That’s my new name, Mia. Missing In Action.I know, I haven’t been blogging or even present on Twitter and Facebook–it’s this program I’m on, no for real.  I’ve become a hermit, boring hermit mind you. Let me stop, drop and reverse…

A month ago I started my journey to lose weight (see Battle of the Bulge) and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I began with Body by Laser and then discovered that I am the type that needs a specific eating regimen. So, I found Ideal Protein through two friends. This program is based on bringing your body into Ketosis through pre-made food and a specific eating plan in three phases. Here is the jist of it. You stay on Phase 1 to lose most of your weight. You eat three Ideal Protein packets a day breakfast, lunch and a snack. Dinner consists of 8 ozs of protein and 2 cups of veggies oh and you also have to eat 2 cups of veggies with your lunch as well.
What I like about it is that there is no calorie counting–measuring is much easier. There is a pretty good variety of pre-made food to choose from–pancakes, soups,shakes,  spaghetti, chili crispy cereal to name a few.

Broccoli Cheese Soup

Chocolate Shake

It also comes with supplements  a plus guidelines and rules which include legal and illegal proteins, veggies and condiments. You must also drink a minimum of 8 8oz glasses of water per day and consume ½ teaspoon of sea salt and 2 teaspoons of olive oil. I have a little edge over some on this program because I like to cook so I got creative using the guidelines I was given.

My 8oz protein & 2 cups veggies

Another yummy dinner

During this phase you should not exercise because it may be counter productive to what your body is trying to do, so for couch potatoes, it’s perfect. I realized during this phase that it was not synchronizing with my Body by Laser program in which I had to work out so I stopped laser treatments.  You also keep a food diary and have weekly weigh in and measurements.

My friends told me that after the first week, you will lose about 3-4 lbs. At my first weigh in–nada. Of course I was disappointed however, I picked up my packets and stuck with it. At the second weigh in I only lost two lbs so I decided to stay on Phase 1 another week. On the second day of week three that’s when the magic started to happen…I decided that I was going to bump myself to Phase 2–which is packet for breakfast and snack, then two meals with 8oz. of protein and two cups of veggies. And at this point I could start working out, not all out–at least more physical activity.

So that’s why I’ve been Mia. I wake up,make a packet, go to work either make a packet or eat my home lunch. Go home, work out ,cook my 8oz of protein and two cup of veggies, watch tv, go sleep and it allll starts over again. I do have a lot of energy and I feel great. The only other thing is I’ve really reached kupuna status. I get up really early to go for a walk or do yoga and that means, I go to sleep earlier. Yeah, you see how exciting that is?

FYI I am on Phase 3–stay tuned….

I am a gay man magnet and I love it.  If there is a gay man at a bar or party, I can guarantee you that he will be at my side by the end of the evening. Don’t get me wrong, I have many LBGQT  friends, it’s just I especially attract gay men. And yes, I do have extremely exceptional gaydar.

In the 80’s you called me a “Fag Hag” the 90’s a “Fruit Fly.”  Nowadays I am  affectionately known as a “ Muffy Magnet.”

The gay man is truly a designer accessory and all women should have one.  Don’t think that I coined that phrase—I probably ripped that off somewhere.  They tell you how fabulous and beautiful you are, give fashion tips, rip your enemies to shreds AND THEN buy you cocktails.  How can you go wrong?  I have the luxury of having a trunk full of gay men as besties. Or should I have said closet full?  Kathy Griffin has her “Main Gays” I have the “HUs” here on Maui. You know, MaHUs? Oh and let’s not forget the entourage in Honolulu-they’re called the OaHUs.  BTW  don’t get this confused with Dr. Seuss.

My friends think maybe this is why I’m single.  I am so busy with the HU’s there’s no room for anyone else. A very good point.

p.s. if you have any suggestions for a new description of a straight girl who hangs with gay men, message me…Muffy Magnet is sooo the 2000s!

Dr. Anthony is very thorough and explains the whole laser process itself and what I needed to do on my side to achieve the results I wanted. He even provides you with supplements to enhance the treatments! I decided that I only wanted to do my midsection(if you know me, I do have chicken legs-Cluck cluck) so we took measurements Waist 29″ abdomen 33″ hips 35″ .  Yeah, now you know exactly what’s under these “tents” I’ve been wearing, give me some points at least for baring it all.

