Chris Connolly Online

#118 - Breaking News: Black Face Is Offensive!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:34:00 +0000

Yes, even your hilarious use of black face.

#117 - Bull Dallying: Kinder Than Bull Fighting, But Not Much

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:17:00 +0000

No matter where you stand on the propriety or impropriety of bullfighting, one thing is pretty much indisputable: It's no fun for the bull. Also unfun, but considerably less stabby, is the up-and-coming sport called "bull dallying," or, to use a word from this century, "bull teasing."

Check out more, plus my list of "Bull Snaps" here.

#117 - Squirrel on Squirrel Crime Must Be Stopped!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:25:00 +0000

Squirrels need to chill out, man.

#116 - Serena Williams Nudes Up For ESPN

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:48:00 +0000

ESPN finally got one right putting Serena Williams on the cover of their Body Issue. She, and the other athletes they photographed, look stunning.

#115 - Be F**king Awesome! Be It! Now!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:19:00 +0000

Great new twitter like site which only focuses on the awesome in life. befuckingawesome.com. Read all about it!

#114 - My First Post for Asylum.com

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 18:52:00 +0000

So, as you may know, after a few months of plugging away on this website I've been hired as lead blogger for AOL's Asylum.com. You can look for a lot of your favorite CCOL items to make their way over there now, since, well, they're paying me for them.

To check out my first story (I'm the editor, not author) surf over here and enjoy. I hope you'll all share asylum.com with all your friends and relations and check in frequently for my six posts per day!

#113 - Now That's a Sign of Honesty

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 23:58:00 +0000

So, yes, it's been a while. But I'm very wrapped up in book stuff right now. Still, when I saw this sign I had to share.

#112 - Here's a Headline I'm Not That Psyched About...

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:56:00 +0000

NASA Falling Short of Asteroid Detection Goals!

Dear NASA Guys and Gals:
Can I just be the first to urge you to STEP IT THE FUCK UP?!?! This is important! This IS rocket Science, or the closest thing to it, and you're the best we've got. Look, according to that story "The United States is the only country that currently has an operating survey/detection program for discovering near-Earth objects." So.... GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! Look into my eyes! Right here! I need your attention RIGHT HERE! Listen to the sound of my voice: There. Is. No. Wiggle. Room. On. This. One. I don't care have goddamn long you've been up! Fix this!

And where the hell is China on this thing? Look, the Chinese are just getting their shit together and now they're going to ignore this? I mean, you can only logically conclude that an asteroid strike would kill a lot more Chinese people than anyone else so... WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEIR SCIENTISTS?

Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't yell.

Look, I'm passionate about this because I care. Okay. I know. I'm sorry I lost my temper. I know it's not productive and it throws you off your game. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look. Come out from under your desk. Please. Please. There's no time to waste. There you go. Can I get you something? A Mountain Dew? A tea? An ergonomic backrest thing? I really need your best work on this one. You're okay? Good. Carry on then. You're doing great. Let me know if you need anything. Anything at all. I'll just stand over here to the side and watch you work.

#111 - A Salute to Brooms

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:08:00 +0000

BROOM (bro̵̅o̅m, bro̵om)
A bundle of long, stiff fibers or straws (originally twigs of broom) fastened to a long handle, used for sweeping. In baseball, when the home team is close to accomplishing a sweep (having won the first two games of a three game series or the first three games of a four game series) some fans will bring brooms to the ballpark and brandish them as a way of taunting the other team.

Nimbus 2000, a very fine flying broom used for playing quidditch.

A nice selection of household brooms.

These brooms would be good for a small shop or business.

Couples jump over these wedding brooms in African marriage ceremonies.

These are larger "push" brooms and some squeegees.

#110 - Now You Know...

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Saw the graphic above this afternoon. It's available as a t shirt. Very clever. Is it me or are 80-85% of people around my age now running ironic t shirt companies? How did I miss this trend? How can I get a job designing ironic t shirts? Well, consider this my online audition. Here's an 80s-themed ironic graphic just right for your next t shirt. (Click on the graphic to expand.) I can be contacted through this site.

