Facing divorce and stymied about how to tell your kids? Worried about how it will affect them? Hurting them with the news? What to say and not say? What they will do? How much to confide?

Well, you’re not alone.

There’s no doubt this might be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. Despite that, you must be prepared.

Here are the five mistakes most commonly made by parents. Be sure you don’t add stress to your children’s lives by making these errors.

• Exposing your children to parental conflict or fighting. Studies show that this does more damage to children than any other factor in their lives – whether in a divorced or still married family. Keep your battles away from your child’s eyes and ears to ensure they still get to have the childhood they deserve.

• Bad-mouthing their other parent. Any display of disrespectful behavior and  remarks about their other parent is hurtful to children. They may not tell you directly, but they feel the pain. Kids innately love both parents and want to protect them. Your voice tone, body language, snide comments, etc. add to your child’s stress at an already difficult time.

• Making your children choose between their parents. Don’t ask your children to make decisions or judgments regarding the parents they love. This puts enormous pressure on them. It’s your place to make all parenting decisions. Children feel guilty, anxious and confused when faced with such emotionally-charged choices.

• Forgetting to emphasize that your children are innocent. Often children blame themselves for their parent’s failed marriage. It is important to remind the kids often that they played no part in the decision to divorce. They are not to blame, even when their parents are fighting about them.

• Turning your children into confidants or therapists. Adults have trouble handling the emotions connected to divorce issues. Imagine how children feel when they are told biased or inappropriate information. It robs them of their childhood! Let your friends be your sounding board – not your children. Better yet, reach out to divorce experts for support.

The good news is lots of help is available to you from qualified professionals. For a more peaceful divorce, try mediation or an attorney specializing in the Amicable or Collaborative Divorce model. You can also speak to Divorce Coaches, Family Therapists and school Guidance Counselors. In addition, the Child-Centered Divorce Network has free and low-cost ebooks, e-courses and other valuable resources on telling kids about divorce, co-parenting successfully and moving on with your life.

Some highly recommended Tools include:

How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love

What makes this Internationally-acclaimed ebook, written by Rosalind Sedacca, CDC unique, is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for you! Rosalind uses fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough break-the-news conversation.

The innovative storybook approach gets parents on the right track for successful co-parenting to ensure the wellbeing of their children in the months and years to come – starting with that first crucial conversation with their children. It covers:

• When and how to break the divorce news to minimize anxiety
• The 6 key messages every child needs to hear
• How to follow-up after the divorce conversation to protect your child
• Dangerous mistakes to avoid during and long after your divorce
• How to co-parent effectively even if you don’t like your Ex

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com/coaching-programs/kids/ 

When Alcohol Is a Factor: A Tool to Help Protect Your Children 

Sometimes, the divorce conversation becomes even more complex when alcohol misuse plays a role in the separation. In those cases, children may already feel confused or fearful about a parent’s behavior. Reassuring your children that steps are being taken to ensure their safety and stability is key.

One tool that can help rebuild trust and create a safer co-parenting environment is Soberlink. Soberlink’s remote alcohol monitoring system provides a discreet court-admissible way to document sobriety and promote accountability. With Soberlink, a parent tests at scheduled times throughout the day, their identity is confirmed, and instant results are sent to your phone. This kind of transparency can offer peace of mind to co-parents, legal professionals, and most importantly, your children.

Soberlink’s advanced features include:

o          Discreet and Portable Breathalyzer
o          Instant Notification System
o          Intuitive Software
o          Built-In Facial Recognition & Tamper Sensors
o          Expert In-House Support

By helping to maintain child safety while supporting a parent and sobriety, Soberlink can play a meaningful role in a healthy post-divorce dynamic, especially if alcohol was a contributing factor in the breakup.

https://www.soberlink.com/divorce/family-law

Anger Management for Co-Parents 8-Hour Course

Managing your anger is always important. When you’re a divorced parent, it’s crucially important. Unmanaged anger can destroy your life and the life of others around you.

This easy-to-use course is designed to give you the practical skills and strategies you need for managing your stress and anger. Co-created by Divorce Coach Rosalind Sedacca, CDC and psychotherapist Amy Sherman, LMHC, the course  integrates material to read, short videos to watch, exercises to try, quizzes, and more.

Discover new and better ways to:

o          Set limits and respond when you are angry
o          Cope with difficult emotions, feelings and experiences
o          Handle people who push your buttons and overstep their boundaries
o          Identify your “red flag” warning signs in advance
o          Communicate with your co-parent and children when you’re upset
o          Behave when you feel your rage mounting
o          Co-parent more effectively without abusing your power

The steps, suggestions, and advice will help you be more empathic toward your family and others. It will also guide you toward choosing more assertive and less aggressive behaviors. And you’ll learn more successful co-parenting skills to make home life and custody arrangements easier for the children in your care.

https://www.AngerConflictPrograms.com

Don’t underestimate how seriously your children will be impacted by the divorce news. Speak gently, with compassion and love. Avoid the pitfalls that make a tough conversation even tougher on your kids. With care and consideration, you can set the stage for a positive future for both you and the children you love.

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Rosalind Sedacca, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She has created numerous books, courses and programs to help parents make the best decisions before, during and long after divorce. To get Rosalind’s free ebook about Post-Divorce Parenting, as well as her coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Tips and Tools To Effectively Talk Divorce With Your Children appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Attentive communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially
when children are involved. Moving on after divorce can also be
challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as
well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your
marriage. Having seen that relationship end can make you insecure
about facing new relationships ahead. So take the time to
go within, learn from your mistakes, and understand the lessons from
your marriage. That will help you determine new ways to approach future
relationships. In time you will feel ready to step back out
into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of
breaking the news to your children.

Be Mindful, Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to
talk to them about your starting to date. The rapport you have with
them and closeness within your own relationship with the kids will
also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, your children are smarter than you think. They can pick
up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to
be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential
partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions
on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about
yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind
them how much you love them and how important they are in your life.

Emphasize that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – ever!
Explain that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always
been and that they always come first in your life. Be very clear
that no one will ever replace their other parent either!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several
weeks or months. That gives your kids time to digest the concept and
express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to
ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and
understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.

Be Very Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children to every new person you date. You can
let them know that you are going out with friends every once in a
while, if they ask. But don’t bring causal relationship partners
into their world. This can be confusing for children and
disappointing for them. Especially, if the new partner they meet disappears or
gets replaced a few weeks or months later.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare
the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short
intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask the
kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your
partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened
by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger.

How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their
long-term relationship with the children. So be careful,
considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, make
sure you choose a partner who treats your children well.

Be areare of the other parent’s place in your child’s life

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents
are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives
without distress. Because they feel safe in their relationship with
Mom and Dad, they are less likely to be threatened by a new adult
entering the picture. When one biological parent disrespects and
disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive. That
makes them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner
entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce.
Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will be
affecting your children. Putting yourself in their place will give
you insight into what it can be like to find Mom or Dad with a new
partner. Talking with a therapist, divorce or relationship coach can be
quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

***    ***    ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. She’s also the host of the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living podcast. She has written several books,, e-courses and programs on divorce and co-parenting issues. Rosalind provides personal coaching to parents around the world to help them protect their innocent children during and long after divorce. To learn more, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

The post Dating After Divorce: Use Caution When Telling Your Kids! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Pets help children cope with divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to some mutual agreements. 

Consistency eases post-divorce adjustment

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life.

In families where both parents dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between parents. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your co-parent and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.

Agree to disagree == and move on respectfully!

If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in both parents’ homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and consistency between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is the founder and Director of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information on her ebooks, courses, programs, coaching services and other valuable resources, go to: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post Consistent Co-parenting Is a Blessing For Children of Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the structure. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.

Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:

Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.

Create routine co-parent check-ins:

The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.

Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:

Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email or texts to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.

Be compassionate with your in-laws:

Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.

Flexibility is always crucial:

Above all, be flexible. Life gets in the way of structure, schedules and plans. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Do favors for one another. Don’t play tit for tat ego games. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, podcast host and author of numerous ebooks, courses and programs on successful divorce and co-parenting strategies. To learn more, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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The post Your Co-Parenting Success Depends On Making Smart Choices appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Sadly, in our nation and beyond, children are still being mistreated, neglected, and abused. In April, we recognize National Child-Abuse Prevention Month by raising awareness of how parents, professionals, and concerned parties can protect children from the lasting effects of adverse childhood experiences—especially those caused by a parent’s alcohol misuse.

For many families, divorce doesn’t end the challenges—it often marks the beginning of new ones, especially when one parent struggles with alcohol abuse. The consequences of this dynamic can lead to emotional harm, instability, and in some cases, overlooked forms of child abuse. That’s why the Child-Centered Divorce Network has partnered with Soberlink this April. Together, we are committed to highlighting ways to make shared parenting safer, more secure, and less stressful for both parents and, most importantly, for the children caught in the middle.

Soberlink’s portable alcohol monitoring devices have become a vital resource for for parents navigating custody arrangements involving alcohol concerns. The system provides court-admissible proof of sobriety that is respected and trusted by family courts nationwide. For concerned co-parents, features like built-in facial recognition, tamper sensors, and instant results offer peace of mind during parenting time. For parents working to maintain custody or rebuild trust, it’s a powerful tool to demonstrate a commitment to sobriety and responsible parenting.

The accuracy, reliability, and user-friendly design of Soberlink make it especially valuable for parents voluntarily participating in alcohol monitoring. By choosing to use the system, they can clearly demonstrate their dedication to their child’s safety and well-being—helping to reassure the court, and their co-parent, in the process.

Unlike more punitive measures like random lab tests or ankle monitors—which can feel invasive and stigmatizing—Soberlink offers a discreet, scheduled testing experience. It promotes accountability without disrupting daily life, offering a more respectful and balanced approach to co-parenting when alcohol misuse is a concern.

The Child-Centered Divorce Network reminds parents about other ways to help families avoid abusive shared parenting mistakes:

• Don’t ever ridicule or demean your former spouse in front of the kids. When you speak disrespectfully about your children’s other parent, kids are often hurt and riddled with guilt and confusion. Their thinking is, “If there’s something wrong with Dad or Mom, there must also be something wrong with me for loving them.” This can result in emotional distress while damaging your own relationship with your children, as well.

• Don’t ever fight around the children. Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and turmoil for all children, especially victims of divorce. Keep parental battles away from your children – even when they’re sleeping or when you’re on the phone in another room. They deserve peace of mind and will thank you when they’re grown.

• Don’t ever pressure children to choose between their parents. Most kids feel anxious, guilty, embarrassed, or simply afraid when put in that position, even when they know your intentions are benign. You can ask about their feelings, but don’t give them the responsibility of making final choices.

• Don’t ever blame your kids for your divorce – or forget to tell them they are not at fault. Never assume your children understand that they are victims in your adult drama. Remind them frequently that they bear no blame in any way – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.

• Don’t ever share information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates an emotional burden that children shouldn’t have to carry. Talk to adults about adult issues. Even older teens aren’t prepared to be your therapist or advisor.

• Don’t ever use your children as confidants or spies. Never ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. Don’t make your kids your allies in plots against their mom or dad. They’ll resent you for it. Equally important, never make them feel guilty for loving their other parent – ever!

Fortunately, you can reach out to therapists, divorce coaches, mediators, and other professionals to help if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. If appropriate, encourage them to speak to a child psychologist trained in handling divorce issues. You can also seek the advice of school counselors, clergy, and other parenting professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable resources and articles on this topic available online as well as www.childcentereddivorce.com and www.soberlink.com/family-law.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on innocent psyches. Avoid the abusive mistakes addressed above and think before you speak. Focusing on both parent’s love for the children brings them comfort and security. It also gives parents a sound foundation on which to face the shared parenting challenges ahead.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, author, and podcast host. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, personal coaching services, e-courses, and other valuable resources for divorcing and divorced parents, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

You can learn more about Soberlink’s innovative and professionally acclaimed technology at https://www.soberlink.com/divorce/family-law.

The post Soberlink and The Child-Centered Divorce Network Honor National Child-Abuse Prevention Month by Addressing Alcohol Misuse and Promoting Healthy Shared-Parenting Time appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Probing and pressuring can be abusive when you cross the line

By Rosalind Sedacca

Following divorce it’s tempting to turn your children into “spies.” Don’t go there!

When children are told to report on the activities of the other parent, it places the children in a no-win situation. Even worse, using your children as spies has other negative consequences. It promotes lying and deceit. Not surprisingly, encouraging spying also leads to  picking sides. And it often creates loyalty conflicts for your children. As a result, your kids may clam up, become untruthful, or untrustworthy.

Not surprisingly, it’s not easy to break the habit of inappropriately questioning your children after they return from time spent with their other parent. However, it must be done. It helps to think about it from your child’s perspective. How do your kids feel when  transitioning from one home to the other? Is it tense, uncomfortable, stressful? Remember that when they return to you, they want to know you’re happy to see them and that you’re focused on them.

Interrogation is not a supportive or postive way to welcome your kids back home. It makes them very uncomfortable whether they outwardly show it or not. Furthermore, if your children are worried that they’ll have to “report” to you, transition time will be awkward and insecure for them.

Instead of focusing on how your children have recently spent their time, focus on how you’re going to spend your time with them.

Obviously, there are some common-sense exceptions. Real and legitimate safety or health issues fall into that category. But that’s not what we’re addressing here. I’m referring to questioning them about whether Daddy’s new girlfriend went to the zoo with them, what she said, what they said. Don’t make a situation like that even more complicated for your children. They’ll tell you what they want to tell you. And they’ll be a whole lot more likely to do so when you don’t give them the third degree — or send them to purposely spy.

Children are smarter than you think. Simple communication designed to surreptitiously interrogate the children is not going to work for long. They will try desperately to exercise their right to remain silent. The reason they will do this is because they know that anything they say can and will generally be used against them – in one way or another! Again, the key is to focus on the life you and your children live together. Focus on enjoying every moment that you can.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

The post Using Your Children As Spies Post-Divorce: Don’t Do It! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating.

Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.

SIDING WITH ONE PARENT OVER THE OTHR

MISINTERPRETING PARENTAL COMMENTS

PITTING PARENTS AGAINST ONE ANOTHER

CHILDREN PARENTING THEMSELVES

STEPPING UP TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY

The post Beware Children Parenting Their Divorcing Parents! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

During divorce proceedings, parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. Easing the post-divorce between-home transitions is a crucial factor. I strongly believe in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children, It’s the reality of daily life experiences that puts everyone to the test.

Here are 5 helpful ways to improve the process for everyone involved.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data — and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be willing to listen and understand. Let your child vent, complain and express their frustration about their new reality. Show them that their feelings matter, even if you can’t fix things the way they want life to be. Apologize when appropriate and let them know both parents are trying to accommodate their wishes as much as possible. Even when you can’t change things, knowing that you’re really listening goes a long way toward healing and acceptance for your child.
4. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
5. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent — and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of several ebooks, courses and programs for divorcing and divorced parents, including How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right!, and other valuable resources, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post 5 Ways to Ease Post-Divorce Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Donna Cates, CDFA

Divorcing when you have children adds a layer of complexity to an already challenging process. Beyond emotional considerations, financial decisions made during and after divorce can have long-lasting impacts on your children’s well-being and your financial future. At Money Matters Wealth Solutions, Donna Cates focuses on helping parents like you make informed, strategic 

decisions that support your goals and protect your family.

Key Financial Considerations for Divorcing Parents

1. Child Support and Expenses Understanding how child support is calculated and what it covers is critical. But don’t stop there—consider extracurricular activities, medical expenses, and future education costs. These often-overlooked items can significantly impact your post-divorce budget.

2. Housing Decisions Deciding whether to keep the marital home can be an emotional choice, but it must also be a financially sound one. I help parents evaluate whether staying in the home aligns with their long-term financial goals and assess the impact of mortgage payments, taxes, and maintenance costs.

3. College Savings Plans Divorce doesn’t end your shared responsibility to prepare for your children’s future. Together, we can explore options like dividing 529 plans, setting up new accounts, or including college expenses in your divorce agreement.

4. Health and Life Insurance Securing adequate health insurance for your children and revisiting life insurance policies to protect their financial future is essential. I can guide you in ensuring these critical safeguards are in place.

5. Co-Parenting and Financial Coordination Open communication about shared financial responsibilities can reduce stress. I provide tools and strategies for co-parents to manage financial obligations smoothly and collaboratively.

Post-Divorce Planning: Building a New Foundation

Once your divorce is finalized, it’s time to redefine your financial goals. This includes creating a sustainable budget, rebuilding your savings, and adjusting investment strategies. I offer ongoing support to help you stay on track and adapt to life’s changes.

How Donna Cates Can Help You Navigate This Process

At Money Matters Wealth Solutions, I understand the unique financial challenges divorcing parents face. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) and founder of Money Matters Wealth Solutions and Navigating Divorce, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients to achieve better financial outcomes during and after divorce.

Here’s how Donna Cates can support you:

• Comprehensive Divorce Planning: From evaluating settlement offers to projecting the long-term impact of financial decisions, I help ensure you’re informed every step of the way.

• Workshops and Resources: Join my Second Saturday Divorce Workshop, where you’ll gain practical insights on navigating divorce with confidence.

• One-on-One Guidance: Whether you’re negotiating child support, dividing assets, or planning for your future, I offer tailored strategies to suit your needs.

You’re Not Alone on This Journey

Divorce is a significant transition, but it’s also an opportunity to create a new beginning for you and your children. With the right financial strategies, you can lay the groundwork for a secure and fulfilling future.

Ready to take the next step? Visit Money Matters Wealth Solutions or my Divorce Diva’s Alabama Facebook page (www.facebook.com/DivorceDivasAlabama/) to learn more about my workshops, resources, and how I can support you through this process.

Together, we can turn your divorce into a steppingstone for a brighter financial future. donna@wwbpartners.com 

Contact and Connect (908) 955-0077 ext 307

moneymatterswealth.com Donna S. Cates

The post Money Matters When Divorcing with Children: How to Navigate Finances For a Secure Future appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce is one of life’s most overwhelming transitions. For high-achieving
individuals, the emotional toll and financial uncertainty can feel particularly heavy.

Mardi Winder-Adams, a seasoned divorce coach with over 30 years of experience, specializes in guiding individuals through this challenging process with clarity, confidence, and empowerment. Her mission is simple: to help her clients reduce the emotional and financial costs of divorce and emerge stronger on their own terms.

A Unique Approach to Divorce Coaching.

Mardi understands that navigating divorce requires more than legal advice. Her
personalized, one-on-one, confidential coaching focuses on the whole
person—addressing emotional overwhelm, communication struggles, and decision-
making challenges.

If you’re feeling paralyzed by the endless “what-ifs” or intimidated by difficult
conversations, Mardi’s coaching will prepare you to:

 Speak your needs clearly and confidently without fear of confrontation.
 Prepare for and participate in negotiations, mediation, and court proceedings
with a clear understanding of the process.
 Make informed decisions that protect your finances and family.
 Build a future that aligns with your values and goals.

Why Mardi Does What She Does

Mardi’s passion for divorce coaching stems from her own transformative
experience. Like many, she once felt lost in the stress, blame, and uncertainty of
divorce. But through this challenging period, she discovered something powerful:
she had the strength, skills, and emotional resources to move forward. That
realization inspired her career shift to become a certified divorce coach, determined
to help others discover their own resilience.

Today, Mardi is the go-to coach for high-achieving individuals overwhelmed by the
demands of divorce. She combines expertise in divorce dynamics, finances,
emotional intelligence, and conflict resolution to help her clients step back into their
power and take control of their lives.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Divorce is not a failure, nor does it define your worth as a person, professional, or
parent to your children. Mardi reminds her clients that this is an opportunity to
refocus, rebuild, and move toward the life they truly want, even if it is not the same
as they envisioned in the early stages of their marriage.

Imagine this: Instead of feeling overwhelmed and uncertain, you’re calm, confident,
and clear. Instead of spiraling in fear, you’re making empowered decisions that
protect your future. With Mardi as your coach, this vision becomes your reality.

Essential Truths to Remember

Mardi guides her clients to internalize these empowering truths:

 Divorce is not a personal failure.
 You can and will move forward with confidence and clarity.
 You already have the strength and skills to navigate this process.
 You don’t have to face this journey alone.

Take Back Your Life

Divorce is never easy, but Mardi’s compassionate and results-driven coaching
ensures you don’t lose yourself in the process. Together, you’ll find clarity,
confidence, and a path forward that aligns with your values and goals.
You deserve a divorce process that serves you, not one that drains you. Let Mardi
help you navigate this challenging time—emotionally, financially, and on your
terms.

To learn more about Mardi and how she works, visit: www.divorcecoach4women.com

The post The Advantage of Personalized Divorce Coaching Services appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

It’s safe, fair and endorsed by co-parents, legal professionals and the Child-Centered Divorce Network as well!

When alcohol becomes a factor in custody disputes, trust can feel impossible to rebuild.

Soberlink changes that. As the #1 alcohol monitoring solution in family law, it offers

more than just technology – it’s a safeguard, delivering verified, science-backed proof of

sobriety every day, giving parents and legal professionals the confidence they need to

move forward.

Soberlink is a portable and discreet sobriety tracker. It’s specifically designed to assist

parents who have struggled with alcohol abuse or were falsely accused of alcohol

misuse. By using this device, parents can provide concrete, court-admissible evidence

of their sobriety. Safe, discreet and simple to use, Soberlink helps to rebuild trust while

protecting innocent children.

A proven method to regaining custody

By providing a reliable way to demonstrate accountability, Soberlink’s system empowers

parents to step into the role they aspire to be – a dependable and present mother or

father. With consistent use, positive changes in behavior, attitude, and confidence

naturally align with the structure and reliability the technology offers.

Legal professionals widely recommend Soberlink as a powerful tool for parents

managing alcohol-related challenges, fostering a more constructive and solution-

focused approach. Its cutting-edge technology, including built-in facial recognition, not

only ensures accuracy but also detects and prevents tampering, offering a level of

protection and reliability unmatched by other monitoring systems.

Due to its effectiveness and unparalleled reliability, many family law professionals

consider Soberlink the Gold Standard in alcohol monitoring across the U.S.

Supporting the best interests of the child

The Child-Centered Divorce Network highly recommends Soberlink because it focuses

on the best interests of the child. Despite a parent’s current, past, or alleged history with

alcohol abuse, Soberlink enables children to foster relationships with both parents. That,

in turn, promotes more positive and respectful co-parenting experiences.

If you’re a divorced parent coping with alcohol addiction issues, or your parenting time is

in jeopardy due to false alcohol abuse allegations, Soberlin’s remote alcohol

monitoring technology offers a court-admissible solution for verified proof of sobriety.

You can learn more about Soberlink’s innovative technology at

https://www.soberlink.com/family-law.

The post Soberlink changes the way divorced couples deal with alcohol misuse during parenting time appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

 INTERNATIONAL CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH

IN JANUARY

January is International Child-Centered Divorce Month – a time when Divorce filings are highest: after the holidays at the start of the New Year.

In recognition of ICCD Month, Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, author and podcast host, Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, has gathered family-focused divorce professionals throughout the world. They are all giving away free ebooks, courses, videos, coaching services and other valuable resources to help parents:

• Make the best decisions regarding their children before, during and long after divorce.
• Avoid serious mistakes that negatively impact their children.
• Learn how divorce affects children at different ages and stages.
• Understand divorce options to choose the best course of action for both parents and children.
• Transition after divorce in a healthy, fulfilling way.
• Attract a rewarding and lasting love relationship in the years ahead.

With more than one million children impacted by divorce each year,

 why address Child-Centered Divorce in January?

To protect our innocent children so we don’t rob them of their childhood!

5 Things You May Not Know About Divorcing As a Parent

That Could Hurt Your Kids!

 1) Divorce itself doesn’t hurt children – it’s how parents handle the divorce! Learning mistakes to avoid scarring our children along with effective co-parenting skills makes all the difference.

2) Confiding in your kids about your divorce drama destroys their childhood! Children are not prepared to handle adult information. Nor should they be parenting their parents. Confide in your coach, therapist, family or friends, instead.

3) Choosing litigation over mediation can lead you on the wrong path! Litigation is about win/lose – the opposite of how we should address divorce when kids are involved. Work towards a win/win outcome whenever possible. You’ll save money and reduce stress long-term.

4) Divorced parents are role models for their kids! What are you teaching yours? Are you handling life challenges with maturity and responsibility? Or modeling behavior you’re embarrassed for children to see? They look to you for answers and examples.

5) Your children will hold you accountable! Aggression, conflict, selfish behavior and alienating decisions lead to angry children of divorce when they’re grown. What will your kids say about how you handled the divorce?

Grab your free gifts during International Child-Centered Divorce Month at https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

 About Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce.  She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides advice, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of several books, courses and programs on effective co-parenting after divorce. She is also the host of the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living radio show and podcast.

Many thanks to our caring and supportive sponsors …

Soberlink: Since its inception in 2011, Soberlink has been the leader in alcohol monitoring for families dealing with divorce and co-parenting issues. This portable breathalyzer checks for alcohol by confirming the user’s identity with built-in facial recognition—just like the tech on your phone—and instantly shares the results with chosen contacts. It not only verifies sobriety but also fosters peace of mind while empowering both parents. Built-in tamper sensors catch any attempts to cheat the test, ensuring the results are reliable. Soberlink helps rebuild trust, keeps children safe, and is trusted by divorce professionals nationwide for its court admissibility. 

Mardi Winder-Adams: Known as the go-to divorce coach for high-achieving women, Mardi believes you deserve to be heard, to speak your needs clearly, and to set the terms for your future and to provide the best for your children. Divorce doesn’t have to spiral into chaos. Because your peace of mind matters. It is easy to become overwhelmed emotionally and financially by the divorce process. By not understanding the consequences of being in this place, it is easy for the divorce to spiral out of control with devastating results. Mardi is here to help you significantly reduce the emotional and financial costs of the process with confidence, clarity, and on your own terms.

Donna Cates: Thanks to her 20+ years in financial planning, Donna makes it her business to offer creative, outside-the-box solutions for complex and confusing divorce issues. Most of her clients find it incredibly empowering to meet with a divorce financial analyst, separate from their divorce attorney mediation process. Why? Because Donna can help you do the number crunching and understand what different divorce scenarios may look like. This process gives you the tools to decide your best outcome financially.

 A personal message from Rosalind …

I launched International Child-Centered Divorce Month in 2007 because I, too, initiated my divorce many years ago in January. I was riddled with anxiety, guilt, shame and fear about the consequences for my 11-year old son.

So I researched, developed and shared success strategies, serious mistakes to avoid and effective co-parenting skills that put children’s emotional and psychological needs first when faced with divorce.

Since then, I founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network, became a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, and wrote several e-courses, programs and books, including Anger Management For Co-Parents. I also wrote my signature ebook: How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? My now grown up son wrote the foreword to the book.

I have much to share about doing divorce right as a parent: understanding divorce from your child’s perspective, how to deal with difficult co-parenting challenges, breaking the divorce news to children, questions to ask yourself before making divorce decisions, crucial divorce dos and don’ts – and much more!

Grab your gifts during International Child-Centered Divorce Month at:

https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

Discover resources from the Child-Centered Divorce Network at:

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com/helpful-tools.

Get your free ebook on Co-Parenting Success Strategies at:

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com

The post JANUARY IS INTERNATIONAL CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the most difficult conversations any parent will ever have is telling their children about their pending divorce. I know first-hand because many years ago I went through the experience. I fought and faced the overwhelming emotions. The deep gut-wrenching fear. The continuous anxiety. The incredible guilt. And the oppressive weight of shame.

My son, after all, was innocent. A sweet, gentle soul who loved his father and mother dearly. He certainly did not deserve this.

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?

How do you explain to a child that the life he has known, the comfort he has felt in his family setting, is about to be disrupted – changed – forever?

How do you explain to a child that none of this is his fault?

How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe, cared for and loved, even after his parents divorce?

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns looming ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out?

I needed a plan. A strategy. A way of conveying all that I wanted to say to him at a level of understanding that he could grasp.

Thankfully I found that plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered that we could not readily fix, and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children—with Love! is my internationally-acclalimed ebook, In it I provide fill-in-the-blank templates that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. The interactive format allows parents to customize the story to fit their family dynamics. It also focuses on six key messages that are essential for every child to hear, understand and absorb. Share and repeat these six points to your children in the weeks and months following the initial conversation,. You will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing.

Here are the six must-tell messages for breaking the duvorce news to your children:

1) This is not your fault.

 Mom and Dad have been having problems. We don’t agree about certain key issues and that creates conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, that does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love and cherish. It is not your fault that Mom and Dad disagree about your bedtime. Or where to go on vacation, how to help you with your homework or whether you should play soccer.  We are not fighting about YOU. We are disagreeing with each other about issues that concern you and our family. But you are not in any way at fault.

2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents.

No matter what changes occur over the weeks, months and years ahead, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will still always be your parents. No one else will ever be your real Mom. No one else will ever be your real Dad. We promise.

3) Mom and Dad will always love you.

 One thing is for sure. Mom and Dad will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change. You can count on that. Our love for you will never change.

4) You are, and will continue to be,

Even though there will be some changes ahead in our family, Mom and Dad will still be taking care of you. You are safe and there is nothing to be afraid of. You don’t have to worry about things. We’re making plans for our family and you are a very important part of every decision. So relax, and let Mom and Dad take care of things.

5) This is about change, not about blame.

Divorce is a scary word. But all it really means is that our family will be experiencing some changes. Change is okay. Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, taller, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change every year. Clothing styles and hair styles keep changing. You change grades and schools as you grow older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Change can be fun, exciting and new. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like beginning a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

The change in our family is not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us. So  now we will be trying a new way for our family to live with more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Instead of worrying about who’s to blame, let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure. As a brand new chapter in our lives. Who knows what lies ahead?

We’re often frightened when we begin new things and face new challenges. Like the first time you learned to ride a bicycle, the first day of school or day camp, your first trip to the dentist. Things always have a way of working out, even when we’re scared that they won’t. Divorce will be the same way. Things will be new and different for a while.

We’ll have new ways of doing some things … some new responsibilities … some differences in our schedules. But life will go on. We will get used to the differences. Some of them we may even prefer. And after a while, we’ll look back. We’ll notice that life is different than it used to be, but it’s all okay. I’m okay, our family is okay and, most important of all, we still love each other.  That is a lot better than okay.  It’s great!

6) Things will work out okay.

