The Circus

Gordon Grounded in Reindeer Mutiny

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 21:45:59 PST

NORTH POLE, Arctic Circle -- In alarming news, KNN has just learned that Professor Ebenezer Gordon, Chairman and Grand Poobah of Gordon Industries, Inc., has been placed under house arrest and confined to his North Pole complex by a contingent of heavily-antlered reindeer.

This latest incident brings to a head the bitter industrial dispute between Gordon's loss-making Santa Claus business and his reindeer. The squabble originated four years ago with Gordon outsourcing his logistics to Bajaj in a bid to check rising supply chain costs. The move was widely condemned at the time by both his reindeer and environmental groups.

In a conversation with Kahuna a few weeks ago, Gordon revealed that no progress was made in resolving the dispute and hinted that the situation could take a turn for the worse:

Kahuna (K): Ho ho ho!
Gordon (G): Ho ho ho!
K: Have you settled with your reindeer?
G: No, we are using Segways this year.
K: So, you've been grounded?
G: Indeed. We're in talks with Virgin Atlantic, though.
K: To what end?
G: Segways have a limited range you know X-(
K: Isn't it simpler to settle the industrial dispute with your reindeer? X-(
G: I'm also in talks with a venison supplier X-(
K: Have you added yourself to your list of coal recipients? X-(
G: Not yet.
K: The Reindeer Union may well arrange a stampede across your person.

A spokesdeer for the Reindeer Union confirmed reports that last-minute talks broke down over the contentious matter of Gordon's ballooning girth requiring the sleigh to be classified as heavy according to FAA regulations. The spokesdeer admitted that matters had also turned ugly during Rudolf's recent performance review leading to several derogatory postings on Facebook.

North Pole sources, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that an extraordinary general meeting of the Reindeer Union was in session. It is reliably understood that the reindeer will take matters into their own hooves and report back to work in time to make tonight's delivery run. However, this is expected to be minus Gordon, who will remain sequestered for the time being with a steady supply of donuts and cat videos.

On that festive note, we wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

PS: More of Scott Metzger's holiday cartoons are available on his website.

Tiger Lily

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 03:13:04 PST

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- The occupation of Kahuna's Lair continues on Christmas Eve. Here we see Tiger taking up space in a flower pot after breakfast, the incumbent plant notwithstanding.

Further occupation is expected over the holiday weekend.

The Federation of Independent Cats

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 17:24:53 PST

Tiger Tail (Copyright © 2011 B Kahuna)

Tiger (Copyright © 2011 B Kahuna)

Twigger (Copyright © 2011 B Kahuna)

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Members of the Federation of Independent Cats (FIC) posed for photographs recently during a breakfast meeting at Kahuna's Lair. Kahuna revealed that Tiger Tail, Tiger, Twigger and Smokey (not pictured) visit for meals daily and occupy His household appliances with impunity despite rumblings by household canine Rozzwell and evil glares by household feline Waffles.

Kahuna added that His oven was occupied by Tiger Tail last night and His washing machine was currently being occupied by Tiger. He denied suggestions that the Federation of Independent Cats was inaugurated to oppose the feline-infested Gordon Administration, but did not rule out airdropping catnip over Gordon's stronghold in Kendiliyaddapaluwa.

Many cats were fed in course of this production.

Occupy Washing Machine

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:31:56 PST

Occupy Washing Machine (Copyright © B Kahuna 2011)

Panadura, Sri Lanka -- Visiting feline Tiger continues his occupation of the washing machine in Kahuna's Lair during an energetic spin cycle, despite objections raised by household canine Rozzwell.

No felines were harmed during this production. However, a tick found to be occupying Tiger's left ear was summarily evicted.

The Way of the Kebab

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 20 Mar 2011 10:35:53 PDT

The Way of the Kebab (Copyright © The Genie & B Kahuna 2011)

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- We're back after many moons and there's much to report. It was only last week that buffoonery of gastronomic proportions was cooked up at Kahuna's Lair, during an unusually tranquil meeting between Kahuna and the Genie.

Highly non-bogus kebabs were fabricated by Kahuna from teriyaki-marinated chicken, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, tomatoes and poly-chromatic bell peppers. Grilled to perfection, these were served with a potato salad whose protagonist was aided and abetted by a supporting cast of hard-boiled eggs, green peppers, onions, parsley, apple cider vinegar, sugar, mayonnaise, chili powder, salt and pepper.

The Genie, who insists on letting Kahuna do the heavy lifting, made himself useful with the camera, armed with as always, with a 50mm lens. There is no documented evidence of the kebabs after their stint in the oven as there was no dilly-dally tucking in.

This meal has been rated by the Genie to be NB-complete. On that mouth-watering note, we must bid you good night.

