Best Blog Ever

This blog still exists?!

noreply@blogger.com (The Khanh is Dead.) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 05:32:00 +0000

I'm on W's comp. As per usual, he's talking someone off a ledge somewhere in another room. He is. The person is not. His place on the first floor. There are no ledges. The worse that could happen is that a terra cotta pot would fall off a sill and he may prick himself trying to clean up the mess. The worst that could happen.

Or the fact that I'm being left to my own devices while he talks someone else off a ledge and boredom drives me to one.

But you know.

Insert cute puppies leaping here.

Help me out, guys

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Wed, 20 May 2009 00:12:00 +0000

I need the things you don't want people knowing you've done, or are thinking.

Things My Mother Shouldn't Read

Our first entry went up today and it's about Casual Encounters!

Sexy.

Dear BBC America,

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Sat, 02 May 2009 23:25:00 +0000

Fuck You.

Speaking of Crazy

noreply@blogger.com (alice) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:24:00 +0000

In light of recent events giving online hookups a bad name, I've been thinking.
Is it unethical to harness the crazy the internet has to offer by purposely seeking out the psychos? I'm not talking scary psychos, though for a girl looking for a guy, the line is much finer than a m4w, I'd say. So this is more conjecture and less an actual plan on my part. I just can't help thinking it's a shame the power of these crazies won't be able to make me laugh as much as i deserve.

I recently signed up for OkCupid, though immediately realized I have no place there, and don't want to meet anyone. I have plenty of good friends and am not looking for a boyfriend. I don't even like people I don't already know, so I pretty much ignore it. But i do check in every once in a while for curiosity's sake. A few days ago i received a note from someone calling himself Pete1. Here goes (prepare gag reflex):

As I Pluck you down from your tree out of my reach 12
I would savor your flavor just like a ripe peach. 12
Want to walk hand in hand with you across the beach. 12
So many lessons in love I'd like you to teach. 12

You say that you were working so hard at your school, 12
As I wipe off my chin overflowing with drool, 12
Your pictures responsible; this nat'(u)ral event, 12
Know all of this is true; that what I said I meant. 12

What I said was genuine, I wipe off the glob 12
Because it is my heart that you've have managed to rob. 12
Remain convinced that you're act-u-lee a burglar, 12
Still really want to take you out for a burger. 12

I know there is more to you than read-uh-lee seen, 12
As my waking thoughts are plagued with you in my dreams12
It is for only you that this here song is sung, 12
I really want to massage; your lips with my tounge. 12

Out of my mouth; with all of the things that I had said, 12
This insane balding man; who is out of his head. 12
Hope I kept your int-rest with this here little poem, 12
And within your eyes fine-a-lee find a new home. 12

Uh. User blocked, obv. But I just went back to the email message because I couldn't help wanting to get to the end of the poem. In order to do that I had to go onto his profile and unblock him. Minutes (seconds?) later I get a new email message. Oh boy:

It's good to know that you are a human furnace, 12
Really think that you are hot enough to burn us, 12
So I hem and haw just left with only here: this, 12
As I stand here just begging for your touch and your kiss, 12

I ask you like princess Leah from the star wars, 12

"Help me here my dear, 6
You are my only hope" 6
As I tighten my noose, 6
And unfurl my own rope. 6
I hope to hear from you...6
Before I hang this dope. 6

Not speaking of me here, but of your ex-boyfriend. 12

I've got that sucker tied up in my basement here, 12
This poor guy is filled with nothing but dread and fear. 12
Keeping him captive 'till I hear from you again. 12
Because you know I want to be more than just friends. 12

I am literally just reading this for the first time.
I think I just changed my mind. In conclusion, maybe avoid psychos at all costs.
Unless you are a male looking for a female. If that applies to you, I still expect some good stories.

Crazy ass bitch stabs lead singer of Ladytron for not signing autograph in timely enough fashion

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:06:00 +0000

details unnecessary.

Happy Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:34:00 +0000

This is the type of thing my boyfriend sends me when he's bored:

Cheers.

Screw you all

noreply@blogger.com (alice) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:02:00 +0000

For not showing me this video earlier.
How very dare you.

Best part of this video

why is it okay when someone your own age

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 05:28:00 +0000

baby's you, but it's not okay when your parents do it?

The Medium Must Be Colonized.

zipthwung@gmail.com (zipthwung) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 05:27:00 +0000

april 20th is the day when

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:40:00 +0000

it all goes down.

sex with whores

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:07:00 +0000

OMG! so fucking awesome. seriously. last night. wow. i mean... wow.

It's all very fascinating really.

noreply@blogger.com (The Khanh is Dead.) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:57:00 +0000

I was in a tutoring session a few minutes ago. The student in question and I were working very hard on a paper about the person in his or her life that inspired him or her the most. The source of inspiration was an uncle, born out of poverty in one of those countries you assume growing out of poverty is the norm who came to this country to make something of himself. A millionaire. That's what he made of himself. In and of itself, I was inspired because I was born a generation out of a generation born of poverty and all I got to be was an educator helping students write papers about people who truly inspire them.
Then, the bell rang for lunch and he was gone. Barely a goodbye. Nary a thank you as he grabbed the remainder of his paperwork. Should I have expected anything in return. No, perhaps not. I, after all, am not the sort of person that inspires greatness. Millionaire uncles are.
I guess I can go take a lunch break myself as no one else has come in to my office hours. I think I'll go drive around the neighborhood and smoke a cigarette while I contemplate why I should encourage kids to stay in school when I'm frantically trying to get out.

