When our kids were in elementary school it was obvious what we had to do to get them ready for the new school year.  Registration.  Check.  Meet the teacher night.  Check.  School supply shopping.  Check.  Pictures on the first day.  Check.  You know the drill!  If you’re like me, by the time your kids reached middle school you had the whole routine down to a science. 

Then they hit junior high.  And high school.  And things changed.  Those same kids that needed us to help them get back to school when they were little overnight became, dare I say, INDEPENDENT.

It’s at this point that parents like us have a decision to make.  How are we going to approach our teen’s new found independence?  In my experience, parents typically choose one of three paths to follow as our teens mature to young adults. 

With the first we allow our kids all the independence they want.  Letting them make their own decisions and essentially letting them spread their wings and fly.  While we continue to support them financially and offer guidance when asked, we begin treating them much more like adults.

Parents along the second path stay heavily involved in all aspects of their teen’s life and try to manage all of their decisions despite their teen’s likely resistance. 

And the third?  It’s the path in the middle.  Somewhere between allowing your teen full independence and you keeping total control.  With this path, you slowly give up your control as your teen moves towards their eventual independence.

Personally and professionally, I like the path in the middle.  Teenagers are still children who need nurturing and guidance from their parents.  But they are also at a time in their development where they need to express their individuality and learn to make decisions on their own.As they return to school, try some of these tips to foster your teen’s independence and continue a healthy level of parental involvement:

• Registration.  Most high schools have a day in the summer to pick up schedules, get parking permits, and receive locker assignments.  Ask your teen if they want to go with friends or if they want you to accompany them.  If they want to go without you, let them!  Of course make sure they have any money or information they need to take with them and then ask questions about what they did when they get home.  But allow them the chance to participate independently if that’s what they prefer.

• Meet the teacher night.  Events like these still happen in high school and are just as important for parents to attend as they were when our kids were in elementary school.  My kids know that my presence at meet the teacher night is non-negotiable.  In junior high and high school these events are designed specifically for parents to learn about what’s going on with their teen’s education.  It serves as a springboard for parent-teen conversations about classes and activities throughout the school year. 

• School supplies.  This is a perfect time to let your teen experience shopping from a list with a budget.   Have them make a list of what they need, give them a certain amount of money to make their purchases, and send them on their way.  When they get back talk with them about the process, including what they liked and didn’t like.  Now for big purchases, like graphing calculators, I’d recommend getting a little more involved.  Do some research with your teen and find a calculator that meets their needs for school and for college entrance exams.  Then teach them about price comparison shopping, as you can find items like these for a wide variety of prices in stores, online, or even secondhand.    

What tips do you have for helping your teen get back to school more independently while still staying involved?  I’d love to hear from you!  Oh, and just in case you’re curious, those first day of school pictures…also non-negotiable with this mom. 

When our kids get older, it becomes harder and harder to connect with them.  But as parents, it’s especially important for us to continue to put in the extra effort it takes to cultivate relationships with our tweens and teens.  Check out my top ten ideas for engaging your teen in activities you’ll both enjoy:

Learn a new skill as a team.  Decide together what you’d like to learn and go for it.  Cooking, photography, music, and art classes are regular offerings in most communities.  Or learn how to kayak, play golf, or tennis.  Really feeling adventurous?  Learn a foreign language together!   

Play a game.  Sure traditional board games are great, but teens are hooked on their electronics and there are lots of fun games that you can enjoy with them.  For instance, play a game of ‘Words With Friends’ on your smart phones.  Start a two player game on a tablet.  Even see what those video games of theirs are all about.  I promise, it will be fun!   

Complete a project.  If you’re like me, then you probably have a lot of projects around your house that need completing!  Whether you wash the cars, paint a room, or work in the yard together, there’s a lot of satisfaction (and bonding) that comes from finishing a project together.  Or pick a DIY Pinterest inspired activity or craft and work with your teen to get it completed.

