The Never-Ending Moveable Banquet

Some Very Insightful Feedback

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 19 May 2013 16:04:00 +0000

I wanted to share with all of you some feedback I received from a fellow writer, Kabbalist, and reader of my work. This is about my novella, Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, in particular.

It has been difficult for me to receive reviews of my work, as mostly my readers have this desire to keep my books "secret" for some otherworldly reasons of their own. People want to keep my books as "their secret treasures" and I understand and appreciate that, on the other hand, it's not good for my sales! :-D Nevertheless, I encourage people to feel whatever way they want, about my work. But I am grateful to receive some extremely insightful feedback from this particular person and I hope that his insight to my novella, being the perspective of a reader, will prepare all of you and anyone for the contents of my short novel, readying your minds and hearts for what to expect from my writing. Thank you, Zohar Raphael!

Enjoy the read!

"I'm going to have to stick to The Washroom, otherwise I could easily end up with the skeleton of a screenplay by the end of the week.

I began reading yesterday afternoon. I took in the first few chapters, and nodded off for the obligatory Shabbat nap :-). When I returned home from synagogue later in the evening, I got into bed, hunkered down with my dogs, and read by yellowed lamplight long into the night, letting myself take the time to drink in the atmosphere and feeling.

Let me start by wondering how it is that no one has really picked up on the notion of The Washroom as the literary heart? I could just tell. You set up the drama exquisitely, "filling her senses with the eternal...almost poison..." That was the point when I began feeling the anticipation of revelation. But my "here we go" moment came when it was clear you were going to let us be alone with Lucy, and began describing the washroom itself.

Up to that point, you had painted the scenes concisely, generating a sense of place and mood with a subtle ease, leaving behind any need for overburdening detail. You gave just enough for me to see it, and let my mind conjure up the fine details. To me, stylistically, this is the overarching strength of the work. It reminded me of J.D. Salinger describing the Waldorf Astoria, the atmosphere of Holden's train ride, the concocting of a pitcher of Tom Collins in Raise High The Roofbeam...

But the washroom...I could tell you wanted to make sure we were realIy going to be in there, as if we should be able to find our way around because things were about to get very intense very quickly. I knew you weren't going to let Lucy leave the room without showing me the nexus of this story. You fashioned the atmosphere, maintaining the richer detail of the description of the layering elements of Lucy's rising chaos: the broken glass, her hair, the tears, the music, the makeup...while applying your delicate, concise descriptive subtlety to her memories, which I felt you presented with a tranquility that could have been mistakenly seen as an escape when, in fact, that seemingly pleasant glance over her shoulder to the past only seemed to fuel the confusion, the heartache. If that duality of feeling was your object, you nailed it. I envisioned her feeling trapped between all the possible pasts, and an as yet unreckoned present. If a reader sees Lucy in this state, and doesn't wish they could bring her some comfort, even for a moment, they might just be a zombie.

I cannot emphasize enough how your conservation of detail is allowing me to feel like a participant, a collaborator...your prose and my mind's eye. It feels a lot like making music. The space between the notes, the unspoken, the unsaid...I felt as if you left enough space for me to enter with my own brushes, so I could complete the feeling, the timbre of a scene with my own personal touches. I love when a writer lets me do that.

I could see it, feel it...the chiaroscuro of the pub and village; the creaking of the worn but polished chairs; the provocation of body heat, smoke, wine, and background conversation. You let me decide that the mossy bank's surface was warm from the noonday sun, the pressure of their toes revealing the lingering cool of the previous night beneath.

The image of Pierre-August's shirt on top of Lucy's camisole...for me it worked akin to Andrew Wyeth's oft employed portrait style that I like to refer to as "psychic anthropomorphizing", where the subjects are portrayed by their ubiquitous but uninhabited belongings: a favorite coat hung on a wooden peg...an empty pair of weather worn boots. I believe I was able to experience a heightened atmosphere of the mingling sensual innocence in my mind that way than had you taken the time to describe the removing of clothing.

I painted in the sensation of the swirled subtle rush of the water that Pierre-August must have felt on his stomach as he drew Lucy close. You let me imagine the nervous electricity of the anticipation, desire, and knowing between them in that lingering moment.

You wrote of the warmth of his lips on her fingers, but allowed me to imagine what must have been his intoxication from her closeness, mingling with the taste of the cool moist sensation of her fingers, and the perchance trickle of lingering drops of water passing from her skin, over his lips and onto his tongue; the sublimity he would have felt had he then drawn her in closer, perhaps pressing his lips into the palm of her hand as he felt the totality of her body against his...the kind of moment that forever lingers in the pantheon of memory of anyone who has been fortunate enough to have had such an experience. And all the while you deftly cast these pieces of memory across the narrative. If you turned this into a screen play, I feel like I could direct it with my eyes closed. Absolutely tremendous.

It has been a very long time since I've felt anything like this from a work of literature. I'm not so interested in reading fiction if the author is going to leave nothing to the reader's imagination, if they spoon feed the reader so they can focus on snappy dialogue, or action. I suppose a lot people go for that. It prevents them from having to think, or even feel. They can just escape, let it wash over them like a Saturday matinée. Reading this has been a truly intimate experience, and at this writing, I have yet to even reach the end. I've been trying to tend to my garden, though the sun is cold here today.

And now I am wishing there was a way for you wire into my brain to experience my impressions in the moment, rather than this somewhat degraded electronic echo."

