Cherry Blossom Memories

Cherry Blossom Memories moves to a new website

2012-01-03T16:15:00.001-06:00

Hello to my followers and new visitors. Today I have officially moved the Cherry Blossom Memories blog to the new Moonbridge Publications website, for one-stop shopping, so to speak. I hope you click on over and follow me there to get inspiration for writing your own life story or that of others. See ya there!

Christmas traditions, and who will make the eggnog cookies

2011-12-23T21:23:00.002-06:00

Sitting here nibbling eggnog butter cookies and sipping lactose-free eggnog, I’m thinking about Christmas traditions. I talk a lot about family traditions, but this year I’m wondering about my own family traditions. The girls are so big now, the oldest in her fourth year of college in another state, the youngest in first year high school. Nobody was too interested in helping get the live Christmas tree, although they wouldn’t let me get the Charlie Brown tree at Walgreens. Nobody wanted to decorate the tree so it sat naked for a week before I put lights on it. I decorated it a few days before Christmas with only a half box out of the three boxes of ornaments we have while keeping an eye on the Mizzou-Illini basketball game (Illinois put up a good fight!). No garland, no lit star on top. The kids were happy (although I was asked to fetch the star), the husband said he appreciated it. Me, I feel like the Little Red Hen who gets no help making bread but everybody wants to eat it. What happened to us?

In the good ‘ol days, when the girls were little, they loved to help bake and decorate cookies, they insisted on a live tree and helped pick it out and decorate it. Then they got older. This year the youngest had to study for finals and is too busy with her social life, and the oldest is worn out from studying for exams and just wants to sleep a lot and see her hometown friends when she's awake. We’re in a mid-life crisis of sorts, and it doesn’t help that I’m a little worn out from doing some big home maintenance projects and the husband had to deal with some issues at work.

I'm not worried about the Christmas tree problem, but I’m here at the computer, eggnog cookie in hand, wondering if my kids will grow up to make these cookies like their mother and grandmother did. I don’t think they have ever been that fond of the cookies, but using the cookie cutters and decorating with colored sugars and silver dragees sure was fun. When I was little I thought the same. As an adult who doesn’t like too-sweet treats, I now love those cookies and the memories they bring of my mother rolling and cutting and my sister and I sprinkling sugars.

I hope the kids come to appreciate eggnog cookies and continue the tradition of making them for Christmas when they are grown and living on their own. When I am old and gray (older and grayer) and no longer strong enough to stir the thick dough, I will expect to receive a plate of those cookies. And some rumballs, please.

And now, it's time to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, which the kids don't appreciate either.

PS: Eggnog butter cookie dough has no raw eggs in it, therefore is fine (and delicious) to eat raw.

Breaking the Code: A father-daughter memoir of WWII

2011-12-04T02:59:00.001-06:00

Karen Fisher-Alaniz discovered a secret. On her father’s 81^st birthday, he handed her a stack of letters he had written to his parents when he served in WWII. She had heard some old war stories, but they didn’t explain why he was suffering nightmares and flashbacks. He had a safe desk job during the War, and that was all, or was it?

Karen’s book, Breaking the Code: A Father’s Secret, A Daughter’s Journey, and the Question That Changed Everything, was just released by Sourcebooks, a large independent publishing house. It is beautifully done with personal photos and scans of letters and documents. I felt I was alongside Karen as she undertook this difficult journey of discovery with someone who did not want to talk about his past. Karen is in the midst of a flurry of publicity, so I’m fortunate she was able to answer a few questions for me.

*****

Karen, your dad began to suffer from PTSD only after the September 11 tragedy. Is this what triggered you to dig for more of his WWII experiences?

Yes. It was about six months after 9/11 when he put two notebooks full of letters he’d written during the War on my lap. I do believe that our nation’s tragedy was a trigger, but nothing was said at the time. It’s only in looking back that my mother and I have wondered about it. And then the nightmares and terrible flashbacks began. I just wanted to help him – that’s how it began; a daughter trying to help her father.

When you retired from your teaching career, you had time to sit with your dad more and go out for breakfasts with him, trying to work through the PTSD. He didn’t want to talk about his war experiences. How did you break through the barrier?

Time. Lots and lots of time. It’s funny that as my dad was slowly telling me the stories, I was simultaneously trying to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I really loved my teaching job. I’d taught special education for 14 years. If it weren’t for health problems, I’d still be there. I was devastated when I had to leave “my kids.” I’ve heard that if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. And that’s what this was like. Looking back now, I think it’s funny that I didn’t see that I was already on the path to doing something that would begin a new chapter in my life – writing.

Anyone who has a loved one with post-traumatic stress disorder knows the tightrope you walk. I felt like talking about his experiences would help him, but at the same time, sometimes it would kick up memories that would be triggers to nightmares and flashbacks. So, I had to learn when to back off and when to push. I don’t think you can ever get that one completely right.

What made you decide to write a book, and did you know from the start you wanted it to be for the public, not just your family? And what did your dad think about you writing this book about his life for everyone to see?

In the beginning, I was simply going to transcribe the letters. There were 400 pages of them and they were hard to read. I just wanted to type them up. But as I read his story, through the letters, I had questions. Those questions lead to me finally hearing the true story of my father’s experiences during the War.

It was such a slow process that it didn’t really feel like there was a time that I said, “Aha! I am going to write a book!” Dad was just going with the flow. I started to write down the story that wasn’t in the letters, the story between the lines. Dad is kind of still just going with the flow. When the book was finally about to come out, he said he was going to find a rock to crawl under.

I know you had a dilemma about how to write the story. You could have ghost-written it for your dad, or written it like a biography from third-person perspective. Tell us about the route you took.

Well, I originally wrote it in third person, more like a biography. I joined a critique group and began taking chapters to the group. After several weeks of doing this, one of the ladies in the group said, “Karen, every time you come, we critique the chapters and then you tell us how the experience is effecting you. Have you ever considered that this is your story too?” I hadn’t. But I did then. And the members of the group were always so interested in the story, always anxious to learn more. That made me wonder if perhaps the story had an audience outside of my immediate family.

You ended up with a lot of stories, but not all were included in the book. It’s natural to want to include everything for a memoir so as not to lose anything, but if publishing for the public you have to hold back. How hard was that to make those decisions? What did you do with the stories left out?

You are so right. Publishing for family is one thing. Publishing for readers who don’t know you is quite another. Although, I would also like to say that perhaps if we put as much time and effort into making our family history interesting (and well written), maybe other people would be reading them.

Editing things out of the story was very difficult. I thought I’d done an okay job of it until I had an editor at Sourcebooks working with me. Editor Peter Lynch was wonderful to work with. He had a good vision for the story I wanted to tell and a gentle way of guiding me toward what needed to be done. When it’s your story, you do have a tendency to believe that everything is important and relevant. But it’s not. The story must move forward. If you put too much in, you will lead the reader down rabbit trails and confuse them. I constantly asked myself, “Does this matter to the reader? Does it tell a part of the story? Does it move the story forward?” If the answer was no, then it had to be cut. I have a file of additional letters and stories that didn’t make that cut.

Did you include photos or other types of extra material in the book? Did you need to do much research?

The team at Sourcebook really caught the vision for the book. I gave them photos and memorabilia but never expected them to use much of it. But they did. Each chapter has not only the original letters, but photos and memorabilia in it. It’s arranged in an amazing fashion. Everything about the book and how it’s laid out and what is included sets the stage for the story. It was really a beautiful experience to see what they’d done. I cried.

Your dad has been to book-signings with you and you both were interviewed for a spot on NPR. He seems to be taking it all in stride—what does he think about all this fuss over him?

I think he’d still like to find that rock at times. He is 90 years old now and yes, he’s doing some of the signings with me. I swear he gets younger and more energized with each one. People who come out are so kind and honor him. He fretted over what to write when he signs a book. He’s settled on “and her dad, Murray Fisher” below my name. But he’s also a humble man. He survived the war. His friend, Mal, didn’t. He never forgets that. There are still times when I see that cloud of grief come over him.

Anything else you’d like to tell us about the book or the journey of writing the book?

