Chirpsin

Don't Oppress Women, Objectify Them

Tue, 15 May 2012 19:24:41 +0000

How To Never Make Mistakes Ever

Tue, 08 May 2012 17:23:56 +0000

[from the journal of Dana Floris]

It’s not your fault, man. This could happen to anybody. There is no amount of foresight that could have prevented what happened last night. You learned all the techniques and were only late to seminars once or twice. It’s true a few times you slept during them but dammit when you were awake you paid attention. At least when you weren’t preoccupied. When you *had* the attention you gave it all to what they were teaching you. It wasn’t that often that you took bathroom breaks, really. You never once even wasted time by washing your hands so you could get back quicker to the seminar and learn this stuff.

But last night your best effort was not enough. You *did* go to the club you never have a good time at and plays music you would rather not exist. True you didn’t even think you would find a girl there you’d like and it doesn’t matter that it didn’t work out. What matters is you took initiative. Instead of one of those guys who fears heartbreak and thus never makes a move you are that guy who jumps in and knows just what it feels like even if you wished you hadn't.

It started with the shoes you ignored, didn’t it? You thought it was shallow for you to be picky about her footwear and wanted to be less shallow and more open-minded but that was the wrong move.

You need to be more consistent in how shallow you are. It doesn’t matter if you never meet a girl you *actually* like, what matters is integrity. It will keep you warm at night, don’t listen to what couples say. They prolly never even gave integrity a try. It does take imagination to even visualize what integrity is, yes. But where there’s a will there’s a way to get in it. Ha ha. I know it’s not a joke but it was funny.

So you ignored the open toe wedges, refused to even look at them. How high-minded of you but then you also barely looked at her body. The feminists told you not to look at chick’s butts and *now* you listen? Of all the times you could have tried out feminist theories couldn’t you choose a place where girls at least pretend to be feminist? These club girls are all wearing heavy makeup, short skirts, pushup bras, and heels. Which of these gave you the impression they might have even heard of such things as the ERA much less that girls should pay half the tab?

But you also ignored the asides people made as you walked out together. Did you ever think there was a reason she was so “taken by you”? You know nobody is gonna love you without a sales pitch, if they do then maybe they’re the one closing a deal. They said stuff like “she’s not what you think” and even more subtle phrases like “what are you thinking”. But you were so set on showing people how you are above the normal male dynamic of only liking a girl if she impresses his friends. Great.

So can we just resolve to at least glance to see how big her shoes are? Whether you see a little extra in places she shouldn’t? And for the love of all things holy: rather than finding out once you are naked, when people say so at least investigate it when they say she’s actually a dude.

3 Easy Tips To Get Over A Girl

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:11:30 +0000

Through no fault of your own there may come a time when that girl just does not want to be around you anymore. Be it hormonal changes, her unrealistic expectations, or just plain stupidity, some girls cannot see past their own narrow agendas to be able to understand how awesome you are. You can ply them with candies, shower them with attention, and even listen to them talk, but it will still end in a breakup. At times like this it is best to quickly get over it rather than prolong it. The key is to make yourself hate her rather than miss her. And avoid crying in public.

Photo by Jo Christian Oterhals

1. MAKE HER SMELL BAD

She wants you to think she smells like roses naturally, but the truth is it is her lotion. This magic balm soothes and beckons you. Without this sweet scent she would just wreak of sweaty female and probably not the good kind. Just as her perfumes can attract you, other scents can repel you. Put a little poo on a single finger and sniff it every time you encounter her. Soon your head will be filled with visions of her not wiping her butt properly or worse: maybe she’s going number two right now in her pants. In very few cases do people develop a feces fetish from this technique.

2. WAKE UP TO HER VOICE

Once you have her linked to disgusting, then move on to linking her to odious. Her voice used to coax and manipulate you, but now we need it to repulse you. We need to make those melodic sweetnothings upset you rather than excite you. The worst sound in the world is whatever sound your alarm clock makes. So make it so you have to wake up to her each day. Put her shrill whinings on CD and make that CD alarm clock play that every morning. Soon she will make you shudder, not your heart flutter. Ha.

3. ONLY TALK TO HER MAD

Now that she annoys you and smells like a toilet, it is time to cap it off. Ultimately you will have to make contact with her again and this is where tears typically manifest. All you want it your stuff back and just maybe to see her for a little bit, the problem is you only want to see her when you are having a bad day or feeling sentimental. This primes you for accepting any manner of illogical notions she spews or otherwise cowing to her demands. The best time to see her is when you do not want to; when you are mad as hell. With anger you can kick down her door, demand she return your favorite hoodie, and give you full custody of the cat. Stunned, she will do nothing to stop you and in fact will probably masturbate about you that night.

These strategies are best when mixed and matched with your own personal ones. You could sniff your poo-finger while showing up at her work to embarrass her. Maybe have her voice be an alarm clock to remind you to sneak into her house and pee on her bed. Whatever works for you is what you should do. With a tiny amount of effort you will be better prepared when your next relationship ends badly.

Men Like Women With Large Numbers

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 02:42:44 +0000

5 Misunderstood Things Women Say

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 22:20:05 +0000

There is a notion among a certain section of the male populace that women do not communicate the way men do. They profess that all too often what women say rarely reflects their true desires or feelings. They maintain that often women will say things they don't mean in order to force a man to behave in a strong way though men see them as times to make her happy. These men complain that the way men talk is superior as there is little to no subtext and things are handled on the surface, out in the open.

The below list are commonly misinterpreted situations where a woman is attempting to communicate with her male partner and his paranoia takes over and clouds his understanding of the scenario.

1. Asking Him To Do Something

She asked you to get rid of your motorcycle. You did it. She stopped sleeping with you. Or she told you to stop seeing your friends. You agreed. She broke up with you. You can theorize about how she had some grand plan to use this request as a way to test your strength but that would be a rather manipulative move, a woman you should be glad to be rid of. More likely it's the *way* you got rid of your motorcycle that was the problem. Why did you have to use Craigslist you know how she gets about that. Also it's awkward having so many people call you to inquire about your ad you put in the paper because you know how she gets headaches so easily.

2. Giving Him Commands

When she tells you to shut up, it's not a trick to see if you will succumb to her will and thus likely to also be weak in the face of more dire situations. Women have times when they need a little quiet and just because these times seems to have proliferated once you were "together" does not mean they are just tests to measure your mettle. Do not overlook the manner in which you obey her commands, for this is crucial. Did you close your mouth and storm out of the room or did you stop speaking, give her a hug and take her for ice cream? I know it is upsetting afterward when she consistently refuses freaky sex stuff but a girl needs time to recover from earlier stunning displays of bedroom prowess, it's not because you are now a wimp in her eyes.

3. Picking a Fight With Him

She complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, you take it as one of those dreaded tests whereby she will try your inner man. Though it might seem like a passive-aggressive, deniable way to express her insecurity about herself and you, did you ever think she just might have a passion for proper lavatory etiquette? Yes, she could easily look before she sits but this is *your* house and she is your guest, is that all she means to you? Especially at night when turning on the light will exacerbate the incipient hangover she got from drinking your booze. You see how her toilet seat concerns might be real now?

4. Giving Him Suggestions

You should shave more, she says. The leading dating gurus will have you believe this is yet another test whereby she will test your allegiance to your self and your thoughts. That the way to "win" is by not doing as she says. It's true she loved your bearded self when you first started dating but things are different now. None of her girlfriend's men have beards and it makes for an awkward visual at dinner parties. Everyone else is Abercrombie and you are all 90s hipster, it just doesn't work sweetie. Plus you know as women get older they get more sensitive in regards to a man's facial hair chafing their parts. It's true you have not kissed her in a few months but that's just while her skin recovers from you last kissing her with stubble. Things are gonna go back to normal soon, but a ring might speed things along. Hint.

5. Threatening Him

If you don't stop playing video games I'm leaving, she exclaims. She sees the video games as a replacing her, but all you are led to believe is that she doesn't care what the thing is and it's just a test to see if you do what she says. All that button pushing and knob twiddling, of course she is jealous and you rightfully should sell that game system and start using your fingers on her. Even though she's been having headaches lately it's not you it's her. She'd love for you to be able to touch her like you did with your joystick but now's just not the right time. The lack of physical intimacy has nothing to do with you giving into her demand, it's just she needs time to recover from the mental trauma of having almost maybe been replaced by an electronic device.

Do not be misled by prevailing thought and assume your woman has ulterior motives when she makes it seem she wants you to do something for her. No matter how she brings up the issue to you it's important that you honor the request. You would do so for a friend, right? She is your best friend, right? You said so that one time. So treat her as a buddy and keep remembering that doing so has no bearing on your once hot and heavy romance turning into a staid friendship.

T-Shirt: Austria Kangaroos of Australia

Wed, 11 May 2011 18:02:50 +0000

$24.00

Everybody wants to get rich at some time in their life. If it's not from a paper route then it might be from selling shirts related to a hugely popular movie. When Australia was all the rage and Aussie tourism commercials were on network tv frequently and Paul Hogan was a film star, a man had an idea.

That idea was to make a cool Australia shirt and make a fortune selling it at the local swap meet. So he begged his wife to use their savings but that wasn't enough. He also had to borrow from every relative and friend. The long hours making his dream come true culminated the day they laid out the shirts waiting for eager shirt buyers to feast and thus make them wealthy.

Suddenly he decided he didn't want to be rich anyway because rich people are stupid. They went home early, unloaded the shirts at a thrift store, had a good cry, and never mentioned the episode ever again.

Price: $24.00