If you would like to submit feedback about any of my books, please do so here. Better yet, write a review on Amazon, B&N, Goodreads, or wherever you feel like leaving a review! I would really appreciate it! xx

NYC

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Fri, 03 May 2013 03:02:00 +0000

NYC

I had a dream

Of walking the streets of NYC

Like many times before

I’ve dreamt this

Same dream

But it’s a different NYC

It is my own.

The streets

Are fragments of

My memories

My hopes

And dreams

The streets are a puzzle-map

Of people I once knew

And know

Will know one day

Fruit stands

Attended to

By familiar faces

Road signs

I’ve seen before

Hotel rooms

I dream of

The dragging feeling

Of memories left in

Cigarette pans

That feeling of

Not having enough

Walking through the streets

Of NYC

With an empty wallet

And a man

I only half-know

From long ago

Was I always destined

To be a little destitute?

A little not-enough

A little forgotten

A little needy

If there’s a God up there

He’s certainly

Forgotten me a little

Or halfway

Maybe He’s just

Lost interest

In a thing like me

Wild Wild Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Wed, 01 May 2013 17:17:00 +0000

Wild Wild Eyes

I remember you

Because of your

Wild wild eyes

They never left me,

I think.

I think they

Never left me

Not in the light of day

Nor in the darkness of night

That wild wild gaze of yours

Those wild wild eyes of yours

Always watching over me

I remember you

All The Crazy Pieces

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 03:20:00 +0000

All The Crazy Pieces

I want to fall into you

Roll into you

Bury my face into you

Along with all of myself

That is lost

That is forgotten

That is hidden

That is found

Even all of the crazy pieces

I want to bury

My face into you

And let all the crazy pieces of me

Find their place

In this sky

That I’ve painted

Onto the top of my heart

Because you’re real

And you make me feel real too

You make me believe that

I can be

Put back together again

In a way only you know how to

In Your Palm

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 09:02:00 +0000

In Your Palm

If you knew all the thoughts

That go through my mind when

The presence of you fills

The middle of my chest

Like a tight and warm and aching

Clenching

How my feelings dance from

The place of being afraid

To the place of

Laughter

And trust

Then I am taken to

An overwhelming longing

A poison that

Flows deeply through my veins

A longing

For you and nobody else

But you

If you only knew what it feels like

And if you could see me every moment

Scared but brave

Serene but

Overcome with passion

You would find me to be a most

Wild thing

Difficult to grasp

And yet

I fit most perfectly in the palm of your hand

Rabbits In The Moonlight

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 13:13:00 +0000

In a day and age wherein "the way of privilege" is being taught left and right (it's quite the trend nowadays); allow me to go against the mainstream flow by saying that the human race sees itself as far too privileged than it really is. And the result is a downfall.

People are always taught that "everything happens for a reason," and that is true in the superior context of "identifying design under chaos;" but that superior context is a state that hardly anybody exists in, anyway! It is far too superior in it's nature! So what I'm talking about is the everyday "quote" you will see floating around that will tell you that all you must do is sit prettily because everything that is happening in your life is designed for your benefit, giving you the picture in your mind that from the cradle to the grave you are set in perfect favor. This is a beautiful way to think, yes, but I am here to tell you that if you were to realize very early on that there is destiny and there are chances in life and there is such a thing as being at the right place at the right time, then you would develop a sense of zeal to fulfill that which is your own! The truth is that, it is far too often that your fate will get entangled somewhere and you will be held back from fulfilling your destiny, because you are spending your time "trusting the universe" instead of being wise and keen! The Bible itself says "Be wise as serpents, harmless as doves." But think about the first part, first! How wise and keen is a serpent, pray tell? Pretty wise and keen, if you ask me!

You have this complacent attitude that you "want the best" and therefore the best will happen to you; without realizing that "the best" could be going the other direction! And why wouldn't you realize that? It seems perfectly logical that you would realize that, given the laws of nature (I don't care to explain these laws, just look at the everyday, ordinary laws of nature that surround us, which dictate that you can be going in one direction and something else could be going in the totally opposite direction); let me tell you why! You wouldn't realize that because from childhood you have been brainwashed into believing that there is a sugar-coater somewhere, who is going to "sugar coat" your circumstances and make those circumstances turn out to be purposeful in the end! The truth is, you should be walking around living your life with your eyes wide open, ready to jump on a chance when it shows itself to you! Chances are like rabbits in the moonlight! You have to jump on them the moment they jump into the moon's beams, before they hop off again into the night! But why don't you do that? Why don't you treat chances like that? You don't because you believe that you are in your circumstances and situations because you are supposed to be there and because you should stand there while the best will be placed on your plate for you! And that is the trend of teaching going on right now. Again, I am here to say, that if you wake up from this dream and see that nature of how things work, for what they are and for how they work; you will be able to identify the truth that some things can be stollen from you, some things can be hidden from you, some things are just far away from you (so you have to go get them), and sometimes what's your's ends up with somebody else because they are manipulative, conniving bitches! And that is the power of the evil eye, for you!

While it is true that there is design under chaos; it is also true that complacency and the feeling of entitlement are the easiest "anesthesias" to apply to mankind! It's easy to apply because the needle used to inject it, is actually something that people like! This needle gives people the feeling that there is no need to regret anything, there is no need to be keen about anything, because they are just that entitled! Who wouldn't want to be poked with a needle like that? But the truth is, you should regret certain things! You should feel remorse about certain things! And there are things that just shouldn't have happened! You've got to give more credit to darkness, darkness does have the power to adversely change things in one's life! And sometimes, it is the light that succumbs to the darkness, if you are simply going to let it happen, it will in fact happen!