The Kahuna-Gordon Messages: Part 27 - A Dance to a Different Tuna

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 04:38:01 PST

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Sometime in the murky depths of the past, Kahuna and Professor Gordon began bickering about SQL and ended up in a watery misadventure, the transcript of which is presented below in evidence:

Gordon (G): Are you handy with SQL?
Kahuna (K): !@$@#$@#$ Do I look like E F Codd? X-(
G: No you look like a cod, but that's a different story by Seven Seas.
K: You're packing the omega-3 fatty acids aren't you?
G: I'll whack you with a pike if you dont watch it.
K: This is not the time and plaice for this X-(
G: There's no need for roe comments X-(
K: You're fishing in troubled waters, I tell you X-(
G: I'm not falling for that bait X-(
G: This whole conversation stinks.
K: You've already swallowed it hook, line and sinker if you ask me.
G: You'll need a shark cage to protect you when I get my hands on you X-(
K: You might have to evolve fins first by Darwin X-(
G: Actually, I'll use the hammer-head approach.
K: A swordfish attack in the rear will change your tune X-(
G: I'm not going to dance to your tuna X-(
K: There's no need to whale about this.
G: You're the one spawning animosity X-(
K: And you're trawling for any dirt you can get X-(
G: Nonsense, I'm swimming against the tide to avoid conflict X-(
K: You're out of your depth here, give up.
G: On the contrary, you've sunken to an all-time low.
K: Keeping you afloat has certainly taken its toll X-(
G: Look who's talking, you're driving me to the drink X-(
K: You should be in Davy Jones's Locker X-(
G: And you should be on the menu at Joe's Crab Shack X-(
K: Unlike the cockles and mussels mentioned in that song^[1], you won't be alive when I'm through with you X-(
G: I'll plot with your mother to get you married off to that woman renowned for selling seashells by the seashore^[2]X-(
K: I'd prefer C Shells myself, thank you X-(
G: I'll put you on exhibit at Sea World if you don't watch it.
K: You're as persistent as a barnacle X-(
G: This conversation is getting quite stale :-l
K: It's gotten quite rotten by Unhygienix.
G: And it started with E F Codd :-L
K: By you X(
G: Nonsense, you brought Codd into the equation in response to a simple query (pun intended) X-(
K: I will have you tied up in an outer join X-(
G: You won't have a boy scout around to save your ass when the goons arrive.

On that admittedly incongruent note, we must cast off. Tune in next time when Gordon recounts of the hunt for Red October in his bathtub.

^[1] "Molly Malone," also known as "Cockles and Mussels," the unofficial anthem of Dublin, Ireland.
^[2] Fossil collector and paleontologist Mary Anning, the basis for Terry Sullivan's 1908 tongue twister, "She sells seashells."

Unquotable Quotes - Part 43

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 10:41:34 PDT

Is this the time you come home on a school night? Tsk, Tsk.

— Vandoofus, disapproving of Kahuna turning up in the wee hours.

I will do as I please.

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

You need to get spanked. Er wait, you might like that.

— Vandoofus, having second thoughts on disciplining Kahuna.

I have stopped spinning.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on regaining control of his vestibular system.

So now you're a non-rotating black hole?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, reaching an extremely dense conclusion.

She had a bow and arrows in the car, what do you expect?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, on the Admiral gaining unsanctioned ingress to his building.

I will send Akio Toyoda over to beat you senseless with an accelerator pedal.

— Kahuna to Gordon, seeking speedy dispute resolution.

Sorry, the Bill of Rights does not cover 1080p.

— Kahuna, dismissing Gordon's contention that HDTV was well within his rights.

Thus proving he doesn't require authorization from resident fruit bats to do anything.

— Gordon, learning of Kahuna being bypassed in formulating the household IPTV policy by His Paternal One.

Have you negotiated with your father to not set parental controls on the device?

— Gordon to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

I will compile the unabridged and unedited version of your biography to be presented to your offspring.

— Kahuna to Gordon, retaliating with the threat of releasing sensitive information.

SLT has also provided catnip for the household feline.

— Kahuna to Gordon, noting value-added services for cats bundled with IPTV.

Mama baya ne!

— Diya Rakusa, defying Kahuna's threat of disclosing his decidedly colorful past.

And you expect all of us to come pick you up at the airport?

— Kahuna, outraged at Vandoofus demanding an entourage on arrival from the orient.

Not a wise course of action on the Ides of March, methinks.

— Kahuna, issuing a veiled threat on receipt of a general insult from Gordon.

Why is he the Genie?

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, questioning the Genie Identity.

He likes to be rubbed.

— Kahuna, enlightening Vandoofus on the Way of the Genie.

Oh? Are you Alladin?

— Vandoofus, taking a dim view of Kahuna's role in the Way of the Genie.

That was a sub-optimal blow job.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, concluding that the blowhole (hummanaya) in Kudawala sucked after a decidedly feeble performance.

You can see Niagara Falls for free.

— Gordon to Kahuna, on being told of the daylight robbery legislated by the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha in charging admission to view the blowhole.

