Ask Coach Iyab

I decided to start a new column on my blog called “Ask Coach Iyabo.” My in box is filled with questions and people wanting answers. So, if you have a question, just email me and I will see about responding here on the blog in this column.

Today’s question comes from a man!

I love when men ask questions. He says, “I think this is a simple but complex question: Is it okay to be a little selfish from time to time.  When is okay to say I need to come first?”
I love this question. It is simple but complex like you say.

The short answer is: Yes! Absolutely! Please Be Selfish! With a caveat, of course.

The dictionary defines selfish as:

~characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

Now, looking at this definition, I do not believe that you are really asking if you should be selfish. I believe that you are asking should you always put the needs of others first and should you always be thinking of others and not yourself.

Now, if you are really asking me, “Is it okay to be only concerned with my own interests, benefits and welfare?”

My answer to that is “You judge for yourself and how is it working for you?”

I am not the moral police who tells you it is ok or not ok to only think of yourself. But look at the results you are yielding. If you only think of yourself all the time, do you feel close and intimate to your partner or your kids? Do you have a healthy vibrant relationship with those around you. A healthy vibrant relationship has a lot of give and take and a lot of laughter and shared experiences. We co-create experiences with others and that is what makes life so wonderful.

I believe that if you are truly being selfish according to the definition of the word as above, that you are not in co-creating mode and in my opinion, that is perfectly ok, if that is what you want.

However, I doubt that you can have that much laughter and shared experiences if you are being truly selfish.

I think that part of it speaks for itself.

Now, on to what I think your real question is.

Is it OK to think of myself once in a while and take care of my needs?

Yes!

As a matter of fact, I believe that as a society, we have skewered what this means.

Think of a plane flight and you are told to put the mask on first before you try to put it on your child.

You are only good to anyone else if you are fully present, solid, available, physically healthy, mentally healthy, emotionally healthy and spiritually healthy.

Any relationship you are in that requires you to take care of them first before you take care of yourself is fundamentally unstable and is not in your best interest.

I feel very strongly about this piece: Being an adult means you taking care of yourself. It means you understand that you came in this world alone and you will leave alone so you are responsible for yourself: financially, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

There is no one else available to take care of you.

So, you take care of yourself and as you do this, you are modeling excellent behavior that sends the message to your kids and everyone around you that taking time out for yourself is a priority.

Now, sometimes, circumstances are such that you cannot take care of yourself for a season or a reason.

Let us explore some live situations and how to make yourself a priority:

1. If you have little children, they are so needy that the primary care givers have to make the care and love of the child the priority. That is why moms need breaks. That is why all primary care givers MUST have time away from the children to breathe and not be needed for a few moments every day! This is extremely important. Otherwise, I believe, there is potential for neglect, abuse and just plain “going crazy!” Talk about “snapped!”

2. If you have a special needs child: Ditto as above.

3. If you have a special needs spouse (ill or disabled): Ditto as above!

No one person can take care of another person with no breaks and no time for self. If you can, make sure there is someone else to sit with your partner and give you a break. Go watch a game by yourself or with the fellas every now and then. Give yourself a break.

You cannot do it all.

Many partners find themselves in this situation and find themselves eaten up with resentment and anger. Get some help. Join a support group that is positive and gives you support around finding time for yourself. Do not allow your partner’s illness to engulf you and diminish your quality of life. I suggest trying to stay away from groups that limit who you are to the pain of having a special needs partner or child.

I know what I am saying is controversial but I also know that many times, the healthy partner feels a lot of guilt, self imposed and otherwise, about being the “healthy” one. You do not owe anyone any apologies. You are healthy period. You do what you can and of course, you have empathy for your partner.

But you know what? You cannot get sick enough that your partner will get well.

So give up the pity party.

Take time out for yourself and refuel, reconnect, regain and reaffirm who you are.

So my advice: As best as you can, take time out for you. Spend time alone. Spend time doing something mindless. Spend time doing something mindful. Spend time laughing. Spend time playing. Spend time in nature. Spend time with other loved ones. Spend time being you.

Guys, this is not called selfishness! It is called Self-Care!

So how are you caring for yourself today?

In this video, I narrate an personal experience I recently had that helped me understand the influences on my money identity.

As a child,  I loved oratory so I always imagined myself a litigator holding the jury spell bound just like Perry Mason did.

So I decided to become a lawyer and envisioned myself as a spectacular trial attorney. My first hearing was a name change in the judge’s chambers. You know that thing you see on TV called the swearing in: “Do you, XYZ, promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?” – for the life of me, my brain froze and the judge asked me like five times to swear in the client and my brain was as blank as a sheet of white paper!

