pondering,

cogitating,

ruminating,

evaluating,

perhaps even brooding. Definitely brooding.

I’m just not at a point where I can talk about it all. It’s just so much…

So much what does this cancer diagnosis mean to the rest of my life? to what extent will I let it define me? what do I want to do when I grow up? will it have something to do with cancer? should I change my major? what is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? does it even matter? where are my shoes? how will we pay rent? did I take my pills this morning, or was that yesterday? who am I? who are you? will Lizzie and Mr. Darcy ever work things out?

In spite of all of that, I still have this…

the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is such a small thing compared to the beauty of my little girl in a swing. Pondering can wait; it’s time to play.

WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.

Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.

More Blogs Hosting WW Linkups

Friday Night I found myself on stage at Courage Night as one of five women reading our work about surviving cancer. In the Q&A session, as I was describing how my blog had evolved, I recited this line from that blog post: “CoffeeJitters has been a single girl making her way in the world blog, a wedding blog, an infertility blog, a photography blog, a quitting my job and going back to school full time blog, a wow! I’m pregnant! blog, a mommy blog, a cancer blog, ….” except I swallowed the words “a relearning how to dream after cancer blog.”

No, in a room full of cancer survivors, women I love and trust, and who understand better than any one else, I could barely voice those words I had already published. I’m still not quite sure whether I said them out loud when I was at the mic.

I am currently taking Susannah Conway’s “Blogging from the Heart” class, which is proving to be more magical that I could have ever dreamed. This class is also bringing me face to face with that line – “a trying to relearn how to dream after cancer blog.” She is asking me to dig deep, and think about the purpose of my blog. It is easy to spot the focus on gratitude and appreciation of everyday magic, but this blogging practice is also challenging me to stretch.

Just as a physical injury can leave the body bound up in a tight little ball of muscle, the emotional trauma can have a similar impact on the spirit. Yoga and stretching and movement will little by little improve the flexibility and range of the body, but it’s sometimes painful and frightening. It is work that exists entirely outside of the comfort zone. I’ve reached the point where I understand what I have been intuitively trying to do, yet simultaneously resisting – to improve the flexibility and range of my imagination, of my ability to re-dream my future.

The process is slow and difficult, but looking back I can see how I have gradualy expanded the time frame of my dreams. Since diagnosis, I’ve had trouble imagining my life more than a few weeks or months ahead. Now my dreams stretch as far as five years out. Some day soon, I’ll be able to imagine myself at my daughter’s high school graduation.

Here’s to sweet dreams.

WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.

Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.

More Blogs Hosting WW Linkups

In just an hour of paying attention:

The air is the perfect temperature – not so warm or cold as to demand attention.

Watching an artist become

The little one exploring – getting familiar with Mother Nature

And Mother Nature says hi right back.

A mama bird feeding her chicks…

A perfect rosebud…

Mother Nature reclaiming a chair…

I find the magic every time I look for it. I just have to remember to look.

Every day is a gift.

WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.

Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.

More Blogs Hosting WW Linkups

Which camera? Irrelevant:
an old beater, camera phone, DSLR…
it doesn’t matter.

The flower – deconstructed
petal, stamen,
line, curve,
color.

I capture the light, not the flower
The way the light moves and flexes,
around and through,
reflection,
absorption,
glow.

In the end, it’s not even about me;
it’s about embracing the light.

WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.

Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.

More Blogs Hosting WW Linkups

It’s so very much like my daughter chasing these bubbles around the park – yet so different.

First, I’m not having as much fun (I need to do something about that).

Second, my failure to grasp these bubbles, and manipulate them into a cohesive thesis, has consequenses.

Just a few more days, I can count it in hours now, till this semester is done. The last paper and final are friday; then I can exhale.

And then I can chase the bubbles just for fun.

WW Linkup
Every week I host a photo linkup where we share posts featuring a photo. It started out being called Wordless Wednesday, but… Bloggers? Wordless? Then we started calling it Wordy Wednesday. Now we just abreviate to WW, and you pick for yourself whether or not to get wordy.

Link up your photo post below to share, and we’ll be by to visit.

More Blogs Hosting WW Linkups

We may be adventuring at the grocery store

in the back yard

at the library

during the commute

or in a fountain at the mall.

I’m so blessed to have this constant reminder to embrace the adventure in life, wherever we are.

I just had to fix up this picture with my favorite quote of hers from last summer.

More fabulous blogs with WW linkups here!

Favorite TV Shows: SuperWhy, Diego, Dancing with the Stars, Billy the Exterminator, Angelina Ballerina, Shark Week

Favorite Movie: The Princess and the Frog

Shoe size: 10

What she wants to do when she grows up: Rescue Animals – and – be like Mommy (mama swoon)

Favorite Books: Too Princessy, The Animal Encyclopedia, Too Purpley, Sharks

Best Quote of the Year: “Adventure makes me happy, and I have my shoes on.”

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl.

People ask me what my blog is about, and every time I pause. I know I’m supposed to have an elevator speech prepared, I guess it’s time I start thinking about that.

This blog has been through so many iterations. I started the first CoffeeJitters blog on LiveJournal back in 2001. It’s hard to believe it’s been more than ten years since that first blog post. A lot has changed over that decade.

CoffeeJitters has been a single girl making her way in the world blog, a wedding blog, an infertility blog, a photography blog, a quitting my job and going back to school full time blog, a wow! I’m pregnant! blog, a mommy blog, a cancer blog, and a relearning how to dream after cancer blog.

Mostly, it’s a love letter to my daughter and husband, and an ongoing autobiography. It is my story, and my practice honing my voice. It is my chance to be heard.

I think in a way, that’s what a lot of us bloggers are doing. I keep picturing all the bloggers of the world at their computers furiously typing away in a clackity-clack version of the Whos that Horton heard, yelling at the top of their lungs, “We Exist!”

Blogging allows us to make our mark on the world. To show that we exist. To have a voice and have it heard. To contribute to the ongoing story of the human race.

My studies recently have centered a great deal around women’s history throughout the world, and the difficulty involved in truly understanding what a woman’s life was like. Mens stories were recorded, by men. Women’s stories… not so much.

I look at blogging in comparison to that and I think: what a gift we are leaving for future generations. Is there any comparable resource in history to the wide range of women’s stories now available? Sure, there’s a good deal of exaggeration. That also exists in our history books. But there is so much more variety of stories and lifestyles represented. I’m proud to be a part of this movement. I’m so happy that future generations will have such a wealth of information about their ancestors – us. (On second thought, maybe I’d better go clean up a few of my posts)

Spring Break

New year – well in some cultures, but I’ll take it.

Even Easter and Passover speak of fresh starts.

Time to stop and take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter that I’m not at a good stopping point; when does that ever happen?

Mommy needs a time out.

Mental margarita

Everything I need to do will still be there tomorrow

Makes it easier to focus on what’s really important

Hope you had a wonderful Easter/Passover/weekend.

.

I’m so honored to be included in this group of amazing writers.

I was also a little perplexed about how to gracefully manage the whole signing of books part at the end. It’s not like you can sign a blog. And the other authors are donating their proceeds to YSC…   Finally, last night I got that little light bulb over my head. Why don’t I have some of my photos printed, and sell those? Then I’ll have proceeds to donate, and something to sign.

So which photos?

I picked a few, and I’m going to narrow it down again to a selection of four. Which ones do you like?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

And here’s the flyer for Courage Night. If you’re in the Seattle area, stop by and say hi. I’d love to see you!