I’d rather spend time reminding people how precious the gift of time is. When Dad and I started going out for breakfast, nine years ago, I never dreamed the story that would come from it. It was only an hour or so of time, once a week. And yet, that time together became so important – to both of us. We all have stories in our families, in our neighborhoods or places of worship that haven’t yet been told. Or maybe the short version has been told. We have a tendency to think, I’ve got to write that down someday. Someday, I’ll sit down with Grandpa or Auntie and record that story. But the reality is that for many, time runs out. Once your loved one is gone, so are their stories. None of us are promised tomorrow. With the holiday season upon us, make a promise to yourself to slow down and listen. I will too.

Thank you for inviting me to your blog. Happy Holidays!

*****
Look for more information about Breaking the Code and Karen Fisher-Alaniz (Ah-lah-neez) at her website, StoryMatters2. Karen and I encourage everyone to talk to veterans and ask them about their lives. Many veterans such as Karen’s dad are reticent for various reasons to talk about their service, but it’s important to ask. Telling the stories can be painful, but also healing, and can validate the importance of what they did for their country. Don’t let them pass away thinking, as one elderly veteran told Karen, “I have a story, too, but nobody wants to know it.”

Thanksgiving is for family relationships and stories

2011-11-21T15:10:00.001-06:00

Women’s Memoirs, a lifewriting blog I follow, had an interesting post recently that’s worth sharing. Matilda had read The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain’s Wiring Can Help Kindle Your Relationship, by Dr. Fran Cohen Praver. Since Thanksgiving is coming up and you’ll probably be spending time with extended family, Matilda's post is worth reading. The gist is that not only do our relationships as little kids with our parents matter, but also the relationships we had with our siblings. The way we interacted with our brothers and sisters may be affecting the way we act today, not just with them as adults, but with other people! And we thought parents were to blame for everything.

Were you or one of your siblings picked on? Who was the bossy one? Did someone feel the need to lie, to pretend sickness, to complain constantly? Is someone still bossy, still whiny, still needy? Is someone suffering from low self-esteem, too much self-esteem? I remember picking on my little sister a little too much. I apologized to her years ago. Thankfully, I could finally see how my behavior hurt her, but many people cannot step outside themselves and see their behavior or how it hurts or annoys others. Then they wonder why the family (or other people) doesn’t like them.

If you’re dreading this Thanksgiving because of difficult family relationships, someone (or two) stuck in the rut of past behavior and maybe even carrying it on to a spouse or kids, try dredging up some memories of how you all related to each other when you were one family under the same roof. Perhaps by telling old stories you can elicit laughter, or even understanding and healing. It’s always interesting (sometimes shocking!) to hear different views of one memory. If you let the feelings behind those different views exist without judgment—because feelings are not right or wrong, they just are—your family members will feel safe talking about their feelings. No attacking. Learning about each other’s perspectives might help break the cycle of harmful current behavior, or at least put a crack in it, or at least let others know where they are coming from. Learning about our parents’ early lives can really be eye-opening in terms of connecting how that affected their parent relationship with their children—I know all about that from writing my mother’s childhood memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight!

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of the awareness of all the blessings, large and small, in your lives. Whether your family is a little dysfunctional or not, enjoy some time together gathering old memories and learning about each other.

Oh, and my friend, Bob, has a fun Thanksgiving Song of Gratitude for you.

And here is a re-post of the fabulous fresh pumpkin pie recipe from my sister:

Home-made Pumpkin Pie

1 ½ cup pumpkin puree
¾ cup sugar
1 egg
½ cup milk
1 ½ tsp vanilla

Cut in half and clean out a small pie pumpkin. Microwave each half on High, cut side down, in a pie plate filled with 1/8 inch water, until a fork goes in easily (15-20 minutes each half). Drain, cool, remove flesh and puree in a blender. Add remaining ingredients to 1 ½ c of pumpkin puree, pour into a smaller size pie pan with a graham cracker crust or unbaked pie shell. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon. Bake at 375F for 45 minutes until set. Makes a delicious custard-like pie, incomparable to use of canned pumpkin. Serve with dollops of whipped cream.

Ginger Graham Crust

1 ½ c graham cracker crumbs
6 Tbsp melted unsalted butter
1/3 c sugar
½ tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp ground ginger

Toss gently to mix, spread into a pie plate, pressing onto bottom and sides. Bake at 375F for 4-5 minutes to set. Cool before filling.

WWII History: A China-Burma-India forgotten theatre memoir

2011-11-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

Genealogy and discovering house histories are Kim Wolterman’s forte, but recently she published a book about her father’s experiences in the China-Burma-India theatre of WWII. From Buckeye to GI: Leroy C. Kubler, The War Years 1942-1945, was released in time for Veterans Day this year and is a tribute to her father and his service to this country. The book contains a lot of historical information that would be particularly interesting to veterans from that theatre and their families. Veterans Day actually is the anniversary of the signing of the armistice that ended WWI, but it now honors all U.S. war veterans and military servicemen and women.

Kim, how did you come to write the book? Were there letters to home involved?

When my father passed away a lot of personal items that had belonged to him and my mom were transported to my house in St. Louis. Among them were photo albums and all of my dad’s papers – financial, military, sheet music that he had written. As I began to put all of the war related items together I realized that together they told a story about my dad’s military service. My mother had saved the letters that my dad had written to her from India, and when she died in 1989 my sister and I left them undisturbed in her dresser. Unfortunately after my dad died the letters were no longer in the drawer. I suppose at some point my dad just tossed them out.

The book looks to be mostly factual. Is this more a history or a memoir? Did your father ever tell his war-time stories to family?

The book is actually a combination of history and memoir. My dad was a bit unusual for a veteran in that he did not mind talking about his military service. In the book I have recounted some of his stories, but as I looked at the documents and photos he had saved I found myself researching the different places where he had been stationed as well.

Did you know from the start you wanted this to be more than just for your family? What made you decide to publish for the public?

When I began writing the book I approached it from the standpoint of writing it for the public. As a genealogist I recognized the significance of the documents I held in my hands. In general I feel that the stories of the WWII veterans need to be told, but in my dad’s case he had kept so many historical documents from his time in service that I knew other people would be interested in seeing them as well. The China-Burma-India Theater has not had much written about it – even during the War it was referred to as the “forgotten theater”. The stories that have been told are those of the “Hump” pilots. My dad was the loading supervisor at the Chabua, India, air base, responsible for making sure the planes of those pilots were loaded properly.

You started this project after your father died. What kind of difficulties did that cause in the writing and how did you work around them. Were other family members able to help?

It definitely would have been helpful to write this while my dad was still alive because I could have captured more of his personal stories and gained further knowledge about the photographs he had taken. But also as I began to do research for the book I found so many websites I would have loved to share with him. I have become email penpals with a Navy veteran who was on the same ship with my dad to and from India. And I met a woman whose dad was transported to India on the voyage. How interested he would have been to read all the veteran postings on the China-Burma-India Theater website!

You have a lot of photos and documents and such included in the book. What were your sources for those, and were they easy to get? You didn’t have one of those boxes of unlabeled photos, did you? How did you organize the book?

As I mentioned my dad left behind wonderful historical documents and photos. Most of them were labeled, but some were not. Also my Navy penpal shared with me resources for the USS General Anderson naval ship. I decided the best way to organize the book was chronologically.

Anything else you’d like to tell us about the book or the journey of writing it?

This book provides a visual and historical glimpse into a small but important piece of WWII history. As I wove all the pieces together I perhaps for the first time began to truly understand the enormous sacrifices that the men and women who served in WWII had made in order to protect the very fabric upon which America had been built. I would encourage anyone with a veteran in their family to document their story. It deserves to be told.

Kim Wolterman is author of Who’s Been Sleeping in My Bed(room), which explains how to research the history of a St. Louis County, Missouri, home, and an e-book, Keys to Unlocking House History, which is a resource for house researchers anywhere in the U.S. She lives in a century home in a National Historic District of a St. Louis suburb and provides consulting services to others who want to learn the history of their older homes. Kim's My House History website is lost in cyberspace at the moment, but you can reach her at her Write Formation blog.

PS: From Buckeye to GI takes the usual time to ship from Amazon, which is playing bullying games with a number of small publishers lately.

