There’s one thing I’ve noticed about expectant moms these days (and no, this isn’t a post about pregnancy or motherhood)…Moms will spend weeks visiting various hospitals in their area, looking for the perfect match for their needs and expectations. They consider everything from doctor availability to space to freebies to distance from home to overall comfort level. They weigh each item against the other until a clear winner emerges.

It makes sense when you think about how important having a baby is.

But what if I told you that they do the same thing when purchasing a stroller or crib or carseat? What if I told you that moms these days tend to turn every babygear decision into an extensive list of pros and cons?

We always talk marketing here on Thursdays with Amanda, and we’ve frequently mentioned the need for a professional webpage, website, or blog. But one of the most common mistakes authors (and people in general) make when venturing into a relationship with a web designer is that they don’t view their career as their baby. They fail to ask questions. They fail to vet those that they hire and truly understand what they’re signing up (and paying!) for.

So, before enlisting some Joe Schmoe designer to do your website, present him with these five questions:

1. 1.     Can you show me examples of your previous work? Just like every author writes with a unique voice, every artist creates with a unique point of view. So before you ever consider hiring anyone to do design work for you, you must connect with their artwork. Ask to see samples (because what you see is oftentimes what you’ll get). If you like what you see, then you may have a match! If you’re not crazy about it, keep looking.
2. 2.     Can you put me in touch with some of your former clients? After you determine that you like their art and designs, ask to speak to some of their clients. This is a way for you to get an unbiased opinion on how the designer operates, what to expect (Will they stay in close contact? Will they disappear for weeks on end? Do they keep you involved in the revisions process? Do they listen to direction?), and any strengths or weaknesses.
3. 3.     How does the payment process work? What do you expect up front? How much do you anticipate this will cost? Most big jobs will require some kind of nonrefundable deposit. Designers also have policies on when they expect payment and what the protocol is should you end up unhappy with their work. Get all of this information before you sign anything. If you don’t like the designer’s payment policies or estimate, look for someone else.
4. 4.     What timeframe are we looking at? First, you must understand that a full website will take a few months to put together. This isn’t a quick process. But on top of that, each designer works at a different pace. Have the designer give you an estimate when he/she will have something ready for you to review. Then, have them give you an estimate as to, should everything go as planned (and should you not send them a million tweak suggestions), when the site will be finalized. If possible, work deadlines into your agreement. As long as they show that they are continuously working on your project, you shouldn’t have a problem…even if they exceed the deadline. But if you feel that they have put your project aside for weeks or months, then you have that contractual deadline to point to.
5. 5.     What vision do you have for my site? Get a feel for how much freedom the designer will take with your site. If you’re comfortable with their abilities, then you may be excited to let them loose. But if you’re the type who likes strict control of the design, then this is your chance to gauge whether you’ll be frustrated by any artistic license.

There are many more questions you could ask, but this is a start. The bottom line is that taking the time up front to get to know who you’re hiring will save you a lot of headache in the long run.

What experiences have YOU had with designers? Or what questions do you have?

The BEST method is to get face-to-face, of course, so by all means consider attending a conference where you can meet the agents and editors with whom you want to work. Research them ahead of time, find out who they are, what they represent, and who might be a fit. Then try to get in front of them. That’s best… But in today’s publishing world, that’s harder than it used to be. Many agents are staying away from conferences because they’re dominated by beginning writers. In publishing today, most people have become email people, and thus I expect most of the queries you’re going to write are going to be without a face to face introduction (even though that would be best).  

I much prefer a query via email than a printed letter (save the trees, save the gas delivering it). A query should be short, to the point, and most of all is should give me a reason for wanting to see your proposal. It should help me to be interested in our topic or story. Remember, the goal of the query isn’t to sell your book; it’s to get an agent or editor to agree to take the next step. That’s all. Nobody decides to acquire a book based solely on the query. So the query should briefly give me a reason for wanting to see more, it should be written extremely well in order to show off your talent, and it should tell me exactly what you want me to do.

