The Gold Rush

Shot put gold medalist disqualified after grizzly bear DNA find

Officials have confirmed they have stripped another gold medal from a contestant after DNA tests confirmed she was, in fact, a 400lb grizzly bear. The revelations came to light after shot put contestants were required to submit a urine sample. We knew something was up when Russia’s sample was submitted — an overflowing 2 litre [...]

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Men take gold in Asking For Directions

Men have been celebrating through the night after unexpectedly taking gold in Asking For Directions. Women, who had been favourites, said they would be appealing the decision, and asked for a halt to proceedings until this had taken place. It’s ridiculous. If you watch the replay, you can clearly see Men driving around aimlessly. I [...]

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Grace Jones wins silver in hula hoop singing

Grace Jones has added to the USA’s huge medal total by taking silver in hula hoop singing, after only just beating The Quite Democratic People’s Republic of Saudi Arabia. There were some doubts she would be able to compete after she had double booked the evening to perform for Simon Cowell. After accepting the award, [...]

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Britons praise Sun God by drinking topless in the park

As the final weeks of August approach, and the British summer begins, millions are expected to make the journey to a nearby park to begin celebrations. Gary, God of Sun, is worshipped every year for 2 weeks in August right across the United Kingdom. People from all over the country come together in parks and [...]

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Rowing disqualification after midgets spotted below boat

The French rowing team face disqualification from yesterday’s race after a line of midgets was spotted kicking their legs below the team boat. The team were performing far better than expected, prompting one twitter user to joke that the French team were being shadowed by a shark. After receiving hundreds of retweets, it was only [...]

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Paying cash-in-hand is ‘morally wrong’ say millionaire UK politicians

There has been a cross party call from rich UK politicians to ask the British public to stop paying cash-in-hand for a reduction in the price of services. Politicians have been queuing outside TV and radio stations to moan about the problem after a report sponsored by a large corporate tax avoidance scheme showed brick [...]

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Kevin Costner found alive and well in Superman trailer

Friends and family of Kevin Costner have released a statement saying they’re hugely relieved after recent sightings of Kevin Costner have been confirmed as being authentic. Reports of the actor being spotted in the background of the Superman – Man of Steel trailer started on internationally renowned news source, TMZ. Editor, Tim Grey, said there [...]

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Arab League warn situation in Syria could end up worse than Middlesborough

Arab League ministers have again warned President Assad that if the situation isn’t resolved quickly, the country could descend into the levels of violence previously only seen in Middleborough on a normal Saturday night. Roads are continuously blocked with piles of burning tyres, masked men shoot at advancing tanks with home-made catapults, and children wander [...]

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Census shows dramatic increase in the number of left handed gay gingers

Politicians say that census figures show an large increase in the number of registered left handed gay gingers living in the UK. Minister of Peoples, Dave Ingram, noted that whilst they were slightly concerned by the findings these do not show the full picture, as unregistered left handed gay gingers remain unaccounted for. LHGG figures [...]

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Army called in to protect Olympics from Bristol

Over 3500 British Army troops have been called in to help police the Olympics after it emerged somebody had told Bristol about the summer event. The announcement follows a week of strange sightings along the M4, as drivers reported seeing lines of what were thought to be refugees, shuffling towards London. Nigel “The Strangler” Devon [...]

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