CityMama™

The Heroes In Our Midst [Listen To Your Mother San Francisco 2013]

2013-05-13T10:07:18-07:00

Me, backstage with Yuliya Patsay and Lizz Porter.

Last night I had the honor of standing onstage alongside 13 other writers telling the audience about what life is really like for mothers who work. Polly called it "anthemic" and I think that is an apt description. Someone else said, "It's the piece we wish every husband could hear." So be it.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I don't blog much anymore (because, work), but last night, it was nice to be reminded that at one point in my life, I wrote every single day for almost a decade, and I did it here. Being a part of Listen To Your Mother has been inspirational in so many ways, but the biggest surprise for me has been how much it has reawakened my desire (burning hot!) to write, to create, to tell stories again. It's strange, but I really thought that that part of my life was over. At least for now. After having been a part of this process for the last two months, and spending time with these exceptionally talented women, it's now hard for me to fathom ever thinking that.

I am a writer. I write. Maybe not now, but the stories are inside of me, and I will get them out.

This is the piece I read last night. I hear that video is in the works and when I have it, I will share here.

The Heroes In Our Midst

To the mothers who work, especially the single mothers who work:

The ones who know that staying home with kids is work, too, but who choose to work outside the home because they need to (and, maybe, wish they didn't)

or they like to (and, maybe, wish they didn't).

The ones who would like to slow down. Just a little.

The ones who've taught their kids to do their own ponytails in the morning so they can have five extra minutes to shower (because they know it takes exactly five minutes to shower, dry off, lotion up, put on deodorant, and get dressed—if they don't have to wash their hair and can do their make-up in the car).

The ones who must schedule work meetings and phone calls right after school drop-off and hope they can make it in and out of school without having to chat anyone up.

The ones who would like to chat someone up at school drop-off sometimes.

The ones whose third babysitter quit yesterday.

The ones who take their kids to a daycare center and wonder if their baby is getting enough hugs.

The ones whose entire paycheck pays for the nanny.

The ones who forget to pump and send a wish out into the universe that their baby will take the formula, just this once, today.

The ones who do reviews or expense reports at 4:00 AM because that's when the house is quiet. Or because they can't sleep anyway.

The ones who struggle to keep the cell phone off the dinner table because they are expecting an important email—the one with that signed contract or the final approvals or the boss's feedback—and want to respond right away.

The ones who travel. Especially the ones who travel, who spend hours arranging childcare and creating after-school schedules and calling in playdate favors and prepacking lunches and washing clothes and making and freezing meals (even though you know they'll eat pizza every night anyway) and finding library books (a full time job in and of itself) who tell themselves they'll prepare for that conference or meeting on the plane. Who set alarms—no matter what time zone they are in—to remind themselves to text their spouses or babysitters to pick up the kids here or drop them off there.

The ones who, maybe once, didn't tell their child about a weekend birthday party so you could spend that time together.

The ones who would like to workout more, but can never find the time.

The ones who grocery shop at 10 o' clock at night so there will be yogurts and cold cuts for school lunches the next morning.

The ones whose children know exactly what they do for a living and can tell all their friends. (Which secretly makes them proud.)

The ones who could tell Sheryl Sandberg a thing or two about leaning in.

The ones who've taught the older child to pour the orange juice without spilling and help the younger child reach the cereal bowls.

The ones whose babies wake up to nurse at 2:00 AM, just as they are finally about to fall asleep.

The ones who, even though they are exhausted and up nursing at 2:00 AM, can still feel their hearts burst with love as the baby grips the front of their nightgowns and tries to pull them closer.

The ones who quietly kiss, cuddle, and play with that nursing baby, even though it's 2:00AM, and they know they shouldn't be keeping that baby awake, but they just can't help themselves because those moments are precious.

The ones who lie awake at night wondering if they are spending enough time with their kids. Their really, really great kids.

The ones who barely make it to the school performance (cursing the full school parking lot as they create a temporary parking space next to the Dumpster) and delight in their child’s smile when their searching eyes finally spot their mama standing in the back.

