A cynic’s guide to real estate sweet talk

Ads that pitch a property for sale, often say one thing, while hiding an entirely different picture. Here’s my tongue-in-cheek exposé of the hidden subtext behind some commonly used expressions in the real estate world.

Real estate sale’s puffery spins a cocoon of cosy deceit. Its lazy clichés lure and lull the uninformed potential buyer with promises that exaggerate the desirability of a property in the hope of lubricating a deal.

Estate agent speak is an exercise in deliberate obfuscation. Dislocation. Dislocation. Dislocation. By default, all apartments and homes will be presented as ‘immaculate’, pools as ‘sparkling’. Don’t be duped by the smooth talk. The following ‘translations’ will help potential buyers slash through the hyberbole:

• ‘In a sought after area’ (often spelt ‘sort after’, since estate agents are notoriously bad spellers) = neighbourhood with absolutely no redeeming features.
• ‘Architect-built’ or ‘renovated by an architect’ (we would hope so) = badly conceived or rethought by an interior designer to pass off particularly inept lay-out as a deliberate aesthetic choice.
• ‘Needs TLC’ (Tender Loving Care? Ha!) = needs to be dynamited and redone from scratch.
• ‘Charming’ = ditto TLC. Totally outdated and tatty or a cottage masquerading as a house.
• ‘Lots of potential’ or ‘olde worlde charm’ (sic) = a dump.
• ‘For the discerning buyer’ = NOT.
• ‘In the vernacular’ = stands out like a sore thumb, i.e. ugly and outdated.
• ‘Intimate cottage vibe’ = claustrophobic and pokey.
• ‘Pied-à-terre’ (spelt in a variety of hilarious, but uninformed ways) = hole in the wall.
• ‘Serious seller’ = property has been on our books for far too long at too greedy a price and it’s getting stale. We’re ready to slash wrists, but not so much the price.
• ‘Oh so divine!’ = hoping to attract the arty types.
• ‘Lovely fixer-upper’ = for people with nothing better to do than fight with building contractors.
• ‘Neat as a pin’ = as tiny as a pin’s head – only a prick will fall for it.
• ‘Dream house’ = in a nightmarish neighbourhood.
• ‘Versatile home: option for dual living’ = cajole your über-wealthy single aunt into a live-in proposition so that she can stay under the house but pay for half the property.
• ‘Lock up and go’ = minuscule, with a garden (if you are lucky) the size of a stamp.
• ‘Ideal investment’ = noisy and small, sometimes run-down.
• ‘Side sea-view’ = sea usually only visible from the balcony’s side edge – if there is one – or, if you poke your head out of the toilet window, twisting sideways, you will be rewarded with a glimpse of a blue pencil line in the distance (similar to the Parisian real estate promise of ‘vue sur verdure’ or ‘views onto greenery’ = view onto a patch of green the size of a bowl of salad).
• ‘Walking distance to the beach / sea’ = absolutely NO sea view.
• ‘Secluded’ = tucked away up a difficult-to-access cul de sac, perfect for – surprise! – organised crime visitations.
• ‘Renovator’s dream’ = a dump we’re trying to sell at a premium.

Ernest Hemingway, 1923

“There is no friend as loyal as a book.”

My de rigueur post-it for bibliophiles visiting the City of Light – Don’t miss the Parisian bookstore, Shakespeare and Company, on the left bank in front of the Notre Dame cathedral. It was a popular hangout for writers Ezra Pound, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Gertrude Stein during the twenties and a magnet for  bohemian personalities such as William Burroughs, Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller. So take a break from the bouquinistes along the Seine and head through its sacred portals…

The building oozes character. Original timber beams, overflowing bookshelves and meandering corridors leading into cosy, specialised book nooks. Upstairs, the vintage tomes aren’t for sale, but ensconce yourself in a corner and peruse the selection of classic titles while someone plays impromptu riffs on the piano. A delicious ambience indeed.

As you alight the creaky stairs to the second floor you pass a noticeboard crammed with handwritten notes. The following anonymous piece, dated July 15 – 2014, grabbed my attention:

An age-long question: What to do with the life I’ve been given?

Only one thing can be certain: Live in a sense that leaves you without turmoil, and love others as though they are or were yourself from a different life or timeline.

If you allow yourself to fall prey to the mundane pattern that is the grand mistake of mankind, you will be left with such a world full of fear that any bit of freedom causes terror in oneself.

Do not give in to the temptation of safety and mediocrity. Risk all or deny everything.

In Paris, September is a gentle micro-season. It prolongs the warmth of summer past, just when you thought it should be over. ‘l’Eté Indien’ the locals call it. When the final summer rays burst forth concertedly and caress the outdoor folk at bistro café tables, while swirling autumn leaves rustle crisply across cobbled streets and whisper ‘winter’s on its way’…

A brilliant Parisian marketing campaign launched in March last year by Sephora, the international perfume and cosmetic giant  is still turning heads more than a year later. The campaign consists simply of six powerful posters each with a quirky neologism superimposed across the face of a model with eye-catching make-up.

The cosmetic chain Sephora, (2012 turnover: US$3 billion according to Forbes), was founded in Paris in the 1970′s. The name is a melding of  ’sephos’ (Greek for beauty) and Zipporah, the exceptionally beautiful wife of Moses.   

Sephora’s French copywriter created the following six words to convey the notion that every woman is able to fully express her individual beauty and uniqueness: glamourisme; rayonescence; fascinance; sublimitude; bombassitude; attractionisme – via their product offerings, of course. The words have specifically been designed with stickiness in mind, i.e. to have the maximum retention value in the potential consumer’s mind.The white horizontal lines of the Sephora brand mark are reinforced in certain letters of the individual neologism, with the image presented as an eye-popping fractal pyramid. Together, the marriage of the neologism and image evoke a strong sense of aspirational individuality in a world of mass consumerism.

