Wikipedia founder discovered rolling around in millions of facts at mansion

Trevor Johnson — 2014-08-01T09:07:00+01:00

Wikipedia’s creator Jimmy Wales was under police guard in hospital today after being discovered naked and “laughing hysterically” in millions of facts printed from his website.

Police were called to the 47-year-old’s London home only after one of 200 printers jammed and caught fire, sending plumes of black smoke into the skies.

Officers broke into the home and reportedly found Wales throwing thousands of tiny pieces of paper into the air.

“It was like the end of Scarface but with small nuggets of information rather than cocaine,” said PC Tim Grey. “All the bits of paper were from cut-up printouts for the wikipedia entry on aadvarks. There was everything you could want to know about that medium-sized, burrowing, nocturnal animal native to Africa.

"It seems Wales had tried to print off the entire contents of wikipedia but pressed a million copies of aadvark instead. As everyone including the late Steve Jobs knows, you can’t cancel a print job once it’s started.”

A source inside wikipedia speculated that Wales had been planning to step down as president of Wikia and was trying to “take all the facts with him”.

“Jimmy lives for facts. I mean he eats them morning, noon and night. I bought him a novel once and he went and threw up in the corner.”

Rumours have swirled around Wales in recent months, with some suggesting that he has resorted to ever more drastic tactics to “beef up the facts”, including working his way through the phone book and asking random members of the public if they “know of any facts of interest that wikipedia may have overlooked”.

Author and presenter Stephen Fry revealed that Wales phoned him last night in a distressed state, asking what the plural of “scissors” was.
“A similar thing happened to me on the third series of QI,” said Fry.

“I’d been reading the Chinese dictionary at bedtime and I suddenly blacked out. When I woke up I spoke Cantonese for 24 hours straight.”

And British pianist Jools Holland suffered a similar fate in 2003 when he accidentally overdosed on boogie woogie. Holland was cured after being sent to a clinic that played nothing but thrash metal loudly for a week.

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9 things we think are inevitable about any Oasis comeback

Trevor Johnson — 2014-07-29T10:51:00+01:00

Let’s face it, one day it’s inevitable. As soon as Liam realises he can only rhyme “rain” with “pain” so many times, and Noel realises he can only rhyme “mind” and “find” so many times, then a reunion will be arranged faster than you can say: anyone for a fat line of Knebworth?

9) The bust-ups. These will cause less disruption than before. In fact, a dedicated “bust-up manager” will be appointed to ensure that ructions only occur right at the end of tours. The boys are older now and therefore a fight co-ordinator will also be hired to teach them to pull punches and use only light props as weapons.

8) No Downing Street reception this time. There won’t be any champagne supernova love-ins between Noel and David Cameron. The reason is less to do with the inherent uncoolness of Tories and Lib Dems and more to do with the fact that we’re all a bit embarrassed about Noel’s original encounter with Blair at No.10, and how cool it seemed at the time. Let’s learn the lessons of history.

7) Baiting foreigners. They clashed with Germans and Americans last time, now for the big Oasis comeback they can have their pick of everyone else. Next up: fisticuffs with Swiss tobacconists, uppercuts thrown at at Taiwanese traffic wardens?

6) The re-emergence of TGI Friday with Chris Evans. Huey from The Fun Lovin’ Criminals! The trainspotting crew! David Seaman! Yes! No! No!

5) The two good albums followed by the massively hyped indulgent album, which sells a million copies before lunchtime and then only 312 in the afternoon once word gets out.

4) Nonsense lyrics and titles. The first single will be called Yes No I Can Can You? and the first album will be called Probably Hello What No. For more on bad Oasis lyrics, read our article here.

3) Nastiness at the Brit Awards. Due to their newfound maturity, there is no fighting but Liam hacks into Kasabian’s bank account and makes several dubious deposits to arouse the suspicions of the taxman.

2) They move to Manchester to prove their authenticity. Authenticity undermined when Liam attacks tram driver who has refused to leave the rails to take him to his ma’s house.

