The ideas from this post is a condensed version of a chapter from Tantrums, Troubles, Treasures called Handling Arguments in the Home. Feel free to place your cursor above where it says About the Book then click on the Reviews tab.  From there, you can click the book on the right hand side of the screen for your copy.

The first thing you have to understand as a parent is that there is a hierarchy in the home.  Moms and dads are on top, children come next, and pets come last.  Although most parents would understand this (generally speaking) they sometimes forget when emotions become involved such as frustration and anger.  Those emotions do not have to stem from the child’s behavior.  A bad day at work, a disagreement with the spouse, or even a frustrating  article in a newspaper can plant the seeds.  Once the seeds are planted, a child can easily set off a trigger. The trigger may cause a parent to argue with a child even if he/she knows better.  Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes, the child is the seed AND the trigger.  But, if a parent thinks long enough about the overall day that the last argument took place; there is a chance that other events influenced the tensions with the child.

Arguments tend to  occur when a certain amount of emotional control is lost or authority is challenged. Therefore, parents need to make sure they are keeping their emotions in check when a child is starting to lose theirs. When this happens, arguments can be limited if not completely eliminated.

Here are a couple of strategies I use when I feel an argument with a child heating up.  Try one of these strategies and see if it will not work for you.

1.  Be a good listener- Interruptions should be at a minimum.  Let the child get out what is on their mind.  If the subject is emotional enough, it is possible that the mental fatigue alone can help diffuse the situation.  Sometimes children only need to be heard even if they know they are not going to get their way.  A little patience by a parent is a small price to pay.

2.  State your opinion in a calm but authoritative voice.  Often times, I will use lines such as “I hear what you are saying but here is my decision.”  If a child retorts, I sometimes only shake my head up and down or I may repeat my last line, “I hear what you are saying….”

Here’s a final psychological nugget that I hope will serve parents.  I do not have to argue with children because I am always going to get what I want.  Parents should consider adopting this type of attitude.  It is the same mentality as if I was playing competitive chess with my 5 year old.  I am going to win every time and it is not even a fair fight.

I will write to you again next week.  Feel free in the meantime to visit my Facebook page at claytonpaulthomas.  Also, if you are like me who is a twit that tweets; I can found @adad2trust. See you next week!

The easiest way for me to lay out this article is to attack it from the prospective of the principal who supports police intervention against those who are against it.  Both sides, in my opinion, have a compelling case.  I will start with the principal perspective, transition to some questions I have from the opposite perspective, and finish with some analysis stemming from my years as a classroom teacher.

A child who hits and kicks in school is nothing new even at such a young age.  (I regretfully inform you that as a first grader; your humble blogger punched his teacher in the nose after being slapped).  What was not stated in the article (link located at the bottom of the page) is why this principal felt the need for such actions.  One reason, of course, could be that she was so angry about being kicked that she may have felt like hurting the child.  Somehow though, I don’t believe that was the reason.  We live in a highly litigious society.  My guess is that she felt like this was a serious situation that she could no longer handle.  Although the article didn’t state this; I will bet you there were events which led to the principal being kicked.  The article did state that another administrator had previously been attacked by the same child.  I’m wondering if the principal feared a lawsuit.  After all, is any child potentially worth losing a career over not to mention several thousands of dollars defending themselves?  A teacher would have a  union which could potentially pay for legal actions.  Principals though do not have this luxury.  Even if they did though, the principal touching a student is still taking a risk.

Another angle is that placing a problematic child in handcuffs sends a message to the student body.  Although this would be a last resort, police are better equipped to deal with “physical matters.”  Other children may look at what happened to child x and decide that this wasn’t a good day to misbehave.  Being scared straight may not be a bad thing providing that the child learns classroom material as opposed to losing his/her temper and committing a violent act.

Let’s transition to the other perspective.  Here are some questions I considered before making my final analysis.

I wonder if placing this student in handcuffs was truly the best answer.  Was there another option not considered.  Was calling the parents out of the question?

What kind of psychological message does placing handcuffs on the student send?  Could this psychological message actually do mental damage to the student charged?  I am not aware of studies which have tracked this.  I will say though that when a person navigates unchartered waters; that person never knows where he/she will land.