The state of complacency and entitlement knocks a person out, drowns a person, and destiny goes by and onto the next fellow who actually has perception! At the end of the day, yes, there is a design budding forth from the chaos! But the question is... who's design is it? Will you be the one in the design? Or will you be the one left in somebody else's chaos?

Think about it. It is not as beautiful as they tell you it is. You have to make it beautiful!

My Eyes

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:01:00 +0000

Another piece you can expect to find in my next book of poetry. I just wrote this one a few minutes ago...

My Eyes

I have a very remarkable relationship

With myself

I want to call it strange

But that would just sound too odd

You see

I keep on forgetting myself

And keep on colliding into all these

Other things like

My own fears and expectations

I’m always left breathless

My heart never stops pounding

Everything is always new!

My own serenity and castles

I’m always left in a tangible Olympian

Existence of peace

A peace that dilates my soul!

When my soul dilates

My heart starts pounding

Again

I never remember myself for too long

Until I run into myself

Again

Or until someone comes along

And reminds me

And wouldn’t it be wonderful if

A person like that could

Stay forever

Then I would never forget myself

Seeing my soul’s reflection

In his eyes every day

Would remind me to stop

Flying in the winds!

But can I even help myself

If I am blown about in the winds?

For I know not if I have any attributes

Of flesh and blood

Of earth and clay

I think that

I eat off the wind

My heart beats to the drums of fire

My skin swims to the rhythm of water

My eyes are made of mercury

Seraphim

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:25:00 +0000

The following is something I wrote last year, which I will be incorporating into my next book of poetry:

Seraphim

Maybe I just need to accept my fate

There are only a very few like us

Perchance we will never find

One another

Perhaps I will never find

My other half

The other half of my soul

The other being just like me

I know he is there

He comes to me in my dreams at night

And teaches me many things

He shows me my lives of old

And guides me through the

Coming sorrows of my future

He is there

Yes he is

But I cannot touch him

Save for in my dreams

I cannot hold him

Save for my spiritual journeys

I am so tired

Of the wait

I am worn and bruised

I am ruined and broken

Must I wait still

What if it is only a dream

And he will never come to me?

If he is there

How could he stay afar for so long?

Have mercy on me, Almighty Providence

Take me under your wing Divine Intervention

Have mercy on Your wandering one

I have wandered too long

And I am pained too much

Let not my enemies scoff at me

Let not my enemies triumph over me

May he walk out from my dreams

And into this realm

May he step out of my memories

And stand in front of my eyes

For I am weary and vexed

Are there no others like me out there?

Is there only one of us left?

If there are more, and if you hear me

Come to me now

Save me, deliver me

Take me into you, as your own

The Gifts of Darkness

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 10:25:00 +0000

“I don't understand why people care so much about showing that they are good; because I am rather comfortable with having badness, quite okay with being inexplicable. They tire themselves so. The light is beautiful; but light can't hide treasures like the darkness can.”

~ C. JoyBell C.

The above words are something I wrote last year, and today, I would like to further discuss it. What exactly, are treasures from the dark side? Well, it can be a great number of things; like finding inner strength within yourself beyond your imagination upon falling into the darkest hours of your life! That's the easiest thing that comes to mind. Another thing would be to grow leaps and bounds as a person upon embracing the reality that not all things are peachy and meaningful. It feels good to believe that all things are peachy and meaningful, and in a way, they truly are! For example, all the mistakes, errors, losses, and wrong roads taken, in one's life, could very well be the reason why you have found the most beautiful person in your life! Or perhaps not a "reason" but more like the avenues by which you are made to look into the direction of that person, in the first place. And I am not even talking about glorifying hardships, here! I've also said in the past, that if you set hardships on a throne in your life, and believe that it will be the source and wellspring of all good things, then it's repeatedly going to happen to you, just because it is the thing you have glorified and see as a wellspring! So this is not at all about glorifying hardships. In fact, it is quite the opposite!

More specifically why I am making this post today, is to say, that sometimes we show people just how bitter their circumstances are, not to destroy them or to make them feel unaccepted, but rather to show them exactly how big the wound is! How deep the gash is! It is a different kind of a gift! And I think that it is a gift from darkness. Yes, it is wonderful to comfort, be kind, to say that everything is going to be okay and to tell someone that there is a rainbow after the rain, that there is hope at the end of the rainbow, that there is always a silver lining! That is one kind of a gift. But the other kind is to say to the person "Look! Look at your wound! It is deep, it is large, it is festering, it is infected, and it's not going to get any better, until you see that! Until you realize that! So that he can bind it up, he can medicate himself, he can remove the infection and watch the wound heal! Because large wounds aren't cured by band-aides. Gashes in the flesh aren't cured by saying that everything is tinted in a rose-colored hue. The only way a person can be treated of an infection, is if he first knows that it's there, sees it for what it really is! And this is the braver gift to give, really! It is the gift of a brave love! Because with this kind of gift, you are not making yourself look any good! You are not making yourself look kind and wonderful and sweet and caring! It is the gift that doesn't make the giver look good. It is a selfless gift, intended only for the benefit of the receiver. Of course it would be wonderful if the receiver recognizes this and acknowledges this, but the giver always knowingly runs the risk of that not happening. But what does happen, more likely, is a true healing, a true freedom, in the end!

They say that the worst disease on the planet is leprosy. What is leprosy? And why do people's body parts begin to decay and simply fall off of the rest of the body? Leprosy is in fact, simply the loss of the sense of pain! When a person is unable to feel pain, he won't be able to know what's going on with his body parts, hence, he won't be able to react accordingly, and in the end, the disease of leprosy eats the person alive, decays the person's flesh while he is still breathing, and why? All because he ceased to feel pain! All because he was numbed by a disease that took away his ability to look into the direction of something that hurt on his body and to see it there! Because just as detrimental as not being able to see any good in things; is not being able to see any bad in things! Some people like to see only the best in others; I like to see only the truth in others.