The ones who take baths with their kids sometimes so they can spend more time together (and so they won't have to shower in the morning).

The ones who bake together, even if it's a box of Trader Joe's truffle brownies, which are still pretty damn good.

The ones who worry that because they have children they have to work harder, longer, faster, and that they will still be held to a different standard than those who don't have children, even though having children—more than just about anything—teaches you to work more efficiently and cut through the bullshit.

To the ones who do all this, feel all of this, live through this, and still find the time to show up, to prioritize, to talk, to carpool, to cook, to cuddle, to succeed at work or fail—

I see you try.

I feel your exhaustion.

I know your sleeplessness, your worry, your guilt.

But I also know your caring, your tenderness, your understanding, your integrity, your heart that is open to possibility, your love that knows no bounds.

Yes, we work, but first, we are mothers.

And you are my heroes.

If you are here because of Listen To Your Mother—Welcome!

2013-03-12T08:58:34-07:00

I am so proud to be part of the Listen To Your Mother 2013 San Francisco cast. It's an honor to be able to share my writing in this way with so many women I admire, and I look forward to an amazing show.

I started CityMama 10 years ago to document the "urban mother" experience. Being a new mom in a big city came with challenges (like trying to haul a baby and a stroller and groceries onto the 22 bus) that I wasn't reading about in other parenting blogs at the time.

Over the years CityMama became many things—part love letter to my children, part documenting of the recipes that I cooked for them, part commentary on child-rearing in a media-intense world. This blog has been my rock over the last 10 years—a place to share my feelings and to find community.

The past two years have brought many changes to my life, and the CityMama chapter, in some ways, feels over. A new chapter has already begun and while I have felt it too precious to share (there are some thoughts and feelings that I do want to keep just for myself and my loved ones), lately I have been thinking about writing again. When and if I decide to do it, I will let you know. It won't be here.

In the meantime, welcome to CityMama. Take a look around. If you need pointing in the right direction, you can start with a few of my favorite posts:

My Most Important Job: Protector of Hearts, Souls, and Minds

Dancing But Not Letting Go Just Yet

The Right To Choose...What Your Kids Watch On TV

When I Was Your Age, We Played Outside And Our Parents Didn't Care What We Did, And We Liked It That Way

Holding On

Happy Reading,

Stefania

P.S. Buy your "Listen To Your Mother San Francisco" tickets here!

Attention Women: You Are Not Pathetic

2012-12-04T18:59:27-08:00

Just when I thought I was letting my blog die a slow death, Sarah Lacy’s recent article on Marissa Mayer’s life as a working mom pulls me back in.

Lacy suggests that women who are critical of Marissa Mayer’s statements that she wasn’t planning to take much of a maternity leave and that her baby is “easy” are “pathetic.” I agree with much of what Lacy says, including that we don't need Marissa Mayer's "permission to decide how to balance career and family," but unlike Lacy, I do think what high-profile working mothers say carries weight with other working mothers whether we like it or not.

Marissa Mayer and I live in the same neighborhood and I drive by her house every day. My kids trick-or-treat at her house on Halloween because not only does she have the best decorations (think Pottery Barn meets the Griswolds and she does it up for every holiday), but she hands out the best (full-size) candy. This year I admit I got a secret thrill from seeing her handing out candy while holding her baby.

She is someone I admire because raising a family and holding a job—high-profile or not—is not easy. It takes a village, and I’m interested in women I admire honestly sharing about what that village looks like.

No, Mayer didn’t thrust herself into the role of being the most highly visible woman in tech,” she IS the most highly visible woman in tech. What she says—whether about babies or Blackberries—matters.

Besides lack of sleep, nothing causes a new parent more grief than comparing what you are doing to how other parents are doing it. We don’t want to do it wrong, so we read dozens of books, blogs, and baby sites and query our other parent friends to death looking for any shards of brilliance that might help us to do it “the best way,” instead of focusing on the best way to do it for our own families.

