So I was talking to a friend of mine Sunday morning after church.  I say he’s a friend of mine, but in actuality he’s more of an acquaintance seeing as how I only see him on Sundays…Actually, some Sundays I don’t see him at all.  I’m guessing maybe I see him once or twice a month.  He’s a nice guy, very friendly.  What I’m getting at is that I’ve seen and have known him for several months now, but I see him on such a limited basis that I don’t remember his name and I feel that our relationship has gone past that point where it would be “okay” for me to say to him, “I’m sorry, but I’ve forgotten your name.  Could you tell me what your name is again please.”  Ouch, right?  Awkward.

I’m guessing at this point your thinking one of two things, the first being, “Ah, that’s okay, Chris.  That happens to the best of us.  Don’t feel bad.”  The other thing you might be thinking is, “What a jerk face.  He can’t remember his friends name after several months.  Chris Cabe is a big jerk face and if he were here right now I’d call him a jerk face right to his face…then I’d call him Philip, just to be ironical!”

I remembered my friend's name!

I got to talking with my friend this past Sunday and I just said under my breath, kind of timid like, “Hi how are you doing, Ben.”  I didn’t say the whole sentence under my breath and timid like, that would be a bit creepy.  No, I just said the the name timidly: Ben.  I thought his name was Ben, so I took a shot to see if it would stick.  The conversation continued without a hitch.  As we talked I thought to myself, “You go, Chris.  You went for it and hit the bulls-eye.  Knocked it out of the park you did.”  I don’t even remember what we were talking about I was so in awe of myself.  “Okay Chris, reel it in here…you’re still in the midst of a conversation.  You probably should concentrate on listening.  Pay attention so you can answer/interact intelligently”, I thought to myself.  I listened.  I interacted.  I even threw out another “Ben” with slightly less reserve than before.

Well, toward the end of the conversation my friend Ben told me his name was Bill.  “No!  Chris, you moron!”, I thought to myself.  How could this happen to me?  I turned beet red, had instant sweats, hyperventilated and passed out right where I stood.  My friend Be–errr, Bill rushed to get me a glass of water.  After about ten minutes or so I came to and my friend Bill and I had a big laugh about the whole episode.  Well…aside from the “me turning beet red” part of the story none of that really happened, but in my minds eye I was dealt a heavy blow.  I got that blue, sinking feeling.  As a result of this social interactivity debacle I’ve decided to introduce the Ben/Jen rule.

Blue, sinking feeling. What a social disaster that was!

The Ben/Jen rule put simply is that if I don’t remember your name, from now on I’m just going to say confidently, “Hi, Ben (Jen if female).  How are things?”  I figure, Ben and Jen are common enough names, I might just get it right.  If not, I will have said it so confidently it will play off better than the awkwardly timid, under-the-breath, “Hi _{(Insert uncertain name here.)}, how are you?”  If someone called me Ben with confident bravado I don’t think I would be offended.  I think Ben is a rather stately name.  I wouldn’t mind being a Ben for someone if they needed me to be.

Currently the “Ben/Jen Rule” as I have dubbed it is in it’s Shakedown period and I have as yet not given it a try.  In addition to my new rule I’m also going to try to remember names better by making a conscious effort to listen intently to someone as they say their name to me in the midst of an introduction.  Given these two methods I should have all my bases covered.

The Ben/Jen Rule in Action

If you’re like me and forget the names of people you’ve met before routinely, I encourage you to give the “Ben/Jen Rule” a try and let me know how it goes.  If you try it out and it works like a charm I’d like to hear about it.  If you give it a go and it turns into a horrible disaster go ahead and blame me for convincing you to try such a fool-hardy idea.  My name’s, Ben.

Have you ever been in the grocery store parking lot and watched as a customer parks a grocery cart next to their car, places the grocery bags into their car, and then proceeds to leave the cart a few feet from their car, say in the parking space right next to their vehicle?  Seeing people do this perturbs me a bit.  After putting my bags in my car I always try and place the cart in the cart return, but I’ve noticed at the grocery store I frequent the cart returns seem to be placed for the grocery workers convenience and not the convenience of the customers.  Conspiracy?  I think so, and I’m crying foul.

The store has two entrances and very close to each of these entrances are two cart returns. All the grocery workers have to do is walk across a two lane driveway and collect the carts. There are other cart returns scattered throughout the lot but these are a country mile from either entrance and are therefore hardly ever used. The locations of the cart returns create a “stranded cart” zone in the middle of the parking lot.

