Chic Mama

What's in my bag?

2010-03-15T09:44:00.001Z

I have been tagged by the gorgeous and very talented Dulwich Divorcee (did you know she has just had a book published) in the hand bag meme. I hope the contents of my bag aren't too recognisable....they are very boring. I was hoping to find something weird and wonderful in there to wow you all but no, it is all very very boring.

I bought this Chloe bag years ago in Selfridges, it was an impulse buy but one which I absolutely love. The leather is so so soft and you can't tell it is Chloe unless you look at the underneath where it is studded 'Chloe'. I love it.

And here are the messy contents- click on picture if you want a really good look!

So, I have hand cream everywhere...the car, next to my bed, in the kitchen drawers and in my bag. If you suffer with very dry sore hands you can't beat neutrogena hand cream.
-Kiehls lip balm- smells of vanilla, lovely!
-Kiehls lip gloss-I have several different colours.
-A diary, two notebooks for making notes of various sorts including ideas for blog posts
-My favourite Mac 'feel so fine' lipstick
-Ignatia- a homeopathic remedy that stops tears in their tracks!
-An Orla Kiely purse that I got given free after spending many many hundreds of pounds in their shop on a coat and bag many moons ago. I like it's simple design although it's not very organised for bank cards.
-Glass nail file- you can't beat them for filing nails!
-Chocolate- definitely not for me!
-A soya bean. No idea why there is a stray soya bean in my bag
-2 pence! what??Where are all the missing two pound coins? 2 p!!!??? :0(
-Rose quartz- to heal my heart
-Hematite- to make me feel stronger
-Rubbish, this was just a small example, I was too embarrassed to show you how many bits of paper and tissues I had floating in my bag

So, please indulge me, Dulwich Mum, Gigi, Eternally Distracted and The Divorcee Dares To Dream, I would love to know what is in your bag!!

Stress levels in children and the consequences

2010-03-13T12:14:00.003Z

We all need to be concerned. We are raising a generation of highly stressed children and if we're not careful this ticking time bomb is going to blow up in our faces when these children get older. Our children are expected to do so much and are under considerable pressure that it's no wonder that the number of children self harming has increased at an alarming rate. The UK has the highest number of self-harmers in Europe and apparently 24,000 teenagers are admitted to hospital every year here because of self-harming.
Self harming is not a new phenomenon it's just become 'trendy' thanks to media and social websites but the devastation it causes is horrendous. Although the reasons children self-harm is very complex, the government should be looking at ways to decrease our children's stress levels. For more information there is this excellent website.

In light of the startling recent media coverage on the increase in children self-harming I wanted to do a long overdue update on my worries about my children and obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. If you are a new reader or missed the original post, here it is again.

Since writing that post I met with a respected authority on the subject who talked about her own experiences with OCD. She also gave me a great little booklet that has recently been published for parents of children with OCD by the OCD-UK charity.

The recommended treatment for OCD in children is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. This involves talking therapy and giving the child the necessary 'tools' to help them overcome the OCD. The counting that my seven year old was being distressed about was taking over her life, she was missing things we said, her short term memory was terrible and she would be vacantly staring into space a lot of the time. We tried CBT with my daughter, she has had one session and the constant counting has reduced to virtually nil. She was talked through a forest, a little house that she can retreat to when she is bombarded with these numbers and she did some drawing therapy too to draw her little safe retreat thus reinforcing it into her memory to use in times of stress . I don't think this will be the end of it for her as it seems this is the way she reacts to stress but I think she feels better, and so do I, knowing that it is treatable and possible to overcome with a little work.

Treading Water

2010-03-11T13:13:00.000Z

Forgive this muddle of words and skipping from here, there, everywhere.
Have I done a treading water post before? Probably..... and if not, why not? I am staying afloat but only just. I'm not sure I have ever been as low as I am at the moment. I swing from despair, disbelief and anger to sobbing quietly in the corner to try and avoid the children from noticing. Unfortunately they have, the baby asked me this morning as I lifted him out of the cot, "Are you better now Mummy?" What am I doing to them? What is this doing to them?

At the weekend I went out, quite a posh do. A very rare invitation now-days, I wonder why? Even walking into this party is a blur, I had a drink and I can't remember the rest. All I know is I must have shown myself up and from a friend's texts this week there is concern. What the hell I did I don't know but I have been beating myself up about it ever since. I am ashamed I behaved that way. I can't even go out and have fun...this is seeping in everywhere.
I often wonder and question " Am I normal?" other people seem to get over break ups much more quickly but I am reminded by professionals that this isn't a normal scenario...most people don't quite have the battles I have had to face.
On one of my favourite blogs Family Affairs and Others this week though was this post.....at last someone has shown me that I am normal, I am grieving but I am also living daily in my own world war three through no fault of my own. So thank you L, I hope one day I can also post something like that which helps even one person know that they are not alone, not a freak!

I went to sleep sobbing last night after reading the latest 'nail in the coffin'. I woke this morning with that all too familiar feeling of dread, I can't help but think is this it? Is this what I spent eighteen years with this man for to be disregarded and insulted in this way. I'm sure I will blog about it in more detail another time and I am hoping he will not get away with it anyway but this man wants to give me nothing. For eighteen years I was told I was loved, that I was adored and now I am being treated with this contempt. I keep wondering what I can do to earn money, to be able to support my five children myself. I have no skills, to be honest, naively I didn't think it would matter......I put all my maternal skills into bringing up our children whilst supporting their father in building up his empire. Our empire, or so I thought. It seems now that I amount to nothing more than the unpaid nanny.

Then this morning I went to see my counsellor, I've no idea what she said or what we discussed to make this sudden sense of calm surround me. It may be gone later but I wanted to write while I feel this way. I am shaking as I type this, my stomach keeps clenching, I am freezing and shivering as I have been all week but I feel slightly stronger than I did last night. Last night when I was plotting ways I could escape for a few days. What I'd have to do to enable me stay in bed for a few days and not think!

The British law is an ass!

2010-03-07T20:47:00.000Z

Even as I start typing I'm not actually sure where this post is going to go. For some reason I am struggling to open up on my blog, maybe it's embarrassment, I really don't know. Maybe it's because I can't quite believe the way things have gone in my life....I think I am still in shock. Incredible as that sounds I know. I am finding it hard to understand what went wrong, how a perfectly normal, kind, gentle man can change so much and become so unimaginably venomous. I battle with this every single day. I truly wish I didn't.

