Chibi Jeebs

Moving On

2012-02-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

So much happened in the past few weeks that my brain is having difficulty settling on any one thing long enough to sift through the details...

There were a few *ahem* disagreements. A few lessons learned. Some eye opening (holy CRAP were we oblivious to the cost of a cross-province move!).

And boxes. Lots and lots of boxes. (Again, oblivious: we were lulled into a false sense of security and thought we had less stuff than we did and that it would take exponentially less time to pack everything than it did).

We weren't finished loading the moving truck until 11:15pm on the Thursday. We had eaten lunch at 12:30 and figured we'd be done by dinner time (we were invited to Mom & Brad's for dinner and to stay the night so we could pack the beds), so we worked through. Until 11:15pm. Chebbar and his dad kept joking about it being a union job and "union breaks." However. When you've been going for 14 hours straight, going down to find them 20 minutes after their last load to find them propping up the hand truck AGAIN is enough to make you break down in tears of frustration, or so I've heard.

We thought the truck was going to be too big. We ended up having to leave both desk chairs, the desk, the freezer, the microwave, both portable air conditioners, Chebbar's bike, and two media stands. We have not yet figured out how the eff we'll get them here, as both of our options will likely require ANOTHER $1,000. *dies*

When we left, we went to McPuke's. The first one we went through was only accepting cash. The second one made us wait (no word of a lie) 5 minutes to order. All I wanted was sugary, carby comfort food: two apple pies for dinner, plzkthx. "Sorry! We're out of apple pies. Would you like to try our new chocolate Oreo pies?" HELL TO THE NO. Cue the tears. Again. (Shuddup.) We didn't get to Mom & Brad's until 11:45, where Chebbar was over-tired, over-hungry, and anti-social, going straight downstairs to the spare room after a briefly mumbled "hello" to my mom. o_O

I begged off after about 15 minutes because I was exhausted and new 6am would come early. Mom assured me she'd see us in the morning. Neither of us slept well. I got to see Brad before he left for work, but Mom was still in bed when we left. I know she hasn't been sleeping well, so I didn't want to disturb her (plus, as I explained to Chebbar, it wouldn't surprise me if it was intentional because it would be easy than saying goodbye). We were on the road by 7:15 after NECESSARY showers (we stunk, yo); the phone rang about half an hour after we hit the road: it was Mom, and she was heartbroken - her alarm didn't go off. :( She started to cry on the phone because she "didn't get to say goodbye to [her] baby!" which of course made me cry.

While in the car with Pops behind us in the moving truck, we heard a road report for the Coquihalla saying they were going to close it for 4 hours at 9am for avalanche control. Aww, shiiiiit. So, do we press on, hoping we get through (and NOT smothered by an avalanche), or detour, adding at least 2 hours to our 12-hour trip? (Spoiler alert: we pressed on, made it through before they closed the highway, and SURPRISE! were not avalanched on.)

We ended up stopping for the night, which originally was frustrating because I just wanted to get here, but it turned out to be a great decision because we all (finally) got a good night's sleep. We were back on the road by 7:30 and arrived in Edmonton at 11am. We had the truck unloaded in about 2 hours. Why the HELL did it take so long to load?!? LMAO

We had some good down-time visiting with Chebbar's dad that night, then took him to the airport Sunday morning. *sniffles* Being here ALL! ALONE! made me weepy about missing my mama and ZOMG! what if this doesn't work? what if we HATE each other?!?

We don't. ;)

This place is starting to feel like home; Chebbar's enjoying the new job; my best friends will be moving here next month. If I could only figure out a way to teleport our family here whenever we wanted, it would be PERFECT!

Our first official welcome mat

Wordless Instagram Wednesday

2012-02-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

Read: still not quite ready to recount the ZOMG!MOOOOOVE!

HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP!

2012-01-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

If you've missed my oft-uttered refrain around teh intarwebz of late, let's play catch up!

Mid-December, Chebbar applied for a job in the field of his freshly-completed schooling. Just before Christmas, he was asked to come in for an interview (but not until the New Year). The interview seemed to go well, but he never heard back about the conference call that was supposed to take place.

We went on with our day-to-day lives. He started applying for any job he could find.

Last Friday, he was offered the job. In Edmonton. 1,000km (660+ miles) away from where we - and both of our families - currently live. He was then asked to come in on (this past) Monday to meet with the president of the company. He was told they'd fly him out that day if he was ready to go.

He (read: WE) wasn't.

Tuesday, we hopped in the car and drove to Edmonton. We had some of the worst winter weather we've seen in years - we're talking three feet of snow, going 30km/hour behind semi trucks that couldn't navigate the blowing snow and drifts. The 12-hour trip took us 14 hours. We got in to Edmonton at 11:30 Tuesday night and collapsed into the (so comfortable, I woke up with NO PAIN both mornings) hotel bed.

Oh, did I mention that Edmonton was having its coldest snap all winter? -40 Celsius with the wind chill? Yeah, that.

Our mechanic called us to report that the car did NOT have a block heater and that we needed to get to a dealership ASAP before our antifreeze, well, froze. They were able to get us in because the other people who had appointments from the day before still hadn't shown up because it was too cold to start their cars and tow trucks were taking 8-12 hours to get to calls.

We tried to book a rental car so we could go look at rental properties while the car was in the shop. No one had any cars available because the people who had them couldn't return them because they couldn't start them because it was too cold.

We ended up getting the car back early and went to look at one townhouse. It was a winner. We paid a security deposit half an hour after touring the place.