Makeshift cart return

Many grocers parked in this zone look around and realize that the nearest cart return is in Eritrea and decide to use vegetation “islands” in the parking lot to secure their empty carts.  These “islands” are just random curbed-off spots throughout the parking lot that have a few trees on them to beautify the otherwise barren, desolate expanse that is the grocery store parking lot.  After all, securing a cart to one of these curbed islands is better than leaving an empty cart in the middle of the lot.  It prevents carts from rolling away and hitting parked cars.

"Ugh...where is the cart return?"

I’ve been one of those grocery store shoppers that has unloaded the cart, strapped my child into her car seat, looked up and realized, “I don’t even see a cart return.”  Even still, as far as I can remember I haven’t just abandoned my cart or made use of the vegetation islands in the parking lot to secure my cart.  Out of obligation, I always walk the empty cart to the nearest cart return, which usually is the cart return located 15 paces from the entrance to the store.  I’ve now learned to 1st unload my cart of groceries, then return the cart with my daughter, and finally strap my young one up for the ride home.

Figure 1: my calculations

Montevideo, Uruguay

I’m no brain scientist, but I think cart returns should be in the middle region of the parking lot.  Such a design would be of benefit to both supermarket workers and the shoppers.  Shoppers wouldn’t have to walk to practically the entrance of the store to return a cart and workers wouldn’t have to collect the abandon carts off the “vegetation islands” in the middle of the lot.  Such a change would make roses grow straighter and fuller and, by my calculations (see figure 1), would decrease global warming by 1º F every April 22nd in Montevideo, Uruguay (I know right now your telling yourself, “He didn’t just go there.” and I’m saying, “Oh, yes I DID just go there.”)

My daughter has one of the most generous grandmothers.  She has really been a big help to my wife and me when we first made the move to Washington and she continues to help in any way she can.  Many times when we’re all traveling together on an outing or “eating out” she’ll offer to pay, and she will sincerely have the desire to pay when she makes the offer, but she has an uncanny ability to offer to pay and then “accidentally” find herself unable to pay.  She has been able to pull off this maneuver so frequently and in so many different ways that our response has become one of amusement and fascination.  I’m now of the mind that she is some sort of seasoned veteran of this very unique art form; a Jedi master of the “I’ll pay, oh I can’t pay!” slight of hand.  Listed below are a few of the techniques she has mastered.

1. The “I forgot my wallet at home” technique

"Oh silly me, I've forgotten my wallet at home!"

Not much to this one.  We’re at a restaurant and she reaches for the bill while the words, “I’ll get this one.” escape her lips.  She could be totally sincere and I’ll still pull out my wallet, because I know her to be a master of the “I forgot my wallet at home” double take.  Her generosity is legendary, but on this occasion it cannot manifest itself monetarily.  “Next time I’ll get it, Chris.  You remind me.”  Roger that, master…Jedi master…and poof I’ve forgotten what we we’re talking about.

2. The “I’ll pay with my Starbucks card, oh no!…It’s empty” technique

Okay, so we’re all in a Starbucks on a cold wet day and our little 3-year-old is asking grandma very sweetly, “chocolate milk please, gwanma.” (still working on those pesky R’s)  Grandma would like to treat us all to a tasty Starbucks beverage using her Starbucks card.  We are putty in her hands and fall hook, line and sinker.  The cashier takes her card and low and behold the card has 36 cents left on it.  At this point both Grandma and I reach for our wallets.  Guess where Grandma’s wallet is? (Hint: refer to technique 1)  “I’ll pick this one up, Grandma.”, thinking to myself, “She’s a genius and I fell right into that one.”

3. The “I have my credit card but I don’t have my ID” technique

This one’s kind of interesting.  We’re sitting in a drive-thru and Grandma offers to pay.  She passes up a credit card she has pulled out of either her pocket or her mythical wallet.  I don’t see how this could possibly go south.  For some reason I turn the card over and notice that the signature reads, “See ID”.

“See ID?”, I turn back and ask with a puzzled look on my face. She explains that She read or saw on TV somewhere that signing a credit card with this is safer for the card holder.  She proceeds to do the fake pat of her pockets to appear to be looking for her ID.  Well played, Grandma.  Well played.