I am all too aware that constantly dwelling on the bad in my life reinforces negative feelings, these stay with me all day, even seeping into my dreams at night. So, I have been writing elsewhere too, about happier events. It's still a fledgling but it does give me some joy. I don't have much time to devote to it at the moment though.

I've been wondering where I go with this blog......I feel guilty to keep offloading to you all, maybe that's why I've started to hold back. I'm also aware that if I want to help others, as yet I still don't know how, then I can't do it forever as a purple haired cartoon. My feelings at the moment swing from ousting myself to fleeing into the darkness defeated. Hide away in my cancerian shell. I cannot put into words how tired I feel at the moment, I wonder if life will ever get back to normal, even a night out is ruined by the sad feelings I have.

Here goes....*deep breath* I think I was divorced last week......I can't even bear to find out. It is too painful, even after all the crap this man has put me and our children through I feel distraught. I feel embarrassed to admit that.
From a practical point of view this isn't good. Nothing has been sorted out financially and I have no bargaining powers left. Holding on to the marriage certificate was the only way I could ensure that I may get something for me and the children. Instead of getting the millions that we should have got it seems that all I will pick up are half of his debts! Yet because of his deception his lifestyle won't be affected. I cannot believe that the British legal system has allowed this. All my respect for them is quashed! It seems the way to go is to cheat, lie, rob......that ensures you do well out of a divorce.
I have no money left to pay legal fees yet still won't qualify for legal aid. I am receiving just over 30% of the maintenance that I should be and yet I am told that a court order isn't enforceable. So, basically going to court to get these orders is fruitless if dealing with someone exhibiting psychopathic behaviour as the law allows them to do what they want.

So while my children's father joyously awaits the birth of his sixth child he is now free to marry, if he hasn't already, his girlfriend who has abetted this man in stripping the children and I of everything. This man is now free to flee the country to avoid his creditors, leaving them to take our house away. My children have had to leave their schools because of these two people's greed. My children are suffering so much...it breaks my heart to watch my daughters in so much pain. Whoever says children get over these changes quickly was wrong. The sadness I could see in my daughter's beautiful eyes on her birthday when she had to say goodbye to her old school friends after her party tore through me.
I am struggling to pay my bills, yet I can't sell my house. The list is endless...........

I so wish I had something happy to tell you.

An Impromptu New Look!

2010-02-28T21:09:00.002Z

An eventful day.......I went to bed worrying about my blog last night after @thatgirl39 tweeted to say she was having problems opening my blog. I had noticed it was behaving strangely recently but thought perhaps it was my laptop. I nearly got up to investigate but being so tired I managed to stay in bed and tell myself to worry about it today.

This morning I noticed that I couldn't see anyone's tweets on Twitter after 9 am.....it has just come back after nearly twelve hours. I think I may be addicted...I felt cut off and lonely, how sad is that!!

When I eventually got around to checking on my blog.....my template had disappeared- very strange but it has. No idea where it went but I thought "Great!" I had spent many an hour on it, tweaking it to my liking. After saving all my widgets on a test blog I found amazingly quickly a template that I liked and uploaded it. It was the easiest template I have used and it saved my widgets! What a result!
So...I have an impromptu new look.....hope you like it!

I've been saving these little gems for a while, hoping to get a few more but it appears that my children don't say that many funny things! ;0)

But here goes....'out of the mouths of babes'

-"This cream leaves a funny aftertaste in my mouth, a bit cow like"

-"Mummy, Mummy! The grass is back!"

Me, "Can you help me shovel the snow please"
Son, "What snow?"
Me, "Err, the 100 tonnes of it in the garden!"

-Toddler crying, "Mummy fix my snowman" after it melts in the thaw

- Text from my teenager, " Is my football match on?" He was in bed, I was in my bedroom....okay we live in a large house ( for a few more months) but it's not Buckingham Palace!!

Sunshine on a rainy day

2010-02-25T20:08:00.004Z

This blog hasn't been very sunny and happy lately but I have kindly been awarded the Sunshine Award. Paula at Battling On and Irish Mammy on the run gave it to me, thank you both very much
There doesn't seem to be much sunshine outside here at the moment, just lots of rain, but to cheer us all up listen to the following:

The rules of this pretty Sunshine award are:

Pay it forward – nominate 12 bloggers
Put the logo on your sidebar or within a post
Link the nominees within your post
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award

We could all do with a bit of sunshine right now and some of these people need some extra loving, the others have had to put up with awful weather for absolutely weeks and the others just because....xxx
I hope it brings as much pleasure to them as it has to me.
I hereby award;

1. Now We Are Seven

2. Brighton Mum- Teenage Angst

3. Single Mummy

4. Moments from Suburbia

5. A Life Reclaimed

6. Gigi's Ramblings

7. Fab, Feisty and Fifty

8. Her Big Sad

9. Looking Fab in Your Forties

10.Life the universe and all that's in it

11.Family Affairs and Other Matters

12.The Green Stone Woman

I was also awarded this Kreativ Blogger award by Fashionable Mama a few weeks ago, I'm so sorry it's taken me forever to post it. Thank you so much. Please pop over to see Fashionable Mama, she really is a fashionista, missing Ireland, now living in Sweden and has recently returned to work after maternity leave to start a job in a foreign language- wow!!

The rules of this award are as follows

1. Copy the award to my blog

2. Insert a link to the person who nominated me

3. Tell you seven things about myself that I haven't told you before

4. Nominate seven other bloggers for the award

5. Link to their blogs

6. Tell the nominees about their award

Telling you seven things about myself is going to be hard, I think I've spilled my guts tenfold! ;0)

1. I am addicted to diet coke, I'm sure it's rotting my insides but I've got to have it! ;0/

2. I am an honest person yet I will hide chocolate from my children so that I can eat it.

3. I am painfully shy yet..

4. If I have a few glasses of wine I can be Miss Confident ( I wish that confidence could be packaged in a legal non harmful way)

5. I'm usually the last to leave a party...and a club....

6. I am really good at saving up money

7. I am not a particularly sentimental person

I would like to award this to the following blogs, some I have discovered recently but are oh so creative! :

1. Hibiscus

2. Is There a Plan B?

3. Make Do Mum

4. No wine on Wednesdays

5. Musings of a Geriatric Mummy

6. The ramblings of an everyday mummy

7. North West London Girl In The Country

Phew, I think I need a holiday, luckily I haven't got a job and a shame I don't get paid for the hours this has taken... ;0))

A Virtually Wordless Wednesday!

