I’ve decided to start a Straight Talk Series (see below on how to get your questions answered!) where I will be answering your questions and here is the first question I received on my facebook page:

i was out with some friends…and everyone is on a diet…one was on this dukan diet, it’s mad!! but it’s so hard to resist the pull to diet and also hard to argue eloquently in the face of such conviction!

First things first, believing you need to argue is where your pain is. You don’t have to “resist the pull” or “argue eloquently”.

Those are choices and you get to decide.

And if it isn’t the choice you want to make, then I’d recommend you first get clear on your beliefs, thoughts and feelings.

It is important to understand that what your friends are doing has nothing to do with what you are doing.

Other people don’t make you think, feel or do anything. 

That pull you feel is coming from inside of you and what you believe about the results of dieting and/or being accepted by your friends.

Taking responsibility for that is the first step.

The good news is that when you take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you get your power back.

And stepping into your power is where it’s at.

From there, you dig into what it is you believe about dieting and your weight. And perhaps what you believe about the friendships and fitting in.

You get to decide how to think and feel about everything -  including dieting, your weight and relationships.

So, here are some good questions to dig around in:

Why do I feel the need to depend myself here?

What do I believe will happen if I go on a diet and lose weight?

What does being the weight I am say about me?

What am I afraid will happen if I don’t lose weight?

Why does what my friends are doing matter so much to me?

What am I afraid will happen if I stand up for what I believe with my friends?

And what is so bad about that?

Why am I choosing to believe these things?

How does it feel to think and believe all of these things?

If it feels good, keep on keeping on.

But, if it feels like shit, that is a crystal clear sign that you are believing something that isn’t true for you. Going into these types of things where you are reacting to negative beliefs, thoughts and feelings rather than responding from a “clean” place is where most people get into trouble.

And if you feel the need to defend and argue, you aren’t coming at it from a clean place.

From a clean place, you can set boundaries and have meaningful conversations that come from love, not fear. And what you find on the other side of that is more fulfilling and rewarding relationships that are built on honesty and authenticity.

You get to be you. They get to be them.

No defending. No arguing.

Just the truth.

Do you have a question you would like to see answered? Contact me and choose the straight talk option! Want more personalized guidance or to go deeper into this topic? Join me.

For many women, the idea of body love is a foreign, unattainable concept that is for other women, not them. Whether it is the saggy boobs, the stretch marks, the extra {insert random number of pounds here}, the wrinkles on your face or the size of your thighs, the thought of loving our selves just as we are even seems ludicrous to some. You probably ask yourself questions like:

How can I love myself when I look like this?

How can I love myself when I’ve made so many mistakes?

How can I love myself when I can’t seem to get food and my weight under control?

How can I love myself when all I am bombarded with is societies standards of beauty and I don’t even come close?

How can I love myself?

And so, when I write about why you should love your body now or the importance of self-acceptance, I get a lot of questions. You want to know  how to actually apply these sort of “woo-woo” concepts to your real life with your real body. So, today, I want to talk to you about real body love in real life.

Body Love

( for real women, in real life)

In real life, body love looks like standing in the mirror and admiring yourself. Sometimes, that means only focusing on that one single part you really do love (like maybe your collar bones that you recently found or your eyes, maybe even just your wrists). And sometimes, it means sitting in a pile of emotional mush on the floor wondering why it is so easy some days and so fucking hard on others.

In real life, body love looks like super self-care. Long, hot baths, luxurious lotions and potions. Painted nails, massages and pedicures. Plucked eye brows and waxed hoo hoos. And other days, it looks like grey roots and hang nails.

In real life, body love looks like fruits, vegetables, tons of water and plenty of protein. And it also looks like cheeseburgers, french fries and pizza. Add on some nutella, ice cream and potato chips for good measure.

In real life, body love looks like long walks through the woods, yoga, kitchen dance fests, playful cartwheels and hula hoops. And some days, it looks like long days on a cozy sofa with blankies and slippers.

In real life, body love looks like quiet time, meditation and good books. It looks like deep conversations with friends and peace of mind. And sometimes, it looks like an emotional basket case with tears and snot pouring down her face.

In real life, body love looks like love. And it also looks like loathing and hate.

In real life, body love looks like all of these things. And everything in between.

Because, in real life, true body love is not perfect. It is compassionate and understanding of the human experience. It embraces the highs, the lows and everything in between. In real life, true body love loves what is, except when it doesn’t. In real life, body love looks like learning, growing, healing, laughing and crying.

