ClevaWords

2011-12-23T08:09:00.001-05:00

2011-10-02T05:23:00.002-04:00

believe me.....u really don't know everything.

that's for those coming here to be nosy. seek and u will find....are u sure u want to find it?

lastly, go away.

Return of the scale

2011-09-20T07:44:00.003-04:00

When I started working at the Damien Center, I wanted to lose about 25lbs and now that number has risen to about 50lbs. The return of the scale has revealed that I've gain about 30lbs in the past year. I stopped working out and just worked, helped my daughter, and oh, did I say worked. Each year I've promised myself time for me and I've yet to do it. God has made a way. I have FREE training 3 times per week. I have an accountability partner in my daughter. I want it more than ever. I've been wearing these layers. We're taking them off finally with the biggest weight loss challenge I've every had to face since after having my daughter. I was focused and this will take focus. I have to come before work and even others.

Its so early in this process. Lost 2lbs. More to go. I'm ready. again.

2011-09-15T01:37:00.001-04:00

God protects fools and babies.....you know that saying. I'm convinced its so very true.

I have to believe in Divine justice though. God takes care of all situations in time. I do have to remember that all things in the dark do come to the light especially if the truth has not been fully revealed. I'm seeing that some things are still in the dark. Light will come. God has to protect the heart of the fool and of the foolish perpetrator. Yeah....today...I don't have much of a forgiving, loving heart. AT all.

sexob

2011-09-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

I will never, ever, never, ever live in a box.

again.

If I can't be appreciated, celebrated, loved, and befriended with honestly and openly....with no conditions and controls.....then I can't be....for you.

I'm a good friend. I'm a good person. I deserve good things from good people who really want to celebrate whatever connection I have with them....outside the box.

I'm free to be.

This is far from a Dre cd.......the detox

2011-09-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

Detoxing is actually letting go of something you love but causes harm in some way. We can detox from so many things including people. Its just like getting off any drug where you have to take it one day at a time. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying.

Never been a 12 stepper. I need more than sobriety. I need healing. I miss it....them....and I really do.

ramble bamble

2011-09-10T17:57:00.000-04:00

If you are insecure, look inward.

There are no scapegoats for the way you feel about yourself.

Grass is never greener. Don't compare grass.

Mow your lawn and tend to your field.

Intuition is different than paranoia. Know the difference.

Pray without ceasing. You can only know what you see and experience but there's more going on and in the works. All things, good and bad, work to strengthen you and make you better. Bad things are good. Change is good.

If you need love, look no further than to the One that dwell inside of you.

2011-09-09T08:03:00.002-04:00

still debating on a sleeve tattoo.

hmmm......

Look up and inward and heal.

2011-09-08T09:59:00.000-04:00

Look in the mirror. Decide. Where are you in your life? Who are you? Where are you? Why are you making the decisions you're making? Learn from your journey.

I am a spiritual being. Not many are nowadays but I believe in a God and I believe I have a direct connection to that Spiritual Being who provides me with wisdom. I believe though we must seek this wisdom. We must know that there is something greater than our circumstances. Change will come but there is a way to handle change with grace. God knows the end. We are to seek a way to that end and live our purpose. What is today may not be tomorrow. I've learned this through breakups, deaths, and losses but I survived. I'm here. I keep moving forward through all adversity and I'm learning more and more.....and more...I must pray. I must seek the spiritual to understand and move through the physical. I still walk primarily a Christian path but I know that there is more to Spirituality than what has been taught via the dogma that is Christianity. I've learned through reading about various religions that my approach to God can be varied. I'm a peace with this.

Today - there are things that I viewed a losses but they are gains because there is a trust in God that He/SHE knows the end and the end is GREAT. The end benefits those I love. I am patient. All things work together for good [Romans 8:28] so the end is good. I seek to do no harm but I am human. I make mistakes. My heart breaks every time I feel I maybe have done harm. And there are times I've met up with hypocrisy face to face. There are times when I've befriended it. I scream to the heavens of my sorrow. I seek to do no harm. I love hard and I pursue that love. Loving is good but I've learned it has its place and time. Let time has its way. Let God lead. Pray without ceasing.

God knows. Plays some music and heal.

Those hard lessons of life....learn them..so you can live.

2011-09-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

Learned a great lesson in friendship today.

Love them through it. Leave them to learn it. Watch them become it.

Its about the journey. God will provide a way, protection, and truth. We have to be open to accept responsibility, to accept truth, and to learn. We have to always pray, pray without ceasing.