2010-02-24T14:52:00.000Z

A post was written but I don't want to subject you to it. Same old news....so I have done a visual representation of what is going on in my jumbled brain at the moment- just a bit of it anyway!

I have to find the strength somehow to get through the next few weeks, they are going to involve some of my worst nightmares, the worst things that could possibly happen for me and the children but I have to keep reminding myself that my children are healthy, we are lucky. Some people aren't so fortunate!

First Secret Post Club Gift

2010-02-22T10:52:00.000Z

I have always been fascinated by the post. As a young child I felt excited every time the postman delivered the letters even though there were only ever any for me on my birthday. Now days our post doesn't arrive until 12/1pm...so frustrating. If it's raining then we don't even get any.

Yet, even now I love getting post....the bills may pile up in the corner of the kitchen but I still hope for something interesting to turn up. An invitation maybe, a competition win ( one that I obviously haven't entered) a thank you card. If a letter arrives for one of the children I get all nosy holding it up to the light wondering what it could be, yes I know that's terrible but I can't help myself.

So, when I heard about Heather organising a Secret Post Club I couldn't resist. One an excuse to buy( and it will be buying because I can't make a thing!) lovely gifts for people I don't know and two receiving something from someone I don't know.

Last week I had totally forgotten that something may be arriving in the post very soon and so when I saw the white jiffy bag on the doorstep with pretty labels on and addressed to Ms C Mama I was thrilled.My first Secret Post Club gift had arrived!

I hid the gift to open when I was alone so I could savour the moment.

This is what was inside.......
And this is what was inside of the wrappings....

There was also a lovely note from Make do Mum.......I was gobsmacked, it was as though she had read everything in my blog. How did she know that I am a chocoholic, it was delicious by the way. That I never have enough bookmarks as I always have about ten books on the go at once? The crystal.....I had written a whole post about crystals and how much I believe in their healing properties. The stone is cherry quartz, I didn't have one before, it is good for healing emotional wounds. It is now safely tucked under my pillow.

And the book?

Make do Mum bought this book when she was travelling, I feel so honoured to be given this book! It is fantastic! 'The 100 Simple Secrets to Happy People' I have read so much already, it has 100 short chapters each one focusing on ways you can be happy- perfect for me isn't it.

I was moved to tears when I opened this gift, it seemed to be everything I need at the moment and I know Make do Mum had what she calls a 'cyber stalk' at my blog. So I'm saying a big thank you to her and a big thank you to Heather for coming up with this great idea.

Imploding/Exploding

2010-02-19T19:49:00.002Z

I've not been a great blogger lately......I've not been posting much and I've not kept up with reading all your posts either. Although I've been busy on a little project I am also struggling a bit if I'm honest.
I'm aware you must be so fed up with my constant moans and groans...especially after reading several posts this week as to what makes a good blogger.I'm surprised anyone reads this blog....but you do and I cannot put into words how grateful I am to you all. You will never know how much this blog has helped me over the last seven months.

Last week when I wrote this post I meant it, and I see the wisdom in it. So many of you do too...you are all so supportive. It is, oh so much harder to put into practise though and I've had a major wobble, I'm burying my head in the sand and having a childish tantrum! This week I'm feeling so fed up that He is likely to get away with all his lies and fraudulent behaviour and I'm questioning whether I will end up beating myself up for giving in at the last hurdle. I think because I am such a believer in justice/truth that to not get it seems such a blow.
Such a hard decision.....I expect I will give in but I am stubborn. I hate that he thinks he can tell me what to do and I will roll over and accept it.

On top of all the mess a solicitor's letter arrived informing me I have two weeks to find the tens of thousands of pounds that are owed to the children's school for their unpaid fees. Fees that should have been paid by my husband, fees that as their mother I am jointly liable for. Fees that should my husband go bankrupt as he is threatening to do I will be liable for. More equity, the little that there is, that will be lost from the house.They're not even at the school anymore.....they were asked to leave!

My mood changes so quickly, one minute I can feel angry, the next I am crying. I'm finding it so hard to hold my tears in to avoid distressing the children. I do feel as though I'm going to implode any time soon.

In my head I have been plotting all sorts of revenge, does that make me a bad person? Nothing illegal of course, just things such as press exposure, telling staff exactly what their boss is doing ( not that they'll be surprised, he is not held in high regard anymore) So childish, I've been so reasonable and restrained so far, I never cut up his clothes like some would, I've never threatened Silly Bloody Tart even though she has aided him in his deception. Oh well, I've always had a good imagination.

Obviously I am grateful for the food we have, the roof over our heads and our health but I can't think of anything else this week to write apart from the joy I felt when opening my first Secret Post Club gift. The thought that went into it was astonishing. I will tell you about it next week.

In the meantime, have a lovely weekend..........

Stories and Songs Meme

2010-02-17T15:41:00.001Z

I was tagged ever so long ago by the lovely Karen at Brighton Mum- Teenage Angst in two memes -
1. 'The 5 Most Memorable Memories of 2009'
2. 'Stories and Songs Meme'

I'm going to be a chicken and bail out of writing down my most memorable bits of 2009 because to be honest it's hard, the year is a blur and I don't think I can think of anything exciting enough to tell you. Oh hold on....just remembered a couple of things....not necessarily all good memories though-
1. I went on an internet date *blush*
2. I went to Wembley to see Take That on their Circus tour.
3. I kissed a man, first since my husband
4. I banged the back of my head after slipping on ice, after too much wine one night! *blush* again!
5. The baby said "I love you"

The song below is what I used to sing to the baby in my tummy in 1998. When she was born I continued singing it to her. It is 'I knew I loved you' by Savage Garden. If you listen to the words you will understand why it seemed so apt at the time.

I secretly knew that she was a girl, and as much as I adore my sons I had always dreamed of the things I would do with a daughter, that's what I would sing to her whilst she was growing inside me. The song still makes me feel gooey inside!

I will pass the Stories and Songs Meme on to the following blogs although if anyone wants to help themselves to the memorable moments of 2009 please do.