Sometimes, you have to make people feel what they need to feel, not allowing them to sugar-coat their mistakes and their bruises. You can't let them get leprosy. I'm bad with the purpose of producing that which is selfless and good! I'm like Catwoman.

Swan

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 11:18:00 +0000

Today I have been reflecting on the nature of the swan, and on the beauty of that nature. The swan takes up a big part of my own symbolism as incorporated into my "The Three Flights" emblem which can be seen as the trademark profile photo at my writer page, and also on the cover of my book, The Suns Snow And The Sands Move. While I will save the explanation and definition of the emblem itself for a later date, I just want to talk about the swan, for now.

Why contemplate on the nature of the swan? Why be mesmerized by its beauty? There is something exceedingly true and genuine about this beautiful creation of God! Without making a motion, without making a noise, the swan can glide serenely and gracefully over the surface of the water and cause all heads to turn! Without calling for attention, all attention is given to it. Without causing a commotion, people will rise and walk or even run to watch it glide by– and the swan doesn't even notice! In fact, the beautiful creature will be so engrossed in the way of the movements of the water and of its own body, that it seems untouchable and in its own realm of beauty, altogether!

I have never forgotten a single swan that I have ever seen glide by, in front of me! Even a mere glimpse is enough to retain it's image in my memory. Without calling for it, without manipulations and deceit, the swan manages to embed itself in my memory and take up a very special place in my heart, just because I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of it! There is absolutely no struggle to be unforgotten!

The swan as my personal emblem, represents everything that I believe I stand for when it comes to true beauty and true grace. Now if only I can find those that share in my nature; for I have long since been surrounded by too many ducks.

(Photo via Pinterest)

Until it rains again!

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 07:32:00 +0000

Update: Today it has rained (March 12, 2013), which means this discount gift is now officially over! Hope you all were able to avail of it! Thank you, and until next time!

For no other reason other than that today I am happy, I am offering ALL of my books on 50% discount! Let's call this the "Sunny Days Are Happy Days" discount gift! Because the minute it rains, this discount gift is over! That means if it rains later on, that's the end of the discount gift and if it rains 5 weeks from now, you get to enjoy this 50% off for five more weeks! :D So, pray for sunlight, everyone! And do enjoy!

50% Discount Code: J8KD7FVA

This discount may be redeemed at any/all of these four stores (depending on which of my books you would like to purchase):

All Things Dance Like Dragonflies
The Sun Is Snowing
Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948
The Suns Snow And The Sands Move

While the sunlight lasts...

The Courage To Breathe

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 05:38:00 +0000

“Whatever anyone does or says, I must be emerald and keep my colour.”

(Marcus Aurelius; Meditations)

As many of you may already know by now, the above quote by Marcus Aurelius has been my motto in life. But today I raise a question for all of us to think about! What happens when one day someone comes exploding into your life and already knows that you're an emerald? You have spent your life keeping your color; despite the fears, betrayals, disappointments and hurts, then what if one day somebody falls down from the assembly of the gods and simply knows you through and through? Your color, your worth... the fact that you are emerald! The question is: how do you stop "keeping" color, when all you have left to do is simply to "be" emerald? No more fear. How does one begin to cope with the sudden loss of fear? Certainly it is the very best thing that can happen to an individual on earth, but I am startled by the realization that letting go of the battle against life and simply being alive, might actually require courage, in itself! It takes courage not only to fight; it also takes courage to believe that good things can happen. It takes courage to simply have grace, to breathe. There comes a time when you no longer need to protect yourself, and that is just as honourable, and perhaps even more honourable, than all the battles you stood up to fight!

The Nature of Greatness

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 02:06:00 +0000

I can see, and I think it is very easily and obviously spotted anywhere and everywhere, that we live in an era of self-entitlement. I think it's very apparent that the main drive of people these days, is to feel better about themselves. People do things, read things, say things and think things, with the goal of lifting themselves higher. And people are believing in things that promote this train of thought. "The Universe will do everything for you", "Universe will conspire for your good", "You are your own god", "Everything is created for your glory." And while I truly understand how these schools of thought and various belief systems make people feel better about themselves in many ways, I still believe that humility is the greater virtue.

There is a danger that is created by collective beliefs of this nature. When every person is focused on feeling good about himself or herself, there is a great temptation to become blind to personal faults. And I believe that the true way to create something beautiful, is not through the blinding of the eyes to all of one's faults, but it is through the correction of these faults! And in order to correct a fault, one must first see it! You are never going to see your faults, if all you believe in is a theory and a lifestyle of self-entitlement!

To inflate the sense of well-being is an understandable need. But is it the more powerful state to come into? I think not. I think that humility is the more powerful state to step into. And it is only the smaller that needs to inflate herself bigger, while it is the bigger who will decrease in size to be able to fit down lower. People have this dream of being unreachable. They build a name for themselves and then finally fulfill their dream of "being more important." Which just shows they were born from down below. Because when you're born from up above, your dreams have nowhere to go but downwards! And you dream of doing things in order to meet people, to know them, to understand the smallest importances. The one who is born of the earth, dreams of the sky. The one who is born of the sky, dreams of the earth.