1) Rivalry with Blur fails to materialise after no-one can find anyone from Blur, apart from Alex James on a Saturday morning cookery programme. After finally locating Damon Albarn he agrees to a new Blur vs Oasis battle of the bands and records a song with some Malian musicians about fair trade. Oasis record a song about falling down some steps. Both sell 55 copies and it’s a draw.

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Bob Dylan suffering from buckets of moonbeams in his hands

Trevor Johnson — 2014-07-27T15:02:00+01:00

Singing legend Bob Dylan confirmed yesterday that he is suffering from buckets of rain and tears coming out of his ears.

The 72-year-old refused to go into more medical detail but added that he also had buckets of moonbeams in his hands.

He would say only that he was being treated for the rain, tears and moonbeam head trauma and was expected to make a full recovery.

When asked to clarify what he meant, he told a press conference at his label, Columbia, in New York: “Little red wagon, little red bike.”

Dylan also refused to be drawn on whether he had recently witnessed the “one-eyed midget shouting ‘now’” mentioned in his 1965 song Ballad of a Thin Man.

He said “no comment” when asked about the midget’s subsequent remark: “You’re a cow. Give me some milk or else go home.”

East and West Korea begin rival conflict

Trevor Johnson — 2014-07-01T16:39:00+01:00

East and West Korea are to start a conflict to directly compete with their counterparts' to the north and south.

The presidents of the two nations said they were “tired of seeing their neighbours get all the attention” and were keen to “explore mutually beneficial opportunities for nuclear annihilation”.

The tensions will initially be focused less on cross-border missile tests than on inconsiderate parking and untidy bin areas.

The hardline Communist East Korea claims ownership of West Korea, while the softer, “centre-leftish” West says that taking control of its neighbour is a “nice to have rather than a must have”.

East Korea is believed to be very interested in getting hold of West Korea’s lucrative volleyball manufacturing sector, which is worth up to £2.1m per year. It also has eyes on West Korea’s state-sanctioned sitcom, Was That The Kangs?

Launching their conflict, the two nations put out a press statement yesterday, which read: “Tired of the same old North / South Korea conflict? Wish they’d piss or get off the pot? Us, too. For the next 28 days, take the West / East Korea Challenge. We think you’ll like the difference.”

East Korea’s president Chong Dong-min is determined to unite the two countries in a giant Communist super state, while his rival Ki Mo Jung has spoken only of “some car pooling potential”.

Likewise, while Chong Dong-min has ordered countless executions of close allies and family members, Ki Mo Jung has left his inner circle unharmed, although he reportedly had “strong words with a cousin about a Flymo”.

“The grass had been left on the blades for nearly a week after use,” said a source. “It took a while to get off.”

And while Chong Dong-min has ramped up arms production and imprisonment of political opponents, Ki Mo Jung has focused more on local recycling schemes.

He told a conference of local authority chief executives recently: “I think we’re all agreed now that the way forward for a totalitarian Communist state is, you know, decentralised services.

“Whatever you guys do is cool with me. Don’t think I’m some ogre always looking over your shoulder. This is a partnership, not a dictatorship.”

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BREAKING Dermatologists hate woman

Trevor Johnson — 2014-01-20T06:15:00+00:00

Dermatologists hate a California woman for discovering a cure for her condition, it was claimed today.

An advert widely seen on the internet says that the skin specialists are in a state of fury over the cream invented by Marion Wilson, 68, of Fresno.

“I spent three years training to treat skin because I like helping people but now I spend most of my days hating a woman who has found a cure for that very condition,” said dermatologist Allen J Waxler. “The world of dermatology is rife with such ironies.”

He added: “For many years I have thought that it was the idea of making people better that has motivated me but now I see that it is in fact the goal of making money unimpeded by smartarse discoveries by the public.

"You’d think I’d be happy for the lady, who suffered from this condition for 25 years. Not by a long way.

"A bunch of us got together in a back room at the Steamin’ Bull Bar out on Highway 99, ’cos something had to be done about this freakin’ chick.

“After a few beers some of the boys wanted to go and string her up, you know, and I had to talk them out of it. I reminded them of ‘first do no harm’ and they said that only applied to doctors. I wasn’t sure who was right so I said we could compromise and just slap her non-ageing face a bit.”

