Few Understand Communication Style

I continue to be amazed at the number of people who have never been exposed to the concept of communication style in a personal or professional setting.  Yet, once people understand the three different communication styles and the implications of each style, there is more deliberate focus away from the extremes – submissive and aggressive – and more concentration towards assertive communication. 

Half the battle is just being aware that these three communication styles and their implications exist. Once people “get”the different communication styles, then they can shape their own communication style and that of their children to one that is most appropriate for successful relationship management – the assertive communication style. 

Submissive

This style of communication is typically characterized by difficulty communicating needs, wants, and feelings to others. 

When I attended a conflict management class, each participant had to complete an online assessment in order to have some personal knowledge of communication style prior to the class. I was surprised at how many class participants had been categorized as submissive. While we tend to think of an aggressive communication style as the worst, a submissive communication style comes in at a close second. 

For example, at first glance, it appears that submissives are easier to get along with than aggressors. However, without a direct and frank discussion about needs, wants and feelings in a constructive way by the submissive spouse or partner, the other half of the relationship has to guess why the submissive spouse or partner is upset, and frequently the guess is wrong. As such, frustration can build in sub-missives because their needs and wants aren’t being addressed (they don’t realize it is because they haven’t clearly articulated these needs and wants) and they get the perception that their feelings aren’t being acknowledged.

At this stage, from seemingly out of nowhere, the submissive person can explode with anger and a major conflict ensues. Repeat this cycle a number of times and you get the idea how frustrating this can be for both parties involved. If the issues are not addressed in a positive, constructive manner, the relationship can be difficult if not impossible to repair, ultimately leading to a separation or divorce. Taken to the extreme, a submissive communication style can be perceived as passive-aggressive behavior with potentially even more dire consequences.

A person with a submissive communication style at work, typically is “walked all over” by those workers and customers who are more aggressive. Not only can this treatment result in real frustration for sub-missives, it can also lead to a slower career path with lower prestige and compensation. 

In school, a submissive communication style can lead the more aggressive child to intimidate, dominate, control and bully the submissive child. It is much more difficult to bully an assertive child.

As adults, we can help our children learn at a young age, being submissive is not a good way to articulate our needs, wants, and feelings. That it is okay to express personal needs, wants and feelings as long as it is done in kind, constructive, and respectful way, with compromises as appropriate. 

Assertive

Communicating in an assertive manner includes valuing your needs, wants, and feelings as equal to those needs, wants, and feelings of others. It is a “give and take” approach so there is a win/win outcome. Assertive people communicate in a direct, honest, open, respectful, and straightforward manner, and address their concerns as they occur instead of letting the frustration build.  Assertiveness is the communication style that is the most successful approach for positive relationship management.   

So if assertiveness is the best communication style, why aren’t there more people with this communication approach? The most notable reason is a fear of rejection or disapproval. This is especially true in the Midwest. For example, “Minnesota Nice” kind of goes with the old saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.

We are so afraid we will hurt the other person’s feelings if we are honest and direct, that we keep our opinions and feelings to ourselves. Unfortunately, in the end, we are really doing ourselves and our peers a disservice by keeping quiet. As long as assertiveness is practiced in a kind, respectful way, this is the best way to communicate. This is the lesson we need to teach our children so they can grow up to be successful in life, at school, and work. 

Finally, there is no guarantee that if you use an assertive communication style you will get you what you want and need. However, being assertive in your communication style is much more likley to get you the results you desire, in lieu of aggression or submission.  

Aggressive

Most people who express themselves aggressively, tend to be very demanding, selfish, and inflexible most of the time. Aggressive people don’t really care about the needs, feelings, or opinions of other people.  

While some aggressive people have had limited success in their professional careers, over time, the aggressive communicator has fallen out of favor in the more modern workplace.  Also, people with this communication style tend to have a difficult time maintaining positive personal relationships as well. People today expect to be treated with respect from everyone around them, regardless of the communication style of others. 

Even in sports, coaches have focused less on aggressive tactics because players who are aggressive in a game tend to get unnecessary penalties that do not add value and help the team win. 

Parents should monitor play time to make sure their children are communicating with an assertive style, especially when the discussion gets more heated and intense. This is the perfect time to teach children to be assertive, not submissive or aggressive, when hostilities begin. 

Aggressive communication may appear to be successful in the short-term, but over time it usually damages the individual or team relationship beyond repair, resulting in a negative relationship and its associated unhappiness. 