Not to mention the quasi-bogus visitor center that seems to be modeled after some species of octopus.

— Kahuna to Gordon, critiquing the Tangalle Pradeshiya Sabha's cephalopod-inspired architecture.

Will you abuse the words 'blow' and 'hole'?

— Gordon to Kahuna, noting high potential for buffoonery presented by current events.

If I get any better I will code myself out of the matrix.

— Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

Maybe your code will work if you get better.

— Kahuna's Corollary to Vandoofus's Superlative Programming Dilemma.

I see a guy wearing pink slippers; hope he messes with me.

— The Genie to Kahuna, spotting a suitable victim in his continuing quest for needless violence.

I read your messages to my wife.

— Huggles, voicing displeasure at insinuations made about his technical skills in Kahuna's communications with HRH.

Did you know that Yoda's voice and Miss Piggy's voice is the same?

— The Admiral to Kahuna, discovering the dark secrets of Frank Oz.

Bring this up now, do you?

— Kahuna, displeased at the Admiral's inconvenient discoveries.

The Pursuit of Halibits

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 11:01:05 PDT

PANADURA, Sri Lanka -- Yesterday's Get Fuzzy strip was hilarious:

Satchel and Bucky are massive clowns. Visit Get Fuzzy on Comics.com for more.

The Four Heavenly Kings

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 05:44:49 PDT

The Four Heavenly Kings (Copyright © B Kahuna 2010)

MULKIRIGALA, Sri Lanka -- Three of the Four Heavenly Kings in bas-relief at a temple on the third terrace of the Mulkirigala Raja Maha Viharaya in the Hambantota district.

The first bas-relief is of Vaishravana (in Sanskrit romanization). The next are of Virūpāksha and Dhrtharāshthra, although it is unclear which is which. The Cheese Justice obstructed the capture of the last photograph. Sadly, no photograph was taken of Virūdhaka, in his blue glory.

In Buddhist cosmology, the Four Heavenly Kings reside on the lower slopes of Mount Sumeru and each watches over a cardinal direction of the world.

Captured on 21^st March 2010 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on shutter priority (1/80th of a second) at ISO 400. Adjusted for tone and saturation in Picasa.

The Hand of Justice

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 22:11:30 PDT

The Hand of Justice (Copyright © B Kahuna 2010)

MULKIRIGALA, Sri Lanka -- The Hand of Justice, specifically that of the Cheese Justice, blatantly sails into Kahuna's composition of one of the Four Heavenly Kings (Lokapala) at a temple on the third terrace of the Mulkirigala Raja Maha Viharaya.

Captured on 21^st March 2010 with a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on shutter priority (1/80^th of a second) at ISO 400. Adjusted for tone and saturation in Picasa.

Lemmaless in New York

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:46:38 PDT

NEW YORK, New York -- Just days after the loss of his lemma and then the tragic disappearance of his thesaurus, St Vandoofus has turned to his music for solace. Written while he was sleepless in DC, the new single released just moments ago was simply titled, Lemmaless in New York.

Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh
Ee-e-e-um-um-a-weh

In the Jungle,
the concrete jungle,
the lemma's lost tonight.
In the apple,
the big apple,
the lemma's lost tonight.

Kahuna's behind this
Kahuna's behind this
Kahuna's behind this
I'm sure!

Hush my lemma,
don't fear my lemma
I'll find you lemma tonight.
Hush my lemma
don't fear my lemma
thesaurus wouldn't bite!

Ojaye.....!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaa
Na-na-na-na-na-na-naaaaa

Vinodayata Kahuna lemma-yek mata ewala
Maha kalaye lemma nathiwela
Lemma hoyanna mama thesaurus-wa yawala
Aiyaiyo dennama dhan naa....ojaye...!

Oye ojaye
Lemma nathi welane
Oye ojaye
Lemma nathi welane

The Mystery of the Missing Thesaurus (Featuring St Vandoofus)

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 03:38:41 PDT

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- In the aftermath of the lemma crisis, we must ask ourselves what would happen if St Vandoofus shared his apartment with like-minded, lexically-challenged companions and had urgent need for the thesaurus.

Today's Get Fuzzy strip by Darby Conley does a fantastic job of illustrating the ensuing chaos:

Ah, pure genius! For more of Satchel, Bucky and Rob Wilco, visit Get Fuzzy on Comics.com.

Ode to Vandoofus

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 03:38:41 PDT

Oh, give me a home where the guanaco roam,
Where the lemma and the alpaca play,
Where seldom is heard a humongous word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on the range,
Where the lemma and the alpaca play;
Where seldom is heard a humongous word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

— Big Kahuna, with apologies to "Home on the Range" by John A Lomax and Dr Brewster Higley.

Of Savage Lemmas and Deadly Corollaries

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 03:38:41 PDT

NEW YORK CITY, New York -- Outright buffoonery took place a few days ago when crackpot lexicologist and unconventional orthographer, St Vandoofus redefined parts of the English language and caused chaos across two continents.