4. The “I gave up spending money for lent” technique

This past year Grandmother decided to give up spending money for lent and so, for 40+ days, she commenced to eat random packages of food she found deep in her freezer and canned goods covered with dust found in the dark recesses of her pantry.  She also welcomed the generosity of her friends and family on occasion, and we were happy to take her out for a few meals during her endeavor to refrain from spending in the days leading up to Easter.

She is one of a kind; a marvel to behold really, and she has much to teach us.  I actually look forward to seeing what new and unique methods of evasion she has in store for us in the coming days and months.  The funny thing is she herself has no idea what her next new technique will be until we happen to be in the midst of the situation.  It’s as if she has some sort of mystical “force” flowing through her.

Note: This piece was written with love, respect and admiration for…and permission from my mother-in-law, who in all seriousness is quite generous and I’ll frown in the general direction of anyone who says otherwise.

Several people I know have seen the preview for the upcoming movie 2012 and have said things like “That movie’s gonna be terrible”, “That’s just over the top ridiculous.”, or “That looks so lame.”; but I’m of the opinion that impending disaster movies are exciting and fun to watch and I’m kind of looking forward to this addition to the genre.  After all it’s based on actual events that are likely to happen.

To those that don’t know, the Mayan Calendar ends on December 21, 2012 and to date the Mayan calendar has never been incorrect.  It signaled events like the invention of the piano,  the Grover Cleavland mayorship of Buffalo,  and the Crystal Pepsi failure.  In fact Nostradamus declared in quatrain 89 line 3:

Thou thinkest me full of it?, cast your gaze on the Mayan clock! - Nostradamus*

Crystal Pepsi Fate Fortold

Upon closer examination of the date, scientists tell us that there will be all sorts of astronomical alignments.  I’m trying to recall what I heard from a documentary I saw on television awhile back about the subject.  I think it said something like Ursa Major will line up with Jupiter, the Milky Way Galaxy will be in perfect alignment with the sun, Orion will mount Taurus and begin to swing his sword, and Bonnie Tyler will again experience a “total eclipse of the heart”.  I think the show ended with an infomercial selling a 2012 disaster preparedness kit.

Mayan Calendar "page 2" discovery, "Ha, those Mayan sure gave us all a fright" - Some scientist

So news flash: disaster strikes all mankind on December 21, 2012.  The big question is, what happens on December 22, 2012?  Does the universe start contracting?  Does the earth enter a second Ice Age?  Does an archeologist discover a “second page” to the Mayan calendar?  Perhaps a deus ex machina? Enter the upcoming documentary film 2012 staring John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Amanda Peet.  I mean if the world is going to align itself with Mars, Saturn and Algol and then disintegrate on all of us why not make a blockbuster film to commemorate the event?

2012 promises to be a disaster movie of the greatest pedigree, attempting feats that other disaster movies just didn’t have the stomach for.  For instance, has anyone ever attempted to destroy Los Angeles and crumble the remains into the ocean?  I haven’t seen it.  Independence Day blew up the U.S. Bank Tower in the middle of town with a big blue laser, which was cool to watch, but was not as gutsy as the mass destruction displayed in the 2012 preview.  A few movies have destroyed the planet outright, but I don’t think I’ve seen a destructive tale presented in such vivid detail as the upcoming 2012.

I think a recent post I saw on YouTube might have said it best, stating simply:

movies gonna be epic - PredatoryEagle101

The only thing I can think to add to P’s assessment is this: Few people realize that when pricked with a needle, the word “awesome” bleeds the movie 2012.

So is the movie over-the-top ridiculous? I suppose it might be, but let me ask you this: when you’re whacking at a piñata do you want to merely break a hole in the side and let the candy trickle out, or do you want to land a colossal blow and see hundreds of pieces of candy expand into the air and then fall to the ground?

*I just made this up, but the rest of this commentary is spot on.**

**Not really.

I was driving the other day and happened to witness a traffic enigma of sorts. I’ve only been a part of one of these puzzles once in all my years of driving and this particular instance was only my second time to actually witness the event; which is not to say that these phenomena happen infrequently. I may just not have been paying attention or I might not live in the right area of town. Whatever the reason is, I’ve only seen two.