True body love is a process, that happens in real life. With real human emotions.

And, so, my dearest, don’t worry if you haven’t figured out how to get it just right. Or if you haven’t figured out why some days you can feel peaceful and loving and others days, not so much.

You are where you need to be, right now, and always.

Body love isn’t just for those girls who seem perfect on the outside, or who seem to have it all together, or who seem to be able to “do it” in spite of their circumstances.

True body love is for you and me, too.

True body love is a practice.

If you want to talk about what body love is for you with real women who are living real lives (including me), join the conversation.

Before I became a body image coach, I worked for a fancy pants golf club. One of the things I would do while on hold for telephone calls was build my rubber band ball. I’d had a rubber band ball at my previous job and it simply didn’t feel right to not have one. Something about them has always been sort of fun and curious for me.

I started it from a huge pile of various sized and colored rubber bands that were gifted to me with my desk. And I don’t know if you’ve ever made one but it is sort of like a puzzle.

In the beginning, they can be a bit frustrating. And sometimes, it seems easier to just go buy one at the local office supply store.

You start with just pile of rubber bands. Sorting through the pile and finding just the right ones to start the ball is essential. You need to find ones that will not unwind and pop off easily. Otherwise, you end up with an unraveling mess all over the floor.

And, this is a process you repeat over and over and over again until you get it just right.

But, with patience, and plenty of time on hold, the semblance of an actual ball begins to form and the process starts to become a bit more natural. You start to notice which rubber bands tend to pop off easily, which ones will stay with a little coaxing and which ones are a perfect fit at the perfect time.

Before you know it, making the ball actually becomes easy. You start to pick up the pace and before you know it, it starts to resemble an actual ball.

Nice work, you think to yourself, while the elevator music plays in your ear.

Even still, there are times when you choose a rubber band that immediately pops off and flies across the room.

But you persevere.

You can tell that if you keep going, you will soon have a shining example of a rubber band ball that Staples would be proud to put into their catalog.

At this point, you are a like a rubber band ball making pro.

I mean, look at this fucking thing.

So, colorful, and round and bouncy. And YOU made it.

And so, you keep on going.

Soon, you have a ball that is about the size of a golf ball. At this point, you begin to carefully choose which rubber band will come next and you know, without even thinking, which direction to apply the colorful, springy circle of rubber.

Eventually, the ball becomes the size of a baseball as well as the envy of the entire office. Some folks might even go so far as to steal your ball and try to hide it from you. They know how proud you are of the work you’ve accomplished and, now, they want the same thing without doing all that work.

But, you tell them to fuck off and take your ball back.

It’s yours.

And you created it from a mess hidden in your desk drawer into something you proudly display for all the world to see.

Transforming your body hatred into deep and lasting love is just like that.

Yep.

Just like that.

Like this post and want to discuss it with other women just like you? Please do join us.

1. It is the only one you have.
2. It feels a whole lot better.
3. You can’t hate your way into anything but suffering.
4. There are no guarantees.
5. Loving your body now doesn’t mean giving up on it. In fact, it means the opposite.
6. You are worth it. 
7. When you love something, you take care of it.
8. You are perfect because you have imperfections.
9. You’ll have more energy to focus on the things that are really important to you.
10. People are going to judge you no matter what.
11. Loving it isn’t actually dependent on it’s size and shape.
12. It is fucking amazing.
13. A life lived from love is more fulfilling and peaceful.
14. Why wait to be happy?
15. Your children deserve better than that.
16. Did I mention it just plain feels better?
17. How is hating it working for you?

Enough Said.

Like this post? Let’s chat about it on facebook.

Have you ever done one of those weight loss shake programs?

If you are anything like me, you’ve probably tried at least 4900 of them. The first time I did one was just before my first wedding. I was in my early twenties and about to marry the man my parents hated because my parents hated him.

I remember the exact day that my mother, my maid of honor and my little sister went to buy the wedding dress.

We went to a boutique dress shop in a tiny little town out in the country. It oozed with southern charm – long and slow accents, highly perfumed and manicured women who whisper behind your back and hair that was “jacked up to Jesus”.

We had driven by the weekend before and I saw the dress I wanted displayed in the window. I told my mother that the dress was the dress.

When we arrived that day, I didn’t want to try any other dress on. I just knew that this dress was the one.