The first paragraph of your query letter  introduces your topic — just give it one or two sentences. Your second reveals the basic idea or focus of your book in two or three sentences. Your third paragraph mentions you briefly, perhaps explains why you decided to write the book or why you are the correct person to write it. Then you wrap it up by saying you have a complete proposal (or, if you’re writing a novel, by saying that the manuscript is complete), and that you’re happy to be in touch and discuss or explore the book. 

One note about the tone: I want to represent people who are fairly normal. So don’t allow your query to make you look like an insane person (“This story was personally handed to me by an angel”). Don’t pretend we’re best friends (“Yo bud! How ya doin?”). Don’t threaten (“I’ve been getting a lot of interest from other agents…”). Don’t be a used car salesman (“This is your lucky day!”). Get me into your story, show off the big idea and why it’s salable, and give me some sense of your writing ability. [And if you haven't seen it yet, make sure to check out http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com. A riot.]

Hmmm… Okay, let me think about how to answer this question politely, but clearly. I don’t know you. You may be a mess. You may need counseling. You may not be ready to write a book. And I suppose there’s something to be said for the fact that a nonfiction book is a tool that offers a solution to a question – so maybe if you haven’t worked all the way through it, you don’t have the solutions to offer yet. And that would mean you probably don’t have a book yet. 

Having said that, I don’t universally agree on the “wait until you understand it before you write about it” theory. The fact is, some of the best writing we have comes from people struggling IN THE MIDST OF pain. Take a look at James Agee’s Death in the Family or Brennan Mannings Ragamuffin Gospel or Lauren Winner’s Girl Meets God. One of the reasons we like those books, one of the reasons they resonate so well with readers, is because they don’t have all the answers. They are people struggling to find answers and, sometimes, coming up short. We live in a world that has questions and brokenness and pain — one that often doesn’t even believe in the notion of there being an “answer.” Letting others see the process we’re going through can prove helpful. So maybe you don’t really need to have all the answers to do a good book. 

I hesitate to make that argument, of course, because I’m afraid it will lead to me seeing more reflective poetry, angst-filled books on bad relationships, and screeds against groups who have hurt you. But while it’s always nice to see somebody who has gone through dark times and come out the other end victorious, remember that great literature can sometimes raise questions, not answers. 

Don’t you sometimes get tired of apparently Prozac-laden religious writers who want to tell you how they moved from difficulty to success, and sell you their twelve-step answers? Isn’t that one of the reasons people view Christians as out of touch? I represent a lot of faith-friendly books, and I see stuff all the time from people who have been through hard things. While I appreciate the fact that you’ve survived, the event itself doesn’t mean there’s a good book in it. The fact of difficult times does not make a book. People in Oklahoma are struggling with the aftermath of terrible tragedy, but that doesn’t mean they should all do a book. A good book generally has a great (if sometimes terrible) story to tell, and causes us to reflect on life or think about changing our lives in order to live more effectively in some way. So don’t send me your “I was healed” story unless there’s something more to it than “I was sick, now I’m well!”

Nor does the individual’s response to difficulty always make a book. (Or, to continue on the same theme, “I was sick, now I’m well. Praise God!”) Some people can’t write. Sometimes the rest of us can’t really connect to the story. My point is that even the BEST story about an active faith has to have some redemptive quality, plus some touchpoint in my life for me to care about it. To “write from the heart” means, to me, that you’ll share what’s really there — neither papering it over with Bible verses nor whining about the lousy hand you’ve been dealt, but revealing what you’re feeling, what questions you’re asking, what (if any) answers you’re getting. And doing it with great words, so that I appreciate the art as well as the story. AND, for it to be a great book, revealing something universal or transcendent about the experience.