Share your hobbies.  Think about the things you like to do.  Now share those interests with your kids.  It could be taking them to your painting class, letting them make a scrapbook with you, or bringing them along to set up your fantasy football team. 

Learn about their hobbies too.  Have them play some of their favorite music for you and tell you about why they like it.  Watch a movie they love together.  Then let them tell you about their other interests and see where you can find common ground. 

Have them teach you.  Are you lost when it comes to social media?  When someone asks you to upload or download something do you even know what they are talking about?  Well, guess what?  You teen knows all these things.  Have them give you some tutorials.  You’ll know more and be impressed with how technologically savvy they are!

Plan a trip.  Get your teens help planning your next family vacation or a day trip for just the two of you.  They can get involved with finding a hotel room, getting directions, scheduling activities, and learning about the place you’ll be visiting. 

Schedule a date.  Get their opinion on what they’d like to do and schedule some time together to make it happen.  And don’t worry, your date doesn’t have to cost a lot!  Get creative and look at what’s being offered in your community that you can both enjoy.  Or take your hammocks to the park and just relax.  

Get moving.  A great way to connect with your teen is to exercise together.  You can go for a walk, run, or bike ride or work out together at the gym.  Participating in an organized race will also be an experience you will both enjoy, such as a 5K, color (see picture!) run, or mud run. 

Volunteer.  Last but not least, volunteer your time together.  From mission trips to a morning at the local food pantry, there are ample opportunities for you and your teen to help others.  Look at the options in your community and decide together where you’d like to help.

What do you and your teen like to do together?   For more tips on this topic, check out my post Quality Time With Teens.

When my kids were younger, it seemed like they always wanted my attention.  We could do just about anything together, and they would call it their ‘best day ever.’  Remember those days?  Me too! 

But now that they’re teenagers, it’s me who has to make the effort to spend time with them.  In the blink of an eye it’s gone from them begging for my attention to me begging for theirs. 

If you’re like me and want to stay active and engaged in your teen’s life, don’t despair.  Try these tips and you’ll see an improvement in your quality time before you know it: 

Step away from the screen.  Smart phones.  E-Readers.  Computers.  TVs.  Tablets.  You name it and in this day and age we’ve got a screen that will distract us.  No matter what your vice (mine is my iPhone), it’s important to put it away while you’re interacting with your teen.  If you’re trying to spend quality time with your child, then turn off your favorite tv show, walk away from Facebook, put down the Kindle, and leave your phone on silent.  

Now, this doesn’t mean that the two of you can’t share some screen time by watching television together or enjoying a game of Words With Friends on your smart phones.  What it means is that when you are sharing time with your child, don’t let your personal screen use get in the way.  I know your kids might be texting or tweeting while you hang out with them, but set a good example and show your teens that you prioritize time with them over time with a screen.

Use your social skills.  When we interact with other adults, we typically use good manners.  Right?  We look them in the eye when we’re having a conversation, we listen attentively, we smile, and we don’t interrupt.  Why then, do we think it’s okay to abandon our social skills when spending time with our teens?  For instance, when I’m doing housework and my child walks in the room and speaks to me sometimes I don’t even look up.  I just answer them and continue doing my chores.  It’s as if all I know about etiquette doesn’t apply to my interactions with my own kids.  And quite frankly that’s sad. 

Imagine if you didn’t look your boss in the eye during a conversation at work or smile at your friend who stopped by for a chat.  We’d never do that, so it’s important for us to show the same courtesy to our children and use good conversational manners with them too.  In addition to showing our teens that we care, using good social skills provides them with a valuable example of how to behave in their personal and professional interactions with others.

Be a willing learner.   Your teen knows a lot.  A whole lot.  Let them take on the role of teacher, and I promise the two of you will grow closer.  Think of something you want to know more about and have them show you how it’s done.  For example, have you always wanted to put some of your music onto your iPhone, but are completely lost on how to do it?  Want to make a digital scrapbook from your pictures of your last family vacation but can’t figure out how?  Need to make a Power Point for a meeting but don’t have a clue as to what that even is?  Well, guess what?  Even though you might not know what to do, your teen knows how to do all these things. 