Okay, with that said, I’m going to try and describe what this enigma entails. The driving circumstances need to be just right. Timing is critical. The set up involves at least two “victims of oblivity” being in the right place at the right time. I guess I’m being a bit cruel here calling two drivers “victims of oblivity” (I’m going to use the acronym VO from here on out. The acronym VOO is already taken and means something totally different.), but I’m at a loss for a term that describes a person that drives into the middle of an intersection when there is nowhere to go, and in so doing completely blocks the intersection. Perhaps it’s an innocent mistake.  Maybe these VOs are just ignorant to their surroundings at an inopportune moment in time (I’ve actually been one of these guys once or twice I’m ashamed to say.).  Maybe they’re running 5 minutes behind and think that it will be better for them to wait in the middle of traffic than at the appropriate stopping position.  Whatever the case, when these VOs do what they do, frustration erupts within surrounding vehicles.  Eventually a light turns green, traffic starts moving, and gradually the congested intersection clears up.  That is, unless there exists a second VO obstructing another nearby intersection.

The phenomena occurs when two VOs do their thing simultaneously, on the same stretch of road, but going the opposite direction whereby completely stopping traffic flow (See figure 1).

Figure 1

The event often happens at an interstate overpass (or underpass) where there exists two left turn lanes, side-by-side.  There are two rows of cars, one going one way, one going the other.  Both rows of cars are at an impasse because the lead car of both rows of traffic wants to turn left but cannot because a car has driven into the intersection and has blocked all traffic turning left.  The lights may change from red to green and back to red again and the vehicles remain gridlocked.  I believe the only solution to the mess is for one or more drivers to forfeit their desire to turn left and make a lane change to the right, whereby allowing one of the VOs in the middle of an intersection to travel beyond the intersection and free up space for another vehicle to make a successful left hand turn.  Once this is accomplished, the flow of traffic can slowly begin to move again and the phenomena evaporates into ordinary, boring, free-flowing traffic.

The one time I was a part of one of these I remember being quite frustrated to the point of pulling my hair out.  This last time I merely witnessed the phenomena, but was not an active member.  Seeing the mess in front of me was a somewhat enjoyable experience; like finding a four leaf clover, seeing a rainbow, or achieving a “tetris” in the classic computer game, Tetris (completing four rows at once).  The phenomena I’m witnessing is a man-made rarity, perhaps something to be marveled.  A traffic knot that will hold traffic in place until “loosened” by removing one or more vehicles.

Man-Made Marvels

In the time since I’ve seen this rare occurrence I’ve noticed other intersections such as the one below that appear to be designed to avoid the dreaded traffic knot of which I describe.  One direction of traffic still has to make a left turn through oncoming traffic, but the other direction of traffic averts the hassle and is provided a right hand turn option that loops around and gets them going in the desired direction.

Traffic Knot Evasion

The next time I find myself in one of these “Traffic Knot Enigmas” (What do you call these anyway?), I’d like to think that I’d consider it a rare privilege to be a part of such an event…that is, if I’m not in any great rush to get anywhere.  If that not be the case, I’ll probably resort to pulling my hair out in frustration.  Has anyone else been in or seen one of these things?

Canyon Ridge Trailhead

My daughter recently received a brand new pair of hiking boots from her grandmother, so on September 25^th, 2009 I decided to take her on a hiking adventure. This wasn’t our first hiking expedition. In fact, over the past several months we’ve had numerous outdoor explorations, and this particular outing would be a trial of the new boots. I thumbed through my Whatcom County hiking guide (a Christmas gift from my wife) and, based on a small black and white pic placed amongst the text, I decided on a destination called Canyon Ridge. It looked like it was pretty and we hadn’t been there before. We set out at about 10am (an early start for the two of us).

The road we took initially was route 542.  At around mile marker 32 we took a turn onto a one lane road that wound up the side of a ridge.  We followed this path for about seven miles and enjoyed the sites.  About halfway up we came across a park ranger who was stopped next to a pickup truck.  I thought our journey was over.  I rolled my window down and asked the officer if the road was closed off, but he told me that it wasn’t and that they were just speaking to the hunters about how their day was going.  “Hmm, a hunter area”, I thought to myself.  We continued our drive.

After following the 7 mile one lane road we began a 7 mile trek up a rough gravelly dirt road.  Shortly after turning onto the gravel road I told my 3-year-old passenger in the back seat, “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”  She assured me that it was and we continued on our journey.  The going was pretty slow at this point driving in a Honda on a road that was not constructed with Hondas in mind.  There were some spots that were a bit dicier than others, but about halfway up I heard the voice of reassurance from the back seat, “I like this place, Daddy.”  A little more than two hours from our 10am start we arrived at the Canyon Ridge Trail-head.