We are each made for our own personal journeys through life. We can't follow the map for someone else but learn our own map for life and walk through it. Friendships develop out of honesty, love, and trust. Anytime anyone of those falters, the connection has changed. The need for that connection has changed. Even the desire for that connection has changed. Restoration comes from first understanding there has been a change, there was a need for it, and that a new connection has to be established to return again. This is with all levels of relationships -family, friendships, and love. To be restored, you have to be renewed. New eyes - scales removed to see the new day. We learn that God knows the inner needs of each of us and provides an opportunity to have a space to be free of worry, free of fear, and to embrace love. Sometimes that space comes in familiar packages, sometimes its brand new.

I've learned today there is nothing wrong with love. Nothing. I have no shame. I have no anger. I am pleased with my spirit. I'm pleased with my love. I'm pleased with what God is doing with my spirit in the mist of a trial. Gratitude pours from my soul. Thank you for all understanding. Thank you for a lesson learned. Thank you for paying attention to my life and my concerns. Thank you for holding true to your promises (Genesis 15:1). Thank you for simply saying - pray [meaning you want to talk with me]. You want to hear my voice in the heavens. You want a relationship with me. Thank you, God. I love you and I love those you've put into my life for various seasons. I pray for my friends who are my family. I pray for honesty that comes from their souls and speaks to the heavens. I pray for their safety. I pray for their spiritual strength to fight the demons that come their way. I pray for their freedom.

I embrace me. I'm thankful for my friendships. I'm grateful for the love I have for my friendships. I'm ok with all things in my life at this moment. God, I love you and thank you. To God be the Glory in all things.

Its not here what you seek.

2011-09-06T16:02:00.002-04:00

What is the truth? Where do you find it? Where do you look?

What are you really looking for? Honesty. Truth. What?

What is driving you to seek? Intuition? Hunger? Loss? Fear?

The biggest part of this.....is to start in the right place.

Start with Prayer.

Psalm 34

2011-09-06T12:47:00.001-04:00

¹I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.    ²My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad.
    ³O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.
    ⁴I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
    ⁵They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.
    ⁶This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.
    ⁷^[a]The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe] and each of them He delivers.
    ⁸O taste and see that the Lord [our God] is good! Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who trusts and takes refuge in Him.
    ⁹O fear the Lord, you His saints [revere and worship Him]! For there is no want to those who truly revere and worship Him with godly fear.
    ¹⁰The young lions lack food and suffer hunger, but they who seek (inquire of and require) the Lord [by right of their need and on the authority of His Word], none of them shall lack any beneficial thing.
    ¹¹Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you to revere and worshipfully fear the Lord.
    ¹²What man is he who desires life and longs for many days, that he may see good?
    ¹³Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit.
    ¹⁴Depart from evil and do good; seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!
    ¹⁵The eyes of the Lord are toward the [uncompromisingly] righteous and His ears are open to their cry.
    ¹⁶The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.
    ¹⁷When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
    ¹⁸The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
    ¹⁹Many evils confront the [consistently] righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
    ²⁰He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
    ²¹Evil shall cause the death of the wicked; and they who hate the just and righteous shall be held guilty and shall be condemned.
    ²²The Lord redeems the lives of His servants, and none of those who take refuge and trust in Him shall be condemned or held guilty.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+34&version=AMP

Hello....what brings you...here?

2011-09-06T08:58:00.003-04:00

disappear....

2011-09-06T08:50:00.000-04:00

Biological....wha?

2011-09-05T09:53:00.000-04:00

The concept of "family" has changed for me. Family isn't only the people who are a part of a bloodline but whothose love you unconditionally, who are in your corner, and who want the best for you. Can this be your so-called blood? Of course it can. I have great family members but I also know that "family" can destroy your soul. I've learned to talk in terms of supportive systems, love circles, and family that reaches outside of blood and obligation. I love my Family which is made of sister friends who love me wholeheartedly and embrace me entirely. I can't say that for some who are called family by blood.

We all need FAMILY and some of us have family by design and not by birth. Celebrate those who God has brought into your life to love on you and let them.

confused.

2011-09-03T00:14:00.001-04:00

I have to really think about how I've allowed myself to be used so badly by someone for YEARS. I know I was being used...NOW. I didn't before. I thought I was cool with this person who really didn't celebrate our friendship but kept it in a box and secretive because of their own messes. I allowed it. I loved this person wholeheartedly. I thought we'd have a great, long lasting friendship. I pleaded with this person to stop treating our friendship as some hidden thing. We shouldn't have been that. We were just really cool. There was some attraction but I really LONGED for the cool friendship. Never happened. I stayed in a box and now I know, I was never really the friend but just a....hell, I don't know. The love I was feeling now....turning into resentment and hatred really. I've really been treated unfairly in some way and I played myself out badly. I allowed it. I'm sad about it.