To give this perspective, let me move the discussion into the realm of fiction. I was on a panel at  a conference one time, and somebody asked me what sort of novel I’d like to see. That’s a softball for me: “I want to read a novel that changes me.” I routinely come across fiction that entertains me. Nothing wrong with that — it’s largely why we buy fiction, and it’s the sort of thing that pays the bills for those of us who make a living in publishing. But occasionally I’ll come across a novel that makes me see the world with new eyes. A bit of writing that touches me by its power, revealing parallels between my own world and the world of the novelist. By going through that story, vicariously experiencing their struggle, I gain a new perspective. I learn a new way of thinking about my own life. Yeah, sure, sometimes the author shares an “answer.” But other times, the writer simply helps me to grapple with the questions. And THAT’S why I read. Does that help?

I’d love to see how you wrestle with this topic. Feel free to leave a comment. 

I think it depends on the author’s preference, or maybe their gifting. I don’t have any problem representing authors who write both fiction and nonfiction. However, it’s really tough for a writer to succeed at both. In my view, a novel requires a different set of writing skills than a nonfiction book — novelists require the ability to show, not tell, while nonfiction is all about telling. There are very few examples of writers who have excelled at both. (Yes, there are some, but not many.) And readers simply don’t cross over – most tend to be either fiction readers or nonfiction readers. And historical fiction readers aren’t generally that interested in reading a nonfiction book from a favorite writer, so even a bestselling novelist will find her nonfiction book to be a hard sell in the marketplace. For those very practical reasons, most historical fiction writers tend to stay with the fiction genre. 

Another writer wants to know, “What particular skills do you look for in a writer of historical fiction?”

A strong voice, first of all. The one thing that makes a novel unique is not so much the setting or the characters so much as the voice of the writer. Too many historical novels feel the same — the setting has changed, but the book could have been written by anyone. So what really sets it apart, and the first thing I look for, is a strong author voice. That being said, a strong sense of history and adequate research so that the story feels genuine are essential, of course. I want a story that’s unique and interesting, so it’s best if the writer has a passion for that particular period or the events surrounding the novel. I suppose I also prefer an author with a good vocabulary, particularly appropriate to the setting and time. I like to see a clear sense of mood. Good rhythm to their words. Clear pacing. Great characters in interesting situations. Strong dialogue. Vibrant scenes. Action or events that move me from one page to the next. And, if it’s to have a longlasting quality to it, themes that are greater than boy-meets-girl (which works fine in a historical romance, but we like to see more in a true historical saga). 

And I had one writer get in touch and ask me this: “Should novelists try to keep up on publishing trends? I recently heard a bestselling novelist say she never pays attention to the market – that if she tried to write what is currently selling, chances are the trend will have changed by the time she finished the manuscript. What so you think?”

I generally agree. As an author, if you try to chase the market, you have a tendency to always be BEHIND the trend, so your work is never really fresh. But sometimes a novelist has to pay attention – if nobody is publishing westerns, it helps to have your agent say, “Don’t do a western; we can’t sell it.” Or sometimes a publisher will say, “Do you have ANYONE who can do an Amish romance? We need an Amish book.” That’s when it pays off to watch trends. Of course, a bestselling writer doesn’t need to pay attention to trends – publishers are going to stand in line to work with her, and offer her a great deal of money no matter what she writes.

The fact is, I have to pay attention to trends as an agent. And if I’m representing you, it’s nice to know that you, as a writer, are basically aware of what’s happening in the market. Still, what I care about MOST is that you write a great book – trends or not. I do think some authors worry more about the latest trend than they do about the craft. That’s something I see evidenced at writer conferences, and I’ll admit that it bugs me. A good trend won’t help you sell your story so much as writing a great book.

And a personal aside: Bestselling writer, collaborator, and writing mentor to many, Cecil Murphey, lost his wife after she suffered a stroke over the weekend. Cec is a great guy, and man who has been a friend to me, to this blog, and to many writers who frequent this blog. Our prayers are with Cec and his family today. Hang in there, my friend.  