Veterans Day: start a conversation

2011-11-11T02:06:00.001-06:00

Thank you to all our military veterans! Our freedoms and those of others around the world ring because of you. Most of us only know about war from what we have read or seen in movies or documentaries, and they can never tell the whole story. We can learn more by asking veterans questions about their time in the military. Honor their lives and their service by caring enough to ask. Below are some generic, benign topics. Start asking and let your veteran friend lead wherever and however deep they want to go.

Entering the military:

Were you drafted or did you enlist? What year? What branch of service?
What were your feelings about enlisting or receiving a draft notice?
What was the reaction of your parents and other family members?

Boot camp:

Where did you go to boot camp?
   Were you allowed to bring much from home (clothing, books, etc.)?
How far away from home was it? Were you homesick at all?
   Was the climate different from home; if so, how did you adjust?
   What was a typical day like?
   Was it as strict as the movies show?
Did you ever get in trouble? What was the punishment?
   What did you do on your time off?

Special Training:

If you were assigned to special training where were you sent for it?
Why do you think you were chosen for that, or were you given a choice?
Did you like it? Was it difficult?
What did you do on your time off there?

Service assignments:

   Were you told where you'd be stationed, or shipped out without knowing?
   How did you get there and how long did it take? What was ship/plane travel like?
   What did you think of the location(s) of your assignment(s)?
   What were the local people like? Did you associate with them at all?
   What did you do during down time? Leave time?
   Did you get many letters from home? Did you write home often?
   Were you homesick much or did you enjoy the camaraderie or adventure a lot?
   Did you worry much about your girl- or boyfriend/spouse/family back home?
   What did you think about this war? Did you agree with it?

End of war/service:

   What year did you get out of service?
   How did you/others around you react to the end of the war? Where were you?
   What did you do after you got out of service?

These are just some questions I thought of based on my experience creating a family book from my husband’s grandfather’s letters home during WWII and from interviewing and creating a booklet about our elderly neighbor couple’s lives. You will have to alter questions depending on which war your veteran friend was in and his/her type of service. Hope you have a great time chatting!

PS: If your veteran is interested in saving some of his stories in print or audio, here is a great article by Leila Levinson, "Can the Simple Act of Storytelling Help Them Heal?" (many vets have never told their stories), but look at the end of the article to find programs that support and encourage veteran writing. For veterans in Missouri there is the Missouri Veterans History Project and the Missouri Warrior Writers Project. And I am always happy to offer free consulting to any war veteran wanting do a bit of lifewriting.

A history of the world in a single inspirational sentence

2011-11-07T16:09:00.000-06:00

Okay, Michael Sieleman got me good, and I loved it. He sent me his latest book, which everyone who likes this blog would appreciate.

A History of the World in a Single Sentence by Michael Sieleman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I got a huge kick out of this book. It really is one sentence, one incredible sentence! Great gift for the woman (women) in your life, or for your own inspiration. (I personally prefer my print copy from the author's website, but that's because of what I do - sshhh.)

(History of the World is available on Kindle, too. Michael wrote the hilarious Hippie from Iowa memoir, reviewed here as Part I and Part II

Baptism by Toilet Water: a memoir of overcoming child abuse

2011-11-06T12:39:00.000-06:00

A few days ago, I attended James F. Winter’s book talk and signing for Baptism by Toilet Water. This sounds like a humorous story, but it’s actually a memoir of abuse by an alcoholic dad whose parents were the epitome of Christian good-heartedness – and they lived next door. I’ve got to read how they handled listening to the yelling and seeing their grandchildren with bruises. Jim is no longer bitter, though, and this book is his journey away from anger, a memorial to his siblings who died too young, and a legacy for his own children, all behind a cover of a cute little boy with a wet curl on top of his head. Just a little disarming! Jim explained the title as referring to the ironic extremes of his upbringing.

Baptism by Toilet Water covers the complexities of love: love of children for a caring mother who was not strong enough to take her brood away from abuse, love of kind and generous grandparents who nevertheless had favorites, love bonding brothers and sisters through illness and death. Jim said he has heard from many people how the book helped move them through their own demons, and was especially touched by a woman able to break through the wall of suffering the loss of her child by reading the book. Interestingly, he said the two people who told him they did not like his book were suspected to be alcoholics who said he was too hard on the father! The book is from his perspective, he told them, not his father’s – always two sides of a story.

It took four years to write this book, and Jim interviewed his father’s successful and well-adapted brothers (one a historian who provided family documents and reviewed for historical accuracy) about their childhood and what they thought triggered his father’s behavior. Sadly, his grandparents, parents and all siblings but one had died by the time Jim began writing, so he didn’t have many people left to confer with. Reliving the past was difficult, but therapeutic, he said.

The company Jim used to publish was enthusiastic about his manuscript, but the editor insisted that the dark and gripping chapter 6 become chapter 1 to catch reader interest and hold it tightly. This meant Jim had to rework his whole manuscript! He was skeptical about the move and unsure of his ability to adapt the original work, but the editor was adamant and encouraging. Jim did it, though, and readers have enjoyed how conversational and smooth the writing is. Not bad for someone who had never written a book before.

After the first chapter, the story flashes back to “Humble Beginnings” and becomes chronological, with subheadings to introduce topics and events, all listed in the table of contents for easy reference. Included are details of childhood games from the 1960s. Hidden in the middle of the book is a series of old photos, some in color, which did add to the price of the book, in case you wonder why it’s a little high for a slim paperback. Internal formatting, front and back covers are nicely done. A lovely touch is the inclusion of a couple poems his grandmother wrote.

One point of particular interest for memoir writers: There is a religious aspect to this story, but it is not prominent. Skimming through, I didn’t even notice any reference to religion. The final chapter, however, is very Christian, which can be off-putting to non-Christians, and even Christians uncomfortable with seeing their faith pushed. Personally, I would have used the last chapter as an afterword, or not at all. The second-to-last chapter actually ends very nicely with a “soft” message, although I see why Jim wanted a concluding chapter. Writers need to know who the audience is for their book. Is it only Christians? The back cover does say at the bottom “he comes to realize that Jesus Christ is illuminating the way through it all,” so hopefully readers will heed the warning sign. Feel free to leave your comments about this.

NaNoWriMo for nonfiction

2011-11-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

In case you haven’t heard the commotion, November is National Novel Writing Month, where thousands of writers around the world are working and worrying themselves to peck or scratch out 50,000 words of story by the end of the month. Winners are anyone who completes the mission. That doesn’t mean the story is done, just that you’ve got 50,000 words of it down. NaNoWriMo is considered by many to be a great motivation tool.

If you’re brave and persevering, you can join the NaNoWriMos but work on narrative nonfiction instead. Become a rebel and compete in NaNonFicWriMo (National Non-Fiction Writing Month) by working on your memoir or lifestories. Set aside time each day or so and try not to get behind – 50,000 words is approximately 1600 words or 5.5 double-spaced pages each day, for a final count of about 128 pages, which is considered a very short book. And just write – spit it out – because you’re only producing a first draft, not the real thing. That should take some of the pressure off. You can actually sign up for the challenge on the NaNoWriMo website and join the nonfiction subgroup.

(Don't look at me, I've got my goal for the month, but it involves a scraper and house paint.)

An almost-memoir immigrant story, Girl in Translation

2011-10-30T21:41:00.001-05:00

Jean Kwok was in St. Louis the other day to talk about her bestselling debut novel, Girl in Translation, recently released in paperback. In a personable style peppered with humor, she presented the true story behind the book, which is a horrifying immigrant tale of a mother and young daughter coming from China to a better life in the U.S. The “better” life turns out to be working in a sweatshop garment factory and living in a roach-infested tenement. Ms. Kwok related that her descriptions of the stifling hot factory, steam venting from pressing machines into a big concrete room with windows shut and blocked against prying eyes, fabric dust everywhere, and the trashed and beaten, bug covered apartment were exactly as those her family worked and lived in. This was in the 1990s in New York. Jean went to the factory every day after school until she went off to college. Audience mouths fell open in shock. Fortunately, the young protagonist (Kimberly) – and Jean herself – were blessed with school smarts which helped them escape from poverty and the grinding slave work for pennies. As Kimberly comes of age, she must decide between two young men and the different paths they will take. Jean married a Dutchman and now lives in the Netherlands.