I remember my mother hanging around for one of my weekly mom’s group baby “play dates” and making the observation that we all spent so much time talkingtalkingtalking about parenting. I think her exact comment was something like, “My generation didn’t spend so my time talking about taking care of babies, we just tucked our Dr. Spock's under our arms and did it.”

Marissa Mayer’s “reality” has little to do with mine, but like Marissa Mayer and Sarah Lacy, I’m trying to raise a family while also “raising” a company. I'm interested in having an honest conversation about what that is really like.

Yesterday, as I was finishing up a meeting with my co-founder and a potential advisory board member, I got the call from my toddler’s daycare that he had a fever and could I come and pick him up, please. And no, he would not be welcome at daycare tomorrow due to their “24 hours with no fever” return policy.

I raced to pick him up because I didn’t want him to be sick at daycare one minute longer than he had to. When I collected him he was flushed and warm and definitely not himself. I knew that the rest of my work day was probably shot, at least until he went to bed. And I wondered what to do about the next day.

A day without childcare.

The day of our very first investor pitch.

This is the reality of so many mothers who work. A child gets sick on the day of a very important something. And if you are a single parent like I am, reality is always top-of-mind because avoiding the curveballs is harder.

I am thrilled that Yahoo! hired the best person for the job and she happened to be a pregnant woman. I am in her corner rooting for her to succeed. I don’t doubt that in order for Marissa Mayer to do her job effectively she has an army of people helping her, and that is as it should be. I don’t fault her for that. I also think it’s awesome that Sarah Lacy can start a company out of her house with the help of a devoted caregiver because that is also as it should be.

But that is not the reality of so many women who either have to work or have to stay-home because they can't afford to do both. Or who work but can’t afford enough childcare so some part of a day is always uncovered. Or who stay home and would love a break once in a while but can’t afford help. Or who would love to work from home with their babies at their side instead of in an office 15 freeway exits away.

When you are a mother and running a company, you especially look to other mothers who run companies to see how they prioritize different demands. It’s why I especially took note of what Marissa Mayer said about maternity leave. And was bummed.

When my co-founders and I started Clever Girls Collective, we put pretty much all of the money we earned back into the company for the first year. We paid our employees before we paid ourselves.

Women tend to run their start-ups very conservatively. We felt we had a responsibility to take care of our employees (we now have 23) as well as to ensure that we always remained in the black with a nice cushion in our bank account because you never know.

Eighteen months after launching Clever Girls, I had my third child. I went back to work after 7 weeks—luxurious by Mayer’s standards, a pittance by Google standards—for a variety of reasons. I went back because I wanted to go back, but there is no question that I was conflicted about it. And that’s normal.

About then, we could afford to finally pay ourselves a (below-market-rate) salary, and all of my paycheck—not part, ALL—went to childcare. I was still with my kids’ dad at the time so we had his paycheck, but anyone who lives in Silicon Valley on one paycheck knows what a struggle that can be.

As women founders my co-founders and I are very mindful of being positive examples not just to our employees, but also—for the three of us who have them—to our children. I have two daughters and a son, and I want them to be proud of the choices I have made. The choice to work, to build something, to show them what women can do. That we have a choice. This is why, when it came time to craft our own maternity leave policy, we ensured it was more generous than what our benefits provider recommended.

As so many people have already pointed out, I wish Marissa Mayer had said, “I’m not sure how long of a maternity leave I’ll take.” Or “My baby is easy and I am so lucky to have help.” Maybe she did say that. Maybe it’s none of any of our business. But as a woman founder and a mother of three who listens carefully to what other women founders say, I would have welcomed temperance.

I have some help now. My children are well-cared for, my laundry gets folded sometimes, and my house is about as tidy any small house filled with three kids and three kids’-worth of stuff can be. I can complain about having to do dishes or change diapers or pack lunches, but I’m not going to pretend that my complaints are anything compared to women who do it all on their own.

