Heartbeat

An Open Letter To Mary Kom

2012-08-08T21:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Mary

There are moments in life when you want to dig a hole and bury yourself in it. I am doing just that right now but I am not able to dig a hole deep enough. My toes are touching the core of the Earth, yet, I feel largely naked with embarrassment. Why? Cuz I just saw you crying, apologizing to the nation for not winning a bigger medal for us.

No Mary no! You do not owe us anything. We do not deserve it. I want to say how proud I am of what you have accomplished, but I have no reason to associate myself with your phenomenal achievement. In fact, most Indians have no business reveling in your moment of glory. It is yours and yours alone.

Manipur, your homeland, has only received a step-child treatment from its motherland. Your brothers and sisters are fighting everyday to be considered an equal part of the country. A women in your state has not eaten in 12 years to protest the atrocities committed on your people. But we don't care. We send movie stars to carry the olympic torch. Some of us are willing to gatecrash your moments of pride for our 15 seconds of fame. But when you win a medal, we can't stop staking our claim on it.

So all I can say is, congratulations. Your twins should be so proud to have a mother like you. I apologize on behalf of the country that we share for repeatedly letting you and your neighbors down. And I apologize for the things we are about to do. We will discuss Manipur for a week to keep the association alive. We'll give your people hope that perhaps, finally, the country has woken up to your plights. But once the confetti settles, the cameras will leave, and so would the men in whites.

What upsets me is, you'll still be smiling at the end of it, taking this slap in the face like you have been taking all the punches. Thank you for showing us that it means to have a big heart, though anyone who has seen even a minute of you in the ring would already know.

God bless you, Mary.

Love, laughter
Nitesh

Why does India not win Olympic Medals

2012-07-29T23:44:00.002-07:00

In 2000 words:

Source: India Today

Source: CNN IBN

This is not a post, it's a Citi moment of literary nadir

2009-04-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

Welcome to the second edition of DFL Indian Premier League. We are here in South Africa for the opening day of the DFL IPL and this year promises to be even better than the last.

The atmosphere today was electrifying, the crowds, great. In the words of my fellow commentary team, this IPL has been a roaring success even though only 2% of it is actually over.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

It was a day of the underdog. Mumbai Indians beat favorites Chennai Super Kings and Bangalore Royal Challengers beat the current Champions Rajasthan Royals.

Unlike the run blitz in the opening games of the IPL last year, this year saw relatively low scoring games. There were far fewer DLF Maximums this year than last year. I think this year is gonna be like that as the pitches in South Africa are not as flat as their Indian cousins. My advice to teams is to not strive for DLF Maximums all the time. Instead, try for Citi Moments of Success. It's a much better strategy this year.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Even the television broadcast of the IPL is gonna be different this year. Last year, people complained about lack of TV time prioritization with the cricket match often eating into their commercials. So this year the team has clearly allocated times for each segment of the broadcast. This allocation is illustrated below.

Hopefully this will put the complaints to rest.

Time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Another addition to IPL this year is the 7.5 minute mandatory 'strategy' break after 10 overs every innings. Teams are supposed to get together and strategize the next 45 minutes of play. Now this is important, especially if you have patients of short term memory loss in your team who need to be reminded every 45 minutes what needs to be done.

Let me assure you that the purpose of this break is not to put more ad slots in the game. BCCI would never jeopardize the fun of the game for commercial gains.

On that note, time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

Another interesting addition to the DLF IPL is the 'Bollywood Star' contest. In every game, a committee would choose a girl from the crowd as a potential bollywood star and after sleeping with each one of them after some competition, declare a winner who would get to star in a film with SRK i think. Now this is an excellent idea. Not only would it ensure that every woman in the crowd would give a smile as fake pretty as Shilpa Shetty's, it would also add meaning to something cricket cameramen always did anyway - focus on a pretty girl in the crowd. Win win!

So yes, the DLF IPL promises to be wonderful for the 3 Bs - BCCI, Bollywood, and Businesses .. and yeah, of course, cricket :D

To conclude, time now to thank our sponsors - DLF, Citibank, Vodafone, Hero Honda, Kingfisher.

No Humpty Dumpties please

2009-04-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

Let's say you live in a beautiful house! You have the prettiest woman in the world as your wife, and two adorable kids. Things are not safe in the city and so you and your neighbours decide to appoint a "neighbourhood watch committee" to look after the neighbourhood's security and keep the local goons out.

But, what happens is that the neighbourhood watch committee joins hands with the local goons. The goons break into your house at night, break your legs, rape your wife, and abduct your kids, probably to sell them off to the guys who run begging rackets.

How would you feel? Betrayed? The very people you trusted to protect you from evil actually joined hands with the devil to make your life hell!

As sad as that may be, every 4 years some of us are betrayed the same way by our political parties.

Take for example, in 1997 Uttar Pradesh state elections, some of us voted for the Bhartiya Janta Party not because we thought they were any good (In fact they had as many jokers as any other party), but to ward off the evil called Mayawati. But what happened? BJP joined hands with Mayawati's BSP and the fat bitch became the Chief Minister of the state.

So my question is, is it fair to allow these parties to join hands with whoever they want? Is it fair for, let's say, Samajwadi Party, to criticise the Congress party throughout their election campaign and then join hands with them just because Congress is the only party that has a real chance at forming the government?

Is it fair for the Right Wing Congress to join hands with the Left Parties and subjecting the country to a tug of war of policies at the top?

It defeats the very purpose of democracy when the political parties are not forced to obey their 'pre-election' stand after the elections.

Mulayam Singh Yadav, when questioned by CNN IBN recently on whether he'll support Congress or not said that "I'll decide after polls". Why.... Why? Why? Why? How would the Congress party be any different after polls? So let me rephrase Mr Yadav's words a little to reflect their right meaning

"Well, I would like to be the Prime Minister. But if my party and my allies are not able to get enough seats to have a real chance at the government, I'll support whoever has the chance because power is all I care about"

So to follow up with the Right to Reject that I proposed in my previous post, I suggest that to make the democratic process more fair all coalitions be announced before the elections.

Thanks to the Congress-BJP rivalry, the country has pretty much 2 power blocks - the UPA (Congress + allies) and the NDA (BJP + allies). All political parties must decide to join one of the two blocks before the elections. If they choose to stay independent, they can, but then they would not have the choice to join the UPA or NDA after the elections. They have the choice, however, to make whatever slime cocktail they want to make among themselves.

To those who feel it makes no sense, I'll be happy to hear why! Note that I'm not proposing a bi-party system. It's just not possible to have that in India. If you look at it, it is more of a tri-coalition system. The system allows every vote to have the impact that the voter intended to have.

Yes, I agree this is still not foolproof. If SP and BSP do not decide to join any of the major two coalitions, then they can still form a coalition and the voter who voted for SP to keep BSP out is betrayed. To that, all I have to say is vote for a UPA or NDA affiliated party if all you want to do is to keep BSP out [better still, hope that the right to reject becomes a reality]. The important thing, however, is that there IS a way. In our existing system there isn't.

But let's not forget that such a system would let fewer and fewer parties to sit on the fence like they are happily doing now! They'll have to take a stand, and stand by it throughout the course of the election and more importantly, AFTER it! So the next time I tie a lemon and chillies on my doorstep to ward off evil, at least I can be assured that they won't end up in the devil's lemonade!

Let's say no to these humpty dumpties. Unlike the story, they don't fall! The nation does!

The right to reject

2009-04-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

There has been enough said and written about the current crop of criminals politicians we have. A lot of us educated ones feel no one is deserving enough to be voted for. So we, of course, abstain from voting and get a (false) satisfaction that we, at least, did not partake in the election of a rodent.

But of course, by not voting, we are in a way helping the most evil of the evils. Because any vote FOR a competing candidate is a vote against the most evil one. That's how the math works.

But sometimes, I don't blame these people; thinking about the upcoming elections, I often ask myself who among the bunch of jokers we have as candidates do I want to vote for. Well, I'm always without an answer. One thing I know for certain, however, is who I do not want to lead this country - The blob of shit called Mayawati ... a woman who's convoy contains 36 cars, who spends millions on her statues around the capital, and has a Nazi salute for a greeting. More on the bitch in another post maybe..

So the only thing that motivates me to go to vote is to prevent her (that's mighty polite of me to use 'her' to refer to Mayawati, 'it' is a better article) from winning.

But then, who among the competing candidates do I vote for? Logic says her toughest competitor. But that may not be easy for the common man to determine. If let's say 100,000 of us vote for, say Congress, with the sole purpose of defeating Mayafatty, and eventually fatty wins by 90,000 votes with Samajwadi Party at #2, the 100,000 votes of ours have been wasted.

It is therefore, I suggest that the right to elect must be complimented by the right to reject. As a voter, I should be allowed to vote FOR a candidate, or vote AGAINST one. Voting against a candidate would mean - "I don't care who wins as long as it's not him/her."

So how do we decide the winner in such an election? Simple.

Case 1: If there is at least one candidate that has a net positive number of votes (i.e. FOR Votes - AGAINST votes) - The winner is the candidate with the highest net number of votes.

Case 2: If no candidate has a net positive number of votes - There is no winner. The seat is considered void and not included in the final counting of the seats. This is because we can't let a net negative candidate represent us. It is better to be not represeneted than to be represented by a pig in whites whose participation in the house will bring more harm than good.

Of course, what if there are too many of such void constituencies? Of course, there should be a tolerance level set. So if, say more than 1/3rds of our 500 odd seats are void, then elections would have to be reheld countrywide (you cannot have re-elections in just these void constituencies as voters are likely to be influenced by the results of the other constituencies). Furthermore, the rejected candidates in the void constituencies must not be allowed to stand for elections from the same constituency for the re-election to give the voters new choices.

Why I think the right to reject is better for democracy?

People who abstained from voting for the lack of a deserving candidate can now participate in the democratic process.

Void seats will keep away more evil people from the parliament than the current system does. Agreed it would raise the chances of a hung election which is a costly prospect, but the cost of a bad government is a lot higher.

It would not require of the minorities to unite and decide on a common candidate to defeat an opressive incumbent. The minority groups can, independently, fight the incumbent by rejection.

Questionable practices like bribing the voters, or inflammatory statements against a particular group would get their due in the voting process.

Obviously, cynics are quick to argue that our democratic process does people to choose to go to the voting venue and not vote for anyone. True, but it's not enough because our electorate system does not consider the % of people who voted. In fact, this 'going to the voting booth but not voting' compliments the right to reject very well. If the net number of people who do not vote for anyone is higher than the highest net positive candidate, the seat should be void.

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So what do you think? I know the right to reject will not fix everything, but it does fix a lot. Keeping the bad guys out is as important as letting the good ones in ..! So until that happens, I hope that some political party puts up a plant for elections. At least, when I vote for it, I know it'll do no harm ..

Religion above Law: Delhi-6 Un-Review

2009-02-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

The music CD of Delhi-6 has a mirror on the cover. The director wants to send a message, obviously. You succeed Mr Mehra because Delhi-6 the movie is a mirror of our society, especially a mirror of our relationship with God. Go watch it friends! You'll certainly be bored by some parts, but watch it. You'll certainly take a few things back home with you if you have even an iota of compassion or love for India.

There is a scene in Delhi-6 where an actor playing Lord Shiva on stage is dancing to entertain the chief guest of the act, the local MLA. Watching this, Abhishek Bachchan comments that 'Even the Gods know the power of the seat'. My reaction was - I wish!

The reality, I feel, is the exact opposite. In India, religion is always above law. Here anything goes in the name of religion. Religion is the opposite of HIV. It gives you immunity against anything and everything. You can go out and rape nuns, just because they participated in the conversion of a few Hindus into Christians. You can demolish a place of worship (also a national monument) just because some dickhead said that there used to be a temple there. You can set people on fire because some members of their community tore down your place of worship a decade ago. You can block railway tracks for hours because someone allegedly said something against your Guru.

Has there been one person put behind bars for these heinous crimes? Ermm.. NO!

Let's bring it down a notch lower - things that happen in our daily lives. How many times have you had to wait for an hour in the traffic just because some sonovabitch thinks that it is his right to go to his wedding location riding a horse with a battalion of guests high on marijuana, dancing in the middle of the road. The government imposes a fine if I don't wear seat belts. But what about these people? Why don't they get a fine? A fine for blocking the streets? A fine for carrying a naked electrical generator to power the atrocious lighting? A fine for dancing in the middle of a crowded road? A fine for noise pollution, thanks to the inevitably horrible singer who sounds like he's singing from his anus. Why so? Why no fine? Just because their religion says this is how the wedding should be held? Bullshit, right?

