the clumsy ninja

Moving day

2010-06-18T12:53:00.002-05:00

I've been debating about this for a long time, and I've finally taken the plunge for good (maybe). I'm transferring to a new blog at Tumblr. I've said this before, but this time I mean it.

This project has had a good run, I guess. Nothing against Blogger. Hell, ever since the merge with Google it's only gotten awesomer and awesomer (yes, awesomer). I stuck it out longer than I thought I would. Master blog abandoner, remember?

The thing is, when I first started this thing, I was dating that one guy who became Mr. X, remember? And I was completely miserable for all those 364 days that we were together. And I couldn't even be honest about that on here because he was a reader (well, he probably had someone else read it to him, as I have my doubts that he even knows how to read--all the evidence indicated otherwise). That was back in 2007. I'm not the same person I was in 2007. I'm definitely much cooler now (which still isn't saying much). Capt. Awesome is rubbing off on me. And because of him, I have a bank of really awesome memories and really funny stories and things to never forget. But a lot of the older posts on here remind me of things that I don't want to remember. It's terribly cliche, I know.

I just want a fresh start with something. It'll just be the same old inane bitching, sure. But just a change of scenery will be nice, no?

So things are still a little rough, but you're welcome to join me at my new place.

disdainanddismay.tumblr.com

You're going to now, aren't you?

2010-06-14T22:32:00.003-05:00

"AAAHH!"

I heard Holly scream so I ran to see what was going down. I figured she saw a spider. Or some masked crazie had climbed in through the window and was about to get down to business with his chainsaw. Or maybe good ol' Dad just left the bathroom door open again.

Close.

She was sitting in front of her laptop, shielding her eyes. When she noticed me, she merely said, "Never Google 'poop.'"

I shouldn't have a license

2010-06-14T11:25:00.005-05:00

Show of hands... How many of you have ever hit an object with your vehicle?

I think I have some kind of record for hitting stationary, inanimate objects.

1 house
2 parked cars
1 tree
1 ditch/hillside
1 building

Edit: Forgot one. 1 dog kennel

Can anyone top that and raise my automotive self-esteem?

I hear they're quite tasty on candy apples

2010-06-14T10:50:00.002-05:00

So much for this illustrating job being a creative outlet. I wish I wasn't sworn to secrecy under a confidentiality contract so I tell you just how stupid all this shit sounds.

If this book even gets published (or FSM forbid, sells even one copy) I will eat a worm*. You have my word on that.

*One mealworm, deep-fried. Because I've kind of always wanted to try it anyway, and now I have a good excuse. (As if one even needs an excuse to eat a worm. Just ask any four-year-old.)

*'Cause mine ain't cheap

2010-06-04T10:43:00.003-05:00

An interesting summer job just fell in my lap... Had an interview yesterday afternoon, and now it seems that I'm going to be illustrating a book. A how-to book on managing finances. For spiritual, emotional, and mental well-being. Hmmm....

It's like Dave Ramsey meets Sean Covey meets a roomful of televangelists.

Yes, I'm selling my soul, but at least the pay will be good.*

For lack of a better description, OMFG

2010-06-03T12:44:00.003-05:00

My stepdad has Crohn's Disease and I am the lucky one whose bedroom is adjacent to the bathroom. So, on a typical night, I'm awoken at least four times by a symphony of gastrointestinal distress. He's a pretty hefty fellow (even with all the weight loss that comes with Crohn's, so I have to wonder who's really eating all the Oreos) so when he gets out of bed and lumbers down the hall toward the bathroom, the whole ~~house~~ ~~mobile home~~ trailer shakes on its rickety cinder block foundations. He also tends to grunt a lot. The bathroom door creaks open, the light comes on, and unfortunately for me and my unlucky proximity, the show begins. Lights, camera, action.

