Today is my birthday.

I’m 30.

I’ve had some trepidation. Misgivings. Confusion. Expectations! Mortality! It was all too much.

But, in the nick of time I have had some meaty realizations and hearty epiphanies. (Being at the beach for two days helped). So I’m feeling good about it now.

Realizing life is short is a good thing. It promotes focus.

A brand new decade! I feel some resolutions coming on.

In my thirties I will…

1. spend less time at home alone, and more time out with people I love doing things I love
2. judge my beauty and health by how I feel inside rather than how I look
3. let go of expectations of others and give myself what I need and want instead
4. consistently seek spiritual connection that keeps me grounded and my heart open
5. read more and kvetch less
6. give my body movement, play, stretching, and other things it wants
7. release the past and forgive
8. appreciate every day rather than constantly waiting and planning for better futures
9. be willing to spend money on things that make me happy, like staying in nice places at the beach or really comfortable chairs
10. hand the ultimate path of my life and its purpose over to whatever forces move such things, and focus instead on doing good, being kind, and having fun

Love,

Emma

I’m an advocate for small.

Maybe it was growing up with the Marxist idea that as the finished product of our labor gets abstracted from our day to day work, we lose meaning.

Maybe it’s because hierarchies and institutions seem like giant soul-crushing entities.

I like small business. And I hate it when a small business gets all competitive and stupid like a big business.

In a small business, a micro-business, the personality and uniqueness of the owner can come through. Business can be an expression of our truest and best qualities: our vision, our inspiration. When a company grows, its hard to hold onto that magical quality. It gets burnished out as all the edges get smooth.

Not that I don’t appreciate the smoothness. I love Amazon. Target. They’re great. I just also like the tiny people doing individual things that are cool.

I think of the people doing them as artists. Every day they wake up and decide to believe in their business and their work. They put it out there. They define their own value by showing up and stating it. It’s a claiming of power. It’s the courage to self-validate.

Sure, your customers give you feedback. But at the end of the day, nobody but you knows how much work you put into your business.

Like right now I’m working on tiny details in migrating a lot of Acorn Host data to a new system, much of which is for accounts and customers that are long gone, and probably a lot of it my customers will never see or care about it. I could do a sloppier job, and it would not affect my bottom line at all. Precision does not really pay in many cases.

But I care about it. And I like to care about it. And somehow all that caring and precision adds up to a service that is good and makes the world better. And that’s enough.

In micro-businesses, that kind of caring is embedded. Efficiency and profitability really isn’t the bottom line. It could be–but I don’t think most people are motivated by numbers alone. It’s when people get in hierarchies and the numbers start to be used to judge worth that numbers become meaningful. Without that, we do what we care about. I like that.

I had a rockin’ meeting tonight with my Hakomi group. Much unfolded.

I’m going through this period of uncertainty. The confidence that I normally draw on readily is just missing. I look around the world and it suddenly seems much larger than before. I had a plan, I was ready for a world the size I thought it was. But suddenly its far larger and I don’t have a plan. My plans don’t work. I’m bewildered and afraid.

But hark, here is a thread of awakening to tug on. My plans in the world are based around fortifying and protecting myself from criticism. Be perfect, be seamless, and also, preach to the choir. But the new world is so large I can’t possibly prepare.

This is familiar. My family was critical. I was always on guard, preparing for the next insult, the next jest or jab. I had to be aware of the world at all times, and I was lucky that it was small. I had an iron grip on it.

Out in the world, I’ve created a bubble. It’s small enough that I have a handle on it, and I’ve filled it with non-jabby people.

But ultimately it is too small. I am bored. I am frustrated. I want to be known. I want to explore. I want to venture into new neighborhoods and meet new people. I want to impact the world.

And I want to feel up to it. I want to know how to handle criticism without wilting or biting. I want to bend and sway like bamboo or some shit. I want to be OK.

So I want more exposure. There it is. Hah! I laugh at my bubble! It is time to think about maybe looking out over the rim and maybe sorta kinda sticking my toe outside my bubble sometime soon but not right this second but soon. It is time for that!

Yes. Excellent.

I’m at a training this weekend. The really juicy bits were in the car coming back from lunch. When I realized that I have grief. I’ve found my purpose and my gift and what I love to do, my unique contribution. But I’m totally stalled on it. Well, sort of. I’m moving slowly. And the reason is that I’m carrying this grief. The grief of who I’ve been in my life. The loss of those years, not knowing that I had unique talents. The fear and confusion about my purpose. The feeling that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to. The constant churning driving need to find out what that was. The sense that I wasn’t right, wasn’t OK, wasn’t contributing, had no place in this world. And the grief of my parents, and the lost contributions in my lineage. Sadness. A feeling of being done with some part of my life, and it being sad to leave it behind. Turning, moving, shifting away from pain that has been such a defining part of my existence.

