Wednesday, March 10th – yes I really am that crap at getting content out – and I am sat at home working. Suddenly there is an rustle and a bang at the back door and the dog – https://www.instagram.com/bandit_and_the_piggies/ – goes mental. I get up and check, all the while conscious this could be the start of the Zombie Apocalypse.

2nd post has arrived. A weighty parcel for me. What have I ordered? Am I going to get told off for this? To my genuine surprise it is a parcel from a dear ex-colleague and friend Faye.

So after taking some time to compose myself and show my wife how “truly inspirational” I am I explored further

At this stage I feel I need to explain a few things. Firstly, I am an honest, constructive critic. Faye knows this and I have tasted Faye’s baking – wedding cake tests etc. – before in the Epiphany / Jaywing offices and provided honest feedback. Secondly, I love da pudding and have zero self control. This probably isn’t great for reviewing brownies as you could argue that eating all 6 back to back might affect my flavour palette. Thirdly, this should probably have been a bullet pointed list.

On to the reviewing

I’m a lover of the classics when it comes to food and haven’t really ever been able to get in to blondies before so I figured I would start with…

The Classic Blondie

We are off to a solid start with this one. The base and top had an excellent crunch while the internals were a nice resistant sponge consistency. The taste was great and I immediately wished I had taken the time to test heating them up with ice-cream.

The Biscoff Blondie

The Biscoff blondie was good but a little dry. I like Biscoff biscuits but have never really enjoyed the taste with anything other than good coffee but I am sure that if you really enjoy Biscoff this would be right up your alley. It just wasn’t for me. Nice but not for me. In fact reflecting back I should have tried this with coffee.

The Chocolate Orange

OK, now we are in to the good sheeeeeet! CHOCOLATE. This was great. Moist without being silly moist – I am looking at you weird vegan brownie that my wife makes – with a good base and top crumble and a nice balance of chocolate and orange which can go horrendously wrong if not balanced. I know Faye will have trialled all of her recipes numerous times and it shows here.

The Oreo Brownie

Hmm, I think this one was wasted on my to be honest. I am not a big fan of Orea biscuits and a large amount of the brownie was chunks of Orea biscuit. Noah would have liked this one had he not been allergic to dairy and loads of other stuff – remind me to ask Faye if she does diary / gluten etc. free. I wonder if there is a way of almost separating biscuit, middle goo and brownie making the Oreo infusion a bit more random and less obvious.

The Caramel Brownie

A corker. Loved it. I had eaten 4 other brownies at this stage and this one was out the park. I was a nice honest homemade brownie with just enough difference to stand out. Nothing showy, just flavour all the way.

The 3X TRIPLE CHOCOLATE

In a rare moment of restraint I actually left this one till the following day having already eaten 5 brownies in a 24 hour period. This is the one I really wish I had paired with heat and some posh vanilla ice-cream. It was genuinely perfection in a brownie. Even just looking at the image now is making my salivate. I want to eat this brownie again! I will eat this brownie again! I just opened https://www.facebook.com/whatfayebaked/ in another browser tab to remind me.

Don’t get me wrong I do like variety and completely get the need to have a broad range to cater for all tastes and allow for experimentation. I however will be the weirdo that orders these in bulk in the same way I order from Lisa at The Yummy Yank.

To Conclude…

I feel like a right ponce reading this back lording it over people who have been kind enough to send me free things to eat but I know Faye won’t see it that way. Faye is a genuinely lovely person who has set up What Faye Baked from her own home during lockdown. She has been baking for a long time and it shows in the quality.

I would definitely recommend What Faye Baked for brownies (18 for £15 is crazy value) and if you check out her Facebook you can see she also does bloody spectacular custom cakes, cupcakes, cookies and I know she would have a crack at anything if you asked her.

18 brownies for £15, Jesus…. If you do order some having read this review – and you totally should – please let her know Malc sent you. It will mean nothing, no discount etc. but if it means she cuts our next batch of triple chocolates 2mm wider then we are all winners.

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/whatfayebaked/

Insta – https://www.instagram.com/what_faye_baked/https://www.instagram.com/what_faye_baked/

Email – whatfayebaked@ “the one that comes between fmail.com and hmail.com”

Can you guess what I am doing once I have pressed publish…….