"Red" Berries

Climbing out of the car after such a long and arduous drive I think both my daughter and I felt a sense of accomplishment.  Surveying our surroundings we were eagerly looking forward to a hike in the wild expanses that lay all around us.  We both started down the trail, each with a grin on our faces.  Almost from the get go we stumbled across some pretty red berries of which my daughter was eager to sample.  “We probably shouldn’t eat those.  They might make us sick.  I’m just not sure what kind of berries those are, Sweety.”  I explained.  “They are red berries, Dad.” was her reply.  I found myself stumped and speechless, as I often do when I converse with this little one.  I took a picture of the berries and that seemed to suffice.  We continued down the trail.

My daughter often likes to discover mushrooms on our hikes so I was keen to show her all that I stumbled upon, being quick to point out that mushrooms we find on nature trails are not for eating either.  Continuing on, we discovered several more berry plants, flowers and varieties of mushrooms.

Pink Mushroom

Tree Mushrooms

Small Mushroom

After a good 30 or 40 minutes of hiking, my daughter wanted to be carried on my shoulders.  I obliged and we continued down the trail enjoying the sites, scents, and blue skies.  The trail began to wind downward along the ridge.  At a bend in the trail we stumbled upon an empty Oberto jerky bag and a pile of discarded animal entrails.  I put two and two together and figured we were in hunter territory.  I decided to turn back and head to the car, taking pictures of the sites along the way.

Arriving back at the car, we took a few more pictures, got strapped in and started our descent.  Heading down the gravel road I decided to time our journey from trail-head to paved road.  The seven-mile journey took us a good 45 minutes, granted I stopped a few times to take pictures.

About mid-way down the one lane road we drove up on a truck that was stopped with it’s passengers standing along the side of the road.  When they saw us drive up they got back in and drove for a bit.  After going a little further I noticed a larger bird fly in front of their truck.  The truck stopped and the driver jumped out.  He was handed a shotgun and he proceeded to take a shot at the bird that had just flown away.  He walked around to the back of his truck and took another shot in the direction of the bird.  I looked back at my daughter who was sleeping soundly and then looked again at the man with the shotgun thinking, “Hrmm…we might be stuck in the middle of the road for awhile.”  I was also thinking, “Is jumping out of your car and shooting at a bird from the roadside legal?”  About that time the truck passenger jumped out and climbed into the driver’s seat, drove up a bit, and let us pass.  We continued our journey down the ridge.  I kind of wish I had taken a picture of the guy shooting from the road right in front of us, but I think if he had seen me take a picture that might have gotten us in a sticky situation I didn’t really want to be in.

We finally made our way to one lane pavement, which in turn led to route 542.  Slowly the scenic views gave way to civilization and other people.  Our adventure was coming to its conclusion.  We arrived at home around 4:30pm.  I think next time I’ll look a little closer at the description of how difficult a destination is to get to, but I’m sure glad we made the trek…and made it back safe and sound.

The Mysterious Disney Vault

As a father of a young daughter I’ve become increasingly intrigued by the Disney Vault.  Every time we’re at the store I’m always curious as to see what new movie has made it out of the mysterious vault and on to the shelves, and with all the mystery surrounding the vault, one thing is relatively certain…Song of the South will never be released on DVD.

I was in the store just this past week and I saw what appeared to be a DVD copy of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I got a bit excited, because my daughter really enjoys this movie (we’ve checked out the library copy.  The library copy is a bit sketch and doesn’t play very well; skips and stops and what have you.). Upon closer inspection of the DVD box I finally figured out that the box was just something you could bring to the front of the store and buy to reserve your copy of a new “Diamond Edition” of the Disney classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The actual movie is set to come out on Blue Ray/DVD October 6th.

Diamond Edition watch

The Diamond Edition!?  Diamond Edition?  I guess someone had to be the first to be ballsy enough to go there.  I think up until now a product had to be covered in actual diamonds to be considered a diamond edition.  To even contemplate the creation of something as flawless and brilliant as to be classified as a “Diamond” edition baffles and astounds.  The mere attempt is awe inspiring.  I’m guessing credit cards, video games and gym memberships will follow suit.  I’m also guessing the Diamond Edition of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will undoubtedly clean my house for me, scratch my back, make me a tuna sandwich at the exact moment I begin to have a craving for one and complete me in all areas in which my life is lacking.  Maybe at the very least the new “Diamond Edition” will clean my DVD player and allow me to change Snow White’s hairstyle.  Diamond Edition.  Diamond Edition, are you kidding me?  Where else is there to go beyond Diamond, the hardest natural material known to man.  This Disney Blue Ray/DVD crafted to “Diamond”esque quality is sure to knock the socks off of both you and me.