And what about the jagrans in the middle of the road? Why the f*** are these douche-bags allowed to encroach upon the whole road just to conduct an all night prayer? What happens if there is a fire somewhere? How would the fire-engine and the ambulance pass? What about the residents of the area who DO NOT WANT to F***ING PRAY ALL NIGHT and just want to sleep?

Why are helmets not compulsory for the Sikhs? The turban is their problem - they need to figure out how to accommodate the two. It's not the government's job to relax rules to accommodate religion.

The season of Ramadan is one another frustrating time, especially if you are out in the evening. Why are these people praying on the road? If the mosque is packed, go home and pray you freak. Again, what if an ambulance needs to pass?

Why do we still have the Islamic law? Why should a religion specific law be allowed to exist in this country? Why can a Muslim man marry 4 times when our constitution forbids polygamy?

Why do we allow places of worship that say "Hindus only" or "Muslims only"? Why do we allow religion specific quotas in certain universities?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Ironically, our symbol of Law is Themis - the ancient Greek Goddess of Justice"][/caption]

In the court of law, why am I asked to swear against the Bible, the Quran, the Gita, or the Guru Granth Sahib at the witness box? What does religion have to do with the judicial system, or even truth? Is lying in court only a crime if the oath of was made against a religious text?

Guys and gals, I'm not an iconoclast. I do dislike organized religions, but I have no problem with the people following them as long as they stay in the limits of common sense. E.g, I have no problems with people praying all night in a stadium. That doesn't harm anyone. But I have a problem with people praying in the middle of the road. It is a safety hazard. If people do that, they should be jailed/fined.

The foundation of a modern democratic society is an insurmountable rule of law that is common and equal for everyone. Unfortunately, our country has not been able to get that right. Religion is still paramount here. Nobody questions, and nobody complains. Why? Why don't we question this? Maybe we like it this this way - following religion over following the law. And why shouldn't we? The consequences of erring are insignificant, it gives us a false sense of righteousness, and gives us a metric to prove that we are better than others - all of which an equal society with a common rule of law does not allow.

A Thank-You letter to Pramod Muthalik: The True Indian Idol

2009-02-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr Muthalik

On behalf of all Indians who are proud of their culture, I hereby offer you my heartfelt thanks for preserving the dignity of our culture that has slowly but surely been erorded by the pollution of western ideas.

Valentine's day is a poison that mustn't be allowed to kill the morals of our society. People believe you are being an orthodox extremist pig by opposing the day. I am a youth of the contemporary Indian society and I tell you sir that you're not an orthodox extremist. I myself find Valentine's day highly vulgar - roses, teddies, and heart shaped balloons are the epitome of sleaze. God save our souls from such bad influence.

I totally agree with your stand that dating is not in our culture. I fully support your move to marry off any couple found cozying up on Valentine's Day. The youth of today needs to look at the love stories of our culture and mythology and not the west. The greatest love story of our culture is that of Lord Krishna and Radha. They should use that as an example. Lord Krishna and Radhaji never dated, did they? They never held hands in a garden or sang love songs! I'm 100% sure Radhaji and Lord Krishna married the moment they fell in love, which was when they just got out of their strollers. Look at the kids of today - want to date, sing love songs, sigh!

Some people have accused your people of hippocrisy and simple sexual frustration. They say your Ram Sene members care little about the Indian culture and want to disrupt Valentine's day just because they cannot get a girlfriend themselves. I disagree sir. Your guys may have missed the last stage of human evolution, but I can see the passion for Indian culture in their eyes. So what if they smoke and throw bidi/cigarette butts on the road or destroy the country's property. They never claimed they loved India, did they? They are simply preserving the culture. Manners and respect for public property is definitely not a part of culture.

I'm going to keep this letter short sir. English is a western language and so I guess you won't be able to understand a long letter. I'll end with just a simple request on behalf of all the well wishers of Indian culture.

Valentine's Day is just one of the many western products that have influenced our culture. Hitting it alone is not enough sir. We need to campaign against other products too. You seem to be my only hope.

I request you to campaign against cricket, cinema, english, computers, phones, electricity, automobiles, non-ayurvedic treatments like smallpox vaccine, and even democracy. All these western influences have totally messed up our people and diluted the Indian culture.

Sir, we need to take the fight to the next level and remove ALL, I repeat, ALL the western influences from our culture. Then we can live our dream of an ideal India - an India ruled by a king with a well organized caste system; an India where women have to burn themselves alive on the funeral pyre of her husband, her rightful end; an India where there is no electricity; an India where people ride bullocks and horses only; an India where millions of people die of infections, smallpox, and polio.

Together we can make it happen sir. Let me know how I can help.

With love regards

Nitesh

Image source: The Hindu (link)

Deshdrohi is a phenomenon: A movie un-review

2008-11-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

Every now and then there comes a movie that is so much more than moving images on a sheet of fabric - it's a phenomenon. It's a work of art that breaks all barriers and sets new standards of filmmaking. Its dialogs adorn the lexicons of the language of its times. It's plot, characters jump out of the screen and reside in the memories of its audience like real incidents, real people. It can bring about change - in people's beliefs, lifestyle, ambitions, imaginations, and in fact shape culture. It becomes a relic of our times.

When I look back at the 20 odd years of my life, The Matrix comes across as the foremost contender for such a phenomenon. Closer to home, it's definitely DDLJ (before you throw bricks at me for saying this, try to see how DDLJ, more than any other film of our generation, has affected us).

Two days back, I came face to face with another such phenomenon - DESHDROHI. A magnum opus par excellence by Kamaal R Khan (KRK).

The bias media has done it's best to ensure that the film is ridiculed by our people because the media makes its money from the SRKs and Aamirs and Kareenas. I'm sure that most of you, influenced by the bias media, decided to give the film a miss and are probably laughing at me for calling this film a phenomenon. But I have my reasons to call it so:

It's a work of art that breaks all barriers and sets new standards of filmmaking

Deshdrohi, first of all, is an environment friendly film. It accomplishes its green mission by recycling 30 year old, largely defunct cameras to shoot the film, instead of using new ones. This is a first of its kind initiative and a lesson for all other filmmakers who ignore the environment. Tech garbage is fast becoming an environmental hazard.

Deshdrohi was made with complete safety of the crew in mind, something that has been often compromised in our industry. If any of you have seen any behind the scenes shoots, you must have seen those tracks and cranes for panning and zooming shots. Now they are extremely dangerous - the camera trolly may derail, or the cameraman may fall off the crane. To ensure the crew's safety, the Deshdrohi team decided to forgo these risky setups, as evident from a scene where it's clear from the shaking picture that the cameraman is on foot.

Deshdrohi cared about grooming our country's future rather than relying on experts for everything. The random split second shots appearing out of nowhere and broken, incomplete scenes indicate that editing was done by a 5 year old playing with scissors for the first time. This is a welcome change for an industry that believes in just hiring the best people to make films. Hats off.

Deshdrohi dares to show reality. This reality is most glaring in the choreography. Instead of having unrealistic dance-steps no common man would ever do, the choreographers have chosen real life dance-steps straight out of the books of the lads who dance in front of a hindu baraat. To his credit, KRK dances to these steps exceedingly well, a complete natural. Watch out Roshan boy!

Deshdrohi sets new benchmarks in acting and appropriate casting. KRK, not only looks the part of a 20 something college boy, he delivers a consistent performance throughout. His performance is consistent in that he handles a gamut of emotions - love, anger, friendship, disgust, guilt with the same expressionless face and monotonic delivery. Such a consistency is rare in today's hype driven actors. He is more than ably supported by a stellar cast that includes Gracy Singh, Zulfikar Sayed, Hrishita Bhatt (marry me), and the Bhojpuri superstar Manoj Tiwari. Gracy Singh as the bike driving local goon; Zulfi as the hard-as-concrete, no-nonsense cop; Hrishita as the girl falling head over heals for KRK; and Manoj Tiwari as the city's most feared sharpshooter fit their parts to the T and deliver a knock-out performance.

Deshdrohi takes action to a whole new level. I am sure it'll do what The Matrix did for action in Hollywood. Manoj Tiwari's athleticism deserves special mention. Watch him in that scene where he jumps in that pool to beat up a goon. The amount of water that splashes out of the pool is a testimony to the guy's action skills. Even Gracy Singh surprises with some never-seen-before action sequences. Take her entry scene for example. Baddies are tormenting a pan-wala. Gracy Singh enters riding a motorbike, stops about 100 feat from the baddies, and throws her helmet at the baddy leader, pushing him about 10 feet back. Whoa! Real star, however, is KRK. Imagine this - KRK is hounded by baddies and one such baddy is at a distance, holding a gun. What does KRK do? Slide up to the baddy on his knees and puch him in the crotch. Breathtaking stuff!!

Deshdrohi, lastly, is a milestone in VFX technology. Two scenes deserve special mention. One is where Hrishita Bhatt confesses to KRK that she is truly madly deeply in love with him. Another one is where Gracy Singh's aunt tells KRK that he is exactly like the prince charming she had been imagining for her dear niece. These scenes were, beyond doubt, filmed with Hrishita and the aunt in front of a green screen with KRK added in through VFX. It's impossible to enact such a scene with seriousness otherwise.

Its dialogs would adorn the lexicons of the language of our time

If you've watched the trailers of Deshdrohi, you would have seen a glimpse of the pen magic at work in the film. Here are some dialogs from the film that are sure to make you stand up and applaud the wordsmiths responsible:

KRK, to a politician he is about to shoot - "Nathu Ram Godse ki kya majboori thi ki usne Gandhi ko maara? Koi nahin.. lekin main majboor hoon. Mujhe aapko maarna padega!"

KRK, introducing Gracy to a politician - "Yeh meri premika hai!"

Zulfi, insulting KRK upon the later's request to free Gracy - "Tu Raja se bikhari ban gaya?" (KRK's character's name is Raja)

KRK, in response to the above - "Hey inspector, mera naam Raj Kumar Yadav hai, aur Yadav hamesha Raja hota hai, kabhi bikhari nahin hota!" (with all the reservation going on, the man has a point)

KRK, regretting killing a goon in self defence - "Main use maarne se pehle mar kyon nahin gaya?" (Erm, well you did have the choice!)

KRK returns home late after spending the night with friends at an item song. His grand-dad, Avtar Gill is wide awake. When KRK asks him why he hadn't slept yet, Gill says - "Neend to aankhon ko aati hai beta. Jis ghar ka jawaan ladka raat raat bhar ghar na aaye, wahan aankhen to ghar ke bahar raah dekhti hain. Unme need kaise aayegi?"

Mukesh Tiwari has held Gracy hostage and has promised to release her if KRK kills the food minister. When KRK suspects that Tiwari may not keep his side of the promise, Tiwari assures KRK - "Main use jis kamre mein band karoonga, uski chaabi tumhare paas rahegi!" (Erm.. ok!)

Now these are just some of the gems that I remember. Trust me, there are many more. Don't be surprised if you find yourself using them in real life.

It's plot, characters jump out of the screen and reside in the memories of its audience like real incidents, real people

Deshdrohi is about a man Raja (played by KRK) from UP/Bihar who comes to Bombay accidently and is a subject of much humiliation at the hands of the Mumbaiites. He decides to take them on and later becomes a pawn at the hands of the corrupt politicians and the underworld, who are essentially the same thing. Eventually though, he cleans them up better than Lizol floor cleaner. He changes clothes at whim, even though he arrived in Mumbai sans luggage, money. He can walk into the food minister's office with a gun under his plastered hand and he can breach high level security of the Vice Chief Minister of the state with a gun held in hand. He can get a whole police force to put their guns down and make a politician confess his crimes on national TV by threatening to blow everyone up by detonating a plastic bomb he is wearing on his belt. Now, how can these characters and situations not be real? How can Raja be fictitious?

It can bring about change - in people's beliefs, lifestyle, ambitions, imaginations, and in fact shape culture

I don't know about others but the film definitely changed me

KRK as the lead actor showed me that no dream is too small. If he can be a lead hero in a bollywood film, then I can become the captain of the Indian cricket team too - someday, someday. I had totally given up on this ambition of mine, but now I feel I can do it.

