Actual Kitchen Nightmares intro graphic for Cafe Hon

So here we are folks, less than a few hours away here’s the eagerly anticipated episode of Kitchen Nightmares in which we see the usual histrionics, meltdowns, cursing, et cetera – right here in Baltimore! The Cafe Hon saga, roughly 2.5 years in the making (see below), essentially came to a close this past November when owner Denise Whiting relinquished the HON trademark.

To be honest, I had this whole post ready to go about a drinking game associated with the episode, a bunch of paragraphs about the history of the saga, on and on and on but then I was shown that the video is already available on Youtube so screw it, this post is about watching the video and nothing else for now, because I haven’t even seen it! Maybe I’ll throw in some post-analysis afterward.

SORRY GANG FOX PULLED IT, FEEL FREE TO TALK ABOUT IT IF YOU SAW IT –
CHECK IT OUT ON HULU INSTEAD

HISTORY LESSONS:
10/2009
02/2011
06/2011
10/2011

STUFF FROM THE VID:

• “Hampden is just north of Baltimore” – nice work guys!
• “There’s one way to do it here – my way.” ~Denise Whiting
• “Hon was a part of our vocabulary long before it was part of a restaurant.” ~Reagan, MIX106.5
• (Gordon Ramsey doesn’t know anything about the significance of pink flamingos in Baltimore)
• 07:40 Manager notes that DW will more than likely pretend to be perfect and not “be herself,” ouch
• 08:00 On cue, DW assumes the role of Pariah
• “I was afraid for my life!” ~DW
• “Denise thinks that she’s a rock star”
• Zeke’s Coffee in the background!
• Ramsey loves the crab (that’s good), hates the shrimp (that’s bad)
• “A lot of the menu items are — crap.” ~Greg, head chef
• “It’s like a flamingo turd just landed on my plate” ~Ramsey as a reaction to “Better than Mom’s meatloaf”
• “I’m not going to let anyone in my way, including Chef Ramsey.” ~DW (Jesus, did they pay her to say this stuff?)
• 10 minutes of pure stress watching DW in the kitchen – 86 THE STEAK / TURKEY / FRENCH FRIES / SWEET FRIES / POT PIES!!

… good god there’s just too much.

Related posts:

1. Watch Citizen Schaefer, it’s good

Aw, who am I kidding? I wanted to write something and didn’t have a decent question in the queue. So, I decided I would take questions at random from whomever wanted questions answered.

Here goes nothing:

From @CharmCityGavin: Any Question? Did that count?

Yes and yes.

From @Beank323: How the hell do I get this report to run for 2 days instead of just one?

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

From @BigPhilMD: Dear Andy, I have read a number of Facebook statuses and Tweets saying that people don’t understand Pinterest. Are they dumb?

Yes. Not understanding pinterest makes you dumb because it is stupidly simple. Not understanding why you would use pinterest makes more sense. You should tell your friends to be clearer. It’s like when people say they don’t believe in something when they mean they don’t support it. “I don’t believe in tattoos.” “Really? Cause I have a few I could show you. Just hold this laptop while I undo my belt.”

From @Pangwin: How do gay people decidfe who’s the top and who’s the bottom when they first hook up? also I still think I am drunk

First off, I think you’re making the assumption that we just do one or the other. That’s not always true. As for how we figure out who is doing what, it’s pretty much the same as when you want a girl to go down on you. You gently guide your partner in the position you want them in. If they give resistance, it’s your cue to stop. No means no.

From @Johnmknight: How old were you when you first went stargazing?

I’ve been looking at the stars since I could look up. But if you’re asking when I first went out with a telescope for the purposes of looking up through said telescope? 6th grade on an overnight field trip.

From @Poofie: Write about how they totally put crack in the chef style wings at ibar; because they do, or they must. because why else do i want them always?

My standard test for whether or not a restaurant uses crack in their food used to be just looking around to see if Whitney Houston was a customer (too soon?). Now, that doesn’t really work anymore, but business owners love to post pictures of themselves with celebrities, so on their walls.

From @Shortwave: How do you keep your hair so full of bounce and shine?

