CollegeHumor: Recent Articles

5 Windows 7 Features You Probably Didn't Know About

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:00:00 -0500

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Written 2009-11-16 18:00:00 by Jason Michaels from

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Aladdin Finds a Loophole

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

Aladdin: Genie, I've got my first wish.

Genie: Alright, let's hear it.

Aladdin: I want Princess Jasmine to lust for me non-stop.

Genie: Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in love with -

Aladdin: No. Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love required.

Genie: Oh...come on. That's pretty much the same thing.

Aladdin: I live on the streets and my best friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?

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Written 2009-11-16 17:00:00 by Andrew B. from

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Roommate Confessions: Issue 103

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0500

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page! Hey, annoying-as-hell roommate that insults everyone she meets and wonders why she has no friends. You haven't washed a single dish since moving in, you take my food, you forget your keys and text me nonstop to open the door at 4 am, and you visited Japan once and think it gives you the right to slurp your soup as loud as you can. I put salt in the soil where you've been trying to grow a bonsai tree. You're not Asian. You never will be. Shut up and wash your god damn dishes. Jenna S., University of Victoria Hey, remember how you and your friends tormented me the entire year by deliberately throwing parties in the room above my bedroom when you knew I had work the next day? And then remember how when I was out of town, you all got a little out of control and started stripping and taking photos? And how someone was stupid enough to post them on facebook? Yeah, I know you had them deleted, but not soon enough. I have them, and I'm sending them to your boss. Enjoy unemployment. Vicki, School Not Given Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-16 16:00:00 by Jeff Rosenberg from 37 likes

How To Get Any Girl To Sleep With You (Part 2)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500

Well well well...It's come to my attention that despite my previous and painfully clear instructions, some of you are still failing to nail any chick you want. Weird, I know. But because my drop-dread good looks and winning personality are matched only by my boundless compassion, I've decided to give you helpless few some more inside advice to aid you in your carnal pursuits. So if babies, sandwiches, and periodic clubbings didn't do it for you, here are some more tips for getting the lady of your dreams this semester...

This week on Springer

1. Find Her Best Friend and Hit on Her

The modern woman isn't afraid of a challenge and nothing sparks that competitive flame within us all like pitting two friends against each other. Here's the thing fellas, behind every obnoxious BFF LYLAS 4 EVA friendship is the insatiable desire to claw each others' eyes out. Why else would chicks dig pillow fights and mud wrestling so much? Start talking up the object of your desire (henceforth known as "Prey") and then flip the switch and go for her friend. I know what you're thinking, "Won't they both see through my thinly veiled attempt to double my odds?" The answer, of course, is no. We're not that smart.

2. Be Yourself

Now that you've got the attention of her and her friend, feel free to just let your guard down and be... hahaha just kidding.

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Written 2009-11-16 15:00:00 by Marina Cockenberg

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Amazing Superpowers

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500

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	Written 2009-11-16 13:00:00 by AmazingSuperPowers 96 likes

9 Celebrity Package Names

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0500

It's a well-known fact that guys like to name their junk. Balls, shaft, the whole package. Celebrities are no different. Through extensive personal research, I managed to compile this list of celebs and the nicknames that they have for their bits and pieces.

NOTE: In case it's not clear, balls are listed first. Of course.

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons:
Itchy, Scratchy, Bleeding Gums Murphy

Robert DeNiro, actor:
The Untouchables, Raging Bull

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Written 2009-11-16 12:00:00 by Jon Wolf from

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Drunk-O-Vision IX

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0500

Things look a little different when you're drunk... Sober :: Drunk Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-13 16:00:00 by Streeter Seidell from 693 likes

Pop Culture QuickNotes: November 13

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500

Happy Veteran's Day, everyone! I hope you all played a lot of Modern Warfare 2 to honor our troops. Nothing says 'thank you' quite like a predator missile. FRAG OUT! This week on Gossip Girl, the controversial, much-talked-about threesome finally took place. And it included a grand total of three PG kisses (watch here). Lame. If you want me, I'll be watching True Blood, where someone fcks every single episode. (Egotastic) Last week, rumors hit of a Jennifer Lopez* sex tape. This week, we learned that the tape (made when JLo was 28), features JLo in skimpy clothing and, more importantly, fighting with her mother. EVERY MAN'S FANTASY! (WWTDD) Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was denied this week, after Rihanna refused a $10,000 bottle of champagne that he sent to her table. So Rihanna is like the New Orleans Saints in this scenario? Or the Dolphins? Or the Bills, I can't decide. (Celebslam) Nicolas Cage owes $6 million in back taxes and is now suing his money manager. Because I'm sure his money manager is the one who told him to buy two yachts, a jet, three castles, two islands, 12 mansions and a dinosaur skull. (IDLYITW) Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-13 15:00:00 by Sarah Schneider from 55 likes

Gift Ideas for Always Sunny Fans

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:00:00 -0500

With the holidays approaching, what do you get the Always Sunny fan who has everything? Here are a few ideas inspired by some of our favorite episodes. Mom, I hope you're reading.

1) Greenman Suit
Inspired by: America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest (also, The Gang Gets Invincible)
The ultimate gift for an Always Sunny Fan. Be prepared to see more of your friend's crotch than you ever hoped to see.

2) Fight Club
Inspired by: Hundred Dollar Baby
The movie that inspired the episode that inspired this gift idea. Phewf.

3) Poker Chip Set
Inspired by: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody
Give your friend the tools he needs to set up his own Vietnamese gambling ring in the basement. Just make sure those tools don't include guns.

4) Lifesize Cutouts of Sinbad and Rob Thomas
Inspired by: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life
Your friend will probably hate you for this a few months down the road, but for now, you are the king of giving presents.