J'AIME MOI (LUVIN ME) because I know she loves songs!

Foodie Mummy

Forty Not Out

Hibiscus

Now We are Seven

I look forward to seeing what your favourite songs/memories are. Enjoy!!

Big changes on the horizon .....

2010-02-12T17:34:00.000Z

Is there something in the air? It seems to be that February is a common month for people to feel blue. I think in the UK we are especially fed up with the cold weather which seems to be endless at the moment. I know my family feel as though they haven't had a good run of school so far this term what with being snowed in for an eternity and also sickness. Not that I hear them complaining about it, one child has become an avid weather reader, praying everyday for signs of more snow.
On a positive note, the mornings are gradually getting lighter and the days slightly longer. When you live in the middle of nowhere I can't emphasize how great that feels.

I have made some big decisions over the last couple of days.
I can't do this anymore....I am exhausted, I have no money left to fight and for my sanity I am giving up. Well, that's what it feels like and I know I will probably beat myself up about it at some point but I need a break. All my reserves are spent, my health is worth more. I know I can live with myself at the end of this, He will have to face the music at some point. Hopefully it won't matter to me when it happens but I know that he will not get away with doing this. I will live to fight another day.
Everyone involved in this is disgusted with His behaviour.

I've said before that I want to help other women in my situation, the law absolutely stinks and whatever people think....women who stay at home to raise their children are treated as second class citizens. When I'm feeling replenished and rejuvenated I will get back to 'The Cause'. It's not important in the 'grand scheme of life'....it's not about saving lives or giving sick children holidays but I think it is important that the person left caring for the children when their partner relinquishes all responsibility should get what they deserve. Anyway, you know my feelings on the matter....lets just say that the children and I will be living on less than an eighth of what we were as a family before He left. I have the same bills, the same number of children...........

I do panic when I think about it but at the same time I am looking forward to being able to take full control of mine and the children's lives. We may at last be able to feel settled after such a long period of uncertainty.

I don't think I'd be normal if I said I don't miss the first class travel, five star hotels, eating out in restaurants, trips to the theatre.......but I really don't miss the greed and contempt that money seems to breed. What I am devastated about is my children's education, I think that is why I feel especially low at the moment. I realise they were lucky to go to such lovely schools but it hurts so much that their father would rather spend his money on silly bloody tart, cocaine and entertaining.
He has been described by professionals as a psychopath and the law has just fueled his delusional behaviour. It seems that prudent behaviour gets you nowhere, it just gives you a clear conscience. In the meantime, lies, even with evidence to prove them as such, reaps rewards. That...is what the law in this case seems to have declared.

Being Friday it is time again to do a gratitude list, this week I am grateful because

1. Though this is hard I know that I will be a stronger person when I am through the other side.
2. I see that I put my husband on a pedestal, I now realise I am a better person than he is.
3. I have earned respect.
4. I love the new things I have learned.
5. This in turn has made me proud of myself, something I would probably have never have experienced had my marriage continued.

A little food for thought-

' I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it' but..... I can control what happens now to me and the children. The decisions are mine and I am the best person to make them.

'Happy Weekend' to you all. x

Wordless Wednesday....nearly

2010-02-10T15:06:00.000Z

I'm feeling pretty down and bleak at the moment. I can't think of anything to write apart from the same as you've read so many times before. I'm not giving up but I also don't know how much more I can take. I just want to bury my head in the sand and emerge when it's all taken care of.
Also the baby is ill, I've got a cold and I've hurt my back.
Things are so very complicated and I don't know which route to take. Back to the homeopathic remedies I think, please bear with me while I try and get through this.

Carrot cake is probably one of my favourite cakes....I thought I'd let you all salivate over this picture!

Something completely different- I am very excited to be a part of 'The Secret Post Club' that Heather from Notes from Lapland has started. I have got the parcel all lovingly wrapped and ready to send. I really hope the recipient likes it as much as I do.
If anyone else is interested in taking part, contact Heather on the link above. It would be good to get some of my overseas 'buddies' involved. We all love receiving a surprise gift in the post, just for us!

'Be Happy'

2010-02-05T22:44:00.000Z

Where do I start? There's been a perpetual cloud hanging over me all week. Not, as far as I know, for any particular reason. I'm just getting increasingly frustrated- emails aren't, well not until today, being answered and I feel very unsupported and alone in a legal sense.

Today an email came and it does indeed seem as though the threats my husband has been making for a while now are about to be carried out. What upsets me more than anything is that I predicted this would happen nearly two years ago...I asked for help in preventing this. It is quite obvious to all that my husband is ill in someway. Why is/was there nothing that could be done to protect mine and my childrens home? What also makes me very very angry is the banks and credit card companies role in all of this. Why keep offering someone credit card after credit card and huge overdrafts when the previous ones aren't being paid? It infuriates me that people can do this...keep spending in a purposeful manner and then declare themselves bankrupt to avoid paying the lenders the money. Wouldn't you think people that do that deserve to go to prison. I promise you, going bankrupt will not affect my husband's lifestyle at all....he will have put money in place elsewhere. It will be the equity in my house that will pay off his debts anyway, equity that if we'd gone to court for a settlement he probably wouldn't have been awarded because of the money he has dissipated.

I understand there is a fine line between declaring someone unfit to make important decisions but come on....

It appears that the children and I are in a lose lose situation, that doesn't seem fair.

On a positive note it looks as though my husband's bubble could be about to burst. He is spiralling downwards but unlike eighteen months ago when I felt a glimmer of hope thinking he would hit rock bottom I've come to realise that these cycles happen. This could go on for years, he may never quite hit the floor ever!! I won't go on, I'm sure you get the picture.

I heard something today that made me smile in a wicked way but also makes me sad that my once respected sensible law abiding husband seems to have become the lowest of the low. It made me wonder about silly bloody tart....what does she think. Her boyfriend has been arrested at least two times since she has been with him. He now has at least one criminal record, he gets into fights, he looks about fifteen years older than when he left home....and he now says he hasn't any money ( though I don't believe that one) What a catch- eh for a youngish girl! My mantra pops up in my head "what goes around comes around"

My gratitude this week stems around my youngest. He gets me through everyday, I can't fail to smile when he gives me a cheeky grin. He says the funniest things. I am so grateful I have him, my family wouldn't feel complete without him. He lifts the whole family's spirits.