We were up while it was still dark on Thursday to head back home (for now). This time the trip only took 12 hours because the roads were better.

We will be spending the next few days seeing family and friends and packing up all our shit so we can load a moving truck and hit the highway again next Friday.

I'm... a mass of emotions. Excited. Scared. Stressed. Curious. Worried. Sad. I'm going to miss my family. It's going to be weird to be so far away: I've never lived more than 10 minutes away from my parents.

It's going to be good, but it's going to require a lot of breathing and a lot of faith.

Them thar hills be The Rockies, dudes.

Hate-Loss Challenge: Week Two

2012-01-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

After reading Ellen's post discussing how difficult it was to repeat the positive reinforcements and how she originally started by telling herself she was not the negative things on the list, I decided to give that a try this week. This appealed to me because the positive reinforcements weren't ringing true to my ears (particularly "beautiful" - I still have trouble using that word to describe myself). It's felt much more realistic to say "I'm NOT a failure, etc, etc" before moving on to "I am strong, etc, etc."

Think about the answers to these esteem-deflating questions. How often do you carry these thought around with you on a daily basis?

My life would be so much better if I were only:
more content with who I am and how I look. (often)

I’d be so much happier if I had a better:
opinion of myself. (often)

I wish I weighed:
less. (not that often, actually, and never a specific number)

When I look in the mirror, the first thing I criticize about myself is my:
skin. (often)

The one negative word that I use about myself over and over again is:
failure. (more often than not... *shame face*)

Now, answer these questions:
I often receive the most compliments on my:
ability to be supportive.

What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is:
my eyes or my smile.

I take pride in my:
loyalty.

I love the fact that I can:
. . . erm . . . I'm drawing a blank. . . ?

My greatest quality is:
my empathy.

Oh because even when I was flat broke

2012-01-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight

Part Nine

Part Ten

Part Eleven

Bev and I drifted apart after the last confrontation, partially because I was starting to see her for what she was and partially because I had graduate, so was no longer going to her house after school every day.

She didn't like this.

Upon graduation, I met a guy named Dave who was a few years older than me. He was also from a very traditional, devout family who had him convinced that - at 21 - he was far too old to be unmarried. Within three weeks of dating, he was pressuring me about marriage. I was only 18, had just graduated high school (read: didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life), and had watched my mother go through three marriages. Needless to say, I did not take his pressure kindly. After explaining this to him, and him not being able to stop, I ended up breaking up with him. He threatened suicide. That was awesome.

Not long after that, I met Matt, which was a disaster and a half. Then Jeff, which was another disaster and a half. I continued working in Big Box Retail Store hell (was there for 10.5 years, and it was soul-crushing). I started university with the intention of getting into teaching, but after taking an Intro to Criminal Justice course, completely changed my mind.

I dated a handful of guys, all briefly. I seemed to break things off before they went too far or got too serious (read: the sex); I have a feeling it was lingering bullshit from Matt. When I turned 19, I turned into a bit of a "bar star" in that I was there pretty much every weekend and often both Friday and Saturday nights (what can I say? I'm from a small town with noth.ing. to do). I wasn't a big drinker, volunteering to be the designated driver the majority of the time.

Fast forward a few years. Mom had to have a hysterectomy for a fibroid tumor that had grown to the size of her uterus (because she hadn't had a pap test in EIGHT YEARS. Get tested regularly, ladies!). We were having a family dinner the night before because - much like with them going anywhere by plane - she was superstitious-ish about anesthetic and getting in "one more dinner" with her family, "just in case."

She had been really stressed out by the upcoming operation; the more time that passed with no call from Bev, the angrier she got: Bev had a hysterectomy years before, but she'd been through it, so surely she could have told Mom what to expect. Instead, Bev chose to call the night before, interrupting dinner, to do nothing but talk about Donna (even though Mom had asked asked Bev MULTIPLE times not to discuss Donna with her: at Taylor's 5th birthday, Donna got it in her head that Mom and a friend were talking about her, so she grabbed our cousin and stormed out. She CHOSE not to speak to Mom - or the rest of us - after that. They still don't speak). Mom was understandably annoyed and got off the phone.

The day after her surgery, Gramps called to talk to Brad, saying that Bev felt "uncomfortable" visiting Mom in the hospital because she felt like she "wasn't welcome." Brad finally had enough and told Gramps that he, Bev, and Mom had a lot of things to discuss. That was the last time we heard from them.

A few months later, Taylor got a card with a cheque in the mail from the grandparents. Two weeks later, I got an empty card. I thought it was odd, but thought maybe Bev forgot to put the birthday cheque in the card. I stopped in to see Gramps not long after and found him to be very brusque and cold; the only reason I could come up with was that I hadn't gushed over my $0.37 card from a random box of impersonal Amway cards - rude, sure, but I didn't really feel that deserved gushing over.

Six weeks later, Nick got a card... with a cheque in the mail. It became plainly evident that I had been excluded on purpose, although none of us could figure out why. All these years later, all we could come up with was that they figured I was my mother's daughter and had no brain or opinion of my own, so if Mom wasn't talking to them (or they weren't talking to her), I was persona non grata as well.