#109 - FABULOUS OFFER!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:30:00 +0000

How's the economy doing? Judging by the offer I got this AM, I'd say it's looking up!

In case you don't know how my particular brand of travel writing works, I am (how you say in English?) a prostitute. Basically, travel companies, tourism boards, television stations and magazines pay for me to go places and say nice things about them. I'm not a critic. I'm not interested in the downsides of things. When I travel, I look for the unique and wonderful parts of the experience and I try to convey them to my readers.

While this is obviously HUGE amounts of fun, it's not really the most lucrative way of doing business, so I rely on these companies and media outlets to fund my trips. (Otherwise, I'd wind up paying $10,000 to research a story for which I'd be paid $1500.) Unfortunately, with the state of the economy right now, the offers have been few and far between, so this morning, when I was sleepily sipping a cup of coffee and reading my emails, I was pretty psyched to spy a message with the header “Tierra Del Fuego Press Trip Offer.”

I eagerly maximized the message to read the details and the following is what I encountered: (Note, I have changed the geographical specifics of this offer so as not to embarrass anyone, but nothing else has been altered.)

"On August 7th, 2009 we have a couple of last minute openings on our Tierra Del Fuego Unbound Adventure."

Oh hell yeah! That's right in my wheelhouse, baby!

"We are contacting you to offer a free press trip to this iconic destination."

Hello Tierra Del Fuego! Goobye economic downturn!

"There are two spots available. These could be used by a qualified writer/photographer team, or simply two qualified writers. There are quite a few angles that are press worthy with our adventure but we have found the best way for writers to find their own unique story is to experience our unique adventures first hand."

I love first hand. I'm all about first hand!

"You would be responsible for your own travel expenses to and from Tierra Del Fuego as well as the $100 Tierra Del Fuego Park Admission fee and a $250 admin fee."

So... if I pay to go on a Tierra Del Fuego Unbound Adventure I'm allowed to go on a Tierra Del Fuego Unbound Adventure? Well hot shit! Where do I sign?

I don't intend to be braggadocios, but it's obvious from this message that I am kind of a big deal. I mean, it's not every travel writer who gets personally invited to pay for a vacation to Tierra Del Fuego. You've got to have a certain degree of cache to be allowed to pay the same amount as everyone else to do the things everyone else can do. That kind of VIP access has to be earned, and offers this fabulous wouldn't be extended unless the economy was looking up.

So, let's all chill out. Everything's fine. If you were thinking about breastfeeding your starving neighbor in a barn, don't! The cogs and gears of industry are finally churning again and pretty soon we'll all be swimming in heaps of cash like little Scrooge McDucks. Oh, and to further underscore how Big Time I am, I was also recently contacted by the Burger King Corporation, via my television set, and they have invited me to visit any one of their fine restaurants across the country to purchase my choice of delicious sandwich items, sides and thirst quenching beverages. Laissez le bon temps roule!

If you'd like to read some of my travel stories, here are a few of my faves:

Cooking in the kitchen of Food and Wine Best New Chef Gavin Kaysen

Following the Iditarod

Sailing to Antarctica

#108 - Can You Say "Better Mousetrap?"

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:38:00 +0000

No? How about better key chain? Because that's what this is. I've written previously about my lifelong obsession with stripping down and and minimizing the things I carry with me. I'm always on the lookout for a smaller phone, a thinner wallet or a lighter key chain. So when I spotted Scott Amron's Split Key Ring--a key upon which you can keep your other keys--I sprang into action and ordered one. I love waiting for stuff in the mail, and I'm particularly psyched to get my new key.

In case you're curious, Mr. Amron's other inventions include a buoyant spoon...

a glass of water/clock that tells time via evaporation...

a toothbrush that redirects water for easy rinsing...

and whole bunch of products fabricated from non-conductive material that allow you to take advantage of your extra outlets.