Hrishita Bhatt (again, I repeat, marry me) falling head over heals for KRK changed my belief that I cannot get a good looking, sane girl to ever love me. It also strengthened my belief that most good looking girls are retarded.

A couple of scenes in the film changed my belief that the brother-sister relationship is forever. I no longer see my sisters in the same light as before. Consider this - early in the film Gracy Singh's brother gets shot in the chest. She leaves him for dead after some sob comments about sacrifice and runs away with KRK. Later in the film KRK gets shot, twice in the chest. Gracy somehow manages to find a pull-cart and carries KRK to the hospital. There he is saved by the doctors. Whoa.. sisters..!! My eves have been opened. This Rakhi wow for protection is a strictly one way affair.

Lastly, the film changed me at a philosophical level. For the last few days, I had been wasting a lot of time, spending away precious moments that I am going to regret on my deathbed. But I wasn't realizing my mistake. After sitting through this film for two and a half hours, I realized that I was wasting time on absolutely trashy things. I now want to spend my time wisely. I can't say exactly which part of the film gave me this realization. It was more like an epiphany after the film as I was riding back home.

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So well, my friends, I hope I need no more arguments to prove that Deshdrohi is indeed a phenomenon. It has every characteristic that makes films phenomenons. If you have not seen the film just because you are influenced by others, or because it is banned in your place, do the world a favor - go watch the film and be a part of this phenomenon. Years later, your children, grandchildren would envy us for having lived in a time this film was released, just like we envy those who lived when Elvis was alive or when Star Wars was made. You don't want to be regreting then. You don't want to tell them you did not see this film!! They'll laugh at you, just like you were laughing at me earlier.

Obama wins.. Oh bummer!

2008-11-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

Well, if you consume any form of media, you'll know by now that Barack Obama is the new president of the US of A. To repeat the oft-used adjective - this is HISTORIC. He is the first Afro-American to be the president of the United States (I'm certain Indian-Americans have already started dreaming of their turn.. politics is like hemoglobin for us).

Obama has been the darling of the media and the darling of most people I have had the pleasure of interacting with. He promises to be the change that America, they say, desperately needs. Most "experts" (read morons who think they know too much) believe he's better for the world and the United States.

Now honestly, I don't trust pre-election promises and emphatic speeches too much. Bill Clinton was as charming and as good a speaker as America has ever had. He was supposed to be a Listerine powered breath of fresh air, like Obama is supposed to be today. But then who knew that Clinton had trouble keeping his pants on and smoked marijuana (oh, correction - he never 'inhaled'). JFK, a person who Obama is often compared with, was again a pop celebrity like Obama is today. But then, probably under the influence of a gazillion kilos of medication he took everyday, he increased the US involvement in the Vietnam war by 20 folds.

So yes, I refuse to go by the hype, the promises. I hope Obama can walk the talk. My personal favorite was Sarah Palin. That woman is hot! And everytime I look at her I imagine Tina Fey, the woman most eligible to be my significant other. So that gives Sarah Palin extra brownie points. Before she came into picture, I was an Obama supporter just because Michelle Obama is much more attractive than Cindy McCain. But Sarah Palin made me switch.

Apart from her looks, Sarah Palin and John McCain would have been good for my health, if the old adage - "laughter is the best medicine" is anything to go by. I'll surely miss George Bush and Dick Cheney once they leave. Not a week passed without getting a video/email forward/news report of their douch-baggery - like shooting a friend while on a hunting trip, or spitting in public when no one's looking, or being unable to define sovereign. Bummer.. with Obama as the president, what'll happen to the jokes?

The only saving grace is the "gaffe-machine" Joe Biden who has the knack of blurting out something stupid at regular intervals. Biden reminds me of Nibbles, the diaper wearing grey mouse in Tom and Jerry, who gets into trouble frequently and has to be monitored by Jerry (Obama in this case) all the time. I'm hopeful Biden will keep us all entertained.

So yes, McCain - Palin would have been a better choice from the entertainment point-of-view. Sad it wasn't to be. Though I have to admit I am happy that Martin Luther King's dream has come true and a black man as indeed reached the pinnacle of, if I may say, world leadership.

Shame on You: Standard Chartered Bank

2008-11-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

They say "no man is an island" and sometimes being in India I wish this was untrue. I wish I could do everything myself - make my own electricity, have my own oil, own satellite into space for mobile connectivity, and own bank. The reason being - any kind of external interaction in this country brings me only frustration and headache. By external interaction, I mean, for example, opening a bank account, buying insurance, getting a haircut, buying a SIM etc etc.

In the last 3-4 months, I have, unfortunately, had the need to use these services and I am astonished at the lack of respect the companies offering these services have for their customers. My experiences have been so bad and so many that I'm forced to write a series of articles on them calling them the "Shame on you" series. I start with a probably unexpected contender - Standard Chartered (Stanchart) Bank.

Here is what happened:

I opened a savings account with Stanchart about 3 months back. Like most modern bank accounts I was entitled to a debit card with my account for which the bloody bank was charging me close to Rs 250 (USD 5) per annum. A month passed and no signs of the card. I called phone banking to register my complaint. After truckloads of promises and apologies, I was assured of a card in a week's time. I didn't get the card.

I called once more and again the same thing - apologies and promises. Still no card. I called a third time. Same thing. It was like a TV soap - same thing again and again. As luck would have it I got a call from some random female from the Stanchart survey department asking me about the extent of awesomeness of my banking experience. My guess is my call would be her last for the day.

So after a total of 4 complaints, still no sign of the card. Without a card these days, a bank account is as good as my personal piggy bank, minus the interest which is anyway offset by bank fines and fees (like fee for counting money for cash deposits - you are a bank, you f***ing morons, what else are you expected to do). In fact, Stanchart's customer service number is not toll free so I spent like a 100 bucks on customer service calls.

Having had enough, I headed over to the bank to close my account. The reason I opened a Stanchart account was to avoid the headaches normally associated with public banks like SBI, and to avoid the evil of blood suckers like ICICI. Bravo, Stanchart has the worst of both - the inconvenience and evil both packaged in one. If this was SBI, I would have relented. Not here.

Of course, as Murphy said it, there was an ultra pretty looking chick at the counter (ok, I have to give it to the Stanchart HR if not their customer support). She was new and she requested that I give her a chance to fix the problem (and probably a chance for her to win like a gold star or something from the manager). In a rare case of brains above balls testosterone, I declined the offer and categorically asked for an account closure.

Here is the funny irritating thing - Stanchart wasn't too sorry about what they did. In fact the crackheads asked me why I did not come to the bank brach straight instead of calling phone banking. I had 3 things to say:

F*** you

Why on earth do you have phone banking then if I need to come over to the branch for stuff like this? My guess is Stanchart runs a call-girl service under the pretext of phone banking.

I had already been to the bank a week after I opened my account to fix my personal profile. The illiterate retards handling the admin stuff got my email, telephone number, address all wrong, rendering me incapable of even using e-banking. It took them like 2 weeks to fix that. Bank lobbies are not my idea of a lounge and so I don't like to come over every week for some bloody fault of YOURS.

Ah well, like it happens with most institutions here (and even people), they choose arrogance over dignity and simply charge me 500 bucks for premature closure of account (less than 6 months). My ballsTestosterone overpowered my brain this time and not wanting to create a scene in front of the pretty chick, I simply paid it (I regret it now, honestly, damn women!).

So there it is - my banking experience with Stanchart. 3 months of headache, waste of time, money, and energy - precisely the things a bank is supposed to preserve with its services. Seriously, if you or anyone you know plans to bank with these shitheads at Stanchart please refrain. As I said, it's probably more convenient to buy a piggy bank and keep money at home than to leave them with these incompetent jerks.

So, except for the pretty girl at the counter (muah!!), shame on you Stanchart, shame on you. All I hope this that you have shitloads of a certain kind of investment that has been in the news recently.

The Amnesia Dilemma

2008-10-19T03:06:00.000-07:00

Just like the Chocolate Dilemma earlier, another question has been bothering me lately. Consider this scenario:

Jack and Rose are a happily married couple. They are truly, madly, deeply in love. Adam, Rose's college friend, has a thing for her but Rose is simply in love with Jack. Rose loses her memory in a freaky accident. The new Rose, though still Jack's wife, has no feelings for Jack. In fact, she now loves Adam.

My question is - what's the right thing? By right, I mean not only for Rose, but for, let's say, the universe. Should Rose continue to be with Jack, or should she start a new life with Adam?

The Importance of Being Sachin Tendulkar

2008-10-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I saw this film Being John Malkovich. The film is the pinnacle of fiction. It is about a guy who finds a tunnel to the conscience of a major filmstar - John Malkovich. You crawl through the tunnel and you end up inside Malkovich's head for like 15 minutes. Quite imaginative.

After the film, I asked myself the obvious question - if I could be someone else for 15 minutes, who would it be? Among the many people that I shortlisted, one of them being Brad Pitt, especially when he's home at night, I had in the list SACHIN TENDULKAR.

Why Sachin Tendulkar? For his talent? Popularity? Money? Success? Nope! I want to be Sachin Tendulkar because I want to know what it feels like to be a superhero.

Why do I think Sachin Tendulkar is a superhero? Surely not because of his 12,000 test runs, a record he made just yesterday, or his 39 test centuries. I'm sure Ricky Ponting will eclipse both records some day. Superheroes cannot be judged by statistics. No one knows how many baddies Superman killed. But Superman is a superhero because we know that he'll come to the rescue when the baddies arrive. It is for the same reason that Sachin Tendulkar is a superhero.

Every time he goes on to bat, the whole of India, if not the whole world that watches cricket, cheers, as if a gladiator has walked into an arena full of hungry tigers. The pious ones pray to God. The more pious ones put vermillion on the television screen (not kidding). The hysterical ones watch every ball he faces from behind a pillow bunker as if their eyes shot rays of misfortune that'll go through the TV screen and bowl Sachin out. No matter what the opposition does, as long as Sachin is out there, there's hope India can still win, even if it is mathematically impossible. Sachin is a superhero - he can even bend the rules of mathematics and take India to victory. Heck, Sachin can bend light.

The last bit my friends is what makes Sachin Tendulkar a superhero - not his money, records, or popularity - it's the hopes that he carries - the hopes of 20% of the world's population. My guess is all other superheroes combined don't have the burden of so many hopes, even if I account for the population of planet Krypton.

I wonder how this man can stand straight with so much on his shoulders. I wonder how he can afford to whack a 150 kmph Shoiab Akhtar ball in the air, well knowing that if he got out, he'll break more hearts than Aishwarya Rai did when she married that moron. Probably that makes him a superhero - faith in his powers. Spiderman doesn't fear that his web would snap - he just keeps somersaulting. Batman doesn't fear that his Batmobile is gonna crash while chasing baddies at 200 miles an hour. They both have faith in their abilities, much like Sachin has.

It is easy to criticize Sachin Tendulkar by citing his less than heroic 4th innings average, or his dismal average against big oppositions when chasing big scores - often the best indicators of a player's dependability. It is also easy to quote the performance of Ponting, Hayden, Hussey, Sangakkara, or Pietersen, and show how they are better. But it simply does not matter. This is not about proving that he is the best. He may or may not be. Remember Neo? The superhero from The Matrix? He was a superhero even before he killed a single agent. Why? Because people believed that he was their savior. With Sachin, it's the same. He may not have rescued India as often as a player of his talent should have, but people BELIEVE that he is the savior, the superhero. It's a question of perception. Sachin Tendulkar is a figure above logic.

So back to where I started - I really want to know what it feels like to be Sachin Tendulkar - walking into a stadium with chants of "Sachin, Sachin." What it feels like to hit a six or score a century in front of such a crowd. Also, I want to know how it feels like getting out cheaply in that stadium? Does it feel worse than watching Serena Williams in skimpy outfits? Worse than spending 5 minutes with an iPhone fanboy? Worse than Mayawati's face?

All I want is my tunnel. Sachin, I'm sure, can make this tunnel too.

One cup of yogurt at a time

2008-10-15T04:14:00.000-07:00

In a small village near Bogra in Bangladesh, a woman walks in with an umbrella and an insulated blue colored bag. In a scene reminiscent of the Pied Piper story, about a dozen children follow her. No, the bag does not have 3G iPhones in it! Instead, the bag contains 20 cups of Shokti Doi (Bengali for “Power Yogurt”), a cup of 80 grams of fortified yogurt that might just be a new social movement.