I wanted to share these words with you, they are written by Robert Holden who is the author of

'Be Happy'. The article is in this months Soul and Spirit magazine.

-'No matter how hard you try it is impossible to be grateful and depressed at the same time'

-'Happiness is never far away if you stay close to your values and your ethics'

-'Pain runs deep but joy runs even deeper'

-'Sometimes in order to be happy in the present moment, you have to be willing to give up all hope for a better past'

-'Keep smiling- unless you feel like crying. The key to happiness is not to be constantly positive- it is to be constantly honest'

OCD in children

2010-02-03T14:30:00.001Z

This wasn't a post I had planned to do right at this moment. I wanted to write about this when I had an outcome/closure/solution to one of the problems I am dealing with now.
However next week from 6th -13th February it is OCD Awareness Week and I thought in light of my current worry perhaps now would be a good time to highlight this increasingly prevalent condition.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a condition which causes people to experience repetitive and upsetting thoughts or behaviours.
OCD can cause obsessions and compulsions.

Obsessions can be with anything.....symmetry, fear of dirt, fear of harming someone, sexual thoughts...the list is endless. These thoughts are automatic and very difficult to control or get rid of.

A compulsion is an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way....or carrying out an act that reduces the anxiety felt by an obsession. This could involve excessive washing, counting, checking.....

Lots of us carry out 'rituals' but we don't obsess about them.
For people suffering with OCD this can be greatly distressing and draining, affecting work and family life.
For more information go to the OCDAction website.

There is a fair bit of research linking OCD and drug addiction, I won't quote it here because it is subjective and you can keep digging and delving about this correlation and the whys and wherefores. For example, some would say that people with OCD can use drink and drugs to 'blot' out obsessive thoughts and compulsions. Others would say that addiction is about pleasure-seeking ( haha..) whereas OCD is not a positive or rewarding condition. So, it's hard to say whether people suffering with addiction have a higher incidence of also being obesessive compulsive. Some doctors believe that OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, stress or a traumatic experience. Much like the claims often made as to the reasons behind addiction then.

To cut a really long story short, I have always known that one of my sons suffered with OC behaviour, I think now he keeps it 'under wraps' but I do keep an eye on him making sure he doesn't get too obsessed. Last year it came to my attention that another son was suffering. I asked him to try and get a hold of it and to let me know if it got worse.
Looking back, I now realise that my husband's 'quirky', strange at times, actions are in fact OC behaviour too. Looking even further back I can see that my mother in law also suffers with it, and I believe her mother did too.

Unfortunately this is what I have encountered recently - my six year old daughter said to me, " Mummy I have a problem." Another time she said, "There is something wrong with me." My stomach churns that already at her age, she is bothered and distressed by something so much that she sees it as a problem, and recognises it as one.

She can't stop counting.

I say this with a huge sigh and weight on my already burdened shoulders....she has had a lot to contend with- her beloved father left home, she's had to leave a school she loved and possibly a genetic predisposition. I'm sad that my daughter is sad, I'm sad that I can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
I've tried distracting her, it doesn't work. I don't know how often it happens but I think it is a lot.
Looking into OCD in childhood is a minefield....anxiety disorders, depression, low self-esteem. Interestingly though there is a link between streptoccocal infections ( the bug that usually causes sore throats) and short term OCD. See it here. My daughter had an unusual reaction to strep last year and it looks as though she had another reaction a couple of weeks ago. This will need more research.

I am looking into hypnotherapy for her, I want to blast this away for good- I don't know if it will be as easy as that though.
Any thoughts?

A Haute Mess Award

2010-02-01T17:56:00.000Z

I feel terrible, the lovely Gigi gave me this Haute Mess Award absolutely ages ago....sorry it's taken so long to post it Gigi.

Does this mean that I'm fashionably messy/ elegantly messy? Haha.....

As far as I'm aware there are no rules with this award but I pass it on with pleasure to the following people whose blogs I have recently discovered:

Foodie Mummy

Family Affairs

Auntie Gwen's Diary

Thank you again Gigi, you are too generous. X

It's Friday!

2010-01-29T14:36:00.000Z

Yes it's Friday again....and time for something a little more light hearted. It's a cute picture isn't it.

This week I am grateful for

-My car...without it all my hundreds of runs would be impossible.
-Some visitors on Sunday.
-Your support once again, especially some new 'friends' via Twitter and through blogging.
-Getting to watch about twelve episodes of Gossip Girl at the weekend, I know that sounds very lazy but I enjoyed it!
-Tiredness, when I get a chance not to be tired I will appreciate it so much more! ;0)
-Plans...lots of plans in my head and things to get excited about.
-Therapy...in the form of blogging, talking, thinking, reading
-Reading, I'm slowly getting back into reading, it's been a long time
-My camera....my only wish would be to get a more powererful zoom. I adore taking photos.
-Home made cake, and there has been lots, I won't be grateful for the extra pounds though, although I suppose they will keep me warm. ;0)
-For not snowing again, although we are on red alert...I will not run out of food this time.

I thought I'd share this picture of a storm that has just passed through here. I never get bored looking out at my view.

Happy Weekend!

And the voices said....

2010-01-27T21:04:00.048Z

Some of you have already read this....before I freaked last night and took it off. I am tentatively dipping my toes back in with it again. It may disappear once more. I spoke to someone today who asked me why I'm so hard on myself. I can only assume it's because I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable but everyone has a choice and if they don't want to read posts like this one then they don't have to. I shouldn't apologise for it but it's in my nature. Although I think I'm an open person I suppose that my 'falling apart' feelings are not ones that I wish my family to know or my close friends....I surmise that it's because I hate to appear to be doing anything less than coping. I don't 'do' public crying or breakdowns. I get embarrassed. I would hate any of them to know that this happened....and yet I have a compulsion to disclose it to you. Maybe I need to do it to start being honest to myself and others around me.