WARNING: This answer is coming from an agent. Discount all numbers by half and throw out the rest. He is totally biased and opinionated. And make sure you’ve got your pipe and slippers, ‘cause this guy goes on and on and on…

I’m a literary agent. I’ve been in the publishing business in one role or another for decades now, a full time agent for the last 15, and started my own agency about seven years ago. I made my living as an author and, later, as an editor and publisher before I fell away from the Lord and became an agent. I’m pretty successful at what I do, in a business where many people call themselves “agent” but don’t know what they’re doing (and, consequently, don’t last very long), I’m fairly well known in the industry and, by and large, have developed a pretty good reputation for the business (more evidence of the mercy of God, no doubt). Feel free to ask around and see what others say. Most people who know me will tell you that I’m not an “agent evangelist.” I’ll be the first one to tell you that not everybody needs an agent. And I’m fairly safe in talking about this stuff because I’m fairly full-up with clients. That is, I’m not looking to add a bunch of authors (however, if James Patterson is reading this, FEEL FREE TO CALL). With that said, I’m going to give this one man’s opinion…

Agents are more important than ever

There has been this mood around some people on the writing side that, with the advent of ebooks and the ability to self-post anything you create, agents are no longer needed. My response: rot. There are more book publishing opportunities than ever before, more contracts and legal issues, more choices to make, and more need for experienced advice than ever. Sure, you can post your book on Amazon, and maybe it’ll break out — I think that’s a good thing. But who is going to help an author make good choices if they have some success? Haven’t you noticed that all those authors who had their self-published books break out then found themselves turning to an experienced agent to help them manage it all? I frequently get people bringing up THE SHACK, and how the authors of that multi-million selling self-published novel did it all without an agent, and bragged about how the whole thing was done on a handshake. Yeah, that’s true… and then, when they had success, they had nobody to bring any experience to the process. So they all ended up arguing among themselves, slinging accusations, suing each other, and having the whole ugly thing wind up in court. Maybe if they’d had an agent put a bit of time in on it, they’d have saved themselves some grief. (And, oh yeah… now that it’s all resolved, they got agents.) I realize this is a selfish argument, but I’m tired of hearing people who don’t know much about the industry expound as though they were experts. Sure, there are plenty of self-pubbed authors who have sold some copies. Good for them. If they want to move on and have actual careers, most of them will get agents.

With that in mind, let me offer some tips for you, as you think through your own situation…

When NOT to get an agent:

-When you don’t have either a full manuscript (if it’s fiction) or a dynamite proposal and sample chapters (if it’s non-fiction). Without those, you’re simply not ready.

-When you’re not a proven writer. By that I mean, have you proven you can do this writing stuff? In general, publishers are looking for great ideas, expressed through great writing, and offered by a person with a great platform. Sometimes they get all three, sometimes they settle for two of three. I’ve taken on some unproven writers because I liked an idea or their writing, but understand that I work MUCH harder for an unknown author (and get less return) than I do for a proven author… and THAT’S why agents prefer to work with proven authors. If you’re not a proven writer, you may not need an agent. 

-When you won’t let others critique your work. Criticism is how we get better. Why is it the worst writers seem the least ready to listen? Maybe because in their hearts they know they aren’t that good, and admitting that would hurt their self-esteem… or maybe I’m guilty of psychologizing. 

-When you’re not ready for rejection. This is a tough business. Do you have any idea how many times I hear the word “NO” in a week? If you can’t take “no,” or if you can’t take criticism, or if you can’t take direction, go back to the dry-cleaning business. You obviously aren’t tough enough for the writing biz yet. 

-When you have too much time on your hands (right… Like THAT’S going to happen).

-When you feel like you’re “giving away” 15% of your income. I don’t think any of the authors I work with resent my percentage…they know I help them earn more than they’d get on their own.