Yes, we are all responsible for raising our own children the best way we know how AND it does matter what high-profile women say on the subject. Too many women will hear what Mayer has to say and make choices that will be wrong for their families. Or will be depressed. The answer is not to call them “pathetic.” The answer is to be the kind of women who say, “How can I help you?” Or, “Trust yourself.” Or, “How about I come over and take the baby for a walk while you sleep…or finish that balance sheet.”

The answer is to be the kind of women who ensure that the women who work for them have all the support they need to make the best possible choices for their families.

The investor pitch went fine.

My mom ended up watching my sick boy because whenever I am in a jam, she always says, “Yes.” Later I took him to the doctor and now he is asleep and I will catch up on all the unread emails in my inbox and get back to my co-workers about things that I owed them today.

Tomorrow I will get up, make sure my kids are sorted, and go back to work. And so will Marissa Mayer. And so will Sarah Lacy. During tough moments, I might wish I had a team to run my household or a full-time nanny who allows my son to remain at home while I work. It might make me “pathetic,” or it might motivate me to support working women any way I can, and to continue being honest about my experience.

Remembering, eleven years later

2012-09-10T22:05:55-07:00

I repost a variation of this post every year on the anniversary 9/11. This year, it's not just for my girls, but for my sweet little boy, too.

In reposting this, I realized that my girls have never actually read this (or any post on my blog for that matter.) They have also never known a world without the US being in a war. During President Obama's acceptance speech last week, Bunny finally asked what happened on 9/11 and we paused his remarks so I could explain. After our discussion, she was somber. When we resumed watching the speech, she had a different look on her face. A more thoughtful look, like she was weighing what the president was saying a little more carefully. I will show this post to her tomorrow.

For my children in rememberance of Heather Ho.

On September 11, 2001, I was one month away from conceiving you, Bunny. My biggest priority at that time was creating our family because we had tried for almost a year to get pregnant with you. Who knew that during a time of such immense sorrow, when people everywhere retreated to the safe, warm cocoons of their homes, we would create you?

Up until that day, your father and I and everyone else in the world was living in a dream. When I say "dream" I don't mean that everyone's life was full of lollipops and rainbows and that there was no sadness and no one struggled. I say a dream because now, eleven years after that day, the world is a very difference place. I'm sad about this. I might always be, a little bit. It's because I mourn what happened on that day, but I also mourn times past. The world wasn't always like this. Our lives, all of our lives, will never be the same again.

Something very bad happened on that day.

I'm not trying to scare you, my loves. I want you both to know that I will try to shelter and protect you from evil, bad things for as long as I can. But soon you will be big, and you will begin to understand the world around you. (You are already there.) I hope that you will look at it and always see the potential for good. Despite the fact that our world today is different from the time before September 11, 2001, I still believe in possibility. In the inherent goodness of people. In peace. Bunny, Wallie and little Dash, it's up to you and those of your generation to forge ahead and try to mend this shattered world. Or least pick where we left off.

It wasn't wasn't always like this.

There was once a time when I could sit on a plane without furtively scanning the faces of everyone boarding, feeling nothing but shame for doing so.

In fact, there was a time when we never had to take off our shoes to get on a plane and we could take all manner of liquids and gels on board. Also, pilots used to sometimes come out of the cockpits and walk up and down the aisles to stretch their legs. I used to love seeing them, and I especially loved when one of them was a woman.

There was once a time when I would be able to sit in a crowded theater and not think, "Look at all the people in here...together, in one place... What if...?"

There was once a time when I could walk into my favorite restaurant and didn't have to watch the owners regarding me with sadness behind their eyes, wondering if I was one of those people who thought they were bad.

There was a time when I didn't have to be the first person to walk up to the woman wearing a hijab and abaya at Back-to-School night and give her a warm handshake and tickle her baby's toes (something I would have done anyway) to distract her from the rude stares and whispering.

There was a time when I didn't have images of big planes flying into big buildings and people holding hands falling from windows and distraught loved-ones clutching photos and pregnant widows etched into my memory forever. Who could even imagine such horror?

There was a time when I didn't have to think about what the last moments of a talented pastry chef who just moved to New York from San Francisco to work in a restaurant high in the sky must have been like.