Jean Kwok wrote Girl in Translation for three reasons: to let others know what it is like to be an immigrant lost in a new country and language, to encourage others to look beyond the curtain of differences that separate them from immigrants, and to commemorate the struggle of her life and the lives of her mother and brother who worked so hard and held the family together. Jean’s older brother was also brilliant in school and pulled himself out of poverty through education. He saved his pennies to buy her the gift of a blank diary, which started her on the path of writing: “Whatever you write belongs to you,” he said to a little girl who had nothing.

I asked Jean if she had considered writing her memoir versus a novel, and what made her decide to write her story as fiction. Her answer was one my own mother had to overcome: she was ashamed of her rough early life. Jean laughed as she told us she thought she could hide behind the fiction, that no one would know she used her real life as a basis for the story. And maybe we would never have known except she had become rightfully proud of overcoming adversity. She also had a message for the world, particularly one for insular Americans, many of us having no clue what it’s like to be suddenly and permanently immersed in an alien culture where everyone is speaking apparent gibberish and impatient for you to understand. Add being trapped in poverty to that equation. Jean also knew she needed a good plot, and there was freedom in being able to deviate from the truth. A book that will sell well, and thus pass its message on to more people, must have a well-developed and entertaining storyline (Jean also praised her very critical editor). I can’t wait to read Jean’s book. The first chapter is great.

A Domestic Violence Memoir: For Worse Never Better

2011-10-23T19:49:00.000-05:00

Penelope van Buskirk knows what it’s like to run for her life. She suffered both verbal and physical abuse at the hands of her husband for nearly eighteen years. I just finished reading her memoir, For Worse Never Better, appropriate for October which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Penny* is one of the lucky survivors as many women who try to escape are murdered, sometimes along with their children, by their enraged husbands. As Penny says of her ex-husband, “He is now deceased. I am alive. I always thought it would be the other way around.”

For Worse Never Better: Diary of an Abused Woman and Escape to Freedom helps readers understand some of the reasons women put up with spousal violence. Penny is not the stereotypical abused wife, beaten to a mere shadow. She is feisty and headstrong; she says that was her defense against a domineering father. That feistiness also makes it seem odd that she would stay with a violent man, until we see the rest of the story. Penny was neither perfect nor always wise, sometimes pushing her husband’s hot buttons on purpose in response to her frustrations with his cheating, his bossiness, his refusal to let her have any choice in what should have been family decisions. It is painful to read how he beat her, and how—ever loyal, ever hopeful—she covered up for him, lying about the bruises, “I didn’t hold on to the stair rail,” “Mommy got hit by a ball.” It is infuriating to read how he spoke to her, “Where the hell’s my dinner”—accusing, dominating, belittling—while she tried to salvage her self esteem.

Penny’s book grabbed me by the collar and pushed me to the end. My forgotten tea grew cold. I had to see how she escaped to write the book. At what cost, and what happened to her little girls, the friends who tried to help? Wasn’t she afraid to write her story? The book is not all doom. There are many happy moments mixed in, many times when love is strong and beautiful. They make the spider sweet, the web sticky and complex. Penny does well at creating setting and expressing her thoughts. Her sharp sense of humor, which helped her keep going during the abuse, shines through. A number of typos did slip by, like small stones in a whitewater river. The end is satisfying, with a twist of smile.

Penny kept a diary throughout the abuse. It is the basis for this cathartic book which she dared to write only after her husband died. Of course, all names have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. While Penny feels emotionally healed for the most part, she suffers permanent physical damage that worsens with age.

Penny now works with a shelter for women and hopes her book will give abused women “a mirror of hope, understanding and strength. The book is also a must-read for anyone who knows an abused woman. For Worse Never Better is available on Amazon in print or e-book, but Penny will receive more dollars from a print copy sale if it is through Authorhouse, and 50% of proceeds will benefit Chrysalis, a services organization for victims of domestic violence. Visit Penny's Live Free website to find articles, resources, and a link to her blog (Surviving Domestic Violence). Thank goodness there is help now for abused women (and men), unlike during the years when Penny was suffering.

*Due to the public nature of online articles, the author’s nickname has been altered to a common spelling to help maintain her privacy. Her current last name is unknown to most of those who knew her during the abusive years.

A Study for Memoir Writers: Night by Elie Wiesel should have been darker

2011-10-16T19:33:00.000-05:00

Finally, I have read Elie Wiesel’s famous memoir Night, his harrowing story of survival through several WWII Nazi concentration camps. How interesting that no publisher wanted the 245-page memoir (originally titled And the World Remained Silent) because it was too dark! Who wanted to read about such “morbid” stuff. Finally it was chopped into books half the size of the manuscript and published in Spain and then France, not reaching the U.S. until 1960 where it languished until we caught on to its importance and turned it into required reading by many schools. The book has never won an award, although Wiesel has been honored many times.

I read the newer 2006 translation of Night by Wiesel’s wife, which is said by reviewers to be more poignant than the previous clipped versions. I still felt it was somewhat wooden and that so much detail was left out as to be confusing in many instances. Only Wiesel knows what the original Yiddish manuscript held, but perhaps it held no more detail than the hyphenated, translated versions give us. How many of us can remember exactly what happened and all the details of a traumatic event, not to mention even the everyday events? What did you have for dinner last Monday?

It is interesting to me how the first half of Night seems distant and sparse—as though the author were numb, which perhaps he was. He was also a new writer. The second half is a little better, as though another writer took over to bring in some feelings and some exploration of inner thoughts. Here is where the book starts to shine. And this is what would make it an interesting study for memoir writers. Examine the differences between the halves so you understand the importance of bringing yourself deeply into your memoir, not just reciting the facts of what happened but letting readers into your psyche and what you were thinking. I can deal with incomplete events and details, but I want to hear what’s going on in your mind because that’s what separates dry history from vivid memoir. Tell us how you wish your father was dead so you could be free to struggle for your life without worrying about him, too; tell us why you lost your faith in God and how that affected you.

Night is thought to be fictionalized, although Wiesel is said to become angry when questioned about it. Even if parts of it are, they do not detract from the truth of what happened. Wiesel did not lie to make better sales, he probably embellished to give us a better understanding and more flowing account of how hideous the Holocaust was. It was hideous, and that is the truth. Its most important lesson, as Wiesel tells us, is that “Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." While the memoir could have been better, it still stands iconic in that it was one of the first Holocaust memoirs to be published. Your story is important, too, even if someone says it could have been written better.

Memoirs and Steve Jobs tributes need to be realistic

2011-10-08T00:48:00.003-05:00

Steve Jobs was brilliant, pushing the innovation envelope to bring us all sorts of fast and fun toys that happened to also be great for business, but he was also a driven man not always pleasant to be around. With his death, people are gushing and singing praises of someone they don’t seem to know very well. Steve Jobs: A Memoir, written by top biographer Walter Isaacson, is being rushed into production now and will hopefully give a clearer picture to the world of the real Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs: A Memoir is perhaps more of a biography based on many interviews with Steve and those who knew him. To his credit, book notes say he asked for no control over the book and “encouraged people he knew to speak honestly,” just as he often spoke honestly (often “brutally”) to others. Steve was a complex man, well worth praise, but – let’s be honest as he would wish – not a particularly nice guy. And that adds a lot to his character and mystique.

In memoir and other forms of lifewriting, it is important to be honest with yourself and others. Painting a glorious picture of yourself as a sweet, loving person – or a successful businessman - with no faults is pretty bland, not to mention readers may not recognize you. Everyone has faults, from huge to mostly foibles. These make you the unique person you are, preventing you from being a cookie-cutter mold of some fairy tale goodie-goodie. Come to think of it, there aren’t many fairy-tale goodie-goodies, and for good reason; the most interesting characters in a story are the bad guys, followed by the hero/heroine who saves the day. If you’re going to leave an impression on readers, you’re going to have to come across as a human being who makes mistakes, has peculiarities, has problems to overcome. And you’re not a robot, so show some emotion. Don’t be afraid; since none of us readers are perfect we can relate to you better if you don’t pretend to be perfect. The less perfect, the more we can relate!