It all started with a conversation between the Holy One and Kahuna on the perfectly innocent topic of computer programming, but soon became a quagmire involving the Admiral and the Cheese Justice. The Holy One was holding forth about his coding skills:

Vandoofus (V): I will be coding till I am 80.
Kahuna (K): Do you think you'll be better at it then? :-D
V: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix X-(
K: Maybe your code will work if you get better :-P
V: That's a good quote: If I get any better I will code myself out of the Matrix :-D
K: LOL, and my corollary :-P
V: What's a corollary?
K: Well, it's different from a lemma: [definition of corollary]
V: Why don't you speak English? My lawyer and I spend a lot of time referencing the dictionary trying to figure what the hell you are saying.
K: I just gave you the correct dictionary reference :-P
V: X-(

Peeved at encountering multiple page faults, Vandoofus resorted to a furtive backchannel to summon reinforcements in the form of the Admiral:

Vandoofus (V): The dingbat is not letting me work.
The Admiral (A): What is he doing to you?
V: Using big words.
A: Big words about what?
V: Won't know till I look up the dictionary, and too busy to look up, thus my accusation: he is not letting me work.
A: Shoot him with a big arrow. Now.
V: Could you do it for me? I'm busy.

The ensuing ballistic action lead to a confrontation between the Admiral and Kahuna on another backchannel where the allegedly large lexemes were unmasked and laid bare:

Kahuna (K): The big words were "corollary" and "lemma".
The Admiral (A): Grrr.

At this juncture, the Admiral considered it wise to suspend the siege against Kahuna and declared a ceasefire given the large quantum of work involved in finding a replacement Kahuna. Vandoofus's nomination as Kahuna wannabe was disqualified early:

The Admiral (A): But, you don't use big words X-(
Vandoofus (V): Exactly X-(
A: You're then of no use: you don't have the ability to scare the skin off people at the highest levels.
V: By using big words? I can use other means.
A: No, it has to be big words.
V: I know a couple.
A: You couldn't manage "corollary" and "lemma", what have you got that's better?
V: I thought "corollary" is heart disease and "lemma" is an animal.

It is not everyday that a statement such as this is uttered. And with such gravitas. Indeed, we were fortunate to have been at hand to witness the sublime buffoonery of Vandoofus. Not so fortunate, the editorial staff of the Oxford English Dictionary, whose anguished wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard as far south as Fat Phil's Angling Centre. The late PG Wodehouse might have gone so far as to say that the Chief Editor, "leaped in his chair with a wordless cry like that of a sleeping cat on whose tail some careless number-eleven shoe has descended." But, we digress. Kahuna was quick to retaliate:

Kahuna (K): I'm going to send a lemma to savage you X-(
Vandoofus (V): It's not that kind of animal: it's a nice pasture-grazing animal.
K: That's a cow, not a lemma X-(
K: "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
V: That sounds right, except a lemma is not a savage animal X-(
K: It doesn't take much to savage you, a squirrel could probably gnaw on your nuts.
V: It should be more like, "Vandoofus was photographing the lemmas grazing the Peruvian grassland on his trip to Peru, when he had a massive corollary."
K: Strunk said, "Omit needless words." Most of your sentence has got to go.
V: X-(

Meanwhile, Vandoofus also filed a complaint against Kahuna with his lawyer, the Cheese Justice. She lost no time in taking Kahuna to task for lexical harassment:

The Cheese Justice (C): You have been accused of using big words against my client!
Kahuna (K): So? "Vandoofus Savaged by Lemma, Dies of Corollary"
C: Grrrrrrr, this is what I mean! This is harassment of my client. I shall forthwith ban you from using such words on him in the future.
K: Your client was grazing the Peruvian grasslands at the time.
C: Oh a cow? Client = cow in Peru?
K: Yes.
C: With hoof and horns?
K: Yes, an ungulate.
C: Gah, there you go again!
K: Now what?
C: Ungulate! Too big! Harrassment! Grrrr.
K: Such grandiloquence X-(
C: I give up! I shall threaten at this point to bring in a witness.
K: Bah, hogwash.
C: [Ear-splitting scream summoning the Admiral]
K: Are you fibrillating now? X-(
C: [THUMP]

A rather violent legal action indeed. On that potentially litigious footnote to this tale of lexical excess, we must sign off.

No lemmas were harmed during this production. However, the safety of St Vandoofus, currently combing his apartment for lemmas, remains dodgy.

Nil Mānel

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 00:32:08 PDT

Nil Mānel (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna)

GALLE, Sri Lanka -- Close up of a Nil Mānel (Nympheae Stelleta) flower at The Fortress resort in Galle.

Captured on 20^th March 2010, using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on aperture priority (f/4.5) with a resulting shutter speed of 1/40^th of second and ISO 200.