That Christmas, they pulled the same shit: dropped off cards with cheques at Dad's for Nick and Taylor with nothing for me. 17-year old Nick got in his car, drove to their house, and handed back his card, telling them that if they weren't going to acknowledge his sister, he didn't want their gift either. That's when Bev got on the phone and - IN FRONT OF NICK - demanded I "name [my] price." Any amount: she'd write a cheque if *I* would stop ignoring THEM. 1) *I* wasn't the one who stopped talking to them, and b) how could she SAY that in front of Nick? "Oh, you're only worth $100, but your sister's worth ANY amount."

Mind? BLOWN.

My Health Challenge: Week Two #myhc

2012-01-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Whelp, my gung-ho'edness bit me in the ass again. I did too much, too soon without finishing the week of muscle relaxants I'd been prescribed. So I gave my head a shake, sat myself down, and asked for assvice. I restarted the muscle relaxants and swore off anything more than walking (which we did: we walked three times last week, plus my elliptical, yoga, and weight workouts before I quit - I did 8km last week).

We walked yesterday and today; we'll continue to do so the rest of the week. Friday will be home-free day as far as the muscle relaxants are concerned. A friend suggested that I might not be giving myself enough of a break before working the same groups of muscles again, so my tentative plan - depending on what my body tells me, of course: REALLY gotta start listening to that thing! - is to walk as many days as possible (2km = 30 minutes), do free weights on Mondays and Fridays, and yoga on Wednesdays. And as per the comments on Friday's post, as soon as we have some money coming in, I'll look at heading to the leisure center to swim.

I'm looking forward to getting back to it because I'm remembering how damned GOOD I feel when I'm active consistently.

How about you guys? Anyone still sticking to their New Year's resolutions/goals? Anyone still doing @annieology's pushup challenge (Chebbar still is!)?

Sunday Sound-Off (with a bonus entry at the end!)

2012-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

Shared it:

My very favouritest make-me-feel-good-about-myself blogger, Medicinal Marzipan, explains why you are worth the effort. Have I mentioned she's my favourite? I pink puffy heart love her.
The Bloggess explains why I am so open with my depression struggles (and also why I work as much as I do on Band Back Together) in her post "Wow."
Do you love yourself? I'm trying!
10 journaling tips to help you heal, grow, and thrive via Tiny Buddha.
And for shits and giggles, check out Pinterest, You Are Drunk. heheheh

Appreciated it:

Hope
Motivation
Walking
Being here now
Chebbar <3

I've been working on the Hate-Loss Challenge since the first of the year. It involved writing out a list of positive and complimentary words that I am supposed to say out loud to myself at least once a day, as well as a list of negative or derogatory words that I'm not supposed to say about myself. I posted the list on the bathroom mirror so I could see it easily and often. I've been reading the positives to myself in the morning and before bed.

It hasn't been too difficult to read the positives, although it does feel a little cheesy and forced, especially considering I'm trying to sound all upbeat and stuff. I'm definitely having trouble refraining from using the "bad" words: they're just so common in my self-talk.

Week One:
This week's exercise is to think back to a time in my life where I formed negative thoughts about myself (Ha! Just one?!?).

Why do you think you are undeserving of praise?
I don't really think I do anything praise-worthy...

Was there a specific event that caused you to change the way you perceive yourself?
I can't really pinpoint a specific time or incident that made me decide to talk to myself like an asshole - it's honestly been such a part of who I am for so long, I don't remember a time without negative self-talk (unless I go extreme and think back to when I was six-years old).

Is it because you’ve always been reminded of your imperfections or weaknesses?
Not necessarily: it's not like I grew up with harping parents who grounded me if I didn't get an A+. I'm really not sure where my perfectionism came from or why I beat myself up when I (inevitably) "fail."

Is it because you’re not receiving enough positive feedback from people whose opinions really matter to you?
Ahhh. Very likely, yes. I'd come home from school with a 93% on a test and instead of hearing "Good job!" I'd hear "Well, where's the other 7%?" My own mother didn't refer to me as "pretty" until I was 29.

Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?
Yup. I expect far more of myself than I would EVER expect of anyone else. I have to do everything perfectly the first time through without any help. If I don't do that - even when it's a brand new task I've never done before - my self-talk is deplorable.

Were you taught these habits from living in an unhealthy environment?
Mmm... I'm not sure. Possibly/probably? (I don't want to be all "It's all my parents' FAULLLLLT!")

How can I find a way to forgive those who have hurt me?
I think I've pretty much done this, or at least gotten a good handle on it last year through writing letters and such.

How can I forgive myself?
Oy. This is going to be significantly harder because I don't know how to cut myself slack. However, I know it's necessary in order to stop hating myself. Beating myself up all the time hasn't worked so far: time to try something new.

A Band-mate needs YOUR support

2012-01-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

Crystal, one of our cherished Band Back Together members, just learned that her 5-year old son has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. They have set up a Caring Bridge site to keep people up to date on Jack's journey; there is also an email address to send Jack get well ecards and cards or packages can be forwarded as well (please email me or any of the other Band Back Together members if you'd like more information). We're also using the #jackonaut hash tag on twitter to send Jack messages. And if you click through to Band Back Together's post, you can get the code necessary to display "Jack's kicking cancer's ass" button on your blog.

Jack is a super upbeat, happy little guy, and his mama is one of the strongest women I know, but everyone needs all the support, love, prayers, juju, or whatever else you believe in they can get at a time like this.

Another you can do - not just for Jack, but for people everywhere - is to join the Be The Match bone marrow registry. For the month of January, American Express is covering the cost of the kit (and it's SO easy: all you have to do is swab the inside of your cheek and mail it off). (Again, click through to Band Back Together's post for more info and links.)

