MailForwards

Three Pastors

Forwarder — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 07:17:37 +0000

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday.

They agreed it's so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them. Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others. He said

"guys it's rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we looked into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses".

They all agreed to this. This pastor said "Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"!

Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!"

The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell. He stood up and said

"My brothers my problem is gossip! I can't sit anymore. I have to share this to others! I will be back.

Drunk and Blonde !

Forwarder — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 07:09:16 +0000

A drunk is sitting at the bar. There is a very buxom blond a few seats down from him.

A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

The glass hits the blond's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him!

He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning. Why do you let the bartender do it? He asks the blonde?

She answers: 'Because he has got

Can you Try and Guess her answer?

Even if you don't, you gonna love this

A LICKER LICENSE!

Amazing take on marriage life

Forwarder — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 07:05:18 +0000

To my dear wife.

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to sleep with the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were doing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,
"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

While the above correspondence may appear humorous, it also underscores the lack of communication that exists in many relationships, not to mention how two people can vary in their perception of the same event.

Isolezwe At Its Best

Forwarder — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 06:54:59 +0000

Mhleli ngibhala lencwadi mayelana nodaba oluphume ephephandabeni lakho

lwangolwesibili ngomhlaka 27 kuyo lenyanga ephelile. Loludaba lumayelana nendoda esiphendule inja yayenza intombi yayo,mhleli ngithi ake niyeke ukuthanda izindaba zabantu kangaka,umakungukuthi lendoda ilale nenja wena uhlushwa yini kulokho?

Wazi ngani noma kade bethandana nalenja ekade elala nayo? Mhleli lendoda kade ingayidlwenguli leyanja kodwa kade bethandana,ngoba phela ukube ibingafuni ukulala naye bekumele imlume. Umbuzo wami uthi ibingamlumi ngani?

Kuyacaca ukuthi ayikho lento aboshelwe yona loyamuntu kepha uboshelwe amanqina enyathi njengoMsholozi okwathiwa udlwengulile kanti uyasukelwa.

Kodwa umasesikhuluma iqiniso nje mhleli,ibingaze ilingeke nayo leyandoda,phela yinhle leyanja ngayibona kahle njengoba nesithombe sayo sasiveziwe.Phela i-darkie(umbala imnyama) elihle leliyana,futhi iyisibutu butu kamnandi yabuye yanqunywa nomsila iwe-we yahlala obala.

Nawe wawungalingeka.

Sengiphetha-ke nje mhleli ngithi tshela lezizintatheli zakho zihlukane nezindaba zabantu zangasese. Ngiyazi-ke ukuthi nalezi zilima zabafundi baleliphephandaba bazophendula basho wonke amawongowongo lana,ubatshele ngizobakhahlela!

OBHALILE

KHOTHIPANI, EMPANGENI

I love being a woman....

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 22:36:07 +0000

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: . . . . "Paint my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!) Money well spent!!!!

Stimulus Package For South Africa

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 22:32:09 +0000

An investment guru, concluded his monthly bulletin with the following comments...

"The South African government is sending each of us a R9,756 rebate. If we spend that money at PLAZA, the money goes to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer, it will go to India .

If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car, it will go to Germany .

If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the South African economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in SA ...

I've been doing my part....."

Seatbelt

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 22:24:53 +0000

Gauteng Metro policeman pulled Sipho's car over and told him that

because he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won R5 000, in

an Arrive Alive safety competition.

Sipho could hardly believe his luck.

'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.

'Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license,' Sipho answered.

'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Dipuo in the passenger seat.

'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and

moaned, 'I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.'

At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Zakes' voice said,

'Are we over the border yet?'

The cop fainted.

A damn fine explanation

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 22:12:16 +0000

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Seafood Platters in Gauteng

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 21:48:51 +0000

Why ANC le IFP di sa utlwane

Forwarder — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 14:12:16 +0000

Reporter : Why ANC le IFP di sa utlwane''? asks the reporter to J.Malema.

J..Malema : ke tla go araba he o ka araba dipotso tsa ka tse 3???

J.Malema : makaka a kgomo a bidiwang?'

Reporter : 'boloko' answer's the reporter

J.Malema : makaka a kgogo a bidiwang????

Reporter : 'setebele' answer's the reporter

J.Malema : ke mang president ya Afganistan?

Reporter : 'A ke mo tsebe'' answer's the reporter

J.Malema: ''wa bona o tseba masepa fela, ga gona nthwe nka e bolelang le wena''