To step forward is to feel the weight of where you were before. To move is to feel the wake you leave behind. To turn is to shake loose what has kept you still. To sit is to let what has moved you drop.

My need to curl up, to create caves and bowls and holding spaces isn’t stagnation and escape. It’s wanting to create a space to experience this great transition. I’m going from aimless to aimed! Confused to clear! Scattered to focused! Unsure to ready! I’ve done the work, but now I need to catch up with myself. I need to sit and be still. I need to let it sink in. This puzzle piece fits now. I need to grieve the hole that it fills. I need to feel the way the other pieces shift around, and see what now no longer fits. How has the puzzle changed? What searching can I lay to rest? And what sadness needs to be spoken that fueled this search?

I found what I was looking for. Now I need a moment to pause, and lay it out before me and just behold. Lo! A purpose. And how sad, that it has taken me this long to find it.

Certain problems with blogging have become apparent to me lately:

1) The casual format encourages random dumping of stuff rather than sifting and curating and development of ideas into cohesive, finished pieces. Like books. The more I read and learn, the less patience I have to sort through people’s process. Or my own for that matter.

2) Over time, the blog history fills with writing that is no longer current, no longer relevant, no longer good (as the writer grows, improves, transforms, learns). This feels like a sluggish weight to be carrying around. As if each book you publish includes all the other books you’ve ever written as appendices. And the journal you kept while writing them. I feel mild embarrassment that grows over time as my blog ages.

3) There is no separation between this uncurrent cruft, and the bits and pieces that are still relevant, wise, funny, and worth reading. I could rely on metrics like “most read” but I don’t trust them. I want to curate my work myself.

4) I value my privacy more than I used to. The more I want to do work that reaches people, the less I want to share everything. At least not in a space where it is mixed in with stuff I really do want people to read. I want space to be messy in a less-public way.

I think that I will periodically review and edit my old posts. This is probably anathema to the blogging culture…you are supposed to leave an unbroken record, I guess. Blah, whatever. I am not a history book. I think of it as releasing a revised addition of a book. I’m sure plenty of authors have wished sometimes that they could pull all old copies of their books and instantly revise them when what they’ve written proves embarrassing later on. Anyway, I want to. Which is a good reason for anything.

A friend from college once visited and commented that I didn’t seem to own a single thing from when we were roommates 10 years before. I thought, “should I?”. This blog feels old, like crusty dorm room furniture. I want to sort through it, toss the junk, and go shopping for a new sofa. It’s weighing me down.

Second, I think I will create a private space for me to do more “journally” and “spewage” type writing – and only put the best stuff here. I’ve forgotten that I love to write. I want to feel free to write out whatever crap is in my head without worrying that it will be mistaken for stuff I think anyone else might be interested in.

He makes a point which I agree with which is that after you realize you have enough money, and time, when you stop running around trying to get more of those (which is where most people are, the running), when you realize you really do have enough, then you face the true issue which is what you are going to do with what you have? What choices do you want to make, what do you want to create?

Many people lose themselves in the franticness of just living. But if you do the work of getting conscious, you realize that life really isn’t frantic unless you make it that way. We create our own busy-ness. Or we create the conditions that give rise to creativity. It’s all up to us.

Plus, I’m getting older. When I was 20, I made goals that were at most a few months out. Sure, I finished college, but that goal was made for me. Yes, I started a business, but I pretty much did that one week or month at a time. I didn’t think about it, except in the vaguest terms.

Now I’m looking at 30 and realizing that if I spent five years learning something I would be able to learn something really well that I know nothing about right now. And that’s an interesting idea. And, a somewhat daunting one.

When I started my business 10 years ago I had the luxury of not knowing what I was getting myself into. I had never done it before, so I had no idea what it would entail. I guess as you get older and you have more experience you realize more what endeavors actually involve and the starting costs look higher.

But c’est la vie. We have to keep moving or we’ll die.

I don’t think it will be “how to coach people” or “how to counsel people”. Those are interesting questions but I don’t think they are my core strengths. I do like helping people one on one, but it doesn’t scale. And the skills needed don’t interest me completely enough. But “how to teach …online”–that might be it.

What I want to do, I think, is make business knowledge accessible. The real deal, the stuff that people need to know, whatever is helpful and useful. And I don’t need to make tons of money, or hype it up or any of that. I just want to help people in the most plain way possible that actually works. So I’m not sure, something like online classes or a series of workbooks – how do people really learn? What do they really need?