Now, I have to deal with my negative energy. There are moments when I want some sort of revenge. I don't want happiness to find her way unto their life. I think they are getting away with alot, they get to renew love at my expense. I will do nothing and say nothing. Today, these are my feelings and I recognize that I could feel differently tomorrow. I cherished this person. They discarded me to save themselves. I pray that hatred doesn't find its way into my heart. I'm so sad though. I've been struggling for years with trust and here I go ago. I have to look into the mirror and figure it out.

Nice has limits....

2011-08-28T13:27:00.000-04:00

I've helped out a few folks who have taken advantage of the helping hand.

I've experienced straight out disrespect and manipulation. The amazing thing there's the expectation that you will continue to be nice and to give and engage them. That's what you'd call foolish behavior. At some point you'd have to say no more, not every again, move on. The interesting thing is how I become the bad guy. :/ Saying no is my right especially if you've caused harm to me and mine in some way.

Others maybe able to deal with it. I can't.

Bulimia trying to have its way

2011-08-13T17:45:00.000-04:00

After a long week, full of ups and downs, I see my old friend....or fiend I should say, trying to have its way. Its always been a way of coping, of finding control. It tries to be involved and to have a say. It changes the way I see myself in the mirror. It wants to take my attention away and focus on negativity. My old friend....oh I mean fiend Bulimia wants to come home.

Today....I looked in the mirror and saw every place where I see fat making a new home, more comfortable than ever. I see no beauty. I see nothing of God. Oh...wait...that's not me. That's my old friend....[clears throat] fiend Bulimia. She knows I've been working on new friendships like security, trust, and hope. She's jealous. She's wants back in. She knows I'm finding acceptance with the body I have today so that I can appreciate the body I'll have tomorrow. Bulimia is a trickster but she is a quick fix....like a quick hit on a crack pipe. I know I've gained weight. I know I'm stressed about a multitude of things but today, I choose to cope differently. I choose not to harm myself. I choose not to believe the twisted thoughts which tell me I'm unworthy, that I'm not beautiful. I choose to celebrate me no matter what. I choose to love me regardless of who stays by my side or who walks away.

Bulimia - we broke up. Our friendship is over. You can't stay here anymore. Go away. You Fiend.

hmmmm :/

2011-07-28T08:05:00.002-04:00

Sub-blogging.

2011-07-19T23:14:00.000-04:00

Fucked up....complicated mindset
confusion of love and love and love

how blessed to be overly loved? God gives you LOVE....dripping and pouring and falling out of every way.....and yet there is confusion?

walk away then and do no harm. the excess love needs to remain behind. can't go with you.

as soon as the words were said, the test was given and you failed me. I looked for the simplest concern for me. none was given. you deserve none in return. Give. Stop taking.

Fool of me [Part.....damn]

2011-07-12T06:13:00.002-04:00

I just got hit with it.
I just saw it.
Bullshit flung my way.
Steady as she goes.
I saw it. I felt it. I hate it.
SELFISH.
Save yourself.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
[calculator please]
Add another one
another selfish muthafucka
[smirk]
I walk now. I walk far away now.
I saw it. Just as a vision.
Bullshit me. You lack. You lie. You want. You need.
[plus sign, equal sign]
All things come to the light.
Who picks up the flashlight?
Just saw it. Ignorance rests its head in bliss so it can’t see that its ignorant.
God heals. He will finish this.
~~pihsdneirf~~
[and scene]

Some corny ass shit but so what....

2011-07-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

I imagine a partner in crime. I don't think in terms of power couple but a couple of power minds....melding. I have my purpose. You have yours. I take time to help you develop, process, your vision. You keep me balanced so I can complete mine. Two visions, one legacy. My love takes care of all things me. He is proud to stay in the shadow as I cast a light. His passion is the fuel to his talent. I'm the hype (wo)man, letting the world know, He is here, He is ready.

God has touched is heart with a road map to giving the us all love through.....everything he does. Super heroes. Unmatched in passion, purpose...and love.

Some corny ass shit but so what....

The Green Cup

2011-07-09T21:30:00.000-04:00

All of my life my mom was a serious Coke drinker. She could easily beat that stupid ~~Pepsi~~ challenge. If she came to your home, even for a short visit, she would have two things with her: a liter of Coke and her green cup.