I need some assvice, please

2012-01-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am horribly out of shape. I am also overweight, but that's less of a concern to me because I am otherwise healthy (according to my doctor, who gave me shit for calling myself "healthy fat"). I will get a bug up my ass and decide to Do Something About It and go balls to the wall, forgetting that I've ~~had a couch tied to my ass~~ been sedentary for a long time. And then I pay for it.

I've mentioned my chronic back pain here and on Twitter; it's something I've dealt with for years with no real hope of having it go away completely forever. Here's the thing: that ass bug will show up, telling me (and rightly so) that I would feel better if I was active more and/or lost some weight; he'll also remind me that I used to workout five days a week. I'll agree with said ass bug and throw myself into a new exercise routine all gung-ho-like. I'll do too much too soon and pay for it.

(I was to take a week's worth of muscle relaxants after Christmas for my back. I got all caught up in the #myhc on Twitter and flew into it like I was Jillian Michaels (on Monday, we went for a 2km walk, then I did 2km on the elliptical, followed by free weights, then 45 minutes of yoga on Tuesday (when I've only done it once before) - after having done ZE.RO. exercise for AT LEAST six weeks.) This was BEFORE giving the muscle relaxants the prescribed week to work on my back. Needless to say, by yesterday, I was crouched over like your 92-year old grannie.)

So. Despite wanting to kick my ass into shape YESTERDAY and trying to ignore the ass bug that's whispering in my ear, pointing out that I don't feel *that* bad and that I should just push THROUGH the pain, I've started the week of muscle relaxants over. (However, we will still do our 2km/30 minute walks five days a week.)

What I need to know is how I should be starting out as a sedentary, out-of-shape person. Clearly balls-to-the-wall five days a week does NOT agree with my body, but I have no idea how much is enough and/or too little. My Google-Fu skills are failing me, and I can't seem to find a... prescribed amount of time/number of workouts for someone just starting out (because, let's face it: as much as I don't want to admit it, I pretty much AM just starting out). However, I know I have a lot of very smart readers who might be able to help me out. Is adding, say, three days of weight/resistance training to my walking schedule okay? HALP ME! I'm tired of overdoing it and sidelining myself with a(nother) freaking injury. *sigh*

Possibly Unpopular Opinion #22

2012-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

#22: Look, I love you. I really do. I swear. However, I probably won't watch your vlog. Ever. BUT! It's not you: it's me - they make ME feel all... awkward-arm-flail. :-s

I call this "Awkward Arm Flail."

Did that really just happen?!?

2012-01-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

Me [upon crawling into a cold bed]: Well, if we move, I'll need a new electric blanket.

Chebbar: Why?

Me: Because half of it seems to have died! Only the left side [not the side I sleep on] is warm!

Chebbar: What? Really? That's weird...

Me: The only thing I can think of is *maybe* the cord is half unplugged?

Chebbar: Nah. It wouldn't work at all then. [Checks plug: it's connected properly.] [Tries to find the electric blanket in amongst the seven blankets on the bed.] [Feels around.] [Stops.] [Begins laughing his ass off.]

Me: What?!?

Chebbar [still laughing his ass off]: Um, the blanket slipped... [Pulls the bunched-up blanket over and smooths it over the bed.] [Continues laughing.]

Me [goggle-eyed]: What? You're KIDDING me! Are you kidding me?!? I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT!!! [Begins laughing my ass off.]

Evidently I need to CHECK the damned slippery blanket BEFORE I turn it on at night. Geesh.

"Buh, wut?"

Source

My Health Challenge: Week One #myhc

2012-01-02T16:34:00.001-08:00

So, I'm not quite sure how it happened - there was a #followFriday and I started following some people and some people started following me and there was talk about A LOT of pushups and then I stepped on the scale this morning and worked my ass off and agreed to (TRY TO) do 365 pushups by December 31, 2012 here I am. Doing another health challenge of a sort. Apparently @annieology will be doing something over on her blog? I think? And I figured doing a weekly feature will help me accountable-ish?

DAMN! How's that for sounding wishy-washy? Haaaaa!

My plan is to walk for 30 minutes a day, five days a week as outlined in this video. However, my plan is to view this as "walking/nature meditation," NOT *gasp!* exercise. I'm also going to incorporate actual workouts throughout the week as well: yoga (I'd like to do it twice a week, if possible), free weights (again, twice a week), the elliptical, the Wii Fit, Just Dance, maybe finally grow the ovaries to try the damned Zumba game for the Wii I've had far longer than I car to admit, maybe get back to the Tae Bo... I'm super lucky and have LOTS of options, so I shouldn't get bored.

I know I feel better - mentally AND physically - when I'm active regularly. I want to get back to that. Today was the reboot. I stepped on the scale (ugh) and took my measurements (blarg); I'm going to post 'em publicly (*cries real tears*) on a page up top (again, for that bloody accountability shit). I also busted out LoseIt again, even though I'd originally told Chebbar I wasn't going to use it this time around. Oh, and I already got mah first badge:

Are you working on your fitness this year? Wanna play along? Use the #myhc hashtag on Twitter or link up below!

Goals 2012

2012-01-01T15:21:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, folks! How're y'all feeling? Hopefully not too hung over... ;)

Last year, these were my goals:

Get more sleep
Manage stress
Learn/do yoga
Listen to myself/mind/body
Ask for help
Learn something new (maybe how to *use* my camera?)
Be kind to myself
Be patient with myself
Floss
Stop negative self-talk

I did GREAT on 1, 2, um... well, 1 and 2. I at least *did* yoga a few times, and listening to my body was a convenient excuse a lot. I didn't learn how to use my camera, but I'm sure I learned SOMETHING new. Flossing was hit or miss (gotta get on that). And the rest, yeah, we just won't discuss those. :-s

This year, I'm going to focus on one word instead...