The foundations of this movement were laid in October 2005, when the Bangladesh based Grameen Group of Companies, lead by Nobel laureate Dr Muhammad Yunus, and Group Danone of France, a food and beverage powerhouse, decided to come together to improve the diet of rural Bangladeshi children. Shokti Doi was born in early 2007 out of this joint venture, conveniently called Grameen Danone.

Shokti Doi is no ordinary yogurt. From its ingredients, to pricing, to packaging, it is a remarkably well-designed product that offers something new to its target consumers – children.

First, the yogurt contains exactly the nutrients deficient in the daily diet of the Bangladeshi children. Danone conducted an extensive study of their eating habits from which it determined the nutrients they lack most. Shokti Doi was then fortified with these nutrients, which include vitamin A, iron, calcium, zinc, protein, and iodine.

Furthermore, the taste of the yogurt is in line with the tastes of the generally sweet-toothed Bangladeshis. To offset the “off” taste acquired from the fortifying ingredients, sugar from dates was added to the yogurt, a violation of the sugar-free policy of Danone yogurts worldwide. A number of permutations were worked on to get the taste right. This move ensured that the children would want to eat the yogurt.

Next, the product is affordable. Priced at 5 taka (approx 7 cents), Shokti Doi is much cheaper than normal yogurts in the market, let alone fortified ones.

So now, children in Bangladesh have access to an affordable health food that not only satisfies their nutritional needs but is tasty as well. This is unprecedented.

The wonder of this venture does not end there. Besides malnutrition, the Shokti Doi project aims to fight poverty by creating opportunities for local manpower.

The business follows a proximity model. This means that factories are small and service only a small area. The idea is to scatter many such factories across the country. This allows for distribution of the yogurt by local ladies instead of trucks. The automation in these factories is limited to increase the scope for employment. Furthermore, the ingredients of the yogurt like milk and dates are procured from farms run by the locals with the initial financing coming from the Grameen Bank itself.

The venture is also environmentally aware. The yogurt factories are solar powered and the yogurt cups are made of biodegradable cornstarch as opposed to plastic.

The fact that it is able to address such a multitude of issues makes Grameen Danone’s Shokti Doi initiative a form of social revolution. In fact, there is potential to do even more. Grameen Danone, for example, could use the Shokti Doi packaging to educate children. Simple thoughts like “Be Honest” and “Girls and Boys are equal” printed on the yogurt cup can be very effective pedagogical tools.

This is just a start. Malnutrition is a global problem. So far Grameen Danone has set up one factory in Bangladesh that serves just the district of Bogra. The road ahead for the venture will be to build more factories in Bangladesh and create a system that allows this venture to be scaled to other third world countries effectively.

One can also expect additions to the Shokti Doi family to fight typical forms of malnutrition in women and infants.

From the economics point of view, Grameen Danone is run as what Dr Yunus calls a “Social Business,” i.e., a "No Loss No Dividends" company with a social objective. Such a company works like a profit making company, but the margins are minimal and all the profits are channeled back to the business.

Social businesses, as exemplified by Grameen Danone, allow corporations to integrate social objectives with their core competences. Companies, instead of simply donating money to charity, can contribute to the society much more by using their know-how to build products for the poor.

Grameen Danone has opened up a market for food and beverage products aimed at the rural population, a segment of the market often ignored by the topmost players owing to the segment’s low purchasing power. One can now expect other players like Nestle and Unilever to introduce competing products, either as their own social businesses to fulfill their social responsibilities, or as traditional profit-making businesses if Grameen Danone does turn out to be a profitable venture.

This competition will allow for an expedited introduction of such products globally, more rural employment at better wages, more products, and more competitive prices. Poverty can be wrestled with and knocked out faster.

But until that happens, Grameen Danone is fighting it “one cup of yogurt at a time.”

And the Winner of the Singapore Grand Prix is ... Singapore

2008-09-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

2008 has been a fantastic year for sports

An Olympics that gave us the feats of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt

A Wimbledon that gave us arguably the best tennis game ever followed by a US open where a fallen hero silenced his doubters

A nailbiting finish to the English Premier League and the Champion's league

The inaugural Indian Premier League that has changed the face of world cricket

A Superbowl that gave us one of the most significant upsets in American Football history

And well, adding another feather to the cap of 2008 is the Singapore Grand Prix - the first after-dark race in the history of Formula 1. If any country could pull such a feat off, it had to be Singapore - a country that is synonymous to efficiency.

Singapore is the country version of Iridium when it comes to density. Carving out a race track from the city center in such a country is harder than getting Apple to approve you iPhone application. But well they did it, and in style. In fact, the circuit had a video-game..ish feel to it.

The cars looked great under the lights. I wish the cheerleaders were as good..!!

The circuit itself was enough overdose of awesomeness, but the awesomeness did not stop there. The race itself bordered on the "Britney Spears" mark on my awesomeness scale.

First, Felipe Massa, starting on pole, opined that he'll probably need more fuel than this car could contain - so he decided to take the fuel hose with the car. While that would have certainly made Doc Oc happy, the half-dragon-monster looking car did not go well with the high command and the already screwed driver was further penalized.

Secondly, Force India's Adrian Sutil, admitting to self that he cannot get Force India even 1 point this season (how lousy can you get.. I think if I sent a team of trishaws to F1 I would have won at least 1 point this season), decided to aim for Felipe Massa instead of the checkered flag. Unfortunately for him, Massa was faster than the Titanic and avoided the collision. Sutil, the iceberg, did not. Wham!!

At the end of the day, Fernando Alonso triumphed. That guy is so talented that if he drove for my trishaw team, we might even win the F1. Here, he was helped not only by his unmatched talent and the "ever-so-reliable" French engineering (:P), but also by Mercedes. Yes, the safety cars were all Mercs. Lewis Hamilton will not be a happy man.

'Twas great to see him on the podium receiving that winner's trophy that, though looking like a structure made out of defunct xylophones, was indeed pretty. Again, Singapore perfectionism at work!!

I wonder, however, how much fine the Singapore government would have imposed on the winning drivers for spilling champagne on the streets (and on Ruben Barrichello, who accidently threw his gloves in the Singapore river while attempting a rockstar maneuver of throwing stuff at fans). My guess - $200 each, at least.. oh wait, 200 is for spitting.. maybe 300!

Welome to Genius: A movie un-review of Welcome to Sajjanpur

2008-09-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Widow remarriage, organ transplant racket, corruption, superstition, land acquisition scam, electricity crisis - these are just some of the issues presented in Shyam Benegal's masterpiece - Welcome to Sajjanpur. In the two and a half hour film (a tad too long, I must confess,) Master Chef Benegal manages to cook so many issues together so seamlessly that you cannot help but marvel at the genius of the man.

With the fortunate exception of Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, recent comedies in Hindi cinema (thanks largely to Priyadarshan and Aneez Bazmee) can been essentially equated with a used diaper ( = full of shit.) But Welcome to Sajjanpur brings back sarite, dark comedy to our cinema, long forgotten post another masterpiece - Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron.

Sajjanpur is an important film. It is a film we all should watch because it puts faces to the news we see. We have all heard of the lack of educational qualifications of many of our national leaders, but when we actually see village politicians using thumbprints instead of signatures in Sajjanpur, the gravity of it all is suddenly brought before our eyes.

Similarly, we all hear about superstitious crap like having bad 'stars' which make girls unfit for marriage. But when we see the beautiful Vindhya being married off to a dog to release her of the bad omen she is destined to bring to her husband, the absurdity of astrology and superstitions is glaringly obvious.

The funny thing about Sajjanpur is that if it were made 30 years ago, baring a couple of references to Shahrukh Khan and a scene with a cellphone, the script could have stayed essentially the same.

Well, I'd request one and all to watch Sajjanpur, I'm sure that you'll come out of the theater smiling, but once the humor has faded, the film's darkness will haunt you.

[image courtesy: bollywoodhungama.com]

The economic crisis is a cultural issue

2008-09-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

If you are a consumer of any form of media - TV, radio, newsprint, internet, you'll know that economically the world is in deep shit, thanks primarily to the fact that the US of A has a new bowling arcade where investment banks are being used as bowling pins.

Here is a quick recap of what has happened over the last couple of months:

Bear Sterns, one of the largest global invest banks had to sell itself at $2 - less than the price of a Big Mac

Lehman Brothers, a 158 year old financial institution beat Michael Jackson to bankruptcy

Merill Lynch, another premiere global investment bank, had to sell itself to Bank of America to avoid the same fate as Lehman

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, 2 big financial institutions, brought neo-Communism to America when they were bought by the Federal Government to avoid a trip to the gutter

AIG, the 18th largest company in the world and one the world's larget insurance companies had to sell itself to the Federal Government to avoid claiming it's own life insurance

Wow, don't we have a story to tell our children/grandchildren..!!

The news media has

spent more hours than John McCain has spent breathing

used more ink than the amount of alcohol you need to drink in order to believe that the Mac is a better operating system

dedicated more bandwidth than facebook has to dedicate to empower lifeless morons to frigging 'poke' one another

trying to analyze economically why this happened. But what many have missed that this is not a totally economic screwup. There is a cultural problem here which has manifested itself to the tragedy that we are witnessing.
America is a country that lives on credit. It is easier to get credit in the country than to find Paris Hilton in a tabloid. The greed of the financial instution forces them to give credit easily, and the easily available credit makes people spend more than what they earn. To complete the vicious cycle, overspending, spoilt individuals need more credit which makes the financial institutions salivate more than I do while watching Britney Spears music videos.

Just take these following examples:

I went to the States in 2006. I got 2 unsolicited credit cards in my mail during my one year there. Both these credit cards boasted of liberal credit limits. Why send me the card? The bank guys think they are davinci's descendents. There are a lot of hidden fees and penalties on these cards with interest free periods much shorter than the industry standard. They hope that my cranium is full of jelly beans instead of a brain and I would end up using the card. Like most human beings I would err at some point of time and end up accumulating a lot of fine. Yay! The bank will be rich.Here is the problem - I had less than 3 months remaining in the US when these cards were sent to me. In all probablities I may never have needed to come back to the States. I could have easily spent $1,000 on my American dream - hookers, and leave the country for good. Even worse, I could have done this TWICE. This is greed at its ugliest best. They are willing to risk $1000 for a $35 late fee they might earn from me.

My friend and colleague Barack (not his real name, of course) lives on credit. He uses his monthly income to pay credit card bills of the previous month. It is not hard to see why he is in debt - he has his own house (not an apartment, a house - in California), 2 cars, large screen plasma TV with home theater system and he is not even working at a managerial position in his company.

Another friend of mine, Osama (again, not his real name), owns as many as 6 credit cards. He uses one to pay for the other and the endless cycle assures that he can perpetually be in debt.

The credit card debt in US is $2.56 trillian, with the credit card debt of an average household being over $8500 [Source: NYTimes].

Earlier this year, a 5 year old was granted a credit card by Bank of America. Gosh! [Source: CBS].

I focus on credit cards because I believe we can all relate to them. The investment banks that we are talking about these days are guilty of the same crime. Instead of the credit card they give credit in many different forms. It is a fabric of their culture to spend more than what they earn, spend on the speculation of earning, and take risks by giving credit to people who obviously cannot pay.

While I do want to sympathize with these banks, let's face the truth - this fate was their own calling. They deserved it. If you play with fire too much, you are bound to be smothered sooner or later. In fact, in my cruel opinion, this should have happened earlier for the benefit of one and all.

Now, I hope that the tanking of these banks is the wake up call the country needed to put its act together. I hope that the people and the financial institutions of America would now be more responsible with their money. I hope after this fall from grace, they'll rise from the ashes. I tell you, if they can, all this shit would be totally worth it!

When will this end?

2008-09-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

Another day, another bomb; another couple of dozen dead

Another victory for terror; another loss for religion

Another promise of security; another round of namecalling

Another prayer for peace; I ask, when will this end?

Let's all pray for the families whose love

And laughter has been snatched from them

By heartless roaches unfit for even

The most infested sewers of hell

Let's not let them win here

Let's jam the phone lines even more

Show that the bomb doesn't divide us

In fact we love more than ever before

The Chocolate Dilemma

2008-09-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Suppose you are in a remote village full of extremely poor people where children have not heard of such a thing called chocolate. My question is:

Is it right to offer chocolates to the children of the village?

The question may look extremely straightforward but it is not.

What's good about giving the chocolate

Of course, the children are going to relish the chocolate - all children do. You'll probably make their day!