Have your child give you some tutorials and remember, you’re the student and they are the teacher.  Listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and follow their advice.  Then be grateful for their help, just like you would be thankful to a colleague, friend, or professor.  I’ve learned through the years that this is a guaranteed way to spend time with your teen, improve their self-confidence, and learn a new skill all at the same time.  Everyone wins.

With these three tips you’ll be on your way to improved interactions with your teen in no time.  Have some ideas that you’d like to share?  Feel free to comment below or share your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.  When it comes to spending quality time with our teens, we all need all the help we can get!  For more tips, check out my post Bonding Activities With Your Teens.

]]> http://childpsychmom.com/quality-time-with-teens/feed/ 1 http://childpsychmom.com/talkingwithkidsabouttragedy/ http://childpsychmom.com/talkingwithkidsabouttragedy/#respond Tue, 16 Apr 2013 16:49:09 +0000 http://childpsychmom.com/?p=3036

These days it seems like every time we turn around there is another tragedy.  Something that seems senseless.  Something that we, even as adults, have a hard time comprehending or understanding ourselves. 

When these events occur, it’s important to take some time to talk to our children about what’s happening.  Why?  Because they are going to hear about it.  And your best explanation of a difficult situation is better than no explanation at all.  Here are five tips to help get your conversation started:

Consider their developmental level.  Young children don’t necessarily need to know about every tragedy.  They are happy and carefree and we can and should keep them that way as long as possible.  Preschoolers up to kindergarteners (and even first graders) can be shielded from hearing about most situations.  But school aged children are VERY likely to hear about tragedies from their peers, teachers, or the media so as a parent it’s important to talk to your kids yourself.  When you do talk to your children, talk to them using vocabulary that they understand and using examples that are appropriate to their developmental level.

Be honest.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  I also want my children to know that I will not lie to them, even when the topic is scary.  Stay calm when you’re talking with your kids and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened that I wanted to talk with you about.  There was an explosion in Boston while people were running in a race, the Boston Marathon.  A bomb caused the explosion.  Some people were injured and sadly some people died.  There were also a lot of people there who were not hurt and who helped those who did get injured.  I don’t know why this happened or who put the bomb there but the police are investigating it and over time we will know more.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers,but it’s always important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things.” 

Reassure them.  Kids need reassurance when hearing about difficult subjects.  They have questions.  Is everyone we know safe?  Is anything going to change for me because of this?  Can this happen to me?  Reassure them the best that you can using truthful answers that fit your child and your personal situation.  Children are resilient and much more likely to process the event and move forward if they are reassured. 

Limit television viewing.  One of the best things you can do for your child (and yourself) is to limit television news related to the tragedy.  Television news can be pretty scary and graphic, and you have no control over what’s being shown to your children.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  There are always helpers on the front lines, but kids want to do something to help too.  Ask your kids what they would like to do and guide them based on their age and developmental level.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation, or sending a letter or picture.  Sadly we can’t change what has happened.  But we can and should help however we are able.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Fred Rogers

With the incidence of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) recently changing from 1 in 88 to 1 in 50 children, it’s likely that all of us know someone impacted by this disorder.  Given that likelihood, what can we do to support children with Autism and their families? I guarantee that if you walk in their shoes for just a little while you’ll have a much greater understanding and appreciation of both the joys and the struggles of Autism.  Here’s how:

First, educate yourself about Autism.  According to the Autism Speaks website, Autism is “characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.”  Boys are four to five times more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than girls.  Despite difficulties with social interactions and communication, many individuals with Autism “excel in visual skills, music, math and art.”  Websites like AutismSpeaks.org and Autism-Society.org both offer reliable and up to date information about Autism.  Also, NBC’s hit show, Parenthood, features a boy named Max who is diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder.  This show offers a realistic portrayal of Autism Spectrum Disorders and their day to day impact on families.