It’s still shaping up. This year or two is one of exploration and re-org.

I guess I like to keep it because it proves I’m a real human being, and I think we need more of that in the world. It’s fine to be an expert, but I want you to be a real human being too. And I want to be both. Because it’s just true.

This is what is going on for me at the moment: complete reorganization of my brain. OK, that is actually going on usually anyway. Sometimes I think I must have very flexible brain cells now after all this personal growth work.

Which brings me to my topic of the day: slowing down to allow time for integration. I write about this periodically but it still is something we all need reminding about because of our crazy yang-ified over-working culture.

Slow. down.

I’m taking the next two weeks mostly-off. Which to me, since I love my work and love working, means I make everything even more optional and play-ful. For example I just spent the morning working on my profiles at Biznik and LinkedIn and stuff but totally stopped when I got to Plaxo and Evite because who cares really. I got bored so I decided to blog. See? It’s like, total permission to float all over the place. That is my definition of vacation: when productivity is a side-effect of having fun. Usually I want to make sure to do both in equal amounts. So I will occassionally make an effort to be productive about things I’m not 100% crazy about. Just to make sure my i’s are dotted. But for the next two weeks (or however long I can stand it), it’s 100% fun and productivity is a bonus which I’m totally not aiming for.

If you are wondering why I keep saying “totally”, it’s because I just finished  Kung Fu Panda on my Xbox yesterday and it is full of words like “totally” and “awesome” and sometimes my writing voice gets affected  by things I do. I suppose I should work on that so I’m more consistent and stuff. Maybe next year. Or maybe I will never be consistent. Meh.

OK, so what is my brain re-organization? It’s a combination of:

1. starting a new coaching/consulting biz helping people with their spiritual-business-money stuff. which means adjusting to scheduling, appointments, and everything else that goes into this kind of work.
2. getting ready to take some trainings in the next year, long termish, and my history around schooling is, um, difficult. I think it will be OK though. I really want to take them and it’s not your ordinary school. IE non-institutional. I hope.
3. new place to live. still. unpacking. I don’t want to talk about it. but the walls are pretty colors and that is a win.
4. mostly it’s that I’m finally DOING THE THING. Instead of tip-toeing around it. I have been tip-toeing for, oh YEARS, so stepping into it means my life is just taking on a whole lot of extra dimensions.

What extra dimensions? It’s this funny feeling that I’m actually living it. Like I’m committed to my life in a way that I wasn’t before. I was just sort of observing. I never really felt like it was my life. I was dropped off here by mistake perhaps. I don’t really belong. I got the dates wrong. Or the planet. Or maybe I just didn’t read the travel brochure carefully enough. Isn’t there a warranty on this life? Can I get a refund?

So right now is really about OK, I’m HERE. Here I am. I’m doing the thing I came here to do. I’m going to stop talking about it and worrying and fretting about it and just do it. Which is great. But it’s different. In a totally good way.

But all things that are new and different take time to settle in and it’s important to allow the body time to adjust. To get used to it. To throw some fits and want to go back to the old way. To protest a little. To come around to it in good time. To put toes in the water and run around excitedly babbling about the temperature and then jump back in and out and in until you forget you were ever not used to it. That’s how change happens. You don’t just wake up one day. You wake up every day, a little different.

According to my psychic friend, the 2012 thing is like this: we are all being pulled like a magnet toward awakening and being more conscious/happy. IE letting go of negative energy states and being pulled into higher ones. It’s happening to us, all of us, the same.

Each planet is alive and ours is too, and we’re part of it, we’re part of its evolutionary matrix, if you will.

So the world is “saving” itself, it’s already happening.

Which is a relief for those of us with Savior complexes. (But, the world! What a mess! The sky is falling! What to do, what to do! I have a gift, shouldn’t I be using it to save the world? But, but, I feel such ambivalence and responsibility and aaaaack!)

If you feel like you came here for a reason, you did, but it’s more to experience this shift rather than create the shift. The shift is what it is. You can participate in it. In fact, you already are. You’re already being pulled or pushed to express your true nature, to enjoy your experience here, to have fun and be lighter. You’re gradually lightening up and waking up. It’s already happening. So you can embrace it and live it and relax. OK?

And your gift? We all have them. Just use it, and enjoy it. Using a gift is as much for you as for anyone else. You live your best life when you are using your gift. Other people benefit too. But they’d be OK even if you did something else. Really.

Note to self: Stop being codependent with the whole dang world.