There was a time when 2,700+ people from 90 countries were alive and well and their families and friends were whole.

There was time when I didn't worry so much.

That time ended eleven years ago today. That time—no matter how hard times were—was like a beautiful dream to me. And, my loves, I so wish you could have known it.

Ranch Chicken Salad with Fresh Summer Fruits

2012-06-22T16:15:54-07:00

One of my favorite ways to do chicken salad with a "secret" ingredient.

1 cup chopped cooked chicken
1 small apple, cored and chopped
8-10 seedless grapes, halved
1/4 of a sweet onion, minced
palmful of cashews, rough-chopped
palmful of fresh Italian parsley, chopped
2 tbsps of mayo (I like Vegenaise) or Greek yogurt
2 tbsps light Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (the secret—it adds a nice herbal kick!)
fresh ground pepper

Combine all ingredients and mix well. Allow flavors to mingle at least one hour in the fridge. Garnish with fresh summer fruits—I used apricots and raspberries, but peaches or strawberries would also be yummy. You can serve on a bed of baby lettuces if you like. Makes about two cups.

I am compensated for being a member of Hidden Valley Ranch's "Love Your Veggies" Parent Panel. Click "Parent Wisdom" for more tips.

Let's Meal Plan Together! Meal Planning for Week of 6/11

2012-06-11T11:00:07-07:00

I am traveling again this week, headed to the Women and Media Summit at Obama for America HQ (W00T!), so this week is a little nuts, but I actually have the fridge and freezer stocked for just such an occasion.

Monday—Leftover meatballs and tortilla española for dinner plus a kale and avocado salad. Over the weekend, I discovered Earthbound Farms has a new organic baby kales offering. I shouldn't be so excited by a new salad blend but I SO AM! #saladnerd (Also, see the pictures of my amazing baby shower food—with a tapas and pink bubbly theme—on Instagram. I'm CityMama there, too. It was so yummy!)

Tuesday—Spaghetti with butter and cheese, salad. This is one of my kids' favorite "comfort food" meals.

Wednesday—LAST DAY OF SCHOOL, THANK GOD. Not sure what the dinner plans are.

Thursday—Roast chicken, salad

Friday—Movie Night Take Out!

Not sure what I'm doing for the weekend, but I do plan on hitting up my local farmer's market for grass-fed meats. What are you cooking?

Camps that provide lunch FTW!

2012-06-08T11:12:34-07:00

One of the things I look forward to about summer vacation, besides not having to set an alarm clock*, is not having to pack lunches. Except, oh wait, if your kids are in all-day camps, guess what? You still have to pack lunches. ...but not at Camp Galileo!

Camp Galileo partners with Choice Lunch to provide, healthy, yummy, and customizable lunches for all of their campers. Cost is $30 per week, or, another way to put it—not having to think about packing lunches? Priceless.

They even have an app so you can order lunches on the go. My girls (ages 7 and 9) sat down this week to order lunches for their upcoming camp and they chose items like:

Soft Tacos
Spaghetti and Meatballs
California Roll Sushi
Chicken Caesar Salads
Annie's Mac and Cheese
Cheeseburgers with Roasted Potatoes

These are familiar hot lunch favorites with a new twist—more veggies and fruit (on the side), boosted nutrition, no chocolate milk—and they are sustaining enough to get them through a long day of activities. Like most kids, my girls tend to get hungry in the late afternoon and I want them to make sure they don't run out of steam before Camp Galileo is over.

The lunch option is just one of the reasons why we love Camp Galileo and we're delighted to be invited back this summer.

Disclosure: Camp Galileo offered my girls free camp attendance in exchange for my thoughts about their camp experience. Camp is a personal experience—all opinions expressed here are my own.

*I have a 16-month-old alarm clock.

Let's Meal Plan Together! Meal Planning for Week of 6/4

2012-06-04T11:57:19-07:00

Aaaaaaaaand we're back!

