Chibi Jeebs

Day 28: The world is full of opportunities for growth and learning

2012-05-28T19:55:00.000-06:00

Today Gayle reminded us that, even though our time together is drawing to an end, our journey doesn't have to end here. She gave us a few tips, tricks, and ideas for opportunities to learn and grow. Her prompts are quite interesting and rather intriguing: I look forward to giving them a shot. :)

Sunday Sound-Off - The I'm-Gonna-Make-You-Cry Edition

2012-05-27T21:34:00.000-06:00

Shared it:

Give yourself 5 minutes of self-love (even *I* can do 5 minutes!).
The Fat Nutritionist helped me understand my body-mind disconnect (or my "reverse body dysmorphia, as I used to call it) when I see pictures of myself.
This little guy wouldn't wear his hearing aid because superheros don't wear hearing aids. Marvel? Made a hearing aid-wearing superhero. *wibbles*
I Want To Know What It's Like:

5. And to lighten the mood, Meme Proposal (because I'm sure you've all seen Isaac's Live Lip-Dup Proposal video by now, right?):

Appreciated it:

Date nights in honour of 5th anniversaries <3 (Oh, yeah. Did I tell you it was our 5th anniversary last Monday? Cuz it totally was.)
EFT (holy CRAP! I was SO skeptical, but shit, y'all - first time I'd had honest-to-Ceiling-Cat relief for my back pain (that was a solid 7, edging on 8) in SIX DAYS.)
A new duvet JUST for me! There's just something about the smell, sound, and weight of a duvet that gives me a big happy.
Skittles
Operation Awesome

Day 27: Focus on what I've done instead of on what I haven't

2012-05-27T15:48:00.001-06:00

Apparently, we can throw our ~~grading system~~ judgements out the window and just focus on learning and growing. Allegedly. If we commit to learning something well, we might not learn EVERYTHING, but we'll likely master a new skill. There's a lesson in everything: life is always trying to show us something - it's up to us to seek out the lesson.

Days 24-26: Catch-up time

2012-05-26T15:35:00.003-06:00

Day 24: Triangulation will trip me up
I left Thursday's post to be continued because I needed some help figuring out the concept. My old habit (believing I'm not good enough) can "triangulate" when I let it affect my reactions or how I think of myself - if someone were to make a derogatory comment to me (making him/her the persecutor) and I tearfully recount it to Chebbar, I make myself the victim; if he tells me it's okay/not true/to disregard it, he becomes my rescuer. Basically, it's allowing my old (bad) habit to crawl deep enough into my brain that I need to get affirmation from someone else to make me feel better.

Day 25: I can reflect on my future, too
Yesterday was meant to use the 4 R's to plan ahead for the (long weekend in the States) and look for any pitfalls I may encounter with my old habit.

Reflect: think of what's ahead of you; imagine what you might encounter.
Well, I start the new job on Monday, which seems like the PERFECT breeding ground for "I'm not good enough" thoughts...

Review: any opportunities for breakthroughs? any potential pitfalls that might cause setbacks?
I doubt I'll see any breakthroughs until at LEAST the middle of the week. Heh ;) There aren't any physical, literal pitfalls (if I hadn't had luck with the shopping/new clothes last weekend, shopping this close to D-Day would've caused MAJOR stress), but the troll in my brain isn't always my BFF.

Reconcile regrets: what regrets could I collect? how can I do things differently?
Hmm... Not sure. I do have *some* regrets over leaving the old job, but only ones that born of guilt - I should have stayed: I wasn't there very long, they hadn't found a replacement yet, (most of) the people weren't bad (most of the time), it wasn't THAT bad... I'll regret it if I waste the entire weekend worrying about Monday, so I'm going to do my best to enjoy my time and not worry about something I have no control over.

Recommit: to my new mental habit (I *am* good enough).

Day 26: I am teachable and curious
Today's lesson is to remain curious and open to learning something from everything we do - to look for even just one thing about a situation that makes it worthwhile. I really like the "just one thing" idea: how easy is it to use that inspiration to make the best of any situation? You ONLY have to find ONE thing!

Source

Day 24: Triangulation will trip me up

2012-05-24T21:26:00.000-06:00

When I read today's email, I was first confused by the concept of triangulation A Beautiful Mess presented. Well, I understood the concept, but not how it applies - the examples she gave seemed legit (read: not "bad" things). Triangulation occurs when two people talk about a third while the third is not present/available: Mom talking to her daughter about Dad's affair, or brother tattling to parent about sister.