While I was rereading my thoughts on carrying things I also spotted this little piece: 21 Ways To Thrive in the Recessed Economy. We probably need this information now more than ever so I'm posting it again.

21 Ways To Thrive in the Recessed Economy

1. If you can’t get bread to eat, just have some nice cake.

2. Next time someone gives you a fish, thank him, but then try to learn where he found it and how he managed to capture it.

3. Get you some pencils, put 'em in a cup, and sell 'em. Or apples. Apples is good sellin'.

4. Patronize uglier hookers.

5. Since you're NOT giving up happy hour, drink cocktails with some nutritional value: bloody marys, pina coladas, martinis with extra olives, etc.

6. All You Can Eat (Not a bargain, a CHALLENGE!)

7. Cut down on toilet paper expenditures by training your ass muscles to pinch off your poops clean, or...

8. ...shop your workplace for everyday items like toilet paper, light bulbs, plants, liquid hand soap, those brown paper towels, etc...

9. Learn to cook pets. Animal shelters are a great source of free exotic meats.

10. Babysit!

11. Go to your town’s financial district. Wait for the stockbrokers to start jumping out the windows. Take their watches and wallets.

12. Never stop breastfeeding.

13. Okay, this is kind of complicated. 1. Start a munitions and defense contracting company. 2. Make friends with highly-placed political insiders. 3. Get elected vice president of the United States. 4. Start a war. 5. Gently usher all munitions sales and defense contacts to the company from step 1. 6. Repeat steps 4 and 5.

14. If you work in an office, learn to eat non-dairy creamer.

15. Push your kid relentlessly until it either gets drafted by the Yankees, wins American Idol, or becomes Steven Speilberg's protégé.

16. When deciding which of your friends you will eat in a pinch, base your selection not on which friend you think would be the most delicious, but on which one will provide the most sustenance while requiring the least caloric expenditure to kill.

17. Find oil

18. Get a job as a janitor in a department store and work there until the son of a captain of industry takes a fancy to you and requests you as his birthday present. For a while, you’ll have problems suffering the indignity of serving as a human “toy,” but eventually, you’ll both learn a lot about the nature of friendship—and money can’t buy that kind of understanding.

19. Just lower the poverty line. Duh.

20. Warning: Do not cut off your hair to buy your husband a watch chain, because he already sold the watch to buy you a comb!

21. Get a totally better job that totally pays more.

[NOTE: This content produced for Desert Living Magazine]

#107 - I! LIVE!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:42:00 +0000

As none of you probably noticed my site's been down for a few days while I struggled to convince eNom and Google.com that I am, in fact, Chris Connolly, owner and proprietor of ChrisConnollyOnline.com and that I should be allowed to renew my domain name. Eventually, after many hours on the phone and much back and forth with both entities, I sent them this email:

Somehow that impassioned plea sparked something in the eNom guy's head and he came back to me this morning with a link that fixed everything in about 15 seconds. The link, essentially, was

www.themagiclinkwegiveyouafterthreedaysthatwecouldhavegivenyou
rightawaythatfixeseverythingin15seconds.com/google/a.

I don't want to dwell too much on this painful experience, so I'm just going to move on. (At least until next year when I get to do it all over again.) Anyhoo, if you missed it, please scroll down or click here to read about my new BFF, Nonplussed Toilet Paper Dispenser Alien.

And to celebrate my return, check out this tremendous new gallery of horrible tattoos I collected on the Internet. Also, I know it's going to sound like a fish tale, but I nearly nabbed a tremendous piece of original content while walking on the beach the other day. I passed by the woman pictured below and noticed she had a tattoo down her spine which read, in large letters: "This To Shall Pass"

I debated inwardly for the next hour or so how I could possibly get a picture of the tattoo. I didn't want to just take a picture and run, so eventually I put my beach bag down and pretended to be looking through it while I snapped away. Sadly, just as I pulled off my coup, the woman rolled over onto her back. My opportunity "to" had passed.