No matter what happens, no matter what changes occur, one thing is for certain. Mom and Dad will always love you. That will never change. Regardless of where we live, what we do and how old you get. You can count on that. And don’t ever forget it.

These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words and your own style. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.

*    *    *    

Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  The book helps parents create a unique personal family storybook. Family photos along with fill-in-the-blank templates guide kids through this difficult transition with optimum results. To learn more about the ebook and Rosalind’s other resources, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/kids.

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post 6 Crucial Messages to Prepare Kids for Your Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods can be a welcome respite for an overscheduled single parent, that’s not always the case. For many co-parents, the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. This is especially so during the holiday season. And even more challenging when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

It’s really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative and absorbed in activities you find personally fulfilling. This time of year can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs. That includes finding friends and activities that bring joy into your life on a personal level rather than a parental level.

Avoid comments and behavior you’ll later regret!

Among the greatest challenges divorced parents face is avoiding depression and self-pity. When overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued, parents often make poor decisions. One of the most common is sending messages that we later regret when communicating with our children. It’s not difficult to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your children feel guilty about not being with you. Quite often, those decisions are not really within their control.

Telling your kids you miss them is a natural response. It’s tempting to say I wish you were home with me and not with your other parent. But that burdens your child unnecessarily with the need to protect a parent who’s fragile and hurting.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Staying connected despite the distance

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you’ve explored, people you’ve visited, movies you saw and other activities you’ve participated in.

• Bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit. This might include paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.

• Send an email or text message “of the day” to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Cookie of the Day – just to keep in touch.

• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community. Volunteer at an animal shelter so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children and families.

• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day. Then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way.

• Plan a live video call with the kids so you can see the decorations and gifts where they are and interact with them real-time!

Parenting without guilt, sadness or shame

Of course, developing a cooperative relationship with your former spouse is essential for the success of these strategies. But it’s worth the effort. Collaborative co-parenting is a plus for both parents over the years ahead. It’s also a positive role model for your children. So reach out for the support you need to negotiate the respectful co-parenting relationship you desire. It will help your children thrive after divorce.

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children. It’s the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

                                                                  *     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and podcast host. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right as well as her coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

The post Holiday Coping Tips For Divorced Parents When Apart From Your Kids! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Co-parenting can feel impossible when one parent consistently misuses alcohol. It’s essential to create an environment that prioritizes the child’s well-being while reducing stress and miscommunication between parents. When done correctly, co-parenting can provide children with a sense of stability and safety, even in the most challenging circumstances.

Establishing Boundaries and Expectations

One of the most effective strategies in high-conflict co-parenting situations is establishing clear boundaries and expectations. Set specific rules regarding alcohol use around the child, as well as guidelines for how time with each parent will be managed. Consider drafting a comprehensive parenting plan that details when the parent who struggles with alcohol abuse will have contact with the child, and how both parents will communicate about issues that arise.

In high-conflict situations, communication is often strained, and small misunderstandings can lead to significant arguments. Therefore, keeping all communication child-focused and fact-based is vital. Utilizing structured communication methods like emails or shared parenting apps can help minimize unnecessary contact and keep all interactions on record.

Upholding the Best Interests of the Child: Prioritizing Child Safety and Well-Being

When a parent struggles with alcohol abuse, child safety must come first. It’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation with the child, if age-appropriate, about safety rules and how they should handle situations where they feel uncomfortable. Reinforce the idea that it’s okay for the child to speak up if they notice something worrying or feel unsafe.

Additionally, both parents should agree on a safety plan that outlines how to handle situations involving suspected alcohol use. This might include having a designated family member or trusted friend available to intervene if necessary. Make sure the child knows who to contact if they cannot reach the other parent.

Using Alcohol Monitoring for Improved Safety and Peace of Mind

If alcohol abuse is an ongoing concern, consider implementing an alcohol monitoring system. This is where a tool like Soberlink can play a pivotal role in minimizing conflict and improving the child’s safety.

Soberlink: Advanced Remote Alcohol Monitoring for Family Law

Soberlink’s comprehensive system offers an innovative solution for alcohol monitoring in custody cases, combining technology and convenience to provide court-admissible documentation of sobriety that supports child safety and offers peace of mind for parents.

• Discreet and Portable Breathalyzer: Soberlink’s cutting-edge breathalyzer is designed for convenience and discretion, enabling parents to prove their sobriety anytime, anywhere.
• Instant Notification System: BAC readings are immediately transmitted to designated parties through text or email, promoting transparency and trust in custodial situations.
• Intuitive Software: User-friendly software ensures a seamless experience that eliminates hearsay, streamlining litigation and making processes more efficient for both legal professionals and parents.
• Facial Recognition Technology: With advanced facial recognition, Soberlink automatically verifies the identity of the person being tested, ensuring accurate and reliable results.
• Tamper Detection Sensors: Equipped with sophisticated sensors, the system effectively detects any attempts to cheat the system, maintaining the integrity of the testing process and promoting child safety.
• Expert In-House Support: Soberlink’s dedicated support team includes a compliance department, provides certified records, and offers expert testimony as needed, serving the needs of the family law community with over 10 years of experience.

By implementing Soberlink, parents can rebuild trust and create a safer environment for their child. This system, considered the ‘most trusted’ by countless family law professionals, promotes a more peaceful co-parenting relationship, as both parents have a reliable way to confirm sobriety and focus on maintaining healthy relationships with their child.

Managing Court Involvement and Legal Issues

Alcohol-related custody issues often escalate to the courtroom, where false accusations can be used as leverage. It’s essential to have a structured approach to address these concerns legally, and Soberlink’s documentation can be invaluable in these cases. The device’s court-admissible reports serve as concrete evidence that can support custody and visitation rights, allowing parents to move past disputes more effectively.

Additionally, it’s beneficial to consult with a family law attorney familiar with substance abuse issues and the use of alcohol monitoring systems. They can guide parents through the process of integrating a tool like Soberlink into their custody arrangements and ensure that both parties comply with the court’s expectations. 

Supporting the Parent-Child Relationship

While monitoring and structure are essential, it’s equally important to support the emotional well-being of the child. Encourage regular, positive interactions between the child and the parent with a history of alcohol abuse, as long as sobriety is maintained. Therapy or counseling can also be helpful for the child to process any anxiety or confusion about their parent’s behavior.

Parents should strive to co-parent with empathy and avoid speaking negatively about one another in front of the child. Remember, the child should not feel responsible for managing adult problems or navigating conflicts between their parents.

Moving Forward

Navigating high-conflict co-parenting when alcohol is a concern requires patience, structure, and support. With the right tools and strategies in place, it is possible to minimize disputes and create a safe, nurturing environment for the child to thrive. Tools like Soberlink not only provide peace of mind but also help parents maintain focus on what matters most—the well-being of their child.

The post Navigating High-Conflict Co-Parenting When Alcohol is a Concern appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Following divorce, most parents are eager to see their children as frequently as possible. Often this desire results in heated battles in or out of court focused on custody issues.  

The post Why Parents Reject Or Abandon Their Children After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Most everyone is emotionally impacted by divorce. The psychological toll can be even more dramatic when children are involved. There’s little doubt that a relationship breakup ramps up stress for both partners. However, several factors seem to indicate that divorce may be even more challenging for men than for women.

Here are four reasons why divorce stress can take a greater toll on men:  

He’s more likely to be blindsided by the divorce

In general, women are the first to initiate or file for a divorce. This seemingly sudden announcement often comes after she spends years feeling unhappy or frustrated in an unfulfilling marriage. Frequently her husband is not aware of her feelings, or he shrugs off her complaints as needless whining or nagging. Sometimes these unhappy women reach out first to family and friends for support. Others seek out professional counselors or coaches. When, despite that help, she doesn’t achieve the emotional resolution she craves, she may ultimately decide it’s time for divorce. This is especially so for women over 50 whose husbands are oblivious to the emotional distance in their marriage. She’s been experiencing despair for years, sometimes even decades. He’s totally caught off guard. This is a physical and emotional shock her husband never saw coming!

He’s more likely to internalize divorce as personal failure

Having been blindsided by the divorce, many men are not prepared for moving on or starting life over on their own. Studies show that marriage suits men more readily than women. That makes it harder to let go and create a new life alone when divorcing wasn’t his idea in the first place. Some men feel like failures or losers. Other men mourn the loss of power or control in the marital relationship, which wounds their self-esteem. While men are less likely to seek out a coach or mental health professionals, it’s often the best decision they can make. Reaching out to divorce and relationship support groups can result in new friendships. Coaches and counselors often bring welcome insights about moving on more smoothly and successfully.

He’s more likely to grieve alone without asking for help

Men usually have a more independent approach to personal development. Women, by nature, reach out more readily for professional guidance. They also talk more easily to friends and explore self-help resources. For men, grieving may be a more personal process. Unfortunately, the stress of an emotional breakup is difficult to handle alone. And men may be more resistant to accepting grief as a natural consequence of any breakup. Consequently, they may not allow themselves the time to reflect on their feelings and recognize the part they played in the divorce. Failure to acknowledge our mistakes limits the lessons we learn and the strategies we implement. It impedes moving on with confidence and optimism. Single men who don’t own their past relationship responsibilities are more likely to repeat old patterns, leading to disappointing partnerships ahead.

He’s more likely to be overwhelmed by guilt, shame or failure

Some men feel challenged both personally and professionally after divorce. Riddled by guilt or shame, they carry a sense of failure that can impact their confidence at work or in new social circles. This is particularly important for men with children who may question their new roles after divorce. It’s therapeutic for these men to maintain their relationships with their children, reminding them they will always be loved and valued as a parent. Children of divorce need both parents as role models. It’s significant even if the father is not spending as much time with his kids as before the divorce. It can also be healing for dads to strengthen their bond with the children, redefining the relationship on new levels. Building a cooperative co-parenting strategy will also go a long way toward supporting the children in the emotional and psychological ways they need.

Divorced men need to remember, you’re not alone. Don’t cope alone and don’t isolate yourself from others who care. Learn healthy ways to handle stress, grief and a wounded ego. Embrace help. Take advantage of on-line support, groups, networks and programs. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and understand that guilt, shame, anger and other strong emotions are natural when healing from adversity. The Child-Centered Divorce Network offers many resources on parenting after divorce and co-parenting in the best ways for you and your children. Be there for your kids and proactive in creating a path toward a brighter future in the months and years ahead!

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and podcast host. She’s also the author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For easy access to all her resources, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

The post Why Men Are Often More Challenged By Divorce! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Cooperative co-parenting supports children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it’s been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we’ve made some mistakes.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way, making our child very upset and storming away in anger.

Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel guilty. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. Thankfully, it’s never too late to make amends and get it right.

Take action and accept responsibility!

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having second thoughts – take action.

Action can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encouraging the kids to plan a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Even checking out an advanced alcohol monitoring technology, to strengthen the bond of safety, trust and cooperation with your co-parent.

A gift of love and respect for your children!

The post Divorce Mistakes: It’s Never Too Late To Make Amends – For Your Children! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rebuilding trust between co-parents has long been the cornerstone of the Child-Centered Divorce Network’s philosophy. That’s why we’ve been proud to partner with Soberlink, leading experts in remote alcohol monitoring technology.

“The weaponization of alcohol use has the unfortunate ability to rip families apart,” said Chris Beck, VP of Business Development at Soberlink. “Our goal at Soberlink is to empower parents to be a part of their children’s lives by offering reliable alcohol monitoring that gives family members, as well as attorneys, peace of mind.”

Soberlink’s comprehensive system offers an innovative solution for alcohol monitoring in custody cases where a child’s safety may be in jeopardy. It combines technology and convenience to provide court-admissible documentation of sobriety that supports child safety along with a deep sense of security for parents.

Reliable alcohol monitoring is proving to have a positive impact in divorce custody
cases. Consequently, Soberlink continues its mission to educate Family Court Judges
and divorce attorneys on the effectiveness of technology in improving child safety and
supporting parents in maintaining sobriety.

Some of the system’s key features that help them achieve this include:

• Discreet and Portable Breathalyzer: Soberlink’s cutting-edge breathalyzer is
  designed for convenience and discretion, enabling parents to prove their sobriety
  anytime, anywhere.
• Instant Notification System: BAC readings are immediately transmitted to
  designated parties through text or email, promoting transparency and trust in
  custodial situations.
• Intuitive Software: User-friendly software ensures a seamless experience that eliminates hearsay, streamlining litigation and making processes more efficient for both legal professionals and parents.
• Facial Recognition Technology: With advanced facial recognition, Soberlink
  automatically verifies the identity of the person being tested, ensuring accurate
  and reliable results.
• Tamper Detection Sensors: Equipped with sophisticated sensors, the system
  effectively detects any attempts to cheat the system, maintaining the integrity of
  the testing process and promoting child safety
• Expert In-House Support: Soberlink’s dedicated support team includes a
  compliance department, provides certified records, and offers expert testimony
  as needed, serving the needs of the family law community with over 10 years of
  experience.

Soberlink wants to ensure that no parent needs to be separated from their child due to concerns about alcohol use, by providing a reliable and non-intrusive method for alcohol monitoring that promotes trust and accountability. With that in mind, the company is focused on empowering more parents to rebuild their relationships with their children as well as other family members and caregivers.

Due to the powerful effects of reliable alcohol monitoring, the Child-Centered Divorce
Network enthusiastically endorses Soberlink’s efforts to create technology that supports
positive co-parenting relationships in every family.

You can learn more about Soberlink’s innovative technology at https://www.soberlink.com/divorce/family-law

The post Soberlink Advanced Remote Alcohol Monitoring Brings New Hope to Families Impacted by Alcohol Misuse appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Soberlink proves sobriety

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rebuilding trust between co-parents has long been the cornerstone of the Child-Centered Divorce Network’s philosophy. That’s why we’ve been proud to partner with Soberlink, leading experts in remote alcohol monitoring technology. 

“The weaponization of alcohol use has the unfortunate ability to rip families apart,” said Chris Beck, VP of Business Development at Soberlink. “Our goal at Soberlink is to empower parents to be a part of their children’s lives by offering reliable alcohol monitoring that gives family members, as well as attorneys and professional caregivers or treatment providers, peace of mind.” 

Soberlink’s comprehensive system offers an innovative solution for alcohol monitoring in custody cases. It combines technology and convenience to provide court-admissible documentation of sobriety that supports child safety along with a deep sense of security for parents.

Reliable alcohol monitoring is proving to have a positive impact in divorce custody cases. Consequently, Soberlink is reaching out to Family Court Judges and divorce attorneys to show the progress being made using today’s latest alcohol monitoring technology.

 This includes …

• Discreet and Portable Breathalyzer: Soberlink’s cutting-edge breathalyzer is designed for convenience and discretion, enabling parents to prove their sobriety anytime, anywhere.

• Instant Notification System: BAC readings are immediately transmitted to designated parties through text or email, promoting transparency and trust in custodial situations.

• Intuitive Software: User-friendly software ensures a seamless experience that eliminates hearsay, streamlining litigation and making processes more efficient for both legal professionals and parents.

• Facial Recognition Technology: With advanced facial recognition, Soberlink automatically verifies the identity of the person being tested, ensuring accurate and reliable results.

• Tamper Detection Sensors: Equipped with sophisticated sensors, the system effectively detects any attempts to cheat the system, maintaining the integrity of the testing process and promoting child safety.
• Expert In-House Support: Soberlink’s dedicated support team includes a compliance department, provides certified records, and offers expert testimony as needed, serving the needs of the family law community with over 10 years of experience.

Soberlink wants to ensure that no parent needs to be separated from their child because of the inability to prove sobriety. With that in mind, the company is focused on empowering more parents to rebuild their relationships with their children as well as other family members and caregivers.

Due to the powerful effects of reliable alcohol monitoring, the Child-Centered Divorce   Network enthusiastically endorses Soberlink’s efforts to create technology that supports positive co-parenting relationships in every family.

You can learn more about Soberlink’s innovative technology at https://www.soberlink.com.

The post Soberlink’s Advanced Remote Alcohol Monitoring Brings New Hope to Families Impacted by Alcohol Misuse appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce creates havoc in any family’s life, especially when children are involved – even adult children. Moving on after divorce can also be challenging. It’s a time to be very gentle, both with yourself as well as with your children.

Chances are, you made a considerable emotional investment in your marriage. Having seen that relationship fail can make you insecure about facing new relationships ahead. So take the time to go within. Learn from your mistakes — we’ve all made them. Understand the lessons from your marriage. Determine new ways to approach future relationships.

At some point you will feel ready to step back out into the dating world again. Then you face the challenge of breaking the news to your children. Tweens, teens and grown children usually present special challenges. So prepare with that in mind.

Be Sensitive and Empathic!

Of course the age of your children will play a big part in how to talk to them about your starting to date. Teens have their own judgments. Grown adults come with their prejudices as well. The rapport you have with them and closeness within your own relationship will also play a part in this difficult conversation.

Remember, all children are smarter than you think. They can pick up on your emotions and when you’re telling untruths. It’s best to be honest about your feelings regarding bringing another potential partner into your life. But be very sensitive about their emotions on this topic.

Let your children know you’re healing, feeling better about yourself and are now ready to explore meeting new friends. Remind them how much you love them, how important they are in your life. Explain sincerely that dating has nothing to do with replacing them – or bashing their other parent. Remind them that you will still be the attentive parent you’ve always been. Emphasize that they always come first in your life. But clarify that you do have a life of your own and are ready to live it!

You may need to have this conversation many times over several weeks or months. Some children need extra time to digest the concept and express how they feel about what you are saying. Encourage them to ask questions and share their opinions. Be patient and understanding of their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Remind them that you deserve a fulfilling future just as they do.

Be Selective in Choosing Partners!

Don’t introduce your children, even teens and adult children, to every new person you date. You can let them know that you are going out with new people, if they ask. But don’t bring casual relationship partners into their world. This can create more headaches than it’s worth.

When you do find a person you are seriously involved with, prepare the children in advance for the first meetings. Spend short intervals together and let the exposure build over time. Ask for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure your teens or older children never feel threatened by the thought they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger.

How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with your children. So be careful, considerate and empathic in all your actions. Needless to say, be sure you choose a partner who treats your children well. If they don’t, that should be a big red flag! Be alert to signs that either your new partner or your children are feeling competitive for your attention. That can be extremely damaging to all relationships and must be addressed early on. Seek the help of a coach or therapist to find a path to inclusion and peaceful acceptance. Or choose to move on to another relationship. Your children should never lose you to another partner.

Be Respectful of your Child’s Other Parent!

Children who have close relationships with both biological parents are more likely to accept a new parent partner into their lives without distress. They feel safe in their relationship with Mom and Dad. Therefore, they are less likely to be threatened by someone new in the picture. When one parent disrespects and disparages the other parent, it puts the children on the defensive. That makes them much more likely to reject a new relationship partner entering the family dynamic.

So take your time when transitioning into dating after divorce. Move slowly when opening the door to new relationships that will affect your children. Put yourself in their place. It will give you insight into what it can be like to find one or both parents with a new partner. Talking with a therapist or co-parenting coach can be quite helpful as you transition into this next phase of your life.

***       ***       ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Director of the Child-Centered Divorce Network.  Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, Coaching services and other valuable resources for parents are all available at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Rosalind’s advice on dating after divorce can be found at: www.womendatingrescue.com and www.mensdatingformula.com.

©All Rights Reserved  Rosalind Sedacca

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

How do you know your kids are managing well after your divorce? As a divorced parent you owe it to your children to diligently watch their behavior. And listen to their conversations. In addition, to be aware of any changes that may be due to challenges related to the divorce. Children can adapt well to life after divorce. But it’s up to you to catch signs they may be confused, anxious, insecure or in other ways having problems coping with their new reality.

Here are 5 vitally important ways to know your children are doing well, and thriving, despite your divorce:

1. They continue to thrive at school

When school grades fall or aggressive behavior develops, parents need to be proactive and not wait on the sidelines. Conversations with teachers and school counselors can give you a better perspective on your child’s needs. Don’t hesitate to talk to your children as well to learn more about what’s going on and how they feel about the changes and new challenges in their lives. It’s imperative that you listen and not lecture. Allow them to vent so they feel heard. Only then can you be helpful in finding useful solutions.

2. They’re making and keeping friends

If your children drop close friendships following your divorce they may be feeling shame, anger, embarrassment, guilt or other negative emotions. Some kids feel helpless at home and express these frustrations with classmates and friends. They may be misunderstood or rejected by these friends at a time when support is most needed. Giving them access to a compassionate child therapist can be helpful for them – and for you.

3. They can talk about the divorce without high emotions

If your children are not intimidated or afraid to talk to you about the divorce, their other parent and time spent with them, that’s a good sign. It usually shows a healthy level of adjustment. Usually it also means both parents understand the importance of keeping lines of communication open. Mature parents don’t compete for their children’s approval or attention and they’re aware of the dangers of making kids feel guilty or shameful for loving their other parent.

4. Their activity level hasn’t changed

Well-adjusted children have energy for after-school clubs, sports and other programs. If your child opts out of activities they used to enjoy, be aware. Usually that’s a sign that they are having coping issues with changes in family life. It’s wise to talk with a counselor and get involved with a support group for help before things progress in more negative directions.

5. There are no new signs of depression, aggression or acting out

Kids who handle divorce well are comfortable with themselves and others. They behave with compassion and sensitivity to other children who may be hurting. Children coping with emotional issues and low self-esteem often show signs of depression, lethargy or age-regression such as bed-wetting. Others may act out aggressively with siblings, friends – even their pets. They lose their capacity for empathy and caring for others. This is a red flag warning that they may be in emotional distress and need a strong support system. Bring in school guidance counselors, co-parenting coaches and other mental health professionals to help you provide this safety net.

Parents who demonstrate a healthy attitude about their divorce usually have children who cope better. Never take for granted that the divorce is not affecting your child. Be diligent in watching for signs of problems. If issues arise, seek professional help immediately. That can make the difference between temporary setbacks and real long-term issues that create emotional and psychological problems with life-long consequences.

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. To get Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, advice, tips, Coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post 5 Ways To Help Your Kids Genuinely Thrive After Your Divorce! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Children have a difficult time understanding what your anger means.  They may experience shock, disbelief, fear, guilt, grief, confusion, shame and outrage by your aggressive tendencies.  Observe how your behavior is affecting the children in your home and realize that you are a major role model for them.

It is very likely that your children will grow to imitate your behavior and reactions – even if they disapprove of it at this time.

Adults are responsible for helping children learn appropriate behaviors and coping skills.  Without positive guidance children may experience the following behavior patterns resulting from your anger issues:

1. Physical aggression towards others such as hitting, harming, screaming, kicking, etc.
2. Sleep problems
3. Feelings of inadequacy
4. Increased fears, especially about losing a parent through divorce
5. Depression/sadness
6. School behavior problems
7. Stomach aches, headaches, nausea and other stress-related physical symptoms
8. Feeling their home is no longer a safe place
9. Behavioral outbursts for no obvious reason.
10. Poor peer relationships
11. Guilt about bearing the weight of “secrets”
12. Shame and anxiety about bringing friends home

Understand that children in households where parents are constantly fighting, where there is unhappiness and frequent tension, have a higher risk of developing many social problems. These include the inability to form friendships, school difficulties and many antisocial behaviors.  However, you can shield them from the harmful effects of divorce and marital conflict, by being an attentive, emotionally intact parent. 

Don’t ignore children’s expressions of negative emotions. Instead, offer guidance, patience and a strong positive influence. Reaching out to a child-psychologist or co-parenting coach can be quite helpful.

Children respond to parental anger differently at different ages and stages …

Preschool and kindergarten-age children

Young kids usually process difficult information through their play.  Encourage them to draw and act out scenarios with toys and dolls. Always be there to listen and support. 

School age children 

These children will probably have questions and may want explanations and details about why their parent is so angry.  Be sure to answer these questions age appropriately, to reassure and clarify concerns. 

Teens

Be available for your adolescents and teens, who will respond most intently to your anger. At this age most everything is taken personally and with a degree of resistance. Teens may be highly critical and judge their parents’ decisions because they do not accept separation or divorce that easily.

It is imperative for your children, whatever their age, to understand that the divorce/separation is not their fault, that they will always be safe, are very much loved, and that you will always be their parent. 

Never … 

• Confide adult content to your children. Find a friend, therapist or support group to help process adult issues.
• Tell “secrets” about their other parent or other family members.
• Ask your child to “spy” on their other parent when you are apart and report back to you.
• Pressure your child regarding custody issues or ask them to make a choice regarding which parent they live with. This puts too much pressure on their shoulders and creates deep emotional guilt and upheaval.
• Put down or disrespect their other parent – even if you believe they deserve it. This, too, burdens your child with guilt, confusion and shame for still loving the parent you are asking them to hate.
• Fight in front of the kids – no matter what! Find alone time to discuss difficult issues away from sensitive eyes and ears.
• Discount the emotional turmoil divorce creates in children – even those who do not act out. Always talk to children of divorce with compassion, empathy and sensitivity. Put yourself in their shoes to see the world through their innocent eyes!

It is important to assure children that the anger you may express  is not directed toward them and that you are sorry for any confusion they may encounter. Try to follow established routines as much as possible. This helps your children experience less  disruption and still feel their world is secure.

You and your partner must always keep in mind that you will continue to be your children’s parents long after the divorce. That means you will be co-parenting your children for years and decades to come. When they experience friction between the two of you, they can easily lose confidence in you.  It also makes it difficult for you to discipline them, especially if you both can’t agree.

Be mindful that you never play your children against the other parent. It is essential for both parents to maintain a unified front when it comes to discipline.  This joint approach allows children to have a clear idea of what is and isn’t acceptable. Otherwise, you will learn quickly how easily your children can manipulate and undermine your authority.

You and your co-parent should make every attempt to not argue in front of the children.  They are easily confused and may think they are the cause of the argument.  Your child’s behavior can often “push your buttons” and make you feel angry.  Be aware that it is probably not the child who is causing your frustration, but the frustration from your situation that is really the trigger.

The more you understand how to manage your anger, the easier it will be to not take out your anger on your innocent children. Talking with an experienced family therapist or co-parenting coach will help you feel supported while implementing new techniques for better communication and more effective co-parenting long-term.

***     ***     *** 

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Director of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

The post How Parental Anger Affects Your Children – During & Long After Divorce! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Many caring parents I speak to admit to feeling tremendous guilt during and after their divorce. It’s easy to understand why. Parents who are aware of the emotional toll a separation or divorce can take on their children often feel torn about whether they made the right decision.

Asking relevant questions can be healthy!

Are they being selfish in moving ahead with the divorce? Will this experience psychologically scar their children for life? Will the kids ever forgive them – or their other parent – for initiating the divorce? Are they making the right decisions regarding co-parenting and visitation? Are they overwhelmed by the challenges of parent to parent communication? Are they failing in discussing relevant decisions with the kids?

These are valid questions to ask yourself. The answers should be seriously considered before moving into divorce. However, divorce is never a black and white issue. Changing the form of a family unit doesn’t necessarily mean destroying the family. Nor does it have to destroy the love bond between parents and children.

It all depends upon how you handle the challenges. Sometimes divorce is the wisest decision or the best direction to move in. It can be the path to stability and peace of mind for a family experiencing devastating emotional turmoil.

Don’t get trapped by your past!

Guilt in itself can be a very destructive emotion. It’s based on focusing your attention on the past. When you bring a magnifying glass to your past, you’re inevitably going to find many decisions, behaviors and actions to regret.

Guilt is about getting stuck in those regrets. It can consume your thoughts, your days and your activities. Even more dangerous — it can fill you with shame, remorse and self-flagellation.

Take action on the path to making amends!

Don’t be a victim of your own guilt. Take action instead! Did you behave in ways you regret? Said things you wish you hadn’t? Or didn’t do what you now know you should have done? Now’s the perfect time to determine ways to make amends.
 
Can you sincerely apologize to the parties you hurt? Or perhaps write a note?

Can you begin taking a new direction in your life based on wiser decisions?

Can you share lessons you learned with others? This is often a valuable way to take the sting out of life experiences so that your pain is not in vain. Many divorce coaches and family therapists have stories to tell of their own misguided decisions which they are eager to share with clients.

Feel relief by stepping into the present!

Start by moving your attention into the present, rather than the past. You’ll feel relief and a sense of power over your life once again. You’re taking steps to right a wrong or make a challenging situation more tolerable. You’re changing the course of your life. And hopefully the lives of your children – moving in a better direction for all concerned.

Most important of all, you are more likely to come to the place of forgiving yourself and letting go. You’ve attempted to make amends. You’ve acknowledged your errors and taken a wiser course of action. You’ve learned valuable lessons you can share with others. You’re taking responsibility for your behaviors, not lingering in a pity party over past deeds.

These are steps toward projecting your thoughts back into the present. From here you can begin living a life that is more rewarding, peaceful and satisfying – despite or as a result of – your divorce!
   
                                       *       *       *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post How Guilt Can Impact You and Your Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Dating after divorce as a single parent comes with its own set of challenges. When you’re a parent you can’t forget the child in your life, much as you may want to when out in the dating world.

Parenting is a life-long responsibility. It doesn’t matter whether your child is with you full-time or you have a shared visitation schedule. Either way, it’s crucial that you approach being single with the awareness that you are also parent. And that should influence all of your social and relationship decisions. Because your kids’ emotional and psychological wellbeing is at stake — and that is something you must never forget.

Here are some realistic guidelines that will keep you on track when the allure of dating and new relationships can be distracting! 

1.  Be up front with new partners about your role as a parent. You don’t want to date people who don’t like or respect kids. Nor do you want to hide the fact that you’re a parent who loves and wants to protect your child.

2. Be cautious about sharing information about your child with strangers and new partners. Don’t provide their name, exact age, where they live and other details about your parenting arrangement. Speak in general terms such as my daughter is in elementary school or is a teenager.

3. Depend on babysitters so new partners don’t meet your child before it’s appropriate You want to get to know a partner before introducing them to your child. It’s not fair to your kids or your dates for them to meet a few times and then disappear from their life. Take your time getting to know, trust and deeply care about a partner before ever bringing them into your child’s world.

4. Take baby steps in introducing new people to your child. Start with short meetings: a quick lunch, a picnic at the park, watching a TV show together. Listen to your child’s feedback and never dismiss or admonish them if they don’t approve at first. This is a sensitive issue. Trust and respect build over time both for adults and children.