I'm not sure if this post is appropriate to share with the world wide web..... I may panic and remove it. I'm worried this is tempting fate but I am an honest person and feel as though I should write it down if only for my own benefit. A reminder of the despair I sometimes feel and yet have learned, since this day, that it was an unfounded despair and things that look bleak at that moment in time, need time to be digested and given a chance. It does seem that the crap things that happen in my life fuel an urge and emotion to put it down on paper. Maybe when my life is blissfully peaceful I won't have anything left to write about...we can but hope. Apologies in advance for the darkness behind this, and I am okay- honest

It was just one horrendous day too many.....I was speechless, literally dumbstruck. However hard I tried to talk to my companion the words wouldn't come out. My brain felt numb. My mouth dry.
I stood on the kerb, dangerously close to the edge willing something to hit me.....put me out of my misery, just a tragic accident, nothing more. Voices came from nowhere, totally unexpected and I wasn't prepared or strong enough to fight them. The voices in my head were screaming, "Just do it, do it...the pain will be obliterated in a few seconds."
One red double decker bus thundered past, then another. I could just make out faint muffled words in the background, "Please talk, please talk to me. I'm worried about you. I hate it when you're like this." The words in my head shouted in reply to my mother, "Just leave me alone, I want to be alone. I don't want you to see me falling apart. Stop looking at me!"
The voices rang out once again, "Just do it! Get rid of this pain. It serves them all right, let them all know how broken you are! They'll be no more worrying, no more feeling like a failure. No more pain!"
I stared forward, hardly daring to breathe, my head was pounding, my heart racing, the whoosh of the blood in my ears battling with voices. The sounds of the busy London street were muted, time stood still. It really did.

Tiny words of wisdom said, "Who will look after the children...they don't deserve to loose two parents..."
The lights changed red, the traffic stopped and my mother guided me safely across the road much to my indignation. I reluctantly allowed the new voices of reason in, telling me that I would survive, I had to survive....

This has been written as part of 'Sleep is for the Weak' Writing Workshop #11 prompt number 3
'What have the voices in your head been saying to you lately?'

Chambers and Beau Jewellery Giveaway

2010-01-27T09:47:00.001Z

Amy at Chambers and Beau is running a competition to win a piece of jewellery of your choice worth up to £150 from the new collection. These pieces are beautiful and are exactly what I'd buy for myself, if I had the money.

To be in with a chance of winning, all you have to do is mention the competition on your blog and leave a link to it in Amy's comments. You can also enter even if you don't have a blog, details can be found here.

A winner will be chosen randomly on Valentine's Day!! So there is hope for me yet, a piece of jewellery could still be coming my way! ;0)

Banana Oat Flapjacks

2010-01-26T14:05:00.001Z

I was asked a while ago to have a look at a website called All Recipes. It is packed full of family friendly recipes. For great cooks out there you can even share your recipes on the site for others to benefit from.

I have seen so many delights I want to make - 'Better Brownies,' 'Hot Milk Chocolate Cake,' 'Five Minute Chocolate Mug Cake' ( sounds great doesn't it), 'Arabian Lamb Mince' and 'Easy Peasy Potato, Onion and Bacon Bake.' Tempted? That's just for starters.

The site is very easy to move around, with categories including ingredients and special dietary requirements.

I thought I'd start off with a very simple recipe though- Banana Oat flapjacks. They look delicious and the recipe has only three stages! As I've written before I love using ingredients that would otherwise be thrown away and for some reason bananas aren't getting eaten quickly enough in our house at the moment - hence making Banana Bread not too long ago. So this is perfect...I use up food and they can go in the children's lunchboxes!

Banana Oat Flapjacks

1. Preheat oven to 180C/ Gas mark 4
2. Mix together the bananas, egg whites, milk and vanilla. Mix the dry ingredients separately and then combine both mixtures and beat together.
3. Bake in a 23x33 cm ( 9x13 inches) tin, greased or lined with parchment. Bake for about 35 minutes then cool and cut into bars. They can be sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon if desired.
4. Eat!

Ingredients
110g (4oz) porridge oats
110g (4oz) caster sugar
1 dessertspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
100g (3.5oz) sultanas
225g (8 oz) mashed bananas
4 tablespoons skimmed milk
2 egg whites
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

For similar recipes or if you need some inspiration for family meals pop over to All Recipes Uk , the recipes do appear to be very easy with clear instructions and I now have a long list of meals I am going to try. There is also a competition on the site to win a slow cooker.

'The Weekend'

2010-01-24T12:46:00.003Z

Why is contact between my husband and children so difficult? Are these teething problems or is it just the start of an even bigger decline of him in their lives.
I read other mother's posts about their children spending the weekend with Daddy, it all seems so easy and friendly. Is this because it is? Or are they used to it? Are they just being brave? Is their ex more reasonable maybe?

I've written about my husband's reluctance to spend much time with our children before. This is even though we have been through extensive childrens proceedings instigated by him. It was quite obvious to all involved that it was about winning and nothing to do with the children or their emotional well-being and safety.

This is so hard to write without ousting myself if the wrong people stumbled upon my blog. I want to write so much more.
The children are supposed to stay with their father overnight once a month. He makes it so difficult for us all. He doesn't want them until very late which would mean only about twenty four hours with the children. He won't do this and won't do that. I spent hours yesterday trying to sort things out so that the weekend would go smoothly, I cancelled all the childrens' commitments and I spent two hours composing an email to him. By the correspondence going back and forth last night it was obvious that he hadn't even read the email. It took about six emails from me, in which time my blood pressure was soaring and still no conclusion. It was about a safety issue and I just cannot understand what goes on in his head. Any lawyer looking at this correspondence would be flabbergasted at his behaviour, it is outrageous and unreasonable. Unfortunately my lawyer will have to intervene,once again. Will we spend years having these battles? Will we ever be able to sort this out amongst ourselves?

On top of the fact that he was being awkward and causing unnecessary stress to me meant that I couldn't even make any plans for my evening alone because he kept changing whether he was having them at all. In the end when I did know they were going to stay with him all my friends were busy.

I have to admit I find all of this depressing and whilst I am not expecting anything, that way I can't feel let down, I can't help being upset that nothing seems to be easy where my husband is involved. even contact with his children.

In all honesty I think it would be better if he just says he doesn't want them overnight. He's made it quite obvious. At least then we all know where we stand but these constant unnecessary disputes are wearing me down and I know the children can feel the reluctance on their father's part in seeing them. He has even started to say he can't see them/do this and that when their new sibling ( can't believe I'm saying that) arrives. As it is he only sees them, if he sticks to it, for just over thirty hours a month.