ABM's hypothesis is that a portion of our old habit is a result of triangulation with others: this is where I get lost. My old habit (believing I'm unworthy) is in triangulation with me? About whom? With someone else about me? Who? HOW?!?

I've asked for some help in sorting this out, so this post will be continued...

Day 23: Don't let the crazy-makers make me crazy!

2012-05-23T19:47:00.004-06:00

Sooooo, I'm supposed to identify the drama queens/kings in my life, the people who don't want me to be healthy or want me to succeed because I won't be of as much use to them... Oof. I've compiled my list, but I'm not going to share it. Apparently, I need to learn to set boundaries! BWA HA HA HA HAAAAAA

Where have I heard that before? Oh, EVERYWHERE. *snort*

Suffice it to say, I've distanced myself from one drama source and pretty much cut off another; as well, with every little bit of confidence I gain with all my dippy-hippie woo-woo self-help stuff, I feel more empowered and capable to stand up for myself. So there's that.

Source

Day 22: I have the power to choose...

2012-05-22T19:40:00.002-06:00

...and not choosing is a choice. I'm supposed to exercise my power/right/ability to choose: how I play the cards dealt to me is up to me. I like this idea - it gives me back some of the control I seem to like so much. ;)

Source

Day 21: I can't and don't mean I won't

2012-05-21T19:34:00.001-06:00

Woo hoo! Three weeks down, one to go!

Today we're learning that "I can't" and "I don't (know how)" are just self-imposed limitations: what they actually mean is "I won't." We tend to lean toward just giving up and believing these self-imposed limits instead of questioning them or trying again/harder/from a different angle. So, we're supposed to examine our "can'ts" and "don'ts" to see if we *really* mean we "won't."

I know I believe "I can't" more often than I should: for the perfectionist in me, it's easier to give up before I start than to try and potentially fail - the fear of failure can freeze me. I also know from Day 15 that I'm really good at making excuses and getting in my own way. I'm going to do my best to try to be more aware of the "can'ts" and "dont's" and examine what I actually mean.

Sunday Sound-Off

2012-05-20T21:07:00.003-06:00

Shared it:

Noted it:

Staying in my jammies alllllll day
A new job! :D
My grew flats
Our first rent cheque
Apologies

His head bobble Yoda will.

Day 20: I'm worth celebrating!

2012-05-20T10:16:00.002-06:00

Me? Really? *blushes* Doesn't feel like it!

I've never been a fan of being the center of attention, so the idea of being celebrated kinda makes me squirm. But, today I'm supposed to celebrate that I've made it this far through the process - apparently you're supposed to celebrate along the way to a goal. Who knew?!? I mean, it makes sense: if I celebrate how much work I've done, progress I've made, and how far I've come, chances are it will help keep me motivated to continue, right?

"Remember you are a remarkably beautiful mess. Just the fact that you even signed up for this class is worth celebrating." ~ A Beautiful Mess Inside

Source

Day 19: Tension is my friend

2012-05-19T18:15:00.003-06:00

Flexibility is the key to success in commitment. That seems so simply and straight-forward, you'd think we would all just *know* that - relationships, goals, habit-changing, fitness plans, etc. Yet reading this was certainly a light bulb moment for me!

Also? Tension leads to action. Tension is my friend. Allegedly. I need to embrace tension and allow it to guide me toward action. Apparently.

(I hate being tense.)

Source

Day 18: Commitment comes first...

2012-05-18T22:04:00.001-06:00

...how to commit comes second.

"There is a difference between being committed to change and just being involved in it. Involvement suggests only participating in or working at something. Commitment suggests an earnest promise and dedication to the change."

Huh. Makes sense, no? May be why I've had problems sticking with this type of stuff in the past: I've been involved, but as interest waned... Whoops!

Day 17: Reflect, review, reconcile, and recommit

2012-05-17T20:23:00.001-06:00

The 4-R's are a check-in tool to gauge our progress.

Reflect on your day - how did you do with your intention?
Review - what worked? what didn't?
Reconcile regrets - forgive and figure out what you'll focus on tomorrow
Recommit to your intention.