So why did this intensely private man agree to two years worth of personal interviews for a biography? "I wanted my kids to know me. I wasn't always there for them, and I wanted them to know why and to understand what I did." (Gather.com) For better or worse, Steve Jobs was three-dimensional, maybe even fourth if you consider he will live on through time through his products, his methods, his quotes, and those scars he left on people’s psyches.

Home Sweet Nursing Home opens the door to the heart

2011-10-06T15:39:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson was in the news recently for saying Alzheimer’s was “a kind of death” so it would be okay for a man to divorce his dementia-disabled wife and marry someone else –but, he should at least arrange for her care. While this may sound harsh, there are many people who won’t bother to visit an elderly, disabled relative because it’s too depressing, they don’t want to make the time, they don’t have patience, or they think the person wouldn’t notice anyway. On the other hand, there is Doris Plaster, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has enjoyed working with the elderly for eight years now. Last year she started a blog and began writing about some of her nursing home experiences with residents, maintaining their privacy by changing names and genders or creating composite characters. This year she has a book out, Home Sweet Nursing Home, of super-short stories based on those experiences, and they are spot-on. Anyone who has spent time visiting a loved one in a nursing home will love this sweet little book. I am so pleased Doris agreed to discuss her work with me.

*****
Doris, my mother has Alzheimer’s and is in a nursing home, and I think the staff there are all angels from heaven. Working with elderly dementia patients, who are usually physically disabled, too, is rough and requires a whole lot of patience and understanding. What is it about your job that you like?

I am passionate about working with the elderly population. When I started my practice as a social worker, Geriatrics was not of my interest. Back then, Youth and Communities were my preferred areas of intervention. But eight years ago, when I was unexpectedly offered a job in a nursing home, my career took a drastic turn. It was as if I had discovered an unimaginable treasure in my professional path. I found out my elderly patients had vast and rich experiences I wanted to learn about, and determine how that past could help them to deal with their present challenges. I learned that in each elderly nursing home resident there was a fascinating world to unveil and understand, especially with those residents with dementia, and I wanted to help them find meaningful moments in the last days or years of their lives.

Your blog posts are sensitive and caring. I can tell you must be well-loved by your patient friends. What made you decide to write your blog, and ultimately your book?

One day, while observing a nursing home resident with dementia who was having a moment of increased restlessness and confusion, I began to see more than just a demented elderly man. I focused on the person that was still there, his essence as a human being, as the father and husband he was, the neighbor and friend he was to others. I saw a respectful, caring, and prideful man behind that facade of mumbled words. The interaction with my resident that day touched me emotionally, and I thought that maybe I should write what I was seeing, not in an academic language, but in the form of stories that anyone could understand, and possibly project the same feelings of compassion and caring I was experiencing. That’s why I started blogging in 2010, posting inspirational stories based on true situations in the nursing home.

My book, Home Sweet Nursing Home, was an unplanned publication. The collection of stories was part of a blogging project in which the participants were to post daily for a month. Wanting to take part in that writing challenge, I opted for writing 50-word stories since I wouldn’t have the time to work on longer stories. At the end of the writing challenge, I received a lot of compliments, and my list of followers and readers increased tremendously. Some of them suggested that I publish the collection of stories since they were so unique and well-written. After giving it some thought, I finally decided to do it. That was an interesting path into the world of writing and publishing. Another world I have discovered now.

It’s amazing how each story in the book is like a flash of light illuminating a scene for just a second, leaving us with something to think about. You’ve got a setting, an action, and then that clever twist at the end. Have you studied writing? What made you think to write your book as super-short “flash” pieces versus short stories?

I once read a couple of interesting 50-word stories, and I was amazed at how with such limited number of words someone could actually assemble a story with characters, a plot and a surprising end. I thought I’d try that technique on my A to Z writing project, plus I added dialogue. I haven’t formally studied writing. English is actually my second language. But I like to read a lot and I began to explore the craft of writing by reading, attending a local writers’ guild and interacting with writers through blogging.

Some of these stories are pretty funny, some poignant, some disconcerting. Even though I had to laugh at Mrs. Miller telling her aide to go get herself a blob of green goo if she thought it was so yummy, you tell these stories with obvious respect and love for the residents. You also have a story about a husband and his Alzheimer-affected wife. What would you tell Pat Robertson about patients with advanced dementia?

I understand the stress that caregivers experience when their loved ones have Alzheimer’s or any other type of dementia. Life and marriage is not the same, and will never be the same. But the loved one with dementia didn’t choose that path, neither the loved one who was diagnosed with cancer, or with multiples sclerosis. The difference is that the loved one with advanced dementia cannot understand what is happening, cannot rationalize about his/her situation. That makes the loved one with dementia a more frail and vulnerable person and patient. He/she needs love, support, companionship, the touch and voice of the people that have been part of his/her life. Abandoning a loved one with advanced dementia is an unkind act. Rev. Robertson may want to find in Alzheimer’s an excuse for that husband to compensate for his guilt-ridden decision to move on, but the only one he is fooling is himself.

*****

Doris’s stories remind me of my own experiences visiting with my mom and her friends in the nursing home. As Doris said, each person there has vast and rich experiences—experiences to fill a lifetime. They are worth asking about and writing about. I loved Doris’s book. My only complaint is that her book is so short – just 26 stories, one for each letter of the alphabet, beginning with “A for Alzheimer.” I hope she writes a longer book next time, but in the meantime, we can enjoy her blog stories at Hold My Hand, A Social Worker’s Blog. Bless you, Doris, for all you do.

(Special thanks to personal historian Wayne Groner for introducing me to Doris and her book via his blog, Your Memories, Your Book.)

Women's Memoirs inspires a birth story

2011-10-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

Recently Matilda and Kendra of the Women’s Memoirs blog posted an essay I wrote last spring about the birth of my first child in response to a call for memories of April. The birth of a child is always a momentous occasion, which my step-cousin’s daughter reminded all of us last week. Her newborn is so beautiful, and he was so joyously anticipated.

My first-born turned 21 years old last spring. It takes old photos to remember how little (and innocent!) she once was, but somehow I was able to recall so much about her birth and how I felt about having a baby, and I poured that passion into "And a Child Was Born." I hope you remember well the births of each of your children. Perhaps you’ll write about them or otherwise share them with your kids. I bet they would really like that.

Troy Davis, Picking Cotton, and memoir writing

2011-09-22T01:15:00.000-05:00

Troy Davis was executed last night based on eye witness accounts of him murdering an off-duty policeman working as an unarmed security guard. Officer Mark MacPhail was shot to death protecting a homeless man, leaving behind a wife and two babies. The killer, identified by nine witnesses, was Troy Davis. Mr. Davis, however, insisted he was innocent and his lawyers appealed, but to naught. No gun was ever found, no physical evidence linked Davis to the crime. Only the eye witnesses.

Now, Mr. Davis was no innocent; he was convicted of another crime that happened days before the MacPhail murder. That crime involved bullet casings that matched up with those found at the MacPhail murder scene. Mr. Davis also hung out with minor criminals in a bad neighborhood of drug dealers and addicts. But, did he actually kill Officer MacPhail?

Per a Reuters article, “Since Davis's conviction, seven of nine witnesses have changed or recanted their testimony, some have said they were coerced by police to testify against him and some say another man committed the crime.” A number of people not called to the witness stand are saying Sylvester “Red” Coles did it and let Davis take the fall. But, two of the original witnesses were still sure they saw Ray Davis shoot Officer MacPhail. Is their eye-witness testimony alone enough to justify executing a man?

Many memoir writers know the truth is hard to find. When I tell stories of my childhood, sometimes my sister doesn’t know what I am talking about, even though she was there in the stories. Sometimes I don’t know what she’s talking about. Sometimes we help each other fill in gaps. Now try pinning down details of settings and the timing of events and what strangers were around. Try pinning down details when you’re watching something bad happen across a parking lot and it’s getting dark and you’re scared. Jennifer Thompson-Canino knows all about that.