-When you enjoy selling books and negotiating contracts. I think there are some authors who really enjoy creating proposals on their own, who have the contacts to get their manuscripts in front of editors, and who can manage the contract process themselves. But the truth is, all of those aspects of publishing require some special knowledge. So while it happens, it isn’t common. Again, I’m not an agent evangelist, trying to tell every writer they need an agent. If you can manage all of that yourself, perhaps you’re one of those who don’t need an agent. 

 When TO get an agent:

-When you have a dynamite proposal that a publisher will fall in love with (and the agent should maximize the deal).

-When you don’t know who to go to. The agent should have strong relationships in publishing… ALWAYS ask a prospective agent who he/she represents, ask to talk with some of his/her authors, and ask what deals he/she has done lately. If an agent doesn’t really represent anybody, or hasn’t really done any deals, you have to wonder if they’re really an agent or just play acting. An agent lives or dies on his/her relationships, so make sure you pick somebody who is good at those.

-When you don’t know about contracts (they are legal documents that can impact your life for years). Remember that a contract is a legal document that will govern your book for as long as it’s in print. Before you sign one, make sure you have someone with some experience do adequate review of the document. On a related note, I would argue “When you don’t know what a good deal or a bad deal is,” you probably need an agent. The fact is, the information can be hard to find by outsiders, so the majority of authors are going on hearsay. Working with an agent who knows what to look for and what the current market will bear (in terms of money, deal points, and rights) is important.

-When you don’t know how to read a royalty statement. If you can’t (and sometimes I swear publishers make them as obtuse as possible, to keep authors from understanding what’s going on with their books), you may need some help. 

-When you don’t know how to market your book. More and more of my life these days goes toward helping with marketing — a significant change, when you consider fifteen years ago that was a very small portion of my day. Again, you can get glean great information from books and seminars, but my guess is you’ll find it extremely helpful to have a good agent to talk through the publication, marketing, and sales processes. 

-When you don’t have time on your hands and don’t want to negotiate with the publisher yourself. Which is, essentially, everyone. Okay, that’s just a quick list to consider, but I hope it answers your basic question. 

My response was instinctive. “Add it to my next royalty check.”


“I’m serious, man. We hired a scriptwriter to convert your novel to a script for an audio book. She had it back to us in three days. She said your dialogue was so natural, she pretty much just transcribed it.”

“You know what they say: ‘If it ain’t on the page, it ain’t on the stage.’”


“Well,” he said, “yours is on the page, so we’re puttin’ it on the stage.”

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

Although novels, short stories, and works of narrative nonfiction are venues of the mind, I try to write dialogue as though my readers will be in an audience listening to a performance. It forces me to keep the dialogue crisp, witty, poignant, and supported by the right stage business. Let me share with you some tips from scriptwriting that will enhance your prose.

Begin by reading and studying other writers’ scripts. And by that, I mean reading them aloud. When I was in graduate school as an English major, one of my profs made us read out loud in class. We read long passages from plays by George Bernard Shaw, Lillian Hellman, Arthur Miller, Tennessee Williams, Thornton Wilder, Samuel Beckett, and Agatha Christie. I was amazed at how this approach to understanding literature also served to sharpen my ear in regard to writing dialogue for my short stories. I still do this today with TV and movie scripts, musicals, and stage dramas. You can do likewise by obtaining play collections from the library or downloading public domain scripts from the Internet.

TRYA FLIP-FLOP

If you’re not confident about how to make a scene dramatic enough, you can surprise readers by doing a flip-flop. In scriptwriting this is called role reversal. A “normal” scene would have a mother going berserk because her 17-year-old daughter has come in two hours after curfew. But think about how much more intense the scene would be if the teenager were admonishing the mother for coming in late:

“You couldn’t call or text to let me know you were okay?”

“It’s a school night. I thought you’d be in bed.”

“You’ve been a single mom for nine years, and you think I’m not going to want to hear about your first date?”