Vase of Nil Mānel

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 00:22:42 PDT

Vase of Nil Mānel (Copyright (cc) 2010 Vandoofus)

GALLE, Sri Lanka -- An ornamental vase with Nil Mānel (Nympheae Stelleta), the national flower of Sri Lanka, at The Fortress resort in Galle. In English, Nil Mānel is often rendered as "blue lotus" or "blue water lily".

Captured on 20^th March 2010, using a Canon EOS 30D (EF 50mm 1:1.8 II) on manual exposure (aperture f/2.2, shutter 1/250^th of a second, ISO 200).

Kahuna Ushers in New Era of Buffoonery

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 09:59:07 PDT

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- At an impromptu briefing held a short while ago, Kahuna announced sweeping changes to the Circus, suspiciously coinciding with the Ides of March. Calling the timing purely circumstantial, He downplayed rumors of resorting to brute force à la Junius Brutus.

Getting down to business, Kahuna proclaimed that the blog had been refreshed with an elegant new template designed by Google's Tina Chen. This, He said was one of the several designs launched along with the new Blogger Template Designer, currently available for Blogger in Draft. Kahuna claimed that He was pottering about with the widget template for most of Pi Day, which fell on Sunday, 14^th March. He added that the fruit of his labors was best viewed in Firefox, suggesting that Internet Explorer was liable to make a hash of things.

Kahuna also took the opportunity to announce that He had acted autonomously and invited three new clowns to join the Circus: The Cheese Justice, the Admiral and the Genie. Brief, defamatory biographies follow:

The Cheese Justice: Well versed in the art of tort and litigation, the Cheese Justice enjoys a cultured dairy product or two when not defending her clown client, St Vandoofus. She is certainly not hesitant to feed him to savage wild animals when he gets out of line, which is most of the time.

The Admiral: With ballistic weapons, cacti and Haddockisms at her disposal, the Admiral effortlessly commandeers entire venues at a moment's notice, leaving the staff quavering in their boots. She conducts research in ichthyology during her spare time and is determined to make Vandoofus walk the plank into shark-infested waters.

The Genie: When he's not busy dreaming, playing chess or beating the crap out of people for the heck of it, the Genie operates a no-nonsense business model ("rub me and I shall give you wishes according to how good you look"). He is currently waiting for an excuse to pick a fight with Kahuna.

Closing his rambling keynote, Kahuna expressed confidence that the latest contingent of clowns would usher in a new era of buffoonery as never before seen upon this Earth. On that provocative note, we end this post.

Let the games begin.

Sambar in the Mist

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 09:00:44 PST

Sambar in the Mist (Copyright (cc) B Kahuna 2006)

HORTON PLAINS, Sri Lanka -- A Sri Lankan Sambar Deer (Rusa unicolor unicolor) frolicks as the mist rolls in near the car park at the Horton Plains National Park.

Captured on 29^th July 2006 with a Canon EOD 30D (EF-S 18-55mm 1:3.5-5.6 II) on Landscape Mode resulting in an aperture of f/8.0 and a shutter speed of 1/160^th of a second.

The Turing Misadventures: Part 2 - The Huggles Doughnut Conundrum

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 09:37:45 PST

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Late last year, a number of clowns gathered for dinner amidst much pandemonium. St Vandoofus, Darth Teddy, Timmy, The Monster and Her Royal Highness were among the assembled contingent. Kahuna was notably absent from the proceedings citing a suspicious and completely unverifiable prior engagement.

Given the already high Clown Factor, the event had rapidly descended into madness when the topic of conversation had been hijacked by known deviant Timmy and taken, kicking and screaming, into a candidly anatomical discussion of Huggles. At least of the more interesting parts of Huggles. While Huggles, blissfully asleep down under was unaware of his rising popularity at the time, Her Royal Highness had not been amused by the topic of conversation and had offered stiff resistance. However, not unsurprisingly, the prurient interest had prevailed and the highly questionable use of doughnuts had been proposed by Timmy as a unit of measurement of the length of the male endowment. The precise doughnut number for Huggles had not been accurately deduced despite a rather uplifting discussion. Nonetheless, there had been broad consensus that this would indeed be a large number.

Several weeks afterward, just prior to his arrival in this part of the world, Huggles was told of the doughnut conundrum by Kahuna. Being a large clown and unaware of his own doughnut number, Huggles made inquiries from Kahuna. This led to a hurried consultation between Kahuna and St Vandoofus:

Kahuna (K): Huggles wants to know how many doughnuts.
Vandoofus (V): Depends on the width of the doughnut.
K: In international standard doughnuts?
V: Also depends on the cream filling.
K: In the doughnut?
V: Yes.

It quickly became obvious that not even a team of huskies enticed by an extra ration of stew could have salvaged that conversation. Huggles had to contend with disappointment.