On one such occasion – a fortnight ago – I had the privilege of meeting Lisa – aka The Yummy Yank – and her husband Ian, and we started talking about one of my all time favourite subjects, cakes.

The Yummy Yank brings authentic American desserts to the UK, baking such classics as rich chocolate brownies, our own All American Bars, luscious carrot cake and our amazing cake/cheesecake combinations that tower above the rest.

I stole this from the website as it explains it in clean English. But… it doesn’t really do it justice. You see, Lisa is a perfectionist to the point that baking is her true passion. Both she – the visionary baker and creator – and Ian – the muscle, organiser and accountant – are amazing people to talk to and so knowledgeable. The desserts that she creates are nothing short of amazing and anyone who knows me knows I am a harsh critique of baking.

I know this because – as anyone who knows me also knows – I am impulsive, so after a 20 minute chat with Lisa I went on the site and purchased a mixed box of 6 brownies. Let’s dig in.

First up, the Dairy & Gluten Free Heaven Sent. This one was selected for my wife, who we recently discovered is both diary and egg intolerant. Now I could use loads of flamboyant vocabulary to describe the particular brownie but I will simply quote my wife.

If only all dairy free food could be this good. I would be really fat!

F.Slade (2020)

You would honestly not guess this brownie was free of anything. It tasted amazing, the texture as fantastic and it ticked every brownie box. Truth be told I purchased every remaining Dairy & Gluten Free Heaven Sent shortly after as a gift for my wife as food isn’t exactly fun for her at the minute and they freeze for up to 6 months.

Next up – solely for Noah and I – was the standard Heaven Sent brownie. This is the perfect classic brownie. No offence to the diary free variety but this blows it’s socks off. Perfect texture, perfect density, perfect visual, perfect taste. It warms up beautifully and cuts really well with vanilla ice-cream.

Next up – a slight twist on a classic – the Peanut Butter Brownie. This bad boy has won awards and it is easy to see, smell and taste why. Had I still been hitting the gym hard, this would be the brownie for me. It is the perfect combination of peanut and chocolate on par with the legendary peanut chocolate protein balls you get in the Gymshark staff cafe.

Now things start to get a little crazy. Next up is the All American Bar. This bad boy is basically – from bottom to top – cookie dough, peanut butter cups, Oreo and brownie. I know what you are thinking – mental – but hold some of that back because we are at the foot of the mountain here. I honestly don’t know how you even go about creating something like this in a way that works so well. All the flavours and textures come through and All American Bar just fits it so well.

On the homeward stretch now and I feel I must say that Noah and I sampled all of these. Had we have eaten them all that night – which we pondered doing – we might have struggled the following day like when I dropped 20 creme eggs in 20 minutes. That would be bad parenting!

So next is the New Yorker. I was expecting coffee for some reason but it is actually a Heaven Sent laced and topped with peanut butter pretzels and hand made caramel. My god! I actually just finished it off today which is a true testament to how much I have changed as I didn’t ram it all in my face as soon as I sampled it. It really is that good!

Right, the last one. Prepare yourselves. Take yourself back to when you first read about how Willy Wonka had created a chewing gum that was a meal. Welcome to The Drunken Pig in The Mud!

Our classic brownie laced with sea salted caramel, soya bacon bits and whiskey. Topped with more of the same plus pecans!

How the hell does someone even come up with something like this. I know, lets add bacon. Hmm needs a bit more whisky. Mental, but my god does it work bloody well. You get this weird salty explosion that cuts so well with the rich chocolate and subtle whisky flavours. Noah and I went through this one like nobodies business. We even licked the fork and plate clean. This – coming from a massive dessert eater – is a sharer. I honestly don’t think the human brain is up for eating a whole one of these in a solo siting.

And that’s 6. 6 of the finest brownies I have ever eaten. No duffers. None were even similar. If I had to pick a favourite I would say the classic Heaven Sent is everything you want from a brownie and super versatile but you have to try the Drunken Pig and the New Yorker and ……

Reading this back, it might come across as sponsored. It isn’t, I met Lisa, we chatted, I ordered – we even live discussed the checkout process – and I thoroughly enjoyed eating them. I currently have 4 more to try later and will probably hit the cheesecakes when able so look out for reviews of this coming soon. They aren’t cheap but they are 100% value for money. A lot of love has gone in to each one and I can’t wait to see what Lisa and Ian come up with next.