Source

Specifically self-love. I'm s l o w l y learning that I really, really need to learn to love and respect myself because beating myself up and treating myself like crap certainly hasn't worked. I'd really like to be able to see myself for the person so many of you see. I've got lots of self-help-type material to read and work through; I'm actually looking forward to doing the work.

What about you? Do you do resolutions? Goals? Focus word(s)? Are you looking forward to 2012, or will you miss 2011?

If you're bored, I did a year-in-review post full of pretty pictures. :)

Farewell to 2011

2011-12-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm joining Robin from Farewell, Stranger in her photo wrap-up of 2011, partially because it's a cool way to look back on the last year, and because I would *love* to take part in the Brave Girls Soul Restoration. I adore the Brave Girls. Let's take a look, shall we?

January

Near the end of January, Jenny The Bloggess published a post about "coming out" and speaking up about mental illness. I was inspired by her, and did the same (well, sort of: since I'm still not "out" as my blog persona to my family, my cartoonified picture had to suffice: it was still hard to slap all those labels on it, though).

February

February's dreariness contributed to some fairly roller coaster-like ups and downs for me in the self-esteem department, going from hating myself one day to trying to convince myself I was kind of okay the next. It was a rough month.

March

Chebbar started school - exciting! March gave us the first glimmers of hope that spring was going to arrive. We spent time walking down at the river, which was lovely - there's something about being outside that rejuvenates me. I can't say for sure because the picture wasn't dated, but we very well could have done this when I participated in the National Day of Unplugging: no technology of any kind for 24 for whole hours! It was daunting at first, but once I put my keener pants on and started to make a list of all the things I could do in that 24 hours, I began to get excited about my self-imposed exile. It was lovely. I need to do it again some time soon.

April

In April, I celebrated my birthday and tried to let go of an old hurt. I wrote it out, and when that wasn't enough, I burned that letter. It felt better than I should probably admit.

"Burn the Witch"

May

May was... rough. My estranged grandfather had a heart attack and was in ICU. The decision to go to the hospital was a difficult one, but ultimately one that needed to be made. In doing so, I learned some things about him AND myself. I was also able to forgive him (and begin the long process of forgiving myself - I'm still not quite there yet).

Mid-month, I happened upon the scene of an accident and "helped" by assisting a man in lifting a Harley. As in, 800-lb motorcycle. My back was NOT happy with me. I spent a fair amount of time sitting on an ice pack on the couch with that adorable pup above beside me.

June

Oh, June. You shook me up. Hard. But you taught me a lot, too. My grandfather passed away. I made the painful decision to skip his memorial service. I learned another truth that further solidified by choice to remain estranged from my grandmother. And I let go.

July

I got in touch with who I am in July. I used Wordle to create the cloud above of consisting of words friends used to describe me. While feeling a little embarrassed and a smidge ashamed (I was brought up on not tooting your own horn), it felt pretty darned good to see all those lovely, positive words and know that they were referring to ME.

I also shared how I practice gratitude every day, linked up to Schmutzie's "Where I'm From" meme, and crawled up on my soapbox to rant about the hierarchy of blogging.

"Where I'm From"

August

This is what happens when you finally realize and admit that you suffer from dermatillomania (skin picking) and try to do something about it (note: didn't work).

After reading Gretchen Rubin's book, I decided to start my own Happiness Project (note: it's working).

The summer heat seemed to put people on edge. I had to call the police to report child abuse (update here).

And we went on a mini-road trip to visit family (can you spot the moon?).

September

September saw the end of my pretending everything was okay and walloped me upside the head with a resurgence of my depression.

We saw Pearl Jam on their 20th Anniversary Tour (awesome!!!).

Band Back Together held an auction, to which I donated a set of handmade cards.

October

I saw my doctor about my depression; with a small tweak in antidepressants, I was back to feeling "normal" within a week or so - SUCH a relief.

I found out I was being laid off. A bunch of shitty stuff happened to my family. I did my best to look at the bright side of things.

Oh, and we went to another small concert. You've probably never heard of them... THE FOO FIGHTERS! :D

November

In November, I was thankful, strong (note: didn't work), rambly, and stressed out. Big time.

December

Ah, December. You, too, were rough. You brought crazy hormones that messed with my head and brought my self-loathing to an all-time low that lasted far longer than I was comfortable with. However, you also brought me some understanding, perspective, and peace; I think I'm walking away from 2011 with a different outlook and more awareness.

It's been a bumpy year, but I definitely feel like I've learned and grown, so that makes me happy.

My Happiness Project: Month 6, Week 1

2011-12-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

Month Five wasn't bad at all with a final score of 79% - it actually went a lot better than I had expected. Last month I worked on:

Choosing not to take things personally
Laughing every day, including at myself
Paying compliments
Engaging the world - smile, say hello, help others
Taking (perceived) failures and imperfections in stride

Not surprisingly, I found numbers one and five to be the most difficult; however, they were easier than I had anticipated, perhaps because I had this daily reminder.

Here are Month Six's goals:

Get your own Tool Box here!

It's the MOST wonderful tiiiiime of the year (now that it's over)!