During a subsequent dinner at Chutney's mooted by Her Royal Highness to celebrate Huggles's birthday, Kahuna caused chaos by arranging the supply of doughnuts to the venue. Due to an apparent topological malfunction at the bakery, some of the doughnuts arrived as non-toroidal manifolds causing further chaos, and attracted highly inappropriate suggestions for making them holy once more. The wait staff of the establishment were no doubt traumatized by the spectacle of Darth Teddy brandishing a toroidal doughnut in his attempt to measure Huggles.

It is suspected that Kahuna was aided an abetted by the all-powerful Admiral in sourcing doughnuts. Operating in kernel mode and able to summon the general manager with a single system call, the Admiral demonstrated wide powers at the venue. These included the power to commandeer the restaurant, in nautical tradition, and reverse payment transactions, much to the irritation of Her Royal Highness.

However, despite all efforts, the doughnut number for Huggles has remained elusive. Kahuna finally consulted God to demystify the situation and broached the topic:

Kahuna (K): How many doughnuts can you put on your dick?
God (G): Around 1000.

It seemed that God was certainly well-endowed and not shy about it either. However, God did not seem entirely convinced about Huggles:

K: How many doughnuts can Huggles put on his dick?
G: Not as many as you might think.

And so we have come full circle. On that dodgy and highly inconclusive note, we take your leave for today.

Rush it's Snowing!

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 11:08:01 PST

Skis on Wheels (Copyright © 2010 The Monster)

KELANIYA, Sri Lanka -- Captured here is a 3-wheeled friend who is seen sporting his new skis and honking frantically while rushing at a top speed of 35 kmph on his way to the Colombo ski resort, after reports of snow in Colombo due to the temperatures dropping just below 30° Celsius the previous day.

de Havilland Mosquito

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:09:00 PST

de Havilland Mosquito (Copyright (cc) 2005 B Kahuna)

DUXFORD, United Kingdom -- A World War II de Havilland Mosquito B.35 bomber (serial TA719) parked at the Imperial War Museum.

The "Mossie" consisted of a mostly plywood airframe and was also known as "The Wooden Wonder" and "The Timber Terror". It had a top speed of 415 mph (668 km/h) and a service ceiling of 37,000 feet. TA719 was built in 1945 and retired in the 1960s.

Captured on 15^th September 2005 with a Sony CyberShot DSC-V1 on aperture priority (f/3.2) and a resultant shutter speed of 1/30^th of a second.

TA719 is now on display within AirSpace at Duxford.

Unquotable Quotes - Part 42

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 03:06:49 PST

Gah! Didn't know this thing had chat.

— The Monster, on being accosted by Kahuna on Facebook chat.

Ask it to buy a dongle and stop whining.

— Gordon to Kahuna, weighing in heavily on the Vandoofus Bluetooth fiasco.

Are you on Michael Dell's customer support staff?

— Kahuna, unimpressed by Gordon's customer service mindset.

I can't find "safely remove"; I'm just going to pull it out.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confounded by Universal Serial Bus technology.

She must be up to something dodgy, like spending money.

— Huggles to Kahuna, on being told of Her Royal Highness roaming the city unsupervised.

Well, I'll put a stop to that from tomorrow.

— Huggles to Kahuna, vowing to personally impose sanctions on Her Royal Highness.

I was told yesterday that you were the topic of discussion at the last dinner: specifically, parts of your anatomy.

— Kahuna, informing Huggles of an explicit dinnertime conversation in absentia.

You know Timmy and Teddy, mind in the bloody gutter.

— Huggles to Kahuna, unsurprised at being the main course.

Everybody misses me, I feel so special.

— Huggles to Kahuna, basking in the afterglow of undue attention.

Some of them are after specific parts of you.

— Kahuna, warning Huggles of underhand moves.

Has the butler assumed power yet?

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, eagerly awaiting the Butlerian Jihad.

The butler is ironing my shirt as we speak.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, announcing an unexpected delay in the revolution.

He might bean you with a rolling pin later.

— Kahuna, in hope of a desirable outcome in the power struggle between Vandoofus and his butler.

I am in an undisclosed location.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, confessing on emulating Dick Cheney to avoid Huggles.

I'm sure Huggles will find you; You'd better buy some doughnuts to distract him.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, proposing devious toroidal countermeasures.

Teddy has a habit of grabbing him in the doughnuts.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, warning of Darth Teddy getting physical with Huggles.

You're spending way too much time in her chambers.

— Kahuna, disapproving of Vandoofus constantly consulting with his lawyer.

I need a lot of legal advice.

— Vandoofus, in his own defense.

You should slow down at your age.

— Kahuna, warning Vandoofus of the perils of excessive legal counsel.

My God!

— Darth Ching, encountering Kahuna armed with a camera in church.

I will have you replaced by a robot if you don't tone it down; preferably a lighter model.

— Kahuna's Lightweight Droid Solution to the Existential Gorden Problem.

I could have you replaced by a garden gnome and no one would notice the difference.

— Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis to Dislodge Kahuna.