Mrs Wilson has now been forced to go into hiding, with FBI protection, as more and more dermatologists begin hating her.

"I’ve bought me some attack dogs and we’re going round to eat her hatefully youthful face off,” said family dermatologist Ben Masterson, of Flagstaff, Arizona.

Meanwhile, a SWAT team was called to Elk City in Oklahoma after a crew of dermatologists believed they had closed in on another self-treating patient, Eric Kennedy, 44.

Personal trainers hate him
“It was an ugly mob, consumed with hate,” said Sheriff Carter Rix. “We called in the SWAT boys ’cos you don’t mess with dermatologists when they’re on a hater.

This week it was also alleged in internet adverts that cosmetic surgeons hate a woman from Boulder, Colorado, and that personal trainers hate a man who got a six pack in a month.

“My passion is helping people to transform their bodies for the better,” said trainer Aaron DeWitt. “But this shit just takes the biscuit.”

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German football star Hans Gropius comes out as 'bi-curious'

Trevor Johnson — 2014-01-13T18:22:11+00:00

The week after former Aston Villa midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger revealed he was gay, fellow German Hans Gropius has outed himself as “bi-curious”.

The Bayern Munich striker (pictured left, in command of beach ball, with 'transgender curious' Borussia Dortmund goalkeeper Franz Drechsler) told a press conference that although he still considered himself heterosexual, he had on certain hot afternoons felt the urge to work with another man on a lathe.

“I like the firm brush of a man’s shoulder on public transport, okay?” he said. “Please to be understanding. I like working with a strimmer with another man on a tricky hedge. I like to laugh at moments of amusement. Is that a crime?

“I like watching Antiques Roadshow and with other gentlemen guessing the values of the interesting objects. I like to sit outside the bierkeller with a man friend, saying wow, look at her, that’s some sexy fraulein.”

Gropius said that while he had never had a gay experience, he had long been a fan of “show tunes” and also considered himself “musical theatre curious”.

“It is not easy being a bi-curious footballer and I ask for privacy as I hang out with some chap at an art gallery on a Sunday afternoon, or help him with an oil change, holding his greasy rag.”

He then invited the reporters to attend a gay disco for footballers across the road, Man City.

Last year, Bastia striker Jean-Pierre Mollet came out as the first openly bi-curious footballer after what he ambiguously described as “a satisfying experience wearing a scarf”. He later declared that he was no longer curious and was sure that he was heterosexual.

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90% of public secretly excited about fracking tremors in West Sussex

Trevor Johnson — 2013-08-13T09:45:35+01:00

Prime minister David Cameron yesterday urged the public to get behind fracking operations, saying earthquakes had “major entertainment potential”.

He accused opponents of the mining process of being “spoilsports who clearly [hadn’t] seen any films where tremors made roads wobbly and filing cabinets fall over”.

“Protesters wouldn't be so po-faced if they saw how wicked a proper tremor can be. Without fracking this country faces the real danger of running out of natural comedy phenomena within our lifetime,” he said. “Fracking would offer sustainable laughter for decades to come.”

A Daily News surveyed suggested 90% of the public were excited at the thought of tremors striking West Sussex, where mining has begun in the village of Balcombe.

“Nobody wants to see a tsunami or killer floods but let's face it, no-one’s ever died from tremors in this country,” said one respondent. “When that fracking kicks in, we could see some serious TV.”

Mr Cameron added: “I want there to be enough energy for my children and my children's children, and if that means a tractor has to nosedive into a gigantic crater in the road in a really cool way, then so be it.

“Critics of fracking obviously haven’t seen any 70s disaster movies. We could be looking at trapped miners, corrupt execs flying in by helicopter and one scenery-chewing gas expert who agrees to go down into the mine, just 24 hours before he’s due to retire.

"You'd think West Sussex would be excited about this. It's the only thing of interest that's happened to them since the Birdman of Bognor contest moved to Worthing."

Duchess of Cambridge has 'George' tattooed on back in Japanese

Trevor Johnson — 2013-07-26T11:52:57+01:00

The royal tattooist has inscribed the name of the Duchess of Cambridge’s son George in Japanese hieroglyphics on her back (pictured), it has been confirmed.