Head on over to The Yummy Yank website and treat yourselves. You earn’t it!

I was and remain comfortable with being around drunk people and complete get why people drink. I don’t go out of my way to push the benefits of not drinking on people and – due to being a tad introverted – not drinking hasn’t really changed my social life.

For me it was all about my mental health.

There, I said it. Hi I am Malcolm and I have mental health issues. I’m not ashamed about it, I will happily talk about it and I find being transparent about it actually greatly improves my control over it.

This post isn’t about my mental health, feel free to ask me about that if you ever see me out or want to chat. More than happy to tell you my experiences of anxiety, depression etc. and listen to yours if it help. That’s what I do, I help!.

Anyhow, back to the subject of not drinking. I found that the combination of medication and alcohol didn’t work for me. I would get all weird on a night out and the hangovers where an absolute biatch. Everyone over the age of 35 has experienced the devastating hangovers that come purely due to age. And being a parent and you amplify things further. Add anxiety and a hyperactive mind to the mix and let’s just say weekends with Malcolm were not fun.

So I quit. I sometimes sample other people’s drink to experience the taste – with permission since I stopped drinking – I will happily taste a small drop of a whisky I am buying as a gift and I don’t actively avoid alcohol as an ingredient of baking etc.

Do I feel better for it? Hell yeah I do. I get more done, I feel better in myself and I am a better friend, dad and husband. It works for me.

OMG I have just about recovered from what could possibly be one of the best weekends of my life. Yes I should probably be dead but Jebus it was fun. So, let me take you back to March 4th 2011…

I had lots of ideas for a title for this post which I have listed here to give you some insight into the contents.

• 20 Creme Eggs Wont Kill You!
• Think Vis / Drink Vis 2011
• My Birthday Weekend. The Best in 20 Years.
• What to do when your bosses try to kill you.

It begins!!!! The day started like any other. Fiona (my wife) dropped me off at Woodhouse Lane and I walked across town to work. At Epiphany Solutions we have a bit of a tradition of buying things to celebrate our birthdays. Most people do cake but as all of you should know, I am not most people. I went to Sainsbury’s and purchased 60 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

So I got to work and sent out a company wide email to offer everyone a Creme Egg on me. I then got on with my day which included a 4 hour client meeting. After returning to my desk I noticed there were still 20 Creme Eggs left so I sent out a follow up email letting people have seconds.

For a minute let us step back 2 years to my first ever meeting with Mr Robert Shaw (My MD). We talked shop etc. but eventually got on to the subject of Creme Eggs. I said something like “I reckon I could do 12 in 1 go” to which Rob replied something like “I did 14 once”. Since then Rob and I have often joked about a Creme Egg off.

So somebody had told Rob there were 20 eggs left and he came down with the aim of have a bit of a mini egg off. By the time he got to my desk we were down to 9 which we agreed wasn’t enough to break a sweat. Enter Shane Quigley. Shane is another of my Directors and a good friend (as is Rob). Shane likes to facilitate crazy things, he wont be offended that I have said that because frankly it is true Shane formalised our (Rob and my) little challenge and sent James Dawson (who was also interested in taking part) off to the shop for more Creme Eggs.

James returned with 40 more eggs but on the walk BOTTLED IT!!!!, so it was back down to Rob and I. So we set up a 20 on 20 challenge, untimed (more about endurance), watched by the whole company and filmed by 5 cameras (movie coming as soon as I get time to edit)

The next 20 minutes were rather odd to say the least. Initially Rob and I were going 1 for 1 but soon I noticed The Shaw was starting to slow. Rob went for the classic 2 bite approach used by many professional athletes. As time went on his initial bite was getting noticably smaller. I on the other hand went for the more out there smack em in whole approach. that way you cant slow.