Moving on…we decided I would do four treatments a week, starting that night.  First I go on the Noblerex K1 Platinum shaker for 5 minutes. which has multiple benefits and for my program, specifically to promote lymphatic drainage.  Then I go on the Yolo Curve Lipolaser which have these panels that uses lasers to penetrate the skin to get to your fat cells.

Panels

Yolo Curve

After the panels are put on your “problem areas” you go back on the shaker for 20 minutes. For two hours your fat cells are open and it’s best to exercise and drink lots of water so you can flush out the fat!  Wait! that’s not all…Dr Anthony gives you nutritional guidelines and supplements to assist in your fat loss.

Here are the main points I need to follow :

1.  No alcohol
2. No caffeine
3. You need to exercise!
4.  You need to drink lots of water to flush out your fat and toxins!
5. Follow Your Nutrition Protocol & use the supplements

I’m doing pretty well, the only thing that’s funky are the chia seeds. I need to take two tablespoons  soaked in water half hour before my meals. Not only does it fill you up, it has more Omega-3s than salmon, more fiber than flax seeds and more antioxidants than blueberries.    When you soak it in water, the seeds plump up with a gel like coating that reminds me of the seeds in a papaya.  The first time I drank it was really hard going down, imagine clumpy jello slithering down your throat. YUCK. Serves me right, didn’t read all the instructions…hellerr USE A STRAW!

These are not amoeba!

Luckily my friend Yoga Girl gave me some tips on how to make it into a low fat/low cal pudding that was pretty tasty. However, I doubt if I will put it on my “favorite dessert” list.

As I said, the program does take some work. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to look in a mirror again soon…my hair must be a mess.

p.s gonna weigh in and take measurements this week!

I’m tired of being a “fat girl.”  I know, you’ve heard this before, this time–I’m serious.

I guess all my life I have been obsessed with my weight. I couldn’t understand why until a couple years ago I realized, so is my mother. She is a very petite 5’3” and 113 lbs. Well, she freaks out when she goes up to 116 lbs (on our trips to Vegas) and she insists that she wears a size Medium or sometimes Large blouse/shirt. It’s incredible how as much as we try not to be our parents, sometimes it just happens (and that my friends is definitely another blog)

Anyway, no matter how much weight I lose, I still think I’m fat. I remember in college when I was modeling (yeah, believe it or not) I went down to 100 lbs. and my goal was to weigh 99lbs. Cuckoo.  I can admit that now, however my idea of skinny is to be able to hide behind a coconut tree. Yeah, Cuckoo. BTW, my whole fat perception only pertains to me, I really do admire anyone who is comfortable with their body image.

Over the years here on Maui, I have become Oprah with the yo-yo weight gain and lose game.  I have done so many weight loss programs…Master Cleanse, Isagenix, Flat Belly Diet, South Beach Diet, Somersize and all those stuff on the infomercials. They are pretty extreme and if you go back to your old habits, the weight comes back on–especially in your problem areas. Well, two months ago I found myself the fattest that I had been since the “Freshman 15lbs”  a whopping 137lbs. This may not seem a lot to you, however when you are standing next to 17 yr old girls in coconuts, you need to fit in on the dance line. It was bad, my friends and co-workers said they couldn’t tell–that’s because I had become master of camouflaging my fat, to the point where I should probably teach a class. How did it get that bad? I hurt my knee in March and hadn’t surfed or really exercised plus the eating out and cocktailing can really add up. I had been ignoring the signs as well, you know, clothes getting tight, excuses for not going to the beach, most of all, I had been avoiding mirrors and cameras.  I know exactly how Samantha felt in Sex in the City Movie.