What's bad about giving the chocolate

Think about it, the happiness is short lived. Once the chocolate is over, dissatisfaction will set in. By giving them the chocolate, you have introduced one more desirable thing in their lives that they cannot afford to buy. You'll probably make their condition worse!

Of course I am making certain assumptions about the maturity levels of the children. Maybe they are mature enough to live with the dissatisfaction. As kids we all had things we wanted but could not buy - like a Sony Playstation. But we did not spend our days and nights thinking about it. The dissatisfaction was short lived.

Probably these kids would stop thinking about chocolates pretty soon. They won't be dissatisfied for very long. The pleasure of eating one will outweigh the short amount of dissatisfaction thereafter.

But well, maybe they are not that mature! Maybe they WILL probably long for a chocolate.

What do YOU think? Is it right to give chocolates to these children?

Who are you.. Bill Gates?

2008-08-31T03:27:00.000-07:00

If you remember your high school biology, you'd know that there are 206 bones in the body. Well that's not true anymore, not, at least, for approximately 300 million Indians.

There is a 207th bone that they have - the CELL PHONE.

This bone can be seen dangling next to the ear at all times - while driving a car, riding a motorbike, watching a movie in a cinema hall, shitting, bathing, eating, and if surveys are to be believed, while making love as well.

My question to these people is:

Who are you.. Bill Gates? Do you make a gazillion dollars a second that you can't afford to postpone a phone call by a few minutes?

Is it so important to take a phone call that you can risk your life and the lives of those around you by riding a motorcycle as if you have half paralysis?

Is it so important to take a phone call that you cannot let others enjoy a movie in silence?

Is it so important to take a phone call that you are willing to sacrifice your privacy of having a bath, taking a leak or making love?

Unless this is a call from Amisha Patel who might just propose to you over the phone, I think it can wait another 10 minutes, can't it?

Now don't tell me you don't do this. I have seen people talking on the phone at public restrooms while taking a leak. I feel sorry for the person on the other side.. but then I think he himself is probably sitting in some cinema hall, disturbing others, and deserves this.

On the topic of etiquette, I think it is high time that our schools added a cellphone etiquette to the Moral Science class. To prevent students from sleeping/talking during class, the class could be conducted over the cell phone, a la Idea TV commercial. I am sure the kids will be wide awake. They just love the phone, don't they.

Why I say so is because even the most courteous among us become a tramp when it comes to cellphones. Seriously guys, it sucks to find out after a 5 minute monologue with a friend that he was texting his girlfriend while you were talking. Worse feeling than watching Rakhi Sawant host that stupid show of hers.

I have observed that the moment the phone rings, people just scamper to take their cellphone out of the pocket/bag. They might be in the middle of a conversation, but they don't care. Sometimes I wonder if cellphones in India are a time-bomb in disguise. If you don't pick the phone up within 2 rings .. BANG [All right you budding terrorists out there, now don't get ideas].

So people, just try and realize that your lack of cellphone etiquette can be really annoying. Show some respect, some courtesy for others around you. If the other person on phone is really that important, go be with him/her. Don't insult the people around you.

Also, please switch off your cellphone in places where the mere ringing of it can annoy people - cinema halls, hospitals, airplanes. Please please, show some concern about those around you.

Just remember:

IT CAN WAIT ANOTHER 10 MINUTES

The most pertinent question

2008-08-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

"... The violence in Greater Noida continues to grow. Today's violence lead to the death of 3 civilians and 1 policeman. Now let us hear from our news correspondent Ms XYZ."

Stumbling upon this story at 5pm on Star News while channel zapping, I decided to watch further, expecting some finer details on the violence in J&K. I was in for an unpleasant surprise.

The correspondent Ms XYZ, having just taken the time from the news anchor, barfs this with a smirk:

"You are talking about hearts breaking, but I am here to talk about hearts coming together. Salman Khan has admitted that he is going to marry Katrina Kaif."

I was rendered speechless. I wanted to crash my hands through the TV screen and strangle the bitch. But then I realized, how am I different from her? So much is going on in the country, yet I choose to write about Aamir Khan's endorsement of Monaco! I am as guilty as she is.

I changed the channel to Aaj Tak, where the news anchor claims,

"The most pertinent question is that why is Shah Rukh Khan mum. Why is he not answering Salman's accusations?"

No, there is a more pertinent question: WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="132" caption="Actually Sabse Dheere"][/caption]

Have we become to apathetic that issues outside the secret lives of celebrities fail to evoke any interest in us? Are TV channels like this because that is the only thing we care about?

No, I am not apathetic! I can't sleep properly at night when I read that a politician spent 1200 crore rupees in a park with her halogen lit statue in it, in a state where 2/3rds of the population does not have a electricity to light an electric bulb.

I think I have been a moron to restrict whatever little writing skill I have on issues that are irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

I want to ask the readers who are kind enough to come to this blog - would you come back if I wrote my mind about not just bollywood, but the issues affecting our country, our world, people? Would you? Or would this be the greenlight for you to flee?

I hope to use this space to speak my mind, not only about bollywood, but bigger issues as well. I hope you'd stay on board.

Missing Person Alert: Aamir Khan, age 42, colour fair, cropped hair.

2008-06-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dear All

With great regret I inform you that my Idol Aamir Khan is missing. I don’t know where he went. Please help me find him – I’ll be grateful.

Here is some information that will help you identify him:

Physical Characteristics

Color: Fair

Height: 5’5”

Age: 42

Hair: Cropped

Behavioural Characteristics

Leads an extremely private life; rarely appears on television

Is very careful what he says in public; his interviews are punctuated with long ums and ahs

Is extremely choosy with endorsements; endorses only the classist of products

Makes only one film at a time

Is not very social; doesn’t go for film premiers and parties

He was last seen in December 2007. Since then there has been no knowledge of his whereabouts. Anyone who finds him will be rewarded with lots of love and good wishes from me and many others like me.

Please be warned, however, that in your quest to find him, you might come across another person who claims to be Aamir Khan and shares the same physical characteristics. He has been seen since the time the real Aamir has been missing. But this faux-Aamir is every different. He…

Is now seen on TV every now and then. He even cut his birthday cake in front of TV cameras and revealed that his wife gave him a nice birthday card

Is so naïve that he openly jokes about his pet dog being named Shahrukh, apparently not foreseeing even once the inevitable media frenzy over such a comment

Is endorsing Monaco biscuits

Is shooting one film and producing two others at the same time

Was seen at the premier of Race – a hardcore masala film; claims that he likes the work of Abbas – Mustan (the masters of masala, often trash, films)

Don’t be fooled by this fake Aamir. Please find the real Aamir for me. However, if you do bump into the faux-Aamir, please do me a favour. Ask him a simple question:

WHY?

Ouch.. You Have Hurt My Sentiments..

2008-03-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

Feb 2008: Jodhaa Akbar is banned in Rajasthan and MP cos it is historically inaccurate. The inaccuracies have hurt the sentiments of the Rajputs and damaged their legacy.

Jan 2008: Hindu Makkal Katchi (HMK) file a complaint against Shreya Saran for wearing clothes that offended the Hindu culture on the silver jubilee celebration party of the film Sivaji. The actress has since then apologized for wearing skimpy outfits...

Dec 2007: Aaja Nachle is banned in many North Indian states because some words in one of its songs has hurt the sentiments of the dalits. TZP is banned in Vadodra because some youth activists are still unhappy with Aamir Khan over his statements on the Narmada dam.

It seems a month is not complete these days unless someone in bollywood hurts someone's sentiments only to be banned/sued/insulted by them.

My question is - are we really that sentimental? Are we more vulnerable than the glass crockery you buy on the roadside at the Sunday market, or a crate of eggs without its lid?

Of course we are not. We sedate innocent laborers and remove their kidneys. We rape women without a second thought. Our politicians spend 58 crore rupees of the state fund for buying marble elephants in Uttar Pradesh when more than half the state's children can't even afford to buy marbles to play with. Does this happen in a sentimental society? It doesn't..

The truth is, we are hypocrites. In fact, Indian should be a synonym for hypocrite. I should write to Oxford with that suggestion.

But then why all these bans and cases? The point is, we like to show we care, when we don't. And what better way to show we care than to take something awfully trivial against someone well known. Gives you the 15 seconds of fame, and makes the world believe that you actually care. Everybody has an ego to satisfy. All this protest works to satisfy the egos of the jobless people. They feel important when they ban a film, burn an effigy, or vandalize public property.

Secondly, freedom of speech and expression is a farce in this country. It's like you have the freedom to express as long as you don't say something against me. What effed up freedom is that? We can't take criticism, even the biggest superstar in the country, Amitabh Bachchan has to belittle Aamir Khan when Aamir criticises Bachchan's Black.

Lemme prove that to you by reiterating some of the bollywood controversies in recent memory:

JODHAA AKBAR CONTROVERSY (2008)

The leftover Rajputs in Rajasthan claim that Jodhaa was not Akbar's wife, but his daughter-in-law. In portraying her as Akbar's wife, they have hurt the sentiments of the Rajputs and their legacy. As a result, the film has been banned in Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh.

I say:

F*** you Rajputs. Seriously!

Firstly, no one can say what happened 400 years ago.

Secondly, does it really matter if someone potentially got some part of a 400 year old story of your ancestors wrong? If you were to say that my great grandfather had 3 concubines, would it make a difference to me? No! Seriously! I would not care if it were true or not my guess is most people won't.

Well you might say that my family does not have a great legacy. To that I'll say, what legacy are you Raj-fugging-puts talking about? When Jhansi ki Rani and Mangal Pandey were trying to oust the British, you mother f*****s were happily NEUTRAL, you neuters. You guys did not have the balls to fight the British. Don't give me bullshit about your legacy, cos in my opinion, it's pretty tainted anyway, aye?

Verdict:

Rajputs are douchebags, trying to create something out of nothing. Most historical films, including the hollywood classics like Braveheart and Gladiator, are part fact part fiction. These bastards don't get it.

I think Jodhaa Akbar should be banned for showing the Rajputs as skillful and honorable people cos from what I see of their present generation and what I have learnt about the laws of inheritance, it seems highly unlikely that the Rajputs had brains bigger than the battery of a wrist watch.

MP banned the film cos it did not want to lose out on the Rajput votes in the coming elections. Eff you all.. Rajput votes should not be counted in elections as they don't have the IQ to be considered fit to vote.

Bollywood should stop releasing films in Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh and let those rascals suffer.

SHREYA SARAN CONTROVERSY (2008)

The Hindu Makkal Katchi (HMK), some hindu group in Tamil Nadu, believed that the dress than Shreya (marry me please) wore for the silver jubilee celebrations of Sivaji (see photo) offended Hinduism. They filed a police complaint and the issue was even discussed in the parliament. Sugarpop Shreya had to apologize for her 'inappropriate attire'.

On your left is the objectionable dress. On your right is the dress Shreya wore in the film.

I say:

You call THAT obscene you dickheads? I don't see what's so obscene about this dress. Did you see the dresses she wore in Sivaji itself? Let me show some to you.
These dresses did not offend Hinduism, did they? You didn't think twice about booking Sivaji tickets for like 2 months before the film released? Didn't the trailers offend Hinduism? Of course you won't dare to ban a Rajni film cos you yourself want to see one, don't you?

And to all the MLA's. Eat shit you pigs. Seriously this country could use some discussion on matters like poverty, instead of Shreya darling's skirt length.

And seriously, where does Hinduism say that Hindu women should wear dresses that reach her ankle, if not 2 feet underground? Isn't Hinduism one of the only few religions that does not dictate what to wear, what to eat, what hairstyle to keep? In fact, is there even a guideline for being a Hindu? There isn't. Hinduism does not have a religious leader (like the Pope) and neither does it have a religious book that everyone must abide by (like the Quran). Where is it written that a dress like Shreya's is against the ideals of Hinduism? Show me monkey brains.

Verdict:

Our politicians are jobless (not that you did not know that already).

Even the so called devout Hindus do not understand what Hinduism is all about.

I think all the pretty girls from the North, East, and West should stop acting in South films. Let them enjoy their 200 pounders like Khusboo..!!

AAJA NACHLE CONTROVERSY (2007)

The film's title song had a line that went "mochi bhi khud ko sunaar samjhe" (i.e. even a cobbler thinks he's a goldsmith). This, according to some small party in Delhi and that bitch Mayawati, the CM of UP (sorry to all the bitches of the world for the insult), hurt the sentiments of the dalits. The film was eventually banned in Delhi and UP and a few other states I think.