Not all things that make you feel good, are things that you need. It's wonderful to be able to instantaneously have all the things that make you feel good– be it praises, material things, words that you read to yourself, and etc. But is it the more honorable thing to have? Or do you actually become a better person through the process of lowliness and the acknowledgment of lack? And I'm not saying that one should not strive for anything more! In fact, I am saying quite the opposite– one can strive for more when one acknowledges that one is needful of more! The wisest man of his time, Plato, said “I thought to myself: I am wiser than this man; neither of us probably knows anything that is really good, but he thinks he has knowledge, when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think I have.” And so even the acquisition of wisdom should be done under the cloak of humility. It's not for showing that we are wise, but it is simply for the ascension of the soul. Aha! Now here we come to a true uplifting! An ascension through the path of humility! Out of a nothingness, the Universe was born! Was it born from a greatness? No, it was born from a nothingness. In the humblest block of coal can be instilled and encapsulated– the hottest and brightest flame! Out of the smallest places if insignificance, can come the brightest sparks of the soul, which sprout wings and carry one up higher! And this is the flight that cannot be hindered, the flight that truly flies higher than the eagles!

So I warn against self-entitlement, against the feeling that everything is created for your own benefit, that everything is surrounding you to lift you up, that you are the center of the Universe... I warn against these systems of thought. It is very easy to lose one's humility, therefore losing one's greatness! For true greatness lies in humility; humility is the single most beautiful ornament that you can wear, and the most powerful state of being you can exist in.

Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 01:59:00 +0000

My son is memorizing a poem for a school activity, which happens to be a beautiful piece by E.E. Cummings. I love this poem if only for the last line of it, by which I entitled this post. When I read this poem, and when I help my son with reciting it, I feel that every other line, every other word in the poem, leads to that very last line and when that very last line is read, it sends tingles through one's soul. Everything else in this piece builds momentum for that beautiful last line.

My son asked me what I thought it was all about, and I said "You know how he is describing someone (could be a lover, a child, or a loved one) all throughout the poem? Someone who obviously has the gentleness and the power to be so much to him? Well he all sums it up in the end as hands so small that can reach into the very crevices and cracks of his heart and soul. You know how a drop of water can get into anything? Well even a drop of rain doesn't have hands so gentle and so powerful like this person he writes of!"

I admit that I am surprised the poem is written all in lower-case letters, which I find a strange thing for an old poet to do (poets of the past eras). But the lower-case letters do add to the gentleness, simplicity, and "smallness" of it all.

Today is the day before Valentine's Day (2/13/13) and is also the day I have officially published my book All Things Dance Like Dragonflies! You might be thinking Why didn't she wait for Valentine's Day? Well, it just so happens that the number "13" is the gematria of two very important words in Kabbalah; "Echad" and "Ahavah" ("One" and "Love"). Therefore two thirteens together create "One Love" ; "Echad Ahavah" so as a matter of fact, 13/13 is a very powerful representation of love in Kabbalistic gematria. So, today is even more powerful than Valentine's Day, and fueled by the fact that it is right before the "Love Day" of the world! But I will also point out that it's already Valentine's Day in many countries right now! So a Happy Valentine's Day to all of you who celebrate! I have numerous cakes to offer up to everyone, in the celebration of One Love, Valentine's Day, and the publication date of All Things Dance Like Dragonflies! Cake is served as the main course and we'll all have the poem for dessert!

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

any experience, your eyes have their silence:

in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,

or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me

though i have closed myself as fingers,

you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens

(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and

my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,

as when the heart of this flower imagines

the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals

the power of your intense fragility: whose texture

compels me with the color of its countries,

rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes

and opens; only something in me understands

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

Those purple wings against that very turquoise sky...

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 09:29:00 +0000

COMING SOON!!!!!!!

A sampling of what's in store for you...

Hoppípolla

You know

I still remember the way your perfume smelled

You jumped up and down

The muddy water in the puddle

Splashed

Some mud even landed on my chin

Your hair bounced

And froze in the summer wind

All around your face

Rose petals

The air always smelled like

Rose petals

When we jumped

And skipped around

In those muddy puddles

Your eyes would twinkle

You know?

They would twinkle and inside them

I could see myself

You are

My best friend

hoppípolla

(v.) Icelandic word which translates in English to the exact phrase “jumping into puddles.”

C. JoyBell C. dot com

Is This About Valentine's Day?

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 02:40:00 +0000

“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. And when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment...”

― Plato (The Symposium)

In this modern day and age, people throw around the term "soul mate" all too loosely. If they find someone who fits their criteria, it's a soul mate. If they find someone who can make them feel good, it's a soul mate. If they find someone who lives nearby and is "conveniently placed for a relationship" it's a soul mate. On the contrary, when we look at the origins of the concept of the soul mate, we can understand (those of us who have understanding), that if it were so convenient and easy, then it wouldn't be a soul mate, at all. Or else, Zeus would be dimwitted and stupid. And I'm afraid he is not. Why would the other half of your soul simply be someone who lives down the street (yes that could happen, Destiny having her way, but it's unlikely to happen), or simply someone who meets your criteria? And if you fall for a criteria, in the first place, is that a person or is that a list of things that you like? Do you even see the person? At all?

I don't think people find their soul mates as often as they would like to believe. I believe that people can fall in love many times and with many other people; people can have love! But having another person who is the other half of your soul? Happens less often, and when it does happen, these cases are amongst the greatest love stories ever known, or the greatest love stories that unfolded far from the eyes of the rest of mankind (not all great things are famous things or popular things!)

What would it be like to find the other half of your soul, separated from you? First of all, it would be a very difficult thing to accomplish, as this soul could be anywhere on this planet! And if/when you do find the person, what do you think it would feel like to meet the half of you that hasn't been there for such a long time? Yes, it would feel like a completion, a wholeness; but it would also feel like all things dangerous and unknown; hidden and unexplored. It could possibly even be frightening. Especially if Zeus had it in his mind to particularly keep the two of you far apart!

