“Just witnessed another sad LA way of living: 3 people having dinner together, all talking on the cell to someone else.”

Is this how you build effective communication?

I think it is sad that we have to live in a society that promotes this way of being.  I know I have been guilty of this myself.  Checking emails on the phone while sitting with someone; or, simply thinking of what I need to do once I am back at the computer, while trying to have a conversation with someone else.

Life is too fast and is getting more so.  We need to cope with a slew of sensory inputs and mental stimuli.   With so much going on externally and in your head, how can you improve your communication skills?  Here are some things that I focus on.

1. Clear your Head

Think about this: How many times are you with someone and not actually there?  I know that I catch myself a lot being with someone, but being somewhere else.  What I have learned from my readings of the GTD (Getting Things Done)methodology and from various other life lessons is that I have to get my head clear of distractions to truly focus.

Before you can be fully-there with someone, you need to make sure that all of the mental tasks are handled.  This does not mean that the tasks need to be complete, rather, you need to get all of the ideas bubbling around in your head down on paper, in a computer program, or added to a list somewhere.   David Allen, the founder of the GTD method, calls these “open loops”.   When you have open loops, your brain will continue to work on things, even subconsciously.  You need to clear your head by putting these open loops into something physically manifested, such as on a paper list, or in a software program that tracks tasks.

I myself use the second method.  I use a program called Nozbe to keep track of my open tasks.  I like it because I can group the tasks into projects and align them with contexts, such as things to do at the computer or errands to run.   I find that if I get as much as I can of what my mind is working on, down into this system, the more clear I am for conversations and actually doing things.

2. Check-in

Okay, so you have your mind clear, and you are out with someone.  You need to mentally check-in.  The tasks rattling around in your head may be gone, but your daydreaming still may exist.  So make a gargantuan effort here and actually focus on the person.  Look into their eyes.   Think about the words they are saying.

Learn something new about the person you are with.  Find out what makes them who they are.  You can only do this with focus.  If you are focused on your own thoughts, then you miss this opportunity to hear someone for who they really are.

3. Focus on listening

Put the cell phone away and put it on airplane mode.   Put away the Ipads, the Kindles, and any other distractions.  You are there to share a meal with someone or to have a meeting with someone.    Now is the time to listen.  It is so difficult to focus these days.  Make that little extra effort of focusing.

Shut your brain off for that few moments that they are speaking.   This seems like an impossible task – but do it!   I have for years had the bad habit of prepping an answer to their comment before they have finished the sentence.    Stop and think about what they are saying before answering.  Guess what, you might say something more intelligent than if you have just reacted to a mid-sentence thought.

I believe in cause and effect.  Causes are thoughts, words and actions.  If you are not careful with your thoughts, then your words will create a cause that may render and effect that is unpleasant.   So take a moment and listen.  This in itself is a cause and the effect is a better response.

4. Give feedback

After you have listened and formulated a thoughtful response in your mind, give a response that is worthy of the person you are with.   Why are you with them in the first place?  Obviously you have a shared interest or you have some reason for being there with them.  If so, you owe it to them to be responsive and provide a positive experience for them.

If they ask a question, give a thoughtful response.  Do not react.  Pause and think about what was said.  Then give a response.

5. Appreciate the other person

I will be blogging on various topics, including:

• Professionally:
• Customer Relationship Management Software
• Enterprise Resource Planning Software

• Personally:
• Feng Shui
• Crossfit
• Other Topics of Personal Interest