Only sometimes it doesn't play out like that. Sometimes I can hear him lumbering down the hall and navigating his fat ass into the tiny bathroom, and then... Nothing. Ten minutes later, he lumbers back down the hallway and returns to bed, no thunderstorm, no flushing, nothing. Last night, I caught myself wondering what he was doing when my naive innocence (ha) switch was suddenly flicked off. Comprehension of the worst kind set in, and I suddenly knew what was happening, but wished I didn't.

Even as a child, I knew my parents probably had a sex life. After all, I have two younger sisters. But I never dwelled on it. My brain kept those understandings at a distance. I wasn't prepared to have that ton of bricks dropped on me so unexpectedly last night. Shit.

I'm still disgusted, so I figured it was my solemn duty to pass on the discomfort. Misery loves company.

Amen

2010-05-03T16:33:00.002-05:00

“Last week I gave a fire safety talk, and nobody paid any attention. It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring."

Dwight Schrute, The Office

Also,

“Power corrupts, PowerPoint corrupts absolutely.”

I really hate PowerPoint.

Adieu

2010-04-30T17:14:00.002-05:00

Today was my last day of student teaching. Before I started, I absolutely dreaded it. And being in first grade was like being pecked to death by chickens, but I still cried when I left. I don't know what to do with myself since I won't be getting up early Monday morning to go to school.

Who knew I'd be so easily converted?

Awesome aside: The kids were all sad about me leaving too and came up with this hilarious scheme to jump me with a giant group hug instead of lining up like they were supposed to do. It turned into a dogpile instead because I am NOT big enough to support 14 well-fed kids jumping on me all at once, so we promptly fell over like dominoes.

Polyamory

2010-04-27T19:48:00.002-05:00

Capt. Awesome has competition. I had to observe in kindergarten today for a couple of hours and this adorably scrawny kid with glasses took a fancy to me. And now I'm engaged.

"I like your glasses. You're cool."

"Aw, thanks, bud!"

"You're cute!" he exclaimed before turning his face away to hide shyly.

I, as so often happens around children, was speechless.

"Who do you live with?" he asked later.

"Um..."

"What's you husband's name?"

"I don't have a husband."

"Good. So now you're my girlfriend then."

Looks like I'm moving to Utah. (Ha ha ha... Utah.)

Yeah, I'm actually admiring a wedding... WTF?

2010-04-24T15:59:00.007-05:00

So I don't see myself marrying. I can't even imagine ever being a bride in a wedding or actually giving a damn about choosing the perfect ridiculous white dress.* The whole thing is just... Foreign. But I think if I ever did have to have a wedding (though I can't imagine why I would) it would be like this:

Isn't that nifty?

Via...

*Those wedding dress shows (where a bride debates and puzzles over dozens of designer dresses amid lots of drama and tears) always confound me. I must have missed out on a crucial how-to-be-a-proper-girl lesson at some point because all those dresses look identical to me, and I can never understand what's so important about a dress that will only be worn for an hour.

Might as well be my secret

2010-04-12T18:35:00.002-05:00

PostSecret.

I firmly believe that 13 of our 14 first graders are the result of bad parenting. Of course, I doubt I could do any better. But then again, that's why I'm never having children.

Worst thing ever

2010-04-05T17:38:00.003-05:00

"Faith," covered by Limp Bizkit. Yeah. This is even worse than what American Idol contestants do to music. I'd somehow missed hearing this until just now. I wish I could have taken my ignorance to the grave. Song completely murdered. With a blunt axe.

Alternately, this is awesome.

USMC

2010-04-04T20:54:00.006-05:00

PostSecret.

Aw.

By the way

2010-04-01T09:00:00.002-05:00

I'm supposed to be selling myself and dropping resumes at random schools. But I'm not.

*Yet

2010-04-01T08:55:00.001-05:00

I'm not dead.*

Though I do feel as though someone has activated my self-destruct sequence. Just like a mother octopus but probably more amusing to watch. Know what I mean?