2011-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

So, Christmas.

It started on Friday when we went to my parents' house for our usual Christmas Eve traditions. Yes, I know it wasn't Christmas Eve, but with a large family - some of whom work shift work - you fit stuff in where and when you can. I was extremely anxious about going and felt like an outsider (or first time guest); I was on the verge of tears for the first hour or so until I loosened up, got the frig over myself, and enjoyed myself. Nick gave me the best gift (and compliment) he's ever given me in his whole life: he was talking about our rocky childhood and said something to the effect that, when stuff was shitty, "Chibi made it all better." That's the very first time he's EVER said anything remotely grateful to me about what we went through.

Saturday we went to see Chebbar's family to celebrate his uncle's birthday. Out-of-town family had arrived, and we had a good time dressing Uncle Mike up in all his "over the hill gear."

Sunday saw us up and out of the house early so we could go back to Nana's to watch Theo and Jake open their gifts. Jake is 3 1/2 and just figuring out the concept of "MINE!" It was a riot. At one point, he took an interest in my iPod, so I was showing him how to take pictures. He spent a good hour, the rest of the battery life, and over THREE! HUNDRED! pictures. It was freaking adorable watching him look at the screen, line up his shot, and tap the button a zillion times before he'd excitedly squeal "I gotchooooo!" We seriously need to find the kid a camera for his birthday.

We were there for fifteen hours. FIFTEEN! Needless to say, we didn't make it back to my parents' to open gifts that night.

We ended up going back there on Monday to do the gift thing. I'm not even sure how the conversation turned that way (I think maybe Chebbar started talking about his flighty mother?), but I had the opportunity to speak my piece and get shit off my chest. I can't even BEGIN to tell you how good it felt to unburden myself (never mind how relieving it was to have her very emphatically state that she would NEVER walk away from me).

Four days of Christmas, but all in all pretty damned good. Although I am glad it's over for another 362 days (you're welcome... *evil grin*).

How were your holidays? Are you packed up and over 'em, or are you having difficulty packing it all away for another year like I am?

Sunday Sound-Off, The Way-Late Edition

2011-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Shared it:

"But, expectations shrink your shine and weigh you down with worry and equations." Read the rest of this at Danielle Laporte's White Hot Truth.
55 gentle ways to take care of yourself when you're busy, busy, busy at The Freedom Experiment.
Christie Inge shares How to Feel Your Feelings - LOVE her blog.
I know we've passed the majority of the holiday season, but New Year's Eve is right around the corner, and Katie P's "The Introvert's Guide to Holiday Parties" is definitely worth bookmarking for NEXT year.
And check out the simple phrase that can change everything over at A Flourishing Life.

Noted it:

Job interviews (not mine)
Crazy-scary-exciting opportunities (ours)
The prospect of finally being able to get into a house (and get a dog!!!)
Family (ours)
Christmas (finally being over for another year after four. long. days.)

It's Christmas Meme!

2011-12-23T09:38:00.000-08:00

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate?
I drink hot chocolate year-round (don't kid yourself: it's the powdered crap you mix with hot water), so I'd say egg nog, but I don't remember the last time I had egg nog. Plus, I'm ridiculously particular about it (has to be super cold and preferably the light stuff, otherwise I'll throw ice cubes in it to thin it out).

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Santa always wrapped our presents. However, his handwriting did look suspiciously like Mom's...

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

White mini-lights on the tree. White (icicles) on the house; I'd go with red and white if pressed (like a candy cane), but Chebbar wanted blue, and since he put them up...

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Yes, but it's fake. Heh, after our first Christmas together, Chebbar took the mistletoe I was trying to pack up and wandered down the hall. When I followed, I found him balanced on the mattress, pinning it to the ceiling above the bed. Four years later, it's still there. (All together, now: "AWW!")

5. When do you put your decorations up?
The first weekend of December. They usually come down the weekend after New Year's Day (if not New Year's Day itself).

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
All of them? HA! My family always does hot appetizers, meats, cheeses, veggies, dip, etc. When Nick was little, he couldn't say "hors d'oeuvres" so he called it our "everything dinner." heh

Oh, and my baking is pretty damned good if I do say so myself.

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?
The year I was tricked into thinking I didn't get the Pound Puppy I really, really, really wanted because it was wrapped in a weed eater box.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
No clue. That was a LONG time ago. I'm old, yo.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
I can't remember when it started, but this is a tradition that we still do, and it's awesome. :)

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
My mom likes colour-coordinated trees (as in even the wrapping paper needs to match). So, because I'm all rebellious like that, mine is a hodge podge of cute, quirky, eclectic ornaments. AND NO TINSEL OR TINSEL-Y GARLAND! Just ribbon and beads, plzkthx.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
Do I have to drive in it? Heh. Snow is great, but we usually get it in November and January with... a green, rainy Christmas. I *love* a white Christmas, though.

12. Can you ice skate?
Erm, sort of? I haven't been in years, but I never broke a bone or anything.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
As a kid, see the Pound Puppy above. As an adult, it would have to be my necklace from Chebbar. Which I didn't get until Valentine's Day (he wasn't working at Christmas). Made it extra special.

14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you?
Spending time with loved ones.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?
HAAAAA! All of them! Butter tarts.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Everything dinner. Opening a gift on Christmas Eve. Drunken board games. Christmas in general?