The children who are most aggressive, can sometimes be the worst bullies. As adults, we want to eliminate bullying in all areas of life, school, and work. We each need to do our part. 

Needs Overview

If we think about communication style relative to needs, aggressive people tend to primarily focus on their own needs without consideration for the needs of other people. On the other hand, submissive people tend to put other people’s  needs ahead of their own on most occasions, to their detriment. People with an assertive communication style tend to find a nice balance between meeting their own needs and those of others, a “give and take” type of approach.

The overlap section or assertive communication style (see image below) is where you and your children should try to operate most of the time. The assertive communication style maintains positive relationships for all parties, while successfully resolving  difficult, emotional, and conflict-oriented issues. 

Different Styles with Different People

Sometimes we communicate or act differently when we are with different people. Remember, each person with whom we interact also has their own communication style. Our personal feelings regarding this individual also plays a major role in how we communicate.

Some people may come across as intimidating or controlling when around you, some people may frequently defer to you or not express their opinions because they desperately want to be liked by you, other people may give and take with you because they feel like equals.

Who you are interacting with impacts which of these three communication styles you are most likely to demonstrate. However, in general, your communication style tends to remain constant over time. 

Great Links on Communication Style 

Great Summary & Examples for the Three Communication Styles

Assertiveness Training for Children 

Dealing with Aggressive Bullies

Importance of Communication Style

As a business and technology executive, I know how important communication style is at work. There are those people you enjoy being around, and there are those people you hope to avoid.

As a wife and mother, I also know how important communication style is at home with family. Communication style and approach to interactions can really make a difference in the emotional well-being of a family, or it can make a family dysfunctional.

And many of us would probably like a “do over” communicating more appropriately with former friends, especially as it relates to better conflict management.

Hence, communication style has a major impact on the development and management of positive relationships. This is an important topic we need to teach our children at an early age, so they can make the most out of life – at school, at work, and at home.

Submissive

I Lose, You Win

This style of communication is characterized by difficulty communicating needs, wants, and feelings to others. Some people would call this shyness. Submissive communicators are often afraid to be direct for fear of what others might think of them if they tell the truth or speak their mind. Frequently, submissive people defer to more dominant personalities, even though they have opinions and desires that may be just as valuable.  

Assertive

I Win, You Win

Communicating in an assertive manner includes valuing your needs, wants, and feelings as equal to those needs, wants, and feelings of others. It means being firm at times but allowing for flexibility when appropriate. It is a “give and take” approach so there is a win/win outcome. Assertive people communicate in a direct, honest, open, respectful, and straightforward manner, and address their concerns as they occur instead of letting the frustration build.  They can deliver bad news or negative feedback in a  constructive, respectful way. Assertiveness is the communication style that is the most successful approach for positive relationship management.  

Aggressive

I Win, You Lose

Most people who express themselves aggressively, tend to be very demanding, selfish, and inflexible most of the time. Aggressive people don’t really care about the needs, feelings, or opinions of other people. Their entire focus is “I win, you lose” at all costs, even if it severely damages the relationship.

We will dive deeper into this topic in the next post. This posting was meant to be an overview.

Weight Management for Kids

Some of our kids simply aren’t active enough and this is a major contributor to childhood obesity. If children are eating more food than their bodies can use, the excess calories will be stored as fat, and kids become overweight or obese as a result.

When kids are so inactive at such a young age without any reduction in calorie intake, the pounds will add up and over time, serious health issues with devasting outcomes can be realized.

Physical Activity & Exercise Critical

The risks to our kids are real and the consequences potentially severe, if we don’t proactively manage an increase in physical activity and exercise for the children in our family.

Parents as Teachers

As responsible parents, we need to hold ourselves accountable to ensure our children get the best out of life, including a healthy life. As adults, if we don’t know how to lead an active lifestyle, then we need to take the time to learn. Parents continue to be the primary teachers for their kids in all areas of life learning.

Benefits to Exercise

When kids are active, not only do they burn up more calories and strengthen their muscles, they also are less likely to eat during this active time. Fewer calories consumed and more calories burned during activity gives kids get a double benefit.

Since exercise is known to accelerate the metabolism, kids can burn up calories even at rest (assuming kids don’t “pig out” because they were just active).