Next, take what you’ve learned about Autism and share it with your kids.  There are several great books geared for kids that can help get the conversation started and keep it going.  Two of my favorites are The Autism Acceptance Book and My Friend Has Autism.  All kids need friends, and children with Autism are no exception.  Boys and girls with Autism are especially susceptible to being bullied, so it’s important to teach our kids from an early age how to be a friend to their peers with Autism Spectrum Disorders.   

If your child has a classmate or peer with Autism, arrange a play date or invite the family over.  Find out if there is anything you or your kids can do to make the outing or event as successful as possible.  Children with Autism are more than their diagnosis.  Get to know them, their likes and dislikes, their hobbies and interests, and you’ll be certain to find more things in common than you ever realized. From one parent to another, I encourage you not to let the diagnosis of Autism keep you from reaching out to a child or a family.

And last but not least, get involved!  April is Autism Awareness Month.  In your community there are lots of ways to show your support for children and families living with Autism.  For example, on April 2 you can promote Autism Awareness by wearing blue or displaying a blue light bulb by your front door for Light It Up Blue day hosted by Autism Speaks.  Or, you and your family can participate in one of the many walks supporting Autism happening in April all over the country.  Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure you’ll find that like me, you’ll be the one blessed beyond measure.

Click here for the free e-book Sticks and Stones: Helping Your Child With Autism Spectrum Disorders Cope With Bullying.

Be a stalker.  Not too long ago, my teenage daughter asked her dad if he was stalking her on Instagram.  Truth be told, he probably was.  But in this day and age, that’s not stalking, that’s called parenting!  In our house, if our kids have a social media account, then both parents are going to follow and friend them.  And it’s not so we can interact with them there.  We can (and should) be doing that at home.  Instead, it’s to help monitor their safety and teach them proper online social skills.  To avoid any misunderstandings, let them know your purpose up front.

Don’t comment on their wall, status updates, or pictures unless they ask you to.  Just because you’re their friend or follower, don’t think that you need to comment on everything (or anything) that they do!  Instead, be a quiet passive observer.  I’ll admit this is sounding pretty stalker-ish, but the goal is to be aware of what your kids are doing on social media sites without smothering them or drawing attention to your presence.  If they ask you to be more involved, by all means go ahead.  But otherwise just try to blend in with all of their other followers.

Don’t post embarrassing pictures of them on your social media account or tag them in your pictures without their approval.   Ever been tagged in a not so flattering picture on Facebook?  Posed for a few re-takes to get a shot Facebook worthy?  If so, then you’ll understand why your teenagers don’t want you tagging them in your pictures.  Be courteous to your children and let them approve their pictures before you post them.  Save those naked baby bath pictures for their actual baby book (which hopefully resides on your bookshelf, not on the world wide web).

Act your age.  If you’re going to be monitoring your teen’s online presence, take a good look at your own.  Are you tagged in inappropriate pictures?  Is your language G-rated?  Does your online activity reflect your actual character?  Would your online posts be suitable to show your boss, your grandmother, or your child?  Take some time and review your own accounts.  Delete any pictures or posts that seem questionable and think twice about what you share online in the future.

Talk often about social media etiquette.  Have frequent and open conversations with your kids about how to behave online.  For example, in the real world you wouldn’t want  them to use bad language or participate in bullying.  The same rules apply online.  Keep the conversations real, reminding them (with examples) that how they behave online can stay with them for the rest of their lives.  That’s especially true as they head off to college and eventually the job market.

Do you have any tips for staying connected with your teens online?  I’d love to hear from you!

But if I was the parent of any of these precious children, I can promise you that knowing the cause wouldn’t help.  My child would be gone forever and no answer would change that devastating fact.  No more kisses and hugs.  No tucking them in at night.  No growing up.  Nothing.  Gone.