5. Be aware of jealousy issues. Kids need to feel safe with you and your new partner. When they don’t, they can make up stories, fake bellyaches or have a tantrum just to get attention. These are signs they are feeling insecure, perhaps jealous or threatened by your new partner. Seek our professional help if this is the case. Never force your friend on a child who is resistant.

6. Always do the parenting and disciplining of your kids. Even when children like the new partner it’s important that they never take on the role of a substitute parent. Kids rebel when this happens. Your partner is a new friend for your children. Not a replacement for your former spouse who hopefully is still in their lives.

Be mindful that your children and your new relationship partner are in an awkward and often challenging situation at first. Acceptance takes time and experience. Don’t rush or force matters prematurely. Be patient. Listen to both sides attentively. Take baby steps.  And always reassure your children that no one can or ever will replace them in your life. Your parental love for them is forever love. And that will never change!

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post 6 Guidelines For Divorced Parents Before You Start Dating! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the toughest conversations any parent will ever have is breaking the divorce news to your children. Regardless of their age, kids are emotionally impacted in so many painful ways. It’s a subject that’s heartbreaking to discuss, frightening to digest, and overwhelming to think about for parents and children alike.

That’s why I wrote How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Protecting Your Children – With Love! It conveys my internationally acclaimed strategy combining photos, parental support and communication principles that work.

When both parents plan their approach in advance, agree not to point fingers at one another, and share a message that is hopeful and compassionate, the experience is better for everyone in the family.

Navigating the Dreaded Divorce Talk

Here are six crucial messages to include in your divorce talk.

1. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Children of all ages tend to blame themselves when parents are upset. It’s essential to let them know they are innocent and not to blame on any level, even if you’ve been fighting over the kids!

2. BOTH OF US WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR PARENTS. Kids fear losing one or both parents in a divorce. They need reassurance that, despite divorce, we are still a family and we will always be your parents. This is especially important if another love partner is in the picture!

3. WE WILL BOTH ALWAYS LOVE YOU. Remind your kids frequently of how much both of you love them and always will, despite the divorce. Kids can harbor fears that one or both of their parents may divorce them in the future. They need parental reassurance regarding this anxiety again and again.

4. THIS IS ABOUT CHANGE, NOT ABOUT BLAME. Show a united front without judgment. This isn’t the time to blame their other parent for causing the divorce. Focus on all the natural changes that take place in life: seasons, birthdays, school grades, sports teams. Explain this is a change in the form of our family – but we are still a family nevertheless!

5. YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE SAFE. Divorce can seem to shatter the world around your children. Their sense of safety and security can appear to be destroyed. They need to be reminded that this is not the case. That life will go on as normal in many ways and you are still there for them to help them adapt to any changes.

6. THINGS WILL WORK OUT OKAY. Let your children know both parents are working out the adult details so all will be well in the weeks, months and years ahead. Then step up and make mature, responsible, compassionate decisions on their behalf by putting yourself in their shoes and honoring their emotional and psychological needs. Reach out to a divorce professional for added support and suggestions.

Align Yourselves and Your Messages as Parents

With these crucial points clearly in mind you can address this complex subject more successfully than you might have expected. The more aligned both parents are in their messages, the easier it is for your kids to accept the changes ahead. Your children are depending on you both – as parents – to guide them through this challenging time. Be there for them. They need you now more than ever!

Using family photos in a storybook customized to your family is a helpful way to convey many of the concepts addressed above. But it’s not necessary. What is necessary is that you as parents show a united front for the children. That will help to ease their fear, confusion and anxiety every step of the way.

Learn more about this topic at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com/kids.

Learn more about Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach Rosalind Sedacca and other divorce and co—parenting issues and resources at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post 6 CRUCIAL MESSAGES WHEN TELLING YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING DIVORCE appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

The Divorce/Separation Path

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Most all mental health practitioners consider forgiveness to be a major step forward in coping with life’s harshest experiences. Divorce certainly fits into that category. It’s important to explore the value of forgiving yourself for anything related to your past relationships and the divorce. In that way you can benefit from learning lessons that life gives us for personal growth

Self-Forgiveness is a Healthy Personal Choice!

Forgiveness starts by making a decision to forgive.  That decision frees you to let go of the old hurts. You give yourself permission to release the negative emotions associated with past and present relationship partners. You then choose to not let their decisions, comments and actions hurt you anymore.  The healing choice is yours to make!

Look for the GIFT in every lesson!

1.    Write down each of the lessons you have learned.

3.    Vow to not repeat the lesson again.

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For accrss to all of her resources and instant download of her FREE CO-PARENTING EBOOK  go to: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com 

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post The Power of Forgiveness in Divorce: The Gift You Give Yourself! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Grandparents – grandchildren – affected by divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

When parents divorce, each member of the family is affected in unique and personal ways. This is influenced by the age of the child, their gender and their relationship with their siblings. Equally important is how close they were to each parent. Many other factors impact the physical, mental and emotional repercussions in the months and years ahead.

One that’s too often overlooked are the grandparents. Their lives can be forever changed and scarred by the complexities of divorce.  Custody issues are hard enough for parents to battle out. Few take into account the consequences for grandparents. Their unconditional love for the grandchildren can  play such a healthy and rewarding part of normal family life. It can be a refuge your kids will depend on post-divorce as well!

Don’t make innocent grandparents pay the price!

This is a time for clear thinking on behalf of your children. Should they be deprived of the warmth, intimacy and loving support of grandparents just because you are angry at your former spouse? When you take out your marital frustrations on your children’s grandparents — it’s your children who will suffer.

Grandparents have a special place in the lives and hearts of their grandchildren. Usually they are the ones to spoil and indulge the kids. Grandparents also take them off your hands when no one else can come to the rescue.

Breaking the bond can be hurtful for everyone!

Of course, not all grandparents fit the idyllic stereotype. Nor are all grandparents emotionally close to their grandchildren. But if your in-laws have a healthy relationship with your children, think long and hard before severing that cord.

A child-centered divorce honors and respects all the adults and children who play a part in your family. Especially those who ease your children through the challenges of separation or divorce. Grandparents can help maintain the kids’ lives as closely as possible to their pre-divorce routines. Minimizing the disruption in daily schedules and activities eases the transition through divorce and beyond.

Spending time with grandma and grandpa is usually a treat. Whether every Sunday, once a month or once a year over holiday vacations, it’s the consistency that matters. It means life is going on with some semblance of sameness and ease.

Your children need family love and support!

Consider the consequences before interrupting or sabotaging that relationship. Don’t deny your children the support system they have come to love and depend upon. Don’t act out of spite, resentment or any other motive not empathic for your children.

Divorce is tough all around. It behooves you to do the right thing every step of the way. Seek out professional guidance if you need help regarding decisions affecting your kids. Let those decisions be motivated by your love for those children. And not by vindictiveness against your ex. Or resentment against others who deeply love your children, as well.

*    *   *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of several ebooks, ecourses  and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, To learn more about Rosalind’s coaching services and tools, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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The post Don’t Divorce Your Children’s Grandparents! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The post Talk “To” – Not “At” – Your Child … Through Divorce and Beyond! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Pets help children cope with divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Abandoned pets are one of the many sad outcomes of divorce. Marital problems, conflict and ultimately divorce is behind a significant number of pet turn-ins for animal shelters every year.

Often one spouse doesn’t want to take the dog or cat while the other can’t keep them due to downsizing or reduced income. Many rental apartments won’t take pets over twenty pounds or allow more than one animal per unit.

Sometimes couples will fight dramatically over family pets. They bring the conflict into mediation or attorney negotiations with as much emotion as their battles over child custody.

In most states pets are still considered property, much like a car or antique furniture. The emotional connection to the family is not a factor in determining pet custody or relevance.

Heartbreaking outcomes for children

Frequently the divorcing couple doesn’t want to give up the pet, but circumstances just get in the way. And it’s especially heartbreaking when children are involved. Children are very attached to their pets. Losing a beloved friend and companion is always tough. Happening when their world is in emotional disarray can take its toll on kids of all ages, including teens.

If at all possible, parents should try to keep the family pet in the family. The child-pet relationship can be a trusted source of unconditional love and security when the child really needs it.

Don’t use pets as pawns

Shelter workers report the sad outcomes when pets are used as pawns in a divorce, as when children are exploited in the same way. Some angry spouses will give the animal to a shelter just to spite and hurt their soon-to-be Ex. Others may use the pet as a source of battle. They   know the bond gives one spouse leverage over the other in negotiating terms of the divorce. Veterinarians and animal shelters around the world see this on a routine basis. They also know the heart-breaking consequences for the animals involved.

Some couples will arrange for pet visits and some will agree to share costs of pet care following the divorce. But too frequently animals are abandoned at shelters, dropped off in the heat of an argument, and left to an uncertain future.

The Child-Centered Divorce Network encourages pet owners facing divorce to work together. Do what’s best for your pet, just as you try to do for your children. Take into consideration that pets are therapeutic assets in our lives. They can be especially helpful for adults as well as children when going through the challenges related to divorce.

Make responsible, compassionate decisions, knowing that your pets are attached to you just as you are to them. Abandoning your pet takes a heavy emotional toll on these innocent beings – just as with your children!

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She’s a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, ebooks, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com. 

©All Rights Reserved    Rosalind Sedacca

The post  Protecting Your Pets As Well As Children During & After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Ready to end the toxic communication and court proceedings!

Tired of the power games and threats?

Learn how to respond so that negative communication is shut down.

Welcome to Conscious Co-Parenting

with JANET PRICE  —

Divorce, Co-Parenting & Life Transition Coach

 Most parents believe a divorce is or was the best option for you and your children to achieve a life of peace and happiness. However, for many, the divorce has brought about a whole different interchange of drama. The new peaceful life you imagined is far from what you and your children are living.

Whether you are currently divorced or not, the problems in a high-conflict relationship are similar: 

• Personal attacks via text messages, emails, & phone calls from your partner or ex spouse  

• Attempts by your partner or ex spouse to control or change the agreements regarding the children  

• Your anxiety is through the roof because the other parent quizzes the children about your activities or uses them as “pawns” to trigger you  

• Stalking or smear campaigns pop up behind your back labeling you as “the toxic one” 

• You’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument, but the goal posts have been moved yet again and your partner or ex spouse demands more proof or creates another expectation for you to prove

• You experience other abusive behaviors such as name-calling, condescending sarcasm, patronizing, gaslighting, and MORE 

It’s time to STOP the insanity and experience a life of peace!  

Janet Price understands and has been exactly where you are. She didn’t have the tools and skills necessary to navigate a high-conflict co-parent relationship, so she managed the best she could with the limited knowledge she had. 

Now, however, she has overcome her divorce and co-parenting nightmare. That’s why she can confidently guide and encourage you in yours! 

Janet Price is committed to end the generational cycle of pain and suffering caused when divorced parents unconsciously co-parent. This gift enables their children and future children to experience the freedom and joy of happy, healthy childhoods raised in strong, loving, child-focused homes.

Love and Be Loved!

Janet offers programs designed for four distinct phases any parent experiences when divorce becomes part of their life. They all have ONE END RESULT… 

Your Children feel FREE to LOVE and BE LOVED by both of their parents!

You will shift your perspective and start focusing on what really matters, your children.

You will learn life-changing coping and communication skills that are easy to understand, quick to implement, and designed to turn around negative and abusive situations immediately.

You will discover you DO HAVE CONTROL to change the direction of your difficult life path into one that is smoother, happier, and more peaceful. You and your children can experience how life is meant to be lived…in HARMONY & JOY!

Get started in reclaiming your life today!  

SCHEDULE A COMPLIMENTARY

STRATEGY CALL with Janet Price NOW!

 info@jpcoachingandconsulting.com
(424) 235 – 5350

The post Coach Janet Price Supports Child-Centered Divorce Month with her Expertise appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce is a practical guide for any woman going

According to Armstrong, after reflecting on the benefits noted in her book, there
may be more willingness among couples to consider a collaborative-type divorce
arrangement, mediation or an amicable traditional divorce rather than the usual
contentiousness that is all too familiar.

Coping with the stress compassionately

One strategy Armstrong employed was to create a strong network of close
girlfriends and “energy givers” to support herself during the transition. Other
strategies Armstrong notes in her book include how to help children manage their
lives between two homes, how to develop “compartmentalization muscles” to
cope with the stress of divorce and how to handle a year of postdivorce “firsts”
such as birthdays and holidays.

Her top-line advice for moms on achieving a successful divorce agreement
is—first and foremost—to take the high road. Whether negotiating the fine points
of shared custody or suddenly learning that the ex has started dating, taking the
high road means always staying focused on what is best for the children’s well-
being.

Untangling the “knotty” issues

Armstrong tackles a range of knotty issues, from determining co-parenting
schedules to helping children with holiday gift-giving for the ex-spouse. She
points to the day-to-day experience of the child as a yardstick for determining just
how well the transition is going.

As with all things, details matter. Armstrong encourages parents to “minimize the
gaps”—the empty hooks on the wall of family photos, the void where Dad’s
favorite chair used to be. She also urges parents to attend parent-teacher
conferences and sit together at school sporting events to show that Mom and
Dad are still Mom and Dad.

Building a secure foundation at home

Create a home base, Armstrong suggests, to build a sense of security and to
help children know, “This is my home. I belong here.” Even though children may
become professional travelers between homes, Armstrong believes they should
not have to pack a bag each time they spend the night at the other parent’s
place.

Sarah Armstrong is optimistic about the opportunity to have a good divorce and,
using her book as a guide, she is happy to share the keys to getting there.
Sarah Armstrong never expected to write a book. She has a degree in marketing
and played volleyball on scholarship at Georgetown University. Throughout her
career, Sarah has worked in global marketing where she is viewed as an industry
leader in her area of expertise. She loves traveling the world… managing the
juggling act of being a working mom… while raising her daughter, Grace.

It is Armstrong’s sincere hope that parents who want to divorce will choose
what’s best for their children during this life-changing event. The benefits of a
good divorce await them. The book is available online at Amazon and other
book sellers. For more information contact Gaye Carleton,
gaye@mantrapublicrelations.com or Christi Cassidy,
christi@mantrapublicrelations.com, +1-212-645-1600.

The post Author Sarah Armstrong’s Book Guides Moms to a Good Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

eNew Beginnings focuses on the building blocks of effective parenting after divorce or separation. Through separate classes for moms and dads, the programs offer the best evidence of positive outcomes for children.

Both parents benefit from learning:

1. Practical Tools to Protect Children from Conflict
2. How to Reduce Interparental Conflict
3. Ways to Decrease Children’s Mental Health Problems
4. Listening Tools to Get Children to Share More
5. Skills to Improve Parent’s Relationship with Children
6. Effective Tools to Decrease Children’s Misbehaviors
7. Positive Activities to Enjoy with Their Children

Long-term payoffs:

Proven Positive Outcomes: The eNew Beginnings is the online version of
the in-person program proven to reduce multiple child mental health and substance use problems up to 15 years later using the gold standard of research – a randomized trial.

Less Conflict Between Parents: Reducing parental conflict improves the life and wellbeing of parents and children alike so they can each move ahead more confidently and successfully.

Convenient and Flexible:

• Take Anywhere, On Any Device: This 100% online course is accessible via computer, laptop, tablet, or smartphone.
• Log In and Out As Needed: The course is designed to fit every  lifestyle. Parents can log in and out as needed, with all progress saved for added convenience.
• 4-6 Hours Completion Time: Each unit includes about 30 minutes of online videos and exercises over 6 or 10 sessions.
• Instant Downloadable Certificate: Once a parent completes the course and passes the skills proficiency exam, they can instantly download, print, or email their certificate to the court (6-session program only).

Improved Communication and Other Benefits For Life:

Enrolling in the eNew Beginnings Classes is a win-win for parents who are working with coaches, therapists, mediators and other divorce support. It helps parents learn respectful communication skills and anger control, encouraging healthier and smoother relationships with their children, former spouse, relatives and legal professionals.

eNew Beginnings can be the foundation for an enriching journey towards positive parenting during challenging times!

Internationally Recognized and Respected:

• Recognized by Leading Scientific Journals and Registries of Evidence-based Programs
• Thoroughly Researched Online Course
• Strengthens Parent-Child Relationships
• Improves Children’s Mental Health
• Easy and Affordable

To learn more about the eNew Beginnings 6 or 10 session programs visit:

www.divorceandparenting.com

The post eNew Beginnings: the Nation’s Leading Online Program for Divorced and Separating Parents! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Since its inception in 2011, Soberlink has been a leader in monitoring blood alcohol content for Family Law, Addiction Treatment, and Workplace Compliance. The remote breathalyzer, utilizing facial recognition technology similar to that on your phone, ensures the test-taker’s identity and sends immediate results to specified contacts. This not only proves sobriety but also offers peace of mind to all concerned parties. Additionally, the device is equipped with smart technology to detect any attempts to deceive the test, ensuring the integrity of the results.

Embracing Convenience, Speed, and Reliability

Soberlink’s alcohol monitoring is not punitive but rather a tool designed to ensure the wellbeing of both parents and children. Soberlink simplifies the process of remote alcohol testing, offering convenience, speed, and reliability—especially in custody and alcohol-related cases. The system’s Advanced Reporting feature uses AI to generates easy-to-understand testing reports, as well, so Family Law professionals and concerned parties can easily monitor an individual’s progress. Soberlink is not just a technological solution; it’s a compassionate resource for families navigating divorce and sobriety challenges.

Scheduled Testing for Peace of Mind

At the heart of Soberlink’s philosophy is the commitment to scheduled testing, eliminating the unpredictability of random tests. Fostering a supportive environment is crucial, especially when children are involved. By offering scheduled tests, Soberlink allows monitored parents to focus on quality time with their children, alleviating the anxiety surrounding the next test.

Disproving Baseless Accusations

In divorce cases, false allegations of alcohol abuse can be detrimental, particularly in custody disputes. Soberlink becomes a valuable ally in disproving such claims. By consistently testing during parenting time only under their Level 1 Program or daily under their Level 2 Program, the unbroken chain of negative results becomes an indisputable testament to the monitored parent’s sobriety, providing a reliable defense against baseless accusations.

Closing Gaps in Family Court Oversight

Soberlink’s remote alcohol monitoring technology fills a void that has troubled Family Court for generations. Before this innovative solution, judges had limited means to oversee sobriety effectively and conveniently. This gap often resulted in a disservice to compliant parents and their children. Soberlink’s technology has transformed this reality, providing a valuable tool to rebuild trust, especially in the crucially important co-parenting relationship. 

By offering documented sobriety with unmatched reliability, Soberlink empowers individuals to present compelling evidence in court, ensuring a fair and just legal process that transcends subjective testimonies.

With compassion, understanding, and innovative solutions like Soberlink, families can be assured of seeking justice while safeguarding the well-being of their loved ones.

For more information, visit: www.soberlink.com/ccd

The post Proving Sobriety With Soberlink appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

In recognition of International Child-Centered Divorce Month in January, divorce experts around the world are joining together with a goal. They provide complimentary educational resources for parents. Included are e-books, e-courses, coaching services, video programs and other valuable material. Parents who are contemplating divorce, divorcing or transitioning after divorce can access this information for free at a special website available only in January …

https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

January is the time for new beginnings. There’s a dramatic spike in divorce filings because parents facing divorce frequently wait until after the holidays to tell their children. There are also tax considerations that motivate many to initiate a divorce at this time. 

Safeguarding Children From Regrettable Divorce Decisions

International Child-Centered Divorce Month is focused on educating parents about how divorce can affect innocent children. The participating divorce attorneys, mediators, coaches, therapists and parenting experts are there to help. They guide parents in making wiser, more compassionate decisions mindful of the emotional and psychological impact of divorce on children.

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, who initiated Child-Centered Divorce Month  in 2007, sums up the importance of this month-long event. “Our purpose is support, education and mistake prevention. We want to encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation and toward amicable, and cooperative, mediated solutions whenever possible. We provide better options for parents when breaking the divorce news to their children. We show them how to co-parent more effectively. And we help them make wiser decisions that safeguard their children as a win/win for everyone in the family.”

Sedacca is Founder and Director of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is also a Certified Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. Rosalind is the author of several divorce courses and books including, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  In addition, she hosts the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living radio show and podcast.

Supporting Families During & Long After Divorce

Soberlink

International Child-Centered Divorce Month is supported by professionals and organizations that are focused on strengthening the family dynamic during and after divorce. One such company is Soberlink, whose remote recovery technology makes monitoring alcohol use in divorce custody cases, easy, convenient and discreet. The advanced features, including facial recognition, empower parents who are in the fight against alcohol addiction. Their tools help to protect children while rebuilding trust and peace of mind. 

eNew Beginnings

eNew Beginnings, created by Family Transitions, is a program that teaches tools within the four building blocks of effective parenting after divorce or separation. eNBP provides  the nation’s leading research-based online parenting classes. The classes offer positive activities for having more fun with children. They provide listening tools to get children to share more. They also demonstrate effective strategies for decreasing children’s misbehavior as well as proven ways to protect children from conflict with an ex-partner.

Sarah Armstrong

Author Sarah Armstrong lends her support through the messages in her new book, A Mom’s Guide To A Good Divorce: What to think through when children are involved. Her guidance, written in a conversational tone, is served up in bite-sized pieces. It prepares mothers for the discussions they need to have and the decisions they need to make. While focusing on the children … the message reminds moms to prioritize themselves as well.

Janet Price

Additional support comes from Janet Price, a Divorce, Parenting, Co-Parenting & Life Transition Coach. Janet guides parents through the pain of divorce and beyond, so they can rise above the trauma to experience a life of peace and harmony. Her purpose is to  end the generational cycle of pain and suffering caused when parents ‘Un’ Consciously co-parent. Through her coaching she enables parents to help their children grow into emotionally healthy adults. The children are boosted by the freedom and joy to love and be loved by both of their parents!

For access to the complimentary resources provided by divorce experts world-wide in January, visit: https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC can be reached at www.childcentereddivorce.com or at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. 

Soberlink can be reached through Samantha Gianatti at sgianetti@soberlink.com or https://www.soberlink.com.

Family Transitions can be reached through CEO Greg Scaven at gscaven@divorceandparenting.com or https://www.divorceandparenting.com. 

Sarah Armstrong can be reached through Christy Cassidy at christy@mantrapublications.com. 

Janet Price can be reached at jp@jpcoachingandconsulting.com or https://www.jpcoachingandconsulting.com.

The post Rosalind Sedacca, CDC Joins Global Divorce Experts To Protect Children appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

With a new year looming before us, there’s no better time to reflect on ways we can let go of hurt, guilt, anxiety, anger and other emotions that destroy our inner peace and harmony. One of the most effective ways to heal from within is through the power of FORGIVENESS!

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, pain, hurt as well as thoughts of revenge.  Forgiving doesn’t mean you are forgetting or denying the pain and hurt. It means you are releasing the grip it has over your life. It means you choose to focus  on more positive facets of life for your own well-being.  Forgiving does not mean you deny the other person’s responsibility in hurting you, nor does it minimize that pain.  

We don’t forgive for the other person. We forgive because of the value it brings to us!

Through forgiveness you can better understand that no one is perfect — that we all make mistakes. Forgiveness enables you to come to terms with your inner turmoil by letting go of the destructive thoughts you may be harboring inside – thoughts that cause you distress and discomfort. 

To forgive means you take back control of your life and dissolve the hateful thoughts that follow you wherever you go.  

                                    How & Why Forgiveness Works

Here are some key points to understand about forgiveness and why all mental health practitioners consider it a major step forward in coping with life’s harshest experiences:

1.    You forgive for its value to you – regardless of whether the other person “deserves” to be forgiven.  It is about regaining your personal power.
2.    You forgive because it feels better inside you. It also makes you “a bigger, better” person.
3.    When you reach a state of forgiveness, you reduce the awkwardness of being together at gatherings — relieving tension and uncomfortable moments. This can be especially valuable for family members after a divorce.
4.    You experience a kind of emotional and spiritual peace and healing when you forgive. The offense loses its power over you and stops being the object of all your thoughts.
5.    Forgiveness begins with a decision to stop harboring resentment and enables you to finally move on with your own life.
6.    Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.  It is not something you do for someone else.  It is ultimately an internal decision and inner process.
7.    With forgiveness, you give up playing the powerless role of victim.
8.    An important step in the process of forgiveness is remembering the experience and seeking deeper understanding of its emotional impact on you. Then you decide to end the impact from a position of personal power!
9.    The sense of personal power enables you to rise above the painful event and move it into your personal history, not part of your future life.
10.    Through forgiveness, you become your own ally — an agent of change in your own life. It introduces you to a new way of experiencing hurtful events without holding on to the pain.
11.    Forgiveness begins when the victim starts to look at the accused as a fallible, imperfect human being who in many ways is not much different than him/herself.
12.    The conscious act of forgiving will increase your self-esteem, reduce your anger and inhibit your anxiety.

                                               Healing Is a Choice You Make

Forgiveness starts by making a decision to forgive. That decision frees you to let go of the old hurts.  You give yourself permission to release the negative emotions associated with that other person and choose to not let their past actions hurt you anymore.  The healing choice is yours to make.  

Unless you forgive others, your feelings of resentment, hurt and humiliation will continue being an active part of your life.   Unless you forgive yourself, your feelings of guilt and shame will continue to entrap you!

Don’t forget to forgive yourself right now for any actions you took that you may regret. We all would do better if we knew better. Now that you do know better, make a conscious choice to behave in more positive and productive ways. Your future actions will reflect on your new perspective about yourself, your family and those you interact with in today’s complex world!

                            Using Life Lessons To Create a Brighter Future

Every experience in life – good or bad – can be a teaching for us. Consider your lesson in forgiveness as a vehicle for personal growth.  This means getting in touch with what you learned from the experience so you never repeat the same mistakes again.  With this understanding, all mistakes become stepping stones for enhancing your growth — rather than sources of pain and despair.

To get the full benefit of insight, think about what you have learned from all your past/present experiences.

1.    Write down each of the lessons you have learned
2.    Acknowledge the benefits of having had those lessons (every experience can be a teachable valuable moment if we look at it that way)
3.    Vow to not repeat the lesson again
4.    Appreciate the wisdom you have gleaned from your past and acknowledge yourself as a wiser, more empowered, better person as a result
5.    Close your eyes and fully experience how that acknowledgment feels within you. Congratulations! You are experiencing true personal growth!

Martin Luther King – “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive.  He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.  There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.  When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

    *      *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post Using Forgiveness To Boost Healing, Health & Harmony in Life appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

What makes the holiday season so challenging for parents considering divorce, moving through the process or transitioning after divorce? 

Memories of the past. So many difficult emotions come up. It’s frightening to think of what lies ahead when a marriage breaks apart. It’s hard to face the differences in our life, especially all the unknowns looming ahead.

For many, there’s a the challenge of facing lonliness versus being alone and content. Be aware of what you are telling yourself. Expectations set us up for disappointment. When we focus on the past and make comparisons, that’s when we feel the pain and sadness more acutely. Feeling powerless adds to the pain and frustration.

How does your mindset, beliefs and expectations impact your holiday experience?

Our attitude influences how we handle any challenge. We need to understand that change is natural in life. Accepting change is essential for good mental health. It’s a key point in talking about divorce with your children and coping with differences in their lives year-round, not just for the holidays.

Resistance — refusing to accept what is, creates pain. The more we can let go of what was and embrace what is and what can be, the better life feels and the more open we are to new and better experiences ahead. So acceptance is essential to more peace and happiness.

Anticipation of good ahead helps us move on more readily. Look for the good. Catch yourself smiling or laughing and feeling good. Indulge yourself in little things that support you: a bubble bath, visiting a place you love, seeing a great movie, grabbing lunch with a friend, getting a new hairstyle.

How can we talk to our children about changes in the holidays after divorce to help them cope? 

Acknowledge their feelings:

Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.  Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Recognize that some children will hold their feelings in to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.

Show compassion:

Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way,despite divorce.

Create New Memories and Traditions:

This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

Kids look to us to determine how to “take” or accept situations. If we’re excited about introducing new experiences, they will be too. If we can continue old traditions with the kids, do it to maintain connections with the past. If not, finding new outlets for pleasure and fulfillment can be a blessing for parents as well as their children.

Some new traditions may include:

• How, where and when you get your Christmas tree. Buy it earlier or later, trim with a new theme, create a party with new friends or neighbors to trim it.
• Trying new recipes and combinations of foods. Create new side dishes or desserts.
• Decorating changes. Buying a new ornament representative of a new place you’ve visited each year or a new activity or sport the kids have started each year.
• Changing the time-frame for activities and visits this year. Eat earlier or later. Open gifts differently. Create special time for phone calls to your children’s other parent and grandparents. Invite new friends over for visits during Christmas Eve or later Christmas day.
• Planning a trip to spend the holidays with a friend or relative rather than at home. Or visit an exciting winter venue.
• Adding new activities such as sledding, ice-skating, visiting the zoo or a new museum during holiday week.
• Bringing the children to participate in a Community event, toy drive, soup kitchen, pet shelter or other place where they get to understand the spirit of giving selflessly. 

How can parents navigate the alone time away from their children during the holidays?

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents are the alone-times when your children are visiting their other parent. Parents alone during the winter holidays need to get creative and absorbed in activities that are fulfilling for them.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed with grief or self-pity. Dwelling on what used to be, and on holiday memories of the past, takes us into a downward spiral that leads to more pain and sadness. Expressing these feelings can also make your children feel guilty about not being with you. That detracts from their own enjoyment of the holidays. And most times, it’s really out of the children’s control.

Being a good parent is about helping our children master the challenges in life. To do that we need to master them ourselves. I always look for the “lesson or gift” in any challenging life experience. Learning to accept what is without resistance is healthy for everyone. Learning to embrace change, because it’s inevitable, is a lesson in having a happier, more successful life. The truth is, the only thing we can change in life is OURSELVES. We can change our attitudes, but not how other people behave. The earlier your children understand that, the more peaceful their lives will be.

Let’s use the holiday season as a role model for embracing this concept to make life more peaceful for ourselves as well as our children!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, author and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post Answers To Divorced Parents Questions About Holiday Season Challenges appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Get divorced? Or stay in an unhappy marriage? This is a complex and controversial subject.

There are no right or wrong answers, nor are there any simplistic black and white solutions.

I am sharing my own perspective, based on my own life experiences. I welcome you to contribute your own thoughts. That’s as long as you are respectful of the rights of others to see the world in a different light.

I am a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. I’m also the Founder of the internationally-acclaimed Child-Centered Divorce Network. In addition, I grew up in a family that stayed together for the sake of the kids, so I have a good perspective on both sides of this topic. Obviously neither option is one any family would choose – they both create pain and hurt.