“It was just dinner with a friend, Sweetheart.”

“You’ve been gone seven hours, Mom. That was more than just dinner. Why are you so late?”

You can write a whole scene in the standard way, but then you can swap your characters’ roles. What if the employee argued against her boss about giving raises to the employees…or the teacher argued with her principal, insisting teachers needed to spend more time after school fixing bulletin boards and preparing lesson plans…or the insurance agent tried to convince the customer he didn’t need to purchase a $250,000 policy? To readers, role reversal is so unexpected, it compels them to see how the scene will unfold. It’s edgy, surprising, and captivating.


HAVE DIALOGUE DEFINE CHARACTERS

If an episode in your novel is lying flat, or if the narrative drive of your plot starts to fizzle, enliven things by having a character explode onto the scene. When Cruella de Vil arrives at the young couple’s apartment intent on confiscating all 101 Dalmatians, she bursts into the room in a whirlwind of total domination. Her hair is flying, her arms are flailing, her cigarette ashes are flinging. She wails and screeches as she bounces around the room counting the puppies.

Cruella doesn’t merely talk, she bellows commands, insisting the dogs be rounded up, turned over to her, and taken to her limousine. Her volume is high, her words are caustic, and her behavior is flamboyant. There is an immediate new intensity to the overall plot. What Cruella says and how she says it instantly define her as the villain, someone to fear and hate and distrust. (Note: Don’t you just love how her name contains the words “cruel” and “devil?”)

You can do something similar. A drill sergeant can burst into a barracks at 5 a.m. booming orders. An ambulance team can ram through the doors of an emergency room calling out vital signs for a patient being wheeled inside. A judge can suddenly lose her temper, slam her gavel, and lecture the defense attorney. In each instance, the power and volume of the dialogue will define the role of the person speaking, as well as intensify the energy of the scene.


THINKING UNIQUENESS, NOT ACCENTS

When I’m sitting in an airport during layovers, I listen to the way people around me talk, and I take notes. I don’t try to capture a German accent or a Southern drawl so much as I try to record the uniqueness of the speech patterns. How do people pronounce specific words? What words do they like to use, and which words do they repeat frequently? I find myself jotting down idioms, contractions, word order (syntax), and even ways grammar rules are broken. I sometimes transcribe overheard conversations and later read them aloud as though I’m an actor trying to learn lines in a play. It puts people inside my head who don’t sound like me. This leads to diversity in my fictional characters’ voices.


TALKING THE TALK

When dialogue works well, it gives vitality to a scene and definition to characters. Often, it has to be rewritten many times before it sounds natural. However, revision is worth the effort because readers return to authors who can talk the talk of insightful, entertaining dialogue.

==========

Dr. Dennis Hensley is the author of 52 books, including six novels and eight textbooks. A popular speaker and widely respected writing teacher at conferences, he is the Director of the Professional Writing Program at Taylor University in Indiana. You can see more of his thoughts at www.dochensley.com . 

 Bonjour from just outside Lyon, France.  My just-got-a-little older but still-sharp-as-a-tack agent, Chip, graciously invited me to write a post about my novella, Waiting for Peter, which was recently released as an e-book with MacGregor Literary.  While I was thankful for the opportunity, it is a little daunting to follow all that bad poetry with a semi-serious post about, well, a dog.  And a boy.  And his mother.

But here I go.

Five years ago, my Dutch publisher, Kok-Uitgeverij Voorhoeve, asked me to write a novella for ‘The Week of the Christian Book’, a cool annual offer where, for one week, Christian bookstores throughout Holland give a free novella to customers who purchase over ten euros of products at their store. The only criteria given me was to work the story around the theme of animals.

And so I went about writing Waiting for Peter.  I had plenty of inspiration for the story from personal experience with our loveable mutt, Beau, who is actually the dog on the cover of the novella.  If you are a dog-lover, this next part will make sense.  If not, it may sound a little heretical.