Is this about Zeus? No, this isn't really about Zeus. Is this about Valentine's Day? Not really, but you can think that if you like! But I think this is about walking on the edge of something different, something deeper and ancient and far-fetched.

To Bleed And To Burn

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 10:12:00 +0000

To Bleed And To Burn

I was asked of how I believe in love; of the way that I see it and the way that I respond to it. Of how I recognize it and if my heart has ever longed for it. And in that instant, I realized, for the first time, that not all people are like me! Not all people are born with a burning flame within themselves. Not all people were born as a baby in this flesh, possessing wings within the soul– wings that wish to fly everlastingly and be reunited with "the other one" eternally!

I answered, "Well isn't it not all the same? Isn't it that we come into this world and from day one we begin our search for our "other one"? Is it not that we search and search as one searches for an emerald, or a ruby; a sapphire or a diamond? And is it not that when we see it, we know what it is?"

Is it not?

But no, my eyes were opened, unveiled, and I saw like a small baby opening her eyes for the first time after being born into this world, that it is not the same for everyone! Mostly, they don't know what it is that they look for; they say it's love but their love is something else! Mostly, they make decisions; their heart doesn't bleed over in desire and want! Mostly, they are able to sleep in perfect warmth, without the arms of "the other one" around them! They don't see her in their dreams at night, or they don't see him in their dreams at night... they don't know what this is...the love of those few who are like me.

Belong To Me

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 11:37:00 +0000

Belong To Me

We come into each other’s lives

Wishing we could give ourselves

Pure and untouched

Unblemished and unforgotten

But instead

We are scarred

Wounded

We’ve been forgotten by many

Thrown away by some

But you have to look

Into somebody's eyes and

Show the scars

The wounds, the

Places where it hurts

Because you need to belong

To somebody

And somebody needs to belong

To you

So it has to be real

They have to see

And know

An Eternal Tale

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 15:59:00 +0000

When I was a little girl, there was a small store selling school supplies, that I used to frequent. But aside from buying school supplies, I had a secret reason for my frequent visits! You see, there in the store stood a single bookcase with a few books on it. One book in particular, mesmerized me enough to call me back to the store over and over again, just so I could stand there and look up at it! And there was only one copy of the book on the bookcase, only one copy ever! I would stand there, staring at it! I looked into the face of the little girl on the book cover, I studied how her hair was drawn onto it! I gazed into her eyes, I felt that her eyes told me the whole entire story within the book's cover! I believed that the soul of the little girl, told the story within those pages! I would gaze into her eyes, I studied the strands of her hair, I would pick up the book and run my finger over it's spine, my thumb over the thickness of its pages! The book was so thick, I thought to myself! It always just seemed to take my breath away, during every single one of my visits to the store! Until now, still I ask myself why I never bought the book! I would look forward to needing school supplies, just so I could have an excuse for going there and looking at the book, but I never did buy it! I remember how I felt, yes, I did want to buy it, but there was something so intimidating about it...was it the title? "Less Mizerabless..." I wondered what it meant... or was it the thickness? It was so thick, in my mind it felt thicker than my whole body! Or was it her eyes...was I afraid that if I opened the book, I would fall completely into her soul, possibly never to recover? I cannot be sure what it was that stopped me from buying the book, or from even just opening it! But I am sure that there was a bond created, and that reinstated itself, upon every one of my visits!

Today I watched Les Miserables in the cinema. To say that I have never cried so much in a cinema, in my life, is a gross understatement of the experience I had while watching the movie. The story Les Miserables, is magnanimous. My heart slows down a few beats when I ponder the magnanimity of the mind that created it! For someone to be able to take a step away, and turn around and look back, at life, and see life in all of it's facets, all of her faces, and be able to put all of those facets and faces into a single story? I am speechless. If Victor Hugo were living today, I would be honored to bow before him!

Les Miserables is the story of life itself, and just how difficult life can be! This relates so well to my previous post on how all of us are separated by just a hair-thin line! We could have been someone else, somewhere else, we could have been given a completely different lot in life! And I realize, I see, how everything in one's life is spelled out by where the person happens to be on this large globe, that is a map, that is drawn out with different lots and people happen to be there or here or over there or so very far away! And I am not talking about physical distance; I am talking about the place of one's life in this world, one's lot in life, what one is given! In Les Miserables, we are shown just how enormous and unbelievably incredible, the differences can be between people, just because of where they are in life! Yet at the very same time, all differences are really just separated only by a line so thin, it is like a thin strand of hair! I cried while watching Fantine go from struggling mother, to struggling prostitute! Tears rolled down my cheeks! Her life was always just a breath away from being blown away, and all too soon for her, it was! My thoughts turned to all the prostitutes in the world today, and how many of them probably have a story similar to Fantine's, how many of them are probably selling their bodies to feed their children! The love of a mother shines forth so brightly in this movie! Karl Lagerfeld once said "There is only one love that I believe in, and that is the love of a mother for her children" and I know that Karl Lagerfeld is an unlikely source to quote, but I was reminded of his words while watching the movie! We are shown the true strength and undying, relentless spirit of a mother's love for her child! And not all mothers are this way, but, this is the way of the love as it was intended by God to be, since the beginning of time! But there's so much more than that! We are also shown the love of a father for his daughter (even if she does not share his blood nor his bones); we are shown how the love of a parent can be made entirely in the heart, and be no less stronger; and even more stronger and more powerful, than the love of a biological parent for their child/children! We see this in the the eternal love of Jean Valjean for Cosette! We are put in front of the realities of the evils of oppression, and how easy it is for those with much wealth, to oppress those who have less or who have nothing! How a man who stole a loaf of bread for his dying nephew, can be treated as lower than a dog, as a shame of a person, as the outcast of God, as unrighteous, a sinner! Les Miserables shows us all, how a single act of mercy and kindness, can change the entire course of one's future, and not only that, but the entire course of many people's futures! Nevertheless, we realize, that a single act of judgment, apathy, unkindness, can too change the entire course of many people's lives, for forever! We witness how people are deformed in the hands of cruelty and oppression, in the absence of mercy and empathy! But we also witness how people are recreated and re-birthed in the hands of mercy and of grace! We taste of the bad man's interpretation of God, and we taste of the good man's interpretation of God! Both have a God, but then God has become two things so infinitely contrasting and opposite and different of one another– depending only on the hearts of the ones professing Him! It is true that we carry God within our hearts! And it is our own hearts that give Him His color!