However, I am opting in on the side of divorce when home life is getting toxic. Divorce is  preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children grow up surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often said, “I’d rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one.” I firmly believe he’s right.

Children are scarred when parents are emotionally divorced — 

yet stay  married!

Staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice . It doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. There is no positive role model of how marriage can and should be lived. Happiness, harmony, collaboration, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it, and often blame themselves. They’re usually guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood.

That’s why I chose the other route when my marriage was failing. However, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I call a child-centered divorce. I co-parented with my former husband, shared custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decades that followed. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son writing the introduction to my book. He thanked me and acknowledged the merits of my philosophy and behavior.

An effective and positive way to break the divorce news to children!

The book is titled, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children – With Love! It provides an innovative new way to have the dreaded “divorce” talk. What makes the book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates. They show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to break the news to their children.

Legal, educational and parenting experts as well as other professionals around the world have endorsed the book. They praise the value of my novel approach to this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples. I want them to stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.

I also provide six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand when divorce or separation are pending. And I highlight all the short- and long-term advantages of choosing a “child-centered divorce” in the months, years and decades to come.

Protect your children from a dead marriage!

I wish all parents had the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional assistance and stay together in a renewed commitment to marriage. That would absolutely be ideal. The entire family would benefit and the healing would be a blessing.

However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of sleep-walking through a dead marriage, STOP! Divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for parents and children alike. But only – and this is the key point – only if parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative child-centered divorce. A divorce that puts the children’s emotional and psychological needs first!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To access  her coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media.

The post Divorce or Stay – a Tough Challenge For Parents Either Way! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Domestic Violence & Abuse impacts Children & Co-Parents Daily

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

October is Domestic Violence & Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. It is a time for all divorced parents to reflect on their relationship with their former spouse. Is that relationship subtly or overtly affecting the emotional and psychological wellbeing of your children?

One of the most hurtful aspects of divorce and domestic Abuse — which is often overlooked – is Parental Alienation. That’s when one parent tries to keep the other from contact with the children – usually as punishment.

Threatening To Keep Your Ex From the Kids

Divorced parents can quickly learn ways to abuse their power over the other parent by using the children as a lever. Among the most harmful of these types of manipulations is making demands and threatening to eliminate or restrict contact with the kids if your ex doesn’t agree with your wishes.

Most all divorced parents have incidents and expectations that cause great frustration or anger toward their ex. But you’re stepping over the line when you make the kids a pawn in your negotiations. Demanding that your ex does something or stops another behavior and using contact with the children as punishment not only hurts your ex. It hurts, scars, confuses and frustrates your children, as well.

Putting your kids in the midst of parental conflict is toxic and has proven to be one of the greatest causes of post-divorce family problems. Children are torn about taking sides. It’s a no-win situation because they feel guilty regardless of how they choose.

Even if your ex is in some ways a negative influence on your children, there may be other aspects of the relationship in which the contact is positive, beneficial and nurturing. Let your children make the decision about whether to minimize contact with their other parent, based on their own experiences. Never let your personal bitterness influence whether your children have a relationship and an emotional connection with their Dad or Mom – unless there is actual abuse that threatens their wellbeing.

Divorce Shouldn’t Punish Children

Remember that your divorce is between both parents and not your relationship with your children. All children need positive role models of responsible parenting. They benefit from seeing two mature adults interacting effectively as parents for the sake of their kids. Children thrive under the attention of both parents. Don’t deny them the psychological value of knowing both Mom and Dad are there for them, continue to love them and will be nurturing them through the years ahead – despite the divorce.

That affirmation of support will get your kids through challenges ahead that all children face. Especially as they progress through school, tackle their own interpersonal relationships and learn how to be positive, productive citizens in this world. Be a hero in your children’s lives. Bite your tongue, vent to your friends, and make responsible decisions you can be proud of as a parent – for the sake of your kids!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, author of the internationally acclaimed ebook How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To grab her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting along with coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Domestic Abuse Includes Using the Kids to Punish Your Ex appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Learn how to Support Teens Through Divorce & Co-Parenting Challenges

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce is tough on families. Everyone is affected, especially the children. In most cases, the older the children, the more complex the reaction and more difficult the adaptation. There are many reasons why.

Older children have a longer history in the former family unit, regardless of how healthy or toxic it has been. Perhaps they remember better times when both parents interacted with them and each other with more joy and harmony. Even if there were no good times to look back upon, teenagers were accustomed to the existing family dynamic, knew their place in the structure, and felt a sense of comfort in “what is.”

Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are feeling their oats and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.

Teens are also more judgmental and opinionated than younger children. Consequently they are less likely to blame themselves for the divorce — as younger kids frequently do! They’re also more apt to take sides and blame one of their parents.

SUPPORTING TEENS THROUGH DIVORCE &

CO-PARENTING CHALLENGES

Sunday, October 1st – 2:00 pm ET / 11:00 am PT

4 hours — $249 … REGISTER HERE!

Many therapists see teens side with the parent who is more permissive. They take advantage of the weakened parental structure to try to get away with more rebellious behaviors. Some teens choose to side with the more powerful parent – often Dad – to bolster their sense of security. This is so even if they were emotionally closer to Mom. Often the more powerful parent is less likely to abuse the child that aligns with them.

Anger is a common reaction from older children. This is heightened with teens who are not given the opportunity to vent, express their feelings and be heard. The built-up anger often manifests as physical rebellion, drug or alcohol abuse or other inappropriate behaviors. To complicate matters, communication is often more difficult with teens who are acting out. That’s because they are usually less talkative, more likely to keep their feelings held in and more moody than their younger siblings.

With this in mind, how can parents bridge this communication and credibility gap with their older children? Amy Sherman, a therapist in private practice who has dealt extensively with troubled teen populations, makes these suggestions:

1. Listen to and hear your teen!

Make your family a democracy. That means opening the door to listening to and “hearing” your older children. Even if you don’t like what they are saying! Kids need to know they can express themselves without being disciplined or made wrong. At the same time, she warns against being too permissive. That inevitably leads to exploitation from teens who are always testing their boundaries.

2. Talk to your teen together!

Whenever possible, both parents should talk to the teen together. Discuss issues as honestly as is appropriate. All children are natural manipulators. Don’t let separation or divorce give them the opportunity to divide and conquer. Talking to the kids together, on the same page regarding family rules and values, is your best insurance for keeping older children as allies.

3. Bond after divorce through co-parenting!

Co-parenting after the divorce is your optimum goal. It provides a level of consistency, espeically if both parents can agree on discipline and other major issues. When that is not possible, keeping both parents in their parental roles goes a long way toward maintaining stability within a transforming family structure.

4. Foster security through boundaries!

Children need and actually appreciate structure, even teens. It creates the security they crave, especially at challenging times. Try to maintain boundaries as close to the pre-divorce reality as possible. When both parents share basic guidelines and agreements within the family structure, regardless of which house the children are in, they will feel safer and more secure. Your children will also feel more cared about and loved. That in itself is vitally important as the family moves into unknown changes and transitions.

Remember, children of all ages mirror what they see. If your children are acting out, look within the family system for the cause. Get the help you need in making internal changes, and they are more likely to follow suit. At the same time, be patient, tolerant and understanding with yourself and everyone else within your family. This too shall pass!

Announcing a very special 4-hour Workshop:

SUPPORTING TEENS THROUGH DIVORCE &

CO-PARENTING CHALLENGES

Presented by Rosalind Sedacca, CDC & Unnatti Jain, PhD

For parents, educators, therapists and other professionals!

Sunday, October 1st – 2:00 pm ET / 11:00 am PT

4 hours — $249

Includes Workshop Guide, Q&A sessions, role modeling & more

— plus workshop recording.

TO RESERVE YOUR PLACE, REGISTER HERE!

                                                                           *    *    *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell The Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook and access her coaching services, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media!

Copyright © Rosalind Sedacca   All Rights Reserved

The post Divorce Is Tough – And Even Tougher On Teens! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

We all know co-parenting can be challenging. And when communication breaks down, it can lead to conflict which negatively impacts the entire family. That’s why, as founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, I was so impressed when I learned about the new Co-Parent Hub. It’s a solution designed to eliminate many of the interactions that cause strain in co-parenting relationships. 

The creator of Co-Parent Hub, Alex Pelli, sums it up by saying, “We stop the fighting before it even starts.”

How? By making communication MUCH easier!

When you sign up, you get a Co-Phone and a Co-Email that you put on file with the school, pediatrician, dentist, sport coaches — even parents of your kids’ friends. When they need to get in touch, they use that info and Co-Parent Hub will route the call/text/email to BOTH co-parents at the same time!

This means no missed messages and no being left in the dark.

Plus, since they now only have the one number for both parents, there’s no way for them to call the wrong co-parent — and everyone stays informed!

CALLS, TEXTS & EMAILS DELIVERED INSTANTLY TO BOTH PARENTS

Alex Pelli, a single dad of two wonderful girls, created the prototype of the Co-Parent Hub after his own divorce. Because co-parenting involves more than just communication, Pelli kept adding tools to address other common sources of conflict: money and custody. With each Co-Parent Hub account, users gain access to Co-Swap and Co-Expense.

Co-Expense tracks shared expenses and streamlines the process of settling debts. Co-Parent expenses are organized in a clear list, making it easy to see how much is owed by each parent. Rather than going through each expense line-by-line, Co-Parent Hub allows for a single payment to settle all debts, saving time and reducing the potential for conflicts.

Co-Swap simplifies planning custody swaps which both parents can easily request. When approved by the co-parent, the swapped time goes into the other parent’s Swap Bank, like an IOU system. Parents can monitor custody time and adjust accordingly. A key benefit of this approach is that it helps avoid elaborate negotiations. It also keeps the parents from acting out of fear, knowing the time will be properly recorded. A historical record is always available to be referenced.

With Co-Phone, Co-Text, Co-Email as well as Co-Expense and Co-Swap, Co-Parent Hub stands apart for its remarkable convenience. You don’t have to check a separate app or install some special software. This makes the use of Co-Parent Hub incredibly simple and seamless.

REDUCING CONFLICT BY REDUCING TENSION, ANGER AND STRESS!

Best of all, using Co-Parent Hub reduces the constant drip of negative interactions between parents, resulting in heightened cooperation and smoother communication. Your children will thank you.

“The overwhelming majority of conflict between co-parents centers on poor communication, finances, and custody time,” notes Pelli. “Conflict between co-parents almost always leads to more tension, anger, and stress at home, which negatively impacts the children. The tools we developed for Co-Parent Hub makes most of the toxic communication between co-parents completely unnecessary. Our unique approach to these important concepts is where the magic happens. We’ve seen, first hand, that using these tools produces a much more harmonious environment for children of all ages. It’s our sincere desire to help others achieve this same result.”

Alex Pelli is a strong advocate of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. To show his support he is offering my community the opportunity to try Co-Parent Hub at a special discount. You can get the app for just $1 a month for 3 months! Just enter the code: ROSALIND143 when you sign up!

Visit coparenthub.com to start your 3 month discounted trial now!

The post CO-PARENT HUB Takes the Conflict Out of Co-Parenting! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Divorce conflict hurts kids!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC   

Divorce is a highly emotional topic. When children are involved the consequences are far more dramatic – and, not surprisingly, so are our opinions. I know there are many people who sincerely believe that no divorce is a good divorce. That children are always and inevitably harmed by the physical and emotional separation of their parents. And that parents should – for the sake of the kids – just stick it out and not rock the boat with divorce or separation until the children are grown.

This is a particularly prevalent view for many grown children of divorce who have felt wounded. They’ve experienced the dramatic life changes that come with divorce and feel permanently scarred as a result.

Simply staying together can scar children too!

Their response is certainly understandable. But it’s not the final word on this subject. I have another perspective. It’s based on the experience of being raised by parents who chose to stay together “for the sake of the kids.”

My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together. They had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day when I was in early adolescence whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. However, my childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity.  Immersed in that insecurity I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway. Those were vastly different times, especially for women. So she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades more.

Looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking. And they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The cost, of course, was the well-being of their family, especially their children. I believe they would both have been happier had they parted ways. They then could have remained single or chosen another mate.

Divorce itself doesn’t scar children!

Based on my own personal experience, I’ve come to firmly believe that it’s not divorce that scars our children.

• It’s wounded parents who do not care or understand that their behavior is hurting their children.
• It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids.
• It’s egocentric parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children regardless of the impact on the other parent.
• It’s unconscious parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love both parents.
• It’s greedy parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional wellbeing of their children.
• In essence, it’s selfish parents who scar their children through and after the divorce.

Selfish parents put themselves first!

Selfish parents put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children regarding parenting decisions. When these parents get a divorce, the consequences are not only sad. Too often they end up wounding vulnerable psyches.

They forget — or are ignorant about — how their decisions will affect their children in the months, years and, yes, decades ahead. It is not divorce itself at fault. It’s two parents so enraged by each other that they choose blind hatred over conscious, loving wisdom. The children always pay the price!

There is much more that can be said on this subject. However, space prompts me to stop for now. I value your feedback on this controversial topic and encourage thoughtful dialogue with one another. Please send your comments along to me for more in-depth discussion.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She’s a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach . She’s the author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media.

The post Does Divorce Scar Children — Or Is It Their Selfish Parents? appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Alcohol addiction can dramatically affect any co-parenting relationship, jeopardizing children’s safety and impacting the parent-child relationship. That’s when Soberlink comes into play. It’s been a trusted solution for co-parents for over a decade, providing two crucial benefits: it helps parents prove their sobriety in custody and alcohol cases and helps improve the safety and well-being of their children.

Proving Sobriety and Rebuilding Trust

Soberlink is a remote alcohol monitoring technology. It’s specifically designed to assist parents who have struggled with alcohol abuse or have been falsely accused of alcohol abuse. By using this device, parents can provide concrete, court-admissible evidence of their sobriety. Consequently, Soberlink helps to rebuild trust between co-parents while protecting innocent children.

Soberlink’s high-tech breathalyzer device offers advanced features such as facial recognition and tamper detection, ensuring the integrity of each test. The innovative system also provides real-time updates, promoting swift intervention to optimize child safety.

The system’s Advanced Reporting capabilities use a simple color format for easy-to-understand reporting. Green represents compliant tests, yellow for missed tests, and red indicates non-compliant tests due to alcohol detection or tampering events.

Retest Cycle and Swift Intervention

When a non-compliant test appears, the device prompts the client to retest in 15 minutes. This ensures that contamination, such as mouthwash, was not a factor.

Clients can also opt-in for mobile phone text notifications. If additional non-compliant tests follow, retesting is possible for up to 3 hours until a compliant test is submitted. Immediate email and/or text alerts to contacts ensure swift intervention in case of positive or missed tests, further supporting Soberlink’s commitment to child safety.

Proven Effectiveness and Nationwide Availability

Soberlink has already helped over 500,000 people document real-time proof of sobriety. It is widely used in all 50 U.S. states, providing added security and peace of mind in child custody cases.

Due to its effectiveness and reliability, many Family Law professionals consider Soberlink the “Gold Standard” in alcohol monitoring across the U.S.

Flexible Parenting Programs

Soberlink offers two parenting programs to meet the unique needs of divorcing parents. Level 1, known as Parenting Time Only, provides flexibility in testing schedules. Monitored co-parents are only required to test during custodial time, providing a highly adaptable approach.

Level 2, called Daily Testing, has schedules managed by Soberlink. The monitored parent must test seven days a week, ensuring 100% abstinence. These program options suit different parenting situations designed to encourage successful co-parenting.

Supporting the Best Interests of the Child      

The Child-Centered Divorce Network endorses Soberlink because it focuses on the best interests of the child. Despite a parent’s current or past history with alcohol addiction, Soberlink enables children to foster relationships with both parents. That, in turn, promotes more positive co-parenting relationships.

If you’re a divorcing parent coping with alcohol addiction issues, Soberlink’s remote alcohol monitoring technology offers a valuable solution. By providing concrete proof of sobriety, it protects children while helping parents to rebuild trust. You can learn more about this innovative technology at Soberlink. 

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post When Alcohol Abuse Impacts Co-Parenting, Soberlink is a Trusted Solution appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Many caring parents I speak to admit to feeling tremendous guilt during and after their divorce. It’s easy to understand why. Parents who are aware of the emotional toll a separation or divorce can take on their children feel torn about whether they made the right decision.

Are they being selfish in moving ahead with the divorce? Will this experience psychologically scar their children for life? Will the kids ever forgive them – or their other parent – for initiating the divorce? Are they making the right decisions regarding co-parenting, visitation, communication and discussing all related issues with the kids?

These are valid questions to ask yourself. The answers should be seriously considered before making any move in the direction of divorce. However, divorce is never a black and white issue. Changing the form of a family unit doesn’t necessarily mean destroying the family. Or the love between parents and children. It all depends upon how you handle the challenges. Sometimes divorce is the wisest decision. Often it’s the best direction to move in to provide stability and peace of mind. Especially for a family experiencing devastating emotional turmoil.

Guilt can keep you stuck in regret!

Guilt in itself can be a very destructive emotion. It’s based on focusing your attention on the past. When you bring a magnifying glass to your past you’re inevitably going to find many decisions, behaviors and actions to regret. Guilt is about getting stuck in those regrets. It can consume your thoughts, your days and your activities. It can also fill you with shame, remorse and self-flagellation.

Don’t be a victim of your own guilt. Take action instead! Maybe you behaved in ways you regret. Said things you wish you hadn’t. Or didn’t do what you now know you should have. It’s time to determine how you can make amends.
 
Can you sincerely apologize to the parties you hurt? Or perhaps write a note? Can you begin taking a new direction in your life based on wiser decisions?

Would you be able to teach or share lessons you learned with others? This is often a valuable way to take the sting out of life lessons. So your pain is not in vane. Many divorce coaches and family therapists have stories to tell of their own misguided decisions. Most are eager to share their personal insights with clients.

Let go of the past!

Start by moving your attention into the present, rather than the past. You’ll usually feel relief and a sense of power over your life once again. You’re taking steps to right a wrong or make a challenging situation more tolerable. You’re changing the course of your life and hopefully the lives of others involved – moving it in a better direction for everyone in the family.

Most important of all, you are more likely to come to the place of forgiving yourself and letting go. You’ve attempted to make amends. You’ve acknowledged your errors and taken a wiser course of action. You’ve learned valuable lessons you can share with others. You’re taking responsibility for your behaviors, not lingering in a pity party over past deeds.

These are ways you can start projecting your thoughts into the present – not the future. From here you can begin living a life that is more rewarding, peaceful and satisfying – despite or as a result of – your divorce!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post How To Cope With Parental Guilt After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca CDC

Divorce, like life, is rarely neat and packaged. This is especially true for divorcing parents. The reality of divorce comes with challenges. Unexpected twists, constant frustrations and times of utter helplessness when children act out or pull away.

Here are three important tips for coping and responding when your children are venting or lashing out. Or perhaps, expressing their own frustrations about being caught up in a family adjusting to separation or divorce.

1. Diffuse blame

Some children, especially pre-teens and teens, may blame one parent or the other for the divorce. Sometimes they may be correct in this interpretation. Especially under situations  they have been aware of for years (alcoholism, absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Other times they side with one parent as a result of their prior relationship dynamics with that parent.

Regardless of why you or your spouse are blamed, keep your cool. In many cases blaming is a defense against feeling overwhelmed by the complexities in your child’s life. Suddenly there are so many changes in such a short period of time. Often this behavior is not meant to be taken personally. It is merely a child’s way of coping.

When you keep this in mind it is easier to not personalize the outbursts and accusations. Patiently remind your child that you understand their frustrations. Acknowledge they have a sincere right to feel that way. Tell them how much you love them and how much you regret their hurt and pain. Let them know this was a difficult decision for both parents. A decision you feel is the best alternative for your family’s future happiness and well-being. Be patient and consistent. And don’t internalize a child’s expressions of frustration as a lack of love for you as a parent.

2. Counter distress

Often, negative comments from your children are expressions of distress and not criticism. Children want and need encouragement, support, and security during times of stress and change. Frequently their needs are not being met because one or both parents are too caught up in their own hurt and drama. Consequently it is not surprising to hear negative comments and outbursts. Understand that this is a call for attention, recognition and the emotional healing that you can provide. Then you can move into action.

This is the time to focus on the key messages every child needs to hear. They include: You are safe … loved by both of your parents … will not lose either parent … are not to blame for the divorce … and, although change can be challenging, everything will work out okay.

3. Patiently accept

In many ways divorce is like death. Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply be there for your children. Understand what they are going through from their perspective. Talk if they want to talk. Hug and cuddle if they respond to affection. Continue as many family routine activities as possible on a day-to-day basis. Be honest and sincere when you are upset or frustrated by changes in your family life. Let your child express their frustrations, as well. Most importantly, accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as okay for them to feel. Without judgment.

Try to put yourself into the mind-set of your child and experience the world from their viewpoint. It will help you be more empathic and open to really “hearing” what they have to say.

This is what creating a “child-centered” divorce is all about. Prioritize your children’s emotional and physical needs when making life-altering decisions related to separation or divorce.

Parents who consciously create a “child-centered” divorce have their radar constantly on. They’re attuned to subtle changes in their children’s behavior. Especially before that evolves into overwhelming challenges. Their children feel that they count. They know they are a vital part of the family dynamic – even if it is evolving into a different form. These children are less fearful. They are also more likely to move on in their lives with confidence and high self-esteem. Isn’t that what you want for your children?

*   *   *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! and other valuable resources, visit: https://childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post When Children of Divorce Act Out – Caring Parents Step Up! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

parenting after divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting plans are a commonly used tool for managing co-parenting post-divorce. It helps both parents coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with one another following divorce.

In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children. It also addresses other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come.

The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children’s best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.

Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often, they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time. Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out. All of these agreements help minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

Parenting plans should ideally reflect real life in your real family. These tips will help you put your attention on what really matters in creating life after divorce in the best possible way.

Encourage flexible parenting plans and co-parenting

While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn’t get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.

Quality parenting is attentive parenting

No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don’t try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.

Help your children adjust between homes

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children – regardless of their age.

Consistency eases the way for children

Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when both parents agree on basic parenting issues. So try not to contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don’t put down their other parent – even if you don’t agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don’t make a big deal about those issues.

Be especially mindful about new relationship partners

Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.

Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life – and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! Rosalind offers coaching services along with valuable resources for parents about divorcing and co-parenting. She also has a free ebook on co-parenting success strategies for instant download at: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com. 

All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Over the years there have been endless studies on the effects of divorce on parents and children. Some of the results are controversial. Others seem to be universally accepted as relevant and real. Here are a few of my perceptions from studies on children who experience divorce that I believe all of us, as parents, should take to heart.

Use your post-divorce time ahead wisely

• Not surprisingly, the first two years of divorce are the most difficult. In some cases it takes an average of three to five years to really “work through” and resolve many of the issues and emotions that come to the surface. For some, the effects of divorce last many additional years — or even a lifetime — if not dealt
  with appropriately. Taking steps toward acceptance, responsibility and preparing for happier times ahead give your life new meaning. It can also dramatically impact the negative effects of divorce on all members of the family. That mindset is part of creating a child-centered divorce. And that will help everyone to proactively move through this time rather than merely letting “time heal all wounds.”

Understand the divorce from your child’s perspective

• Preschoolers tend to be more frightened and anxious, but seem to adjust better than older children in the long run. Their biggest fear is of abandonment. Stressing security and a continuation of family routines is very helpful for them. Older children understand more, but do not have adequate coping skills and therefore seem to have more long-term problems. This is often because they remember life before the divorce. They may experience a greater change of life
  patterns and dwell more on comparisons between the past and present. Stressing the love both parents have for your child — and that your love will continue forever is vitally important whenever possible.

Be the parental role model your children need to see 

• Children who may have witnessed a troubled marriage and family life
  may greatly benefit from observing their parents child-centered divorce. They can see both parents working out a reasonable and respectful post-divorce arrangement. This positive and mature behavior will affect a child’s adjustment more than any other factor. It also helps them relax and accept the divorce, knowing that things are working out and the future looks brighter ahead.

It is never too late to create a child-centered divorce, even if you started on the wrong track. Every step you take toward focusing on your children’s emotional, psychological and physical needs matters. The months and years post-divorce can be a step toward modeling for them how loving, compassionate, and caring parents respond to their children’s needs. I encourage you to make your relationship with your children’s other parent as respectful
and considerate as you can — for the sake of your children.

* * * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, ebooks, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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Copyright Rosalind Sedacca 

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By Rosalind Sedacca CDC

• Focus on limiting your child’s behavior, but not your child’s thoughts and feelings. Give your children the space to express who they are and how they feel about the subject at hand. Otherwise, they will repress the communication, but their resentment will incubate and grow.

• Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not “bad,” even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is important for them to understand — and for you to remember.

• Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or school-mates.

• Understand your purpose. True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive perspective. Equally important, you will not get caught up in destructive behaviors yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment.

Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts. They need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a counselor, divorce coach or other professional as soon as they sense any depression or other problem behaviors.

This is not a time to forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children. Make sure they are moving through the challenges of “change” in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.

  *     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and podcast host. She is also the author of the acclaimed e-book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting plans and contact schedules are an important part of divorce proceedings. They help create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life for divorcing parents.

I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But not all couples can work together with civility and harmony. So sometimes parallel parenting becomes the plan, meaning you both parent the children but with minimum communication between one another.

Keep in mind that your kids pick up on the emotional energy around their parents and life after divorce is smoother and easier for them when their parents behave maturely and responsibly.  

However you work out your shared parenting plan, it’s the day-to-day challenges of post-divorce life that puts all co-parents to the test.

Here are 5 important ways to ease the transitioning between homes process for everyone involved, children and parents alike.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-home transitions will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Listen to them; respect their right to voice their feelings. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.” Remember, your ex is adjusting to these changes just as you are. Be tolerant of one another. You’re all in the same boat so to speak.
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details or parenting issues in front of your children. Have a calendar app or use one of the convenient online scheduling programs available so you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Establish a system for creating and confirming schedule data — and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be as consistent as you can be. Consistency helps your children adjust more easily. Maintaining the same rules about bedtime, chores, homework and discipline makes life simpler for your children. When that’s an issue you can’t agree upon, keep in mind the more you change living habits from home to home the more confusing, frustrating and difficult it can be for your children. Don’t be resistant just to annoy your child’s other parent. It hurts the kids far more than your ex and the negative consequences can be long lasting. Make agreements whenever you can and agree to disagree fairly so both parents feel they’re in the game.
4. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on Mom or Dad on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
5. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent — and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

Remember, your children are watching you and learning from you. If you keep these 5 points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and successful experience. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning.

Have doubts, problems, questions and fears? Reach out to a divorce coach, therapist, or support group for the answers you need. Don’t sit in silence and stew. You’re not alone. There’s lots of help available locally and online. So why not start today?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, her Coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

I received the following question which poses many challenges related to divorce and parenting. While there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to relationship questions, I’m sharing my response with you as a perspective worth considering. This may be useful to initiate conversations with your former spouse and children or for discussion with a therapist or divorce coach if you are seeing one.

I am divorced for a short while, after being separated for several years. My 16-year-old daughter is awful to me and she yells “I hate you” and even curses at me even in public. I am sure she blames me for leaving her mom, but my other two children (boys, one older and one younger) seem to be dealing with the divorce fine. My problem is that I have no control over discipline. I would never speak to anyone the way she speaks to me, let alone a parent. But since she doesn’t live with me, her mother is the disciplinarian and always with my daughter. And I don’t believe that my daughter speaks to her mother or anyone else the way she talks to me. I love my daughter, but I can’t let anyone, especially not my own child, speak to me in such a terrible way. When I can pick the kids up, she never wants to come, but the boys and I have a good time together. I don’t know what to do.

Rosalind’s Answer:

There’s no simple answer to your question. Naturally, it is complex and multi-dimensional, as are most family issues. Let me share some thoughts with you to give you one perspective:

Teens Overdramatize

* Unfortunately it is not uncommon for 16-year old daughters, for a variety of reason, to yell “I hate you!” at their parents. While it is hurtful to hear this, keep in mind that this level of over-dramatizing life is part of the teenage experience. Following a recent divorce, I wouldn’t suggest focusing on the discipline aspect of the comment at this point. Let go of your self-righteousness and put your attention instead on trying to see the world from your daughter’s viewpoint.

Winning Over A Child

* Sadly there is a good chance your daughter is being influenced by her mother to not respect, trust or love you. This can be a result of your ex trying to win her over to Mom’s side, using your daughter as a confidant and trying to develop more of a friend rather than a parenting relationship with your daughter.

Parental Alienation A Real Challenge

*All of these behaviors create distance and distrust for you which is far more serious than your daughter’s comments. This is a form of parental alienation which is hard to counter. However, that is the reality of the challenge you are facing.

Being a Compassionate Role Model

* The more you understand what your daughter is experiencing, the more compassion you will have for her and the easier it will be for you to step up to being the father she needs — even if she doesn’t realize it right now. You are still a role model to her and she needs to feel your unconditional love. She is testing you and may genuinely feel you have hurt her mother. She may also be torn with guilt regarding supporting her mother since she is living with her.

Building a Long-Term Relationship

*How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion and the ability to turn the other cheek. That’s the Dad she needs to see — and the one she will gravitate towards over time if you are sincere and can be patient.

Taking the High Road

*It would be helpful for you to seek out a support system — a therapist, divorce coach or group — because what I am suggesting to you is not easy. It will require your stepping up and taking the “high road” on an issue that is not fair to you. But it is your reality and the choices you make today will affect your relationship with your daughter for decades to come.

Be the Mature Adult

*So think before you act. Stay connected to your deep love for your daughter. And remember, she didn’t create this tremendous life-altering experience. You and your former spouse did. The kids are always innocent. A 16-year old is not emotionally prepared for handling this so give her some flack and be the mature adult.

Be Patient and Loving

*It would also be wise to talk to your ex on the side and discuss your feelings as well as the consequences for your daughter to be alienated from you. You can suggest that Mom can also take the high road and do what’s best for her daughter. But you can’t count on it! Don’t wait for her to do the right thing. Your future relationship with your daughter is up to you. Don’t create further alienation. Be there for her, be patient and loving. Hopefully she will come to thank you down the line!

