On Unpacking Homophobia: I keep finding new boxes.

2017-04-10T00:51:00.001-07:00

I often find myself wondering how much of the emotional turmoil I go through is normal, single, 20-something-in-grad-school angst, and how much of it is societal in origin. As LBGTQ people we are subject to all kinds of messages that tell us we are less than, imperfect, and undesirable. And it seems to me that it's impossible that I've managed to escape that somehow.

I've spent the better part of the last decade unpacking my own internalized homophobia, and each time I feel like I've turned a corner and vanquished some new region of it, I find that on other fronts I have been less successful. Like Holland reclaiming land from the sea - a sea which always presses, insistently on its claim - I think LGBTQ people face a constant tidal pressure, and if we're not careful, we'll drown.

On one hand, I'm not sure that the distinction really matters. If I've got negative self-thoughts and anxiety and depression, then they deserve to be dealt with. Of course the method of treatment will depend to some extent on the origin, but the recognition of the problem is the key, the first step. But on the other I find that it really affects how I feel about my emotions and my state of mind. It is far easier for me to dismiss negativity that I perceive as external. And there's a kind of perverse empowerment in resisting the force of societal pressure: it feels like righteous rebellion.

But when it's my own shit? That's a lot harder.

Sometimes, I find myself blaming myself for my own self-hatred. Recursive self-criticism. Why should it be any different? I know, at some level, that I am worthy of love and respect, and that I am valuable no matter how I am valued by society or even by the other people in my life (and in positions of power over me).

And yet.

How on earth can I tell when it's my own shit or not? Wouldn't it be just that extra bit unjust to judge myself for judging myself when I'm really not?

It feels like untangling some sort of Gordian Knot. Perhaps I ought to take a nod from Alexander and cut the damn thing.

Chrystal Clear: An Introduction

2017-04-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

Hello and Welcome to Chrystal Clear

My name is Chrystal and recently I have come to the stunning (maybe not to some of you) realization that I am a Transgender Woman! With this in mind I'm also a writer and generally a creative individual so I have come to create a brand new blog to share not only my feelings and experiences, but also other experiences from others in the LGBTQ community.

I feel like this blog can be used as a space to not only allow people to follow my journey, but to find solace in the fact that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling is valid and you are all important. With this in mind I plan to work hard on making this blog have great content and that others can find something of value within the words shared here. Topics will vary and there will be no form of censorship.

With all of these details out of the way expect new content soon including posts and content from guest authors as well.

Love,

Chrystal.