What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me? bit.ly/Kj5jSH

Sometimes they just tee it right up for you, don’t they. Well, off the top of my head I’d say a full body waxing, re-taking Algebra II, babysitting an autistic badger in a studio apartment, getting audited, hiking across Libya in a snowsuit, and passing a gallstone all qualify. But don’t take it from me (or not just from me) — check out this curated sample of replies to Trump from the rest of Twitter:

Top Ten Things That Would Be Better Than Dinner With Donald Trump and Mitt Romney

10. Herpes (@SpikeVee88)
9. You learning how birth certificates work (@daveanthony)
8. Shoving sporks into our eyeballs (@Disalmanac)
7. A root canal without pain meds (@taradublinrocks)
6. Three words: Nickelback disco album (@TomHeadLovesYou)
5. A colonoscopy. Only one asshole involved (@FrankFunaro)
4. Eating a bag of thumbtacks, alone (@BillCorbett)
3. Starvation (@thenotoriouspdb)
2. Just for starters, everything (@king_kaufman)
1. Never having to see or hear either of you ever again (@InstaDerek)

What else, people? Got any good ones of your own? Serve ‘em up in the comments!

Helm’s huge influence as a singer, drummer and all-around musician is widely and rightfully hailed, not least by Jon Pareles in his New York Times obit. The man’s wonderful acting turns in a handful of movies is (perhaps understandably) getting somewhat less play.

What mention there is of his acting usually highlights his first movie appearance, playing the titular father of Loretta Lynn (Sissy Spacek) in the 1980 biopic Coal Miner’s Daughter. Of my few memories of that film, one of the clearest is Helm sitting inside the family’s house after returning from work. He stares blankly ahead, motionless, the exposed skin of his hands, neck and face blackened by coal dust, with a single rivulet of blood running from one nostril over his mouth and down his chin.

More recently, Helm appeared in a brief but unforgettable role in The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005). The film’s star and director, Tommy Lee Jones, presumably had known Helm since working with him in Coal Miner’s Daughter a quarter-century earlier. By then, the ravages of the throat cancer that would eventually kill him were quite evident (although he would apparently regenerate somewhat in subsequent years). Skeletal and raspy, he played a blind hermit encountered by Jones and his captive, Barry Pepper, as they flee from the law toward the Mexican border. When the good-ol’-boy lawmen eventually ask Helm’s character if he’s “seen anybody come through here lately,” he hollers, “I ain’t seen anybody in over thirty years!”

Levon Helm acted the way he sang: plainly, direct from the unvarnished root of himself. He wasn’t a trained actor, he was the kind of actor who played people who themselves were untrained. Despite the artifice of cameras and crew around him, Helm was one of those face-value who didn’t “act” per se, he’d just be. He was simply not capable of being inauthentic.

He would always be primarily a musician, of course — indeed, would need music to stay afloat. As fate would have it, the United States’s absurdly expensive health care system threatened to bankrupt even the famous Levon Helm after a few rounds of cancer treatment in the late 1990′s and early 2000′s. He opened the barn of his country house in upstate New York for “Midnight Rambles” where he and musician friends would play into the evening. Locals would attend, chipping in a few bucks to take in the music and do some dancing.

Helm referred to these periodic events as a variation on the old Rent Parties that country folk used to organize to avoid losing their lodgings, just as he was in danger of losing his house to pay medical bills. But hey — like the Republicans and Tea Partiers say, hands off our health care! Obamacare and its insurance mandates are an unconstitutional government takeover of the health care system! Even as mild as it is, with no public option, and if people (or even famous musicians) are losing their houses because of medical bills, they should be glad they’re losing their houses in America, the land of the free, motherfuckers! …But I digress.

Let’s get back to remembering a great artist. It was the raw, elemental authenticity I described earlier which imbued songs like “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” and “Up On Cripple Creek” with the folkloric essence that captivated countless music lovers. For my example of choice, it made him one of what must be a mere handful of people not named Bruce Springsteen who could sing “Atlantic City” as if he’d written it, and it had been his all along.

So here is the late, great Levon Helm singing that very song in 2008, accompanied by Midnight Ramble regulars including his daughter, Amy.

Farewell, Levon.

11. “Miracle on 42nd Street”
    
10. “Artist’s Statement”
    
9. “Puddin’ — Taylor Swift”
   
8. “Terrorist on Flight 77″
   
7. “Matt Damon Defends Teachers”
   
6. “Dana Gould Plays the Larry King Game”
   
5. “Tiger Woods Fails to Qualify for Sex With Dive Bar Waitress”
   
4. “You’re So Hot”
   
3. “Whole Foods Parking Lot”
   
2. “Ultimate Dog Tease”
   
1. “Missing Teen’s Friends Plead for Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates”
   

[Rated NSFW]

Somebody give those two girls a series. Although they get all the laugh lines, I would be remiss to not also recognize the excellent “straight-man” work of Brad Holbrook and Tracy Toth as the Today Now! anchors.

Nevertheless, I have put a talking dog video at number two on my list of the best of 2011. You’ve probably seen this video already (it has over 98 million views to date, according to YouTube), but at less than a minute and a half, it’s easily worth another look.

Who’d'a thunk it — a talking dog video is number 2 on my top videos of the year. What can I say? It’s a pretty damn revolutionary variation on the genre. I can’t have been the only one of the 98 million-plus viewers to have wondered “voice-over! Why didn’t I ever think of that?!?”

Any video that makes me have to remind myself that it’s make-believe, and the dog isn’t really being teased, deserves proper respect. Need more reassurance? Here’s the original video of what the dog said. Now give that doggie some treats.