Jennifer Thompson was raped by Ronald Cotton. She picked him out of a line-up. He went to jail. Then DNA evidence found he was the wrong man and he was freed. After eleven years. Jennifer Thompson was positive she had the right man. What happened? In 2009 her memoir with Ronald Cotton was published: Picking Cotton: Our Memoir of Injustice and Redemption. I guess the Georgia State and the U.S. Supreme Court justices haven’t read it.

A lost memoir: The Music Man

2011-09-15T23:19:00.002-05:00

I have the honor of knowing “The Music Man,” one of two original music men famous here for teaching music and having the best music stores around. My friend had a hard early life, as many folks born in the 1920s did, but he was able to start his music store in the 1950s and became well known for teaching music, including jazz, and for supporting his local community and school district with volunteer work as well as with excellent service for the school’s music programs. When that school district created an alumni association hall of fame, my friend was the first inductee. I found he was a leader behind the creation of a book written on the history of his community and school district, so now I’m not so surprised he hired a journalist to write down his own history in a memoir of his journey from the Depression era to prominent (and well-loved) community figure. Unfortunately, he did this after his only child got power of attorney and sent him to a nursing home. He was not happy.

There are always two sides to a story and his daughter and spouse seem to be good community citizens and running the store well. The store still retains my friend’s name for continuity’s sake, but the website makes no mention of the history of the store and the man, which I find a little sad, but you know there’s probably animosity there. And you know there was animosity written into the memoir. The only child got ahold of the memoir and refused to let him publish it. He then wanted to clean it up, to make the ending more even-handed, but no go. So the story of his life is a goner. This city, his community will lose a little of its history when he passes on. But at least there is that town history book he helped create.

The moral of this post is don’t wait to write your memoir until you’ve been put into a nursing home and had all your decision-making rights taken away. Or you’ve forgotten half your story. Write your story – your way – now. And yes, the other message is to not put your unabashed anger against someone into your memoir. No. No. No. (See Boyd Lemon: Daring to dig deep to write a divorce memoir.)

Disclaimer: I have not seen my friend’s writings, this post is the truth as he knows it (and he is quite lucid) and from what I found in researching.

Full Moon Viewing (Tsukimi): party with dango under the harvest moon

2011-09-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

The full harvest moon of autumn is rising huge over the horizon these days. Last night, September 11 in the U.S., was technically the full moon, but the nights just before and after are filled with moonlight, too. Japan and other Asian nations (China, Taiwan, Vietnam) celebrate this harvest moon, which usually falls in mid-September, but every few years in October. Of course, other cultures celebrate the harvest moon, but Japan and China in particular enjoy the ethereal and artistic quality of the moon, especially the full moon. They eat special celebratory foods and sit together outside admiring the beauty of the big moon. The Chinese see a lady in the moon, the Japanese see a rabbit pounding mochi rice cakes (actually, gooey rice patties).

Last night I made the traditional Japanese “dango” rice balls for the first time ever and served them with mitarashi, a sweetened and thickened soy sauce. The dango are used as decoration also, as are other round (full-moon-shaped) foods such as oranges. The Japanese also use 5 or 7 stems (lucky numbers) of grass seedheads – pampas grass is a favorite—and perhaps some fall flowers to complete the table arrangement. They enjoy eating and drinking sake, having a party under the lovely full moon. Of course, the full moon is also romantic, so lovers may enjoy strolling arm-in-arm through the moonlight. My youngest daughter and I sat outside on the front porch eating dango-on-a-stick, dipped in sauce.

I probably would never have known about this celebration had my mother not told me the story. I wrote it into her memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight, so our family would not forget. My Japanese friends here in the Midwest do not celebrate Moon Viewing, although most know about it from their childhood. I am grateful to my mother for making my life richer with her stories.

Dango*
1 cup rice flour
1/2 cup mochiko (sweet, or glutinous rice flour)

Add just enough hot (but not boiling) water to make a dough, stirring with a fork. Knead with rice-floured hands until smooth. Add more water or rice flour as needed. Make into small balls (1-inch diameter). Place in a pot of boiling water with a pinch of salt in it. When the dango rise to the top, cook a few minutes longer. Remove dango and plunge into a cold water bath. Skewer 3 or more per bamboo stick. Put a skewer on a pretty plate and spoon mitarashi sauce over. (Plain soy sauce can be used instead, just as for mochi rice cakes.)

*This is a small recipe. Dango feature in other Japanese festivals, and are often colored or flavored, but Tsukimi dango are made white as the moon.

Mitarashi

1/2 cup water
1/4 cup sugar (or slightly less to taste) mixed with 1 Tbsp corn or potato starch
1/8 cup soy sauce
1Tbsp mirin
Simmer in a saucepan until sugar dissolves and sauce thickens. Remove from heat.

9/11 Ten Year Anniversary - our legacy

2011-09-11T04:18:00.000-05:00

No, I haven’t written down my experience of 9/11, but it’s about time. I remember my first reaction quite well, even after ten years, and I don’t like to think about it. I dropped my youngest child off at the preschool in our church and noted the hallway was a bit empty. A few mothers I didn’t know had stopped in small clusters to whisper to each other and then quickly left. I wondered if there was something going on with the preschool, but inside the classroom, everything seemed normal. Still, I felt a strange undercurrent from the anxious tones of the whispering. I turned the car radio on during the short drive home and heard the deejays say something was going on in New York, but they weren’t sure what. Their voices were tense and quiet, not the usual super-cheerful morning show chattering. Ads came on, then music.

At home I turned on the TV just after the second plane hit. I could not comprehend what was going on, but my blood – and my mind – froze. My jaw fell open in shock. When the first tower began to fall, so did my tears. I remember crying to the TV, “Oh, no, oh, my God!” At that point I ran to the front closet, grabbed our big flag and placed it in the holder outside the door. It was the only way I could think to show my pain and my support for those who had died, those who were trying to escape, and above all for the rescue personnel I had seen going into the towers.

Ten years later it still hurts to think about this, even though I was all the way over here in Missouri when it happened and I don’t even know anyone who lost someone they loved. Guess I’m too sensitive–after the tragedy I had to quit watching and reading the round-the-clock news because I was empathizing so much my nerves were starting to break.

For everyone who lived through 9/11, the event has become part of our history, part of who we are. Even if we think we weren’t personally affected that much, we see how it has affected our lives each time we go to the airport. It’s part of our legacy now to tell the story of where we were and how we were affected, partly to honor those who died and the heroes who risked their lives to save others, but also to remember how shockingly we learned that an ocean is not wide enough to keep us safe and that we should not take for granted life and the people we love. Some people journal through trauma and find that helps them heal. Others have to wait until after they recover. Either way, the story is most full when we can bear to look at it and we have gained perspective – soon after, or ten years later.

Lauren Manning survived 9/11 after being burned over 82% of her body. Her scars carry great meaning. Her inspirational memoir, Unmeasured Strength, has just been published.

Have memoirs put biographies on the endangered species list?

2011-08-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

British author Hilary Spurling just won the James Tait Black award for her “part biography” of Pearl Buck, Burying the Bones: Pearl Buck in China. In the U.S., the title is Pearl Buck in China: Journey to the Good Earth. Spurling’s book, at 320 pages is said to focus mainly on how Buck became a prolific writer and ignores most of her life in the U.S. until her death. This is rather interesting as usually a biography is comprehensive, like an autobiography. Even more interesting is that Spurling agrees with top British biographer Michael Holroyd that biography is out of style. Holroyd says the genre has been “subsumed into life writing,” and I agree with him.

Memoir has really hit its stride, especially due to technology advances that allow for more affordable self-publishing and good digital print quality. The generally cold, factual biography has been overcome by the warmth of personal stories straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. Also, biographies tend to be about VIPs, not ordinary Joe’s like me and probably you. I think it depends on the person, and perhaps less people these days are that interested in reading a history book about a political figure, the usual biography topic. With our entertainment, short-attention-span culture, many prefer the shorter and get-to-the-interesting part focus of memoir. Plus, if you’re famous, why not write it your way and before you’re dead? Holroyd wrote his own memoir in 1999, and his most recent biography, Book of Secrets, of three not-so-famous women connected with one house, uses bits of memoir, and he has inserted himself into the story, experimenting with ways to keep biography interesting to the public.