The parent side of me knows that.  The child psychologist in me knows another story.  I speak from the trenches, not as the parent trying to access services, but as the child psychologist helping parents navigate the system day in and day out.  I firmly believe that our mental health system is not the reason this massacre occurred.  Adam Lanza is.  But he clearly suffered from serious mental health problems.  And this tragedy should serve as a wake up call to change our mental health care system now.  By doing so we could very likely prevent this devastation from occurring again in yet another classroom, movie theater, or shopping mall.

Currently in my community I can count on one hand the number of child psychologists and psychiatrists available to assist children.  That means that if you are concerned about your child and want to access outpatient services then you will have to wait.  For a long time.  I’m talking months.  There are waiting lists in my state that are a year long.  Can you imagine being told that you may have cancer but you won’t be able to be seen by a doctor to discuss your diagnosis and treatment options for six months?  That’s what it feels like to parents who have children with serious mental health issues waiting to be seen.  Unimaginable.  There simply aren’t enough child psychologists and psychiatrists to go around.

If you are fortunate enough to get an appointment after your agonizing wait, you then have to either be wealthy enough to pay for it out of your pocket or lucky enough to have health insurance that covers outpatient mental health services adequately.  Good luck with that.  In my experience, the inability to pay eliminates the opportunity for quality mental health care for the majority of children.  If they can’t pay, parents are told to ask their pediatrician for advice because then it might be covered under their health insurance policy.  They are advised to get help instead from their school counselor because that would be free.  Those options might seem like good ones, but behind the scenes the pediatricians are equally outnumbered by the volume of mental health care patients, and typically one school counselor is responsible for the mental health needs of an entire school.

And what happens when your child still isn’t well after rounds and rounds of different medication trials and years and years of outpatient therapy?  Sadly there aren’t many options.  Private inpatient beds are hard to come by and often the length of treatment approved by insurance carriers is not sufficient to meet the needs of the patient.  Other alternatives include having your child put in a juvenile detention facility or state mental health hospital.  Neither are appealing options and so the child who desperately needs help and the parent searching frantically for it are often left to their own devices.

It’s a sad but familiar commentary.  It feels hopeless.  But I don’t believe that it is.  I think there is a way to change our system for the better.  To do something now that will allow children with mental health concerns to get the help they so desperately need.  I wrote about it in August after the massacre in Colorado.  The post Does My Child Need Therapy? came from my honest belief that the parents of these perpetrators know something isn’t right with their child from a young age, but either don’t know what to do or over time have exhausted the resources available to them.

I wrote Does My Child Need Therapy? as a guide for parents to know where to start to get the help they need for their children.  But I also wrote about an ideal system.  One where all children starting at a young age get to visit with a therapist for regular check-ups.  Here’s an excerpt:

In a lot of ways, I think all children (and parents) could benefit from some therapy.  Sort of like going to the dentist every six months for a cleaning or the pediatrician annually for a well visit.  Just to check in and see how everything is going.  Any problems?  Anything you’d like help working on?  If so, let’s set some goals and get to work.  If not, we’ll see you again next year but feel free to call us sooner if you have any problems come up.

If all parents had regular contact with a therapist from the time of their child’s birth, they would be able to get help with typical and atypical childhood behaviors throughout their parenting journey.  Studies show that by adulthood, 1 in 4 Americans have a mental health condition.  We must change our system to focus on the prevention of mental health problems right from birth, not wait until the problems are so severe that they cannot be treated.

A shift of this magnitude would require A LOT of work.  Increased funding for mental health services. Insurance reform to cover preventative mental health care.  Training of more professionals to provide these services.  Better integration with the medical community to provide quality long term care to those suffering from serious mental illnesses.  A shift in our collective thinking about the value of mental health.  Overcoming the stigma of mental illness.  At some point, accessing mental health services should be as simple and routine as getting your flu shot each fall.  We’re not there yet, but together we can be.

In loving memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting.

For more information on talking with your children about this tragedy, visit my first two articles in this series How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and Your Follow Up Questions Answered.