I can see, how there are those who are shown mercy and forgiveness, and are able to in turn show mercy and forgiveness to their fellow man! But in the same breath, there are those who are shown mercy and forgiveness, but are still unable to do the same when their opportune time comes to do the same act of kindness that was once shown to them! There are those who are forgiven, yet do not know how to forgive! There are those who are born in jail, yet one day grow into their own persons and turn to look upon those in jail as scum, as dogs! There are good people, but there are more bad people! There are the courageous people who are willing to spill their own blood for the freedom of a nation, and there are cowards who think of nothing other than their own personal comfort and social status! Bravery can come from the poor and from the rich, just as cowardice can come from the poor and from the rich! There are good people amongst the bourgeoisie, and there are awful, oppressive ones! We see all too clearly, how money determines the fate of all too many people in this world! All throughout history, wealth has fallen into the hands of those with blemished hearts, into the hands of those who use it to oppress their fellow man! Just because they can! It is all too clear a fact, that money dictates life, and those without it are at the mercy of those who do have it.

In the cinema today, I was reminded of the sweetness of love between a man and a woman, how a man and a woman can fall in love at first sight, and how a woman can have a love so strong, she would actually give up her own life for the man she loves! I was reminded how there are the few who have been favoured and placed on thrones: those like Cosette! She walked a path in life that, though it was bitter to her in the beginning, turned upward and faced the sun and the roses, while all others fell by the wayside! Cosette is one of those people who live in the apple of God's eye! Everything that she once lost, was repaid to her tenfold! People gave their lives for her keeping, she was protected and sheltered from harm.

The significance of envy in this world, was put in front of my eyes, and it was very painful to behold! How a beautiful young woman, falling prey to the envious eyes of her coworkers, suffered an excruciating fate and death as a result! It engraved upon my mind, the power that envy has, in this world! It has the power to destroy, to pull down, and what for? What did Fantine ever do to deserve her fate? She never saw her dreams come true, she fell all too soon, while those ugly women who so envied her, continued on with their lives! It is not true that all receive what they deserve, because many don't!

There are good people, there are more bad people; there is kindness and forgiveness, there is judgment and apathy; there is bravery and courage, there is cowardice and ego! Every facet of life, and not only the existence of these facets themselves; but actually how they merge and swim into one another, coming together and falling away from one another, all is written out so perfectly, so magnanimously, in Les Miserables! And what kind of a mind, what kind of a heart, can produce such a work? The heart of a magnanimous man! The mind of brilliance!

I am in awe, and now have a new favorite movie! I comprehend in my heart, why I used to stand under that bookcase as a young girl, and stare up at the novel on the shelf! It spoke to me, even without me opening its pages! And perhaps it was a prophecy, telling me that one day, I would see the things written in its pages and I would strive to do good by the things that I would come to understand, that I would see, that I would witness! Because if we do have a chance to be that goodness and that kindness, if we have it in us, we should let it shine, we should do something about it! Because if not, there is too much darkness that already exists, and it's not enough to just exist along with it! We have to make good choices, and have kindness in our hearts. Mercy, forgiveness. If we are born that way, then we have to let that light shine! I guess I was right, way back then! I guess it was premonition, when I felt that I would somehow fall into those eyes so completely, that I would never be able to recover!

Photo of Les Miserables book found on Pinterest.

The Value Of Your Flaw

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 15:39:00 +0000

I have had a new realization! And it is about the necessity and the goodness of shortcomings! We ask ourselves "Why all the shortcomings?" Well, at least those of us who are not disillusioned thinking we are impeccable and incapable of being flawed– we see our shortcomings, therefore, we are able to ask ourselves about the necessity of these! For example, there is the flaw in man that dictates he/she is only able to see the worth/the value of a things/a person, when the thing or person is already beyond reach! "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" is what they say! This is surely a flaw, I think! Because if only you are able to see the true value of something or someone during the time that you are still able to do something about it, then there would be less shortcomings, far less regrets in life! But why are we constantly caught in the back and forth of losing sight of value, and then finding it? One can move from plain to plain, from plateau to plateau, only seeing the beauty of the place he has already left, when he gets to the other place! It is a great stupidity! Yet it keeps on happening! Why? And so we are led to see our shortcomings, in many different ways! Moreover, it is always easy to see the shortcomings in another person, and say, "Oh I am so much better than that," which leads to the enlargement of the ego. It feels good when the ego is enlarged, doesn't it? And that's why people keep on looking for ways to enlarge it! Quite like how a cat looks for ways to be stroked, finding reasons to purr! When your ego inflates, that is like the purring of a cat! And you always want to feel that beautiful rhythm, so you naturally look for ways to make it happen! Whether subconsciously, or in all awareness!