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids  about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, her blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

For years I’ve been pointing out to parents one clear message. Fighting around the children does more damage to them than their parents’ divorce. Serious emotional harm to the kids is avoided when parents handle divorce amicably. And when they put their children’s psychological needs top of mind when making all decisions.

Many studies over several decades confirm this perspective. They show how and why children exposed to constant parental bickering are more likely to be depressed. They are also more prone to expressing other “problem behaviors,” including substance abuse, aggression and poor school grades.

Not surprisingly these studies have revealed significant challenges for parents who are dealing with “money-related chronic stress.” For those parents, relationships with their children were highly tense and lacking in intimacy. Add the stress related to divorce and the outcome for children exposed to this tension increases exponentially.

When interviewed about this topic California divorce attorney Joann Babiak had the following suggestions. You’ll notice they are totally aligned with the advice we consistently offer to parents in the Child-Centered Divorce community. The psychological harm from parental battles is damaging long-term!

Never battle where kids can see or hear you.

Little ears can pick up phone conversations as well as conflict behind closed bedroom doors. “People don’t think about the impact of their words on the little ones who are hearing it,” Babiak said. “I saw one child who just kept eating and internalizing his parents’ conflict. The physician eventually told the mother that this was negligence and she was creating additional levels of stress inside her child.” 

Never play one parent off the other to win your child’s favors.

“I’ve seen a lot of instances where the child asked for something. One parent would say, No, you can’t have that because your mother’s not paying child support. Does that impact the relationship between both parents regardless of who’s paying? You’d better believe it does,” said Babiak. Bashing or demeaning your child’s other parent hurts and angers children in serious ways. Keep personal grievances personal and don’t use your kids as sounding boards. They’ll resent you for it and pay the price in stress, anxiety, depression and/or aggression.  

Never let your children feel unimportant to you.

Too often professionals see co-parents ignoring their children during custodial visits or handing them off to other caregivers so they can work. That child isn’t sharing time with the parent. They’re just sitting around the house. If a child’s consistently not seeing their  parent and enjoying time together because the parent is out in the workforce, that will only increase mistrust and conflict. 

Married or divorced, the results of parental conflict or inattention are the same. Children are wounded on a deep emotional level that can scar them for life. Stress is ever-prevalent in our culture, especially during tough economic times. But our children only get one childhood. Don’t they deserve the very best you can provide for them – your love, attention and the security of your presence?

We don’t need any further studies to acknowledge what we all know. Parents are the most powerful role models for our children. Be the person you want them to see and model themselves after. You’ll never regret it – nor will they!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The post Talk “To” – Not “At” – Your Child … Through Divorce and Beyond appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

parenting after divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Accepting the reality and finality of divorce can be a tough challenge. We need to be able to let go of the life we knew and prepare to face an unknown future. That can be intimidating. Here are 5 key steps to accepting your new reality with grace, peace and positive expectations for a happier life ahead. Especially if you’re also a parent!

1) Focus on yourself — not on your former spouse

We can’t ever undo the past. But the past can undo us — if we’re not careful about our thoughts, beliefs and actions. The only one we can ever change is ourselves. Don’t waste valuable time pining about the past, blaming your ex or wishing you had done something differently. Focus instead on how you can transform yourself today into the person you most want to be. When you shift from within, things on the outside will shift as well. Only then can you choose to make healthier decisions about your life. And about your future new life partner.

2) Seek out the support you need

Tough times demand support systems if we want to progress into the next stage in our lives. Recovering from the wounds of divorce is not something to tackle alone. Reach out for a coach, therapist, support group or member of the clergy experienced in this work. It will accelerate your progress. It will also boost your self-esteem at the same time. There is no shame in needing support. The world’s top athletes, entrepreneurs, actors and others all depend on coaches to achieve greater success!

3) Accept that this is a process

Feeling angry, depressed, embarrassed, hurt or other negative emotions is a natural part of grieving. It’s also pivotal to the moving on process after divorce. Accept your feelings and look for the lessons you’ve learned through your marriage and divorce. These can be gifts you can use when you’re ready to move ahead. And and aid to stepping out into your new reality. If you’re feeling stuck in any emotion and can’t let go, reach out for the help you need from an experienced professional. Remember, you’re not alone, so don’t isolate yourself or stay immersed in your pain. 

4) Take responsibility for the part you played

It’s easy to feel like a victim in your divorce and put all the blame on your former spouse. But that keeps you stuck in a place without growth. Before you can move beyond your divorce you have to “own” the role you played in the marriage. Focus on the insights you can take away to use in the months ahead. When we take responsibility for experiences in our lives we have the power to make positive changes. And that’s essential for creating the brighter future we all desire and deserve.

5) Remember you are a role model for your children 

Regardless of whether they acknowledge it or not, your children are watching and learning from you. Through lessons both good and bad. What are you teaching them about how to recover from a challenge in life? What are they learning about how to deal with conflict? Or with difficult people around you? What lessons are they getting about taking responsibility for your life and your actions? What are you modeling about being a victim versus becoming victorious, despite tough times? Your children will thank you for being a mature, responsible parent. And for showing them how to overcome challenging situations. Step up and BE the parent they need now and in the future!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! Her Coaching services, free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles,  and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues are all available at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

When faced with divorce, at some point you need to have the dreaded “tell the kids” talk with your children. To prepare and support them in the best possible way, it’s best for both parents to have the conversation together with the children. Take your time, be empathic, and be sure to include these 6 crucial break-the-divorce news messages:

OUR DIVORCE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Parents need to understand that most children, regardless of their age, will feel guilty and believe they hold some blame for their parents’ divorce. Parents need to remind kids often, in different ways, that they are not responsible, even when the parents have been fighting about the children. Your kids are always innocent and need to believe this. Don’t let them try to “fix” your parental problems, as we all know they are powerless to do so. And it’s not their responsibility.

YOUR PARENTS WILL STILL BE YOUR PARENTS. Most children will fear losing one or both parents through the divorce. Both parents must firmly tell the kids that, despite the divorce, we are and always will be your parents. Remind your children, despite changes in home environments, we are still your family. This message is vital to convey, even if one or both parents have new partners entering the family dynamic. Reach out to a divorce coach or therapist to help you clarify this important reminder. 

BOTH PARENTS WILL LOVE YOU ALWAYS. It’s crucial to tell your children often that both of their parents still love them and will always love them, during and long after the divorce. Many children are riddled with fears about losing one or both parents — or that either parent can divorce them if they misbehave or get bad grades. This is a time to be especially compassionate and reassuring about your parenting love and support being certain and unconditional. 

REFRAIN FROM BLAME. Post-divorce parenting is about adapting to change without judgment and finger-pointing at one another. The more united parents can be for the kids, the easier they will adapt. So, don’t blame their other parent for the breakup. Talk about change being a natural part of life. Despite the changes in the form of our family, we can remain be a family still. This will be especially evident when parents are working together for mutual goals on behalf of the children they love!

YOU’LL BE SAFE AND PROTECTED. Divorce takes an enormous emotional toll on children. It sabotages their sense of safety and security in the world. Consequently, all children must be reassured that their parents are keeping them safe. Kids needs to know life will go on and they can still depend on their parents for physical, mental and emotional support. Be there when they need you to answer questions and provide suggestions for coping with anxiety and changes ahead.

YOU’RE GOING TO BE FINE. Tell your kids they will be okay, despite the divorce. Affirm that both parents are busy making plans for the entire family in weeks and months ahead. It’s up to you to make decisions that are responsible as well as compassionate, especially for the kids. Remember you’re a role model for your kids. They are watching and learning from you. Be the parent they deserve and recognize your children’s emotional and psychological needs.

While things will never be the same again, it’s vitally important to stress what will be the same: their home, friends, school, neighborhood, activities, etc. when that’s the case.

For changes that will never be the same, address them one by one, with reassurance that you are there for them every step of the way. Children thrive on security and structure. Focus on the structure and routine that is still part of their life. Then explore together what to expect ahead, what choices they have, and some of the positive aspects of what will change.

Allow your children to vent and express anger or fear. Don’t judge them or make them wrong. Listen without lecturing and acknowledge their right to their feelings. Then talk about ways to address some of their needs while accepting that other things will be different, like the seasons ahead.

This is a process that demands empathy and sincerity. When children know you are there with them, they are more able to adapt to change. Need support? Find an experienced divorce coach or therapist who understands the challenges you will be facing in your personal family dynamics.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. Her ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? is an internationally acclaimed resource for parents. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

As a divorced parent, what lessons and behaviors are you modeling for your children?

The messages you convey will influence your children into adulthood. Here’s valuable advice on leaving a positive imprint on the children you love!

Bad things can happen to good people. Divorce is a prime example.  Good people get divorced. Responsible people who are loving parents get caught in the decision to end a loveless or deceitful marriage.

The consequences of that decision can either be life affirming or destroying, depending upon how each parent approaches this transition. Parents who are blinded by blame and anger are not likely to learn much through the experience. They see their former spouse as the total problem in their life and are convinced that getting rid of that problem through divorce will bring ultimate resolution. These parents are often self-righteous about the subject and give little thought to what part they may have played in the dissolution of the marriage.

Parents at this level of awareness are not looking to grow through the divorce process. They are more likely to ultimately find another partner with whom they have similar challenges or battles. Then, once again they find themselves caught in the pain of an unhappy relationship.

Stepping into new levels of awareness and self-reflection

There are others, however, for whom divorce can be a threshold into greater self-understanding and reflection. These parents don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. They  want to be fully aware of any part they played in the failure of the marriage. Self-reflective people ask themselves questions and search within – often with the assistance of a professional counselor or coach. It helps them understand what they did or did not do and how it affected the connection with their spouse.

These introspective parents consider how they might have behaved differently in certain circumstances. They are likely to …

• question their motives and actions to make sure they came from a place of clarity and good intentions.
• replay difficult periods within the marriage to see what they can learn, improve, let go of or accept.
• take responsibility for their behaviors and apologize for those that were counter-productive.
• forgive themselves for errors made in the past – and look toward being able to forgive their spouse in the same light.

These parents are also honest with their children when discussing the divorce. Of course, using age-appropriate language their children can understand. They remind their children that both parents still, and always will, love them. And they remember their former spouse will always be a parent to their children and therefore speak about them with respect around the kids.

A brighter future ahead starts with what you’re thinking and doing now!

Mature parents apply what they learned from the dissolved marriage to their future relationships. That gives them the momentum to recreate new lives in a better, more fulfilling way. From this perspective, they see their former marriage as not a mistake. Instead it becomes a stepping-stone to a brighter future – both for themselves and for their children.

When you choose to learn from your life lessons, they were never experienced in vain. Isn’t this a lesson you want to teach your children?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! and co-host of Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. Check out Rosalind’s ebooks, e-courses and programs at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

As The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, my mission is to support parents and collaborate with divorce professionals in making the best decisions regarding the emotional and psychological effects of divorce on children. 

I’m a divorced parent as well as a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. I’ve experienced all the insecurities, anger, fears and anxieties that come with divorce.  Like you, my primary concern was minimizing any negative effects on my child — not only in the months ahead, but in the decades to follow, too.

I learned a lot about mistakes to avoid, smart steps to take and skills to learn — which I want to share with you – all on behalf of the children you love!

So you can make the best decisions every step of the way. 

Parents: Divorce Doesn’t Have To Emotionally Scar Your Children

I believe that it is not divorce itself that negatively affects our children. It is the parent’s approach to divorce that determines whether their children will be angry, insecure, frightened or in other ways emotionally scarred from the divorce experience.

I encourage all divorcing parents to remember their roles and responsibilities towards their children. In that way we can prevent unnecessary pain, suffering, confusion, guilt or shame for them at this difficult time in their lives.

I am passionate about enlisting the legal, therapeutic and educational communities around the world to bring a heightened awareness about ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce. My goal is to spread the word that when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever.

Avoid Damaging Mistakes That Hinder Cooperative Co-Parenting

I want to help you avoid the mistakes that create emotional pain for your children. I’m here to help you stay out of the courts whenever possible. I encourage you to be a compassionate, loving parent who understands your children’s need to have both their parents in their lives. Every decision you make has consequences. Creating a cooperative co-parenting experience is a gift to your children that they certainly deserve!

Contact me to discuss your needs and how I can serve them. I provide one to one coaching via phone or video. I also have created numerous ebooks, e-courses and programs — at very low prices — to support you before, during and long after divorce. This includes my signature ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? as well as my 8-hr Anger Management For Co-Parents and Dating After Divorce programs for women and men. 

Learn more about all my services and resources at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com. You can also reach out to me at rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or schedule a complimentary session with me at www.childcentereddivorce.com/letstalk

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know that one of the biggest divorced parent “don’ts” is putting down or disrespecting your children’s other parent to them. Clearly, while it’s tempting to badmouth your co-parcoment for the way they’ve hurt you in the marriage, venting to the kids puts them in a very uncomfortable position. They love both of their parents and don’t want to hear from you about the ways your ex misbehaved or initiated your divorce.

There’s another element in this conversation that doesn’t get as much attention – but certainly needs to be addressed. And that’s the “guilt factor.” It’s based on your forbidding or discouraging your children from expressing love or talking about their other parent around you. Kids naturally want to talk about their lives. They like to share things they might have done with their other parent, especially the fun times.

Very often our expressions, tone of voice, comments or lack of response makes our children feel guilty. This is especially so when bringing up an adventure with Dad, a shopping spree with Mom, new place they visited or a fun movie they’ve watched together with their other parent. Your child may feel repressed,  shamed, confused or uncomfortable in some way they may not be able to explain.

Consequently they stop sharing, don’t open up about their feelings as readily, and close up around you. That’s not the path to healthy parent-child communication. Once that door is closed, it can take years of therapy to pry it open again, if ever.

Here’s the key point: as a parent you need to understand that when a child  expresses love, admiration or respect for their other parent, it doesn’t diminish their love for you.

Healthy Parenting is not a Competition

Competition for affection between parents — divorced or otherwise — is a no-win road to alienating your children. Co-parents who are supportive of their children’s relationship with their other parent encourage their children to express themselves freely. Even when that parent forms a new romantic relationship with another partner.

When children don’t have to guard themselves from “saying the wrong thing” in front of Mom or Dad, their relationship with you is more flowing, natural and trusting. And they’ll come to respect and acknowledge you more for your maturity as they themselves age.

Avoid parent bashing sessions with your child 

This is also important for you to keep in mind. Should your children express disapproval of their other parent, don’t chime in with your own negative agenda. They may want to vent, but they’re not looking to handle your emotional baggage. Nor do they want to join you for a bad Mom or Dad bashing session. Judgments creating guilt, shame or blame can backfire on you and close the door to trusting communication.

Remember, you’re a role model for your children. So be a caring listener, supportive in helping them find solutions for their challenges. Listen without adding to the drama about their other parent. Listen too, with happiness and support regarding that parent’s positive interaction with them. Share their good moments without jealousy. Be happy for their happiness.

Divorced or not, isn’t that what parents are for?

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To learn more about Rosalnd’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and co=parenting issues, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Over the past few years there has been a strong movement towards 50/50 post-divorce parenting arrangements. It’s often referred to as shared parenting. In many regards this approach to co-parenting may be the best custodial situation for most children of divorcing parents.

I am a strong advocate of shared parenting. It worked very successfully in my own divorce. However, I do not believe it’s the right or only answer for everyone. That’s because every situation is different when it comes to divorce. I don’t believe legislation should be determining uniform custody outcomes for every family. These are issues that caring, conscious parents should be deciding together with only one goal in mind – the very best interest of their children.

Unfortunately, too many parents approach this issue as adversaries. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price.

When custodial decisions move into contention, the children don’t win. By creating a scenario where lawyers, legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you lose power in your life. You also may lose harmony within your already fragile family structure. And your children get caught in the confusion.

Honest Answers, Not Automatic Legislated Solutions

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win – on every level. Parents are encouraged to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together. The process keeps their perspective where it really belongs – on the children.

To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

1. What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
2. How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
3. How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
4. How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
5. What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
6. Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
7. How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the family structure?
8. How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
9. How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details.

That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals — mediators, therapists, coaches, parenting coordinators and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-centered perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach mindful agreements on important issues. To help you make decisions that will affect the wellbeing of your children in the least-divisive manner.

Don’t let the court make decisions about your children for you!

As tough as this process may appear, wouldn’t you prefer to make these decisions together? To discuss as parents who know and love your children? And to do it before you approach the court – and lawyers – rather than having decisions made for you?

However, you can’t let the negative emotions you may be feeling toward your spouse influence parental decisions. When hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration and mistrust impacts your child-custody issues, you end up sabotaging your children.

It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent. You are allowing personal satisfaction to get in the way of your parental responsibilities toward your kids. And the cost – to them as well as to you – will be high. (Many children, as they grow, come to resent a parent who keeps them from having a positive relationship with their other parent, leading to alienation and other negative outcomes.)

If you’ve been touched by separation or divorce, I value your comments and suggestions on this highly volatile topic.

***     ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting plans and contact schedules are an important part of divorce proceedings. They help create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life for divorcing parents. And for the children  you love.

I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But not all couples can work together with civility and harmony. So sometimes parallel parenting becomes the plan. That usually translates into you both parent the children but with minimum communication between one another.

Keep in mind that your kids pick up on the emotional energy around their parents. It’s no surprise that life after divorce is smoother and easier when both parents behave maturely and responsibly.  

However you work out your shared parenting plan, it’s the day-to-day challenges of post-divorce life that puts all co-parents to the test.

Here are 5 important ways to ease the process for everyone involved, children and parents alike.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-home transitions will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Listen to them; respect their right to voice their feelings. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.” Remember, your ex is adjusting to these changes just as you are. Be tolerant of one another. You’re all in the same boat so to speak.

2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue in front of your children. Avoid disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details. About  parenting issues too. Use a calendar app or one of the convenient online scheduling programs available. That way you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Establish a system for creating and confirming schedule data — and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.

3. Be as consistent as you can be. Consistency helps your children adjust more easily. Maintaining the same rules about bedtime, chores, homework and discipline makes life simpler for your children. When that’s an issue you can’t agree upon, keep this in mind. The more you change living habits from home to home the more confusing, frustrating and difficult it can be for your children. Don’t be resistant just to trigger your child’s other parent. It hurts the kids far more than your ex and the negative consequences can be long lasting. Make agreements whenever you can and agree to disagree fairly so both parents feel they’re in the game.

4. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves during their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have. Remind them how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both parents love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit. Don’t ask your kids to spy on Mom or Dad on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!

5. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent. And let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t intrude on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex. They will be nd more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

Remember, your children are watching you and learning from you. If you keep these 5 points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and successful experience. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning.

Have doubts, problems, questions and fears? Reach out to a divorce coach, therapist, or support group for the answers you need. Don’t sit in silence and stew. You’re not alone. There’s lots of help available locally and online. So why not start today?

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, her Coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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ARE PROVIDING FREE GIFTS DURING INTERNATIONAL CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH IN JANUARY

January is International Child-Centered Divorce Month – a time when Divorce filings are highest: after the holidays at the start of the New Year.

In recognition of ICCD Month, Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, author and podcast host, Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, has gathered family-focused divorce professionals throughout world. They are all giving away free ebooks, courses, videos, coaching services and other valuable tools to help parents:

• Make the best decisions regarding their children before, during and long after divorce.
• Avoid serious mistakes that negatively impact their children.
• Learn how divorce affects children at different ages and stages.
• Understand divorce options to choose the best course of action for both parents and children.
• Transition after divorce in a healthy, fulfilling way.
• Attract a rewarding and lasting love relationship in the years ahead.

With more than one million children impacted by divorce each year,

why address Child-Centered Divorce in January?

To protect our innocent children so we don’t rob them of their childhood!

5 Things You Don’t Know About Divorcing As a Parent

That Could Hurt Your Kids! 

1. Divorce itself doesn’t hurt children – it’s how parents handle the divorce! Learning mistakes to avoid scarring our children along with effective co-parenting skills makes all the difference.

2. Confiding in your kids about your divorce drama destroys their childhood! Children are not prepared to handle adult information. Nor should they be parenting their parents. Confide in your coach, therapist, family or friends, instead.

3. Choosing litigation over mediation can lead you on the wrong path! Litigation is about win/lose – the opposite of how we should address divorce when kids are involved. Work towards a win/win outcome whenever possible. You’ll save money and reduce stress long-term.

4. Divorced parents are role models for their kids! What are you teaching yours? Are you handling life challenges with maturity and responsibility? Or modeling behavior for your children to see? They look to you for answers.

5. Your children will hold you accountable! Aggression, conflict, selfish decisions, and alienating decisions lead to angry children of divorce when they’re grown. What will your kids say about how you handled the divorce?

About Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce.  She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides advice, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of several books, courses and programs on effective co-parenting after divorce. She is also the host of the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living radio show and podcast.

Thanks to our caring and supportive sponsors …

Meet Jaci Finneman. Experiencing resistance in your home? Feeling like your children never listen to you? Maybe you are exhausted from handing out consequences that never work. Or embarrassed that you can’t fix the problems yourself. Are you scared because the challenges feel overwhelming and out of control? Jaci can help. As your Parent Strategist, she helps you learn new effective ways to deal with and overcome your child’s behavior challenges. Her No-Problem Parenting solution will transform your parenting style so that you can become the confident leader your kids crave you to be! Learn more about Jaci at www.noproblemparents.com

Meet Janet Price, founder of JP Coaching & Consulting. Janet’s mission is to support parents and children in divorce and beyond by providing innovative tools, strategies, and solutions that minimize the impact of divorce trauma. She is a divorce coach, co-parenting guide and partner who helps you shift your mindset and begin walking consciously in your authentic life, better communicate with your co-parent (despite what they say or do), and support you to support your children as they grow into healthy and happy adults. Learn more about Janet at www.jpcoachingandconsulting.com

A message from Rosalind …

I launched International Child-Centered Divorce Month in 2007 because I, too, initiated my divorce many years ago in January. I was riddled with anxiety, guilt, shame and fear about the consequences for my 11-year old son.

So I researched, developed and shared success strategies, serious mistakes to avoid and effective co-parenting skills that put children’s emotional and psychological needs first when faced with divorce.

Since then, I founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network, became a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, and wrote several e-courses, programs and books, including Anger Management For Co-Parents. I also wrote my signature ebook: How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? My now grown up son wrote the foreword to the book.

I have much to share about doing divorce right as a parent: understanding divorce from your child’s perspective, how to deal with difficult co-parenting challenges, breaking the divorce news to children, questions to ask yourself before making divorce decisions, crucial divorce dos and don’ts – and much more!

Grab your gifts during International Child-Centered Divorce Month at:

https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

Discover resources from the Child-Centered Divorce Network at:

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com/helpful-tools.

Get your free ebook on Co-Parenting Success Strategies at:

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com

The post FREE GIFTS FOR PARENTS DURING INTERNATIONAL CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE MONTH appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

 — from divorce and parenting experts around the world

commemorating the 16^th Annual

International Child-Centered Divorce Month

In the U.S. today nearly 4 out of 10 first marriages end in divorce. Even more significant, 60% of divorcing couples have children, resulting in more than one million kids each year experiencing the divorce of their parents.

The consequence of parental divorce takes its toll on everyone in the family. An estimated 25 million children (36%) live apart from their biological father with about 26% of absentee fathers living in a different state than their kids. Close to 17 million children (25%) are living with their single mothers.

It may come as no surprise that more divorces are initiated in January than in any other month. A large majority of parents wait until after the holiday season before breaking the divorce news to their children.

For this reason, Rosalind Sedacca, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, chose January to commemorate the annual recognition of International Child-Centered Divorce Month. The purpose of ICCD Month is to educate parents and the media about how to identify, prevent and address painful consequences for children during and after separation or divorce.

To help parents minimize the negative effects of divorce on children we provide useful advice, tools and resources they can use to protect and support their kids through successful co-parenting following divorce.

We do this by enlisting family-focused divorce experts – legal professionals,   coaches, parenting experts, therapists, financial planners and others around the world. Each one provides complimentary support to help parents best cope with divorce and parenting issues. This takes the form of free ebooks, coaching sessions, videos, audio programs, special reports and other useful, downloadable, content-rich material of value to families facing challenges related to divorce and its aftermath.

These free gifts are available throughout the month of January

 at a special website:

 www.divorcedparentsupport.com

Once you visit the website and enter your email address, you can choose among free gifts from participating divorce experts in North America, Europe, Australia, and beyond.

Rosalind is proud to introduce you to the special sponsors

who made International Child-Centered Divorce Month

 a reality in January 2023.

Meet Jaci Finneman. Experiencing resistance in your home? Feeling like your children never listen to you? Maybe you are exhausted from handing out consequences that never work. Or embarrassed that you can’t fix the problems yourself. Are you scared because the challenges feel overwhelming and out of control? Jaci can help. As your Parent Strategist, she helps you learn new effective ways to deal with and overcome your child’s behavior challenges. Her No-Problem Parenting solution will transform your parenting style so that you can become the confident leader your kids crave you to be! Learn more about Jaci at www.noproblemparents.com

Meet Janet Price, founder of JP Coaching & Consulting. Janet’s mission is to support parents and children in divorce and beyond by providing innovative tools, strategies, and solutions that minimize the impact of divorce trauma. She is a divorce coach, co-parenting guide and partner who helps you shift your mindset and begin walking consciously in your authentic life, better communicate with your co-parent (despite what they say or do), and support you to support your children as they grow into healthy and happy adults. Learn more about Janet at www.jpcoachingandconsulting.com

Meet Lisa Decker of Divorce Money Matters who says, Divorce Your Spouse, Not Your Money®. Contemplating Divorce? Stuck in the middle of one going nowhere, or worse, one that’s spiraling out of control? Searching for answers, but not sure where to start? Browse Lisa’s comprehensive Blog for compelling information and expert articles on topics applicable to all matters and stages of divorce. Avoid common, costly and permanent mistakes. Your Divorce Help and Hope Begins with Lisa at Divorce Money Matters. Learn more about Divorce Money Matters at www.divorcemoneymatters.com

According to Rosalind Sedacca, who is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach: “In the heat of the emotional drama, confusion and upheaval that often comes with divorce, we can forget the impact it has on our children. But it’s essential to understand that regardless of your own emotional state, you must put your children’s needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation. That’s not always easy, especially if your partner doesn’t agree with you on parenting parameters. That’s why we’ve assembled such an outstanding selection of support materials and services from experts who are committed to the child-centered approach to divorce.”

Rosalind’s Child-Centered Divorce Network embraces both mothers and fathers without gender bias. She provides helpful coaching services, articles, e-courses and other resources for parents and co-parents year-round at www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com.

For more information about International Child-Centered Divorce Month plus access to all the free gifts and special events taking place in January visit:

www.divorcedparentsupport.com

The post Divorcing or Divorced Parents: Why January is such an important month for you! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on. They will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.

LET GO OF THE NEGATIVE

If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.

Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?

WINNING YOUR FREEDOM THROUGH FORGIVENESS

The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.

Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.

You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!

CREATING QUALITY TIME FOR YOU

One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.

When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.

Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!

HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS SKILLFULLY

Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.

When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.

It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.

Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on. 

Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AS A ROLE MODEL

Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.

That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.

If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.

It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity, you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She’s a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right!, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post 5 Steps To Moving On After Divorce Based On Parental Awareness & Acceptance appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Family-focused divorce attorneys are passionate about keeping parents out of court when handling disputes over child custody. These lawyers know that long-term outcomes are better when the decisions are made by the parents themselves rather than left to the legal system.

Most parents continue to co-parent their children after divorce. Except for circumstances where children are at risk, parents have the responsibility to put the their children first by working out a parenting plan that is in the children’s best interests.

Here’s the key point to keep in mind. If you are unable to resolve your children’s issues with your co-parent, a judge will!

There are some very good reasons to avoid that:

1. The custody evaluation process can humiliate, frighten and compromise your children, and cause them enduring emotional harm. 

2. Custody cases are tremendously expensive. Parents must not only pay their own lawyers, but they may also have to pay attorneys to represent their children and/or guardians ad litem who are appointed in custody cases for children who are too young to express their feelings and preferences. 

3. Trial outcomes are difficult to predict. 

4. A judge’s orders after trial rarely contain the crucial details that parents need in their agreements. 

5. Your inability to make decisions regarding your children leaves them with a poor parenting model. 

Smarter Solutions for Better Results

A high conflict divorce all but destroys the chances for a constructive co-parenting relationship after the divorce. Spare your children the ordeal of the court custody evaluation process and a prolonged divorce case that mires them in anxiety and uncertainty. You can accomplish that by dealing with child-related issues in a mindful, productive way.

Here are some constructive suggestions:

1. Agree with your spouse on a Parenting Goal Statement that memorializes your common beliefs and goals regarding dealing with the children during the divorce.

2. Communicate clearly with your spouse about the kids, confirming important communications in writing.

3. Seek advice from a child therapist or divorce coach regarding child-related issues.

4. Use a mediator, including those available through court systems at little or no cost, to help you resolve child-related matters as soon as possible.

5. Maintain as much of the children’s routine as possible.

6. Tell your lawyer that you want to resolve any outstanding child-related issues at the very first opportunity.

Divorce challenges parents to overcome obstacles and make sound decisions regarding their children. Parents able to do that offer their children a healthy and supportive parenting model. Parents who can’t, allow life-altering decisions regarding their children to be made by a stranger. 

 The Child-Centered Divorce Network strongly endorses attorney Larry Sarezky’s message presented in his Telly Award-winning film, Talk To Strangers. The film dramatically makes the point that children pay a high price when parents choose the courts to make custody decisions. Visit www.ChildCustodyFilm.com to learn more about protecting children during divorce, and to preview the film. Larry has also written an excellent book about divorce, to help both women and men navigate divorce in the best possible way: Divorce Simply Stated. http://divorcesimplystated.com.

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Rosalind Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce.  She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides advice, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! It’s an internationally acclaimed ebook designed to help parents create the best possible outcome for themselves and their children. To get Rosalind’s free ebook on Post Divorce Parenting as well as her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post Why YOU Should Resolve Your Parenting Divorce Disputes – Not a Judge! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce can be devastating when you’re a parent. You can’t just crawl into a hole and grieve, rant or rage. You must still care for the well-being of your children. And sometimes this is a challenge that overwhelms, resulting in parents who can’t cope with the responsibilities of parenting. When this happens, your children pay a high price. And too often, the parents aren’t totally aware of how their kids are affected.

It’s not always easy to remember that your children may be grieving as deeply as you are during and after divorce. It’s even more frightening for them because they were not responsible for the divorce. Nor are they responsible for the complex dynamics that led up to the split.