Something important could be going on here. I just don't know.

People Are Stupid

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 03:51:00 +0000

"A British couple is said to have come to regret naming their son Drew Peacock upon belatedly realizing that running the name together can produce an unsavory interpretation."

Gee, ya think?

Source

he also pulls my hair and it hurts.

noreply@blogger.com (alice) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:36:00 +0000

this morning my sort-of-boyfriend shoved a bunched up ball of dirty underwear in my face when i was trying to sleep and asked me if it was dirty or not.

should i break up w/him?

Mountain Madness

zipthwung@gmail.com (zipthwung) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:22:00 +0000

The best-known example of that is the Fore people of Papua New Guinea, who from the 19th century to the late 1950's held ''mortuary feasts'' on deceased relatives.

From the 1920's to the 60's, an epidemic of kuru, a prion disease, killed more than 200 Fore a year, especially women, who ate brains while men ate muscle. A study of 30 elderly Fore women who survived the era showed that 23 had the prion-protection gene, which was far less common among Fore born later, suggesting that it had protected them

image stolen from another blog, but relevant, i think

noreply@blogger.com (Cartooniste) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:06:00 +0000

the stereos are going to pump me

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:33:00 +0000

and all the rappers in the top 10? please allow me to bump thee.

Schlizm Time

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:12:00 +0000

Schlizm. Definition: the time it takes a person to recover and move on after hearing the sound of a fingernail scratching on a chalkboard (or similar occurrence). Every individual will have their own personal schlizm time.

I have never had sex with a man

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:29:00 +0000

Nor do I have any intentions of ever doing so. But, just for the sake of discussion, should a master race of aliens take over the planet and force me to have sexual relations with “another” man, here is a partial list I would submit for their consideration:

Leslie Cheung
Tony Leung
Rafa Nadal
Gael Garcia Bernal
Johnny Depp (I mean seriously? kindofa no brainer?)
Ryan Phillippe (fuck you Tamasine)
River Phoenix
NOT Tom Brady
NOT Ben Affleck (hell no, maybe Matt Damon though, maybe, okay fine)
David Bowie (come on?)
A really young Serge Gainsbourg (emphasis on REALLY young; and he has to sing to me before; this maybe should be in a different post)

How many is that? Ahh fuckit. Post.

yes i got my ass handed to me

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:22:00 +0000

you happy now? she got top 30 million. i got top, let's just say it weren't 30 million. dammit. i still suck. but it's not my fault. people kept rubbing up against me while i was trying to concentrate. do they do that to federer? in the middle of a big match, does some dude give him the butt brush? the loose left hand? the breeze by, with a little wobbly wobbly? no i don't know what that meant. the bottom line, is i lost big time. let's say double big time, to be more precise. but. again. it was other peoples' fault. also there was a bit of excitement and high anxiety at the start of the evening when the machine went all angry at us, for unclear reasons. and it decided to not give us our due ball. my co-enabler/ass-hander, who will be known as "the drink buyer (pusher is more like)," had to do a major tilt. i was just standing there moping and about to cry, like the fag i apparently am. you know, because it was over. forever? but she (and her clearly much more effective liver) snapped right into action. it was straight out of the 70s. it was awesome. we didn't know what to expect. bells and whistles going off. sirens. monkeys flying down from the rafters. headed straight for our eyeballs. surely. they do still have claws you know? but we waited. and waited. and waited. and eventually. it was back on. the sirens stopped. the bells and whistles. the embarrassment we were supposed to be feeling. the monkeys. it all went away suddenly. the ball came out. and then the beating resumed. my beating. my punishment. for sucking. big time.

total cost, including drinks, i'd say...$42
total shame, including drinks, i'd say...par

khanh 'll be pleased.

i would have to say the whole evening can pretty much be summed up like this:

quarters

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 23:32:00 +0000

guy in cap: i'll take um...how many do you have?
cute mexican girl beyond window: well you can have as many as you want, but we do take 25 cent from each roll?
gic: um...give me two then.
cmgbw: okay, you wan me to take the 50 cent from one of the rolls.
gic: sure.
cmgbw: okay. you gonna do laundry?
gic (smiling): um, pinball.
cmgbw (smiling): oh.
gic: yeah and i suck. so i need a lot.
cmgbw (smiling): next.

different times call for different crimes

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 01:31:00 +0000

people.

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:34:00 +0000

something different happened last night

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:51:00 +0000

which i will tell about eventually. soon. very soon.

i never said it was going to be easy

noreply@blogger.com (Cold Bacon) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:48:00 +0000

i thought it. sure. but i never said it.