The one thing I thought about in her behalf was that maybe she was an enormous Buffalo Bills fan. (We were in New York after all.) Maybe, I thought, the tattoo was an attempt to register her displeasure at the signing of Terrell "T.O." Owens. Far fetched? Perhaps. But so is misspelling such a serious sentiment. Here's the rest of the collection.

Well, okay then.

One of the hallmarks of the really atrocious tattoo is an overarching sense of awfulness that runs all the way from concept to execution. This king dragon/dinosaur thing was a bad idea when it was kicking around in the dude's head, then it continued to be a bad idea when the guy sketched it out, and it went right on being a bad idea when the tattoo artist inked it on poorly. This tat wins the triple crown of bad tattooing.

And you can pretty much double everything I said above when it comes to Amorphous Grinning Mongoloid Tiger.

What? How? Why? I feel like this has to be the result of a lost bet. And if that's the case, the winner of this bet may be the coolest man or woman alive.

Sigh.

You know, if you go to the doctor and say, "Hey, I want you to re-route my colon so I can shit out of my armpit," the doctor doesn't have to do it. Why haven't tattoo artists embraced a similar philosophy?

This could be either a bad tattoo or a great one. If the guy's request was, "I want a tattoo of the saddest little fourth green in the world. I want it it be like the fourth hole that would have been on that tiny planet where the Little Prince lived," then this is damn near genius. Otherwise, it's crap.

I suppose by definition every tattoo artist has to produce his or her first tattoo. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it suck less if you're the one who gets it.

You are a winner. I want to hang out with you.

You are a loser and you're not invited to my party.

Just because something's sweet doesn't mean you need to drink it.

UnunderstandablE

Hey bro, nice font.

RELATED:

Misspelled Cakes
Contractor Errors I
Contractor Errors II
Orange Guidos
Protest Signs

#106 - Non-Plussed Toilet Paper Dispenser Alien

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 15:49:00 +0000

As some of you may have noticed something's gone awry with the domain name chrisconnollyonline, so, at least for the moment I'm going to be posting here at good ol' fthefollowing. I spent the last two days on the phone with tech support people trying to figure out how to BUY MY OWN F-ING DOMAIN NAME and no one can help me do it. Is there anything more annoying than when you're actually trying to give someone money and you can't?

Anyway, I was nearly appopleptic with fury during this process so I went out to run some errands. While I was doing this I went into the bathroom at our community center and made a wonderful discovery: Someone repositioned a toilet paper dispenser on the wall of one of the stalls and uncovered my new best friend in the whole wide world, Nonplussed Toilet Paper Dispenser Alien. MAN! I love NTPDA! I sat there for many long minutes explaining the problems with my domain name and he understood me completely. Oh, Nonplussed Toilet Paper Dispenser Alien, no one understands me the way you do.

#105 - Where is my blog? Why is it gone?

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:41:00 +0000

Hmm? Why?

#104 - New Construction Errors

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 17:32:00 +0000

Ask and ye shall receive. Herewith: A brand new collection of puzzling contractor and construction mistakes. If you spot your own, please email chrisconnollyonline@yahoo.com.

Hey, I'll be right there. I just need to wash my hands and then mop the floor.

Seriously, I would do this.

This kind of thing is not nearly as rare as you'd think.

This is one of those deals that starts as a temporary workaround, then, after six months, when everyone's used to it, it just kind of becomes permanent.

If you live in New York, this probably looks like a nice little place. Hey, you could keep your toiletries in the oven!

What makes this outstanding is the intricate, curved bricklaying to the right of the escalator. Yeah, cover it in bricks. It'll look fine.

If there's any justice in the world, this is the bottom of the escalator above.

IMPENETRABLE!

Hey! You got a flat screen! Sweet!

Waitaminute...

Handicapped people: You gotta want it!

Welcome to Hedgecock Estates.

C.H.U.D. scared me too, but I got over it before I was old enough to get a job with the city.