I froze and then the judge did the swearing in and I ran out of that courthouse and till today, I break out in hives when I drive past a courthouse! LOL. I am so glad that I am crystal clear that I am not a litigator!

However, when I speak before audiences of personal development and life strategies, I sure do feel like Perry Mason as I advocate for the case of your Spirit!

Let us learn something from this dog and if we want to chase birds, please do?

What birds would you like to be chasing right now that you are not doing in your life right now?

I am chasing birds all day long. Please join me!

Your Thoughts Emotions and Beliefs from Iyabo Asani on Vimeo.

What did you think? Please leave a comment below

This is video number seven in the Inner Genius Empowerment Zone series. In this video I discuss your Personal Greatness.

Tapping into your greatness helps you break through the ceilings in your life. Your greatness is ever expanding and growing. Are you aware of the story that you tell yourself? What is your great story?

Please watch this video from John Gerzema at TED talks. He  says there’s an upside to the recent financial crisis — the opportunity for positive change. He identifies four major cultural shifts driving new consumer behavior and shows how businesses are evolving to connect with thoughtful spending.

I love the “thoughtful spending” concept.

I love that communities are creating local currencies to sustain their economies.

I love that there is a revolution about food.

I love the company that only uses Twitter.

When you watch a video like this, think about your business, no matter how small or big and how you can connect with the consumer’s careful spending patterns.

What are your thoughts?

Be Aware

We all know about awareness and what we think awareness is. We have to be more in tune with ourselves to know what we are thinking and how that translates into results.

Before you really develop your awareness skills, I think it will be a brilliant idea to revisit the whole subject of suspending judgment. The point of awareness is to suspend judgment. If you judge what you are noticing, you will create false blinders.

The best way to develop awareness is to practice it.

Once a day, please practice this exercise.

Sit in a comfortable chair and get very comfortable.

Taste: How does your mouth feel? Is it dry? Is it salivating? Is it thirsty? Is it full? Rub your tongue on the roof of your mouth and across your teeth and notice how it feels. What is the dominant taste in your mouth right now? What do you want the taste to be?

Touch: Feel the chair that you are sitting in. Feel it support your back. Feel your bottom in the curve of the seat. Feel the back of your thighs supported.  How does the air in the room feel on your skin? What is the humidity level in the room? How do your arms feel? Does your body feel light? Does it feel heavy? Does it feel comfortable? How do the clothes on your body feel? Are they tight? Comfortable? Loose? Thin? Heavy?

Sight: What do you see? Look at your computer screen and take it all in. Take in the key board. Look around the room and take a few seconds to do this slowly. How much green do you see? What colors and textures do you see in the room? Do the things in the room represent you? How much organization do you have?

Smell: Take a deep breath and feel the breath filling up your lungs. What do you smell? Feel the air swooshing past the hair in your nostrils and down your throat. How does the weight of the air feel in your nose and in your lungs?

Sound: What do you hear? Music? An air conditioner? A heater? The sound of the TV in the background? The whirl of the computer?

Inside your body: What is going on inside your body?  Scan your body from head to toe and see what consistent recurring pains you have. Does your neck hurt all the time? Your shoulders? Your lower back?

Enjoy the various sensations in your body.

This exercise is designed to create awareness for the things that you take for granted.

The intention here is for you to notice what is already there that you are not paying attention to.

Now pay attention to your brain. What are your thoughts? What is weighing your brain down? What thoughts do you keep thinking that no longer serve you?

“When most people hear the word meditation, they often think of transcendental meditation or similar practices used to evoke the relaxation response…In the practice of mindfulness, you begin by utilizing one-pointed attention to cultivate calmness and stability, but then you move beyond that by introducing a wider scope to the observing, as well as an element of inquiry. When thoughts or feelings come up in your mind, you don’t ignore them or suppress them, nor do you analyze or judge their content. Rather, you simply note any thoughts as they occur as best you can and observe them intentionally but nonjudgmentally, moment by moment, as events in the field of your awareness.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn Ph.D.

What are the sensations you experienced when you did this exercise?

How is your sense of well being now?

We often associate developing awareness with certain illnesses or causes: Breast Cancer Awareness, Lung cancer awareness, etc. But how about “You” awareness? Being aware of who you are and what you stand for?

Any of the changes you want to make in your life, you cannot make the changes unless you are aware of where you are right now and what is going on with you.

The key to this is to practice awareness.

What are some of the ways that you practice awareness?

Do you believe that practicing self awareness will help you grow?