I don’t remember the last biography I read since I devoured them in elementary and middle school, although now I’m tempted to go after one of Pearl Buck. I loved and cried over The Good Earth and should read more of Buck’s over 100 works. She had quite a life. Do you read biographies?

Book review by Stacy Schiff of The New York Times.

Boyd Lemon: Daring to dig deep to write a divorce memoir

2011-08-14T00:33:00.000-05:00

Boyd Lemon is a very brave man. I have just finished his memoir, Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages, where he studies the failures of his three marriages and his role in their collapses. Not only does he dive to the bottom of his psyche, he writes very personal details of his thoughts, perspectives, expectations – and worse – his experiences of sex and drugs (usually involving a wife). Heavens! But Boyd dares to expose all in his quest for understanding and in his desire to help others, especially those who grew up in the same era he did, on the cusp of the immense social changes of the 60s and 70s. Boyd manages to objectively examine his own beliefs and behaviors instead of playing the blame game or exacting written revenge on his ex-wives. [Very Important: do not write your memoir until any anger you have against others you include in your story has cooled off.]

Sharon Lippincott, author of The Heart and Craft of Lifestory Writing, interviewed Boyd Lemon about the delicate subject of how his ex-wives viewed his memoir exposing them to the world. Since Boyd was a lawyer most of his life, he probably had more clue than the rest of us about how not to get sued for writing unflattering things about others, but he is very generous with and respectful of his ex-spouses, knowing that neither they nor he was perfect and trying to understand their perspectives. Digging Deep is well worth reading, especially for middle-aged and older readers who will undoubtedly recognize some of their own foibles in the pages, and for those who plan to write about their own difficult relationships.

One last observation: Digging Deep uses an unconventional and innovative literary tactic of using present tense as Boyd writes and experiences the frustrations of writing his memoir, then switches to past tense to tell the actual stories of his marriages. The tenses/timeframes are separated by three centered asterisks to help the reader transition. It works brilliantly. And Boyd writes very well, interspersing lovely prose in his eye-opening stories. You shouldn’t get bored. (Warning: sexual details, but never gratuitous)

Digging Deep is available in print through online book sellers, in most e-book formats through Smashwords, or via the Boyd Lemon author website. Boyd also has a Divorce Recovery Resource website.

The Heart and Craft of Lifestory Writing: How to Transform Memories Into Meaningful Stories

The 2011 bad first line contest winners and your memoir

2011-07-31T02:10:00.000-05:00

The Bulwer-Litton Fiction Contest winners for 2011 have been chosen, and the grand prize inflictor's entry is rather disgusting. There was no memoir category (what!?), but the winner's entry will do. This contest picks the worst first line of a (fake) novel submitted, as follows:

"Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories." - Sue Fondrie

I hope you can tell this is bad. Bad, ugly metaphor reminds me of the movie Fargo. It's good to use metaphor (and simile) in your lifewriting, but not ones about sparrows getting chopped up, unless it is a horror memoir. What makes the Bulwer-Litton contest ironic is that the first sentence of any book is supposed to be catching, to lure the reader into going further. And these winning lines certainly are catching, just in the wrong way. After you have written a few drafts of a short lifestory or memoir, take a look at the beginning paragraph. Can you rewrite or tweak it or even start out the book differently to hint at what is coming later in the story so readers are intrigued and want to continue? In my mother's WWII Japan memoir, Cherry Blossoms in Twilight, I put the intrigue at the end of the first paragraph describing a peaceful view from the house: "I could not imagine then how this peace would be broken."

Here are a few other first lines or last lines of first paragraphs of memoirs that I liked:

"I guess the reason I am still here today to tell my story is because I come from a long line of survivors" (Laughter Wasn't Rationed by Dorothea von Schwanenflugel Lawson)

"I left the South so long ago, never to return, never looking back to allow yesterday to flood on in." (Suitcase Full of Dreams by Hoy Kersh)

"To those who are still with me, I can only say one thing: thank God for the foolhardy." (Hippie From Iowa by Michael Sieleman)

"This is the one thing that stays the same: my husband got hurt." (A Three Dog Life by Abigail Thomas)

Now, it is not absolutely necessary to have a snappy one-line in the beginning. Rick Skwiot in his memoir, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico starts with him snapping his ankle during a basketball game. Mary Karr starts out The Liars' Club with a doctor examining her seven-year-old self after a rape. Other authors start out by telling a short story told to them by their mother, launching into a description of another time and place, or introducing an interesting character in an interesting way - here's Elie Wiesel's Night :

"They called him Moishe the Beadle, as if his entire life he never had a surname."

Wiesel goes on to tell how Moishe is different from the other Jews and how Wiesel met this significant teacher in his life.

The writing of a good first paragraph can be stressful, but don't sweat it. If it doesn't come to you early, save it for last, after you get an idea of what the whole book will be about. Play around with it, dream about it, read other memoir beginnings, run drafts by your family and friends. As usual, if you are writing for your family it is not as important, but if writing for publication, that's a different story.

Karen Walker's Do's and Don'ts of Memoir Writing

2011-07-24T01:40:00.000-05:00

Karen Walker, author of Following the Whispers, a memoir of healing, has just finished a blog tour and posted some great advice for memoir writers. Do's and Don'ts of Memoir Writing offers seven tips for those who think they will have a memoir that's sellable to the general public, although anyone, whether writing for family or public, can learn something from this post, with special attention to #6. Another good post of Karen's to read for inspiration if your past is not so pleasant is The Liberating Effects of Writing Memoir.

Speaking of unpleasant pasts, this week I'll start reading Boyd Lemon's Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages, a memoir of one man's bravery in digging deep to discover how his three marriages failed and the part he played in that. It can't be easy to look at your own life objectively, not to mention that of ex-spouses!

Hippie from Iowa - Michael Sieleman Interview Part II

2011-07-17T13:53:00.001-05:00

We're back with Michael Sieleman, author of Hippie from Iowa, the laugh-out-loud, irreverent story of his early life and hitchhiking travels across Europe in the early '70s as a 19-year-old. It is currently 92 degrees, feels like 98, here in St. Louis, so we're not going to sit out on the porch with Michael as he continues to shoot the breeze with us on the writing of his book. But you're welcome to drink your beer (or lemonade).

You have a great talent for telling funny stories – and you have an amazing lot of them! Do you have some sort of karma that attracts these odd situations?

You have a great talent for asking funny questions. Karma? Maybe, but if so I must have been a real bastard in my past life. This life does seem to be one long adventure of odd situations, but they’ve been as tragic as they have been comic. I bristle a bit when Hippie from Iowa is referred to as a memoir, because though the experiences are all true, I selected primarily the comic as the backbone of the book. And, of course, it’s told from my perspective with a definite purpose. With this kind of bias, this really makes it a story--one that just happens to be comprised of true events. If I were to write a memoir, it would probably be called something like Normal Guy in a Bi-Polar Life, and it would be a terrible bore.

Were you born with this ability and are you a funny guy in your everyday conversations?

I think I did inherit an ability to be funny in my everyday conversations from my father, but I’m also very serious about life and view it differently than most people. This means I can be funny and intense almost simultaneously, sometimes to the confusion of even my best friends. Life is a serious business, but one does need to lighten up, have some fun, take a cosmic breath, and then look again to gain a more equitable perspective.

Can you tell us the process you went through to figure out how to write this memoir? Overall it follows a chronological path, but it does bounce back and forth from one time period to another. You also talk directly to your readers in a chatty manner, which is an unusual, and hence brave, tactic.

Memoir? Memoir! Damn you, it’s a STORY! However, I’ll forgive you since you make up for it by saying my chatty manner is a brave tactic. Yet, while I appreciate your compliment, it’s undeserved. It was not a preconceived tactic at all. As I said earlier, I write by the seat of the pants. I literally sat down to the computer to write the book with an idea of the voice, events, and the end to which they were directed—vaguely. I had no idea what the first sentence was going to be, but what came out was: “The substance of this writing is, I swear, all true, but I’ll warn you right now, dear reader, this thing will meander and digress all over the place. Therein, I hope, will lay it’s charm.” There was no process, no decisions on how things were to be played out, no tactics to be followed. I had a rough idea of a story and I started writing. I look back on it now and am amazed at how clearly the first sentence and the first paragraph do in fact capture the essence of the story that came to be, because I had no idea how the story would really turn out. As I write, I do pay attention to where the story is going. I did see that I was speaking directly to the reader, and bouncing around on a timeline. I let those things develop while trying to steer them in a coherent way. I don’t understand how art works, but art is not a science. You have to let it develop. If you can write, remain true to the story as it unfolds, love your narrator, your characters and your readers, you have a chance of having a hand at helping create honest art. How it works is beyond my understanding.