Their fears are also compounded by apprehension about whether either parent will ever divorce them? And then, what will happen to them and their family in the future? As dramatically as your life has been altered, remember, so too has theirs!

Confusing grief with rejection

In their innocence children often mistake their parent’s grief as rejection. They are aware of changes in your parental behavior, attention and state of mind. But they don’t always understand the depth of pain their parents are experiencing and how it can affect your day-to-day parenting. While kids can see when you are sad, they may not always comprehend other factors. They may not understand that your emotional pain is keeping you from being with them in ways you were in the past. They may be confused when  you’re not in the mood to play with them. Or to prepare dinner. Or help with homework. They may simply feel rejected – or believe you don’t love them anymore.

Due to their lack of sophistication, children often fail to understand a key point. Being upset about the divorce is affecting your parenting behavior. They may question why you’re not as attentive. Whether your sadness is their fault. Or whether you’re angry with them for loving their other parent. This can create emotional instability and deep anxiety for some children who don’t have words to express their feelings!

Tips for helping your children cope …

Here are some suggestions for helping children adjust to the complex emotional changes in family life due to the divorce.

• Be generous with your affection: Even if you can’t be “yourself” regarding activities you used to do with the kids, you can try this. Offer a hug, a few minutes of cuddle time or kind words of affection to remind them that they’re still loved and important to you.
• Be discreet when you need to emote: There’ a time for raging, hitting pillows and venting to your friends. But it’s not when the kids are within earshot. When you need to express your grief, find a place away from the children. Remember, you don’t want to deprive them of their childhood. Nor should you make them your confidant or therapist!
• Be sincere about your feelings: When you’re overwhelmed with sadness around the kids, you can acknowledge that. Be honest but also clear that it’s not their fault. Say something like “I’m feeling sad and don’t feel like playing right now. It’s nothing you’ve done. I hope to be feeling better a little later, okay?”
• Be receptive to professional help: Having a trusted support system can make all the difference in helping you cope with your divorce. Find a therapist, divorce coach or support group specializing in coping skills for parents. Feeling supported will help you move through the transitions ahead while being there for your children. Also consider professional resources for your kids. Ask at their schools about programs and professionals who specialize in divorce recovery.

Monitoring your emotions can be an important step in healing during and after divorce. Just be mindful of your children’s emotions as well. They need your parenting skills more than ever at this time. Show them how much they matter to you. And remind them, and yourself, that all life transitions are a step-by-step process. Together you can create a brighter and happier future ahead

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, She’s the author of ebooks and courses, including How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, explore her coaching services, and other valuable resources for parents, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© All rights reserved. Rosalind Sedacca

The post Your Children Are Deeply Affected By Your Emotions After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The holiday season can be especially difficult for children of divorce – especially during the first few years. Parents need to be diligent in creating new family traditions and activities designed to replace the memories of holidays past. These tips will help you give your kids a wonderful holiday season this year, despite changes to the family structure.

• Show Empathy and Compassion

When talking to your children about the holidays, listen, and don’t lecture. Let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.  Acknowledge what they are expressing to you. Don’t refute or deny what they are saying. Instead, show compassionate understanding. Some kids will hold their feelings in  to protect you. Reassure them it’s okay to talk about their sadness or anxiety about what the holidays will be like this year.

Remind your children that what they are feeling is okay and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Let them know some activities will remain the same. Others will change. Help them understand that much of life will go on in the same way, despite divorce.  Stress that change is a natural part of everyone’s life and it’s easier for everyone when we embrace it.

• Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex

Children whose divorced parents get along with one another have an easier time adapting to divorce.  So talk to your co-parent about how you can cooperate to give your kids a happy holiday season. Consider both parents spending some family time together with the children, without discord. They will appreciate your efforts.  If you can’t, at least make the drop-off transitions peaceful and harmonious.  Never bad-mouth your ex to the children. Don’t make the kids your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature behavior with your ex around your children. It helps them enjoy being a kid, especially during the holidays.

• Help Create Wonderful New Memories

This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions your kids have something   special to look forward to. It’s okay to replace old memories with new ones. That way the holidays become days to look forward to again. If that’s also the reality in their other parent’s home, they get an even fuller experience of holiday celebration!

So, acknowledge your kids’ feelings with compassion. Also give them new options for keeping the holiday spirit. Remember the most valuable gift you can give to your children. It’s the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of divorce during the holidays and every day!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right! https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media!

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post Post-Divorce Parenting Over The Holidays: Protecting Your Kids! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Rebuild your self-esteem after Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce can be devastating on many levels. In addition to the financial and stress toll on both partners, it can easily wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem. Even those who initiate the divorce process can experience tremendous emotional turmoil. This can show up as guilt, anxiety and insecurity. Those who were not expecting or in any way desiring the break-up can be devastated. They come away feeling psychologically battered, confused and questioning their own worth.

It’s hard to tackle these burdens alone. A support group, personal divorce coach, or therapist can be very helpful. They can remind you that you are not alone in your experiences or feelings. They can provide strategies for feeling more confident. And they can help you believe there is a brighter future ahead for you. Especially if you take proactive steps in that direction.

While family and friends are usually very well-intentioned, their support may not always be valuable for you. They have their own agendas, perspectives and values about marriage, family and divorce. What you most need at this difficult time is a support system that is dispassionate, compassionate and knowledgeable. That can opens doors to choices that will move you into a more positive chapter in your life.

Here are a few suggestions to guide you in boosting your self-esteem during the divorce and its aftermath.

1. Be committed to releasing the past

Moving on is all about mind-set. Don’t get stuck reliving and clinging to what no longer is your reality. It will hinder your ability to start the next chapter in your life. There will be better, brighter days ahead – if you allow that awareness into your experience. Make space in your life for new friends, relationships, career options and fulfilling activities. Look for and expect new opportunities in new places. See the future as a positive beginning for you and your children. You’ll be pleasantly surprised about what you can create when you anticipate good things ahead.

2. Let go and learn to forgive

By letting old wounds start to heal, you can tap into the incredible power of forgiveness. Start by forgiving yourself. Forgive the mistakes you’ve made, the actions you didn’t take, the wisdom you overlooked in some decisions. Then move on to forgiving your former spouse as well. Yes, that can be a tough request. But it’s also extremely liberating to wipe the slate clean. Try putting yourself in their shoes to understand the choices they made. The consequences they face. The challenges they’re living with. Keep in mind, forgiveness is not about forgetting the hurt and pain from the past. It’s about removing it’s hold on you so you’re not hurt you any longer. You forgive to free yourself, not to remove the blame from someone else. In that sense it’s a gift you give to yourself. 

3. Choose your company wisely

We can’t easily change other people, but we   can change the company we associate with. If your social group isn’t supportive of you, or tends to wallow in self-pity, let them go. You have a choice in your life about who you’re spending time with. Choose instead: aware, introspective people who accept responsibility for their own behavior. Find friends who don’t live in the past. People who are motivated to proactively move ahead in transforming their lives.

Get out of the blame game and put yourself in the company of positive people. Seek out friends with high self-esteem. They will appreciate you, with all your assets and baggage.  You may find these people where you least expect them. So step out of your comfort zone – and be receptive to new friends and new experiences. 

4. Be Flexible about Change

Life is always filled with changes, not just during divorce. Get comfortable with the unknowns ahead. Accept that change is inevitable. While dark periods are tough to handle, realize they too will fall away. And be replaced with better days. Followed by healthy new relationships. Listen to your self-talk. Let go of limiting beliefs about yourself.

When you catch yourself in doubt, fear or put-down language, become aware of that message and consciously refute it. I am a caring parent. I will attract a new loving partner. I deserve to be happy in my relationships. My children love me and know how much I love them. 

Determine what you want to change about yourself from within. Relax about controlling circumstances around you. When you come to accept that change can be a positive part of your life, you’ll feel more at peace with yourself. You’ll also be more comfortable with those around you.

Life is all about choices and decisions. Use your divorce as a catalyst for positive change. Choose to be the person and parent you most want to be. Then watch how circumstances around you settle into place more harmoniously than you ever expected.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook on Post Divorce Parenting, online coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post 4 Keys To Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Balancing Boundaries & Privacy Issues as Divorced Co-Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

After divorce most parents want to keep their private lives private. They don’t want the children sharing too many details about their visit time. This can create frustration for parents as they struggle to find balance in the privacy versus sharing equation. And there’s no simple solution.

Often your co-parent may ask the kids not to tell you about what they did, ate or talked about during their visits. Yet, as a parent, it’s only natural to ask questions. To want to know how your kids spent their time.

Handled compassionately, you can avoid needless conflict.

Asking your children to “spy” on their other parent puts them in an awkward situation. They feel guilty, pressured and confused, especially if either parent tells them not to share specific information.

This complex topic needs to be addressed between both parents. And should be agreed upon in advance. Discuss sensible boundaries, taking into account the age of your child. Children should be able to talk to both parents about activities, meals or other innocent details about their time with their other parent. That’s how kids relate. Asking a child not to say anything is unfair to them as they usually want to talk about things they did. 

However, it’s wise not to probe beyond the superficial with them. Want to know exactly what Dad bought them for dinner? Who the friend was that stopped by? Or what time they went to bed? Maybe you should have that conversation with Dad.

For those who can’t communicate easily via phone, try one of the online scheduling tools designed for just this purpose. Use it to avoid conflict related to overlooked messages, event details, school notes, etc. Create some agreements about information or conversation boundaries in advance. Perhaps both parents should share menus or venues they visited that week on the scheduling calendar. Or via email. Perhaps that information is not to be shared.

Get help from a divorce coach or therapist if you need an intermediary in making agreements. Just keep the kids out of the conflict!

When your co-parent doesn’t let the kids call you while at the other home!

Children suffer when one parent doesn’t allow the kids to communicate with their other parent. Whether it’s over night or for an extensive stay, divorce forces children to be separated from one parent most times. It was not their choice. Insisting they have no contact with the other parent punishes the children unnecessarily.

Connection with parents creates security and a sense of comfort. Talking for just a few minutes on the phone, via text or tablet provides that comfort. Denying your child time to maintain connection with either parent is hurtful and will be destructive long-term.

Be sure not to exploit that contact time and overstay your welcome. A 5 to 10 minute conversation should cover your bases without being too overindulgent. Remember to be gracious about those calls when the kids are at your home. 

If your co-parent doesn’t want to cooperate in this regard, reach out to a therapist, divorce coach or other expert to mediate a resolution. You’ll also find numerous articles on my www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com website. They encourage both parents to keep communication with the children as easy and stress-free as possible. Sometimes, simply sending an article or two to your co-parent can help. It may remind them about the importance of giving the children ongoing contact with their other parent. If that doesn’t work, taking legal action may be necessary, but only as a last resort. 

Always remind your children that you love and miss them when they are not with you. However, never “guilt” them into feeling emotional turmoil about leaving you to stay with their other parent. Encourage positive visits and remind them you look forward to seeing them again next time it’s your turn.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

Please share this article on social media!

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Many families experience separation or divorce as summer approaches, taking advantage of the school break to ease post-divorce transitions. There are many other families, however, that make the split during the school year.

There are several reasons why this sometimes becomes a necessity. Many couples considering a divorce decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses. This can provide additional funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses. Still others are faced with unexpected circumstances which accelerate the decision to divorce.

Regardless, it’s not the why that matters most at this time – it’s the how. How are these parents going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

Compassionate, mindful decisions make all the difference!

I, too, planned my separation mid-school year. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1^st.

Obviously, school-year separations can be especially difficult for school-age children. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life. That means keeping school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible. 

Choosing to co-parent, my former husband and I each maintained a residence, intentionally located just a couple of miles apart. Following our parenting plan, our son got off the school bus at one house or the other, as part of his normal routine. At the end of the school year one of his teachers mentioned she just learned my husband and I split up in February. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be founding the Child-Centered Divorce Network. Then become a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach. And soon after, write books and courses devoted to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

Regardless of when you split, my advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place. Feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame your child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on the child you both know and love. How is he or she going to look back and remember these next many years? And the decades ahead!

Questions to answer for a more positive family outcome! 

Here are some pertinent questions to ask yourself before making any co-parenting decisions:

• Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?

• Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents? That they are wounded when one parent is put down or disparaged by the other?

• Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?

• Did you ask your child to choose between loving either parent, or take sides in any way?

• Did you try to make your child your confidant, siding with you or helping you cope with your challenges?

• Did you keep their other parent from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your former spouse?

Destructive behaviors and decisions are often made without considering the effects on the children. When you’re a parent, divorce is not just about you. It’s about protecting your innocent children who can be scarred from the inside out.

The good news is, you have other choices. Your children need not be wounded by the breakup. Keep in mind, it’s not divorce itself that harms children. It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges? Are you reaching out for help if you need support?

Through the Child-Centered Divorce Network, website, blog, coaching, programs and other resources, my mission is clear. I encourage parents to consciously create a cooperative, amicable, harmonious separation or divorce. An outcome that will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. My own son, and the children of my many clients, is proof that it can work successfully.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post Divorce or Separation During School Year Especially Tough on Children appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce can be devastating when you’re a parent. You can’t just crawl into a hole and grieve, rant or rage. You must still care for the wellbeing of your children. And sometimes this challenge is so overwhelming parents fail to cope with the responsibilities of parenting. When that happens, your children pay a high price. And very often, you may not be fully aware of how your kids are affected.

It’s not always easy to remember that your children may be grieving as deeply as you are during and after divorce. It’s even more frightening for them because they were not responsible for the divorce. Nor are they aware of the complex dynamics that led up to the split. Their fears are compounded by apprehension about whether either parent may   ever divorce them. They fear what will happen to them and their family in the future.

As dramatically as your life has been altered, remember, so too has theirs. So put yourself in your child’s shoes to get deeper awareness of what they may be experiencing.

Keeping your kids from mistaking your grief as rejection!

In their innocence children often mistake their parent’s grief as rejection. They pick up on changes in Mom and/or Dad’s behavior, attention and state of mind. But they don’t always understand the depth of pain you are experiencing and how it can affect your day-to-day parenting. Of course, kids can see when you are sad. However, they may not always comprehend that your emotional pain is keeping you from being with them in ways you were in the past. Some days you may not be in the mood to play with them, prepare dinner or help with homework. A child can interpret this as rejection – or believe you don’t love them anymore.

Due to their lack of sophistication children often fail to understand that you’re feeling upset about the divorce. And that is affecting your parenting behavior. They may question why you’re not as attentive as in the past. Or whether your sadness is their fault. Or if you’re angry with them for loving their other parent. This can create emotional instability and deep anxiety, especially for children with limited abilities to express their feelings.

4 ways to support your children through the emotional turmoil of divorce!

Here are some proven ways to help your kids adjust to the complex emotional changes in family life during and after divorce.

1. Be generous with your affection: Be aware of when you can’t be “yourself” regarding activities you used to do with the kids. At those times, offer a hug, a few minutes of cuddle time or kind words of affection. Those gestures will remind them that they’re still loved and important to you. Telling them is also important!
2. Be discreet when you need to emote: There’s a time for raging, hitting pillows and venting to your friends. But it’s not when the kids are within earshot. When you need to express your grief, find a place away from the children. Remember, you don’t want to deprive them of their childhood. Even more damaging is making them your confidant or therapist!
3. Be sincere about your feelings: When you’re overwhelmed with sadness around the kids, be honest. But also be very clear that it’s not their fault. Say something like “I’m feeling sad and don’t feel like playing right now. It’s nothing you’ve done. I hope to be feeling better a little later, okay?”
4. Be receptive to professional help: Having a trusted support system can make all the difference in helping you cope with your divorce. Find a therapist, divorce coach or support group specializing in coping skills for parents. You’ll discover better ways to move through the transitions ahead while being there for your children. Also consider professional resources for your kids if they are struggling. Ask at their schools about programs and professionals who specialize in divorce recovery.

You are not alone. Don’t suffer in silence or pain when you can take advantage of proven strategies that work. Reach out for a support system for both you and the children you love!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, her coaching services and other valuable resources for divorcing and divorced parents, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© All rights reserved. Rosalind Sedacca

The post Protecting You & Your Children From the Emotional Toll of Divorce! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry provides this advice. Children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.

That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce. It’s a meaningful way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic commitments are made. Equally important, significant mistakes must be avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:

1. Don’t deny your child personal time with both of their parents.

To help your child defeat the challenges and disruptions that come with divorce, remember this. Give them as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, They’ll have fewer behavioral problems. They’ll grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.

2. Don’t badmouth your coparent or argue around your child.

Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. Never criticize or demean your child’s other parent to them or around them. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, stop! Plan a private time alone, far from your child’s eyes and ears, for those conversations. The negative consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.

3. Don’t make your child your confidant – or friend!

It’s hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them. This is especially challenging when you’re trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend – or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.

4. Don’t make your child the messenger.

When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Be mindful that the kids can mess up the messages. They can also intentionally change the messages. Often that’s due to guilt, anxiety, fear or resentment geared to protect one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.

5. Don’t think like a sole parent; you’re part of a parenting team.

When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren’t divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You’re a parent first and a divorcee second. Focus on  continuing to parent as a team. That creates an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for your child.

6. Don’t be rigid – flexibility is fruitful.

When you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent your kids win. Because you’re modeling the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness. It also builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Strive to forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue. Because that makes life easier for your child. Isn’t he or she worth it?

7. Don’t exclude the other parent when you have a choice.

Even if you are the primary residential parent that’s not license for excluding your ex. Include them in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child’s life. Think about how pleased your child will be. Having both parents on hand heightens significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child’s shoulders. They’ll thank you when they are grown.

Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn’t that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She’s a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For more information about Rosalind’s valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca, CDC  All rights reserved.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

I applaud parents who are striving to create a Child-Centered Divorce. It’s not always the easiest path, but it certainly is the most rewarding in the long-term for your children. It involves understanding and respecting your children’s needs whenever you are making decisions about your own life. This includes all facets of co-parenting. It also moves into decisions about starting over and dating after divorce.

As parents move beyond divorce and start thinking about the prospect of finding new relationships, there is much to take into account.

When it comes to issues related to dating after divorce, here are some common questions I am asked and the advice I suggest.

Is it ok to date when you’re separated, or should you wait until you are legally divorced?

It’s always better to take some time to prepare yourself before starting to date – legally divorced or not. Are you feeling clear and complete regarding your divorce? Are you emotionally comfortable and ready to move on? Did you learn the lessons you need to learn so you don’t repeat past mistakes? Dating won’t resolve anger issues, unresolved conflicts and insecurities. It’s crucial that you do the inner work first. Find the answers, work things out in your mind and heart before moving on into the dating world – regardless of how long it takes.

How long should you wait before introducing your “dates” to your children?

Take your time and get to know your new partner very well before introducing them to your child of any age. Children are emotionally vulnerable when new adults enter their lives, especially when they’re dating Mom or Dad. Don’t create a revolving door of “new friends” for your children to meet. Wait until you know this is a very special friend worthy of their attention. And then take it very slowly.

Make sure you remind your children that no one will ever replace their “real” Mom or Dad (unless you are justified in doing so). The transitions are a lot smoother when the new “friend” doesn’t come across as a new “parent.”

Test the waters with short meetings. Ask your kids how they like your “friend” and really listen to their responses. Never force the issue. Take your time with these introductions. And never get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t like kids, doesn’t like YOUR kids or competes for your attention around the kids!

On holidays, should you make an effort to try to spend time with your ex, to create a family-holiday atmosphere for your child?

In most cases the more time Mom and Dad spend “family style” with the children, the happier the kids are. But not every divorced parent is comfortable with that situation. If you can include your former spouse in holiday activities – even if for only a period of time – your children will appreciate that. You are modeling behavior your kids will emulate in their own lives. If it’s not a good fit, make sure the kids spend special holiday time with their other parent. Give your children the gift of peace and harmony when you and your ex are together. Make it as often as it works well, respecting everyone’s comfort levels!

Special events, graduations, birthdays and holidays can be so much more enjoyable when the kids don’t have to choose between the parents they love. And especially when those parents behave like mature adults in their presence.

If you had a good relationship with your ex’s family, should you try to stay in touch?

You are only divorcing your former spouse, not your children’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. The more you can continue life routines as close to normal, the easier the transition for your children. Make every effort to maintain relationships with extended family on both sides. Your children will appreciate it and thank you! So will Grandma and Granddad.

How long should you wait after you are divorced to start considering getting remarried?

Second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages. That’s because too many people don’t learn from their experiences and errors. Take your time in exploring the lessons and “gifts” from your divorce. See a counselor or coach. Join a support group for new pathways and options available to you. Enjoy the dating process. Make sure you’ve sincerely let go of the baggage from the past. Only then can you consider starting another new chapter in your life. And always take your children’s perspective into account. You may be in love, but are they? If your kids are not receptive to your new partner, life can be challenging. Often insights from a counselor or coach can help everyone find a path to happiness together.

What about sex? Do I really need to be in a committed relationship to enjoy intimacy again?

In our culture sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues. Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more satisfying and meaningful. People with high self-esteem usually prefer the emotional fulfillment of sex in a committed relationship. If you don’t, make sure your partner is in emotional agreement. It’s also worth spending time asking yourself what sex and intimacy mean to you. You may discover some insights worth exploring more deeply.

Do you consider the children of the person you are dating as baggage? Does the person you are dating think that way? 

Anyone who considers their date’s children as baggage should never date anyone with children. Children deserve better than to be considered an annoyance to put up with. If you’re a parent, don’t ever date someone who does not love and enjoy your children. The relationship will only deteriorate. And you never want to have to choose between your children and your love partner. If you feel burdened by your children, seek counseling to help work through this challenge. Children are sensitive. When they pick up on your feelings it will create emotional pain and insecurity that no child deserves.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca. All rights reserved.

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Co-Parenting Positively After Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Sadly, not every Family Law attorney is Child-Centered. Many are seriously too self-centered. They put their personal welfare before the wellbeing of the family caught up in the divorce. The outcome can be a higher conflict and higher cost divorce.

Michael Matracci, Esq. is one of the “good guy” collaborative divorce attorneys who avidly supports the concept and principles of Child-Centered Divorce. He is the author of an excellent book I’ve been recommending for you. Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations can be found on Amazon and  his website at www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Michael, who is a divorced parent himself. He shared with me a valuable technique he uses when dealing with parenting issues with his former spouse. I loved the concept and am passing it along to you. Because divorcing and divorced parents face continuous challenges, month after month, year after year. And when you love your kids, you want to do right by them!  

Michael asks himself three basic questions. They get to the heart of what a child-centered divorce is about: doing the very best for your children.

When a parenting issue arises that he and his former spouse have to face, before he takes any action he first answers these questions. So should you!

1. If we were two “normal” married parents, what would I do?

2. If we were still married, would this issue really be a big deal?

3. Is this about our child – or more about ME and HER/HIM?

These questions put you in the right perspective for taking wise and effective action. They help you detach from the emotional “drama” of your divorce. Have you been caught up in your “story”? Feeling like a victim, abused, hurt, angry, jealous or exploited by your former spouse? By questioning your motives you can remind yourself that parenting issues are not about YOU. They are about what’s in the best interest of the children you love.

That can mean sacrificing some ego gratification. Or biting your tongue when you want to be sarcastic. Or being more tolerant of an ex who sees things differently regarding discipline, rules and other parenting choices.

At the same time, it can also bring you into closer alignment with your children’s other parent. And, despite the divorce, that will help you determine the best outcomes for your children together as their parents.

Most important of all, these questions will remind you that when it comes to parenting decisions, choose to take the high road! Be the “mature” parent who puts their children’s needs first. That’s always the answer you are looking for — and one you will never regret.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca  All Rights Reserved

The post Co-Parenting After Divorce: 3 Crucial Questions Every Parent Must Answer appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Cooperative coparenting supports children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC 

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the U.S. and other nations around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, many Marriage and Divorce professionals word-wide are in agreement. These are tough times.

Professionals are seeing couples who were ready to call it quits postponing the divorce decision due to financial reasons. With food, clothing, vehicle, home and rental pricing at record highs, many are not divorcing because they can’t afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes. However, for others it just means adapting to ongoing states of unhappiness, disappointment and frustration.

This, of course, does not bear well for their innocent children. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage. The kids are affected whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break. At the same time, they’ve lost their emotional interdependence. That factor usually    helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically house-mates sharing a home and living expenses.

You’re a parent first despite your relationship decisions 

The problem is that they are also parents. And their children may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Both parents are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, coaches, school counselors and others. It’s disturbing for anyone who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs. This is especially important during times of high stress. 

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, like the Great Depression in the 1930s, divorce rates statistically decline. That’s because people can’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

There are no immediate resolutions for today’s economic challenges. Or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying in a marriage functioning in “form” only can be damaging for the children. Especially when parents ignore the emotional factors that kids need to thrive, feel confident, safe and secure.

Parents: Crucial questions to ask yourself now!

Now is the time to stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions whether   staying in or out of your marriage:

• Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?

• Are we as parents providing a secure environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?

• Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time our kids need  despite our own challenges as adults?

• Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our kids feel we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?

• Should we seek professional help to assure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?

• Are we being honest about our circumstances without confiding adult details to the kids that would be hurtful or confusing at their age?

• Are we restraining from arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness or other negativity when the children are present?

• Are we reminding our children how much we love them and always will love them despite changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine your children’s quality of life   whether they’re residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first. And a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Divorce Decisions & the Economy: No Excuse For Irresponsible Parenting appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting after divorce is always challenging, especially when your children act out. One big issue is handling children if they resist visitation with their other parent. Many factors come into play when this occurs.

Here are some questions to ask yourself which can help you determine the source of the problem. They’ll also help you understand the reasons why your children are resisting post-divorce contact with their other parent.

For simplification purposes, I’m using Dad as the example. However, this happens to fathers and mothers alike depending on their prior and post-divorce relationships.

Questions for parental self-reflection

1. Are the kids feeling guilty or disloyal when leaving your presence? This can easily influence their feelings toward spending time with their Dad.

2. Have they been privy to information, slurs or other comments that make them dislike their Dad? Do they hear you complain about him to family or friends? Are they being raised in an environment hostile towards Dad?

3. Has Dad been mistreating them or disciplining them in a different way than you do? Is the contrast between you two dramatic or extreme?

4. Are you sending mixed-messages to your kids about their Dad? Are you co-parenting respectfully with one another – or exposing the kids to conflict and tension?

5. Was their relationship or communication with Dad weak or limited prior to the divorce? It’s hard to establish a more positive relationship after divorce in families where Dad was absent or emotionally unavailable.

6. Are they holding Dad responsible for the divorce or its outcome? Children, especially as they grow older, can develop strong judgments about their life and blaming one parent is often the outcome.

Take a deeper dive into the issues for greater insight

Any one of these situations can influence a child’s decision regarding custody visitation. This must be addressed effectively. In many cases the parents can resolve the problem by discussing the issues together. Or they can enlist the guidance of a therapist, mediator or divorce coach.

As mentioned above, give serious thought to these experiences: Could you be showing signs of depression or neediness? Are you talking about missing your kids so much that they are afraid to leave you? This creates a guilt mind-set in the home. Your kids take on the parenting role and feel guilty loving or wanting to be with Dad. If this is the case, you are doing them an injustice and robbing them of the joys of having two parents to love.

I strongly suggest your sitting down with your kids to find out what their feelings are. Have they been comfortable in both homes? Are the rules in each home too different or even conflicting? Have outside issues such as getting to school on time, bullying neighbors or other challenges affecting their well-being? Is a new love interest affecting the living equation? Are your children afraid of spending time alone with one parent? And if so, why?

How Therapists & Coaches Can Make A Valuable Difference

These are complex and highly charged issues. Again, seeking the advice of a professional counselor or divorce coach can be useful for both parents. It’s especially helpful in uncovering the motivation behind your children’s behavior or anxieties.

Keep in mind that kids will often tell a child-psychologist “secrets” they’re not comfortable telling either of their parents. Listen to your children without judgment or lecturing. That only puts them on the defensive and stops the flow of communication. See if a family meeting to resolve issues together will work. When everyone contributes to and agrees on new rules they are more likely to be followed.

While visitation issues are certainly a legal matter, it’s essential that parents be pro-active in non-legal ways as well. It’s much easier and saner to handle situations related to your children within the family. That means avoid giving up your power to judges and courts, whenever possible.

Get the help you need from caring professionals who embrace the child-centered divorce philosophy. Be sure to address all issues as soon as you are aware of them. Your children will appreciate your care and loving attention – and thank you when they are grown.

Children do best when having healthy relationships with both parents. So be attentive to seeing the world from their perspective and responding proactively. Everyone in the family will benefit and visitation issues can be resolved more harmoniously. 

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous ebooks, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. To learn more about her valuable resources or schedule a coaching session, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Facing divorce and stymied about how to tell your kids? Wondering how it will affect them? Worried about hurting them with the news? When’s the best time to talk? What to say and not say? How they will respond? Not sure just what to confide?

 Well, you’re not alone.

There’s no doubt this might be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have. It’s a talk your children won’t want to have – and you must be prepared.

5 Big Mistakes To Avoid

Here are the five mistakes most commonly made by parents. Be sure you don’t add stress to your children’s lives by making these errors.

1. Exposing your children to parental conflict.

That not only includes fighting. Bad-mouthing their other parent, eye-rolling, sarcasm and other disrespectful behavior or remarks count too. Studies show that this does more damage to children than any other factor in their lives – whether in a divorced or still married family.

2. Making your children choose between their parents.

Don’t ask your children to make decisions or judgments regarding the parents they love. This puts enormous pressure on them. It’s your place to make all parenting decisions. Spare your children the guilt, shame or confusion they’ll experience when put in such a difficult situation.

3. Forgetting to emphasize that your children are innocent. 

Often children blame themselves for their parent’s failed marriage. It is important to remind the kids often that they played no part in the decision to divorce. They are not to blame. Even if you’re fighting about the kids, it was never their fault!

4. Turning your children into confidants or pals.

Adults have trouble handling the emotions connected to divorce issues. Imagine how children feel when they receive inappropriate information they are helpless to do anything about? Let your friends, or better yet, a divorce coach, be your sounding board. Not your children.

5. Trusting your kids to be your messengers.

Kids are kids, even older teens. Don’t ask them to relay messages to their other parent on your behalf. Often, they’ll forget. Sometimes they’ll make a mistake. Other times they’ll sabotage the message because they have their own agenda. Use an online scheduling app, email or text to communicate with your ex and keep the kids out of the mix.