These are built fine, I just think it's weird they put the SUPER HOT bench so close to the SUPER COLD bench. I bet it's nice on the MILD bench in the middle though.

Luckily that house is inhabited by two extremely dedicated motorcyclists.

Look, my condolences on your daughter's passing, but there is a sign.

When you have a nice storefront like that, a saggy awning just won't do.

You know what? Why the hell not?

I guess for some people it never got much better than padding, stacking chairs, fans and giant pots.

Apologizing for Not Writing While You're On Vay-Kay Is Lame

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Gone to the Beach. Catching some tasty Waves. Having my boob grabbed by a shaven ape.

#102 - MARVELOUS COOKWARE OF SERPENTINE STONE. (USE EXPLANATION)

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:34:00 +0000

I went into an Asian market the other day (no, not the one that sells crickets) and I was looking at a cool piece of Korean cookware. It was basically a round, half-inch thick disc of granite about the same diameter as a frisbee that had two stainless steel handles embedded in the stone on either side. I imagine what you do with it is toss it over a fire, get it really hot, and then use it to cook those lovely marinated strips of short rib and other meats that the Koreans do so well.

I wasn't positive that's how the device was used so I flipped it over for further inspection and that's when I discovered there were instructions on the back.

"Ah, now we'll get to the bottom of this I thought!" But, well... take a look.

I'm not totally sure that's going to be much help to anyone. Let's take a closer look.

As I read and pondered, I noticed that the instructions were no longer adhering to the Marvelous Cookware of Serpentine Stone so I slipped them into my pocket. At first I felt kind of bad about stealing the instructions. Would the eventual purchaser of the Marvelous Cookware of Serpentine Stone know how to use the thing? Would he or she understand that "the food must be attention to not get bumed. /only cooking roast)"? But then I realized that Marvelous Cookware of Serpentine Stone cooking is something you can't be taught. It's like parsletounge: You're either born knowing that "it' s principle to get used to it to be pot stewed," or you aren't. Sadly, I wasn't. But if any of you out there can offer any more information please add it in the comments section below.

#101 - WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!? The Incredible Shrinking Water Bottle!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:55:00 +0000

Hey. How's your mind feeling? Is it blown? No? Well, if you want to keep it that way you'd better stop reading right now. See that inconspicuous little water bottle up there? Well it's not as mundane as it seems. In fact, it's probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life! Why? Because, until I left it in the car one sunny day, it used to look like this!

Yeah. That's right. I left the bottle in a hot car for a mere six hours or so and the damn thing Shrunky Dunk on me! My wife got two of these bottles, so lets look at them side by side.

Crazy right?

As you can see, initially the bottle contained a bit more than 24 ounces of liquid...

...I just measured its volume today--it holds less than 8 ounces of fluid!

Obviously, there's some magic at work here. Personally, I'm hoping it's the car that's enchanted rather than the bottle. You see, if my car turns out to be a Magic Shrinking Machine, then we could put all the pain and strife and suffering in the world in there and reduce it down over a couple sunny days. We could also use my magic car to shrink people's tumors and goiters and maybe even zap barrels of untreatable toxic waste down to a more manageable size.

I'm planning to test the car's power tomorrow by leaving my recycling in there. (The can's nearly full and the guys don't come again for 12 days.) Sadly, I have a sneaking suspicion the magic's contained in the bottle because, well, I've been in that car lots of times and I'm still fat.

Related: 10 Interesting Facts About Miracle Phones

#100 - The 100th Post Spectacular Is As Awesome as a Three Wolf Shirt!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 15:14:00 +0000

Hey! It's our 100th post! Actually, there are 159 posts on this site, but as we have quite a few recurring categories: Low Level Superpowers, Females Sighted Carrying Their Own Full-Size Pillows on Planes by Race, People Whose Asses Are Wider Than Their Shopping Carts, this is the first post to be numbered 100.