I wrote the post School Shootings: How To Talk With Your Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy shortly after I learned about the massacre at Sandy Hook.  I know a lot of you are out there having these difficult conversations this weekend with your kids.  I feel for you and am right there with you having the same gut wrenching talks at my house.  I’ve gotten a few follow up questions from my last post, and I wanted to share with you my answers to help you along your journey.

Should we let our young kids watch the news related to the shooting?

To be honest, I have purposefully avoided television news since the shooting occurred.  It’s not good for my mental health.  It’s just too overwhelming.  I stay up to date on the news via the internet and only from reputable news organizations.  So, my opinion would be don’t let your young kids watch television news about this tragedy.  It’s pretty scary and graphic and you have no control over what is being shown to them.  As you know, once they see something on television it can’t be unseen.  On the other hand, if there is a newspaper article or internet post you think would be suitable to share with your child then take some time to read it with them and then talk about it.  It’s not that kids shouldn’t know the news surrounding this event, it’s that they shouldn’t be consumed by it in the way that television news has a way of doing.

My child is in kindergarten (first grade, second grade, etc.).  Aren’t they too young to know about this?  I want to maintain their innocence as long as possible.

I agree completely!  I want to maintain the innocence of my children too!  But sadly, if they are school age (kindergarten or older) they are going to find out about this tragedy from someone and probably by Monday morning.  As a parent you’d much rather it be from you than from someone else.  The exceptions would be if your children are homeschooled, don’t participate in activities with other children, and you don’t have television or internet access in your home.  None of that applies at my house, so I’ve discussed this shooting with my second grader, seventh grader, and tenth grader.  My four year old is the only one who escaped having to learn about this because she is a) in preschool, b) on winter break until January, and c) not developmentally capable of understanding this in my opinion.  As the parent it is ALWAYS your choice whether or not you want to tell your children anything.  But my advice is that if they are old enough then you should tell them about it before they hear it from someone else.

Is it the right time to talk with them about safety plans or does that make it seem too scary?

Yes, this is exactly the right time.  So many teachers and students lives were saved yesterday because they followed their safety plans.  When talking with my kids, I asked them about the safety drills they had at their school and we agreed that this type of incident is why those plans have to be in place.  It was a simple and short part of our conversation, but it helped them see the value of practicing these safety drills and listening to the instructions of their teachers during emergencies.

Do you have any advice to share from talking to your kids about this tragedy?  Do you have any questions?  Feel free to share below. 

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: How To Talk With Kids About Unthinkable Tragedy and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Sadly it seems that these tragedies are happening at an alarming pace, from the victims of the Colorado movie theater massacre this summer to the precious lives lost this morning at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  How can I explain this to my children when I don’t have an explanation myself?  How do I protect them when this type of senseless violence occurs all around them?  I’ve been reflecting on that a lot this afternoon, and I still don’t have all the answers.  But here are five tips to get you started:

Love on your children.  Always kiss them goodnight.  Give them a hug when they go off to school.  Tell them you love them sincerely and often.  Be giving of your time and your affection.  Tragedies like these can serve as a wake up call to parents.  A reminder that our children are precious gifts that can be taken away from us in the blink of an eye.  Don’t worry about the past or what might happen in the future.  Focus on loving your children.  Right here.  Right now.  The rest will take care of itself.

Be honest. Talk with your school age children about this tragedy at a developmental level they can understand.  My thinking has always been that I would rather my children hear about something difficult from me first than on the playground from one of their friends.  If armed with accurate information from their parents, children are better able to process truth (and fiction) presented by their peers.  Stay calm when you’re talking with them and using your own words say something like: “A sad thing happened at an elementary school in Connecticut.  A man shot people at the school.  Some of the people died.  I don’t know why this happened, but I am very sad about it.  I wanted to tell you about it so that you would know what was going on and could ask me any questions that you have.  I may not have the answers, but I can try.  It’s important to me to be honest with you even about difficult things and for you to be honest with me.”