5) Magnet
Inspired by: The Waitress Is Getting Married
Magnets, the ultimate hobby. For bonus points, boil a steak in honey and milk.

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Written 2009-11-13 14:00:00 by CH Staff

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This Week In History: November 5th-11th, 2109 A.D.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0500

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Written 2009-11-13 12:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from

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Prank War 8 Is Up!

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:00:00 -0500

It's been two years since I last pranked Streeter. Now the wait is over. Click the picture to see the video. View Article

	Written 2009-11-12 18:00:00 by Amir Blumenfeld from 324 likes

Classic Titles Made Sarcastic With Quotation Marks

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

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	Written 2009-11-12 17:00:00 by Patrick Cassels from 312 likes

Dating, It's Complicated: Issue #26

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0500

Dating someone? Well great! Send your craziest, funniest, most embarrassing dating related stories to me at dating.itscomplicated[at]gmail.com!

My ex-girlfriend truly believes 2012 is the end of the world. She bet me 50 dollars that the world would end in 2012. I explained to her if the world is going to end, then there's no way I could pay her. I either win the bet, or we're all dead. With a frustrated look on her face, she doubled the bet to 100 dollars.
-Thomas, UCSD

I go to a Christian College. I met a girl from the local State school and invited her over to watch a movie. I told her to pick the movie so she rented "The strangers" because it was close to Halloween. She got mad when she got to my dorm and realized that we had to watch the movie in our dorm lobby because our dorm rules only allow girls in our rooms from 6-9 P.M. once every 3 weeks. It got worse because I told her rated R movies are banned on campus. About 25 minutes into the movie the dorm manager noticed we were watching an R-rated movie, turned it off, and kicked the girl out. It's safe to say that any chance with her is gone, she hasn't answered any of my calls and I am transferring ASAP.
-Dustin, Lincoln Christian College

When I was in 8th grade, I started getting these weird phone calls and messages from this girl at a rival high school. I thought it was weird, but decided to roll with it because I hadn't exactly been the luckiest stud on the block. She started leaving really graphic messages about what she wanted to do to me, so I decided to call her back. It was at this point she told me it was all an elaborate prank that her and her best friend had come up with after drinking 2 Mike's Hard Lemonade's a piece. Mike's. Hard. Lemonade.
-Alex

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Written 2009-11-12 16:00:00 by Jason Michaels from

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If Videogame Characters Used Netflix

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500

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Written 2009-11-12 15:00:00 by Alex Schmidt from

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The Coolest Rollerblade Trick

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500

Get the most out of your blades in 3 easy steps! Step 1! As strange as it seems, the first step is removing your rollerblades. Wacky, I know, but trust me! Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-12 13:00:00 by Streeter Seidell from 147 likes

Pickup Lines Of 10 Historical Figures: Part 2

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:01:00 -0500

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	Written 2009-11-11 17:01:00 by Conor McKeon from 365 likes

The 5 People You Really Should Not Be Friends With on Facebook

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500

5. That Person Who Lives On Your Floor Freshman Year You don't know them now, and you won't know them later. Friending them 2 weeks into college just assures you'll be consistently invited to events from whatever obscure club they joined to actually make friends until you finally de-friend them senior year. And you'll still feel bad doing it. 4. Your Boss Just because you sling espresso drinks together at Starbucks on the weekends does NOT mean you'll want to see his family pictures. Kiss any work-related FML's goodbye or expect an awkward comment both on Facebook and when you don the green apron. Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-11 17:00:00 by Emily 179 likes

Parents Just Don't Understand: 11/11

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0500

Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace,""SpaceBook,"or "The World Wide Web?" If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here! And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are! Your parents' Blu-ray. My mom once asked my friend, very earnestly, "Tim... what does an MP3 look like?" Max L, University of Arizona My grandmother called me and told me she was having problems with her cell phone battery. I drove 20 miles to get to her house. When I got there she had two AA batteries. She swore they were in the phone before she opened it. Hunter S My mom pointed to her Blackberry and asked "How do I write on somebody's wallpaper with this thing?" Later she asked, "Why can't I write on your dad's face?" Kevin Deskins, Columbus State Community College My dad still orders things out of catalogs. Kelli K, University of Wisconsin My mom's relationship status on Facebook is "It's Complicated." Ibrought this up to her because my parents are married. Her response:"Well, it is!" P J Keep Reading

	Written 2009-11-11 16:00:00 by Susanna Wolff from 78 likes

Meat Loaf Reveals What He Won't Do For Love

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500

Meat Loaf: You like it when The Loaf kisses your neck?

Girl: Ohhhh yeah, baby. Just like th- Wait!

Meat Loaf: What's wrong?

Girl: You can't just get right to it like that.

Meat Loaf: Why not?

Girl: We need...you know. Foreplay.

Meat Loaf: Oh. Wow. Yeah. Not really my thing.

Girl: I thought you said you'd do anything for love?

Meat Loaf: Right. But I won't do that.

Girl: That's what you were talking about? I always thought it was something more profound...

Meat Loaf: Nope. I just don't like going down on chicks.

Girl: So you'd go to "hell and back" before you'd perform oral sex on me?

Meat Loaf: Haha, now you're just trying to make me sound bad.

Girl: I just don't think it's fair.

Meat Loaf: Look, The Loaf doesn't need foreplay to get chicks wet.

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Written 2009-11-11 15:00:00 by Brian Murphy

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Amount of Weight You've Gained Since School Started

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500

Half-eaten chili dogs left under your mattress High School friends saying "you've filled out." High School friends saying "Holy Sh*t!" High School friends impressed with "College You" Self-Deprecating "Freshman 15" Jokes Likelihood your nickname is "Slim" Blood Pizza sauce where there used to be blood View Article

	Written 2009-11-11 13:00:00 by CH Staff 51 likes