As long as fruits and vegetables are readily available (cut, rinse, and store in easy to use containers for the busy week), kids who are more physically active will naturally tend to eat better. Perhaps, since kids feel better they want to eat better?

As the old saying goes “use it or lose it” is very appropriate for kids as well as adults. Not only is exercising muscles important for the body, research has shown it is also good for the brain. Another double dose of benefits!

And there is another old saying “a family that plays together, stays together”.  Kids grow up so quickly and that “play time” can never be recovered. Why not have some active family fun together every day? It may take more of an effort, but it sure is worth it. As an added benefit, your kids will have fond memories of your fun, family time together.

Schedule Physical Activity & Exercise

Parents need to be deliberate in scheduling intentional exercise  and physical activity for themselves and their children, much like scheduling errands or family events. Block off time each day (or as much as you can) for the family to be active and have some fun together. Leading an active lifeystyle needs to become a natural part of everyday living, much like brushing our hair and teeth every day.

No Excuses

If you say your family doesn’t have time to exercise, then ask yourself if your family has the time for deadly diseases which exercise is known to help reduce or prevent. Daily physical activity and exercise needs to become a permanent fixture for every member of the family. Even if you forget and fail to get your kids to engage in daily exercise and activity, try again. Be patient. Change takes time. You will persevere if you keep trying and don’t give up. You can do it - start today!

Ten Rules of Kids’ Fitness

A Men’s Health article posted on the website for ABCNews Health does a great job of summarizing ten important rules that parents can use to help make their kids more active. A list of the ten rules outlined in the article are as follows:  

• Rule #1: Don’t Rely on Organized Sports
• Rule #2: Keep Play Fun
• Rule #3: Turn off the TV…
• Rule #4: …Unless You’re Playing Wii
• Rule #5: Never Reward Kids with Food
• Rule #6: Instruct by Showing, Not Telling
• Rule #7: Know When to Praise
• Rule #8: Make a Play Date with Friends
• Rule #9: But Don’t Compare Your Kids with Others
• Rule #10: Give Them Your Blessing

You can read the full article at Ten Rules of Kids’ Fitness. 

What are your thoughts on increasing physical family activity and exercise?

New My Plate Graphic

I don’t know about you, but I love this new easy-to-understand nutritional graphic from the government, which replaces the pyramid.

For each meal, your plate should have mostly vegetables, an even amount of grains and protein, some fruit, and a serving of dairy. 

It is easy to picture this graphic in my mind, and the nutritional guidelines it offers, when I am choosing what to make for dinner, eating in a restaurant, or serving food on a plate.

Not On Plate

Of course, it doesn’t mean I am restricted from having food that is not represented on this plate. For example, it is okay to have sugar and fat from candy, a cookie, or a bar once in a while, but it shouldn’t be part of every meal.

Some people restrict the amount of sugar and fat they consume during the week, but allow themselves to have a treat or two on the weekends. For those people that love chocolate after a meal, small, individually wrapped pieces of chocolate candy work out well, such as those offered by Dove.  Or the smaller portioned packages of candy that were typically offered only at Halloween time, but more readily available throughout the year now, work really well too.

With respect to cookies or bars, make smaller portions when you are baking, or break  a cookie or bar into halves and have 1/2 at lunch and 1/2 at dinner.

Small Changes Add Up

Anything you can do to reduce the amount of sweet treats in your diet will really help your nutrition and body weight management in the end. Even small changes, repeated on a daily basis, can add up over time.

Everything in Moderation

If you do like sweets, it is important that you don’t try to completely restrict them from your diet, because then you will probably want them even more. Remember, everything in moderation!

Healthy Kids

While our own health is important, it is critical that we consider this ChooseMyPlate graphic when we are thinking about meals for our children or grandchildren. We want to ensure kids get their nutritional requirements for the day, and maintain a healthy weight. We also want to teach kids good eating habits that will start at a young age and last throughout their lifetimes.

Hopefully, following this nutritional guideline for most meals, we will give the kids in our family a better chance for a long, healthy and happy life.

What could be more important?

Click on the link at www.choosemyplate.com to learn more.

Project management is the application of knowledge, skills, tools, and techniques to project activities to meet the project requirements. It is the proactive management of a project to help increase the likelihood that the project will be successful. 

The Project Management Institute (PMI) has created the Project Management Body of Knowledge (PMBOK 4.0) which serves as “best practices” to be used for all projects, regardless of the project type or the industry. However, the appropriate project management guidelines should be reviewed and customized for each project to be sure there is enough structure to add value but not too much that it bogs down the project team unnecessarily.