Socks gone!

Experiencing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs through the eyes of Sleepy Dwarf

So what will this “Diamond” Edition have that previous versions did not?  Well, I found a list of some of the features here, but I think Disney has some extra surprises up their sleeve for this “Diamond” of a film release.  Below is list of features sure to be on the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Diamond Edition Blue Ray/DVD.

How about viewing the movie from the perspective of each character in the film?  Until now I’ve merely sat and watched Disney’s first animated full length feature film.  Once the Diamond Edition comes out that’s all gonna change.  I’d like to experience the story unfold as seen through the eyes of each individual character, a feature undoubtedly a part of the version to end all versions.

What's this guys deal?

The new edition will have fully animated back-stories for each of the characters.  What’s the back story for that dude sent to kill Snow White?  Is his name Henry?  What does he do in his spare time?  What are his hobby’s?  Does he like his toilet paper to roll over or under?  Rest assured all will be revealed in the larger than life “Diamond” Edition.

Every aspect of the production process will be a part of the new version.  What did Walt Disney have for breakfast on the 52nd day of production?  Was it a rainy day when animator Robert Stokes drove to work on production day 18?  What color was his car?  Did the brakes in his car stick?  All these will be answered.  “Bah, surely not!” says you.  “This isn’t the platinum edition.”, says I.  “Why did you go all pirate talk just then?”, says you.  “I digress.”, says I.

The big question is, how long will we be afforded this new bejeweled edition of the Disney classic?  Hopefully the new edition will be allowed to stay on shelves for more than a few weeks, but with Disney who really knows.  We may just get one shot at this and then it’ll be back into the vault for 5 years?  10 years?  If you have a clue, then your guess is better than mine.

Often a Bad Decision: Driving and Eating

My wife and I recently took a weekend road trip to Seattle, WA. We were in a bit of a rush to get down there to see a play so we decided to go through a drive through and eat our meal on the road. Since I was driving and because it was raining that day I joked with my wife that I was going to order the “Neat and Tidy” burger and just see what they gave me. Pulling up to the drive-through speaker I tried to select the neatest, tidiest burger I could find…I chose the Guacamole Bacon Burger. My reasoning was that guacamole has a thicker viscosity than mustard, ketchup or Thousand Island dressing. As we left the Carl’s Jr. I was feeling pretty good about my decision.

Upon closer inspection of the Guacamole Bacon Burger, I could tell I had made a fatal error in judgment. There seemed to be a secret second sauce that slipped my notice when I was ordering. The extra sauce might have been Thousand Island dressing or a mystery mayonnaise. Either way the enigmatic sauce totally negated my viscosity calculations and in short, completely messified my “Neat and Tidy”.

The "Neat and Tidy" Burger?...What was I thinking?!

As I turned onto the rain-laden interstate that looked something like this, I came to the conclusion that I could not safely ingest the meal I had just purchased. My wife ended up feeding me the giant mess of a burger as I drove, but this got me thinking; what really is the neatest and tidiest burger you can find? and are burgers the neatest of foods for driving down the interstate, or is there something even more fit for the task?

Burger Analysis

As far as burgers go, I’m thinking the McDonald’s cheeseburger is the neatest, tidiest burger to eat while driving down the interstate. The cheeseburger is slightly tidier than the hamburger equivalent because the cheese in the McCheeseburger acts as a mortar that holds the burger structure together.  The Burger King counterpart is “a brick” of a sandwich and fares well during interstate travel as well.  The downside to the Burger King cheeseburger is that you’ll probably end up with a lap full of sesame seeds.  I’ve found the Wendy’s burgers to be greasier than the McDonald’s and Burger King burgers.  The Wendy’s burger patties are also square and thus present an extra element of awkwardness while driving down the road.

McDonald's Cheeseburger	Burger King Cheeseburger
Mouthwatering: Cringe	Portability: You betcha!

A new trend among fast food chains is the tiny burgers.  Burger King and Jack in the Box both have tiny burger offerings that would probably be good choices for in-the-car meals.  Burger’s with lettuce and tomatoes provide more of a challenge.  And finally, the burgers that are excessively large, have lettuce and tomatoes and have multiple sauces dripping out of them (i.e. the Guacamole Bacon Burger) I have determined to be worst travel burgers.