Either way, it's time for an intervention

2010-03-14T11:26:00.002-05:00

I'm amazed at how many people actually think "theirself" and "theirselves" are words. Especially considering most of the culprits I know are only about two months away from earning endorsements in English. WTF?

Is this a widespread epidemic or just a southern thing?

I guess they don't use owls anymore

2010-03-03T19:25:00.001-06:00

I've been accepted to study abroad at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Seriously. I got an email from my college.

Well at least they're clean

2010-02-21T18:48:00.002-06:00

Right after Holly and I went to get groceries today, we stopped by the carwash. I drive a pick-up, all $109 worth of groceries were in the back, and we didn't remember until halfway through the clear-coat cycle.

A good thrashing

2010-02-13T09:03:00.003-06:00

Student teaching in first grade has made me a huge fan of the code of Hammurabi. Or at least corporal punishment. (Unfortunately, this particular school district has abolished that practice altogether. Though I'd bet the sum of money mentioned below that within a couple of years this district will resume paddling. It may not even take that long, given the current state of chaos.)

Side note:

Because of a contract I stupidly signed for one of my scholarships, I must teach for three years within the state of Mississippi (and I must have a position within nine months of graduating) to avoid owing my school a very large sum of money. If first grade (or FSM forbid, kindergarten) is all I can find, it would be well worth paying the nine grand just for the peace of mind that I won't have to tie any more shoelaces or hear "Ms. Kristen, she cut in line!" in those annoying, whiny little voices. And I will also avoid working in districts that don't paddle.

In fact, I'm really hoping someone gifts me one of those mythical electric paddles driven full of nails that, as fourth graders, my class was so convinced our principal used. Yes, electric.

Best line in a book, ever:

2010-01-30T00:26:00.003-06:00

"Just don't ever try to rob a hot dog man again."

Thanks to Capt. Awesome, I'm finally reading A Confederacy of Dunces. I just wish I had more time to finish it. I love to hate Ignatius J. Reilly. He's the perfect amalgam of everyone I despise.

The one sorta kinda okay thing about the holidays

2010-01-02T22:20:00.004-06:00

Christmas lights.

I have a 12 inch dick

2010-01-01T15:00:00.005-06:00

Actually, it's a little longer than 12 inches. And I'm not just bragging. See for yourself.

Like the penis cake I made for my friend's lingerie shower/bachelorette party? Not bad for only the second real cake I've ever made, no? I just wish I'd had the proper tools to make it cream-filled.

Scrooge

2009-12-22T23:01:00.002-06:00

By Saturday night, I will have attended at least 6 separate Christmas gatherings. I really hate Christmas.

And normally I don't say this because I'm so cold-hearted and emotionless about these things, but Christmas really makes me hate divorce. Not because of all the broken families and tears but because it multiplies the number of Christmas functions I have to attend. Fuck!

It's just this horrible never-ending cycle of family feuds and guilt trip gifts. And really awful food.

Next year, I'm celebrating Festivus.

Y'all

2009-12-22T22:36:00.006-06:00

I just got back from a trucker Christmas party. Half the people there were dressed in camo, we ate barbecue, the guest list consisted mostly of people with names like Cornbread, Leadfoot, Gas Cap, Cotton, Rooster, Cat-napper, and Radar*, and everyone at my table stayed in a deep discussion about the best CB radio models currently on the market**.

It surpassed all of my previous experiences with redneck gatherings.

*Those are all real names that I heard tonight, just for the record. I didn't make any of them up. "Cotton" is actually my stepdad's handle. They get really serious about their pseudonyms 'round those parts.

**You definitely want to go with the Cobra 29 series, from what I heard tonight.

Go ahead...

2009-12-20T14:54:00.003-06:00

An old lady told me she loved my shoes and asked me where I got them. Damnit! They must be uglier than I thought.

But they're really comfortable. And they were perfect for chasing after misbehaving fifth graders and/or showing off my mad jump-roping skills on the playground.*

*I just ignored the disapproving stares from the other teachers. (They can go suck it.)