Why thank you for noticing! I use TRESemmé shampoo and conditioner. Conditioner every day, shampoo when your hair gets greasy. This will vary from person to person. Some people might have to do it every day.

From @DickProblems: How do you get your roommate to realize she is addicted to Skyrim?

LIZ! Stop playing skyrim and take a shower! And, Brian, if you want to talk about your twitter handle, feel free to send an email to advice@citythatbreeds.com and I can work on that separately.

From @CharmCityGavin: Wait! Is it too late to ask a real question now?

Yes.

Well, wasn’t that fun. Let me know if you guys would be interested in doing something like this again.

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Man, South Baltimore is on a roll these days with the closings and the reopenings and the rollovers and the what not – The Reserve (1542 Light St, Riverside) is now “closed” … for a week.

Here’s a bizarrely worded update per their Facebook page:

After 2 1/2 Wonderful years*, The Reserve is officially closing its doors today. Thank you all for your continued support! However, we have a special surprise in store for you all…so stay tuned. The doors will be closed from 2/20-2/27 for construction. Enjoy this weather & have a wonderful week!

So “The Reserve” is out, a week of construction is in and no new owners to speak of via the liquor board. So Hooray for Rebranding!

I suppose this is a good thing, The Reserve has had its share of bizarre feedback, owners getting arrested for possession and/or bowing out of the biz, really a myriad of issues ranging from identity problems (are you upscale casual or a broseph hangout, the old people eating their dinner quietly would want to know that ahead of time) to reportedly disastrous service issues to lawsuits by managers against other restaurant owners less than a block away. Yeah, it’s probably time to retool things a bit. I’ll refrain from going on and on about this place, but oh the stories some of my associates could tell.

Best of luck with the reboot gang, looking forward to seeing what you can do.

UPDATE: Hyper-local newcomer blog southbmore.com has a nice wrapup of some history on the 1542 Light St space as well as some additional info on Reserve owned Taco Spot and its closure/expansion/new liquor license – there seems to be a lot of liquor license jujitsu going on with these guys so it’ll be interesting to see what happens.

*is it just me or is 2 1/2 years the new “I give it a year”

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Nestled on the very, very northeastern edge of Canton (Realtors breath a sigh of relief) Annabel Lee Tavern (601 S Clinton St.) has always been a pretty good and vibrant place to hang out, one of those good old fashioned bar restaurants that isn’t trying to be “upscale casual” or “your source for craft beer” or “any of that crap,” and since the inception of Nachoquest folks have been laying it on pretty thick that I should check out Annabel Lee’s barbeque chicken (and applewood smoked bacon) nachos ($12.95).

The picture pretty much says it all. Cheddar, chips, a mountain of BBQ chicken and some bacon mixed all up in there, I think I saw tiny bits of some kind of vegetable matter but my mouth didn’t really recognize the presence of anything “vegetable” on this plate. It wouldn’t be prudent to talk about these nachos without a comparison to Harborque’s Carolina Pulled Pork Nachos, so here’s a paragraph about that:

As opposed to Harborque’s, the nachos are thoroughly baked and the cheese is melted like a boss. No naked chips, a despite the fact that BBQ pulled pork is naturally superior (evolution, duh) to BBQ chicken, the addition of bacon to the mix really adds that smokey awesomeness that can only be achieved by nature’s perfect food (bacon). Harborque ups the ante by adding jalapenos, which really would have made this pile of nachos really amazing, but there was a definite lack of spice with the chicken nachos – especially considering their regular nachos ($7.95) do feature jalapenos, it would have been nice as an option. I guess I’ll have to try out their regular nachos at some point as well, coz the oven baked goodness and slightly-burnt crispiness of the actual chips was pretty great and would love to try them in a more traditional nacho sense.

But the bottom line is this: one person cannot finish these nachos alone, and in fact there were two of us when we tried these and we couldn’t finish them between the two of us. We were again thrown into a meat-induced spirit quest as with Harborque, waking in the gutter a few blocks away in Highlandtown the next morning with our pants around our ankles and socks inexplicably missing, drooling softly into the trash soaked pavement.

