Original image from Flickr

I know I’ve been talking about change for 2 posts straight already. Add this one, and that makes 3. I was actually supposed to post another, and then post this one. I realized how redundant I was being at that point though.

This post itself was just supposed to be some sort of summary of everything I’d changed in myself the past couple of years – like a sort of wrap up of the two other posts – but now that thought has sort of morphed into something else.

I love writing, because it gets me thinking.

For example, as I was writing this post in particular, I started to look at this “change” as something else entirely.

There was something my mom said the other day, and even something Jen wrote in the comments the other day that made me realize all of this for what it was.

Your confidence is like a sleeping dragon in you, and you just woke that up. :)
- Jen, in the comments

You were such an extrovert as a kid; you’re just going back to the person you used to be.
- My Mom

I believe that people will always have certain defining traits that never really change as they grow, characteristics that will always be a part of who they are, no matter what.

For the longest time, I thought those traits were my shyness and introversion.

When I think about it though, as a child, I was actually one of the most outgoing, most excitable, most extroverted of people. I’ve always been talkative, but I’ve been so selectively talkative for so long that it got me to forget that, as a kid, I never shut up, no matter what the situation.

Shyness, awkwardness, introversion, self-consciousness – these aren’t my defining traits. All that was just a phase, a phase that I’m, thankfully, starting to outgrow.

I, and many others, saw this past year as a sort of a period of change wherein I mutated into some person that I wasn’t originally.

In reality though, I’m not straying away from who I was, rather, I’m just going back to my roots. Not changing from, but changing back into the person I was before all this mess.

The sad thing wasn’t that I wasn’t “fashionable” or that I was a simple dresser, because that in itself isn’t a problem. The problem was the one thing that kept me from dressing up any differently – fear.

I was never one who liked surprises, trying new things, or standing out. I’m scared of taking risks, and this characteristic of mine is seen in basically all areas of my life – not just in fashion.

I’m always afraid to raise my hand in class. Even when I’m 99% sure my answer is the right answer, it’s that 1% chance of saying the wrong one that keeps my mouth shut and my hands down. I probably only voluntarily recite in class like 5 times a year, and I’m not even exaggerating.

Back when I played a bit of DotA and Counter Strike, I never played against my brother. I was always on the same team as my brother, since, most of the time, he was the only one I played with, and I was so afraid to lose.

I’m 16 years old, I live in the suburbs, and I still don’t know how to ride a bike, because I’m so afraid of falling.

This is why my recitation scores are always low, why I still suck at DotA, and why I don’t know how to ride a bike. It is also why my style of dressing in my Sophomore year of high school was exactly the same as it was when I was in the 4th grade. I was afraid of change. I was afraid to evolve.

Even when I bought skirts, dresses, bright jeans and other clothes that I really did want to wear, my fear never let me wear them.

But somehow, these last few months, I managed to change. I managed to evolve.

I swore off flip-flops (in non-beach, non-poolside settings, of course). I started wearing the clothes I’d originally just left to rot in my closet. I actually wear dresses and skirts now.

I actually like clothes now. Correction: I love clothes now.

Thanks to my newfound self-confidence, I have now moved past my “fear of fashion” and moved on to another fashion-related problem – my obsession with it.

I suppose, if it means being more confident in myself, that it is the lesser of the two evils (though my wallet begs to differ).

I’m not even trying to change, but it’s happening so much, so fast.

For the most part, it’s a good thing. It’s just a bit confusing, since a lot of the things I thought kind of defined me before are starting to fade away.

I always just automatically considered myself to be a shy person, and I still kind of do. There were only certain people I ever really talked to. I had a pretty awkward relationship with the other 99% of people I knew.

The thought of interacting with strangers still scares me; I do realize the irony of saying that online, when majority of the people who are reading this are strangers anyway, but real life is different. Making an order at a restaurant, asking questions at a store, and even ordering pizza through the phone, put me into this state of panic. I hear my thoughts screaming to me, “Abort mission! Abort mission!”, and, most of the time, I follow. I force someone else to do it for me, or just don’t do it at all, effectively starving me or costing me a good opportunity in the process.

Pretty pathetic, I know.

My situation with strangers is improving though, but only barely.

So what’s the big difference?

Well, before, I actually considered a lot of people to be strangers to me – classmates, relatives, acquaintances – I treated them all like strangers. So when faced with the possibility of social interaction with any of these “strangers”, I go into panic mode again, and I either silence myself or just leave, if I can.

It used to take a lot to get out of that “stranger” bubble – like you had to be my best friend or a member of my family for me to be talkative around you.

My stranger bubble has shrunk though; I don’t treat a lot of these people like strangers anymore. I treat them like friends, so I find myself being talkative around a lot more people now a lot more often than I did before.

The past few months, people have been saying things about me that I never thought anyone would. People I’ve known for a long time are saying things like, “Aren’t you supposed to be quiet?”, and “You’re so noisy pala!” Even people I’ve only met recently are asking, “Is she always like this? Is she really this happy and talkative all the time?”

It’s weird, but it’s great.

I used to be the “emotionless” girl. The quiet girl. The awkward girl.

But now, apparently, I’m talkative, happy and noisy.

I even have a few friends now that are telling me that they used to look at me in a certain way, and that they were pleasantly surprised to find out that I wasn’t actually a snob, that I wasn’t actually anti-social, or that I wasn’t actual scary (and yes, a friend of mine did tell me that he thought I was scary before).

When I think about it though, from the outside looking in, I probably would’ve appeared to be all of those things, because I probably was – the keyword being, “was”.

I also wasn’t able to continue a sort of blogging series I’d only just started at the time, “Introducing Myself”.