17. What tops your tree?
A small, kinda lame gold spray painted grape vine-y unlit star because the top branch is ridiculously spindly.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Oh god, giving! I know it's not supposed to be about the gifts, but it is for me. (Which, given the fact we can't afford gifts this year, has kind of made me a little grinchy this year.)

19. Candy canes:
Meh.

20. Favorite Christmas show?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

21. Saddest Christmas song?
"Christmas Shoes" makes me want to barf. While killing kittens. And making babies cry.

22. What is your favorite Christmas song?
"Carol of the Bells" and "O Holy Night."

23. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper all the way.

24. Real tree or artificial?
I would love a real tree - love the smell! - but it's too much of a pain in an apartment, so artificial until we have a house.

25. Hardest person to buy for?
My brother.

26. Easiest person to buy for?
Chebbar.

27. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I can get away with EMAILING Christmas cards?!? Dude!

28. Worst gift you've ever received?
An Easter nightgown. In a child's size 10. When I was 19.

29. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
When I find a gift I want to buy. I usually start budgeting/saving for Christmas around August, though.

30. Have you ever regifted?
Yes... *side eye*

What is the single best thing we can do for our health?

2011-12-21T14:55:00.000-08:00

Walk. That's it: walk. For half an hour. Thirty little minutes.

Can you limit your sitting and sleeping to just 23 1/2 hours a day?

After the emofest on Monday, this pretty much took my breath away.

Well, yeah, self: I dare you.

How do you get past abandonment issues?

2011-12-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

When I was seven, my world fell apart. My parents separated; when Mom couldn't make ends meet, Nick moved back with Dad, and Mom and I moved in with my grandparents. Before long, my mom moved out, and I remained with my grandparents. My grandmother told me Mom left me there because she didn't want me anymore.

Growing up, I was praised for getting good grades and doing well in school; however, my parents weren't the type to ground me because I got a B instead of an A on my report card - there was no pressure that I recall. (The "worst" I can remember is having my grandfather, upon seeing a test with a 97% mark, look at me and ask where the other 3% was instead of praising me.) The only other thing I was ever complimented on was my skin: obviously, when it went to pot when I turned 27, it became a sore spot of shame and embarrassment for me.

I was the eldest child. I was expected to help out with my siblings and around the house. I was expected to set an example. I was expected to figure things out "correctly" the first time. I was the stereotypical first-born: conscientious, people-pleasing, reliable, perfectionist, "needy of approval."

I've been aware of my abandonment issues for quite awhile now. Poor Chebbar has been dealing with them for the last 4.5 years. I'm getting marginally better at not assuming he's going to leave me every time we disagree, but I'm still stuck on "have to do everything perfectly without needing help (or being a burden) or he'll get tired of me and top loving me."

Lately, though, things seem to have come full circle and my fear of being discarded is focused on Mom. Ever since she rekindled her relationship with Bev (at least, I *think* she's still talking to her: I have no clue) (and now that I've reread that post, the line about her not having a relationship with Bev if Bev doesn't apologize to me is sticking out like a sore thumb - I've received no apologies or anything else to signify that she'd like to make amends/try again), I've felt like things have changed. Chebbar insists that I'm not giving Mom enough credit and that, from what he's gotten to know of her in the 4.5 years we've been together, my mom would NEVER "abandon" me for anyone, let alone Bev.

But I can't help it. I don't remember the last time I saw her. I don't remember the last time we spoke on the phone. (And yes, I know the phone works both ways: however, she's my MOM - if anyone's going to know something is up with me just by my voice, it's her. I'm worried I won't be able to hide my anger/hurt/fear, and I'm not ready to tackle this head-on just yet.) The troll in my head gets hold of these thoughts like a dog with a bone and just won't. let. go.

I'm slowly starting to realize that I've been living my life from a place of fear. The self-loathing I experience is breathtaking: I hate myself for being weak, needing help, not being perfect, whatever, but then I go on to hate myself for even worrying about not being good enough and fearing abandonment. It's a vicious circle I can't seem to find my way out of.

I know I need to work on myself - my self-confidence, just being OKAY with who I am - but I don't even know where to start. The therapy appointment two weeks ago went well, but it resulted in the recommendation of group therapy that isn't set to start until mid-January. (I feel that the therapist's recommendation is valid and that I'll get a lot from the group, for the record.)

I have a feeling that this is just a comfortable, old "friend" to fall back on. I mean, let's face it: there's a hell of a lot of stress around here, what with neither of us working yet and Chebbar having applied for a job out of province (holy fuckballs!). But yeah. I had a breakdown on Tuesday; I had a breakdown on Saturday; I had a breakdown on Sunday. I'm not coping well (let's call a spade a spade: I'm shutting down and isolating again).

Today I feel okay. Hopeful. However, I worry this feeling will be fleeting.

Sunday Sound-Off

2011-12-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Shared it:

How To Explain Gay Rights To An Idiot via BuzzFeed
Marc and Angel Hack Life share 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself
@elishadew of My Thunder Thighs hits the nail on the head with Writing My Own Story
How To Create Your Perfect Day In Work And Play via Tiny Buddha
@princessjenn explains the importance of being careful before being generous, especially this time of year with Grifting vs. Gifting

Grateful for it:

Decorating the Christmas tree
Knowing thoughts are hormonal
Knowing bad days will end
Sugar cookies
Chebbar <3

Body Lovin' Homework - Week 4

2011-12-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

Week 1
Week 2
Week 3

My body allows me to... walk and skip and run and dance. It allows me to move about my day without a second thought. It allows me to work, play, and relax. My body allows me to do and see, to create and be. It allows me to love and be loved. It allows me to treat it poorly and with less respect than it deserves without turning its back on me. (Well, most of the time.) My body allows me to learn and grow. My body allows me to feel grounded and home.