Their future is in your hands!

The good news is there is lots of help available to you from qualified professionals. For a peaceful divorce, try mediation or an attorney specializing in the Collaborative or Amicable Divorce model. Family therapists are always an excellent resource. You can also reach out to clergy, guidance counselors in the schools or professional coaches who handle divorce and family issues. In addition, many outstanding books and articles provide expertise on this subject.

Don’t underestimate how seriously your children will be impacted by this life altering news. Speak gently and with love. Prioritize having both parents together and aligned when you break the news. Avoid the pitfalls that make a tough conversation even tougher on your kids. With care and compassion, you can set the stage for a positive future for both you and your children.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children – With Love!  To get Rosalind’s free ebook about Post-Divorce Parenting, learn about her coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Breaking The Divorce News? 5 Pitfalls To Avoid When Telling Kids! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Does parental anger affect children of divorce?

Studies repeatedly show that fighting around the children does more damage to them than divorce itself. That’s why as parents we need to be diligent in monitoring our children as well as our own behavior. So, we can safeguard our kids from emotional and psychological damage.

Exposure to conflict can change a child’s self-image and sense of security. It impacts their concept of the world and their ability to trust others. The consequences can last a lifetime.

A study published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence* shows that children exposed to constant parental bickering are more likely to be depressed. They are also more prone to expressing other “problem behaviors,” including substance abuse, aggression and poor school grades. Some children regress back to bed-wetting, thumb sucking or limiting social contact. Others move into bullying, acting out and thoughts of suicide.

Here are some essential behaviors to avoid during and after divorce to protect your children from the negative effects of conflict on their psyches.

1) Never battle where kids can see or hear you.

Little ears can pick up phone conversations as well as conflict behind closed bedroom doors. Parents often don’t think about the psychological impact of their arguments on children. It changes who they are and how they feel about themselves and life in general.

2) Never lie or play one parent off the other to win your child’s favors.

Telling lies about, bashing or demeaning your former spouse confuses, hurts and angers children in serious ways. Keep personal resentments personal and don’t use your kids as sounding boards. They’ll resent you for it and pay the price in stress, anxiety, depression and/or aggression. As they age, they’re also more likely to resent you. Many adult children of divorce disassociate with their parents when they learn truths about how the divorce was handled. You may “win” in the short-term, but your children will hold you accountable in the decades to come. Take the high road whenever you can. And remember, your children love both parents and don’t want to be forced to take sides.

3) Never let your children feel unimportant to you.

Too many divorced parents ignore their children during custodial visits. Some hand the kids off to other caregivers so they can work, have free time or catch up on chores. Children need to share attentive time with parents. When they don’t, it creates conflict and anxiety. When you’re with your children remind them of how much you love them. Give them your time. When you can’t, explain the circumstances and make plans for when you can. Then be fully there so they feel valued and valuable!

4) Never share adult information with your kids.

Sure, it’s tempting to tell your children that dad’s affair or mom’s drug addiction caused the divorce. But don’t. Not even with teens. Kid’s brains can’t make sense of complex adult relationship challenges. Nor can they resolve your issues. Adult information only burdens them with knowledge they can’t forget about situations they can’t fix. It literally robs them of their childhood. And every child deserves a childhood! Vent to friends and divorce professionals for support. Try to minimize the stress in your child’s life. They will thank you when they’re grown adults!

Married or divorced, the results of parental conflict or inattention are the same. Children get wounded on a deep emotional level that can scar them for life. Children only get one childhood. Don’t they deserve the very best you can provide for them:your love, attention and the security of your presence? Be the person you want them to model themselves after. You’ll never regret it – nor will they!

(*January, 2012: Journal of Research on Adolescence)

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, her free articles, personal coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post 4 Ways Parental Anger and Conflict Harm Children of Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

During and after divorce your children may be hypersensitive about many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations are no longer that. Questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with anxiety, resentment or ager.

This is understandable when you consider that the stability of the world they knew has been dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills. They may become more clinging, aggressive or more aloof – depending on their adaptability and perspective about the divorce.

This is a time to master the art of good parent/child communication. Time to reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that things will be okay again despite the changes inflicted by your divorce.

Here are some solid tips for more effective communication with your children. Master them today and they will work on your behalf for years and years ahead.

PROVIDE PRIVACY

·      Keep your conversations private – at times when others are not around. This assures a more relaxed connection, more intimacy and safety. Your child is more likely to open up and confide their real feelings when they know they have your full attention. That means close the computer, put down the phone, turn off the TV. Let your child know you are interested in what they are feeling and saying.

LISTEN CAREFULLY

·      Listen carefully to get the gist of what they are saying, even if you don’t like the message. Don’t interrupt or correct them as they speak. You’ll have your turn. If they don’t feel “heard” you are likely not going to have another chance at real communication. Here’s where “active listening” skills are a real plus. So paraphrase back what you think you’ve heard. Look directly at them, and nod your head to show you’re listening. Then ask if you got the message right after you’ve repeated it.

FORGO THE WHY

·      Focus more on what happened rather than “why.” Allow the entire story to be told or all their feelings to be shared. Be mindful not to get defensive or jump to judgment. You can still parent, explain your values, and support your decisions. But do it while not minimizing your child’s right to their own “take” on things. Also remind your child that they are loved and accepted, despite what they think or have done. You can reject the behavior without rejecting the child.

BE RESPECTFUL

·      Avoid the lectures, the smug ”I told you so’s,” the moralizing put-downs. These become forms of embarrassing your children, especially if others are around. Instead offer constructive ways to remedy the situation when possible. Brainstorm together. Remind your child that not all challenges can be neatly resolved or agreed upon by all parties. This can be a valuable life-lesson for them if shared with empathy, compassion and insight.

BEHAVE RESPONSIBLY

·      Don’t put down or demean their other parent, as tempting as it may be for you. Allow your child to love both of you without feeling guilt or shame. Never share adult information with your child, even a teen. They are not prepared to process it and are helpless to change adult situations. Allow them the innocence of childhood while you continue to parent as a mature adult.

While it’s often easier to provide negative feedback, try to end your discussions on a positive tone. This will encourage additional conversations and their willingness to confide in you again when things are not going well.

Find something you can praise in their behavior or their communication so they feel valued and significant. Remember, divorce imposes changes within the family that your children never asked for. With these thoughts in mind you’ll deepen your relationship with your children at a time when they need it most!

Feeling challenged or overwhelmed? Seek out support from a Divorce Coach who is family oriented and has your child’s best interest at heart. Learn some new skills. You will be better prepared to face communication challenges with your kids long into the future.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post Parents: 5 Crucial Tips For Talking To Kids During & After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

parenting after divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce affects everyone differently and its impact lingers with us for different periods of time. But there’s one thing that never changes: the aftermath of divorce can be a sense of self-discovery or internment in a self-made prison of depression and resentment. What influences us the most is how well we accept what is and our determination to use the divorce as a pathway to a new and better life.

The good news: it’s all up to us. We can create an attitude of positive expectation or we can subjugate ourselves to months and years of self-pity and despair down the road. The bad news: it’s not always easy to change our attitude or perspective on life. But if you do, you’ll be rewarded with a happier future for yourself as well as your children.

Here are some vital steps to embracing your divorce as a catalyst to a brighter future. 

1: Focus on boosting your self-esteem.

One of the most damaging effects of divorce can be a toll on your self-esteem, especially if you were not the partner who initiated the breakup. Feeling rejected, abused or like a victim is understandable during and after divorce.

However, that mindset can hold you back from using the divorce as a stepping-stone to a healthier new reality. It’s up to us to decide we’re going to create a better life for ourselves and our children by adopting a positive attitude about the possibilities ahead.

That means being pro-active and not re-active in your decisions, looking for new friends and activities that are fulfilling, exploring new sides of our self that may have been dormant during the marriage, and developing a higher level of self-confidence. Your children will benefit from watching you re-discover who you are and learn from your approach to tackling life challenges as a positive role model.

2: Protect your children’s emotional wellbeing.

Your children are always innocent regarding divorce, even if you’ve been fighting over them. So protect the kids as much as you can. Be sure to keep your personal drama as far away from the children as possible. Don’t share adult information with them or turn your child into a confidant. Let your kids enjoy their childhood despite the divorce. Reach out to divorce professionals, especially coaches or therapists. They specialize in addressing the emotional and psychological facets of this complex experience for support and guidance. You don’t have to navigate these challenges alone.

3: Use divorce as a lesson in self-awareness.

Ask yourself some crucial questions: What went wrong – and why? What part did I play in the break-up of my marriage? If I had responded earlier to red flags might I have changed the course of our marriage, reduced the hurt and pain, put us back on track or better protected myself and the children? These are hard questions to reflect upon. Find a therapist, coach or support group to guide you in finding answers and insights. Usually, if we knew better we’d have done better. So don’t focus on regrets. Find the lessons you can learn now – and move ahead with more confidence in creating a happier future.

4: Forgive yourself as well as your Ex.

Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. It’s not for or about the other person. It releases you from the pain of staying bound up in the past. Blaming yourself or your former spouse serves no purpose in reinventing your life. It holds you back from enjoying today – as well as tomorrow. This is a huge step forward, but you may need professional assistance in letting go, moving on and understanding the value of forgiveness as a positive tool for self-empowerment. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning or forgetting the hurtful experiences in the past. It means you’re freeing yourself from letting it hurt you any more!

5: Re-explore your expectations about healthy relationships.

Were you looking for the right partner when you married? Or can you now see that you accepted or settled for less than you deserved? Were you the one who had erroneous expectations about what a committed relationship was about? Do you have a better idea of the kind of person who would complement your interests, values and long-term goals? Successful relationships take skill in communicating, handling conflict, compromising and sharing space. It’s even more challenging when children are involved. Before moving back into the singles-dating arena, take time to learn about who you really are, what you can give and what you need in return to have a fulfilling intimate relationship. Take your time. Get the professional help you may need. Do it right this time. Your future is depending on it. And your children will thank you as well!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For Rosalind’s co-parenting courses, Coaching services and free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. For guidance in dating after divorce and choosing healthy relationships visit www.womendatingrescue.com or www.mensdatingformula.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

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By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Larry Sarezky is a Family Law attorney with a strong, child-centered focus, which is why I so value and respect his work. He tells me his biggest fear, as a divorce lawyer, is that thousands of children are growing up wondering why the “grown-ups” didn’t protect them from their parents’ high conflict divorces.

As Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, I totally concur. When parents don’t take responsibility for their divorce actions and decisions, the outcomes can be pretty nasty, especially for their children. Sure, they try to justify and rationalize their behavior – but we know better. Parents have CHOICES every step of the way. The consequences of those choices can be damaging or supportive to your children. It depends where you put your attention.

Crucial Questions To Answer Before you Battle …

Larry created a list of ten questions to ask clients who were considering custody battles. He tells them, “If it’s your co-parent who wants to fight over the kids, see if he or she can answer the following.”

DO YOU WANT …

1. your children to endure months of anxiety and uncertainty as to where they will be living? And wonder whether they will have the relationship they want with their parents and siblings?
2. to have your children subjected to interviews by attorneys, mental health professionals and court personnel during which they may feel frightened, humiliated, and pressured to be loyal to both parents?
3. court ordered professionals subjecting your children to questioning about their most personal fears and frailties?
4. your children exposed to high conflict between parents? Clinical studies show those kids are at risk for psychological damage. Do you want to risk your children developing emotional disorders as a result of your high-conflict custody battle?
5. your inability to resolve your differences to serve as a model of parenting for your children?
6. intimate details of your life to become a matter of public record? 
7. a stranger deciding how often you will see your children, and how you will make decisions concerning them?
8. a substantial portion of your assets used as fees for attorneys and expert witnesses? Especially since there is no guarantee that you will be happy with the result?
9. to give up attention to detail that negotiated agreements typically contain but that judges’ decisions do not?
10. to engage in costly, time-consuming and rancorous litigation that can make future cooperation between you and your co-parent extremely difficult at best? And then, resumption of effective joint parenting nearly impossible?

These are great and insightful questions that take the luster off of custody battles and put a spotlight on the damaging and often devastating outcomes that result.

Questions for Caring Co-Parents Looking Ahead …

I’d like to add a few of my own list of questions. I share these during mentoring sessions with parents not only before, but long after the divorce as well. Sit together and discuss these questions, or review them during mediation. It can help you avoid serious mistakes and unnecessary strife now and well into the future.

BOTH PARENTS ASK YOURSELF …

1. How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?
2. What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
3. Will our children respect us when they’re adults for the way we handled the divorce?
4. How can we best support our children – and minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon them as a result of our divorce?
5. Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children? For what percent of each day, week, month and year? Can we be flexible as the kids age and change stages in life?
6. Am I burdening my children with responsibilities only an adult should have to bear?
7. Would I make this same parenting decision if we were still married? Or am I allowing my anger/hatred/resentment/pain to affect my judgment and clarity?
8. How can we show our love and compassion for our children as they move through challenges they did not ask for – or create?
9. Do I want to rob my children of their childhood because of my divorce?
10. How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual? Can we work together to create harmony, good will and a sense of peace within the family structure?

And last, but most important of all …

Do I love my kids more than I may dislike or hate my Ex?

With these questions as guidelines, you are on a straight path to creating a child-centered divorce. That’s a divorce that respects your children’s rights through cooperative, respectful joint-parenting.

It may not be the easiest path, but it will generate the best outcome for everyone in the family. And, one day, when your kids are grown adults, they will THANK YOU for doing your divorce right!

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To learn more about Larry Sarezky, how to protect children during divorce, and to preview the Telly Award-winning film, Talk to Strangers, visit www.ChildCustodyFilm.com.

To access Rosalind Sedacca’s divorce and co-parenting coaching services or her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right! as well as other helpful resources, visit www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com.

The post 21 Questions For Divorcing Parents Before Fighting Over the Kids appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Getting divorced and then co-parenting is especially challenging for parents who are coping with addiction issues. Or find themselves co-parenting with an addict. This is even more complicated if one or both parents are not fully dependable, trustworthy or responsible.

6 Challenges That Complicate the Co-Parenting  Experience

Difficulties can be compounded by the many issues all parents face following a divorce. This includes one or both parents …  

1)  Giving the raw emotions resulting from the divorce an active voice in this new stage in their lives.

2)  Bringing previous baggage from the marriage into play. Ongoing conflicts, differing styles of communication, unresolved issues and continual frustrations can hinder negotiating a co-parenting plan.

3)  Vying for the respect and love of the children. It can be tempting to make parenting decisions in ways that win them popularity with the kids.

4)  Letting anger and resentment resulting from the divorce settlement influence levels of cooperation in the months and years ahead.

5)  Disagreeing about major issues that weren’t previously part of the parenting dynamic. This may include: custody, after-school activities, behavior problems, drug use and more.

6)  Conflicting about values and visions for the children as they grow as well as steps for honoring those values.

Finding ways of co-parenting effectively is not a one-time discussion. It takes on-going communication and a commitment to safeguarding the children. 

Consequences & Complications For Co-Parents

The consequences, when it doesn’t work, can be considerable. Your children are likely to exploit any lack of parental agreement. Often, they will pit parents against one another when they can. This can result in major family turmoil fueled by behavior problems that neither parent is prepared to handle.

Addiction problems bring another layer of confusion. The addicted parent may not be granted shared custody and may have limited visitation. I encourage these parents to take advantage of video chats, emails, phone calls and other options that support continual parent-child connection.

Equally important, both parents must keep their promises. Don’t make agreements you can’t live up to. And never show up intoxicated or unprepared to parent, fully focused on your children’s needs.

Divorced parents can parent as a team regardless of how far apart they live. They can agree about behavioral rules, consequences, schedules and other shared intentions. Or they can agree to disagree and not make those differences an area of contention.

It’s when differences move into high conflict that kids can get hurt, caught between battling parental egos. Children often feel guilty and confused in contentious parenting situations. That is rarely healthy within the post-divorce family structure.

Get professional support to guide you if you’re uncomfortable when the kids are with your co-parent. Discuss your options objectively. Sometimes it’s hard to create workable solutions for co-parenting success alone. Seek out the assistance of an expert experienced with addiction and its challenges.

Remember that co-parenting will be a life-long process for the two of you. Why not do it in a way that will garner your children’s respect and appreciation? They will thank you when they are grown adults.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

The post Co-Parenting With An Addict After Divorce: Advice For Both Parents! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

During and after divorce your children may be hyper-sensitive about

many things. What may have formerly been routine conversations,

questions or activities can now be touchy subjects fraught with

anxiety, resentment or ager. This is understandable when you

consider that the stability of the world they knew has been

dramatically altered. Minor insecurities can easily grow into major

problems. Children may regress in their behaviors and skills.

Some become more clinging – others more aloof – depending on their

adaptability and perspective about the divorce.

This is the time to focus on good parent/child communication.

You can reinforce or rebuild trust, security and confidence that

things will be okay again – despite the changes inflicted by your

divorce.

Here are some solid tips for more effective communication with your

children. Master them today and they will work on your behalf for

years and years ahead.

• Keep your conversations private – at times when others are not around.

This assures a relaxed connection, more intimacy and

safety. Your child is more likely to open up and confide their real

feelings when they know they have your full attention. That means

close the computer, put down the phone, turn off the TV. Let

your child know you are interested in what they are feeling and

thinking.

• Listen carefully to get the gist of what they are saying, even if you don’t like the message.

Don’t interrupt or correct them as they speak. You’ll have your turn. But if they

don’t feel “heard” you are likely not going to have another chance at real communication.

Here’s where “active listening” skills are a big plus. So paraphrase

back what you think you’ve heard, look directly at them, and nod

your head to show you’re listening. Then ask if you got the message

right after you’ve repeated it.

• Focus more on what happened rather than “why.”

Allow the entire story to be told or all their feelings to be shared without jumping

to judgment. You can still parent, explain your values, and support

your decisions while not minimizing your child’s right to their own

“take” on things. Also remind your child that they are loved and

accepted, despite what they think or have done. You can reject the

behavior without rejecting the child.

• Avoid the lectures, the smug ”I told you so’s,” the moralizing put-downs.

Be mindful about other forms of embarrassing or shaming your children,

especially if others are around. Offer constructive ways to remedy the

situation when possible. Brainstorm together. Remind your child

that not all challenges can be neatly resolved or agreed upon by

all parties. This can be a valuable life-lesson for them, shared

with empathy, compassion and insight.

While it’s often easier to provide negative feedback, try to end

your communication in a positive tone. This will encourage

additional conversations and their willingness to confide in you

again when things are not going well. Find something you can praise

in their behavior or their communication so they feel valued and

significant. Remember, divorce imposes changes within the family

that your children never asked for. With these thoughts in mind

you’ll deepen your relationship with your children at a time when

they need it most!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents. She’s also the author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  For Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right! and valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post Divorced Parents: Communicate Compassionately With Your Kids For a Happier Outcome! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce can be devastating when you’re a parent. You can’t just crawl into a hole and grieve, rant or rage. You must still care for the wellbeing of your children. And sometimes this challenge is so overwhelming parents fail to cope with the responsibilities of parenting. When that happens, your children pay a high price. And very often, you may not be fully aware of how your kids are affected.

It’s not always easy to remember that your children may be grieving as deeply as you are during and after divorce. It’s even more frightening for them because they were not responsible for the divorce. Nor are they aware of the complex dynamics that led up to the split. Their fears are compounded by apprehension about whether either parent may   ever divorce them. They fear what will happen to them and their family in the future.

As dramatically as your life has been altered, remember, so too has theirs.

Put yourself in your children’s shoes for deeper awareness!

In their innocence children often mistake their parent’s grief as rejection. They pick up on changes in Mom and/or Dad’s behavior, attention and state of mind. But they don’t always understand the depth of pain you are experiencing and how it can affect your day-to-day parenting. Of course, kids can see when you are sad. However, they may not always comprehend that your emotional pain is keeping you from being with them in ways you were in the past. Some days you may not be in the mood to play with them, prepare dinner or help with homework. A child can interpret this as rejection – or believe you don’t love them anymore.

Due to their lack of sophistication children often fail to understand that you’re feeling upset about the divorce. And that is affecting your parenting behavior. They may question why you’re not as attentive as in the past. Or whether your sadness is their fault. Or if you’re angry with them for loving their other parent. This can create emotional instability and deep anxiety, especially for children with limited abilities to express their feelings.

Mindfully protecting your children as a divorcing or divorced parent!

Here are some suggestions for helping your kids adjust to the complex emotional changes in family life during and after divorce.

1)  Be generous with your affection: Be aware of when you can’t be “yourself” regarding activities you used to do with the kids. At those times, offer a hug, a few minutes of cuddle time or kind words of affection. Those gestures will remind them that they’re still loved and important to you.

2)  Be discreet when you need to emote: There’ a time for raging, hitting pillows and venting to your friends. But it’s not when the kids are within earshot. When you need to express your grief, find a place away from the children. Remember, you don’t want to deprive them of their childhood. Even more damaging is making them your confidant or therapist!

3)  Be sincere about your feelings: When you’re overwhelmed with sadness around the kids, be honest. But also be clear that it’s not their fault. Say something like “I’m feeling sad and don’t feel like playing right now. It’s nothing you’ve done. I hope to be feeling better a little later, okay?”

4)  Be receptive to professional help: Having a trusted support system can make all the difference in helping you cope with your divorce. Find a therapist, divorce coach or support group specializing in coping skills for parents. You’ll discover better ways to move through the transitions ahead while being there for your children. Also consider professional resources for your kids if they are struggling. Ask at their schools about programs and professionals who specialize in divorce recovery.

You are not alone. Don’t suffer in silence or pain when you can take advantage of proven strategies that work. Reach out for a support system for both you and the children you love!

                                                                           *     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, her coaching services and other valuable resources for divorcing and divorced parents, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© All rights reserved. Rosalind Sedacca

The post Unraveling the Emotional Toll of Divorce on Your Children! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Communication with your child is essential.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

It’s no secret that one of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is staying in good communication with your children. All parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow. However, children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention. Plus, diligent and consistent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead, they reflect their problems through their behavior. Often they will act out. Other kids may regress or turn inward in ways that you have not experienced prior to the divorce.

Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes. You will be better able to meet their needs and understand their confusion or aggression. Then you can find appropriate ways to resolve tension and heal hurts through your conversation and caring behaviors.

Tips for more effective parent-child communication

Here are some tips that most professionals agree will encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. Many of these are obvious or innate behaviors. However, others can easily be forgotten amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

·       Be available and attentive when your child comes to you to talk or ask questions. That means turning off the TV, putting down the tablet, not answering the phone and giving them eye-contact and a welcoming smile. Sometimes attempting to talk to you takes considerable thought and risk on their part. Encourage these conversations when they happen.

·       It is helpful to sit, kneel or in other ways get down closer to your child’s level when you talk. Towering over them is a form of intimidation that does not translate into safety or trust.

·       Keep your conversations private unless they want to include others. Let them know they are safe in confiding to you. Reassure your child that you are interested and care about matters that concern them.

·       Don’t dismiss a subject lightly if it is one bothering your child. Laughing, joking or teasing can create alienation. That can discourage your child to share what is bothering them with you. Creating mistrust is a dangerous road to travel, especially as your children develop into their teen years.

·       Equally important is to never embarrass your children or put them on the spot in front of others. This will immediately close the door to honest, trustworthy communication.

·       Avoid talking to your child when you are angry or upset with them or others. Promise to talk again at a specific time and place after you’ve had a chance to settle down and regain your objectivity.

·       Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Listen carefully and then paraphrase back what you heard them say. Ask if you’re right in your interpretation. They’ll tell you. This give and take will help you more precisely understand what is really at issue.

·       Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions, which keep the dialogue open.

·       Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!

·       Remember that lecturing, preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.

·       Catch your judgments and put-downs, even when confronted with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.

·       Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future. Accept their apology as well.

·       Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about. 

Healthy communication is the foundation for a happier future

Children who feel safe talking to their parents grow up as better communicators overall. They will be more likely to have healthy communication in their own adult relationships – with their spouses and children.

Some parents keep their feelings repressed and don’t usually discuss issues that come up. That sends the message that it’s not all right to talk about things that bother us. The consequences of this can be seen in our nightly news headlines every day.

You can open the doors to caring communication in your home by beginning today. Your children may be a little resistant at first as they test the waters. In time they will come to appreciate this opportunity once they know you are sincere. Start the process yourself – and see how valuable it is to “hear” what your children have to say!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!  For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right! and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Parent/Child Communication Is Even More Crucial After Divorce! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

In a newsletter from Dr. Mark Goulston, he makes a disturbing point. “When asked to  choose between their parents being nicer to them or more loving towards each other, most teenagers pick the latter. The animosity between parents is very painful to their children.”

Stop and think about that for a moment. Teenagers would sacrifice receiving more love from their parents if they could assure their parents got along better with one another.

This reinforces what most mental health professionals have long known. Parental conflict is a source of continual pain for our children – whether the parents are married or divorced!

As a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, this is extremely important. I want both parents to fully understand the impact of parental discord upon your children. That’s why I ask every client: Do you love your children more than you dislike your Ex? If you really do, then you need to understand the negative consequences of conflict. It’s emotionally damaging when parents (and others) fight, disparage or in other ways disrespect one another around the children.  

The importance of parental love, involvement and support!

Parents are the stability in any family. Children derive security from parental love, support and protection. Especially after divorce. If the children feel both parents are still there for them, providing love and guidance, they can thrive.

However, that changes when one parent tries to demean the other parent. Or if they use the kids as confidants to vent their anger or frustration. Because then the sanctity of security is broken.

At that point the children are thrown into a state of conflict and confusion. With whom do they side? Will the other parent resent them for taking sides? What if they still love their other parent who is being criticized and demeaned? Are they being disloyal to one parents if they want to defend or support the other parent? It’s a no-win struggle!

Children, even older teens, are deeply troubled when trying to find solutions to these challenging questions. It robs them of their sleep. It robs them of their childhood. It affects school performance, and changes who they are emotionally and psychologically. This is a burden no parent should inflict on their children. Yet it happens all too often, with little awareness of the consequences.

How children are impacted by parental and internal conflict 

Feeling guilty, shamed and confused, children start acting out to cope with the internal conflict. They may get more aggressive. Or start bullying at home or at school. Often, they show other behavior problems with parents or siblings.

Other kids turn within, disengaging from family and friends. They may withdraw from school, sports or other activities they used to love. The loss of trusted parental security creates despair and can lead to depression and thoughts of suicide.

Child psychologists deal with these challenges regularly as parents bring their children in for “help.” Most of these parents haven’t a clue that the cause was their poor parenting choices during and after divorce.

Monitoring your comments to support your kids’ mental health

Here are some typical comments to avoid when talking to your children about their other parent:

• Do you hear yourself saying: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom?”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother?”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know, making sure the kids get the negative judgment?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …?”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns. They can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love. And alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your kids move through their teens and grow older.

Minding your tongue around your kids can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. However, it is also one of the behaviors that will most benefit your children through their life. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks hurt and harm your kids. Work on maintaining the best possible relationship with your ex – for the sake of the children. This is a parental responsibility on your shoulders.

Need help? Join a Co-Parent support group. Find a compassionate Divorce Coach. Seek out a therapist. Talk to a school counselor. Master communication skills and be the role model you want to be for your children. That’s a gift that will keep on giving and enhancing their lives — thanks to you!

***    ***     ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post How Parental Conflict Harms Children Long After Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Divorce and the Blended Family

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

There are twenty million blended families in the United States alone. That number has more than doubled over the past twenty years. Some project that blended families will become the norm, or at least a majority, within the next decade. Regardless of the statistics, blended families are a growing reality in our society.

Blended family challenges can be overwhelming if not handled with awareness and sensitivity for all concerned. Whether you’re a step-parent, step-child or step-sibling, you face issues that other families do not encounter.

10 Tips For Parents & New Partners!

Here are some suggestions especially for parents and their partners entering a blended family. They will help minimize problems and tension within your new family unit.

1. BE PATIENT: Don’t expect to be the Brady Bunch right from the start. Allow your family members time to adjust to a new reality and new people sharing the same space.

2. PLAN AHEAD: Discuss family rules and rituals before you make the move into one home. Set agreements and expectations – address questions and upsets – so no one is surprised by the inevitable areas of confusion that are likely to come up once cohabitation begins.

3. DON’T DISCIPLINE: If you’re not the parent, don’t discipline your partner’s children. Kids will rarely accept that level of parenting from the “new” Mom or Dad. Their biological parent needs to maintain discipline and agreed upon rules and not expect to you to step in.

4. EXPECT JEALOUSY: Jealousy and insecurity inevitably rear up in blended families. Adults can feel threatened by the children of their new partner. Not surprisingly children can also feel afraid of losing their parent to a new spouse. No one should have to choose between their child and their partner. Spread your love abundantly and communicate responsibly.

5. ADDRESS CHALLENGES: Have family meetings to discuss tensions, insecurities and other adjustment issues. Bring these challenges into the open and share your feelings about them. Asking others to be honest about theirs, opens the door to understanding that everyone in the family is making adjustments. No one is alone in feeling unsure about the future – or wrong for feeling anxiety.

6. SPEAK OUT: Don’t be a martyr and keep your feelings in. Talk about what you need and expect. Find out what others want, as well. Create a dialogue that addresses issues as they come up. Avoid burying emotions and grudges until they explode in toxic behavior.

7. BE YOURSELF: Forget the Mary Poppins image and just be who you are. Avoid overcompensating or allowing yourself to be stepped upon due to guilt or the desire to be accepted. It takes time to win the respect of your partner’s children. It happens through the reality of your day-by-day behavior and attitude.

8. STEP AWAY: Know your boundaries. Detach yourself from issues that are not yours. Let your partner deal with their children when you don’t own the problem.

9. BE FLEXIBLE: Fine-tune your strategies, rules and approaches to conflict on a regular basis. Learn from what worked – and didn’t – and adapt your game plan accordingly. Remember, you’re the adults. Don’t expect the children to take responsibility for correcting situations that need addressing. Seek professional counsel as a support system. Innocent lives are at stake.

10. LIGHTEN UP: Have a sense of humor. Know which battles are worth fighting – and which to shrug off with a grin. Smiles can be contagious and reduce tension during tough times.

Honor the other divorced parent as well!

BONUS TIP: Be respectful of the divorced parent at all times. Honor their place in their child’s heart — and life. Kids can love many adults at one time so avoid confrontations and power plays. That’s a gift every child deserves. And there’s no greater lesson for them to learn than watching loving adults making mature decisions!