Frankly I've heard the song a couple of times and I still can't figure out where the line is. Probably this is the edited version.

I say:

Hurt the sentiments of the dalits, you
think so? Do you think that cobbler on the street thinks about whether Yash Chopra thinks that his/her job is less important than the goldsmith's? Or does he think where his next meal is going to come from, or maybe where the next reservation is gonna come from?

You care for dalits you bitch? Didn't you just buy 58 crores worth of marble elephants to decorate the Ambedkar path in Lucknow when the state is languishing in poverty? Did you just not order 24 crore worth of Israeli security, to be paid for from the state funds? You care for the dalits, you bitch? Who are you friggin' kiddin'?

And seriously, how many people would have actually noticed the lyrics and would have thought - hey this insults the cobbler. I'm not saying that the lyrics did not mean anything derogatory to the cobblers. I guess they did. But the question is, didn't you just make it more conspicuous by telling the whole world about it. Don't you think the world would have just ignored the lyrics and would have not found anything derogatory in it? I used to sing the song "Roop Tera Mastana" for the longest time without ever paying attention the actual meaning of the lyrics until one fine day I realized the sexual connotation of the song. My point is that not everyone pays great attention to the lyrics of songs anyway, morons.

Verdict:

The whole hoo haa was nothing put political propaganda, and may be a display of power from shitheads like Mayawati. The whore simply wanted to show that she cares for the dalits, when in reality she won't give a rat's ass if these dalits ate less in a day than the rats in sewage that runs through her multi million dollar mansion.

Delhi and UP are full of douchebags. No one should release a film there. They don't deserve it.

TAARE ZAMEEN PAR (2007) AND FANAA (2006) CONTROVERSY

Some youth group in Gujarat did not allow these two Aamir films (TZP was later allowed) to be released in Gujarat because apparently the people of Gujarat were, take a guess, HURT by the statements made by Aamir Khan in support of the rehabilitation of the farmers who've lost their lands as a result of the construction of the Narmada dam. Cinema halls that did try to show the film were vandalized and the film buffs who contemplated going to nearby Maharashtra to see the film were threatened with their lives.

Here is 2 more minutes of fame for our dear jobless protestors.

I say:

Firstly, what wrong did Aamir say? Did he ever say build/don't build the dam? Wasn't he saying something that is only humane - rehabilitate the people whose livelihood is going to be impacted by the dam? Can't you bastards see that?

Secondly, if the people of Gujarat are so called hurt by Aamir's statements, let them choose not go for the film, and let it flop. Why the f*** are you not letting the theaters release the film? Where the heck is democracy? Where's the choice? From what I know, the common man does not give a damn (pun intended) about all this. He wants his 9-5 job, a pretty wife, cute kids, a bank balance, color TV with DVD player yada yada yada.. he doesn't care about what Aamir Khan thinks about a dam which more than half the population of Gujarat, I claim, doesn't even know what is about.

Thirdly, where were these sentiments when the government was openly pocketing the funds meant for the relief of the victims of the Gujarat earthquake? Don't tell me it never happened.

Verdict:

Again, a political move to show the people in Gujarat that the government cares about their sentiments. The funny part is that like most of the stuff above, the real people whose sentiments were supposedly hurt weren't really complaining. To curb the actual feelings of the people, these so called protectors of the sentiments of the Gujarat people resorted to violence. The question is, who was hurting the sentiments of the people of Gujarat - Aamir Khan or the youth group?

Gujarat has douchbags. We should not release our films in Gujarat.

SHOOTOUT AT LOKHANDWALA CONTROVERSY (2007)

The "Guru Gobind Singh Study Circle Media Study Center" and other Sikh organizations demanded that the film be banned because a scene which shows a group of Sikh terrorists shooting Abhishek Bachchan "tarnishes the image of the Sikh community in the world and affects the minds of the younger Sikh generation".

Pictures of Sikhs protesting in France for the freedom to wear a turban to school. Source: rediff.com. They want France to give them the freedom to wear the turban, when the religion itself does not. Most of the Sikh male friends that I know do not want to wear the turban nor keep long hair and beard.

I say:

Screw you GGSSCMSC and your other gay organizations. What do you want? A group of monkeys shooting the cop with a peanut launcher? The baddy has to be of some religion, gender, race. If for once, it's your religion then what the eff is your effing problem douchebags?

What do you make of the IQ of the world. You think people are going to say "Hey these Sikhs are terrorists because some jackass named Apoorva Lakhia said so in his movie?".. wake up morons.. don't think everyone is as stupid as you.

Do you know what Tarnishes your image? The fact that even in the 21st century you morons continue to dictate that people of your religion should not cut their hair.. that men must wear a turban that instantly identifies them as a Sikh. The fact that when a French government rightly bans this to promote secularism, you morons riot. Do you even understand why schools have uniforms? Not only so that kids from the same school can be identifiable, but because they want to promote unity, equality. They don't want Muslim girls turning up in Hijab, Sikh boys turning up in a pathan suit with a friggin' dagger, or Hindus turning up with kurtas with OM stamped all over them. The idea is that all people are the same. I remember in my school, all kids were the same, except for the Sikh boys, who could be identified from a distance of half a mile because of their turban. It's stuff like this that tarnishes your image, not some movie.

Also, you know the fact that Al-Qaeda dickheads wear a similar turban makes you guys look like terrorists more than anything else..

Verdict:

Again, stupid religious fanaticism. I was gonna say that Sikhs are douchebags, but I guess you know that if you've ever heard an Indian joke.

p.s. Something interesting - Chhota Rajan claims that Shootout had distorted facts. This is hilarious - a don claiming that you got some details about my crime wrong. Hmm.. what would he have said - "Hey dude, I did not use an AK47 to shoot that man. It was an AK56 with a silencer. Ok..? Get your facts right. And I did not fire 2 shots.. I fired 20.. understand?"

AAMIR KHAN AND MANDIRA BEDI FLAG CONTROVERSY (2007)

In two separate incidents, Aamir Khan and Mandira Bedi were accused of dishonoring the Indian Flag.

Aamir was the chief guest at an event where they had hoisted 11 Indian Flags. Apparently, as per the Indian Flag Code, the flag has to be taken down before sunset and the event organizers did not do so. So the Local Youth Congress got an arrest warrant against Aamir for dishonoring the flag.

Mandira "noodle strap" Bedi was summoned for wearing a saree which featured the Indian flag near the folds of her feet during her hosting duties at the world cup. The saree, by the way, had flags of all 16 nations. Since the Indian flag is not supposed to be worn on a saree, she's a criminal. The petition was filed by one Ajay Veer Singh.

The (in)famous saree. Source: ibnlive.com

I say:

See, how patriotic we are. Great guys great. This is what patriotism is all about - making sure that the flag code is followed because after all the flag is a national insignia. What can be a bigger showoff of patriotism? I bet that if Singh or the Local Youth Congress happen to overhear the National Anthem, they'd probably not bother standing to attention.

And secondly, is patriotism about national insignia? Is it not about loving your country, loving it's PEOPLE? Apparently not. I've never heard of a single good thing these local groups have ever done, besides burning effigies and vandalizing public property.

Thirdly, do you realize that the Indian Flag Code is the biggest piece of bullshit written (I guess the whole constitution is the biggest piece of bullshit ever written). It says a lot of stupid things. Until 6 years back, I could not hoist an Indian flag at home. Why? The code says that the flag can only be made of khadi; using any other material/fabric would be dishonoring it. But it's the 15th of August and I like to carry a paper flag in my hand on my way to the school on the rickshaw. You mean everytime I did that in school, I was dishonoring my flag? You know, I was not! I was expressing my love for the country. I was showing my pride. It really doesn't matter what the flag is made of, what time is it unhoisted, what angle is it displayed in, how high is it. What's important is that I respect the country, and the best way to respect the country is to respect it's people. Let us not use these bullshit codes simply to get an opportunity to get our 15 seconds of fame. There are more important things to worry about. Let's think of them.

Verdict:

Again, a simple case of showing: I care for the country when you truly don't understand what it means to care for a country. These celebs are easy and good targets because it gets the media in and you can get a good chance to show your "I care" facade to the world.

DHOOM2 CONTROVERSY (2006)

Some moron named Shailendra Dwivedi filed a case against Aishwarya Rai (muah) and Hrithik Roshan for.. hold your breath "lowering the dignity of Indian women and encouraging obscenity among Indian youth".

The kissing scene..!!

I say:

Dwivedi, I'm wondering if you're single, or divorced, cos obviously you wouldn't kiss your wife as it would lower her dignity. Sexual frustration would drive her away if it hasn't already. Kissing lowers a woman's dignity, are you kidding me you sonovabitch?

And what's the thing about encouraging obscenity among the youth? You think we can encourage more obscenity? We rape international tourists dude, "sex" features consistently in Google's annual list of the most searched words in India. We produces more kids in the world than anyone else. We wrote the Kamasutra, the Bible of sex. We ARE a country preoccupied with sex. Then why can't we show a kiss on screen? When would this hypocrisy about sex in India stop?

Verdict:

I'm sure Dwivedi shags off thinking about Aishwarya every morning in the shower. He probably could not take it when Hrithik kissed his fantasy woman. He's a lawyer and did what he knows best - file a case.

I hope if his wife has not run away, she does, and sends him photos of her kissing her new boyfriend to Dwivedi every month.

RANG DE BASANTI CONTROVERSY (2006)

RDB, if I remember correctly, was delayed by a week cos at one point of time some people were not happy with it. They thought that the film portrayed the armed forces and politicians in poor light.

I say:

How the eff did RDB portray the armed forces in poor light?

Secondly, why are the bloody politicians so uplight about how they are portrayed in films? Obviously this insecurity arises cos they are afraid of being busted. If they were good in the first place, they wouldn't be insecure.

This also reminds me, there was another film I am forgetting where some Muslims complained that since the baddy is a Muslim, it HURT the SENTIMENTS of the Muslim community.

I've said this before and I'll say it again - the baddy has to be of some sex, gender, race, religion, occupation. What do you want us to do? Have dogs as baddies? Oh then if you own a Boston Terrier, it would HURT YOUR SENTIMENTS if the baddy is a Boston Terrier. F**k you politicians.

Verdict:

Again, a genuine case of politicians trying to show that they are the boss.. they have the power..!!

I propose that all politicians are barred from going to a cinema hall.. these bastards do not deserve our cinema. In fact, in the case of RDB, I wish the people in this country took cinema as seriously as many of these controversy inventors feel, and actually started shooting politicians.

KHUSHBOO CONTROVERSY (2005)

Khushboo, in a magazine interview, said pre-martial sex, if done with safety and precaution and does not beget a child, is alright and in today's world, the educated man could not expect his bride to be a virgin. And OMG, it seemed as if the plugs to the reservoir of the Hoover Dam had been removed. Political parties not only demanded a public apology, but also her deportation from Tamil Nadu. They said her statement was against Tamil culture. Newspapers, women rights groups, all joined the party in condemning Khushboo. Poor actress was badly cornered by one and all.

Left: Khushboo going to court. Right: Protestors showing off their artistic side. Source: http://bbc.co.uk

I say:

Lemme say something to all the opposers of Khushboo - I hope the next time you go home, you see your spouse screwing someone else.

Seriously, what is wrong with us? Why can't we tolerate someone else's opinions? Why do they always have to be something we agree with for them to be tolerated? We are all like mini-dictators in the country. If you're with me, fine, if not.. "Someone's gonna get hurt real bad".

And these women rights groups are the most horrendously bad organizations in India, I can tell you. Some are fine and great, I agree. But some are just jobless groups of individuals who want to get some ego boost (I know I'm being repetitive, but don't you see why? There is a pattern in these controversies) by cashing in on the women issue.

Wasn't Tamil Nadu's ex-CM Jayalalitha MGR's mistress? You people elected her as CM? An affair out of wedlock is fine in Tamil culture, isn't it?

Verdict:

I have established before that Tamilians are morons. I have also requested that north Indian chicks not work there and let them enjoy their 200 pounder Khushboo. But I guess even SHE should not be working there. They should probably stick to all male films.

9/10 films made there are about a roudy roady hero anyway. Heroines are props there anyway.. I guess they can work without them.. but the question is, what would they talk about in the parliament then?

MANGAL PANDEY CONTROVERSY (2005)

The descendants of Mangal Pandey filed a petition in the Delhi high court
against the filmmakers of this Aamir Khan starrer for allegedly portraying Mangal Pandey in a poor light.