After a long break, I am back to thinking about what I'm going to cook for the week, especially as we head into summer. I'm hoping that I can begin to rebuild this community of meal plan sharers so that we can all help each other with ideas of what to cook. I have always loved it when you shared your meal plans or favorite recipes with me because it inspires me so much in my own cooking.

As I used to do in the past, I will share my meal plans for the week each Monday and then please feel free to share yours below. (Especially if it's a WW-friendly meal.) One thing to know about my meals is that I eat lots of salads and I love veggies, so my meals tend towards being almost vegetarian, especially in the summertime when produce is so abundant and amazing.

Also, I am a very busy working mom of three, but I always make time in my day for cooking. It's my meditation, my yoga, my creative outlet. Because I'm busy (like you!) I try to keep my meals simple, seasonal, organic (very important to me as far as feeding my kids is concerned), and fresh. Nothing I make during the week takes more than 20 minutes to prepare unless it's a set-it/forget-it situation like using the Crock-Pot or roasting a chicken. Let's use this outlet to get through the summer together, shall we?

Here's what I have on deck for the week!

Monday: Grilled chicken, pasta with homemade parsley pesto and green beans, salad

Tuesday: (Traveling this day so take-out)

Wednesday: Vegetarian multi-bean chili, rice, corn

Sistah Thursday: My sis comes over for dinner every Thursday and we usually cook together. We've been doing meal salads and so far have done Taco Salad, 7-Layer Salad, Thai Beef Salad. Would love suggestions with more meal salads!

Friday: Dinner Out

Sunday I am co-hosting a Tapas-themed baby shower. Thinking spicy meatballs, tortilla española, jamon serrano, manchego, olives and cava!

You can always follow my culinary adventures on Instagram! Follow me (CityMama) to see photos of what I'm cooking every day!

Chicken and Dumplings Recipe from a Real Southerner

2012-05-21T11:45:41-07:00

What do you do when you have a fresh batch of chicken stock, some leftover chicken, and three hungry kids? Make chicken and dumplings!

Now, despite my abiding love for it, chicken and dumplings is not a part of my culinary tradition. As with other Southern dishes like shrimp and grits, Brunswick stew, and pulled pork, it's a dish I've made with varying degrees of success over the years. This year, though, I finally decided to just get it right once and for all.

This a tried and true recipe from my friend Lisa Frame who lives in the South. I'm passing it along with her permission so that you, too, can achieve chicken and dumplings success!

She starts the recipe assuming you've already cooked your chicken in water or broth. (I just put a whole cut-up chicken into a pot with enough colder water to cover by an inch or two. I add in some peppercorns, onion, garlic, and a couple bay leaves that I tie-up into a cheese cloth and huck into the pot. Bring to a boil and then reduce to a bare simmer, skimming any foam or impurities as needed. Chicken will be cooked through/falling off the bone in about an hour.)

Note: As a short cut I use a chicken carcass from a roast chicken and make the soup/broth ahead of time (I always have a batch in my freezer) and then buy a rotisserie chicken to shred into my chicken and dumplings.

Make your dumplings. These are light and fluffy—sort of a cross between a gnocchi and a noodle.

Dumplings:

2c. all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3 TB shortening (I use Earth Balance sticks)
3/4 buttermilk (a MUST)

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt. Cut in the shortening. Add the buttermilk, stirring with fork until moistened. Knead the dough 4 to 5 times, and pat to 1/2-inch pieces and drop into boiling broth (I don't pat out, just pinch off pieces -- do same thing with biscuits most of the time). Reduce heat to medium-low, and cook for about 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Take chicken out of broth and bring broth to a boil. Add pepper. Add thyme—I use about 1 tbsp fresh or 1/2 tbsp dried. (Lisa says thyme is a must.) I also add carrots and celery and sometimes peas, but Lisa says southerners don't add veggies. Stir in chicken (I take off bone and leave in big chunks), heat through, and serve.

If you want to thicken more, use a little bit of flour that you've stirred in milk.(I find that the dumplings thicken enough.)

Enjoy!

Image credit.

2012-05-04T11:18:57-07:00

Peace be with you, MCA. I feel like a part of me has died, too.