Today went okay as far as repeating my intention to myself. I even had the opportunity to use my word in another way that still worked toward my intention (telling my troll that I'd had "ENOUGH!" of the negative chatter) - that was kind of cool!

Well, clearly repeating it worked (and/or repeating it IS working). I can't think of anything that didn't/isn't working.

Also can't think of any regrets...

And since this seems to be working okay, recommitting is easy.

I'm feeling a little... unsure? of this process. I'm wondering if what I've chosen to work on isn't concrete enough - for example, if I had chosen to try to stop biting my nails, this process might be a little easier to solidify in my brain (if that makes sense). I don't know. I still have 13 days to go, so I'll reserve judgement.

Source

Day 16: Repetition is your friend

2012-05-16T20:33:00.001-06:00

Repeat, repeat, repeat! Just like Day 13, our task today is to continue repeating our intention/mantra. I can do that! I changed my stretching/breathing reminders to add affirmations, one of which is "You ARE enough." I've also been saying it to myself as I take my breathing breaks.

Source

Day 15: Today I'm getting out of my own way

2012-05-15T19:35:00.003-06:00

Hoo, boy! No wonder A Beautiful Mess gave us the day off yesterday: she got TOUGH today! I was supposed to use my silent witness to observe the excuses I make and blow my cover - excuses are those things that masquerade as "good" reasons. Ouch. Is "I just don't want to" considered an excuse? Heh.
My top five excuses?

I don't have time/it's too late/I'm too tired.
I'm scared.
It will hurt.
I'll only do it wrong/screw it up.
I'll look stupid/people will laugh at/judge me.

What excuses do you use to get out of things?

Source

Day 14: Take a break (but wish me luck before you do?)

2012-05-14T12:54:00.001-06:00

Okay, done!

In other news, wish me luck? I go for interview #2 in about half an hour. I think I'd LOVE this job. I'm nervous-excited-anxious-pukey-hopeful-scared.

UR GOOD LIKE VIBES: SEND 'EM 2 ME!!! ;)

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Day 13: Remember to remember

2012-05-13T19:20:00.001-06:00

We're told that repetition is a great way to make something stick in our long-term memories. So, we've been tasked to repeat our mantra and intention, and listen to our anthem, as much as possible (it was suggested we set hourly reminders to stop, breathe, and repeat the word - luckily for me, I already do the stopping and breathing every hour part).

Source

Sunday Sound-Off

2012-05-13T17:16:00.002-06:00

Shared it:

How to stop being a victim of your mental chatter (timely, no?)
Gretchen Rubin shares 5 myths about fighting the blues
A great post about mothering and motherlessness from Being Mama
I am nobody's mother and I never will be via CNN
Life Hacker shares the weekly review

Noted it:

Interview opportunities
A cool morning breeze through the car window
Sleeping through the WHOLE! NIGHT! :D (This is a momentous occasion: it usually only happens once or twice a year!)
Birthday brunches
Spending the day in my jammies

Day 12: It's okay to stop and catch my breath

2012-05-12T22:31:00.000-06:00

When I caught my troll comparing myself to a woman in the restaurant this morning, I was able to stop, take a breath, and repeat my mantra to myself a few times until I was able to smile and move on. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I'm me. That's good enough. Period.

Today, A Beautiful Mess is encouraging us to choose an anthem. Well, I have an ever-growing list of self-esteem songs to lift my spirits, so I have LOTS to choose from - too many, probably! If I have to pick just one, though, I'm going with Pink's F*ckin Perfect:

She's also suggested making a collage, but I already have a decent board for my 2012 goal of self-love and another for self-esteem and acceptance (there's lots of good, inspirational stuff over there if you need a lift!).

Day 11: Melt it down to one word

2012-05-11T20:45:00.001-06:00

I'm taking my intention down to one word, folks. For someone who leans toward verbose mofo, that's HARD! Ha!

Ready? My new mantra is... [enter drum roll here]

Because I am, y'know.

Day 10: Change doesn't have to be hard

2012-05-10T19:57:00.000-06:00

So, today I'm tasked with creating a new intention to replace my old mental habit. The mental habit/chatter I chose to focus on was "I'm not good enough."

Here goes nothing!

I'm not good enough? For what? According to whom? I am who I am. Lots of people love me: clearly they think I'm good enough. Y'know why? Because I am good enough.

I! AM! GOOD ENOUGH!