We're not going to go crazy in celebration of this milestone. In fact, I just want to talk briefly about one of my favorite new forms of humor: The Over the Top Customer Review. This hilarious and extremely narrowcast form of funny first came to my attention as it related to the Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen. An ad for the pens was placed on Amazon.uk, and the first review, entitled "Very Good If You Need To Write On Paper" started a wildfire. Check it out:

This masterpiece of hilariously pedantic pen criticism led to other fantastic reviews.

By	Disappointed user

Worked fine with my right hand, but when I came to use my left hand my writing came out looking like the work of a complete imbecile. I can only assume Bic have created a right-handed only pen, and would caution left-handers to "try before you buy".

By T. Dyton
I purchased this biro to test out the old adage that the pen is mightier than the sword. Having challenged a black belt Kendo champion to a fight I am now down to one arm and I think the bic got stepped on - so the old saying is a load of rubbish.

By Mr. D. Worthington
I wondered how long it would take for the rest of the world to discover this little beauty. My only concern is that now the secrets out of the bag, i might find it more difficult to find a replacement for the one i currently own. For this reason i will be ordering one or two as emergency back-up just in case.

Top tip: With one or two minor alterations, the bic also makes an excellent blow pipe or snorting tube.

Disclaimer: I have never used, nor do i ever intend to use Cocaine.

You can see the rest of the reviews here, but be warned, there are nearly 200 of them.

A more recent entry into this user-generated genre of satire came to the public's attention in late May when the "Three Wolf Moon 'Official' T Shirt" received the following review:

The author of this review, Brian Govern, a Rutgers U. student, said he was searching Amazon.com for a schoolbook when the online retailer's recommendation system coughed up the Three Wolf Shirt as something else he might find enticing. Brian said dashing off the review was a spur of the moment thing and that he had no idea his little gag would have any far-reaching effects.

So, what far-reaching effects has the review produced? Well, for one thing, as of June 20th, the Three Wolf shirt's sales ranking multiplied by 2,300 percent and it is now the single best selling item in Amazon's vast apparel catalog. Govern's review has also inspired more than 1,200 other wolf shirt enthusiasts to share their thoughts.

"Once ... while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on 'One Day at a Time.' "

"If you are planning on spending exactly $9.14 on yourself this year, this better be the purchase."

"My friend and I are going to attempt to trasfer the design to the rear view mirror of my truck. Should increase the horsepower of the vehicle by about 50. Mostly because the horses under the hood will be running in fear of the wolves on my shirt and truck.- Tyler J. Winegarden"

The Three Wolf shirt even inspired an almost annoyingly hip and snarky song parody by Brooklyn-based comedy troupe Dr. Coolsex.

But what I personally like best of all about the wolf shirt is that my son and I were walking the dog the other day when I found it being worn unironically by my neighbor Soriah. I took a picture of her which, I'm sorry to say, did not come out very clearly because my hands were shaking with excitement.

As an interesting, non-wolf shirt related aside, seconds after I took the picture of my neighbor, who should stalk by but Mittens McGillicutty, left-pawed cat arm wrestling champion of the world. He was in a rush, but he always has time to take a picture with his fans. Jeez! Just check out the python on that animal.

Anyway, to sum up, even though I'm sure the phenomenon of over-eager customer reviews will die out as quickly as everything else on the Intertubes, let's enjoy them while we can. I have written before about my inability to resist any food described as "Tuscan" (here, here, here) so you can see why the more than 700 reviews of this Tuscan Whole Milk would be close to my heart.

“One word of caution — milk, even when frozen into a baseball-bat shape, is nigh worthless as a baseball bat, merely shattering into cloudy fragments at the first strike of a baseball.”

“Tuscan Whole Milk ruined my life. I have no further details to add.”

"For those of us in the world who have had the pleasure of sipping 100 year old wines and 50 year old shots of single malt whiskey, I can only say that you might think you have had the best, but you would be incorrect. You have not lived until you have savored the full richness of Tuscan Whole Milk. Sitting on the beach in the south of France and watching the sun set with other beautiful people may be one thing, but sitting on your own front porch and sipping an ice cold glass of pure white Tuscan Whole Milk is another totally different experience."