I realise that my husband is ill and it is quite obvious that he is still using cocaine ( why the hell didn't the court insist on six monthly drug tests?) although he won't admit it, but should I just cave in everytime? Although, this particular problem for this weekend there wasn't an option, either he had to do something or one of the children couldn't go. He didn't want to do it which left it to me. Should I allow him to dictate when he sees them and under what circumstances? Should I never make plans myself because chances are he's going to cancel or do something to spoil the weekend? Should I pick up the children that he refuses to because it doesn't fit in with him so that I know they've got to him safely, a one and a half/two hour round trip?

I'm not really putting my point across very well because my hands are tied to what I can say but if anyone has any advice maybe I could compile a post to help others in similar situations and there must be someone else out there having the same problems with contact. Surely?

Retail Therapy and Friday Thanks

2010-01-22T19:48:00.000Z

If I haven't stopped by your blog this week I'm sorry, I may have read it but not commented due to time constraints. I know I'm repeating a lot of what other people have said in previous posts- we all seem to have similar 'lack of time' problems. I'd like to have more time to spend reading blogs and writing posts ( although you may be glad I don't have the time..) but I am really struggling at the moment. In fact I am struggling in all aspects of my life- I honestly don't know where my time goes. I end up going to bed hours and hours after I should have so what do I do?
Maybe I should start writing a time diary in much the same way a food diary keeps track of the needless food eaten. Perhaps this would help me recognise where I'm going wrong in my time management.

I am utterly exhausted today, it's been brewing all week. Obviously eight hours sleep in two days is not good and when I have been sleeping for some strange reason it's not restful. My body aches, my eyes are stinging and yet for the last couple of weeks my brain is in overdrive. I have so many thoughts going around my head and yet not enough time to get them out. Perhaps it is time for another reiki treatment- that's one way my brain seems to get cleared of those little buzzy bees that crash around in my skull!
Anyway, I have lots I want to write about. I won't take up your time with it all today.

In the meantime;
I have had a busy week, I've been to London twice. I love the train journeys, all those hours of travelling mean time, guilt free time, to myself and I'm really into the first of the Sookie Stackhouse ( True Blood) books. Very easy reading, which is just what I need at the moment. I even managed to write a post on one of the trips up.

The London trips consisted of two completely contrasting visits. One for pleasure, one not! One cost me thousands of pounds, the other a lot less, although it was not completely restrained. Take your pick as to which one was which.
The awful trip felt like another waste of time and once again we are right back to square one. What a lot of money to spend to end up here again. The end is nigh though, it will definitely be over at some stage before the year is out. Yes, unfortunately the British court system takes a long time. If we get to this date ( which honestly is nearer next Christmas than the one we've just had) it will have taken two and a half years since my husband left to get some conclusion on these proceedings. That's if there is anything left to divide....at the rate of husband's spending, there won't be but lets hope the Judge takes pity on the children and I and agrees that my husband has had more than his share already. Enough of that today I will leave it for another post.

Then yesterday I went to London to meet fellow Blogger and Twitterer @Wildernesschic of Life,the universe and all that's in it fame! It was touch and go whether the meet was going to happen what with snow, illness, tiredness and nerves but we did and I had a lovely time. Wildernesschic is lovely and I'm so pleased we met up although I'm quite a few pounds sterling lighter.There was no way I was going to leave Harvey Nichols without a bag after Wildernesschic's bulging one, or was it two? I feel no guilt at all today and have no willpower anyway when it comes to shopping. The temptation that if I hadn't bought in the sale I would have spent a small fortune was just too great. I have the view that I saved a lot of money, not spent a lot. *Ahem*

Ssshhh, after we parted, I took myself off to Selfridges and purchased a few more items! I was so cross with myself though for forgetting to buy a Paul Smith bottle of water as written about by Westendmum this week.

So- a short gratitude list today for those at the back who are still awake;
1. I am grateful for a few snatched hours to myself on two train journeys to London. The time went too quickly and I was so absorbed in my book that I nearly missed my stop yesterday. That would have been a complete disaster.
2. I am happy to report that apart from the remains of a large lump of snow that was once an enormous snowman the rest has melted.
3. Thank you, oh thank you Harvey Nichols for your sale which saved me so much money!! Retail therapy is good for the soul!
4. Thank you Harvey Nichols for having those beautiful clothes that I bought in my size.
5. Thank you Wildernesschic for meeting up.
6. I am grateful that only three out of five children have been ill this week.
7. I am very grateful for my mother doing my childcare so I could have a day out on my own.
8. I am extremely grateful to my solicitor for working the last month towards my case virtually cost-free!

Oh Boy!!

2010-01-18T20:46:00.001Z

I've done a post about living with a teenage son before and I've been brooding on this particular subject for a while. Well since Christmas anyway.
Son aged fifteen has been a bit 'off' with me lately and being the sensitive soul that I am I can't help but analyze it, read into it, beat myself up about it etc....

It's the guilt mentality in me. If someone isn't happy, it must be my fault. It seems to be ingrained in my brain. I've been getting better lately and telling myself that I shouldn't assume that I am the cause of someone else's behaviour or upset but it's hard to stop a lifetime's habit though.

I feel I'm being taken advantage of and maybe even the situation is being exploited. My son is lazy, very lazy and he will delegate everything. If I ask him to do something you can bet he will pass the job onto one of the others complaining that his day at school is longer or he is exhausted after running ten miles ( exaggeration) Either he is very clever ( by avoiding these jobs) or he thinks he is too precious to do chores.

I'm not asking him to do his ironing ( even I don't do that!) or cook the dinner, these are simple quick jobs such as feed the dog or help empty the dishwasher. Just normal 'part of being a family' jobs.
He makes me feel guilty for asking, as if I wouldn't be asking if his father was still around.

I could feel some bad vibes brewing before Christmas but the situation worsened afterwards.
I give my son pocket money every month, it's quite a lot in my opinion considering I buy everything for him and he is at school most of the week so never really gets out to spend it. I do feel at fifteen he should get pocket money though. I also pay his set monthly mobile phone bill. I try not to comment on the designer items he does buy when he gets to the shops, it is his money after all, once it's left my account.