With these tips in mind, you can avoid many of the headaches that come with a blended family. They will help everyone enjoy the many rewards that can be found in your expanded family dynamic!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post How Blended Family Challenges Impact Parents & Children! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

While anger is a natural emotion, when faced with a challenging situation, it can also create the most destructive consequences. Not surprisingly it can easily sabotage your co-parenting relationship for you and your children.  

Improperly expressed anger accelerates conflict and can produce difficulties between co-parents, children and extended family. The impact also touches friends, your co-workers, neighbors and colleagues. The inappropriate expression of anger can start with some forms of verbal abuse. However, it can also lead to physical violence. Left uncontrolled, it can result in encounters with law enforcement and the judicial system.

The impact of mismanaged anger

We all get angry and feel anger when “triggered.” However, we always have choices regarding how we act upon those feelings. Acting before thinking can lead to mismanaged anger and heightened conflict. Once you have reacted to anger, you have allowed your feelings to control you. This leads to actions and behaviors you never would have taken if you were making wiser, more rational choices.

Knowing how to manage anger can help you set limits and determine comfortable boundaries. This is especially important during and after divorce. And in all your relationships. It will also improve interactions with others, including strangers.

Being exposed to poorly managed anger is especially damaging to children. They are emotionally impacted far more than adults by tension, loud voices, threats and, of course, violence. Children tend to blame themselves when things go wrong around them. They cannot understand that your problem is not their fault. They are helpless to find a solution.

Understanding the role of anger in domestic violence

Anger is a major contributing factor in domestic abuse. Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes around the world. It can take many forms including frequent conflict, physical or sexual violence. It often involves financial secrecy, dependence and restrictions. Abuse cuts across all socio-economic boundaries, all ages, both genders, all religions and educational levels. It is based on the principles of power and control. Sadly, most victims are women (85%), but it is growing amongst men (15%). Innocent children are often caught in the heightened tension as well.

Domestic violence is unpredictable, yet there is a pattern that is repeated with each episode. It starts with the honeymoon phase, where things seem to be running smoothly and going well. It then moves on to the intimidation phase, including actual violence. Then is moves back to the honeymoon/forgiveness phase. However, the level of violence gets worse after each incident and the duration of the violence is longer. It can easily escalate from threats to verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder!

What is considered to be Domestic Abuse? Any coercive behavior that a person uses to exploit, injure, mistreat or violate their current or former intimate partner. The tactics an abuser uses can be varied. These include intimidation, threats, put downs, isolation, humiliation and other verbal sabotage as well as physical abuse. Fortunately, this behavior is no longer thought of as just a family matter. In recent decades it is being recognized as a crime.

According to the FBI, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44 in the United States. About one out of every four women in America will be physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner in their lives. American women are more likely to be assaulted, raped or killed by a male partner than by any other type of assailant.

In addition to the physical injuries, domestic violence has other consequences. It can lead to depression, anxiety, panic attacks, substance abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder. Abuse may also trigger suicide attempts or psychotic episodes.

Recognizing your own anger issues is the starting point

How do you know whether you have anger management issues? Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I lose my temper easily and quickly? 

Do small things set you off, like getting stuck in traffic, children running around the house or spilling your coffee? Do you have a low tolerance for frustration? Is It difficult for you to take things in stride?

• Do I show inconsistent behavior that is intimidating to others? 

Is your behavior so unpredictable that one minute you’re feeling good and the next, you become explosive?

• Have I hurt people close to me because of my anger? 

Have you lost love partners, friends, family or perhaps even your job? Do people distance themselves from being close to you?

• Do I find myself explaining or justifying my aggressive behavior to others? 

Do you blame others for enticing you or provoking you to express anger?

• Does my anger spiral out of control? 

Once you get angry, is it difficult for you to de-escalate? Does it seem to take over and take a while before you are able to settle down?

• Do I have difficulties with authority figures? 

Do you not like people telling you what to do and often get into confrontations? Do you purposefully refuse to complete assignments? Do you ignore following directions as a sign of rebellion?

• Do I frequently argue with my co-parent, kids, family and friends? 

Is it difficult for you to have a conversation without getting angry? Does it anger you when others disagree with you or make you feel wrong, stupid or inadequate?

If you can relate to any of the above questions, reach out for help from a therapist or divorce coach. You will also benefit from our Anger Management For Co-Parents online program.

This 8-hour self-paced program provides signs to watch for in your own behavior. It also identifies “red flag” warnings about problem partners to avoid. And it provides a variety of tools and strategies for reducing conflict and taking control of your feelings. It will help you find healthier ways of expressing anger, frustration and other difficult feelings. These tips will make for more peaceful and rewarding co-parenting and other life experiences. The comprehensive format includes descriptions and explanations, personal quizzes and exercises as well as a final self-exam.

If you recognize this behavior in your co-parent, the program will provide valuable insights as well to help you avoid repeating old patterns.

To learn more, visit www.angerconflictprograms.com.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The post How Anger & Conflict Sabotages Your Co-Parenting Relationship appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Divorced Parents: your children are watchintg!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

While moving through divorce can seem like an insurmountable obstacle, for many parents it is just the beginning of a new and equally intimidating challenge: co-parenting your children. Hats off to all of you who have chosen to remain in your children’s lives as co-parents. It means both of you care deeply about your children and want to continue raising them in the least-disruptive possible manner.

Of course not all parents can share the parenting process in this way and for some couples it is not realistic to even attempt it. But those divorced parents who choose to live relatively close to one another so as not to disturb the school, sports and other related schedules of their children, certainly deserve credit and acknowledgement.

This is a complex topic that can’t be glossed over with a few simple how-tos. It is based on sincere levels of communication and a sense of trust between the former spouses. When handled with care, your children enjoy the security and comfort of being with their other parent when they are not with you. You are less dependent on strangers as caretakers in their lives, and that is a win-win all around.

One of the best things you can do for your children is to transition smoothly to co-parenting with your former spouse. It won’t always be easy and there will certainly be challenges along the way, but here are some guidelines to remember that will help make your new co-parenting relationship work.

• Don’t bad-mouth your ex around the kids, ever! If kids ask questions, give them age- appropriate answers that are honest but not judgmental. Keep adult information from your children and don’t point the finger of blame at their Mom or Dad. Kids are hurt and feel guilty when the parent they love is put-down by their other parent.

• Never fight around your children. Parental conflict creates turmoil and emotional upheaval for kids. Keep conflict away from them and they are better able to handle the adjustments divorce makes in their lives.

• Always offer your ex the opportunity for special times with the kids – before involving a new relationship partner, i.e.: taking your teen for their drivers test or tryouts for a new sport.

• Don’t share adult information with your kids, even teens, as tempting as it may seem. Their brains can’t fully comprehend complex emotional material. Nor can they “fix” your relationships problems. Becoming aware of adult issues robs kids of their childhood which they can never get back again. Use experienced professionals and caring friends as your confidants.

• Avoid making your children your spies. Kids pick up on your motivation and feel uncomfortable with questions about their other parent’s life and activities. Often, they will lie to protect one or both of you. Don’t put them into such a difficult and challenging position.

• Prioritize Mom and Dad being together for special occasions: celebrating birthdays, graduations and other significant events. Be considerate of one another as co-parents to eliminate stress so your kids can enjoy the event with a sense of family support.

• You and your ex won’t agree on all things so decide to pick your battles regarding parenting issues. Determine what’s worth discussing and addressing. Identify the situations you can’t control as well as the battles you won’t win and need to release. Your children will thank you for taking the high road whenever possible.

• Use an online scheduling tool to keep straight about visit swaps, school activities, sports, vacations, holidays, parties and who is doing what – when! These tools are designed to help you reduce conflict, misunderstandings, stress and errors when it comes to parenting your children.

When you ignore any of these basic co-parenting guidelines, you set yourself up for conflict, jealousy, stress and tension. Breaking these rules also sabotages your sense of trust with your ex and that opens the door to mind games, retaliations and discord for everyone in the family. Remember: when that happens, your children are the ones who pay the price!

Be the hero in your relationship with your children’s other parent. Cooperate. Collaborate. Be flexible and do favors. You are much more likely to get them back in return.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! To get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, and learn about her coaching services, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

All rights reserved. (C) Rosalind Sedacca

The post 8 Must-Do Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC 

Co-parenting during and after divorce is always challenging. But more and more couples are realizing divorce doesn’t have to be a toxic disaster for parents or children. Co-parents have options and choices worth exploring. You can create a peaceful, amicable Child-Centered Divorce and your children will thank you.

Keys to a peaceful divorce

Here are some vitally important tips for achieving the positive outcome you desire …

1. Acknowledge, and then forgive, yourself for the role you played in the disappointment and dissolution of your marriage. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead identify the lessons you’ve learned and determine not to repeat former mistakes.

2. Let go of the past and pick your battles moving forward. Life is too short to get stuck in old grievances. Forgiving your ex means cutting the cord to the pain. It’s the gift you give yourself so you can create a brighter future.

3. Release unrealistic expectations about co-parenting together. Don’t expect your ex to change from who they’ve been. But do focus on the one thing that keeps you connected and hopefully always will: your love for your children.

4. Don’t let attorneys, family, friends or others coerce you into needless conflict. Your divorce is uniquely yours. Every decision you make will move you toward a more or less harmonious outcome for years to come. Hostility creates emotional turmoil for your children. So, steer yourself toward cooperation, flexibility and an amicable co-parenting relationship.

5. Allow your children to continue to love their other parent. Allow their other parent to continue to love them. These are the two biggest gifts you can give to your children of any age.

6. Love your kids more than you may dislike your ex and keep that in mind when making every decision. It will guide you on the right track.

7. Remember no one knows or cares about your children more than you and your former spouse. Keep the court and strangers from making decisions about your family’s future. Avoid the expense and gamble of litigation and find ways to mediate or settle focused on the true wellbeing of your children.

8. Allow your kids to receive love from new partners, your ex’s new spouse and blended family relationships. Children thrive on love and don’t care who it comes from as long as it’s sincere.

9. Master healthy communication skills to minimize co-parenting conflict and tension. Ask yourself this important question. Would I still be making this same decision if we were still married? Discuss parenting issues as two parents of the children you love.

Make meaningful choices! 

Need help and support achieving any of the above? Reach out to me for personal coaching. Or chose one of my co-parenting e-courses or ebooks. They’re designed to keep you on track, minimize stress and give your children the childhood they truly deserve, despite the divorce.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is also the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! and co-host of Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. To pick up her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting and other valuable resources, visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

The post 9 Secrets of a Child-Centered Divorce & Successful Co-Parenting Ahead! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The 15^th Anniversary of International Child-Centered Divorce Month is being recognized by divorce experts around the world. They will be providing free ebooks, coaching services, videos, Tip Sheets and other gifts to divorced parents throughout January. ICCD Month is dedicated to alerting parents about the effects of divorce on children – and how to prevent emotional and psychological damage to children during and after a divorce.

Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches and other professionals on four continents will be participating. Their purpose is to promote peaceful divorce, cooperative co-parenting, and educating parents about how to prevent negative consequences for children affected by separation or divorce.

More divorces are initiated in January, following the holiday season, than in any other month. That’s why as a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, I chose January to commemorate ICCD Month. I want alert parents about the harm to their children when divorce isn’t handled effectively.

Avoiding damaging mistakes that harm your children

Repeated studies show that it isn’t divorce itself that damages children. It’s the mistakes that unaware parents make before, during and after divorce that does the harm. 

For this reason, I am thrilled that divorce professionals world-wide will be joining us again this year. Our purpose is education and mistake prevention. We encourage mediation instead of damaging litigation. We support respectful co-parenting, effective communication skills, and guide parents away from common mistakes that negatively impact children and teens.

We can never overemphasize how parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar children – for years – and often for a lifetime. Our resounding message to divorcing parents is simple. Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children’s needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation! Often that means letting go of anger and resentment in favor of co-operative co-parenting. That way your children aren’t robbed of their childhood.

Our goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret. And especially when it comes to their children’s emotional well-being. The world’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities are reaching out with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.

Amicable divorce alternatives are easily available

Too many divorcing parents don’t realize they have many reasonable choices for parenting after divorce. They don’t have to walk the path we too often see in the headlines. Cooperative co-parenting and harmonious divorces are not only possible. They’re preferable if you want to minimize the negative effects of divorce on everyone in the family.

The Child-Centered Divorce Network has created a special website where parents can access all the valuable gifts. Just enter your email address and then simply click gift download links. The website will be available throughout January at https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

For more information about International Child-Centered Divorce Month plus access to all the free gifts offered in January visit: https://www.divorcedparentsupport.com

To learn more about Child-Centered Divorce, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com

Sincere best wishes for a happy and harmonious New Year to all!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right!, her Coaching Services, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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(C) Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.

The post In January, International Child-Centered Divorce Month, Parents Coping with Divorce Get Free Gifts from Experts! appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the U.S. and other nations? Reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys around the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are postponing the divorce decision due to financial reasons.

In the U.S., with the cost of food, fuel and housing at near-record highs, many couples are just not divorcing. They are afraid they can’t afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider working on their marriages? In some cases, yes. But for many it just means adapting to continued unhappiness, disappointment and frustration.

Children pay the price

This, of course, does not bear well for their children. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage. A tough call whether the couple splits or stays together because of economic factors.

Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break. However, they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically house-mates sharing a home and living expenses.

Parenting is an added responsibility that can’t be ignored

The problem is that they are also parents. And their children may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Both parents are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, divorce coaches, school guidance counselors and clergy. These and other professionals understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress. 

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, during real tough times, such as the Great Depression, divorce rates declined. That’s because people can’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

Remembering what really matters for children

There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis. Or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be damaging for the children. Too often those marriages fail to focus on what really counts. The emotional safety and security factors that children need to thrive, feel self-confident and express themselves.

Questions to ask and answer as a couple 

Parents — whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead. They’re important whether you remain in – or out – of the marriage:

• Are we taking the time, despite economic stress, to give our children the loving attention they deserve?

• Are we providing a secure and caring environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate homes?

• Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want for our children despite our own challenges as adults?

• Are we creating welcome rituals with one or both parents so our children feel we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?

• Are we needing outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure and loved in their home environment(s)?

• Are we being honest with our children without confiding adult details that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?

• Are we not arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?

• Are we reminding our children how much we love them and always will  regardless of changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience. That’s true whether the family is living in one home or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second.

Make all your decisions with that in mind and your children will thank you.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right as well as her coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

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© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.

The post Divorcing In Today’s Economy Mandates Responsible Parenting Decisions appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

Cooperative coparenting supports children

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Anyone going through divorce knows it inevitably stirs up charged emotions — some anticipated and others unexpected. And when children are involved, the process is exponentially more complex and challenging. One of the biggest battlegrounds revolve around child custody and child support.

Fortunately, there are ways to get through it together. Marriages that end amicably are the healthiest for both the parents and the children. That’s why we encourage focusing on creating a Child-Centered Divorce.

Dealing with highly charged emotions

Betrayal, guilt, anger and shame can rear their ugly heads in a divorce, These feelings come with much pain and should never be ignored or taken lightly.

However, your children are always innocent. Even if you’re fighting about the children, it’s never their fault. They should never bear the weight of problems that you and your spouse created or experienced. It’s never in a child’s best interest when you encourage a malicious relationship with their other parent. Or if you speak poorly of them in the presence of your kids. Or if you constantly battle with your ex 

As a parent, your role is not to win a popularity contest with your kids. But it is your responsibility to role model positive behavior and work towards a healthy relationship with both parents. You do this because children do best when both parents are able to love and support them.

Easing the process in and out of court

Courts always consider the relationships the parents have, not only with the child, but with each other. Agreement on parenting styles and the ability to communicate willingly with one another will ease the process. Parental cooperation paves the way for greater flexibility. Consequently, the presiding judge may be more inclined to allow parents more freedom. That can help when deciding voluntary payment of child custody as well as visitation rights.

Maintaining civility after your divorce will elevate the emotional level of the entire family. It will also prevent future lawsuits, modifications, unnecessary time in court and costly court/attorney fees. Encourage trust and respect in your relationship with your former spouse. It will prevent confusion and chaos when life challenges occur. Accidents, sickness, job difficulties may create co-parenting complexities. One parent may need extra time with a child or time away from the child. Another may need extra money when financial burdens arise. Sometimes scheduling changes are necessary to meet unexpected work demands. How you handle this drama will affect every facet of your ongoing coparenting relationship.

It can take enormous skill to bite your tongue or sidestep revisiting lost battles. However, it’s worth it in the long run. Avoid the blame game. It may require extraordinary effort, but it too will be beneficial, especially for the kids. Yes, stand up for your rights and what you are entitled to. But also do your best to make the process as amicable as possible. Your children will thank you when they are grown adults.

3 divorce resources that support a better divorce outcome:

CHILD-CENTERED DIVORCE NETWORK: Divorce and coparenting coaching services. Ebooks and e-courses on coparenting success strategies, anger management program, relevant articles and blog posts. https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

AMICABLE DIVORCE NETWORK: A network of experienced divorce professionals committed to guiding you through a low conflict and efficient divorce process. https://www.amicabledivorcenetwork.com

SPLIT-SMART: A clear, step-by-step process that helps couples organize financials, parenting plans and child-support in the best interest of the whole family. https://www.splitsmart.com

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About The Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love! To learn more about her coaching services, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, plus her FREE ebook on co-parenting success strategies, visit: https://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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One of the toughest transitions for children of divorce is coping with the first holiday season. As parents our challenge is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions for helping you and your children keep in the best spirits throughout the holiday season.

• Be Attentive and Compassionate

Talk to your children about how the holidays will be the same and different this year. Listen, and don’t lecture. Let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations.  Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and show empathic understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in as a means to protect you. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience over the holidays.

Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations. Help them understand that much of life will still continue in the same way, despite divorce.

• Be Responsible Regarding Your Ex

Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt much easier to the divorce.  So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts.  If you can’t, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious.  Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent’s home. Model your best, most respectful and mature behavior with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.

• Be Creative in Starting New Memories

This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent’s home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.

Be sure to acknowledge your children’s feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special. In that way, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.

• Be Mindful About Your Own Life As a Divorced Parent

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents are the alone-times when your children are visiting their other parent. Parents alone during the winter holidays need to get creative and absorbed in activities that are fulfilling for them.

A big challenge divorced parents face is feeling overwhelmed with grief or self-pity. Dwelling on what used to be, and on holiday memories of the past can be depressing. It takes us into a downward spiral that leads to more pain and sadness. Expressing these feelings can also make your children feel guilty about not being with you. That detracts from their own enjoyment of the holidays. And most times, it’s really out of the children’s control.

So be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you – and the holidays – without guilt, shame or sadness. You’ll also find you have a life of your own to live and much to offer, even when the children are not around!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is also author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting issues, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

The post How You & Your Kids Can Survive the Holidays After Your Divorce appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for parents is the alone-time when your children are visiting their other parent. While short-term periods away from the kids can be a welcome respite for an over-scheduled single parent, that’s not always the case. For many parents the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. This is especially so during the holiday season which can become a particularly challenging time. It’s even more difficult when friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

Time to be focused on YOU!

It’s really important for parents who are alone during the winter holidays to get creative. Absorb yourself in activities you find personally fulfilling. This time of year can also be an opportunity to reflect on meeting your own needs. It helps to reach out to friends. Also participate in activities that bring joy to your life on a personal rather than a parental level.

Avoid guilting your innocent children!

Among the greatest challenges divorced parents face is avoiding depression and self-pity. When overwhelmed by a sense of isolation, or feeling undervalued, parents often make poor decisions. One of the most common is sending messages that we later regret when communicating with our children. Sometimes we bury our hurt in comments designed to make our children feel guilty about not being with you. This, despite most often those decisions are not really within their control.

Telling your kids you miss them is a natural response. Saying I wish you were home with me and not with your other parent is a different message. It burdens your child unnecessarily with the need to protect a parent who’s fragile and hurting.

Turning toward your support group of friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions.

Staying connected while respecting boundaries!

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you. And without overstepping boundaries.

• Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you’ve explored, people you’ve visited, movies you saw and other activities you’ve participated in.

• Bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit. This might include photos and videos, paper restaurant menus, sport ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.

• Send an email or text message “of the day” to the kids with a theme: such as the Staying Warm Tip of the Day, Favorite Cookie of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Video Game of the Day – just to keep in touch.

• Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community. Or volunteer at an animal shelter so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children and families.

• Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day. Then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way.

• Plan a live Face-time or video call with the kids. That way you can see the decorations and gifts where they are and interact with them real-time!

Develop a collaborative mindset with your co-parent!

Of course, developing a cooperative relationship with your former spouse is essential for the success of these strategies. But it’s worth the effort. Collaborative co-parenting is a plus for both parents over the years ahead – and a positive role model for your children. So reach out for the support you need to negotiate the respectful co-parenting relationship you desire. That’s a big step toward helping your children thrive after divorce.

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children. It’s the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get Rosalind’s free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right as well as her coaching services and other valuable resources about divorce and parenting issues, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

All rights reserved. © Rosalind Sedacca

The post Divorced Parents Holiday Coping Tips When Apart From Your Kids appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Let’s face it, we all make mistakes we regret. It’s part of the learning process. This is especially true for parents. But when we make mistakes as DIVORCED PARENTS, the impact can be even more lasting – and dramatic!

So, here’s the bottom line: It’s far better to set the course straight today than to reap the consequences years from now when your adult children ask: Mom/Dad, what were you thinking? 

Of course, coping with the challenges of parenting after divorce or separation can be very frustrating and difficult. It takes enormous awareness and compassion.

With that in mind, here are the most emotionally damaging mistakes that negatively impact children of divorce. Don’t be guilty of making these mistakes:

1. Fighting around your children. 

Even if it’s on the phone or in another room, if they can hear you, it’s a source of pain, confusion and deep insecurity. Studies repeatedly show, arguing and high parental conflict does more damage than you can imagine. It changes a child’s brain. It can damage them emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically. And the consequences can last a lifetime! 

A good question to ask yourself is: How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted on our children as a result of our divorce?

2. Asking your children to choose sides.

Bearing the weight of making decisions or choosing sides fills your kids with guilt, hurt, anxiety and confusion. Whatever they choose, it’s a lose – lose decision. It’s wiser to tell children about decisions you’ve made so the responsibility stays with you. Let them be angry with you rather than blaming themselves and feeling guilty for hurting their other parent. Your kids are always innocent. As parents, make responsible decisions for them so they don’t feel the burden. Ask divorce professionals for help. Things at home may not have been great over the past few months. Now’s the time to remedy that situation for your kids!

A good question to ask yourself is: How can we make life better for our kids after the divorce than it was before?

3. Ignoring their deepest fears.

Insecurity is one of the greatest consequences of divorce for kids. Forgetting to emphasize that both parents will always be their parents is a huge mistake. Remind them that both parents will always love them — even after the divorce! Remind them that neither of their parents will ever divorce them! Fear of losing Mom or Dad is an enormous emotional burden. It creates anxiety, deep insecurity, shame, guilt, inner turmoil and fear about the future.

A good question to ask yourself is: What can I do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and wellbeing during the transition ahead?

4. Confiding adult information to children. 

Often parents try to attract their child’s allegiance, sympathy or emotional support. So they feel justified in telling their children the divorce wouldn’t be happening if mom didn’t have an affair, dad wasn’t an alcoholic, etc. Coping with adult information can be quite disturbing for kids and robs them of their childhood. They become little adults. And they can’t ever forget what you tell them. Remember, children can’t fix your relationship issues. But they can be deeply wounded by your comments or confessions. Children are not therapists. Confide instead in your adult friends, a divorce coach, mental health counselor or clergy.

A good question to ask yourself is: How can we show our love and compassion for our kids as they move through challenges they did not ask for – or create?

5. Badmouthing your ex. 

Disparaging, putting down or in any way disrespecting your child’s other parent — regardless how justified or tempting, is a bad move. It creates guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. They love their other parent and feel ashamed for having that love. They question themselves. Are they wrong, are you wrong, will you divorce them in the future? That’s needless emotional abuse.

A good question to ask yourself is: Do I love my kids more than I hate my Ex? 

6. Letting your kids feel the blame.

Kids put adults on a pedestal as perfect beings. So, if you fail to tell your children that none of this is in any way their fault, they are likely to blame themselves. “I must be a bad child. Maybe my parents wouldn’t be getting a divorce ii I didn’t fight with my brother, get poor grades, cleaned my room, etc.“ It’s important to frequently remind them your divorce is an adult problem. “You did nothing wrong!” You are innocent.

A good question to ask yourself is: Am I burdening my children with responsibilities only an adult should have to bear?

7. Engaging in Parental Alienation. 

Keeping your children from having an ongoing loving relationship with their other parent (for your own selfish reasons!) damages kids. It’s the worst example of divorce done wrong. Often, they’ll resent you for this when they are grown! It’s also extremely hurtful for their other parent who also loves them. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Put yourself in your former spouse’s shoes. What are you role modeling for them?

A good question to ask yourself is: What will the kids say to me when they’re grown adults about how I dealt with and treated their other parent?

8. Turning your children into messengers or spies. 

Don’t ask you kids to act as messengers between parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Let them enjoy their childhood without adult responsibilities on their shoulders! What if they get the message wrong? Forget a detail? Will you be angry with them? Is it their responsibility to be a messenger? Of course not. There are many online scheduling tools available that help you keep track of appointments, coparenting exchanges and dates, all communication, school and health information and lots more. Kids feel guilty when you probe them for information about their other parent. It’s a lose/lose proposition for any child who cares about them both.

A good question to ask yourself is: Do I want to rob my children of their childhood because of my divorce?

9. Intentionally lying to your children. 

Lying with the goal of manipulating your child’s attention or sympathy is selfish and hurtful. They’ll resent you for it when they’re adults! All children grow up. When they do, they’ll hold you accountable for what you told them and question your integrity – and your parenting skills. Sure, you can get away with lots of mistruths when you kids are younger. But at what cost?

A good question to ask yourself is: Will my children respect me when they’re adults for the way I handled the divorce?

10. Making resentful payback decisions. 

Making decisions aimed at hurting your ex also hurts your kids. They pay the emotional price. This includes moving a great distance away, not inviting your ex to important special occasions, punishing them for financial problems by limiting visitation, etc. Your innocent children are always scarred by these hurtful decisions as well. And the wounds can last a lifetime.

A good question to ask yourself is: Would I be making this same parenting decision if we were still married?

All these toxic choices are bound to backfire on you. If not immediately, then down the line as your children grow and understand more about their family dynamics. You and your children can survive — and even thrive after divorce. Avoid these serious mistakes and think before you leap. To give your children the best opportunity to heal from your divorce, be caring and compassionate. Be the role model your children need to grow up with security and a positive sense of self-worth.

A good question to ask yourself when making all decisions about your children is: What will my kids say to me about how I handled the divorce when they are adults? 

Will they reject you, respect you, hate you? Why wait to find out? Think about the answers now and behave as mindfully and consciously as possible.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, author and creator of numerous ebooks and programs on divorce and co-parenting issues. To learn more about Rosalind’s many valuable resources as well as her free ebook – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies For Getting It Right! visit https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

All rights reserved. Rosalind Sedacca

The post Divorced Parents’ Biggest Mistakes To Avoid appeared first on Child-Centered Divorce.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce is tough on families. Everyone is affected, especially the children. In most cases, the older the children, the more complex the reaction and more difficult the adaptation. There are many reasons why.

Older children have a longer history in the former family unit, regardless of how healthy or toxic it has been. Perhaps they remember better times spent with one or both parents. Even if there were no good memories to look back upon, older children were accustomed to the existing family dynamic. They knew their place in the structure, and felt a sense of comfort in “what is.”

Resisting change is a natural part of being human. For teenagers that resistance is compounded by a tendency to test boundaries and rock the status quo. Divorce or separation naturally makes all children feel powerless over their circumstances. For teens, who are more likely to act out and less likely to listen to parental authority, this is especially hard to accept.

Why teens struggle with their parents’ divorce

Teens are also more judgmental and opinionated than younger children. Consequently, they are less likely to blame themselves for the divorce. Sadly, younger kids frequently do. Teens are also more apt to take sides and blame one of their parents. Many therapists note that teens side with the parent who is more permissive. By taking advantage of the weakened parental structure, they try to get away with more rebellious behaviors. Some teens choose to side with the more powerful parent – often Dad. That way they bolster their sense of security, even if they were emotionally closer to Mom.

Anger is a common reaction from older children. If they are not given the opportunity to vent, express their feelings and be heard, this anger easily grows. Frequently it manifests as physical rebellion, drug or alcohol abuse or other inappropriate behaviors. To complicate matters, communication is often more difficult with teens who are acting out. They are usually less talkative, more likely to keep their feelings held in and much moodier than their younger siblings.

How parents can help and support their teens

With this in mind, how can parents bridge this communication and credibility gap with their older children? Here are some helpful suggestions:

1.  Make your family a democracy. That means opening the door to listening to and “hearing” your older children. This is especially important when you don’t like what they are saying. Kids need to know they can express themselves without being disciplined or made wrong. At the same time, therapists warn against being too permissive. That inevitably leads to exploitation from teens who are always testing their boundaries.

2.  Initiate a candid conversation. Whenever possible, both Mom and Dad should talk to the teen together. Discuss issues as honestly as is appropriate. All children are natural manipulators. Don’t let separation or divorce give them the opportunity to divide and conquer. Being on the same page regarding family rules and values is your best insurance for keeping older children as allies. Co-parenting effectively after the divorce is your optimum goal. When that is not possible, focus on keeping both parents in their parental roles. That will help to boost stability within a transforming family dynamic.

3.  Give your teens the security they crave. Children need and actually appreciate structure especially at challenging times, even teens. Try to maintain boundaries as close to the pre-divorce reality as possible. Both parents should strive to share basic guidelines and agreements within the family, regardless of which house the children are in. That helps children feel safer and more secure. Your kids will also feel more cared about and loved post-divorce.  That’s especially important as the family moves into unknown changes and transitions.

Remember, children of all ages mirror what they see. If your children are acting out, look within the family system for the cause. Get the help you need in making internal changes from a Coach or Therapist. Your kids are more likely to adapt to changes when they see you role model healthy behavior. At the same time, be patient, tolerant and understanding with yourself and everyone else within your family. With attentive, empathic parenting, this too shall pass!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book