Talk to me
I’m throwing myself in front of you
This could be the last mistake that I would ever want to do
All I ever do is give
Its time you see my point of view

Just as soon as I see you
I didn’t lie but didn’t I tell you
As deep as I need you
You wanna leave it all

What can I do
Say it’s true or everything that matters breaks in two
Say it’s true
I’ll never ask for anyone but you
But I know what you want is to figure it out and God knows I do too
What can I do
Say it’s true
I’ll never ask for anyone but you

-Another Heart Calls, All American Rejects

They say there’s always a first for everything. Yesterday was a first. Yesterday wasn’t how it should be. Yesterday we were still in grief. It was yesterday that we greeted an event with uncertainty. Yesterday was the first time that Lola was not present for Christmas. Even as we tried our best to be at our happiest, Lola was still on our minds. Everything about Christmas for our family is something that Lola holds together. It’s her holiday. It’s something she loves doing. She cooks the food and decorates the house befitting the Christmas season.

This season was no Christmas for us. It was about grief. But despite the grief, we remember the best times we had with her especially during this season.

In a general sense of things, I thought we really are a lucky family. Together, bonded – that’s how we are. Things you see in the news or hear from friends about their misfortunes are just that – stories. It never crossed my mind that out of the 8 billion people living here on Earth, we were chosen by fate to experience this tragedy. The stories I once heard and saw on TV became a reality. Refreshing every bit of scene that happened last November 30 is still very painful. It beats the pain that I’ve ever felt in the twenty years of my existence. It was more than heartbreaking. Everything I thought about pain was just shallow. Losing a loved one is triple the times of a heartbreak, losing a pet you dearly loved, falling down the stairs, getting hit by a shoe and even a betrayal of a friend. You regret. You get frustrated. I really found it hard to accept.

My mom, being a doctor, wasn’t someone I wanted to talk to about Lola’s condition. I knew that she and Dad would give me a straight answer. And during those moments, I didn’t want honesty. I wanted hope. I wanted my grandmother well. I wanted her awake. I didn’t want to hear that she’s brain dead. I didn’t want to hear that she will never see any of us. I didn’t want to hear that there’s no possibility of her seeing me get my first job, get married, start a family and be successful in my life. It has always been my pleasure to see her happy for the things that I do in my life even if there are times that I get annoyed by her or that I do not approve some of the things that she does. Shallow as it may seem, I worked hard to become a dean’s list every-freaking-term in college not just for me or my parents. It was for her and Lolo. I also wanted to be introduced to their friends or our relatives as “Crystal the Dean’s Lister” not just “Crystal the daughter of..” I knew how much they valued their education. I knew that my accomplishments in school would make them happy.

The regrets came rushing in when I found out about her true condition. I asked Dad. It was an error on my part as I was trying to avoid asking them about Lola’s condition. There were so many I could haves, should haves.. There were really so many things I could haves done to make her and Lolo happy. And unfortunately for me, I prioritized other things. I wasn’t up to the part of being a good granddaughter. I hated my pride. I hated my selfishness.

Right now, I have to deal with my grief. I have to deal with these mixed feelings about events that happened this December. I have to really forgive myself for the things I never did. I have to reorganize things in my life. The better cliche suited for this episode is, “Everything happens for a reason.” As hard it is to swallow, I’m still trying to grasp the reasons. But maybe it is what it is.

—————-

“Kung magkikita man kami ulit, kung kinakailangan na liligawan ko siya ulit, gagawin ko.”
-Lolo, saying this on Lola’s interment if he and Lola would meet again

Hello. Yesterday (GMT +8:00), I celebrated my 20th birthday. I won’t be in an in denial phase and I’ve accepted that I’m really growing older. I hope I’m actually maturing. I still have my days wherein I do immature acts. It’s a no-no. But since I’m living for two decades already, I should be more responsible and open.

I want to say a lot of things but this particular birthday wasn’t exactly the special kind of birthday. Since my grandmother’s death, I wasn’t in a celebratory mood. Although, I should be celebrating for the life that I have and for being alive today, I’m in a half-grieving state. I still miss Lola. I miss her every day.

Ever since I started my teen years, my grandparents have always started this tradition of greeting me in the morning and bringing me a birthday cake to our house in the afternoon or hours before noon. I was already loomed with sadness as my birthday was getting nearer because Lola won’t be there to greet me together with Lolo. The highlight of my day happened when Lolo went over to our house and greeted me and danced while holding the cake. (FYI: My grandparents always got me cakes from Red Ribbon) Lolo never forgot. I don’t think he would. But it still felt different not seeing Lola.

One of these days, I’d probably really move on. But right now, even if I know that Lola’s not present with us, I’m still grieving. I’m still missing her. There are times when I remember how it all happened. It still hurts. But I have to be strong and I have to take care of Lolo. I’m putting my applications for work on hold for now. I want to spend time with Lolo until he’s really okay. I also want to bond with him as I have not done so in the past year. I hope that 2010 won’t be too hard on us anymore.