Since I don’t really talk about myself in detail all that much on this blog, I figured it would be a great way for you to know me better, and, honestly, also a great way for me to always have something to blog about since I always seem to be running out of ideas.

I already posted the first part of the series a few months ago, mainly about myself in general. You can read “1. Introducing Myself” by clicking the link if you’re interested.

But today, I’m talking about my family. My family is composed of 5 people – my mom, my dad, my twin brother, my little brother, and me. You already know me, so it’s about time I introduced you to the rest of my family!

My Mom

My mom is my best friend. Two years ago, I probably would’ve said the opposite, or more likely nothing at all, of my mother, but right now that’s the truth. I don’t make kwento to many people. Even my best friends know close to nothing about my love life, my family life, and my personal life in general. All my happiness, sadness, anger – I share it with my mom. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing relationship with her, and I just love her to death.

My Dad

I’ve written a mother’s day letter to my mom, I’ve talked about having a twin brother, and I’ve mentioned my little brother more times than my fingers could count. I’ve written over and over again about my family, though my blog contains little love for my father. Which is too bad, because, honestly, he is an amazing person.

He’s one of those dorky dads. He loves telling lame jokes, and he loves laughing at lame jokes when nobody else does (which is usually the case). He likes messing with us over and over again, even until way after it stopped being funny. He’s awesome.

More than just a nerd though, he is an amazing father. If I could just say one thing about my dad, it would be that he loves his family. He works hard, and of course he also has his hobbies, but you can just tell that his family will always be his first priority.

My Twin Brother

I did mention a couple of times before that I have a twin brother. He looks nothing like me, by the way, for those who might ask.

I don’t really remember any time in my life when I’d hugged him, so, from the outside, it may not seem like we’re close, but we’re actually extremely close. It’s just not the obvious kind of close.

We’ve always talked, though I feel like recently, we’ve been talking about more personal things than we’ve ever talked about before. I’m glad we’re able to talk about those kinds of things with each other now. I feel like I know him so much better now – that says a lot, considering that I already knew him pretty well before.

My Little Brother

Lukie. Lucas. Luke. Probably the only non-famous name I’ve ever mentioned on this blog besides my own.

Lukie is adorable, something you would expect me to say about a 6-year-old. There is a 10 year gap between Lukie and I (and, of course, my twin brother). Because of this, I think he will always be a “little” brother to me; there’s no doubt we will be baby-ing him forever, probably even when he’s already a teenager. I don’t like to think about him growing up though!

Though I spent most of my life without him, it feels strange trying to imagine ever being in a family with just 4 people in it. It feels like he’s just always been there, like I never had a life without his constant hugging and unending chatter.

Honestly, I could talk about my family for hours, but by then I’d probably bore you if I haven’t already.

I love my family. I feel so blessed and lucky to have them in my life.

I’m sure most of you at least noticed that a new layout has been up for a few days. Though only a few from you probably know that this isn’t actually a new layout.

This is Denimized (yes, I’m terrible with names), the second layout I ever had up on Clar.me – one of my favorites.

And why am I using an old layout? There are actually a few reasons…

1. I was getting sick of my last layout already.
2. I couldn’t seem to make a decent new layout.
3. This layout gave me a sense of nostalgia.

Seeing this layout brings me back to a time when I was so passionate about web design. I still love web design, but I haven’t been doing a lot of it lately, and, honestly, I really miss that time before when I’d find myself working on two or three layouts a week, simply because I wanted to. I miss that, and I love that this layout makes me feel a bit of that former passion again.

It’s like I’ve been addicted to nostalgia lately.

A couple of weeks ago, I started playing Fire Emblem on the GBA emulator I had on my computer, a game my brother and I used to play so much when we were in grade school. I continued playing for around a week, which doesn’t sound too long, but you didn’t see me. It was like basically my life.

My boyfriend actually a newer version of Fire Emblem (Sacred Stone) on his DS (even though it’s a Gameboy game), and offered me a save slot, and it took so much out of me to say no. I don’t let myself play video games when he’s around because I tend to get kind of oblivious of my surroundings when I play. I don’t want to be that way around him!

There was also a time even earlier this summer, maybe at the beginning of April, when I’d restarted Final Fantasy XII, and it was actually worse than it was with Fire Emblem.

I used to play DotA and had been meaning to reinstall it and try playing again this summer, just for nostalgia’s sake, but I’m so afraid of what’ll become of me if I do!

My nostalgia comes in many different forms – not just in the form of video games, but also in the form of music. A lot of people laugh at me when I tell them that I used to be this huge Paramore fan – apparently, I’m not the type at all. Though my interest in the band has declined over the past couple of years, recently, I’ve been finding myself listening to their music again.

Also, I’ve been rewatching Friends from the very beginning. It’s not like the T.V. show was ever a particularly big part of my life, but, for some reason, the other day, just out of nowhere, I felt like watching. So I did.

This obsession with nostalgia probably started last December, when my boyfriend gave me the first Pokemon movie on a DVD. We watched it together, the first time I’d watched it in maybe 8 years. And I cried. I really did. Sounds kind of pathetic, I know, but you could see Ash there, motionless as a stone, and Pikachu, desperately trying to revive him, and you just well up inside, even when you know that kids movies always have to end well.

Nostalgia. It’s so crazy and wonderful. It’s not like I’m not happy with my life now, but looking back at times before when I was so happy and passionate makes me feel so excited, like I’m opening Clar.me for the first time, like I’m still in grade school, like I’m back in that Pokemon-obsessed phase (well, more Pokemon-obsessed than now at least). It’s nice to know that I have past-me around to cheer me up.