One of the objectionable scenes in the film is at the very end of this song where Mangal Pandey is kissing his love, a prostitute by profession. Apparently the Pandey dynasty has never kissed so this cannot be accurate under any circumstances.

I say:

Screw you Pandey Jr. You guys should be happy that someone made a film about your great great great great... grandfather. He was, for the longest time, relegated to one line in the history books all around the country. After this film, he's finally out of that one line. In fact, the filmmakers have probably shown Pandey as more heroic than he actually was, so shut the f*** up.

Verdict:

Obviously after seeing the film, the Pandey morons were so embarrassed with themselves for not being as cool as their ancestor, that they thought... hey why don't we get famous by suing Aamir Khan..!!

Screw you Pandeys! (can't say that enough!)

NAINA CONTROVERSY (2005)

This one is special. Naina is about a blind girl (Urmila Matondkar) who gets an eye transplant after which she starts seeing dead people. Well, what's so controversial about that? It doesn't talk about sexuality or religion! Well.. this one's hilarious: The All India Opthalmological Society (AIOS), i.e. the society where all the eye doctors in the country meet every week to come up with ideas to charge their patients more, filed a public interest litigation in the Delhi and Mumbai High Courts demanding that Naina be banned because IT WOULD DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM MAKING OR ACCEPTING EYE DONATIONS.

I say:

Oh my effing GOD. I thought education made you smarter. I can understand politicians your youth group people doing stuff like that cos they are largely people who've never passed kindergarten, but apparently even 3 + 12 + 4 + 2 + 4 = 25 years of education doesn't make you any better.

My question is, dear doctors, you really think people believe what they see in films. You think people go to the cinema hall for education? No bastards no..

And secondly, how many people saw Naina anyway?

It's surprising that considering almost any kind of a specialist these days has serpentine queues in his/her clinic, you have the time to play these law games. I fear for your patients cos obviously: (a) You are not giving them enough time. (b) You are a moron. I think patients would be forced to stop donating eyes more after this act of yours rather than after watching Naina.

Verdict:

What can I say. This incident just strengthens by belief that education is no good. The Docs prove it.

I think this is what happened. The docs, in one of their weekly meetings at the AIOS, said, thought of having some fun in life. Being generally ugly looking, no prostitute would screw them for even a million dollars. So they said, what is the most common thing Indians do after sex - tada.. file a case.. Let's do that dudes.. woohoo!!

LAJJA CONTROVERSY (2001)

A group of BJP workers in MP burnt effigies of Madhuri Dixit (my first love) and Rajkumar Santoshi for uttering "objectionable dialogs" against Hindu Gods and Goddesses in the film.

The objectionable dialog is right in the beginning of this video. Since we are on the topic of God, God bless YouTube.

I say:

If I remember correctly, the dialog that was the point of contention was something like "agar Sita Ram se door rahin, to Ram bhi to Sita se door rahe. To agnipareeksha Ram ko bhi deni chahiye" (If Sita was away from Ram, then Ram was away from Sita too. So if Sita has to prove her chastity, then so should Ram).
My point is - what's wrong? How is it against Ram? Is religion about following everything blindly? Can we not question the actions of our so called "Gods" in our mythologies.. This Hinduism that we are talking about has had the worst form of intra-religion discrimination known to the world where you even consider a class as untouchable. This religion is surely questionable.

Verdict:

Burning effigies should be included in the olympics cos it is clearly our favorite sport.

I'd like to request everyone to question religion. It is not the be all and the end all. It is not perfect. Question it, like you'd question science.

Hindus are douchebags!

GADAR CONTROVERSY (2001)

This is like one of the earliest controversy known to me. Some Muslim groups objected to a coupla scenes in the film:

One where Ameesha darling is praying to Allah with sindoor on her forehead.

One where Sunny Deol applies sindoor on Ameesha sweetheart's forehead and says "ab ho gaye Sikhni" (now she is a Sikh).

The objection was that Muslim girls do not wear sindoor and that marrying someone from another religion does not change your religion. The groups took to violence, vandalizing the theaters that were showing the film, buring scooters in the parking lots, breaking glasses. I don't know if the scenes got cut from the film though I'm sure there was a demand for it.

The objectionable scene #2 is roughly at 7'40" into the video. There's lot's of Ameesha to enjoy before that.

I say:

Ameesha I love you.. please marry me.. please please please.

Secondly, I'm no expert on religion, but does Allah really care if the girl who's praying to him is wearing a sindoor or not? We live in a friggin secular country you morons.. can't we show even a rice grain bit of tolerance?

Thirdly, I agree that marrying someone of a different religion does not alter your religion. But the point is, why the heck should films be all about fact? Why? Where is the thing called cinematic liberty? When someone can be reborn and take revenge against the guy who killed him in the previous life, why can't we have a scene like Gadar's (which I have to say was probably the best scene of the film). Why do we insist that everything on celluloid must mirror real life. If that's what you want, why have movies altogether you donkeys.

Verdict:

Well, what verdict can I give.. Gadar had the last laugh in this case. Before this atrocious controversy, the film was trailing Lagaan at the box-office. Thanks in part (or maybe largely) to this controversy, the film became the biggest grosser ever until Dhoom 2 overtook it in 2007.

But in any case, I'm more and more convinced that we don't deserve good cinema. Also, I'm more convinced that burning effigies should be included in the olympics.

WATER CONTROVERSY (2000)

How can we forget this controversy? Deepa Metha's film about the inhuman treatment of the widows in pre-Independence India invited the wrath of the Hindu fundamentalists in Varansi, where the film was being shot. The morons there did not let the shooting happen and Mehta had to shoot the film in Sri Lanka years later.

Shabana Azmi shaving off her head for the "controversial" role. Source: bbc.co.uk

I say:

Again.. why are we freakin' ashamed to admit that y
es, we were wrong in the past. Are you trying to tell me that sending an 8 year old to a widow house and making her live the life of a rat is alright at any point in time in human history. By opposing Mehta's film, are we not condoning what was done in the past.

Verdict:

The point is these sadhu sants (religious figures, that is) do not want to admit that the religion did something wrong in the past. They want to show that the religion has always been correct. Bastards. These sadhu sants are actually the very reason that religions break us and not make us. They are behind most of the communal violence. They are the most religiously intolerant people when they should be more cos supposedly they are closer to GOD than the rest of us.

... etc etc

These are not all my friends. But don't worry, I won't subject you to any more, but mention them very briefly:

2005,2006: Some animal rights group demands that RDB and Paheli be banned because they did not treat their animals well.

2007: Some groups opposed the film Nishabd cos the love story of a 60 year old and an 18 year old was against the Indian culture.

2002: Gandhi supporters opposed the film The Legend of Bhagat Singh cos it showed the Father of the Nation in a bad light. Even Bhagat Singh's family took the film to court for showing that Singh had a love interest.

2007: Some groups demanded a ban on the film Saawariya because it showed prostitutes in a bad light.

Ok, I made the last one up, but I think it's truly legitimate.. the lighting in the film was really bad..!! Kinda dark at places.. so everyone in the film, including the prostitutes were portrayed in a "bad light" in some way!!

In Conclusion...

My study shows that people of almost all major states and religions in India are douchebags. So per my advice, it seems that we should not release films in the whole country, except for maybe places like Nagaland. That won't be good busines

But well, that's not my purpose of writing this. My purpose is to make people realize how ridiculous these controversies are

Please remember that I am not condoning film-stars and films, and I'm not saying that they are free to do whatever they want to in the name of creative liberty or freedom of expression. They are not. I don't condone Salman Khan killing the endangered chinkara. I don't condone Shakti Kapoor for asking a girl for sex in return for getting her a film. All I am saying is that:

This great country does give it's citizens the basic Freedom Of Speech and Expression. Cinema is a form of expression and so the FOSE applies to cinema as well. All I am saying is we need to be more tolerant of others, their views, their opinions. Every person does not need to agree with us. We can agree to disagree.

Cinema comes with something called Cinematic Liberty. In fact, it comes with every art. A painter can paint a man blue, a tree purple, a man with a face bigger than a torso, and that is fine. It's a part of creativity. Let us not confine art to the laws of what is real and what is plausible or else their would be no art.

History is never perfect, and to be honest, history is an opinion, a widely held opinion, rather than a fact. That is why history often has multiple versions. It is not necessary that the widely held opinion is right. In fact, the earlier in history we go, the more uncertain things get. Let us give our cinema that liberty to twist history a little for cinematic grace.

If you care, don't do propaganda, actually care. If you care for the dalits, think of ways to get them the basic necessities of life (are you listening Mayawati bitch). If you care for the country, don't piggy back on the flag code, but love it's people. If you care for your religion, follow the good things of the religion and question what is wrong in it. No religion is perfect. Tolerate other religions as every religion I know says so. Don't go around banning films just to prove a point. Your hypocrisy is damaging our society.

Lastly, please please please realize that people no as easily swayed by cinema as you think. People go to the cinema hall for entertainment, and not education. Swades did not lead to 100s of NRIs coming back to the villages to do social service; Rang De Basanti did not lead to murders of our politicians (I so wish it did). There may be a couple of exceptions like the kid who hurt himself trying to fly like Krrish, and these one off incidents are inevitable in any society. But let us not forget that cinema in our country, and probably everywhere in the world, is about entertainment. People seldom take what they see on screen, out of the cinema hall. What people do care about is what the politicians say and do. So when the politicians say that the North Indians have no business to be in Mumbai, people take that to their homes and their families. So rather than our films, censor or ban such people from the public life.

With that, I rest my case. May all these baseless controversies be put to rest.

I Hope This is the Beginning of History: Jodhaa Akbar Movie Un-Review

2008-02-23T21:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last wrote and sorry for keeping some of you waiting. School work had been getting the better off me.

I saw Jodhaa Akbar (JA) a few days back and I absolutely had to had to write about it.

JA is the first hindi film that I have seen this year because frankly there was nothing in the theaters that I would have wanted to spend $10 for.

To whet my film appetite, I took this opportunity to watch some hollywood films that I long wanted to watch but had not gotten the time to. I watched Pulp Fiction (brilliant), Shawshank Redemption (phenomenal), and Tootsie (very good). There are many more films in my list that I want to watch and considering there are no good hindi films scheduled to release next month, I should be able to shorten my list a little more.

Watching Pulp, Shawshank, and Tootsie made me wonder once again why we cannot compare to hollywood in terms of the quality of our cinema? I always thought maybe it's cos we don't have as much money as they do. Making a film like Gladiator or Braveheart does cost a lot of money which we probably don't have. But actually that's not true. We do have enough money.

The budget of some of the films in the last few years confirms that. Saawariya last year was made for Rs 40 crore = $10 million (what a waste of money). OSO was made for Rs 45 crore I think. Devdas was made for about Rs 60 crore ( = $15 million). Now that's a lot of money, and considering that things are a lot cheaper in India than in the States, I'd say that $10 million in India = $50 - 100 million in the States. Take star salaries for example. A top star today charges like Rs 10 crore = $2.5 million. A top star in hollywood, like Tom 'Dickhead' Cruise or Brad Pitt charge between $20 - 30 million, i.e. 8 to 10 times than the stars in India.

I'm not saying that you need a lot of money to make a good film. But there are subjects whose scale is so large (e.g. Gladiator or Braveheart) that you can't make a film like that without spending a few bucks (I use these films as examples cos I simply love them).

What is even more disturbing is that we have such a rich history, richer than most countries in the world, and so many good stories to tell. Besides our independence struggle, we have failed miserably at bringing these stories to the world. I can think of very few films about our ancient/medieval history. The few that come to mind are:

Mughal-E-Azam (a classic)

Lagaan (not a historical fact, but set in 1897)

Asoka (a piece of shit except for the climax)

Taj Mahal (the film disappeared cos of bad publicity and not so attractive starcast)

So I had been long wanting for a modern day movie to match the class and scale of a Braveheart or Gladiator.

Then came Jodhaa Akbar and I feel like my prayers have been answered. JA is easily the most wisely spent 40 crores in a hindi film. Every second of this 3.5 hours magnum opus made me proud to be an Indian, made me proud of our history, our cinema, our actors, and Amisha Patel (I've always been proud to be an Indian for the last reason, just reiterating). The film is a masterpiece by all means - story, acting, music, cinematography, direction, dialogs, you name it.