So, a construction project will have similar project management guidelines applied to it as a software development project. There may be more or less guidelines applied, but overall the project management is going to be similar on both types of projects.

For example, the process groups involved in Project Management for both projects (construction and software) may include: Initiating, Planning, Executing, Monitoring & Controlling, and Closing.

In addition, the knowledge areas involved in Project Management for both projects (construction and software) may include: Integration, Scope, Time (schedule), Cost, Quality, Human Resources (people), Communications, Risk, and Procurement (purchasing).

Product Development

While project management focuses on the management of a project, product development focuses on the development of a product. Yet, there is a subset between the two that may overlap (see image).

For the most part, the project management guidelines used on projects should be similar (more or less) even if they are applied to very different types of projects. This is typically not the case for product development. Each type of “product” may have its own development approach.

For example, the development of a new computer might include: Concept, Feasibility, Definition, Implementation, Beta Testing, Deployment.

Or, the development of a new software application might include: Define, Design, Develop, Deliver.

Finally, the development of a new house might include: Plan, Design, Construct, Inspect, Close.

Well, you get the idea.

The subject of health focuses on the physical, mental, and social well-being of an individual. Good health is usually associated with the absence of serious injury or illness, disease and pain.

Definition of Health Management

Health Management is the proactive management of an individual’s health at an early age as it relates to the human body, mind, and social well-being. The goal is to try and lead a healthy lifestyle while minimizing the risk of serious injury or illness, disease, and pain whenever possible.  

Importance of Health Management

A healthy body, mind, and social well-being is critical for success and happiness at home, at school, and at work. If an individual is healthy, there is more time and energy that can be focused on maintaining positive relationships at home. At school, a healthy individual will tend to be more alert and have the energy and drive to focus on performing well in academic subjects.  Also, feeling good may translate into a better mood and ultimately, better behavior at school.  If an individual is sick, then the focus is on getting better, not on external relationships, academic performance, or individual behavior. As a child gets older and involved at work, a healthy body, mind, and social well-being is important to have the positive energy and stamina to work hard and the positive mental health and attitude to collaborate well with others for professional success.    

Health Management Scope

The scope of this topic at Cognitra includes the following main areas: 

• Eating healthy foods such as grains, nuts, fruits and vegetables.
• Trying to maintain a healthy weight appropriate for the height, age, sex, and body size of the individual.
• Losing weight to ensure body weight is within professional recommended weight ranges.
• Maintaining a healthy mental state including the proactive management of stress.
• Avoiding negative impacts on health such as addictions to food, nicotine, drugs and alcohol.
• Avoiding risky behaviors such as unprotected sex, lack of seatbelt use, and more.
• Ensuring body muscles are exercised and strengthened in a safe and consistent manner. 
• Ensuring daily body maintenance and hygiene.
• Having many positive relationships in life, while minimizing negative relationships if possible.
• Making regular doctor and dentist appointments based on professional recommendations.

Health Management Learning Goal

The goal is to start out with very simple health management concepts when children are young and get more sophisticated as the age of the student progresses. Each lesson should build on the one before it. If we teach kids how to manage their own health when they are young, over time they should get much better at managing their health, which in turn, should ultimately lead to more personal and professional success and happiness.

A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other. These relationships can have a positive, negative or indifferent impact on the individual depending on the situation.

Types of Relationships

There can be a number of different types of relationships including family relationships, relationships between friends, romantic or intimate relationships, relationships between members on a common team, networking relationships to seek out ways to satisfy needs or opportunities, relationships between children and adults such as a teacher in school or a boss at work, and so on.

Definition of Relationship Management

Relationship management is the proactive management of these relationships to increase the number of positive relationships in life and conversely, minimize the negative relationships. 

Importance of Relationship Management

On the professional side, enhanced relationship management skills are becoming ever more important as work gets done through collaborative teams across multiple cultures and time zones. Since work is all about getting things done through people, relationship management skills are critical. On the personal side, it is imperative that students have the relationship management skills to have healthy, long-term relationships with a partner or spouse. In other ways, relationship management skills may be necessary for self-preservation and perhaps even survival when it comes to bullying or domestic violence. 