{This was the supposed eulogy I made two days before my grandmother’s interment. I so badly wanted to speak but shyness came over me the last minute. So I never got the chance to speak up and tell to the world or to the people who were present at my grandmother’s funeral of the things I’ll miss and the memories that I will forever keep. So I’m taking this time to tell everyone, to the world, or to whoever is reading this about my grandmother.

**She died last December 9, 2009.}

I knew Lola for twenty years. I believe that even before I was born, she already loved me. I think it goes the same for her sons and daughters and her grandchildren. That’s how Lola was. She was a loving person. She loves unconditionally. She loves to give love. Or to put it simply, she loves to love. If you knew who she really was, you’d think she’d live ’till she was 90 or even a hundred. That’s why when this all happened, it was too hard to accept (especially the first three days). It was too sudden. It was too painful. If there was anything that could be greater to having a broken heart, that would be the feeling of losing someone like Lola.

My last conversation with Lola happened hours before she was brought to the hospital. If there’s one thing Lola and the rest of the girls and I have in common is that we love to shop. I told her that particular Sunday night, “Lola! Shopping tayo sa SM maraming maganda.” Lola jokingly said, “Ayy nako. Wala akong pera.” I turned to Lolo and said, “Diba Lolo bibigyan mo kami ng pera?” And then we started joking about money and how it would be like if we were rich. I really wanted to go with her then. I missed her. We were just trying to talk to each other again after months of not doing so.

Twenty years. Twenty years with Lola were full of funny, happy and sometimes sad memories. But I’d like to remember most the happy memories and I learned from the sad ones. When Jobo, Tina, Yana and Tita Gigi left for Dubai and before Tito Gerry and my four other cousins lived in our compound, Amanda and I were the only children left and we were really sad because of our playmates’ departure. My sister and I were crying for a few days. Lola, being the amazing grandmother that she was, treated us out to movies, Dulcinea, House of Minis and our ever favorite, Jollibee. She and Lolo were trying to keep us company for months. I guess they really felt our sadness by our three playmates’ departure. Lola would even check on us form time to time. I never felt alone after that episode.

Whenever one of us were sick, I bet you that Lola would attend to us. Every time that I get sick, Lola comes to my aid. She checks on me and my temperature. Our conversation would be like this. “Oh, Crystal. Anong gusto mong pagkain?” “Lola, kahit ano po.” “Anong kahit ano? Oh sige bahala na ako ah.” Sigurado when Lola comes back, it’s one of my favorites that she’d bring to our house. This is just the same when Dad gets sick or Amanda or Claudine or Jobo when they’d visit us from Dubai. She worries about everyone when they’re sick. And in her own way, she takes care of us pretty well.

Lola and I even had a plan about building up a soup kitchen. I teach kids about good manners, proper grooming and other essential things, she cooks the soup. She told me that it was one of her dreams is to be able to establish a soup kitchen for the kids in Consular Area. I wish we were able to do it before Lola. Sana ginawa ko noon para napasaya naman kita sa paraan na alam ko. Sana hindi ko nalang siya isinantabi. Pero Lola, ‘wag ka mag-alala. Ang mga apo mo handa gawin yung soup kitchen na plano mo. Gagawin namin kasi gusto namin na kahit andyan ka na sa taas, mas mapasaya pa namin ikaw.

Lola, thank you for the twenty wonderful years with you. Thank you for your life lessons. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for treating me to Jollibee and the movies. Thank you for raising my Dad, Tito Benjie, Tito Gerry, Tita Joy and Tita Pinky well together with Lolo. We wouldn’t have such wonderful parents if you haven’t guided them. Thank you for your kaldereta, your spaghetti, lumpia, korean beef, kare-kare, sinigang, nilaga, piniñahang manok, hamburger, inangit and lengua. God knows and everyone knows how much we will miss your cooking. We will miss a Luningning touch to every food we will eat at home.

Twenty years. How do I even beat twenty years? You know I can’t… I only had two days to tell Lola that I truly love her so much and that I appreciated everything she did for me. I somehow feel that it may be a regret that I seldom show her that I love her, I appreciate her and care for her. Now I know how that feels and I wouldn’t ever take anyone that I love for granted. Lola, I know you’re listening and I will tell this to you again. I love you so much. I love you truly. I know you’re our guardian angel now. I know you will watch over us.

There you have it. There’s my name. I’m number 8015. I passed! Now I can really say that I can now officially teach. Congrats to my classmates who passed our licensure exam.  Those who took the LET from DLSU all passed! We’re the top school!

Yeah. I may have my license.. I just don’t think I’d be teaching.. Or I’d probably teach but…