So while they’re not traditional, they’re worth eating:
One Golden Donkey (just like Harborque) out of five golden chips

Related posts:

1. Nachoquest: El Salto
2. Nachoquest: Phoenix Emporium
3. Finnegan’s Wake / Dark Horse Tavern: First Impressions
4. Fuzzy Hearts to a Baltimore Food Examiner
5. Nacho Quest – The Nacho Manifesto

Baltimore – A political spokesperson has noted that Carl Stokes, long time political veteran who briefly ran for Mayorship of Baltimore, is considering a run for Mayor of McDonaldland instead. If he mounted a run against the incumbent, Mayor McCheese, it could constitute the largest political challenge faced by the incumbent in McDonaldland history.

“It is simple math, really,” said the spokesperson, “For too long, McCheese has seen McDonaldland as a footstool to all the delicious hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and big macs he could eat. In his mind, being Mayor is nothing more than something to satisfy his ambition for food! McDonaldland needs a leader who has taken a stand against the bun lobby, and can bring together the Grimaces and Happy Meal Gang!”

When asked about whether or not Stokes’ residency would be an issue, the spokesperson soundly rejected the question, saying, “Residency questions have never been an issue for Baltimore’s politicians. Ever. The same applies to McDonaldland.”

Stokes’ recent actions in the Baltimore City Council – where he represents the 12th district – seemed to indicate he is preparing a run for higher office. Recent legislation he has proposed includes a resolution calling for tougher penalties for Hamburglars, a moratorium against TIFFs (Tax Incremented Filet-O-Fish), and Q-PILOTs (Quarter-Pounders in Lieu of Taxes). When discussing the budget, Stokes called for cuts in the public safety budget in order to provide food for the Fry Kids. Furthermore, In what many analysts are considering a bold move, Stokes has also called for the return of the Griddler and reinstating Officer Big Mac as Police Commissioner, who recently fell from grace after a domestic abuse scandal.

In addition, Stokes’ recent public dialogue appears to be appealing to the McNugget Buddies, which have long been considered his political base. In an interview with WYPR, Stokes said, “Its obvious that the African American Councilmembers care about the matters serving our important Chicken Nuggets, whereas the other caucasian Councilmembers largely don’t. Whether you are white meat or dark meat, in my book, all nuggets are breaded, fried and delicious.”

These remarks were soundly rejected by other members of the council. Bill Cole, who represents the 11th district, said, “Councilman Stokes’ statements against the council are completely false. If he spent more time watching what he said and paying attention, he’d know better. After all, has he seen (3rd District Councilman) Bobby Curran tear through an Extra Value Meal like I have? I doubt it.”

Although time will tell what the election will bring, we are certain that Stokes’ participation in the race will supersize public interest and help give much needed direction to the tasty but troubled town.

Update – The political spokesperson for Councilman Stokes has announced that he will not run for Mayor of McDonaldland, stating “Although McDonaldland has hit darker days under McCheese, it is clear that there is still much to be done in the 12th district. Councilman Stokes is proud to serve his constituents and that despite the struggles, he’s lovin’ it.” The spokesperson had no comment regarding a recent McZogby poll which placed Stokes in sixth place behind Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, Birdie the Early Bird, Frank Conaway, and a plank with a smiley face drawn on it.

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1) The Newt Gingrich
aka: A shot of whiskey, with a tequila chaser, with a rum chaser chaser

Here’s the tricky part about the Newt, you have to begin each shot before the last one is finished. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Bonus points for telling other bar patrons what they can and cannot drink. Imbibing alcohol is sacred, after all.

2) The Rick Santorumy
aka: The Antidote

I’m going to skip the obvious joke here and try to be a little original. The Santorum is the antidote. YOU’VE BEEN POISONED! OH NOES! But not to worry. Good old Rick has informed you that there is an antidote for just $900! What? You don’t have $900? But iPads are $900… Well, I guess because luxury items exist, you’re expected to come up with the money for a life-saving treatment yourself. After all, it’s not Rick’s job to save your life. Oh well.

