the doctrine of the Trinity."

Premium Sponsor:

Sexual Detox IV: Detoxification

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:56:00 -0500

This is now the fourth entry in a series of articles about sex and, in particular, about sexual detoxification--about replacing lies with truth. First I wrote about Pornifying the Marriage Bed, then about Breaking Free and finally about A Theology of Sex. Today the series continues with Detoxification.

The purpose of this series of articles is to lead young men through a kind of sexual detox. The messages about sex taught in society and especially in pornography have left a whole generation of men with false views of the meaning, purpose and act of sex. In the last article we attempted to piece together a bit of a theology of sex, showing why God gave us sex, why he gave us sexual desire and why he gave sexual desire in unequal measure to men and women. Now that we have seen what sex is, let's see what sex is not and then begin to show you can love your spouse through the act of sex. Now that we understand the meaning and purpose of sex, we are left asking, how does a husband express his love for his wife in the bedroom? This is where we will get to what I know you probably really want or need to know--what should I do and what should I not do in bed?

First, though, let's pause briefly to look at the negative side of sex to see what sex is not.

Sex Is Not...
Sex is not ultimate. You might not know this from society and certainly not from pornography, but sex is not the ultimate thing. Sex is a good and great gift of God, but it is not an ultimate thing. Within marriage and without there is a tendency to make sex into more than it is, to allow it to be a kind of idol. Our idols are always good things to which we give too much importance. Sex is just that kind of good thing that can be made into too big a thing. A good gift of God can begin to supersede the God who gave it. Few things in life lend themselves to idolatry with greater frequency, with greater power, than sex.

Sex is not to be trifled with. Sex is too powerful to be trifled with. It is near-impossible for a person to trifle with sex and not get drawn into it in a more complete way. It is just too powerful, too captivating. A boyfriend and girlfriend who begin to have sex will very rarely be able to stop, even if they really do want to. A boy who begins masturbating will rarely be able to just quit. As you probably know, a person who begins looking at pornography will soon want to find more and more of it. Of course this is part of the design of sex--God means for it to be alluring and desirable and almost irresistible. But outside of its proper context it is captivating, leading to imprisonment to sin. So sex must not be trifled with. It must be avoided entirely outside of its proper context and then fully embraced within marriage. There is no room for anything more or anything less.

Sex is not primarily about you. Wives may well testify that they have a better understanding of this concept than do their husbands. Yet even then, sex is not ultimately about your spouse. Sex is about God. While a husband may be motivated by desire to pursue his wife and have sex with her, he should be motivated ultimately by an obedience to God's command that a husband and wife enjoy sex frequently. While a wife may be motivated by a desire to please her husband or to avoid a fight, her primary or ultimate motivation should be obedience to God. Even if you have no desire to have sex, have sex for your spouse's sake. Even if neither you nor your spouse have a desire to have sex, have sex for God's sake out of obedience to him.

The Problem With Focusing on Acts
I've been saying that pornography has given you wrong ideas about sex and you're wondering exactly what that means. So here is the big question: what is normal sex? How do normal people normally express normal sexuality? That is the kind of question you might be tempted to ask, but it is probably the wrong question. Normal is a moving target, one that may move from couple to couple, culture to culture, time to time. The better question is this: what is God's design for sex? This is the broad question that will lead us to an answer that may even include particular acts and exclude others. Yet I would not wish to get too hung up on particular sex acts as it might serve to distract more than it would help. And I hope that this question can take us back through the past three articles, constructing that theology of sexuality. If you have not yet read those articles, this would be a good time to pause and to do so.

The principle we as humans always want to ask is "how far can we go?" But the better, more biblical question when it comes to sex is "what pleases her?" Of course even this good question must be asked with an awareness that there are things that God expressly forbids and others that he expressly commands. There are firm boundaries. Sex is to be only and ever between a husband and wife. To introduce anyone else into the relationship, whether physically or only graphically as in through shared pornography, is a perversion of the one-to-one nature of sexuality. Sex is to be done in love, not in anger (which means that a man can rape his own wife if he violently forces himself upon her. What a violation of sex this is!) Sex, as with everything else in life, is to be done with self-control, not with a reckless lack of self-control.