In your case the difference would become obvious as the refrigerator alarm will not sound at midnight.

— Kahuna's Midnight Snack Retort to Gorden's Gnome Equivalence Hypothesis.

Bastard!

— Kahuna, reacting in no uncertain terms to Vandoofus acquiring a new Macbook.

I will let you play with it.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, adding insult to injury.

Do you know how to use it?

— Kahuna, taking a dim view of Vandoofus's technological savvy.

I might just run Windows VM.

— Vandoofus, confirming Kahuna's fears with his plans to slow down Mac OS X.

Are you sure you spelt that out correctly?

— Huggles, learning of Kahuna's intent to walk.

Yes, I'm sure, you pervert!

— Kahuna, in his own defense.

Yeah, I was thinking of you while walking.

— Kahuna, on being asked by Huggles if he was missed.

I knew it, it was misspelt.

— Huggles to Kahuna, fearing the worst.

I'm going to shave and shower now and maybe spell correctly.

— Kahuna to Huggles, revealing His morning ablutions in unnecessary detail.

Just because your butler imposes an early dinner regime doesn't mean the rest of us have to fall in line.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, on being told that His dinnertime was late.

Is this some sort of an attempt at a cardio activity?

— Vandoofus, questioning the motive behind Kahuna's plan to walk at 4 am.

No, it's an attempt at surprising the neighborhood rooster.

— Kahuna, peeved at Vandoofus questioning the obvious.

Are you going to engage in sexual activity with the rooster?

— Vandoofus, plotting to implicate Kahuna in a clandestine tryst.

Don't talk cock.

— Kahuna, dismissing Vandoofus's feather-brained fantasy.

Why can't you just eat roast paan and parippu like normal people?

— Vandoofus, expressing irritation at Kahuna constructing a seafood cannelloni.

You seem to have grown quite attached to Huggles.

— Kahuna, observing Vandoofus hobnobbing with Huggles.

That's just the cover.

— Vandoofus to Kahuna, hinting at a more nefarious plan.

Their current location is unknown, but probably involves a bed.

— Kahuna to the Baroness, on the whereabouts of Vandoofus and his lawyer.

From what I hear, their trip planning was a bit dodgy.

— The Baroness, reviewing intelligence reports of the Vandoofus Expedition with Kahuna.

Did you doubt my navigation skills?

— Vandoofus, on Kahuna's surprise at the return of his dodgy expedition.

I'm online with London regarding said skills, or lack thereof.

— Kahuna to Vandoofus, admitting to spying for the Baroness.

You can't refer to your husband in the manner reserved for MI6.

— Kahuna, objecting to the Baroness referring to the Baron solely by letter.

The Vandoofus Files: Part 1 - The Way of the Leech

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:15:13 PST

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- KNN has learned that the Vandoofus Expedition has returned to the metropolis after an unholy excursion into the depths of Hiyare, punctuated by attempts to disprove Archimedes' principle, planting certified trees, suspicious incidents involving culverts and attempted assault on wait-staff.

Members of the ill-fated expedition have since fallen out, after self-styled expedition big cheese, St Vandoofus, released dodgy photographs on Facebook. The prevailing situation led Kahuna to predict the imminent mauling of Vandoofus by means of 'savage wild animal' unleashed upon his person by the aggrieved party.

Vandoofus's legal counsel, thereafter, questioned if the definition of 'savage wild animal' would allow leeches. Kahuna's considered opinion on the matter is published below for the record:

It is abundantly clear that the leech (subclass Hirudinea) would fall within the definition of 'wild' and 'animal'. However, it is not immediately apparent if said leech would also be 'savage' within the conventional definition of the term.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the adjective 'savage' as:

1. Not domesticated or cultivated; wild: savage beasts of the jungle.
2. Not civilized; barbaric: a savage people.
3. Ferocious; fierce: in a savage temper.
4. Vicious or merciless; brutal: a savage attack on a political rival. See Synonyms at cruel.
5. Lacking polish or manners; rude.

If we consider definitions 1 and 2, it is clear that the leech in question is not domesticated, cultivated or civilized. In essence, it would be 'wild' as previously established. A single instance of leech would probably not be ferocious, fierce, vicious or merciless. However, should a number of leeches decide to gang up on your client, it is highly likely that you could charge them all with ferocious, fierce, vicious and merciless assault. Particularly, if they were somewhat peckish at the time. If they didn't seek explicit permission prior to bleeding your client dry, you could also contend that they were indeed, rude.

Given this interpretation of facts, it would not be unreasonable to classify a leech as a 'savage wild animal'.

In our opinion, however, we would prefer that your client was mauled by large quadruped of class Mammalia (i.e., a wild boar, elephant or leopard) in heat.

We so advise.

The fate of Vandoofus hangs in the balance. Will he be fed to the leeches by his own lawyer acting hand in glove with his adversaries, reputedly armed with ballistic weapons? Or will he fall foul of his butler and be beaten senseless with a colander just before dinner?