The one in the window was the only one they had and it was about three sizes too small for my figure. The highly perfumed ladies pinned and pulled and tugged but it wasn’t going to fit. They told me that it was risky, but that they could order one that would fit perfectly.

And so, they proceeded to take my measurements.

Surely, whispering behind my curvy back.

The dress arrived with a no refund policy.

And all that pot induced snacking had caught up with me.

That dress, the one ordered to match my measurements, didn’t fit.

I was weeks away from the wedding and, obviously, had no other choice.

Slim fast it was.

I remember the hunger and the desperation. I remember the tears, the anger and the fear.

I also remember the exact thought that was creating all of that pain and suffering.

My dress isn’t going to fit.

I remember, what I made that one thought mean.

I made it mean that I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough. Certainly not thin enough.

I made it mean that I was a failure.

I made it mean the end of the world.

And so, I treated myself like I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough. And certainly not thin enough.

I starved. I drank the shakes and had one sensible meal a day. I hoped and I prayed for a miracle.

And, even still, a few days before the wedding, I was out buying the strongest girdle money could buy.

I hated myself. I hated my body.

I hated that fucking dress.

I remember talking to the people who were in attendance and wondering if they could tell I couldn’t breathe. Or if they knew that the way I was holding my hand over my belly was because I didn’t want them to see my curves.

I’ve created a different life since then. That marriage is long over. I’ve been off drugs for about ten years. I don’t binge eat anymore. I don’t starve my body into submission.

Back then, you wouldn’t have been able to convince me that I would now be a life coach who helps women rebuild their self-worth and create a positive body image. You wouldn’t have been able to convince me that I would love, appreciate and care for my body the way I do today. For that matter, you wouldn’t have even been able to convince me that I’d be alive.

At the time, I wondered why all of that was happening to me. Now, I can see that it was all happening for me.

It was happening so that I could learn, grow, heal and share.

I’ve learned that the way we speak to ourselves has everything to do with how we feel. I’ve learned that the way we respond to our feelings has everything to do with the results we see in our lives.

I’ve learned that it isn’t the dress. Or the food. Or even the reality of your size and shape.

What matters is what we make those things mean. It’s about that story you tell yourself, over and over again.

I’ve learned that if you want a different ending, you have to change the story.

Like this post? Let’s chat about it on facebook.

It’s no secret that I believe in the importance of self acceptance. For many, this brings up a lot of fears about what will happen if they decide to love and accept themselves. Many overweight women believe that to love and accept their body means that they have to give up on weight loss.

But what I want you to know is that accepting yourself first does not mean giving up on yourself.

It means the opposite.

When you love something, you take care of it. You show up for it. You honor it. You put it on your list of priorities. You do the work.

This means eating when you are hungry. Stopping when you’re full. Bathing. Moving joyfully. Resting when you are tired. Giving yourself some space. Feeling your feelings. Changing your beliefs and thoughts.

And when you do those things, lasting change is not only possible – it is inevitable.

In the beginning, the idea of doing all of that can be overwhelming.

Trust me, I know.

But I also know that in order to truly care for yourself and your body, you have to stop beating yourself up. Permanent change happens through love, not hate.

You cannot beat yourself into love.

This includes beating yourself up about beating yourself up.

Stop it.

Seriously.

The only way to stop it is to begin by noticing the ways in which you do it. Begin to notice the things you say to yourself. Notice how you feel and behave when you beat yourself up. Ask yourself if you would speak to your best friend or a small child that way.

Just notice.

Noticing is the first step. Always.

Like this post? Let’s chat about it on facebook.

I am beyond excited to share this with you guys today.

When I decided to become a coach almost two years ago, I had no idea where I would end up.  At the time, all I knew what that I wanted to help people change their lives the way I have changed my own through the path of intuitive eating. Along the way, I discovered the work of Brooke Castillo and knew that for many, what she was teaching people was the missing link between intuitive eating and weight loss.

She got it.

Like me, she had been there and done that.

I devoured everything she wrote, including three incredible books which I have links to on my resources page. I listened to her coach while I was driving, doing the dishes or just sitting in my living room. Her skills as a coach were shifting hearts and minds everywhere, including my own.

Despite all of my other coach trainings and certifications, I had my eye on training with her for a long, long time. And then one day, back in August, I saw on her website that she had ONE spot available because someone else needed to switch trainings.

My heart raced as I sent the email. This was it.

I literally jumped up and down when I got the email that I was in. I was going to do it.

And do it, I did.