A maximizer is like a perfectionist, someone who needs to be assured that their every purchase or decision was the best that could be made. The way a maximizer knows for certain is to consider all the alternatives they can imagine. This creates a psychologically daunting task, which can become even more daunting as the number of options increases. The alternative to maximizing is to be a satisficer. A satisficer has criteria and standards, but a satisficer is not worried about the possibility that there might be something better. Ultimately, Schwartz agrees with Simon’s conclusion, that satisficing is, in fact, the maximizing strategy.  from Wikipedia

Satisficers tend to be happier.

I am unsure where I fall because while it’s true I have very high standards, once I find the thing I want, I’m happy with it. For the most part. I did not go looking for “the perfect car” or “the perfect condo”. I often let other people do my research. I bought the condo next to Emily’s condo. She had done the research, I was happy with it. I bought a Camry because my brother said Hondas and Toyotas are the best. And I’m happy with it.

What I do is look until it “feels right”. And once I get that this-is-it feeling, I stop. I put a lot of stock in that feels-right feeling.

But I do find that I have certain areas that I maximize in. For instance I seem to maximize around career. I am never happy with what I’m doing. And I think the reason has to do with external expectations. I still have this very strong  internalized voice saying I ought to be doing something Important with my life. In fact it gets in the way of me doing anything Important because I don’t like being told what to do and I rebel. But anyway. That’s another blog post.

The point though for me to realize around this is that I have not been solely going for the “this-is-it” feeling with my career. I’ve been going for “Is this good enough yet?” and querying some nebulous internal jackal, which is so hung up on not feeling good enough that it is never satisfied. My self-worth is tied up in it.

Stupid head.

Well, I’ll tell you: first I was in a dark-night-of-the-soul, hibernation, Inanna-journey-into-darkness kind of thing.

And then, I was done with that, but still recovering, and I had lost all momentum for writing.

I kept feeling like I had to explain all of it, to fill in the gaps. And I wasn’t ready. I just didn’t want to. That’s the short answer.

The long answer is I have been on this quest to figure out what my right work is. And I didn’t want to say anything because what if I was wrong. Or what if people expected more out of me than I wanted to give. Or what if really, my soul just wants to curl up and watch Heroes and not do any life-changing, soul-stirring work at all, thank you, because it’s all too hard and scary and big and I just want to live my small life because there is nothing wrong with small.

But you know what? I miss writing.

I still have no idea how Big my life will be. Or how Big I want it to be.

So if you haven’t followed my life so far: I’ve always had this sneaking feeling that someday I would be really Big. Like that T-shirt “I’m kind of a Big Deal.” I guess it’s a line from a movie. Anyway.

The point is, there has always been this feeling, and always with it has been my ambivalence.

But lately I’m like OK. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. But I need to know what It is. And so I’m figuring that out.

And it’s OK if I’m not famous. I still feel ambivalent about that. But I’ve decided that IF there is a Divine Plan and if in the Divine Plan or my Soul Mission or Whatever It Is, I am a Big Deal, or whatever, if I’m doing something that speaks to a lot of people or helps in some way than I want to do it. I’m willing. Lay it on me, God.

Why? Well, it’s a good reason, really. Because after you figure out how to heal your issues, make a business that runs itself (mostly), and buy a condo, you feel like, well, my major list items are checked off. And why dink around with the little stuff? Why not go for the Big Thing? Why not figure out, why not ask, why not be willing to receive, what that Big Thing really is? Why not go for it?

Because otherwise, it’s just me. The reason to partner with God is that otherwise, it’s just me. My head. My ego. Whatever you want to call it. It’s just me. And I’m bored of me. I want to be in touch with the Other. The grand Isness of Being, etc. Whatever you want to call it.

Helping people, as a concept, I still feel ambivalent about. My head starts going: “Do we ever really help anyone, really? Aren’t people all on their own paths? What can I really offer that they couldn’t figure out themselves, if they like, meditated long enough? Aren’t there already enough self-help books and therapists and coaches  etc?”

But I’m fairly sure that this is just the latest incarnation of the “let’s just keep watching TV and do nothing, because that’s very, very safe and what’s wrong with that really?” And sometimes it shows up as spaciness or boredom or confusion or resistance.

So I have the voice. And I’m like, well, I’m going to try it anyway. I’m going to walk forward, for the hell of it, and see. Because you don’t really know until you try it. And the voice, I’m thinking…if I listen to it, my life gets very boring.

And I want to get back into writing. It’s a kind of rhythm, it’s a way to be in the flow that I really enjoy and that works for me. And I always get stuck because ohmygosh people see it and they see me and what will they say and think and oh no. But fuck it.

My fuck it energy is helpful now, it didn’t use to be. It used to be “fuck it let’s watch TV”. And now it’s “fuck it let’s write and start working with people”. Progress. =)