"Every once and a while you come across a product that manages to redefine the genre. Tuscan Whole Milk is such a product. While other competitors tout add-ons such as 2%, skim, chocolate, or strawberry, Tuscon Whole Milk exposes these features for what they really are: gimmicks. To realize the genius of this milk, one needs only look at the effort that was put into this new product. The drawing board stage alone saw a complete rewrite of what it means to be milk and took over 50,000 cow hours."

Cow hours. Hell yeah!

#99 - This Right Here Is A Funny Picture

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:41:00 +0000

Click for larger image.

#98 - Spatchcocked Grilled Game Hens, Beijing Olympic Flavor!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:20:00 +0000

Exactly one year ago today I was on assignment for San Diego Magazine in Colorado attending BBQ U.--the cooking school/television event you may or may not have seen on PBS. (You can find my thoughts on the adventure here.)

Aside from spearheading the team that produced the epically audacious and much lauded Spatchcocked Grilled Game Hens, Beijing Olympic Flavor! my favorite part of the experience was picking Sensei Raichlin's brain on the subject of grilling over wood. A lot of Guys Who Grill like a lot of Gadgets for Grilling. They like tongs and forks and branding irons and presses and Kiss The Cook aprons and hats that flash the night's menu in LED lights across their foreheads.

Me? Not so much.

As the years go by and I grill more and more, I find myself shedding tools rather than accumulating them. When I discovered that putting some kindling and wadded up paper under the bottom grill grate, lighting it, and then piling coals atop the small fire was just as effective as using a chimney starter I happily chucked the starter. I don’t have basting brushes or giant forks or anything like that near my grill. I have a lighter, a scrape-y thing, and a small stack of supermarket circulars for igniting the blaze. In further embracing this pared-down grilling approach, I have also sought to minimize my use of charcoal and maximize my use of pure, untreated wood.

Grilling over a 100% wood fire is not always possible. I still go with longer-burning charcoal when I’m, say, slow smoking ribs, or roasting a duck, but for quick-cooking things like steaks or fish, I now go with a mixture of about 75% wood with a few briquettes tossed in to even things out. The wood I use comes in big bags from Home Depot. They sell both hickory and mesquite chunks, but I wouldn’t touch the mesquite if I were you.

While I was at BBQ U. I had the chance to eat dinner with Steven. In fact, we spilt the steak for two. (Hello? BFF!) And while we were enjoying our meal he told me about his experience eating the legendary bistecca alla Florentina in Umbria, Italy. As many of you already know, I am utterly incapable of resisting with any menu item containing the word “Tuscan” or even the mere suggestion of “Tuscan-ness,” so I’m sure there was a long thread of drool oozing from my lower lip and I listened to Raichlen’s energetic descriptions of three-finger-thick steaks cut from specially-raised, rare chianina cattle, and seared in a fireplace at 900 degrees over oak, then drenched in vibrant, green gold olive oil and finally sprinkled with sea salt.

Since hearing that story my dearest wish has been to cook steaks on a simple, square grill grate using nothing but wood. This morning I was searching for just such a grate on the Intertubes when I came across this Grilliput Camp Grill at camping-gear-outlet.com.

Now, the Grilliput Camp Grill is not exactly what I was looking for. It's not that there's anything wrong with the Grilliput, it's just that I’d like my grill grate to be made of cast iron so it’ll leave really excellent grill marks on my steaks. But what interested me more about the Grilliput Camp Grill was what the “Customers who bought this item also purchased:” Check it out!

Uh, let's take a closer look at that.

Wow! I have to think that’ll be one hell of a cookout! This dude’s going to be manning the grill while simultaneously double-wielding a black steel ninja bokken sword and a 15-inch predator machete! What the hell’s he cooking? A puma?