Can a 6 year old child understand that he/she can be charged by the police with a misdemeanor?  Would it have mattered if this were a female student and a male principal?  I have a son who will turn 6 soon.  While he knows that kicking is wrong; he would have no clue about the police ramifications.

Final analysis:

When I was a teacher, there were cases where I placed my hands on students.  One story, in particular, was when another teacher took a boys basketball away from a 5th grader and the boy swung towards the ball and the teacher’s face to get the ball back.  I took the student and escorted him out of the building where I kept him until the principal came to take the child.  If the child had fallen and hurt himself, I could have been held liable.  While I realize a kindergartener is much younger; the risk is still the same.

I can’t honestly say I would have called the police in this principal’s circumstance.  But, I am a grown man.  Perhaps this lady is smaller than me and she doesn’t have the risk tolerance that I possess.  Couple this with the ramifications of a lawsuit and my decision is clear.  I am grudgingly on the principal’s side.  It does dishearten me though because there was a time when society was a bit different and problems like this could have easily been handled in house and with the cooperation of parents.

Next week, I will have another post.  Until then, follow me on Facebook at claytonpaulthomas and on Twitter @adad2trust.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/kindergartener-charged-battery-why-criminalizing-kids-175600847.html

The first thing that needs to be addressed is that there are two sides to the story.  The parents basically argued that they have a young baby and that the new routine is an adjustment.  The school would argue that tardiness is an important issue and students need to be at school on time. It’s also important to note that this is a district policy which was being enforced.  Let’s evaluate both sides starting with the parents.  I encourage any readers to comment at the bottom and tell me where I am misguided.

Possible Parents Point of View:  All parents have challenges.  In my case, I despise getting up at 6:10am in order to get my child up and ready for school (but I digress). This is a kindergarten child so there should be a bit of flexibility depending on how late the child showed up to school.  It was also stated the child was late for a couple of days.  Assuming I take this literally, two days of tardiness is not a lot.  Shouldn’t there be some potential leeway?  Couldn’t a conference with the parents happen before the punishment takes place?  Maybe after that point, a punishment could be more justified.  What if, for example, a parent hits unexpected traffic when going to school.  Should there be a detention assessed for that?

Schools Point of View:  It’s not uncommon for a school aged child to have a new sibling.  Certainly, it’s still important for these students to get to school on time. District policies are announced before the school year begins.  Parents need to understand that district policies are going to be enforced and that their child is not going to be the exception.  Since the policy was implemented, tardiness has gone down by 90% in the district.  In essence, learning time is maximized which is for the good of all students.  Schools have the charge of teaching a lot of material and every minute is critical.

Evaluation by your humble blogger:  As a former teacher, I understand that tardiness is an important issue which can be severe in certain places.  I found it interesting that lunch takes an entire hour.  I’ve never heard of a school which took an hour for lunch.  Therefore, I’m wondering if recess (or something else) is included.

The second thing that came to my mind is that the school is punishing a child for a parent’s actions.  Usually, a punishment is given to a child to teach a lesson to that child.   I wonder if the 6 year old punished really understood why she was being punished.  My thought is that I really doubt it- especially considering how long the punishment takes.

Therefore, is it all right for a school to punish a parent? Though my first thought is no, I would hate to see a policy banished which helped drop student tardiness by 90%.  I could get behind the district if the  punishment was a little less for a kindergartener.  For example, I could see taking a minute of recess for each minute the child was late.

What was really interesting though was that the father said that he was sorry and it wasn’t going to happen again.  That tells me that the policy worked.  Olympia Elementary School and the district certainly ruffled some feathers but sometimes that is what it takes for change to happen.    For more information on this article, click the link at the bottom of the page.

Thanks for stopping by.  If you are a fan of Facebook, stop by and see me at claytonpaulthomas.  Love using Twitter?  I can be found @adad2trust.  Best wishes to you and your family!

Link to the article:  http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/6-old-student-gets-detention-parents-her-164442506.html?vp=1

I have to admit that I have a hard time understanding the depths of evil which is what the attack in Boston represents.  Therefore, I knew that talking with my child would be difficult.  When working with children in general, I like to put things in their simplest form.  Therefore, how can I explain why any person or group would want to perpetrate such an act?  The answer was more simple than I anticipated.