Throughout the years, I had often journaled about lessons I was learning from our dog as well as the way he ministered to our two sons as they navigated elementary school, Jr. High and high school.  I also included in many journal entries how Beau was teaching me a lot about what my relationship with my Master, the Lord, should look like.

So I came up with the story—fictional, yes—but with some parts sounding a lot like those journal entries. Here’s a description of the novella:

A wounded boy, an abandoned mutt, a worried mother, and a God big enough to bring healing for them all.

Peter is a young teen who is emotionally and physically scarred following a tragic accident.  Hoping to find a way to help Peter reconnect with his family, his mother, Lanie, agrees to let him adopt a dog from the Humane Society.  So begins the relationship between Peter and his neurotic mutt, Sunny.

Told from the alternating points of view of Sunny and Lanie, Waiting for Peter is the story of the healing power of love between a boy and his dog and an allegory of how we should view our relationship with God, our Master.

From a Dutch reader: “What a wonderful gem, this novella. Elizabeth Musser cleverly weaves a big story into this small book….”

Hope you’ll enjoy!  A bientôt.  Il faut que je retourne à mon écriture.

Ask Chip.  He speaks French very well!

Au revoir.

For over twenty-five years, Elizabeth and her husband, Paul, have been involved in missions work with International Teams.  They presently live near Lyon, France. The Mussers have two sons, a daughter-in-law and a grandson. To learn more about Elizabeth and her books, please visit www.elizabethmusser.com.  To order Waiting for Peter, please click here.

Our annual contest always gives us great lines, such as Travis Campbell’s, “You can’t roll with the punches with a busted wheel under the office chair of your soul,” or famed crime writer Steve Jackson’s “…like the water in the toilet swirling down into lead-piped emptiness carrying with me the byproducts of my broken life…”  It’s exactly that sort of depth and insight that marks this contest. The judges also liked the work of Michele Simmons’ Sibling Rivalry, roller derby star Kathleen Christian’s A Worm, and Rachel Niehaus’ fabulous Untitled #3, as well as Andrew Winch’s A Cacophony of Discordant Sounds Shining Dissonantly: 

The shining moon shines on my heart,
With shining rays of anguish.
She doesn’t know the hidden art,
Which breathes my cries of languish.

The mausoleum wastes away,
With crumbling greys and greens.
The crickets scream and cry and bray
Which ‘wakens timeless fiends.

Curs-ed wolves howl at the moon,
Making damsels faint and gasp and swoon,
And I, I… howl with them.

We hope YOU are howling, since those are just the honorable mentions. In fact, one of the best entries wasn’t even a poem — the actual poem sucked, but the intro was fabulous:

My poem has a deepness that many won’t be able to apreciate. The skeptics shall veiw it as total nonsence, and shall condenscendingly turn up their noses, inflated with their own facitiosness. But the open-minded, the inspired, the beautiful, the wise, the creative, the good – they shall find infinate layers of meaning, which they will peel away like a banana which has multiple peels, one on another (so that when you peel off one there’s another peel undeneeth it, and you never reach the bananna.) Because of the way that you could interpet the poem in a million (no, a trillion) different ways, true poets can draw many different feeling from it. (Feeling rhymes with peeling). Each time they read through it, it will be different. They could laugh like a hynena, reminise like an old guy, sob like someone who’s sobbing, or tingle like shooken oh-so-crisp lettece with a little water on it. This is a poem that literary critics, poem-lovers, and those classes which disscuss works of writing can obsess over for weeks…

It’s the depth, the feeling, and the misspellings that draw me to that (to say nothing of the humility). But this year’s finalists are all about LOVE…

Kimberly Buckner offered this ode to love:

your love is the stuff in my refrigerator. Or, Ode from a hungry person. I couldn’t decide.

your love is milk. good for my bones.
your love is a mango. red, green, or yellow depending on how long I leave you.
your love is a zuchinni. underrated.
your love is an avocado. thick skinned, and smoother when I mash you with a fork.
your love is bread. darker on the outside, fluffy on the inside, allergy inducing to my mother. 
your love is a piece of…what is that? cheese? no…me–no, not meat….okay, well
your love is this fuzzy thing. its been there longer than I can remember and has grown over time.