In July I started the USANA program and did well for two weeks until my trip to San Diego. Then went on Isagenix to jump start my weight loss then set back with a trip to Las Vegas in August. If it wasn’t one thing then another and now it’s September. I felt defeated…then I randomly picked up an issue of Maui Time and opened up the first page and saw the ad for Body by Laser and booked a consultation with Dr. Anthony Jayswal. I decided that I was going to do it along with an eating regimen called Ideal Protein.  These two programs change your lifestyle and implement and exercise regimen, its not easy. Stay tuned as I report on my progress and what this whole thing entails…if I fail, I guess I’m gonna need to invest in mu’u mu’u…how fitting as I will probably be as big as a cow! Moo Moo!

p.s. I leave you with this poem The Fat Suit

There is no dim sum in Maui. Oh please, I love Dragon Dragon but I don’t count their five offerings off the menu–you need carts. So when I went home to Honolulu ( yes, I still call that home) I asked my good friend the PR Diva where I could get great dim sum? I expected the usual culprits…Happy Days Inn, Mei Sum, Golden..something (haha) however she named a restaurant near Chinatown that I had never heard of.  Wanting to get my dim sum fix, of course I asked her to take me.

I arrived early (before our meeting time of 1:30pm) and was happy to claim a table…little did I know. The carts were going around but I really wanted to wait for the PR Diva because this time, I was ready to break out of my comfort zone and try the dishes that she suggested. After she arrived the waitress came over and actually took our order, luckily PR Diva requested the dim sum by their Chinese names which gave it more clout. There was confusion with the carts coming around and us saying we ordered certain things that never came however I did adventure out and try the chicken feet. Yes CoCo ate chicken feet–well I tried to eat it and I did however it was a good try.

Well I don’t know what the protocol on how long the dim sum service is but after a while the carts stopped coming. Then someone took away the condiments and after we did get more dishes I asked for more  shoyu, mustard and hot sauce. The attendant brought three little dishes of each instead of bringing back the condiment tray.  Ok, I feel you I have been a server wanting to get rid of customers and trying to do all my side duties like replenishing condiment trays for  the next day…
We then noticed only one big party and us. So then we figured take the hint…the restaurant service was done…in the next 10 minutes, there were  two other tables of 10. So enthralled in conversation, we didn’t really care.  At this point we wanted dessert so we flagged down someone to order mini custard pies which I found out from PR Diva was called” dan tat”.

Well sister never came back–at this point we had been in deep conversation and then we looked around and saw that the woman we ordered from was sitting at that two other tables eating…yes the two other tables were all employees.

She never came back..it reminded me of a Seinfeld episode of the “Soup Nazi”  No soup for you! Ok.. No “Dan tat for CoCo.” Oh well…and the people in the white shirts are all the employees!

My friend recently got married…she’s 24.  It happened all of a sudden. She met a guy, they dated for five months, she moved in then six weeks later BOOM! They decided to get married, at first her family and friends were shocked, some questioning. some supportive.  I, of course was the latter.  If you know, you know!  What does Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) say? if you don’t know if you want to marry someone in the first couple months…you never will.  This made me question what I was doing with my unboyfriend. I mean, I didn’t even think of asking him to come with me to the wedding??? I guess I am really single.

Anyway, the  wedding reception was at their house and so I sat with another friend from work and her family.  Luckily there were no seating assignments or I might have found myself on the dreaded misfit’s “singles table.” Well, there were four other seats at our table then wouldn’t you know…four single guys sat down on the empty seats.  So the whole table started chit chatting and I shared that I had made some items on the buffet line–the mac & cheese, spinach rolls and corn bread.  Well, after we all got our plates one guy said that the mac & cheese was the best he ever had.  The other guy said that corn bread was his favorite, another took ten spinach rolls and the last one put his head down and devoured everything that I had made.  Wow, what a boost to my ego!

Our table was the most fun, the guys were attentive,my friend and her family knew them..great conversation–we all were having s a really good time.  Then the bewtiching  hour came–8:30pm and it was time for me and them to go home. Uh yeah, it seems really early for you all however it was a school night, literally.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the boys (literally) were age ranged five to eight years old. I guess they heard I date younger guys and I cook.  (did I mention I used to be an elementary school teacher?) Oh well that’s the story of my life. Hahahaha.

Ok so over the past months I have tweeted and posted about my “fake boyfriend” and  my “un-boyfriend.” Which brings me to really ask,” What the heck each term means?”  At first, I thought that the “Fake BF” was one that you didn’t want to acknowledge a relationship and your friends didn’t either. The “UB ( Un Boyfriend) was someone that you acknowledged you have a relationship with each other however not with anyone else. WRONG or maybe not, you can still help define it. I’m not sure that my being “Queen of the Gay Men” has an influence of these definitions. There are many more factors and labels that come into place. HELP!