Relationship Management Scope

The scope of this topic at Cognitra includes the following main areas: 

• The personality style continuum of Submissive, Assertive, Aggressive
• Introvert versus extrovert
• How to manage conflict, including bullying
• Anger management and self-control
• Diversity of relationships 
• Cultural impact on relationships
• Time allocation and focus to maintain positive relationships
• Using technology to manage relationships
• Minimizing negative relationships

Relationship Management Learning Goal

The goal is to start out with very simple relationship management concepts when children are young and get more sophisticated as the age of the student progresses. Each lesson should build on the one before it. If we teach kids how to manage relationships when they are young, over time they should get much better at managing relationships in their personal and professional lifetimes, which in turn, should lead to more success and happiness.

1. Money Silence

For many kids, they learn about money by sitting in a shopping cart and observing adults. Don’t overlook the everyday learning opportunities to talk to them about what you are doing as you are shopping and checking out.

The easiest thing for kids to understand at this age is to actually see the money, especially as it is exchanged between an adult and cashier. So, for smaller purchases, you should  use cash instead of a check, credit, or debit card. 

This age range is also a great time to read to kids. Money books with lots of pictures (interaction is even better!) and simple stories work best.

There are some really good preschool money apps for the Apple iPhone, IPod Touch, and IPad Tablet that can be purchased at  iTunes. Alternatively, good applications that can help preschool children learn about money that run on hardware devices using the Android operating software can be purchased at Google.

Once kids can count they can start learning about the value of money. Ex. A nickel is counting from 1 to 5.

As kids feel more comfortable with money, you can help them “earn” money by participating in learning activities while saving up.

Preschoolers usually can only wait a few days to save up and buy something. Obviously, start with something very small and work your way up as the child ages and understands more about money and simple money management.

If the child can’t wait for an item, and as a result, doesn’t have enough money saved yet, make sure you don’t give in and make up the difference so the child can buy the item now. It is critical that kids this age learn how to delay instant or short-term gratification, especially when it comes to money.

Bottom line: Make sure learning about money is fun!

References

1. Clark Smart Parents, Clark Smart Kids (Howard, 2005)

2. Kids and Money (Searls, 1996)

3. Money for Teens (Shelly, 2001)

4. Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees (Godfrey, 2006)

5. Raising Money Smart Kids (Bodnar, 2005)

I have been waiting for the roar to die down over the “tiger mom” or “extreme parenting” discussion as of late.  If you are not up on the controversy,  you can learn more at

Tiger Mom Parenting Style on Time Website 

Tiger Mom Parenting Style on MSNBC Website

Cognitra Goals

At Cognitra, our mission is to help children learn about important topics that are typically not covered in an academic environment, such as Conflict Management, Money Management, Project Management, and Relationship Management. 

Cognitra has three main goals for this type of self-improvement and self-enrichment social learning:

So kids…

• Don’t have to always learn the hard way about life like we did
• Can better compete in a global world for good jobs when they grow up
• Can be happy and successful – in life, at school, and eventually at work

High Expectations

I think it is good to have high expectations for our kids. One of our most important roles as a parent is to help our children be the best that they can be. Sometimes we forget about this critical parental role when we are so busy in our daily lives and long to relax when we have a moment to spare. Ultimately, we should try to raise a child who is successful, from a personal and professional perspective, and someone who will make positive contributions to society if possible.

Play and Have Some Fun

On the other hand, kids need to have a chance to be….well….kids. Children should be allowed to play and have some fun – even downtime to recharge and reengerize just like adults. Perhaps even be bored for a change! Like most parents, I want my children to have  happy memories of their childhood. It can’t be all work and no play. Seriously, who would choose that kind of dreary life willingly?

Different Parenting Needs

And kids from the same family can be so different. What parenting style worked well for one sibling may not work so well for the others. And some kids have developmental delays so parenting styles must be flexible to address these special needs. In addition, if there is too much stress on a child or if the pressure to be perfect is taken to heart, some kids will become severely depressed – even to the point of suicide. This is a serious risk that all parents should strongly consider when deciding on a parenting style.

Everything in Moderation

Which brings me to my final point. Remember what we have learned numerous times over the course of our lives – everything in moderation. This includes a good balance to parenting. We want to have high expectations for good behavior and academic performance for our kids but not to the point that we eliminate all opportunities for them to play and have fun.  We should strive to raise successful children who are also very happy and well-adjusted. After all, isn’t that what parenting is all about?

What do you think?