Anyway, I’m still on my quest for a neat little cast iron grate I could use to cook over a wood fire, and, if STEVEN WON’T SEND ME ONE OF THESE LIKE HE OUGHT TO! I’ll probably ask my neighbor to make me one. Hey, if there’s one advantage to living next door to a blacksmith and a welder, it’s that you can score free metal stuff from time to time. I’ll update you on my progress. In the meantime, here’s the recipe for Spatchcock Grilled Game Hens, Beijing Olympic Flavor!

Spatchcocked Grilled Game Hens, Beijing Olympic Flavor!
4 game hens, spatchcocked
large bunch fresh basil
lemons
3 cloves garlic
Assorted Fresh Herbs
S/P/OO
4 bricks, wrapped in foil
1 candleholder, also wrapped in foil
parafin wax
lighter
toothpicks

Okay, first, wait until it’s an Olympic year and Beijing is hosting again. Then, spatchcock your game hens by cutting out the backbone, opening up the bird like a book and removing the breastbone with a sharp knife. Then, cut a small slit through the meat at the base of each thigh and run the ends of the drumsticks through them. Also, fold the wings against the body so that, when you assemble your Olympic Victory Podium, the birds will appear to be raising their arms in a triumphant salute.

Next, make a kind of “pesto” marinade of olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, crushed garlic and basil and let the birds bathe in it for an hour while you prep your fire. Set up your grill for direct grilling, clean and oil your grill grate and place the birds above the hot fire at a 45-degree angle to the bars of the grate. Place your foil-wrapped bricks atop the birds to press them down. Grill for 6-8 minutes per side, rotating the birds midway through cooking to create a crosshatch grill mark pattern.

When the birds are done, let them rest, partially covered, for 10-15 minutes while you re-wrap the bricks in clean foil to serve as your Olympic Victory Podium. Go into the kitchen of the spacious, elegantly appointed Broadmore Hotel and borrow a candleholder, a little chuck of paraffin wax and a lighter. Wrap the candleholder in foil to create an “Olympic Torch” and set it behind the Olympic Victory Podium. Gather several bunches of fresh herbs and try to make wreathes out of them for the game hens’ heads. Get fed up with this and just scatter the herbs around the serving platter. Painstakingly remove the centers of five lemon slices to create your Olympic rings and connect them using little bits of toothpicks you’ve cut up. Bring your whole assemblage out to the serving table and then dramatically ignite the Olympic Torch. Bask in the admiration of your peers. Serve with a simple salad of bitter greens and herbs.

Related:
Steaks

#97 - The Hell With It! You've Got Too Damn Much Bone Marrow Anyway!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 14:53:00 +0000

I got an email from an old friend yesterday urging me to sign up as a bone marrow donor. His sister is in need of a transplant and he asked for my help. I signed up to be tested as a match online in about three minutes. It's free and painless and involves nothing more than swabbing the inside of your cheek with a couple Q Tips which they mail you in a testing kit and then sending them back. If you'd like to get involved, click here and use the promo code "marrowdonor." If you'd like to know more about Khephra, the young woman in need of help, read her brother's message here.

Um... something funny? Okay. Although they apparently sell in prodigious numbers, I have never purchased a hotcake. How about you?

*ADDENDUM- It has come to my attention that many people think this post was a joke or insincere in some way. And, walking the line between merely outrageous and wholly unacceptable the way I do, that's my fault. But this is just what it seems like on its face. I got an email from an old friend. I registered online to become a bone marrow donor, and I thought it was cool that it was so easy to do something so potentially important. If you stared at this post for a little while trying to figure out what the joke was, don't sweat it. My own beloved, beleaguered wife, when I asked if she'd seen my website today, replied, "Yeah. I didn't get it."

#96 - Tidbit!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Here's an interesting fact about Madison Wisconsin: If you get all excited and shout, "Here comes the half stepper!" No one shouts back, "MURDERER!" And then you feel silly! Now you know!

#95 - Pre-Internet Nigerian Email Scams

noreply@blogger.com (Chris Connolly) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 19:24:00 +0000

Can it be that it was all so simple then? Related.