Anyhow, I kept asking him before Christmas if he needed to do any Christmas shopping...hint hint. I knew that the others had bought him Christmas presents as well as presents for me.
He continued saying he would go 'tomorrow'. Oh that sounds so familiar. :0(

Christmas day dawned....no presents from him to anyone. He hadn't even bothered to write the Christmas card to me that my mother had bought for him to give me.
I swallowed back my tears and received my card in the evening, after my mother had words with him. By then it was too late, the hurt was there. It felt even worse knowing that he had a present for his father.
I know this sounds so pathetic and needy but I slog my guts out for my children, I do it all alone. I don't want him to gush every five minutes how much he appreciates me, how great I am blah, blah. I just thought he would want to buy me a token present.
Their father spends approximately thirty hours a month with his children and the rest of the time basically doesn't give them a second thought! This isn't a bitter betrayed wife's opinion this is fact in black and white.

He knows he upset me but he has never said sorry.

To top it all, son number two who is hitting puberty right now and is having a tough time told me that I spend all the time on my laptop so why can't he play on his playstation all day if he wants. Fair question I guess?

Just wait until the post about my daughter....this is nothing!

Haiti and my Gratitude

2010-01-15T18:09:00.006Z

Update

English Mum had the great idea of setting up Bloggers For Haiti page to enable people to donate easily towards the ingenious Shelter Boxes. These boxes offer a lifeline to those poor devastated people who are in the middle of 'hell' at the moment and for the forseeable future.

Please help if you can by donating here or getting the world spread as far as possible. It only takes a couple of minutes and if you have a paypal account even quicker!

These people need our help and urgently.

Thank you.

Haiti, an already impoverished country was struck by a devastating earthquake on 12th January 2010

measuring 7.0 on the Richter scale has struck Haiti causing an unfolding humanitarian crisis. Children have been killed and injured — many are in desperate need of clean water, shelter and medical help. Early reports indicate a large number of casualties and widespread damage.

The situation for Haiti was already difficult before the earthquake hit the island. Haiti is the one of the poorest countries in the world and is struggling to recover from years of violence, insecurity and massive natural disasters. More than half of the country's 9.6 million inhabitants are under 21 years of age.

Taken from the Unicef Website

This week I am grateful for

1. A roof over our heads

2. Fresh, clean, safe water

3. My children being safe, healthy and unhurt

4. Adequate hospital facilities in the event that we need them

5. Plentiful food

6. The work of Aid agencies

7. For not living in a country which is susceptible to major natural disasters- the UK comes to a standstill with snow for goodness sake!

And

8. For living in a politically stable country

You can donate on all of these sites.

Unicef

Christian Aid

Oxfam

Disaster emergency Committee

You can now donate by paypal on the Oxfam and Unicef sites.

These donations help fund water kits, hygiene kits, latrines, buckets, medical attention and other necessities.

Cold feet

2010-01-12T22:12:00.000Z

I miss....

The warmth of your body in our cold bed
Your laughter
You saying, " I love you"
Your silent presence
Your presents
Your strong presence
Our cuddles
Your strong hands on my tense neck
Your cold feet on mine
Cadbury's creme eggs that you would buy me
Holding your hand
You holding me tight
The smell of your aftershave
Your smell
Your physical strength
Your reassurance
My best friend
You.......

This has been written for Writing Workshop # 9 prompt number 2 " Tell me about something that you miss " at Sleep is for the Weak

Top ten tips to avoid going mad whilst imprisoned due to snow

2010-01-11T11:35:00.001Z

Tearing your hair out?

I've compiled a list of the top ten ways to avoid going mad whilst being stuck at home with lots of children for many days due to heavy snowfall.
Firstly be prepared, be very prepared.When the weather forecast says it's going to be bad...TAKE HEED! Never be under prepared.....lesson learnt!! It's amazing what you can make do with but much more comfortable if you have stocked up well with essentials such as wine, wine, wine, chocolate, chocolate biscuits....oh and nappies!

10
The compulsory snowman competition.....beware though this can cause undue stress if the children start becoming too competitive, thus in turn start screaming and shouting and even fisticuffs which involve the younger ones, usually, ending up sodden and covered from head to toe in snow.

9
Take the children tobogganing. Guaranteed to exhaust them, especially toddlers who will most definitely spend the next few hours sleeping. Whilst they are sledging, wearing themselves out you can tweet on your mobile to your heart's content with a guilt free conscience. They're getting exercise and fresh air!

8
If you can't beat them, join them! It's actually quite fun building a snowman or something even more elaborate.

7
Give the children a bowl of icing and all the edible decorations you can find, a whole batch of fairy cakes and leave them! No need for the usual control freak behaviour, the cakes will not be on public display as no one can get anywhere near or by. Whilst this is happening, relax in another room. Hopefully this will buy you at least half an hour of peace. Don't even think about where all that chocolate icing is going or worry about the silver edible balls bouncing around the kitchen. Just chill!

6
Indulge in a bit of pamper time.....give yourself a manicure, pedicure and a hair mask treatment. Have a shower in the middle of the day. It's far too cold in the morning and come night time you'll be much too sozzled for it to be safe!

5
If it's getting really bad, find a room, broom cupboard, anything. Hide in there with a laptop, book, duvet whatever you want and ignore them. Don't ever tell them your secret hiding place. Don't forget to invest in some earplugs prior to any of these emergency situations.

4
Movie time! Get the children all settled to watch those new DVD's they got for Christmas so that you can do number 6. Provide marshmallows and popcorn. Finger's crossed they'll stay still for at least an hour and a half!

3
Ignore the usual wine o'clock.....hell you are trapped. You could even incorporate this with number 6 and try and pretend you're on a spa day. This may take some imagination if you don't stock up well. Shops a no go? Then break open anything you've got....vodka? Even may have to resort to the hock at the back of the cupboard that the MIL brought around years ago. Numbing the pain is key.

2
Needs must, if they're really driving you mad, get them kitted out for arctic conditions, put them outside and lock the door until it's dark.
You then have the whole afternoon to read, blog, sleep, eat....

1
Forget all plans of healthy eating! Crack open the wine, break open the boxes of chocolate. Fill up with dumplings, bread, biscuits! It's freezing, being cold burns up lots of calories -you need some comfort in this terrible weather.

Please note no children were harmed in the compilation of this list and of course I would never get sozzled whilst in charge of little munchkins..........oh or lock them out all day without at least one toilet break and a bar of chocolate in their pockets.