By the time we got to 15 both Rob and I were feeling pretty crap. Someone had mentioned that so random guys on Youtube had done 16 so that was our first target. Rob shoots…… and fails. 15.5 for Rob Shaw. I on the other hand got a second wind and with the support and love of my colleagues…… BOOM!!!! 20 for me

I will be honest, I felt pretty good. Sure my vision was blurry, I was red hot and I never wanted to see a Creme Egg again but all in all pretty psyched.

The next memorable moment of my weekend was at 1.00am Saturday morning. No it’s not what you think. At 1.00am I awoke from a nightmare where I was being chased by Ninja (Ninja / Ninjas hmm). I was absolultey boiling hot, my heart rate was 105/minute and I felt rank. Fiona kicked me out of bed and I spend an hour sat in the dark downstairs trying to get my heart rate down. Eventually I returned to bed and entered some sort of random sugar induced coma.

It’s 6.30am and Noah is officially awake. I’m actually feeling pretty good, a bit headachy but pretty good so I go down and watch cartoons with him and let Fiona have a bit of a lie in (yes ladies I am that amazing). A bit later Fiona wakes up, we bathe, we get dressed etc. and she runs me over to Think Visibility 2011 at the Alea Casino in Leeds.

There I hook up with Andy Heaps (My direct boss), Mike Gomez, Steve Walker, Emir and Paul Martin and we get learning.

So all throughout the day I was all over the place. 1 minute I was feeling dire (hollow, really sick, roasting and hungover) and the next I was top of my game (some of my funniest tweets to date). The conference was great. Absolutely the best I have been to. Pic-n-mix, rubber ducks, Dom in a gold jacket and a kick arse after party sponsored by Epiphany Solutions 

Right, now is the time to mention Andy Heaps was not, I repeat not, drinking and was leaving at 10.30pm for the last train. I (being an utter lightweight and feeling pretty volatile) was also leaving at that time and told my wife I would be home by 11pm, prior to my phone running out of battery. Remember this!

So the drinks start flowing… and flowing… The Poker, Roulette and Blackjack tables opened and the Epiphany boyz hit them hard. I was drunk and had never really played Blackjack so I made some corker noob mistakes. Apparently “twist” and “hit me” are not used in Blackjack. Also you get fuck all for a 5 card trick. Pontoon and Blackjack are not the same game!!!

Before long 10.30pm arrived and Andy declared he had booked a room at The Mint hotel and we are staying out. Mike Gomez had to leave, Stephen and Emir both bailed so Andy, Paul and I made our way to the after after party at the SkyBar. By now I am feeling pretty drunk but considering the amount of alcohol I had consumed it seems Creme Eggs have a positive effect on your alcohol theshhold. To be honest I don’t normally have any kind of alcohol theshhold. 1 drink and I am anyones.

So, more drinks courtesy of Mr Heaps and before we know it the Skybar is closing. After that (about 16 bottles, 6 sambocas and a couple of Jagers) it is all a bit of a blur. Honest 

Anyhow, I called it a night at 4.30am and got a taxi home after dancing with 2 random drunks in the street lol. I sneakily unlocked the front door to my home and crept through the kitchen into the living room. Bam!!! Fiona is sat on the sofa nearly in tears. My brain takes over. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. FIGHT. So before she can say a work I shout “Where the fuck have you been!”. In shock she bursts into tears and runs upstairs. I sleep on the sofa.

6.30am. Remembering of course that I got in at 5am and have been sleeping on the sofa. Noah wakes up and Fiona sends him down to jump on me. Yey, well no more sleep for me so we watch some cartoon. Eventually Fiona comes down with my birthday presents. Did I mention the 6th was my birthday? I got some awesome stuff including a £275 Lego Deathstar, loads of cool books, money and no crap.

My birthday was spent chillin, watching DVD’s and eating middle of the road food.

The morals of this story are;

• Rob Shaw, Andy Heaps and Paul Martin are absolute legends
• 20 Creme Eggs Will Not Kill You. Sure you will feel crap for nearly a week but you will live.
• Epiphany Solutions, Dom Hodgeson, Think Visibility, Pete Young, Dixon Jones, Stephen Porehdjsb, Jason Duke, Shaun Hobo and loads of other people ROOOOCCKKK!!!!!!! 

Good night and god bless Xxx