Review your home and school safety plans.  Ask your child if they have ever practiced a fire drill or other type of safety drill at school?  Talk with them about any drills they have done that may have involved them hiding, staying quiet, turning out lights, or locking the classroom door.  Many schools practice these drills in preparation for this type of attack.  Review with your child what they should do if someone was shooting a gun at their school, in public, or in your home.  If your child is not sure what the safety plan is for their school, then email your child’s teacher or principal to learn more.  Once you know the plan, review it with your child.  Let them know that this type of situation happens very rarely, but that it’s still important to know what to do just in case.  Remind them that if something happens at their school it is important to remain as calm as possible and follow their teacher’s instructions.

Educate yourself.  The City of Houston produced a video on workplace shooting this summer that advocates a RUN-HIDE-FIGHT plan.  Although it’s geared for adults, it has some valuable post-9/11 lessons that can be used for parents when thinking about this topic for kids.  The plan suggests that if possible you should first run for safety.  If you can’t, then you should hide from the shooter.  If that’s not an option then you should fight back against the shooter.  The A.L.i.C.E. plan offers similar advice: alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate.  Although these plans aren’t meant for children, as adults we all need to be educated on how to respond in the event we are faced with this type of situation.

Decide how you can help.  When kids learn about tragedy, they often want to do something to make it better.  It’s such a beautiful quality, one that as parents we want to nurture so that our kids will carry their sweet altruistic spirit into adulthood.  Ask your kids what they would like to do to try to help.  Some ideas include:  praying for the victims and their families, making a donation to a charity benefiting the victims, or sending a letter or drawing to Sandy Hook Elementary School where the shooting took place Sandy Hook Elementary School (12 Dickenson Dr. Sandy Hook, CT 06482).  Sadly we can’t change what has happened there.  But we mourn with the Sandy Hook Elementary School family and can and should help in whatever way we are able.

For more information visit my other posts in this series, School Shootings: Your Follow Up Questions Answered and School Shootings: The Sad Reality of Mental Health Care For Children.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

First things first.  What is Instagram?  It’s a free application that allows users take pictures and share them with other Instagram users.  Fun effects can be applied to the pictures that you share and users are encouraged to interact with other users by “liking” and commenting on photos.  The Instagram app is available on the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch, as well as Android camera phones.  Currently Instagram boasts over 100 million users, including a whole lot of kids.  That’s where you come in Mom and Dad.

Here are 3 things you need to know if your child is an Instagram user:

Age Requirements.  I have heard some parents say “My child isn’t old enough for Facebook, so they are on Instagram instead.”  Well, guess what?  You have to be 13 years old for both Facebook and Instagram.  Why?  Because just like Facebook, Instagram is a social media application designed for adults.  It is not policed or monitored, other than prohibiting the posting of nude, partially nude, or sexually suggestive photographs.

Privacy Settings.  If you’re an Instagram user, particularly if you’re a kid, there’s one feature that you need to activate.  The privacy setting.  The default is set to public sharing, which means that your pictures are public to all Instagram users.  To change the default to private, go to the “Options” menu and click “ON” for “Photos Are Private.”  This means that only your followers can see your pictures.  They are private to anyone else.  If there’s one thing  you take from this post, I hope it’s to know how to keep your photos (and those of your children) private!

Followers.  My kids know that if they are on a social media site then I’m going to be there with them.  I’ll be their “friend” on Facebook and “follow” them on Instagram.  It’s amazing the stuff you learn about your kids through their social media presence.  You’ll have to make your own account, but I promise it’s painless and will be worth it in the long run.  Another social media rule I recommend is that you only allow people to follow you that you actually know.  Strangers shouldn’t be following you or your children around town, so they certainly shouldn’t be following you online either!

Do you have any advice to offer on keeping your child safe on Instagram or social media in general?  Let us hear from you!  For more tips, check out my Top Ten Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe Online.