The bulletin having worked its way through the BBC’s palette of PowerPoint effects while patronisingly explaining to me what a recession is, and played a pointless succession of clips of Rupert Murdoch saying nothing helpfully interspersed by Nicholas Witchell consdescending to explain what it was that Rupert Murdoch was not saying anything about, the final straw came while George Alagiah introduced an item about The Great Drought Of 2012.

You see, it rained quite heavily in some parts of the country yesterday.

But the bulk of England is in a drought. Half-empty reservoirs, hosepipe bans, etc.

And those two things BLEW GEORGE ALAGIAH’S TINY MIND.

Clearly, the BBC thinks it’s impossible for there to be a drought (brought about by a sustained, long-term period of low rainfall) alongside a couple of hours of rain.

The BBC almost certainly blames the European Court of Human Rights for “them” taking away our God-given right to water our petunias WHEN THERE’S CLEARLY LOTS OF WATER AROUND SO WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM, BLOODY JOBSWORTHS?

I didn’t wait to hear the “report” on this pressing “news” item, doubtless pointlesly topped and tailed by some poor schmuck in a raincoat who’d been told to drive around at great expense with his cameraman and sound engineer until they found somewhere where it was tipping it down with rain.

I pray that the Chief Executive of British Waterways (or whoever they interviewed for incisive insight and enlightened comment into this incredible phenomemon) replied:

“Two years – almost no rain. One day – heavy showers. Now fuck off, do the job we pay our licence fees for and go and report on what’s happening on South Sudan.”

But as there’s no mention of that on the front page of today’s Daily Mail I have to assume that didn’t happen.

Maybe tonight, eh, George?

There have been 95 days in 2012 so far.

In 2012 to date The Guardian has run 93 stories that include the phrase “Mad Men”.

Sky Atlantic’s viewing figures for the first three episodes of series five of Mad Men:

• episode one – 98,000
• episode two – 45,000
• episode three – 47,000

There are roughly 60 million people in the UK.

47,000 as a percentage of 60,000,000 is less than 0.08%.

229,000 people bought The Guardian in January 2012 according to the industry circulation figures.

0.08% of 229,000 is 183.

So, adding in the friends and family of each journalist, the almost-daily stream of Guardian articles about Mad Men have been aimed at about 200 people.

From the look of this picture it seems that it took the Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf a very short time indeed to get the measure of this crackpot zealot.

Funnily, Bliar was in Liberia to tell the Liberians how to live their lives, just as he liked to tell various sets of little brown people how to live their lives back in the day when people still inexplicably gave half-a-shit about what he had to say.

The more I look at the photograph above the more I laugh. Albeit it’s the kind of mirthless laughter borne of the realisation that it took President Sirleaf mere minutes to come to the same conclusion about this pointy-headed cunt it took a large swathe of the British electorate a full decade to reach.

It’s just a shame she’s a nasty homophobe. Ah, well…

Thanks, anyway, Mr. Tony Bliar, for cheering an old Minister up. May it be years before you darken the doorstep of the Ministry again.

“But we didn’t actually try to do anything about the issues we all knew she had. We just continued to make money off her by dragging her fraying body out as a freak show/guest star every so often for your entertainment so we could sell more advertising space. We played on her issues. We preyed on them. In fact, now I come to think about it I am a despicable cunt. What I’ve become shames and disgusts me. I shall now do the honourable thing and kill myself,” he didn’t continue.

Do you have one idea to win the next election? The Fabian Fringe at Labour 2011

Labour Party Conference is fast approaching and as with every year we’ll be running one of the largest fringe programmes on offer. Come and join us and our partners in Liverpool Town Hall, just five minutes walk from the Secure Zone. No conference pass is needed to secure attendance.

Do you have one idea to win the next election? If so please submit your ideas to Me and the winner will get to pitch their ideas to our Dragons in this year’s ‘Fabian Dragons’ Den entitled‘One Idea to Win the Next Election’(Sunday at 1pm).

Hazel Blears MP and Mehdi Hasan (Senior Editor New Statesmen, co-author ‘Ed: The Milibands and the making of a Labour leader’) will be joined by a special guest to pass judgement on your ideas.

To take part all you need to do is submit your pitch via e-mail and be ready and available to speak at The Fringe event itself. The pitch should be no more than 500 words and a few runners up will have their ideas posted on our prestigious and influential Fabian blog ‘Next Left’.

Posted by Olly Parker – Events Director at the Fabian Society

Er, “ditch Chauncey Gardiner and replace him with someone more credible with the electorate, like Iain Duncan-Smith”?