Prince William told reporters outside the Middleton family home in Berkshire that the procedure had gone to plan and that he too was considering a tattoo, perhaps of something in Arabic.

Observers have questioned why the couple left it as long as three days before calling the royal tattooist, saying that it was not in keeping with recommended practice in Britain in 2013.

A royal spokesman responded by saying the couple did not wish the appointment to clash with the visit by the royal ear piercer.

LIVE Johnny Borrell to spend rest of afternoon moving sofa to new position

Trevor Johnson — 2013-07-23T14:44:00+01:00

Johnny Borrell is spending the afternoon moving his sofa from the back wall of his living room to the west-facing wall, his management has confirmed within the last few minutes.

“The back wall seemed the obvious place when he moved in a few years ago but the sun is often in his eyes when he’s watching television. It's all come to a head today.”

She refused to speculate on whether Borrell was being given any help in the moving of the leather cream and walnut Habitat four-seat sofa, which measures w232 x h74 x d83cm, according to press reports.

“It’s a pretty expensive sofa, costing around £2,400 new,” said the spokeswoman. “But he got it in the sale.”

Little has been heard of Borrell since he hit the headlines in 2008 when the pull cord of his roller blind became entangled in the roller mechanism and took several days to work free, requiring three gigs in France to be cancelled.

“Johnny’s a passionate songwriter and so he’s looking forward to getting the sofa move out the way and focus on what matters – the back bedroom,” said his spokeswoman.

The Razorlight star is expected to spend tomorrow moving his Kodak Hero 7.0 printer from his study into the loft because he rarely uses it. He will then take some time off for “a much-needed rest”.

Borrell and Razorlight have been absent from the festival scene for several years, with Borrell repeatedly citing pressure of resolving the lack of space to fully open his Smeg fridge door.

 “He then got distracted by what to do with some spare duvets,” said a close friend. “Do they go under the bed? Under the mattress? Or do you squeeze them into plastic crates and put them in the loft? It isn’t a job you can do overnight."

And Borrell was outspoken in April of this year, criticising Pete Doherty over his living room layout, which “shoehorned a lovely Vitra Noguchi glass coffee table into a corner when it should have been the central feature”.

The pair are said not to have spoken since.

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How to have the worst BBQ ever this weekend: a guide in 30 points

Trevor Johnson — 2013-07-19T13:00:43+01:00

1) Excitedly wheel BBQ out the shed. If it’s your first of the season, you will open it up and discover bizarre scorpion-type insect thing and weevils feeding on half-rotted mouse.

2) Give it all a quick wipe down.

3) Build a solid base of firelighters. About 20 should do. Set light to them.

4) Start drinking heavily.

5) Repeatedly shove more firelighters under the charcoal until there’s an inferno.

6) Wait until flames have died and charcoal has turned white before remembering that you haven’t bought any food.

7) Go to supermarket.

8) Find it’s closed.

9) Go to convenience store and buy some unspeakably dreadful sausages.

10) Get home.

11) Realise you forgot burgers, buns, ketchup etc.

12) Realise you do have lots of alcohol and that you can probably wing it with the food.

13) Have argument with partner about why all you have cooked so far is a mouse.

14) Offer to remove mouse skeleton.

15) Top up drink.

16) Pump up Spotify playing from iPhone dock. Dance around a bit.

17) Discreetly listen in to boring conversation between neighbours and one of their parents.

18) Notice you started the barbecue one hour 45 minutes ago.

19) Throw all the food on in panic.

20) Put on Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing so loudly that you can sing along without anyone knowing.

21) Reassure yourself that you’ve still got it.

22) Seek bandages as gigantic fireball rises from bbq and is visible by concerned astronauts.

23) Begin scraping heavy layer of black burnt stuff off meat.

24) Begin squirting water frantically on to flames.

25) Have second argument with partner. It doesn’t matter what. There’ll be plenty of choice by this stage.

26) You don’t want to get behind schedule so start on the shorts.

27) More dancing.

28) Get some stale bread from the bread bin and shove some meat into it. Plenty of ketchup.

29) Serve.

30) Later, Google divorce lawyers.

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