Let’s deconstruct the following poster with the tag word BOMBASSITUDE:

The English adjective ‘bombastic’ springs to mind. From the old French ‘bombace’ (cocoon), this etymological origin is revealing. It would suggest that the newly coined word signifies a state of mind or being in which the ego, puffed up like a pupa and protected by its cosy shell, feels proud and safe. This ostensible arrogance is stripped of its impertinence, with an understated ‘You can’t touch me’ attitude. In this context, bombassitude is a tongue-in-cheek state of luxuriating in self-worth, for flambuoyancy rather than self aggrandisement. It expresses a woman’s prerogative to be herself – marrying hyperfeminism, feminism and futurism, all at once.

The origin of the term is to be found in baseball where the spin put on the ball by a pitcher was designed to disguise the true direction of the ball and confuse the batter.

In copywriting we talk about the advertising ‘pitch’ (also analogous with baseball terminology) and ‘putting a new spin’ on an old idea.

Grandiose claims made in marketing material about unique selling points – in the hope of winning new customers – are also referred to as ‘puffing’. The tactic is legal and can subtly persuade, if not entertain, an informed audience.

Spin has traditionally been most effective in convincing an audience to adopt a particular consumer behaviour or swop brand loyalty.

Yet social media is proving to be the perfect watchdog. Twitter, in particular, dilutes the effectiveness of spin-doctored assertions in real time, with different and countering viewpoints, thereby reducing its ‘spinfluence’ (i.e. the power and influence which spin exerts over a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviour towards a product or service).

Like the graphic artist’s tool of photo-shopping, there’s a fine moral line as to when the wordsmith uses spin-doctoring or not. Puffing (which is seen as tongue-in-cheek) is fine, but blatant lies won’t stand the scrutiny of a wary public.

One of my favourite authors, Mark Twain, wrote a wonderful motivational piece that may be interpreted on many levels. He was also a steamboat pilot. I’m following his recommendation literally:

‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’

Practically a quarter of all companies in the UK have a career break policy. There’s good sense too, I feel, in taking mini sabbaticals (of say, 2-3 months every 2 years, throughout a lifetime) instead of waiting for the provocation of career burnout after umpteen years of non-stop career worship. It’s time that should be seen as both sacred and vital for recharging one’s proverbial batteries to return to the workplace like an Energised Bunny.

After 13 years of copywriting I’m taking a well-earned break. It’s official: I’m on sabbatical.

I’d like to give some added street cred to the concept while examining its origins. From the Greek, ‘sabbatikos’ and Hebrew ‘Shabbat’, meaning ‘of the sabbath’, a sabbatical is a year’s absence (normally one year in every seven) traditionally granted to academics or professors at university institutions.

In pagan times, the days of the week were dedicated to the sun, moon and five planets visible to the naked eye, indicating qualities of time. Sunday was the first day of the week, with Saturday, called Saturn Day by the Romans, the last. Being the planet with the slowest orbit, Saturday ended the week on a chilled note and was the day for reaping the rewards of the week’s endeavours through refreshment and relaxation.

The term sabbatical, rooted in religion, came to be used in the sense of an academic gap year only by the late 16^th century. The concept piggy-backed onto Mosaic Law (the Laws of Moses), among which was a holy decree that every seventh year the land should remain untilled. So the Mosaic sabbatical was all about a wilful slowing down, leaving the land untilled for a full year in the interests of greater fertility. By analogy, taking a gap year affords one time to further develop latent talents.

The Sabbath, as mentioned in Genesis 2:2-3, describes how God rested on the seventh day after the creation of the universe.

Sabbaticals these days are taken by non-academics too and are commonly enjoyed for travel, sports, upskilling or internships, plus humanitarian, community or ecological projects. The cynic might add… or perhaps as psychic rehab to get over male or female menopause?

Recently when someone heard I was self-employed, they wisecracked: ‘So when was the last time you slept with yourself for a raise?’ In similar vein, taking a sabbatical, I guess, is like going on a second honeymoon – but with yourself.

So what’s on my sabbatical plate? I’ve visited Paris and Dubai to look at future copywriting collaborations. After a ‘brush up’ digital photographic course, and having undertaken a sailing course at Saldanha Bay, I will be heading for Europe again next week.

With a friend (the proud owner of a brand new Lagoon 450 catamaran) we take delivery of the boat at la Rochelle on the west coast of France. After sailing across the reputedly stormy Bay of Biscay, around Portugal, through the Straits of Gibraltar into the relatively placid waters of the Mediterranean to the Balearic islands, we will be port-hopping along the Spanish and French Rivieras.

I’ll be nipping across to Montreal, NYC and Buenos Aires before sailing the Greek Isles later in the year, as well as doing an updated Digital Media Marketing course. And, if I can squeeze it in… complete a book either on ancient symbols or sound symbolism.

There’s no intention of hijacking the Thinkspot blog as a gallivanting travelogue. I’m looking forward to being sans cellphone and only plugging into the digital ethers when in port. I promise to keep my blog insights word- and language-oriented.

 As the Roman poet Ovid, who lived from 43 BCE to 18 ACE encouraged:

‘Remember to take a rest; a field that lies rested grows a bountiful crop.’

‘Writing is a prestigious profession which puts one right into the centre of the world, and to remain on top, one has to work really hard, the aim being a good and original theme, simplicity in expression and the use of the irreplaceable word.’

Nelson Rolihlala Mandela (1918-2013)