This Green Cup was the holy grail to us kids. For some reason, didn't taste the same unless we took a sip out of it. It was grimy. Without shame, mom washed the cup probably only once per week. She said it was her cup and that she had to let the Coke set in it. And we didn't care. From my generation to the next, we felt it was an honor when mom, Grandest, or Aunt Charlotte would say, "Go fill up my cup!" All that meant was - WE DRINKING SOME COKE FROM THE CUP.

ignore the lack of dusting. :/

Mom knew. She would joke and say, "You didn't drink any did you?" Every kid would swear they didn't but we all new - we couldn't resist. So where is the infamous Green Cup today? It sits next to my mom's pic on my bookshelf. It hasn't been washed sense she last washed it. It is a reminder of my mom and her fun way of living her life. My spirit longs for the day I can just see her smile again. There is no one who as ever loved me more than my mom.

I can look at the cup....and just giggle. Love live the Green Cup. :)

Welcome to my humanity

2011-07-08T20:50:00.001-04:00

My heart. I have so many writings and blogs start with just those words. Its the most guarded place of my soul. Its is my sensitive spot, my Achilles heel. My mother said its a curse and warned me that the Owens women loved hard and I'm truly cut from that cloth. I have both fear and a longing for love but I've been trapped in my mind, I think. I've had some very hurtful and damaging relationships with infidelity being the main issue. Rejection fills my heart. [sucks]

I fear being hurt again. I give so much of me in a relationship. I'm a partner. I'm present. I'm the buddy. I'm the lover. I get hurt. Oddly enough, I've had apologies from every man that has hurt me. All have said that I was so present for them and they didn't know what to do. Its not that I'm unforgiving but....so what? The apologies are for them. I've had to forgive without having the apologies so they come bittersweet at times. With each apology, I get the question - "Are you married yet?" When I say, no, they seem to be utterly surprised.[annoyed] Why am I single? I don't know but maybe I am still very fearful.

Being the single me is easy for right now. I don't have to deal with rejection. This is really a revelation made only recently. I never thought I had this concern....I guess....until the past few months. With all of the infidelity in my last long relationship, its scarred me. I'm building myself back up. This wasn't me. This wasn't me. This wasn't me. I swear. That was a horrible hurt that happened over and over. That fear is real. It changed me. It changed the way I thought about myself. It made me focus more on my work and less on me. It made me question any man's genuine admiration for me. It split my soul. I became damaged goods....in my eyes.

I'm still wearing the layers. My weight is here to conceal myself from "them". [alien men] I came to that conclusion last year. My Thought: If you don't like the outer layer, you won't be bothered and I'm saved again. I didn't bet on some men being attracted to me as is. [bulimia enters from the left] My head games were very trippy. After prayer and I mean lots of prayer, I know that I have to love THIS body before I can succeed at any weight loss. I know I have to find this face beautiful. I know I have to really LOVE all of me again. I'm definitely on the comeback. I know this. I feel this. I be this. So what about that fear.....its still there. I can't lie. I know I haven't met an AVAILABLE, capable man either so my singlehood isn't just me being a scary cat. I'm loving and I deserve love. I want to be in a healthy place to give it though. I don't know if I'm a 100% there. When you've had someone really batter your psyche, your heart, and your spirit, its a hard journey back. I didn't have anyone there to pick up the pieces. I've been picking them up myself.

I miss companionship. I miss intimate conversations. I miss that KNOWING you are loved. This isn't loneliness though but just remembering what Love felt like when it was real. God will provide the Love of my life when we both can give 100%. I pray for him. I really do. I have for a couple of years.

FEAR. I'm winning. I know it. Rhonda. Rhonnybay. Cleva. Mom. Rhon. Or whatever you want to call me....I'm human. I fight for my humanity because it allows a space for me to BE human. I bleed. Welcome to my humanity.

A silent scream

2011-07-07T03:26:00.000-04:00

I had a good day. I had a bad day. The bad part of the really shook my spirit and I couldn't really process it the way I wanted to and needed to do. I needed an ear of someone uninvolved, of someone who cares enough just to let off steam, and someone who can calm my spirit.

I'm really only going to say how I felt but not the situation. I've never been so disrespected by someone I've done so much for. That disrespect even sadden some of my staff members. I don't want to hurt anyone for any reason. I try my best to really help any way I can but I know that comes with a price at times. I guess, I'm feeling unappreciated as well. I think many times I walk around silent because "strength" is the armor I'm suppose to wear 24/7. When I'm upset, I feel badly for feeling upset. I'm not a robot.

Today, I could have physical hurt another person. I was that upset. I could have unleashed all of the 'secrets' I know and could have destroyed this person in one easy step. Instead, I paced. I tried to stay busy and I worked my ass off. I don't have the person to come home to and unleash all of my feelings. Many days....its bottled up. I call my girlfriend and dump but I don't want to do that...yanno.

[pout]

Tomorrow will be better. Fuck all the typos...whatever its 3:26am.