Beyond Burger Analysis

Are burgers the best alternative when it comes to travel food? Applying a little research (just sitting in my chair thinking), I’ve come to the conclusion that a plain cake doughnut hole is the the neatest and tidiest food to eat while driving down the interstate.  I’ve compiled a chart to illustrate which foods are good choices for interstate travel and which choices are “invitations to disaster”.

Note that once you get into foods that require utensils, there is a significant and sudden increase in the amount of danger you have placed yourself (and those driving around you) in.  Also notice that at that point it doesn’t really matter whether you are driving and automatic or a standard; your middle name is “Danger”.  I have deemed soups to be the most dangerous of all foods to eat while driving.  Although, thinking it through now, I suppose if you got one of those “Soup at Hand” cups and eliminated the need for a spoon, soup might be a viable option.

Not my Nemesis?

So, I’m a few years past 30 and I met my nemesis the other day. I always thought it would be a machine-gun-toting dragon or a robot with a handlebar mustache and monocle. But no, my nemesis, as it turns out, is a recipe for butternut squash Ravioli found in Good Housekeeping (March 2009). Looking back on it, the dinner should have turned out fine. I’m looking down at the recipe and I’m seeing phrases like “Cheater’s guide to Ravioli”, “Active time: 30 minutes”, and “cut the prep time by more than an hour”. Hmm…I’m actually thinking about getting up and trying it again.

The Recipe

In one regard the Ravioli experiment of ‘09 was a success…we ate it and didn’t go for takeout afterward. Other than that the Ravioli was a disastrous debacle. I started to get slightly nervous when the recipe told me to separate an egg white. I know, I know…it’s easy and I didn’t have too much trouble (I got it on the second egg).  I really started to sweat it when the recipe called for a paint brush.  I thought to myself, “Well crap, that’s the end of that recipe.  I don’t have a paintbrush in my kitchen drawers.”  About that time my wife came in and asked how it was going.  I informed her of my dilemma.  Two minutes later my wife had produced a clean, brand-new paintbrush that was just the right size.  Recipe back on.

This next part was easy.  I placed the Ravioli stuffing in the center of a wonton noodle square, painted egg white along the edges and then placed another wonton square on top.  Bam! homemade Ravioli!  I placed the finished Ravioli squares on a baking sheet to dry for 30 mins.  A few of the wonton squares split open slightly due to excessive stuffing, but I was thinking, all-in-all, things are going pretty well.  I waited for the Raviolis to dry.

The next part got pretty dicey.  I began boiling some water for the noodles.  Once the water was boiling I started scrapping Ravioli’s off of the baking sheets and became frustrated by the fact that some of the Ravioli’s had stuck to the pan and were coming apart upon scrape off.  Argh! but oh well…time for the next bit of the recipe: browning butter.

Note to self: recipes with words like “meanwhile” denote recipes of some advancement.  While the Ravioli was boiling I started browning butter and slicing sage to place in the buttery mixture.  Once the butter was browned and ready, I began to remove the Ravioli from the boiling water one at a time, draining each one and then placing the Raviolis in the butter mixture to coat them with delicious buttery sage sauce.

Everything sort of disintegrated to oblivion when I tried to transfer the noodles out of the boiling water.  Many of the Raviolis had fallen apart and had lost their stuffing in the water.  In addition, I didn’t really have a good tool for getting the Ravioli out of the water and burnt my hand a time or two.  Also, I hadn’t made enough of the butter mixture to accommodate my many Ravioli pieces.  Consequently, several of the Raviolis we ate didn’t have the proper nummy taste I was hoping for.  When all of the Ravioli and Ravioli pieces had been transferred to our plates we each had an unappetizing pile of limp wonton noodle slop.

Eating through the concoction I had just made, there were moments where I could taste potential, but for the most part it wasn’t all that great and the rest of the family agreed.  In regards to my cooking endeavors, I feel like I took too many steps forward and am now thinking about taking a few steps back.  I foresee peanut butter sandwiches, warmed up chicken nuggets and hot dogs in my near future.  Maybe at some point I’ll take on this adversary again, but for now I’m going to retreat to safer terrain.  Hitting a new culinary low, I wrote a limerick to commemorate my butternut squash Ravioli disaster.

Mike’s provides a response to Coors Light’s recent ad campain, “Look our mountains turn blue when our beer is cold.”