Taking my training with Brooke was, seriously, nothing short of life changing. In some ways, I feel like a different person. Layers were unpeeled that I didn’t even know where there.

Remind me to tell you guys the banana story sometime.

I faced fears of judgment, I questioned my beliefs and came face to face with everything I believe to be true about food and weight.

I made incredible friends that I would not trade for the world.

I affirmed my heart.

And I scrubbed my mind.

I came away with a stronger sense of who I am and what I am capable of.

I acquired skills that will support me in my quest of personal development and in my practice as a coach.

And, dude, it was fucking hard.

So, when I got the email from Brooke, this past Friday that said:

You did it, Inge.

Congratulations.

LOVED your video.

Welcome to being a Certified Weight Loss Coach through The Life Coach School.

You make me proud.

Brooke

Tears sprang to my eyes and my heart was filled with joy.

Not only was I a certified weight loss coach through The Life Coach School, I had accomplished something that my mind had tried convincing me I couldn’t.

But I did it.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the importance of self-acceptance in this journey to making peace with food. I recently sent out a survey that you all graciously responded to (thank you!) and this was the one area that came up again and again. I offered a number of options in the answers and of all of those answers, most of you said that you hate your body.

And I know what that is like.

I can really vividly remember the moment when I realized that I had dieted my way down from 220lbs to a “normal” number but that I still hated my body. All of those years spent focusing on the food and the exercise had passed but besides the size of my blue jeans, nothing was really that different.

It wasn’t good enough. I still grabbed my belly wishing for a big knife to cut it off. I still looked in the mirror with disgust for what I saw. I still melted down every time I got dressed because I “felt” so fat and nothing “looked right”.

Even though I was what most would consider a normal, healthy young woman, and on par with an “acceptable” weight, there was still a seething hatred inside of my heart.

That moment changed my life.

In that moment, I deeply understood that hating my body was not what I wanted – no matter what size I was. It was in that moment that I understand the importance of self-acceptance.

I had always thought that I would finally accept myself if I were thin.

I thought that the women who spouted off about the importance of self-acceptance and body love didn’t really know me – I was different. I would be happy when I was thin and that was that. I truly believed that solving this food and weight thing was the answer.

But in that moment, so many years ago, I knew deep within me that it’s not.

It never will be.

The size of your body has nothing to do with your capacity to love and accept yourself.

Absolutely nothing.

If a house is built on sand, it will not withstand harsh storms. Even the slightest breeze could cause the house to topple. – unknown

Beating yourself up in order to love yourself is like building a house on sand.

You cannot beat yourself into love.

And that, my dear readers, is the importance of self acceptance.

Your feelings won’t run you over when you feel them. They run you over when you don’t.

As a coach, one of the areas in which I excel is teaching my clients how to feel their feelings. And, like my other skills as a coach, they derived from taking what I have learned about emotions and trying it out in my own life to find what works and what doesn’t.

I know what it is like to be told to “just feel your feelings” and think what a crock of shit that is. I mean, what the fuck does that mean? Right?

The first time I heard that, I didn’t really understand the role of emotions or how they came to be. Truthfully, I think I was still in denial that emotions had anything to do with my relationship with food. I was still in that “yeah, yeah, feelings schmeelings, that doesn’t apply to me, I just like food” stage.

I’d also spent a lot of time in therapy. I mean, wasn’t that feeling my feelings?

But, telling your stories and feeling your feelings isn’t the same thing.

In fact, for many people, when you ask them how they feel they will answer you with a thought, not a feeling:

I feel like I just can’t stop {insert whatever here}.

I feel like nothing I ever do is right.

I feel fat.

All thoughts.

Those thoughts lead to actual feelings – like hopeless, disappointment, dis-empowered, sadness and shame. And those feelings are experienced in your body – maybe in your chest, your throat or your eyes – and when allowed, will flow through you bringing a sense of release. You know that cleansed feeling you get after a really, long hard cry? That is a sign that the emotion flowed all the way through.

Feeling your feelings means sit down (stand, lie down, whatever) and allow the sensation you experience in your body to flow through.

But when you avoid those emotions and ignore then, you get caught in a spin cycle of negative thinking. Which perpetuates negative feelings. Which perpetuates unwanted behaviors and outcomes. And this can go on for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years.

Your feelings are a direct line to show you what you are thinking.

When they come up, you have a choice to make. You can repress them (with food). You can take them out on other people. Or, you can feel them and figure out why you feel that way.

The good news is that you get to choose.