Booty Call-Uh yeah, lets address this… you met one night–one person or both calls the other and you don’t know the person’s last name, occupation, birthday etc… just the phone number and of course, where one of you lives. AND of course, don’t let the door hit you on the way out no matter what time it is.

Elevated Booty Call- you know the general info about each other however you find yourself only meeting late nite in seedy bars pretending it’s dates and the door still hits you on the way out.

Dating- Can start as a booty call however, he actually takes you to dinner or lunch and there’s plans for another scheduled interlude that doesn’t happen after hours.  A friend of mine said that after 6 so many planned “dates” that not necessarily includes sex, a progression and “talk” should happen.

Fake Boyfriend- customarily a gay man going to dinner, drinks or any function that you may want an escort. I personally have had Fake BF status with heterosexual males, however I don’t really know at the time if they had an agenda.  The consensus is that straight men can’t be “just friends” with straight women.

UnBoyfriend-The guy that you are going out with and hasn’t met your friends…your friends tease you that it is a made up guy so they won’t try to set you up with the guy with the “great personality.”

Real Boyfriend-sorry gang, it’s been so long I can’t remember what that definition is.

So help me define all these terms…or do I need to change them, add some others?  HELP!

The other day  I got up and my eyes were literally glued together. I couldn’t understand why. I wasn’t sick, my eyes weren’t swollen, no pink eye.  ?????  When I got to work my co-workers were all talking about the vog and how bad it was. Sure enough I looked out toward Lana’i and the haze was so thick, Lana’i was only a slight outline in the distance. (Did I mention that my office is ocean front? well, I guess you get the picture you can turn green with envy later) Anyway I started to wonder if it was the vog that caused my sticky eyes?

Surfer Girl could feel an on coming migraine and two others were complaining about sinuses.  Could it be the dastardly vog? Come to think of it, Haole Girl gets an uncomfortable skin rash and another friend has been off from work for two months. I was curious, were there many researches done on the effects of vog? ? No. I went on line and zip, nada, well none that can definitely give a signed sealed delivered stamped finding.

Then it got me thinking…is vog the THE new excuse that may replace all time favorites like “My dog ate my homework?”

Hmm…So it got me thinking… if you’re late for work—Blame it on the Vog, you get pulled over for speeding, you ate the last piece of cake, you forgot to pay your phone bill, you missed your dentist appointment,  and of course you kissed THAT guy–by all means, Blame it on the Vog.

I clean my closet out at least twice a year.  I usually give it to the regulars, my Filipino mommy, Haole Girl, and CJ.  My Filipino mommy sends the clothes to her family in the Philippines and I often see my personal fashion show on Haole Girl and CJ.  I never really thought about what happens to the clothes if they don’t want it–until the other night.

The girls met at R&B Black Angus Steakhouse ,I mean come on…if you sit at the bar it’s 50% off pupu all night. As it was time to leave, one of my posse gave me a ride home and on the way she shared that she had clothes that she wanted to giveaway and asked if I wanted it. Ok, normally I would have jumped at the chance– the only thing stopping  me was the fact that we weren’t really the same size. Not that she was big…I mean she was just way taller than me.  Anyway I accepted her offerings with grace since she was so insistent and thought what the heck? I can give it away. Still the thought of new clothes piqued my curiosity  I couldn’t wait…so I greedily opened the Safeway bag and spilled the contents on the bed. The clothes were too big…

The next day my trusty gay entourage called me for “girl time.” The “girls” that I was going to meet were what I could call more voluptuous than me so of course…I brought the clothes.

The next day I got  a gushing post on Facebook from them saying how much they “luv, luv luv the clothes.”  Then it dawned on me–what if my friend was shopping in Safeway, innocently walking through the pasta aisle when low and behold she sees her  white halter with turquoise beading on my ‘tranny?” Honestly, she may be jaw dropping horrified for an instant( the image is cracking me up right now) however you really have no say in it… bottom line, you gave it away.

So the next time you clean out your closet, be ready for the homeless beer sluggin chick hanging out at 505 to be sporting one of your mini skirts…