Wonderfully bad. Speaking of bad love, novelist Joshua Graham rendered this:

The Beloved

Arise, oh daughter of Nero!
Come away with me to the hills of Vesuvius
As its peaks doth smolder, so my love for you doth burn
For your beauty is like no other

The Princess

My beloved is a mighty warrior
His chest is like granite, his legs powerful as the ostrich’s
Surely thou hast smote thy foes with thy mere flatulence!
Downwind, your enemies cower and flee at the mention of thy name.

If love was a plant it would be a genetically modified Venus Fly Trap fertilized through a hydroponic system while being injected with miracle grow and Prozac. People would poke it with sticks and take photos of it. It would become choleric and maniacal and would release repulsive pheromones and space monkeys. People will become afraid and wish it would just go away but instead they would become cocoons filled with knott’s jelly and consumed by wild wombats and dejected yellow bellied lemurs.

Bailax, who I’m sure is now back on his medication, has a future in bad poetry. And Jeanne Doyon became a finalist with this determinedly bad work:

The Grand Prize Winner of this year’s Bad Poetry Contest will receive a copy of the text that has been called “The Worst Self-Published Book of All Time.” The title is How to Good-bye Depression: If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?  by Hiroyki Nishigaki. (If you don’t believe me, check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/d588msb

You may not be completely familiar with Mr. Nishigaki’s book, but he starts off with a bang by offering this tip: “Take advantage of this at your peril.” Much of the book consists of random emails he has apparently sent to friends, but he does offer such sound advice as “Erase your bad stickiness” and “stare, shoot out immaterial fiber, ucceed in concentrating, behave with abandon-largess-humor and beckon the spirit.” I’ve been erasing my own bad stickiness through this very method (though Holly has refused to clean up when I shoot out my immaterial fiber at the office). No, I really don’t have any idea what the book is about (other than, you know, constricting your anus 100 times every day), but as a writer I find I can pretty much open it up to any page, read it aloud, and start to laugh. It’s THAT bad.

I know the excitement that comes with a fabulous, potentially life-changing book like this. So the winner of our Bad Poetry contest DESERVES this book. It’s even autographed. (Not by the author. By the person who gave me a copy. But still… it’s autographed.) So smack that muse; wake up your mojo and explain in no uncertain terms that you need to get writing; feed your soul or whatever other stoopid writing metaphor you need to get you going, and drop us a heapin’ hunk o’ Bad Poetry. The world awaits your contribution.

-Chip

Amanda Luedeke is a literary agent with MacGregor Literary. Every Thursday, she posts about growing your author platform. You can follow her on Twitter @amandaluedeke or join her Facebook group to stay current with her wheelings and dealings as an agent. Her author marketing book, The Extroverted Writer, is available from Amazon andBarnes & Noble.

Emily Dickinson once said “To write good, you have to learn to write bad.”

Okay, so she didn’t say that. She probably never even thought it. But, what I HAVE heard respected authors say is something to the effect of “First you must learn the rules so that then you know how to break them.”

Deep stuff, eh?

This week on the blog, we’re all about breaking the rules. We’re running our annual Bad Poetry Contest, so if you haven’t already, get out your pen and paper, rouse up that teenage angst that still lurks behind your Toyota Corolla, nine-to-five, everything’s-perfect facade, and start writing.

Badly.

To get the juices flowing, here’s a bad limerick I wrote in high school:

There once was a servant named Jasper,

Who wanted to marry his master.

So he grabbed her and fled to the church to be wed

And was painfully forced to first ask her.

Your turn. Submit your entries here.