Source

Day 9: I can change the way I think

2012-05-09T20:52:00.001-06:00

I am supposed to look back at yesterday's list and choose one thing I'd like to change. Normally I'd crack a wise-ass remark, but it's time I take this journey to betterment - myself - seriously.

I want to change the way I see/think of myself. I want to stop thinking I'm not good enough because that thought pattern makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed, inferior, judged, mocked, unliked, unlovable, and abandonable (is so a word: hush); because it causes me to question myself and doubt myself and hate myself; because it hurts me.

Let's DO this, people!

Source

Day 8: It's okay to notice the mess

2012-05-08T20:32:00.001-06:00

Today is a recap of the last week...

Start where you are: where are you in your life?
I'm... here. Still fairly new to the city/being away from our family. Still new at this job. Interviewing for new jobs. Not unhappy, but not completely content, either. I feel like I've lost the progress I was making in getting to know myself and learning to love me.

Breathing is highly underrated: what did you notice about your breathing patterns?
Since I started the hourly reminders to stop for a stretching and breathing break about a year ago, I'm far more aware of my breath than I used to be: I know in the past, my breathing would get shallow when I was tense. I'm able to be a little more mindful about my breathing and cognizant of the fact that taking a few, deep breaths really does have a calming effect.

Meet your silent witness: were you able to step back and observe your own reactions and interactions? Were you able to leave your judgements aside?
I was semi-successful at observing my reactions, but I clearly missed (chose to miss?) the part about observing my interactions, as I didn't do that at all - whoops! And no, I wasn't very successful at leaving my judgements aside: I'm hoping this little course will help me with that!

What do you need: what was it like to check in with your bodily needs?
This wasn't really new for me - I make sure I drink water throughout the day; I try to eat when I'm hungry (and stop when I'm full); and I have zero compunction about getting up to go pee if I have to: I'm not chained to my desk (nor will I be).

What are you thinking about: what negative mental habits did you discover? Which ones do you consider your worst?
ALL of my mental chatter is negative! The troll in my head is viciously nasty. The simple fact that I allow myself to talk to myself that way is my "worst."

What do you see and hear: how does what you see and hear affect how you think?
Again, I judge myself (harshly). I'm also very sensitive to over-stimulation from background noise.

You don't have to stick to your story: what story lines do you have running around about yourself and others? Is there a narrative? What emotions dominate your day?
The pretty much constant story lines involve me not being good enough and others judging me. Shame, embarrassment, and fear are emotions that visit me often.

There is a beautiful mess inside you: what stood out, surprised you, had a big emotional impact? Did you have an "aha" moment? What patterns were notable?
Mmm, the silent witness exercise was the toughest one for me. The rest of it - the negative thoughts, the mental chatter, the self-judgement - are all old news to me.

Day 7: I don't have to stick to my story

2012-05-07T19:41:00.000-06:00

Today we were to observe our feelings, what is going on inside of us, and the sensations that accompany these emotions. When I'm upset/stressed/angry, I tense up: my back, shoulders, and neck get super tight and painful. When I'm nervous, my stomach feels gross (as well as *ahem* another region).

The other side of this exercise is silently witnessing the stories I tell myself about things that happen (or don't, as the case may be) or about my moods/feelings/emotions - do I blame myself? Do I blame others?

Well, I bet we ALL know my answer to that: I blame MYSELF! Wheeeeee! It's always my fault. It's always a shortcoming of mine. It's always something I could have done better or tried harder to do. Hell, Chebbar can be a little cranky because he didn't sleep well (not my fault), and I'll assume I've done something to piss him off, annoy, or upset him, even when he TELLS ME it has nothing to do with me! (Yes, I've been called a martyr before: hush.)

Apparently experts agree that you change the way you feel if you change the way you think. I'm VERY interested in getting to this portion of the course!

Source

Sunday Sound-Off

2012-05-06T19:56:00.000-06:00

Shared it:

@mooshinindy's awesome birthday post, curves, love, strength, and beauty.
The Quiet Place is pretty cool.
How to avoid burnout and take a digital break via @tinybuddha.
Shout out to mah girl @alotofnothing for her post, Women Are Not Juniors, Nor Are We Unisex. GAH.
This video right here? This is why I adore @thebloggess. From her post, Depression Lies:

Noted it:

The end of a crappy day
Hot showers
Lunch hour chiro appointments
Root beer floats
Awesome clouds