I forgive... myself for hating who I am.
I forgive... myself for my inability to see the person so many others appreciate and love.
I forgive... myself for being hurtful.
I forgive... myself for not believing in myself.
I forgive... myself for treating myself so poorly.
I forgive... myself for treating myself worse than I'd treat my worst enemy.
I forgive... myself for my unreasonable expectations.
I forgive... myself for being so hard on myself.
I forgive... myself for blaming my body for what it has become.
I forgive... myself for not smartening up sooner.
I forgive... myself for not always getting it "right" or doing it "perfectly."
I forgive... myself for being so cruel to myself when I don't get it "right" or do it "perfectly."
I forgive... myself for expecting more of myself than I would ever dream of expecting from others.
I forgive... myself for not being kinder to me.
I forgive... myself for not showing myself more love and compassion.

If you're stuck for a holiday gift (or want to buy something for yourself!) consider the 2012 Blogger Body Calendar. Proceeds will benefit ViolenceUnsilenced.

I'm so gullible it hurts

2011-12-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

Chebbar [texting his buddy about the hockey games tonight]: Just wanted to say sorry for the Canucks' loss tonight, but it's okay - Montreal won.

Me [reading over his shoulder]: Ooh, that's cold! Glad I'm not on the receiving end of THAT one!

My cellphone sounds with a new message.

Me: Huh. I wonder who that is? Maybe it's my brother...

Chebbar starts shaking with silent laughter.

Me [as I open the text message]: What's so fun... Oh, fuck you! YOU SUCK! YOU SO SUCK! bwa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! I am SO gullible! I'm totally blogging about this.

How do you accept yourself when what you see in the mirror disgusts you?

2011-12-13T15:48:00.000-08:00

We were only going to Walmart. I went into the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started to throw on yoga pants and a hoodie. (Yes, I wear yoga pants when I'm not going to yoga: bite me.) Being that I was standing in front of the mirror, I had a lovely view of my double-chin and bingo wings. I did a mental "Ugh" and carried on.

Until Chebbar asked if we could go for lunch (sure): he'd text some friends and see if anyone else was available (oh, crap). The second he mentioned other people, my hand instinctively flew to my face. He went to brush his teeth, and the troll in my brain started flapping his gums.

"You aren't seriously considering leaving the house like THAT, are you? You look GROSS. You should at LEAST have a shower and do your hair properly. People are going to LAUGH at you."

I was completely overwhelmed and bordering on an anxiety attack when I went down the hall to grudgingly tell Chebbar I'd have to have a shower: "No problem. Your showers are quick - we have over an hour." I guess maybe I was looking for him to... say surprise, that he hadn't invited anyone? I don't even know. What I do know is that I pretty much acted like a bratty child as I stripped off my clothes, heaving each item violently toward the bed.

Enter shower: commence crying. I'm huge. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. I'm a fucking hippopotamus. I'm gross. I'm a fat pig. I'm disgusting. This is all my fault. I'm gross. If I could just LEARN to stop stuffing my cake hole and get off my fat ass, I wouldn't have this problem. I'm disgusting.

I have to stop denying that the weight I've gained isn't a big deal: my clothes don't fit comfortably anymore. However, I'm loathe to go buy bigger sizes because a) I don't want to ADMIT I need a larger size, b) I detest the idea of spending money on BIGGER clothes (because I secretly hope I wont NEED a bigger size for long), and c) we don't exactly have the money for me to go buy a new wardrobe right now. So one top of feeling shitty about myself, the fit of my clothes is making me physically uncomfortable.

I'm stuck in this place of not wanting to DIET (and, yes, partially because I like cookies, dammit) or fall back on workouts like I used to - exercise turned into a chore because I used it as a means to punish myself for being a fat, lazy, disgustingly gross slob. When I lost weight the first time, it's because I was bordering on Compulsive Exercising Disorder. Workouts ruled my life: if I had to miss a workout for any reason - stayed late at work, family event, sick - I would beat myself up to the point where I'd end up in tears... over ONE missed workout when I was working out SEVEN days a week! Not healthy. And since my body wasn't used to activity to that degree, it pretty much started shutting down on me within three months. I don't want to go back there, but it's the only thing I know gets results.

So how do you love - hell, I'd settle for just like at this point - yourself when SEEING yourself makes you feel ill and ashamed?

(This is 99% whore moan-related, and I'll probably feel better tomorrow, but the question still remains. In the meantime, maybe I'll go back and read some of the more positive posts I've written.)

Sunday Sound-Off

2011-12-11T16:44:00.001-08:00

How many of these 17 unproductive habits do you do? Can you let them go?

This year, don't forget to give yourself a gift: the gift of a break. (Doesn't that sound lovely?)

Thank your dog for growling - this was a very interesting read, and something I'm glad to have learned as a future dog owner.

Dr. Erik Steele discusses the importance of believing the unbelievable about child sexual abuse.

I adore Danette's tradition of writing herself a birthday letter every year - so cool!

The Gratitude Short List:

Sunny walks in the crisp almost-winter air
Going back to bed
The smell of a fresh, new box of tea
Chats with Aunt Becky
Getting over myself, ending the pity party, and decorating the Christmas tree!

Check it out! Band Back Together ornament from Zazzle! LOVE!