First, I opened up the conversation by sticking to the facts.  I knew Cameron was going to hear about it at school so I wanted to him to hear the truth from me first.  We didn’t discuss at length the casualties or the types of injuries.  I also decided to keep the television off while discussing the details.  The story is bad enough without being sensationalized any further.  He knows that there were two bombs and one was close to the finish line.  It went off and a lot of people were significantly injured.

Next, I discussed with him the general concept of evil and that it has been present throughout time.  Evil is the only answer to the question of why something like this could happen.  It doesn’t make the horror yesterday any easier to handle but it is reality.  Our society is not even that far removed from the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting which was evil at its core in my mind. I think the reality is that we, as Americans, are going to have to get used to terror of various types more frequently on U.S. soil.  Despite my belief, I didn’t discuss my speculation with Cameron because it wouldn’t do anything to help explain the situation any clearer or assist the healing process.

Finally, Cameron and I talked about praying for the victims and their families.  Cameron and I only hope that any prayers we send will reach a family in need.

Next week, I will be back with another topic where I’ll probably ruffle some feathers.  My only advice for today is to give your child a longer hug than usual and appreciate the gift you truly have.  Feel free to check out and “like” my Facebook page at claytonpaulthomas.  I can also be found on twitter @adad2trust.  Best wishes to you and your family.

I live in the state of Kentucky.  As a Wildcats basketball fan, I am in an interesting position because our arch rival (Louisville Cardinals)  is playing tonight in the National Championship against the Michigan Wolverines.  When I was young, single and carefree, I would have had no problems cheering for Michigan loudly simply because I am not a Louisville fan.  Seeing the Cardinals lose would have brought me pleasure.  Now though I have to be cautious.  I have  a 9 year old who nearly worships my every move.  The messages I send can potentially last a long time.

Rivalries exist everywhere.  It could be Notre Dame/ Michigan,  Florida/Florida State, USC/UCLA.  There are too many to name but some people push these rivalries way too far.  The problem expands though when children are involved.

In most areas except sports, it’s really taboo to hate.  Think of what it was like for African Americans before the days of Martin Luther King.  It was acceptable to not like blacks and for white people to discriminate against them.  That attitude was certainly passed along to children.  I would say today there is still racism but it’s better than it’s ever been in our history and I only look for that to improve with future generations.  Why people ever hated blacks is beyond me as it will be to my children because this hate will not be taught or tolerated in my home.

Today, people who are gay are making this climb such as what black people experienced albeit in a different way.  The difference though is that some of the vitriol is based on the Bible which is something blacks didn’t have to experience.  Regardless, it’s becoming more taboo to make fun of someone gay.  Discrimination is completely illegal.  Though people may not approve of the life style, outright bigotry (even considering the gay marriage debate) is less tolerated.  (I know it can be easily found- especially in schools.  I’m only saying it’s better)  I have a feeling that with many of our children and grand children, the trend of toleration and acceptance towards gays will only continue.  This only happens though when enough parents enforce the toleration.  No matter what a person believes about the lifestyle- hopefully the hate will end.

The reason I bring up the blacks and gays are that there is/was a time they brought up strong emotions within people.  It took strong people and many years for hearts and minds to change.  So, the question is why on earth do we have to bring back this negative emotion of hate to any sports team and teach it to our children?  The only reason it seems is that it is accepted.

One answer to this problem may lie within the coaching fraternity.  Last year, the Kentucky Wildcats were in the same position to Louisville this year.  When Kentucky beat Louisville in the Final Four, Coach Rick Pitino made it very clear that he wanted Kentucky to win the National Championship despite the devastating defeat.  This was very noble.  Pitino also refrained from making any public derogatory comments about Kentucky this season due to the troubles that the basketball team had. Reporters tried to goad him into it but he never took the bait.  I guarantee you that some hearts and minds softened because of Pitino’s classy moves.

Sports are meant to be fun.  Cheer your hearts out the next time your team takes the field.  Boo the referees when they make a bad call.  But, remember that your children are watching so take it easy on the opponent!

Feel free to include your email in my Feedburner.  You can also check out my Facebook fan page at claytonpaulthomas.  Stay classy and I’ll write to you again next week.