Within these God-given boundaries, given for our good, there is tremendous freedom. It is a freedom to explore, to discover, to play, to say "yes" or "no" or "never again." But it is a freedom that may need to be sanctified, to be made holy, especially for those who have had their understanding of sex shaped by pornography. The things that supposedly arouse porn stars are very likely not the things that will arouse your wife or that will make her feel loved and treasured instead of demeaned in your lovemaking. Why? Because the things you have seen in pornography are things that are created to incite lust in those who are already hardened against what is good and pure. They are acts designed to arouse the hardened heart, not the tender heart (I italicize that because I want you to get it, to think about it.). Do you understand what I am saying here? Most of the stuff you see on the screen when watching pornography is not stuff you should ever try to do or to inflict upon your wife. Magazines and advice web sites (both Christian and non-) are full of questions about what constitutes normal sexual behavior. When I see the questions people are asking, it is not difficult to know which people have been looking at pornography. The questions they ask are essentially "Is it okay if my wife and I play out this pornographic act?"

Sex is tender. Do you see tenderness in pornography or do you see violence? Sex is sweet. Do you see sweetness in the pornography you watch or is it degrading? Sex is selfless and giving. But isn't pornography all about the getting and about the conquest? Is it not about having my needs met now? Sex has boundaries. But doesn't pornography suppose that anything I feel or anything I desire is acceptable simply because I desire it? Pornography scoffs at boundaries.

But Can't I...?
If I were to give you a list of do's and don'ts, this would be the place to do so. I could draw up a long checklist with checks in some boxes and x's in others. "Yes you can do that, yes you can do that, no you can't do that." In some ways I think it would be helpful but, at the same time, it would undoubtedly reflect my conscience, my strengths, my weaknesses. It would unavoidably be legalistic in some ways and licentious in others. What one couple finds blissfully enjoyable may be repulsive for another. One person's freedom is another person's captivity. That is one of the strange realities of the way God has made us--he has made us different and has even given us different consciences. So there is great freedom within marriage to explore, to try new things and to enjoy things that are mutually pleasurable.

Instead of that long but ultimately disappointing and useless checklist, let me offer the following guidelines and leave you to fill it in as you see fit. Here are some useful questions to ask.

What is your heart in this? Any act we take, whether in the bedroom or anywhere else, is motivated by the heart. So there is more value in asking, "what is in my heart that I want to do this?" than "is this particular act wrong?" Jesus taught his disciples that it is what comes from within, not external things, that defile a man (Mark 7). All evil things, whether adultery or covetousness or sexual immorality, come from within. So you need to have a tender heart and be willing to look into your heart to seek out your motives. Do only those things that are motivated by a love for your spouse. Avoid things that are motivated by any kind of sin.

Is this the act of a conquerer or of a servant? You know full well that many of the acts within pornography are acts of conquest, not acts of love and service. You know that in pornography the pleasure of the man is generally far greater and far more genuine than that of the woman. Do not subject your wife to acts that would make her feel like the mere means to an end, that would make her feel like she has been conquered instead of loved and nurtured, like she has been defiled instead of treasured.

Does this bring pleasure to one or to both? One of the purposes of sex is to bring mutual pleasure. At its best, sex allows both spouses to give and receive at the same time and through the same acts. It is unique in that way, and uniquely powerful and fulfilling. There may be times when there is some inequity in the giving and receiving of pleasure, but always each spouse should be seeking greater pleasure for the other, not for him or herself. Do not always pleasure yourself at the expense of your spouse; never commit acts which are pleasurable to one and distasteful to the other.

Does this trouble your conscience or your spouse's conscience? The conscience is a special gift of God and one that he commands us to heed (Titus 1:15). Where God gives us all the same law through his Word, he gives each of us a conscience that is all our own. We are required to heed this conscience and not to violate it. Do not violate your conscience with regards to certain acts and do not cajole your spouse into violating her's.

Can you thank God for this? It is difficult to thank God for things that we have done in violation of law or conscience. When considering particular acts, it is worth considering whether you would be able to thank God for them. Do nothing for which you could not thank God.

In many cases these guidelines may be disappointing as they convict you that certain porn-fueled fantasies may have to go unfulfilled. You will find that there are things you have seen on the screen that you've been wanting to try out, but that these things would violate some of those guidelines. Some of what is normal in pornography is forbidden by God and is a sin against him and a sin against your spouse. But if you trust God you will know that he will give grace not only to get over it--actually, to get over yourself--but also to find greater pleasure in greater, purer things. Scores of committed couples will tell you that they have found great and growing pleasure in years and decades of what according to pornography would be very boring sex. The years of sex with one another have proven far more interesting, far more alluring, far more satisfying than any pleasure they found in running wild. Do you trust God that this can be the case for you and for your bride?

I will attempt to wrap up this series tomorrow. As I've said at the end of each of these articles, you are free to contact me (even anonymously) if there is something you would like to add, a question you think I should address, and so on. Already many people have done so and their questions and concerns have helped shape these articles.

Premium Sponsor: