CHNL by Chanel

Waiting his turn

Chanel — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 04:30:10 +0000

The breakup letter

Chanel — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:16:10 +0000

Warning: This post is full of crazy. I’m writing this at 4:30 in the morning because the guy I’m living with woke me up (AGAIN!) and I can’t get back to sleep. This is basically the final straw and I want out so I’m breaking up with him on my blog. But first, a letter:

Dear Inconsiderate Jerkface,

~~I hate you and want you dead.~~
Here are five reasons why today will be your last day on earth:

1. You’re needy and your timing sucks.

Tell me—TELL ME—why is it that when I am awake and there is ample light for me to ~~kill you in cold blood~~ spend some quality time with you, you are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND?

And yet—AND YET!—, precisely ten minutes after the lights go off, and just as I’m about to sleep … HI CHANEL I’M AWAKE! Just thought I’d wake up you to let you know that! Time to wake up even though it is the middle of the night! ZZZZZ PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE! And then its all, Chanel, I’m hungry! Chanel, feed me! And when I ignore you? YOU BITE ME. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL.

3. You can’t deal with conflict.

After you woke me up tonight, I actually got out of bed, turned on the lights and prepared to hash this out with you like two mature adults who are angry at each other at irrational hours of the night. INSTEAD—INSTEAD!—It happened more like this:

You wake Chanel up. Chanel gets out of bed. You run and HIDE like a WHINY LITTLE FREAKING GIRL.

Seriously? BE A MAN.

3. You are inconsiderate and have no job.

Has anyone ever told you what a supreme jerk* you are? Do you even care that I have to get up early tomorrow—you know, to do ACTUAL work? Unlike some people, I don’t sit around all day sulking in someone’s bedroom, plotting ways to keep them up all night and generally mooching off of them until I suck them dry. HAVE SOME RESPECT.

* I actually looked up “jerk” in the thesaurus because I was running out of family friendly derogatory names to refer to this piece of work. Surprise: I couldn’t find anything that didn’t involve genitalia, sexual undertones, swear words or a combination thereof. I was about to call him a hoser because I found that here and it sounded safe enough, but then I googled its origins and apparently thats a derogatory term for CANADIANS. So I think I’ll stick with jerk. In other news, has anyone ever noticed that derogatory names are terribly uncreative because they’re basically composed of a slang term for genitalia or sexual act combined with a noun or verb? e.g., _____-sucker, _____-wad, _____ -head.

4. You give me itchy red bumps.

Really, I could stop this list right here, and nobody would fault me for ~~killing you~~ only having three good reasons to break up with you. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! You give me red bumps and make me itch! Chanel wins again!

Look, I don’t know a lot about life, but I do know this: If the guy you’re living with is making you itch, it’s time to move on (and see your doctor).

5. Did you even read point #4?

Plus, I think I’m allergic to you.

If I ever find you, ~~you~~ we are so over. Start saying your prayers.

Love,
Chanel

P.S. I always knew I’d be better off living on my own.

P.P.S. When I say “guy” here, I really mean a mosquito that is inevitably a male because only a male can cause this much trouble for a female at 4:30 in the morning. Did you think I was talking about an ACTUAL guy? Hahahaha, silly you! Cat ladies don’t have boyfriends!

P.P.P.S. I just googled mosquitoes and apparently the ones that bite you are female. How does this work? What does this mean? EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT YOU IS A LIE!

P.P.P.P.S. Everything I’ve just written here is why I should never be woken up in the middle of the night. Including the fact that this letter has four postscripts.

Cliffjumper

Chanel — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:45:10 +0000

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin (1903-1977)

Dandelions

Chanel — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 18:25:21 +0000

Jane* hacks Google Voice to work with her Canadian number, becomes one step closer to world domination

Chanel — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 06:27:39 +0000

Guess who’s back!

Today, Jane* is going to show you how to hack Google Voice to work with your Canadian phone number(s). If you are Canadian and you know people outside of your local calling area, these four simple steps could save you hundreds of dollars in long distance charges every year. Curious? Read on.

What is this?

A hack that will enable you to place calls from your local calling area to anywhere in Canada and the U.S. for free. Additionally, you will be given a free U.S. number that your U.S. contacts can call, free of charge, that will connect them to your Canadian number. In other words: Free long distance calling to any number in North America.

DID YOU KNOW?

An unlimited North American long distance add-on to your existing mobile phone plan would cost you around $30 CAD a month. Using this hack instead would save you $360 CAD per year!

(Never heard of Google Voice? Learn all about it and its features here.)

Note: This is not Jane’s* original idea. It is a revised and expanded step-by-step guide of this original tutorial.

How does this work?

This entire hack is based on a loophole in Google’s own system: the failure to recognize any number with a 403 area code as an international number. By signing up for a free 403 number with freephoneline.ca, Google Voice is set up in such a way that all incoming calls to your US Google Voice number will be forwarded to your 403 number, which in turn will forward those calls to your own Canadian home/office/mobile number, regardless of the area code. Visually, it looks like this:

INCOMING CALLS:
[Incoming call] –> Google Voice US # –> 403 # –> Your local number –> [You pick up]

Outgoing calls are a bit different. You select the number you want to dial within your Google Voice account either on your home computer or on your mobile phone’s browser, and your own Google Voice number will call your phone. When you pick up, you are immediately transfered to the number you want to call.

Despite how confusing this all might sound, it’s actually remarkably easy to set up and use. Four steps. That’s it! Here’s how to make it happen:

How to set up your Canadian Google Voice account

Step one:
If you are logged into any google products (gmail, google reader, etc), log out.

Step two:
Go to http://www.google.com/voice and sign up for a google voice account. Do not attach your google voice account to any other pre-existing google accounts you may have. Create a new google account and set “United States” as your location in the registration process. Follow the on-screen instructions up until the point where you are asked to put a number in that your Google Voice number will forward to.

If you encounter a message that says Google Voice is not yet available in your country, you will have to use a proxy to sign up. If this happens, download HotSpot shield to get a U.S. IP and try this step again.

Step three:
Open a new tab or window and go to http://www.freephoneline.ca. Follow the on-screen process to sign up for an account. When it comes to choosing your phone number, choose one with a 403 area code. Once you’ve gotten your account set up and are logged in, you will see a screen somewhat similar to this:

Click on the “FollowMe Settings” tab. Set the FollowMe mode to “Always Forward”. Put in the number of the phone you want to use to receive calls coming from your Google Voice US number as your “FollowMe Number”. (For me, this would be my area code 604 cell phone.) Set “seconds until voicemail” and “number of seconds” to the highest values possible (60 and 72 respectively).

Step four:
Click back to the tab or window with your Google Voice account. Insert your new 403 number as the number your Google Voice US number should forward to. Follow the rest of the steps to finish setting up your Google Voice account. You’re done!

How to place calls with your Google Voice account

On your home computer:
Go to google.com/voice. Log in. Click the “call” button under the Google Voice logo. Type the number (including area code) of the person you want to call.
On your mobile phone:
Point your browser to m.google.com/voice. Log in. Scroll all the way to the bottom of the screen to where it says “Terms of Service | Older Version”. Click “Older Version”. An older looking version of Google Voice will load. Next to where it says “Quick Call”, type the number (including area code) of the person you want to call in the box.

Within seconds, the phone to which your Google Voice account is set up to forward to will ring. Call display will show your own Google Voice number. When you answer, you’ll hear the ringing tone as your call is being connected to the number you wanted to dial.

Final notes on usage

A couple things go without saying…

This uses your minutes. If you have unlimited weekends and/or evenings, it would be smartest (like with any long conversations) to place your calls then in order to make sure you don’t use up your minutes.
Make sure you get free incoming long distance calls. This is standard to most service providers these days, but you should check just to be sure. Remember, your US Google Voice number calls YOU to connect you to all your outgoing calls made on your Google Voice account.
You must be within your local calling area to use this hack without getting charged for roaming by your service provider. Treat all the calls your make and receive through Google Voice like all the other calls you make and receive.

That is all!

* Jane is a pseudonym.

Jane* goes running in the rain, water damages her iPhone

Chanel — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 18:39:30 +0000

Story time!

Today I’m going to tell you about the time Jane Doe water damaged her $600 phone. Jane owns an iPhone 3G. Jane likes to run. One day, Jane goes running in the rain with her iPhone. Everything is great until about an hour and a half later, when she comes home, puts her iPhone down, changes out of her wet clothes, only to find out her iPhone’s home button no longer works. Jane panics. She googles “iPhone water damage” and finds out where the water sensors are located on the iPhone. The disturbing red indicator in the iPhone dock reveals the worst: her phone is water damaged, and her warranty? Useless.

THE UNABASHED HORROR. The iPhone is essentially useless without the home button.

But Jane’s story has a happy ending. If you, like Jane, own an piece of electronic technology that gets water damaged, there are a couple things you can do right away that cost you nothing and may totally save your device’s life.

What to do if your cell phone has gotten wet:

DON’T TOUCH IT. If it’s on, don’t turn it off. If it’s off, don’t turn it.
Shake out and dry off as much water as you can.
Put your hairdryer on low and blowdry the phone, making sure you don’t get it hot.
Completely submerge it in a bag of uncooked rice or silica.
Resist the urge to pull it out and check to see how it’s doing. Depending on how much water is in your phone, you may need to change the bag of rice or silica.
Repeat steps 2-4 at least once a day. Keep your phone in that bag of rice for anywhere between a couple days to just over a week, depending on how wet it got (a couple drops of strategically placed water vs falling in a pool and staying there for a couple seconds).

If you’re in the same boat as Jane and you also have an iPhone or iPod touch with a home button that no longer works, don’t fret. If it’s under warranty, it’s worth bringing in to see if it can be fixed or replaced for free. If the water sensors are triggered, you’re out of luck – your warranty is most likely voided. BUT, there is something else you can do.

Jailbreak it.

It’s not even remotely scary as it sounds, and you really don’t need to know much about iPhones, jailbreaking or computers to do it yourself. Jane recommends finding a good how-to guide for your product and software version. Jane used this guide to jailbreak her iPhone 3G running version 3.1.3 and highly recommends this method. She also notes that you must download the firmware using Firefox (not Safari) as Safari somehow screws up (compresses) the file in the downloading process.

Once your phone is jailbroken, download the application mQuickDo from the Cydia app (comes with your jailbreak) in your phone. What mQuickDo does: among many other things, allows you to turn your iPhone into an entirely touchscreen experience, allowing you to swipe or tap certain portions of your screen to do certain functions (like go back to the home screen, for example). All of these actions are fully customizable within the app.

Because of these simple workarounds, Jane now has a more useful phone than she did before it got water damaged. This is one of the great things about owning an iPhone – because of its popularity, there seems to be no limit to things people have come up with; there quite literally is “an app for that”. By jailbreaking it, you open up even more options for usability and customizability.

Still, let this be a lesson to everyone: BE YE NOT STUPID. Use a condom if you’re going to be taking your cell phone anywhere near moisture. (You think I am joking but I’m soooo not. Click the link! It’s safe for work!)

* Jane is a pseudonym.

Seven days without a computer makes one weak

Chanel — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 00:10:05 +0000

Last week, my laptop went into repair.

“When will it be done?” I asked.

“Could be up to two weeks, but probably only a couple days,” cute, possibly-future-husband-material Apple store genius replied.

THE UNABASHED HORROR!

There are people whose lives do not revolve around the computer, and then there is me. Chanel. Girl who is unabashed in her dependance upon her computer and the internet. Girl who is taking online classes. Girl who has all her assignments and notes on her precious laptop. Girl who shoots with a digital SLR, making her photography incomplete without a laptop to process photos. Girl whose major hobbies include web design and blogging.

Girl who is screwed without her laptop.

On Wednesday, I had a gorgeous Macbook Pro with a 15″ matte display that processed graphics with amazing crispness, brightness and clarity. On Thursday, I was timesharing a Windows 7 starter 10″ glossy display netbook with three other people.

Awful doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Among other things (namely, GETTING SUPER BEHIND IN SCHOOL, HOW FUN!), this little computer-free experience taught me quite a few things. So I made a list.

There is basically nothing good on television anymore.
You may have enjoyed a balanced, computer and computer-free life when you actually had a computer, but as soon as you don’t, all you can think of is all the time you want to suddenly spend on it.
Having limited access to a computer (or, god forbid, none at all) makes you realize how much you rely on the internet for little things: store hours. phone numbers. directions. event details. updates on the lives of strangers. your daily dose of lols.
The life of an average young adult is growing more and more intangible.

I only really want to talk about that last point; creating an intangible legacy.

I don’t know about you, but I have over a decade of internet history that would be utterly gone forever if the internet disappeared tomorrow. Photos. Journal entries dating back to the age of 11. Almost a decade of designs. Everything I’ve ever written outside of school.

My future doesn’t look any more promising in terms of this dependence. The internet is my creative outlet. No matter what I do with my professional life, I will always be on here to create and to share. It has become such an integral part of my life that I doubt that will ever change.

I’m not going to lie; I’m torn between two schools of thought. Part of me is appalled that so much of my life is so dependent on technology. I remember the days before the internet, computers and cellphones that could do everything, and those memories are among the richest and happiest I have (it also helps that I wasn’t even into the double digits yet). Shouldn’t I be outside playing ball with the neighborhood kids? Drawing graffiti on walls instead of playing in Photoshop?

Another part of of me likes to think that this is me being progressive; that I’m a fairly early adopter of things that will eventually become mainstream and accepted. Like so many others in my generation, I am well-positioned to adapt. Like it or not, our society is going digital. It’s not a question of whether or not that will happen, but rather, who will be with it when it does.

At the end of the day, I have no choice but to embrace technology. For better or for worse, this is the life I have chosen. I didn’t stumble into it, I sought it out. Over the past decade, I have spend hundreds of hours trying to learn everything from CSS and HTML to Photoshop to SEO and the latest in social media, not because I had to, not because I was compelled to, but because I wanted to. And because my relationship with the internet doesn’t begin and end with Facebook, MSN Messenger and YouTube, it is not a pastime—it is a lifestyle.

More than anything else, living relatively computer-free for a week made me realize this: Some people are addicted to the things that the internet can give them. I’m addicted to the things I can give the internet.

What’s your relationship with technology and the internet like?

Curtain call

Chanel — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 02:58:05 +0000

Va va voom

Chanel — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 21:51:38 +0000

Celebrity sightings: Two mass murderers

Chanel — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 20:04:29 +0000

My dad (the very same one who wanted me to tell my readers he was “dead, or something”) has always preferred to have fish as pets over any other animal. Don’t ask me why. Personally, I prefer to have pets that won’t be assisting the devil in eradicating the human race during the apocalypse, but that’s just me.

A couple weeks ago, my dad’s outdoor fishpond was raided. He had about eight fat, orange goldfish in it. One morning, he woke up to check on his pond, only to find the headless bodies of every single one of his goldfish strewn all across our patio.

That’s right. HEADLESS GOLDFISH. ALL OVER OUR PATIO.

Are you reading this before bed? So sorry. Maybe you should listen to this instead:

In case you’re wondering, the only reason I’m here writing instead of sitting in therapy right now is because I didn’t actually see these headless goldfish at the time. Unfortunately, my dad missed one headless goldfish which had fallen behind the pool, and I had the great misfortune of noticing it when I went outside with my tray of grapefruit a week later.

(Needless to say, I couldn’t finish that tray of goldfish-colored fruit.)

We know for a fact that raccoons were responsible for this mass murder. Specifically, the two raccoons who are always in our yard at inappropriate times, driving our dog nuts just as we’re about to enter the deepest level of sleep around 4 a.m.

Have you ever wanted to see the face of a mass murderer? Here you go:

Look, don’t be fooled by their big eyes, chocolate button nose, long whiskers and teeny paws. Raccoons are cute, but they’re also jerks. They have no sense of decency. Who steals someone’s pets, noms off their heads and leaves the rest behind for the pet owner to dispose of? RACCOONS, THAT’S WHO. Heartless wankers.

Among my many talents, I can also speak Raccoon. Here’s what transpired between the three of us while I was busy taking photos of them…

Raccoon 1: “What is she doing?”
Raccoon 2: “Beats me. What’s that thing she’s pointing at us? Think it’s dangerous?”

I kept taking pictures until the leader of the troublemaking duo, George, started getting snippy with me. He was mumbling something about having to call his agent about an unsolicited photoshoot until I shut him up good with a HELLO JERKFACE, YOU ARE ON MY PRIVATE PROPERTY SO I CAN SHOOT YOU ALL I WANT, KTHXBYE. I don’t think he was too happy with my response though, because he began to climb down the tree, puffing up and hissing at me as if he was going to come down and kick my ass.

Hehehehe, do you think I’m scared?

(I went inside and googled if a raccoon had ever attacked a human a human before, just in case. Then I came back out. You can never be too safe.)

Raccoon 1 to raccoon 2: “Fred, I’m outta here. This is totally not what I signed up for when I agreed to stay up all day with you.”

Fred and George were not available for further comment.