3) The Mitt Romney
aka: Every drink in the bar (though he’ll just have cranberry juice, cause, you know, Mormon)

Romney’s drink is every drink in the bar, because he owns the bar. He actually owns the chain of bars, along with the chain of hotels that house the bars and the mega corporation (which is a person) that owns the hotels. But don’t worry. He still understands the plight of the average man. That’s why drinks are only $570 or 13.9% of your AGI (whichever is lower). That’s what drinks cost, right? AND at his bars, you don’t have to worry about getting too drunk to drive home, because on some major holidays in some major cities there are a limited number of free tipsy taxis. So, no one has to worry. Now THAT’S a safety net!

4) The Ron Paul
aka: Prune Juice

Because he is just so fucking old! Also, he wants to flush out our system. Yeah, I’m ending on a poop joke.

Spaceman, OUT!

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When it was remodeled from the previously existing Light Street Station, Rowhouse Grille (1400 South Light St, Federal Hill) opened in 2009 and was seen by some as a welcome addition to the Federal Hill neighborhood, while others gave it the now typical “I give it a year at most” divination.

Welp, 2.5 years later, Rowhouse Grille is still open and it seems as though owner Pat Dahlgren – the same guy who’s now manning the new hot ticket Heavy Seas Ale House and can’t seem to get enough press lately – is revamping Rowhouse Grille’s restaurant end of things and has acquired the liquor license from nearby-and-recently-shuttered open 7-days-a-week Corks, and mounting a switcheroo with Rowhouse’s 6 day license in an effort (presumably) to get into the brunch / Sunday Football scene.

The only problem is that as an owner, Dahlgren can’t hold two liquor licenses at once, and needs a buyer for the other one. Anyone wanna buy a liquor license?

Barring that non-issue, it’s probably a very good thing that Rowhouse secures itself a license that allows Sunday brunch service – their food seems to get some good press and expanding that into a Sunday brunch can only help them even more, not to mention the added bonus of being open for Gameday come next football season.

Kudos to you, Rowhouse Grille!

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New kids in town Drink Baltimore* have decided to cash in on their original Drink Philly success and launch a “Best Of” contest here in Charm City, and since we don’t have any such contests of our own here at CTB (YET), you should nominate your favorites! Here’s the Press Release:

Drink Baltimore Announces 2012 Drinker’s Choice Awards

Best in Baltimore Contest Begins February 8 with Open Nomination Round

Starting February 8, beer, booze and bar aficionados in Baltimore will be able to vote for their favorites in the Baltimore Drinker’s Choice Awards, organized by Drink Baltimore. A week-long first round (February 8–15) will solicit nominations in 12 different categories, including Best Happy Hour, Best Wine Bar, Best Wine Bar and more. The top 10 nominees in each division will move on to the final round, which will be decided by popular vote over a two-week period (February 21–March 6).

The winner in each category will receive a custom-engraved trophy and recognition on DrinkBaltimore.com. Over 4,000 interested drinkers placed votes during the 2011 Drinker’s Choice Awards, held in Philadelphia, and a greater number are expected to participate this year.

All nominee submissions and voting for finalists will take place online at DrinkBaltimore.com/vote. Drinkers can also place votes via their mobile phones. Bars and other establishments can go to DrinkBaltimore.com/drinkerschoice to download a printable flyer that will solicit nominations. Each of the 10 finalists will also receive a set of free postcards to give out to promote their organization in the contest.

2012 Drinker’s Choice Awards Categories:

• Best Happy Hour
• Best Beer Bar
• Best Sports Bar
• Best Wine Bar
• Best Cocktail Bar
• Best Wings
• Best Bar-Hopping Neighborhood

Hop to it!

*minor disclosure: EvanTheMayor has written a few articles/things for Drink Baltimore and will continue to do so in the future, deal with it

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Per their Facebook page, the newly minted Heavy Seas Ale House (1300 Bank St., Fells Point) will be opening today at 5pm for what could only be described as an incredibly soft opening. I won’t be able to check out the Hugh Sisson / Pat Dalghren powerplay, but if you do let us know how it was/is – yay beer!

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