In the book you include bits on how you write. Now that your book has been published, do you have any advice for newbie authors?

This is a very hard question for me to answer, because I’ve spent a lifetime of dodging advice on how to write. I guess you have to figure out what kind of writer you want to be and what you want to accomplish with your writing. If you want to be a genre writer and sell a lot of books, then my advice is to read your genre of books incessantly, take writing classes, try to absorb as much as possible from those that have gone before you, look at what’s selling, and take the advice of people who are successful in your chosen genre. With luck, maybe you’ll sell some books. If you’re out to write literature/art, I have no advice to give you. By definition, you’re out to be creative, and that can’t be taught. You’ll have to find your own road (or fall into it) just like Dostoyevsky, Harper Lee, or Faulkner did. To succeed, you’ll need an endurable work ethic, nearly unbearable patience, and extraordinary luck. You’ll need to do this accepting the fact that you will most likely not succeed, and that means not pinning your identity to success. Do what you can, and hope lightning strikes.

Thank you, Michael, you've been great fun to talk to, and it was a lot of fun to read your story. Best wishes on the success of your book. Anyone wishing to know more about Michael can visit his website at Guardian Stone Publishing. You can also read my complete review of Hippie from Iowa by clicking on the Amazon book link in this post.

Hippie from Iowa - Michael Sieleman, Part I

2011-07-15T02:55:00.002-05:00

I had the pleasure of reading a funny life writing by Michael Sieleman entitled Hippie from Iowa. He doesn’t like me to call it a memoir (even though it is one), and it really is more than just memories of his early life and travels, encompassing his philosophies on life, religion, politics, race, and, well, you name it. He does warn readers: “this thing will meander and digress all over the place,” and it does! But all his chapters wrap up nicely. Michael writes with a warm charm as though he is sitting on the porch with you on a summer afternoon shooting the breeze, and you will fall off your chair laughing.

Hippie in Iowa begins with a lot of coming-of-age stories, which means s-e-x (nothing graphic) and a fair amount of teen boy swearing. Michael is a smart, thoughtful guy so we find a lot of musing (digressing) about various hot topics and injustices. I love this: “I’m sure right now many readers have their hackles up… but don’t get all riled up. Not yet, there’s more.” The hitch-hiking across Europe, mostly alone at the age of 18, in the year about 1973, gives a real feel for the road and hostel life. Along the way he has the craziest adventures, including encounters with a giant Welshman, a murderous Jenny, a too-friendly little German man, and American tourists wanting to take a photo of an American hippie in Europe (hippie meaning long-haired man with dirty jeans). Then there’s the Stonehenge experience.

I’m pleased to post a short interview here with Michael. Well, short on my part. Since most people, including me, have online attention spans of about 30 seconds max, I will post this in two parts...

You wrote this book many years after your journey and have detailed memories. Did you keep a journal of your travels? What made you decide to write down your experiences and how long did it take to finish writing?

The Europe trip had and has had an enormous impact on my life, coming as it did when I was eighteen years old and just after high school. Growing up in a very secure society in the Midwest to incredibly wonderful parents, I had a pretty clear life ahead of me, and did not have the angst and chaos of most teenagers going through high school. (I saved it instead for the rest of my life.) As long as I can recall, everyone told me I should be a lawyer. I could out argue nearly anyone, and would ask why about everything, going down one layer after another until I’d just wear people down or there were no longer any viable questions or answers. I didn’t intend to be this way; it was just the way I was born. My parents called me “the little why guy.” Besides, nobody seemed to have satisfactory answers to the truisms they threw out. At the age of five, I’d have conversations like:

Mom: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too!”

Me: “Why not?”

Mom: “Because if you eat your cake, it’s gone, and you don’t have it anymore.”

Me: “That’s different. Saying you’re cake is gone after you eat it is not the same as saying you can’t have it and then eat it.”

Mom: “You know what I mean.”

Me: “No, I don’t. They’re two different things, and what you’re saying isn’t true.”

Mom: “Of course it is. Everybody knows that.”

Me: “Look, every year you make me a birthday cake, I have it, and then I eat it. Right? So, I have my cake and I eat it too. Besides, what good would it be anyway if you had a cake and you couldn’t eat it?”

Mom would throw her hands up and walk away in despair.

(It wouldn’t be until I was thirty years old that I’d read in an old book, “You can’t eat your cake and have it too.” Finally, a logical statement: everyone just had always said it backwards, or perhaps more appropriately put for this unique case, backwords. It was about the same time I also read, “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.” I’d always heard, “It’s a doggy dog world,” and that made no sense to me when juxtaposed against the context in which it was used. It also clashed against the phrase, “It’s a dog’s life.” Thirty was a good year: I got two things cleared up.)

That’s how my life went, up until I went to Europe. I was very rational about things, and “the law” seemed to be my future. When the proposal to hitch Europe was presented to me and I got over the initial stun, I seemed to intuit (finally) that I needed to just experience the journey without analyzing, cataloging, or even keeping a journal. I didn’t even take a camera, because I didn’t want to miss what I was looking at while trying to capture it on film. I figured if things were important enough, I would remember them.

So, no journal. Was that a long enough answer?

Well, that was a round about answer! (Which reminds me of how I love the roundabouts in Europe - tip: don't try to hitch a ride within a roundabout.) You wrote this book many years after your journey and have detailed memories. What made you decide to write down your experiences and how long did it take to finish writing?

In my first year of college after getting back from Europe, I decided no law school for me—I was going to be a writer. I was and am a serious writer, having written the first novel of a trilogy at the age of twenty-seven about the Russian Revolution, after years of research. (War and Peace, of course, was just too brief.) Though the novel had a great plotline and characters, it read as dead as dead, and recognizing this I abandoned the book. Never again would I research something to death, and I would learn to write in my own voice. I set in for the long haul. I wrote for years (decades, actually) without trying to be published, but it 2005 I finished the first draft of a very good novel. Unfortunately, it needed a ton of work, and being broke, I needed to go back to work. By 2008, I was fired from a job because I didn’t fit in with the good old boy managers. However, I was well like by my coworkers and realized on the day after I was fired I’d never gotten a chance to tell them the bizarre story of my night alone at Stonehenge. I figured just for the hell of it, I’d write it as a short story and send it off to them. As I thought about how to present it, memories and the suggestion of friends who loved my stories and said I should write a book about them came flooding back. I’d always told my friends while I could tell a funny story, I had no idea how to write humor. As I thought about Stonehenge and other stories, things began to take shape, and by the end of the afternoon, the title “Hippie from Iowa” hit me and everything congealed. I was off the next day, writing—as I had learned over the years—by the seat of my pants.

I had concerns in the early going, wondering how long I could sustain the crazy energy level that it seemed to contain (and how long it would remain fresh with the reader), but it evolved in directions I never anticipated. I got out of the way and let it happen. I finished the first draft in four months, writing five to eight hours a day, five days a week. When you write by the seat of your pants, you find when you are at the end that there are a lot of false starts that don’t belong in the “story” that has evolved. So, you start cutting, sometimes vast tracts, even before you rewrite. The cutting and two more drafts took another three months. I then wasted my time for the next four months trying to get an agent before realizing the book was too different to be picked up, and nobody is interested in unpublished writers unless you are a celebrity. So, off to the world of indie publishing: six months of setting up the business, website, cover design, ISBNs, LCCNs, copyright, et al, along with five more major drafts and innumerable proofs. From the time my fingers first hit the keyboard until the book was printed took about eighteen months of fulltime work. Now I’m marketing … oh joy.

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Stay tuned for Part II this Sunday. It’s going to be very hot here in the Midwest. Bring a beer.