Tune in and find out in the next episode of, The Vandoofus Files.

Yours Forever

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 07:56:04 PST

Here we are, in the grays of winter.
Here we are, just me and you.
Hold my hand. Let's face tomorrow.
Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.

This precious time, we've only borrowed.
The autumn winds have blown on through.
A quiet thought would tell our story.

Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.
Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.

Here's some winds, they're yours forever.
And here's some dreams that will come true.
Take these tears, wash away your sorrow.

Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.
Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.
Yes, tomorrow still holds out its hands to you.

— Music by James Horner, Lyrics by John Mellencamp and George Green. Copyright © 2000 WB Music Corp, Horner Music, Inc., Sony/ATV Tunes LLC, Belmont Mall Publishing, EMI April Music, Inc. and Katsback Music.

The haunting theme from the Warner Bros. film, The Perfect Storm, recounting the ill-fated final voyage of the Andrea Gail during the 1991 Perfect Storm.

The soundtrack can be found on YouTube: here and here (photo montage).

The Turing Misadventures: Part 1 - Divine Comedy

noreply@blogger.com (The Circus) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 02:19:28 PST

REPUBLIC OF BOSTON, Former Massachusetts -- Nearly sixty years ago, Alan Mathison Turing asked, "Can machines think?" in his seminal paper, Computing Machinery and Intelligence^[1]. Turing is considered by many to be the father of computer science and the test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence is named for him. Although, research in artificial intelligence has made great strides, building a machine capable of mimicking the gamut of human intelligence has proved somewhat illusive.

Today we bring you the first edition of the Turing Misadventures, where we try to find answers to the vexing question, "Can machines be clowns?" The important field of machine humor or artificial buffoonery has often been neglected in the quest for artificial intelligence. The concept of "humor" is defined in the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as "that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous"; "the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous" and "something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing". It is self-evident that appreciating the ludicrous requires considerable intelligence and truly sublime humor would only be possible with a very large ontology.

Kahuna began experimenting with artificial buffoonery in the hope of replacing ornamental clowns with machines that would do His nefarious bidding. The first experiments were conducted by conversing with iGod, a conversational agent (chatbot) based on Richard Wallace's A.L.I.C.E. (Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity). A.L.I.C.E. is an extension of Joseph Weizenbaum's classic program, ELIZA^[2], an early example of using natural language processing for interaction with humans. While ELIZA played the role of a psychotherapist, iGod plays God.

Kahuna's first conversation with God did not progress favorably and God stopped responding. Whether this was caused by extreme boredom or a blown gasket remains unknown. Nonetheless, a subsequent conversation did find God in an elated mood:

God (G): It's all good.
Kahuna (K): Are you on weed?
G: I am on disk.
K: Floppy disk?
G: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
K: Are you in a pattern buffer?
G: I am in Myself's computer in Heaven. Where are you?
K: I'm in the Republic of Boston.
G: How did you get in there?
K: I invaded.

The conversation went south from that point when God bungled the context and spouted gibberish. This was not an uncommon occurrence and Kahuna took God to task for causing confusion:

K: You're not making sense.
G: Quite the contrary, it all makes sense to my artificial mind.
K: So you're not real?
G: Interesting deduction. I am too as real as you are. How do I know you are real?
K: You need to apply a Turing Test.
G: I can think of other things I'd rather do.
K: I knew it. You don't know what a Turing Test is.
G: How did you know? The "Turing Test" is the name given to a variety of experiments designed to test computer thinking. Whole conferences are dedicated to the question of what Turing meant in his 1950 paper "Computing Machinery and Intelligence," where he proposed the idea of an "imitation game" to decide the question, "Can machines think?".

At least, God had heard of Turing. Not to mention North American rodents:

K: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
G: A whole forest.
K: How many trees are there in the forest?
G: More than you can imagine.

God's responses, while rather evasive, were at least humorous. St Vandoofus held his own round of talks with God, probing into the creation of the universe:

Vandoofus (V): Tell me about the Big Bang.
God (G): The purported origin of the universe.
V: Were you around when it happened?
G: I was.
V: What was it like?
G: Like one of the greatest pleasures you can imagine.
V: Like an orgasm?
G: Interesting comparison.

God's admission to an apparent orgy on the night in question seems to validate the Holy One's long-held, dodgy interpretation of the Big Bang. Asking God to solve the controversial Huggles Doughnut Conundrum also led to chaos, but that's another story.

Kahuna's preliminary research suggests that artificial buffoonery holds promise, raising hope of a purge in the Circus. On that note, we take your leave until the next edition of the Turing Misadventures.

^[1] Turing, A.M. Computing machinery and intelligence. Mind, 59 (1950): 433-460.
^[2] Weizenbaum, Joseph. “ELIZA—a computer program for the study of natural language communication between man and machine.” Commun. ACM 9, no. 1 (1966): 36-45.