So, it is very easy to see the fault of your neighbor; but it takes a true maturity to look at your neighbor in all of his faults, and recognize that you could very well be right in the same place that he is in! It takes a true acceptance of the nature of life, to be able to look at your neighbor in all of her faults, and plainly see that you could be in her shoes, at that very moment, if not only for the good grace of God! And in fact, you right now in all of your finesse and thought-out, laid-out refinement, could be somebody else's laughing stock! Because someone else out there has already risen from your levels of "perfection", into an even purer one! I like to think of it this way: God forbid I look upon myself and realize myself to be a hypocrite, one day; I would rather look at my neighbor in all of her imperfection and ingratitude and see her as someone that I might have been, or someone that I might be right now, in the eyes of somebody else!

As you can see, shortcoming has a beautiful purpose, if we are only able to look at ourselves in the mirror and allow ourselves to see them! Shortcomings allow us vision, allow us to see past what is simply in front of our eyes, our shortcomings afford us foresight! Our shortcomings allow us to have mercy, instead of judgment! When I look at myself and see all of my flaws, the one thing that I wish I could change, is my past judgments of other people! When you judge someone for being a certain way, life has a way of one day putting you exactly right in that same position, and suddenly you understand why the person was that way or why the person did this and did that. At the end of the day, your shortcomings allow you to have grace, tolerance, not only for others, but for yourself! We are taught the falsity that we are allowed our own opinions about everyone else, but I believe this is untrue. I believe I would rather not have an opinion about someone else, lest life put me in that very same spot as that other person, just so I will taste what it's like! The truth is, we are only separated in our lots in life, by the grace of God! And by the choices that we make, too! There is a very thin line between you and the prostitute. You could have been a prostitute, too. There is a very thin line between you and the homeless person, the person sleeping on a cardboard box on the street. You could have been born that person, or circumstances could have driven you to become just like that person. And when we look at people in all of their beliefs which we deem to be wrong and void, we have to stop and think that there is a very thin line between us and them. What if you were born into a family of Catholics? Then you would probably be Catholic! What if you were born in the Middle East? Then you would most probably be a Muslim! There are these hair-thin lines that spell out where people are in this world, their lots in life! And that is why there literally is no space left for making any judgments!

How far can we go, judging ourselves, then? Lets say you are fully capable of looking at your reflection in the mirror and accepting the existence of your flaws, how far should you go judging your own self? Should you continue to the point that all you see are your wrongdoings? Absolutely not! But you must live in the grace of God, so you may look at yourself through the eyes of His grace, and see that your shortcomings are windows into eternity. Your shortcomings are holes in the wall of space and time. If you allow yourself to see your imperfections, you will be able to become so much more! Funny how a person becomes so much more, only when he becomes so much less!

A Blessing

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Tue, 01 Jan 2013 04:37:00 +0000

A blessing for the New Year 2013, for those of you who have truly loved and cherished me! A blessing of rebirth and renewal!

Robins Eggs by Wayne Kryduba

The Map of Life

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 02:03:00 +0000

Instead of making New Year's resolutions; try looking back! Write down every single significant thing you've learned about the world, about people, about yourself, about God, onto the back of a map! After all, our experiences, growths, and learnings in life do become the maps of our future! I've needed to use maps before, I've caught myself many times at the corner of a street in the middle of nowhere, a map in hand, trying to find my way! I know for sure that you don't find your way by saying "This is where I am going to go and this is what I am going to do and that is what I am going to become!" Rather, you find your way by charting out the paths that you've already taken, the turns that you've already made, the notes you jotted down when you asked people for directions! You put that all together, and it is by these things that you find your way!

Merry Christmas To All!

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 08:45:00 +0000

My novella, Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, may currently be downloaded for FREE into your Kindle device! I gave this promo the name "The World Didn't End promo." At least, that's what it says in my Kindle author dashboard (I don't think anyone else can see it!) So, in celebration of the world not ending (or as a way to soothe your disappointment over the world not ending), I offer you my novella for free download on Kindle, from today through December 27! Consider this my Christmas gift to you, as well!

Here is a direct link:

DOWNLOAD HERE

If you have any problems or questions, please don't hesitate to ask, and I will try my best to help you! I'm also new at offering promos, so I am crossing my fingers hoping that I have done everything successfully and nobody has any problems downloading! For any inquiries or if you need any assistance, please write on my Facebook Timeline.

The Reasons Why

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 14:14:00 +0000

The Reasons Why

The strangest things about me

Are how I trip over my words

Doubt myself every two seconds

And laugh in between all of that

Laughing at all the wrong times

And believing a little

And then not believing at all

Everything at the same time!

I think you’ll like the way

My eyelids lower

To hide my soul sometimes

But then I think you can see

The small scars on my face

And want me

Or not want me

How can I feel so much

All at the same time?

The strangest things about me

May be the reasons why you’ll love me

What If Nothing Ever Ends?

noreply@blogger.com (C. JoyBell C.) — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 14:27:00 +0000

Here's a truly frightening idea: What if the world never comes to an end? Have you ever thought of that? It seems like looking for the end of the world is more of an act of anticipation! Has anyone realized that over and over and over again, there have been "end dates" for humanity, yet we're still here until now? And just think, how much of those feelings are actually feelings of anticipation rather than dread? I think it is the instinct of humanity to search for a final end to this world, and the true fear lies in the idea that the world might not ever end! Take a moment of your time to contemplate that thought: nothing ever ending! Now, that's a true fear, if I may say so myself!