I'd like to give special mention to the film's dialogs. Being an ardent Urdu fan, the beautiful urdu spoken in the film is poetry to the ears.

Hrithik and Aishwarya look so pretty together that I am convinced they are a much better couple than the 'Doughebag' Bachchan and Aish (though I am still convinced she and I make the best couple).

We in bollywood are a very trendy industry: with that I don't mean that we are very modern. What I mean to say is that if a particular kinda film works and there is scope to do more in that genre, we make 100s of such films.

Example:

Sleaze film fest post Khwahish

Remake spree post Don

Sequels and more sequels post Phir Hera Pheri & Krrish

Slapstick comedies post Hera Pheri

Shitty films with Sunny Deol howling and beating hordes of baddies post Ghatak (though Ghatak itself was a great movie)

Now I just hope that after the success of JA, other sheep in the industry are going to make historicals, or to be more precise, historical love stories (notice how, with the exception of Lagaan, all indian historicals mentioned in this entry are love stories). I can think of a couple of anecdotes in history and I'd list them here, so that I can save some of our directories some time searching Wikipedia:

Prithviraj Chauhan and Sanyogta

Chandragupta Vikramaditya and Dhruvaswamini

But I fear one thing. JA did a wonderful job at mixing fact with fiction. Any historical dealing with pre-modern times inevitably has to go that route cos we don't have a good documentation of the time. Braveheart, Gladiator, and Mughal-E-Azam all have a mix of fact and fiction in them. A film succeeds if the balance is right, which JA has. I fear that in the quest of making historicals, some of our industry men are going to fabricate total fairy tales around historical characters.

I won't be surprised to see love stories of Shivaji and his wife (I don't think he had one but won't be surprised), Asoka and some girl (oops, didn't we make that one already?), Maharana Pratap and one of his 20,000 wives, yada yada yada...

The point about fiction brings me to this next point. Dear Rajputs, f*** you. You morons have nothing better left to do but to ban Jodhaa Akbar in Rajasthan just cos according to you douchebags Jodhaa wasn't Akbar's wife and such portrayal has hurt your wonderful legacy. Let me tell you dickheads these coupla things:

Does it really friggin matter what one says about your 400 year old ancestors? You morons don't seem to care when international tourists are raped in Rajasthan. That apparently does not hurt the prestige of the state. But when some wonderful director makes a film which might have some facts about your 400 year old ancestors wrong (which might actually be true for all we know cos there is no way to verify), that affects your prestige.. well done monkey brains.

What legacy are you talking about? I don't mean to be mean or regionalistic here, but you Rajputs are forgetting that you guys remained NEUTRAL in the 1857 struggle for freedom. That's some tainted legacy, aye?

I hope no one ever releases a film in your region again...!!

All this nonsense about hurt sentiments pisses me off (I'll leave the details for another post).

Lastly, I have a dream.. a dream that Jodhaa Akbar did not fulfill - a historical not centering on a love story. I know love is an essential element and even Braveheart and Gladiator had a love angle, but it wasn't the central theme of the film. I hope we get there someday too.. there are a lot of wonderful stories our history has in store for us...!!

But anyway.. Ashutosh Gowarikar.. take a bow dude..!!

A Day With India's Best Music Composer: A Fan's Dream Comes True

2008-01-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG.. Finally my dream came true and I got to spend a whole day with musician Numero Uno - his excellency Pritam Chakraborty.

Yes, it finally happened. I visited his house, his music studio.. ow wowowoww.. I still can't believe it.

Don't believe me? Huh, I knew it, you cynical morons!!

That's why I took pictures.. !! He was so nice.. he showed me around his whole place.. showed me how he made music.. It was great..!!

I spent a day with Pritam, I spent a day with Pritam... Na Na Na Na Na Na.. Na Na Na Na Na Na...

Enjoy these pics, LOSERS.. hahaaaa!!

1. There was this giant world map on Pritam's music room's wall. I don't know what this map is for. I'm guessing it's a map of the places he has visited. But I don't think he's ever visited Lebanon or Indonesia.. who goes there anyway? Weird..!! If anyone can decipher this, please tell me.

2. Pritam also showed me the kind of technology that goes into modern music making. He walked me through this proprietary music making software called "Pritam's Music Studio." He claims it is the most advanced software out there. I donno why but I think I've seen the software somewhere... I hate these deja vu's. Nevertheless I was quite impressed.. that's some cool tech right there. (By the way.. lemme tell you a secret.. He was using a pirated version of Windows Vista.. heee heee...!!).

3. I had the honor to see some of Pritam's personal notes, like the one above detailing the channel settings for some of Life In A Metro's songs. I loved the album and it was great to see what went behind the making of the masterpiece. Not only is Pritam 'ji' hi-tech, he's bloody organized.. Wow!!
Respect..!! (If you don't know what channel settings are.. go die idiot!! Or go here : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stereophonic_sound).

4. When I was in Junior College, I tried learning the language of music. I found it uber hard and dropped the idea. So I always wondered if Music Composers actually wrote Music in the notation and all. Pritam says you can't be a musician if you don't know how to write music. He has even invested lakhs of rupees in a machine from Japan that helps him write music. He says a few other of his contemporaries have this machine too. This is what it looks like. Since by now I was feeling a little more comfortable, I joked that the machine looks like a photocopier. He laughed it off. That my friend is the measure of a true man - no matter how big you are, you can take jokes on you..!!

5. And finally.. I asked the man himself to play something for me on his guitar that he plays so well. And I clicked him.. In action! Must say I haven't seen a guitar like his ever. Must be the super-pro variety...!! It had no strings only.. had some hi-fi buttons with something engraved on em..!! Whoa.. quite a site..!! Genius at work..!!

So that was it.. my dream coming true. At about 5pm, I had to leave. I wish I did not have to. But before leaving, I had something important to clear. My day wouldn't be complete if I didn't ask him that question, the question that bothers a true Pritam fan like me. So I asked:

"Pritam Ji, please don't mind me asking this.. but I've heard a lot of stories recently that most of the music that you composed is ripped off from somewhere. Is that true?"

Pritam Ji looked disturbed. I had hurt him. But he remain composed and said:

"Nitesh.. you've been here with me for a whole day and I've shown you my house, my studio, my notes, my instruments, and I've walked you through my whole music creation process. Did you see anything that even remotely suggests that I copy my music from elsewhere..?"

I felt sorry for asking him that question, apologized, and as great a man as he is, he forgave me; he's a giver.. he only knows how to give.. doesn't take anything from anyone.

So friends. You have the proof right in front of your eyes in the form of these pictures.

I hope that now you'd stop accusing him of copying his music once and for all, and respect and honor the musical genius that Pirate'm, I mean Pritam, is.

LONG LIVE PRITAM..

Ande Tamatar Awards 2008 Winners

2008-01-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I read the winner's list of the 2008 Nokia Screen Awards and boy, can there be a more predictable list? I mean my predictions after reading the nominations were almost 100% accurate. In fact, it makes me feel that the nominee list is a farce. The winners are decided before hand and 4 other idiots put there just to make a list.

As a tribute to that spirit, I am letting go of a separate post for the nominations and announcing the winners directly. But mind you, all nominees here are deserving and I did have problems choosing the winners.

Best Picture

Black Friday

Chak De India

Dharm

Jab We Met

Taare Zameen Par

Best Actor (Male)

Abhishek Bachchan - Guru

Akshaye Khanna - Gandhi My Father

Darsheel Safary - Taare Zameen Par

Pankaj Kapur - Dharm

Shah Rukh Khan - Chak De India

Best Actor (Female)

Deepika Padukone - Om Shanti Om

Kareena Kapoor - Jab We Met

Katrina Kaif - Namastey London

Jiah Khan - Nishabd

Sonam Kapoor - Saawariya

Best Director

Aamir Khan - Taare Zameen Par

Bhavna Talwar - Dharm

Imtiaz Ali - Jab We Met

Shimit Amin - Chak De India

Sriram Raghavan - Johnny Gaddaar

Best Story

Amol Gupte - Taare Zameen Par

Mani Ratnam - Guru

Madhu Muttom - Bhool Bhulaiyaa

Pooja Ladha Surti - Johnny Gaddaar

Vibha Singh - Dharm

Best Supporting Actor (Male)

Aamir Khan - Taare Zameen Par

Darshan Zariwala - Gandhi My Father

Mithun Chakraborty - Guru

Vipin Sharma - Taare Zameen Par

Zakhir Hussain - Johnny Gaddaar

Best Supporting Actor (Female)

Amisha Patel - Bhool Bhulaiyaa

Anjana Sukhlani - Salaam-E-Ishq

Shreya Saran - Awaarapan

Tisca Chopra - Taare Zameen Par

Zehra Naqvi - Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Best Song

Bandeh - Black Friday

Jaage Hain - Guru

Kash Laga - No Smoking

Maa - Taare Zameen Par

Yoon Shabnami - Saawariya

Best Music

A R Rahman - Guru

Himesh Reshammiya - Namastey London

Monty - Saawariya

Shankar Ehsaan Loy - Taare Zameen Par

Vishal Shekhar - Om Shanti Om

Best Background Music

A R Rahman - Guru

Debajyoti Mishra - Dharm

Daniel George - Johnny Gaddaar

Shankar Ehsaan Loy - Salaam-E-Ishq

Shantanu Moitra - Eklavya

Best Lyrics

Gulzar - Jaage Hain / Guru

Gulzar - Kash Laga / No Smoking

Piyush Mishra - Bandeh / Black Friday

Prasoon Joshi - Maa / Taare Zameen Par

Prasoon Joshi - Taare Zameen Par / Taare Zameen Par

Best Singer (Male)

A R Rahman - Jaage Hain / Guru

Asheem Chakravarty - Bandeh / Black Friday

Sonu Nigam - Bhaee Bhor / Dharm

Shankar Mahadevan - Taare Zameen Par / Taare Zameen Par

Amitabh Bachchan - Rozana / Nishabd

Best Singer (Female)

Chitra - Jaage Hain / Guru

Hamsika Iyer - Chanda Re / Eklavya

Mayyam Toller - Mayya Mayya / Guru

Richa Sharma - Daras Bina / Saawariya

Rekha Bharadwaj - Phoonk De / No Smoking

Best Debut (Male)

Darsheel Safary - Taare Zameen Par

Ranbir Kapoor - Saawariya

Neil Nitin Mukesh - Johnny Gaddaar

Himesh Reshammiya - Aap Ka Surroor (He He.. Just for gags!!)

Best Debut (Female)

Deepika Padukone - Om Shanti Om

Jiah Khan - Nishabd

Sagarika Ghatke - Chak De India

Sonam Kapoor - Saawariya

Zehra Naqvi - Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Best Trailer

Saawariya (what a con job)

Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

Taare Zameen Par

Eklavya

Salaam-E-Ishq

Worst Film

Heyy Babyy

Saawariya

Salaam-E-Ishq

Ta Ra Rum Pum

Welcome

Worst Actor (Male)

Abhishek Bachchan - Jhoom Barabar Jhoom (I have not seen the film, but wearing a hairband earns him an automatic nomination)

Akshay Kumar - Welcome

Himesh Reshammiya - Aap Kaa Surroor

Saif Ali Khan - Ta Ra Rum Pum

Salman Khan - Salaam-E-Ishq

Worst Actor (Female)

Priyanka Chopra - Salaam-E-Ishq

Rani Mukerjee - Laaga Chunari Mein Daag

Rani Mukerjee - Ta Ra Rum Pum

Vidya Balan - Heyy Babyy

Vidya Balan - Bhool Bhulaiyaa

Most Nonsensical Lyrics

Javed Akhtar - Dard-E-Disco / Om Shanti Om (nothing else comes close.. no point nominating any others)

Most Nonsensical Film Title

Ta Ra Rum Pum (what the heck is that?)

Aap Kaa Surroor - The Moviee - The Real Luv Storieeeeeee (all in the name of numerologggyyyiieee)

Team - The Force

Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag

Shaka Laka Boom Boom (more a magician's mantra than film name)

Xerox Award for the Best Picture

Hitch (I mean Partner)...

Xerox Award for the Best Music Director

Pritam Chakraborty with so far 14 tracks in the last year copied from music all the way from Egypt - Korea.. I say so far because we do not know the sources of the others yet. And yes my friends, the 14 include songs from Bhool Bhulaiyaa, Jab We Met, and Life In A Metro. Thanks to itwofs.com for documenting his research.

Congratulations to all the winners...!!