CollegeHumor: Articles

9 Movie Reasons Why You're Bleeding Right Now

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:00:04 -0500

If Presidents Wrote the President's Fitness Challenge

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Founding Fathers

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

I know it’s Presidents Day, but the truth is America’s in rough shape. If only our Founding Fathers were around, their political genius could restore our great nation.

-With the help of scientists, George Washington arrives in 2012. He finds the nearest functioning computer and watches Internet porn.

-With the help of scientists, John Adams arrives in 2012. He finds the nearest functioning computer and watches Internet porn, nodding at Washington at the next computer.

-With the help of scientists, Thomas Jefferson arrives in 2012. He finds the nearest computer and watches Internet porn. The scientists approach Jefferson and ask if he can help restore our great nation. “For sure, one sec,” Jefferson says, not really looking up. The scientists wait but Jefferson never moves.

-With the help of scientists, Alexander Hamilton arrives in 2012. “Let’s get to work restoring this great nation,” he says. The scientists thank Hamilton for not wanting to watch Internet porn. “Oh shoot, that,” Hamilton says and finds the nearest computer and watches Internet porn.

-With the help of scientists who have hidden all the remaining computers in the White House, James Madison arrives in 2012. He goes for a walk in the Rose Garden to mentally prepare a speech. Six hours later the scientists find Madison naked in the broom closet watching Internet porn on seven different computers. The scientists resolve to find a better hiding space next time.

-With the help of scientists, Benjamin Franklin arrives in 2012, already watching Internet porn on a crude laptop he invented.

-With the help of scientists, Martha Washington arrives in 2012. The scientists ask if she can get her husband to stop watching Internet porn “just for like a day.” She approaches her husband. “Wow,” she says, “that’s, uh, some hardcore stuff you’re watching.” Her eyes glaze over and she points to the screen. “Click that one.”

-With the help of Martha Washington, the entire Continental Congress arrives in 2012 and watches Internet porn.
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Axe Cop: Episode 132

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

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Political Party Games

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Airport Security

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

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If TV Channels were Your Family

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Say NO To Handjobs

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

The philosophers tell us that everyone has, at some point in their life, given or received a handjob*. Science bears this out. Thing is, though, that handjobs just aren’t that great. Nobody really likes giving them, and, save for a pretty good half-second towards the end, nobody really likes receiving them. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself. At their core, they are fundamentally flawed: Someone else is just never going to be able to do you as well as you can do yourself**.

So thank your partner kindly, zip up your fly, and say no to handjobs. Here’s why:

Handjobs are juvenile, fumbling, and furtive. They are the sex act that people use to make fun of middle schoolers. If your spouse catches you having sex with someone else, he or she will be horrified. If your spouse catches you getting a handjob from someone else, he or she will humiliate you relentlessly, and rightfully so: It is barely one notch above being caught having sex dressed as Mr. Met. Just say no.

Handjobs require no skill or finesse beyond the most basic motor skills. They are what you do when you’ve got no idea what’s going on down there. You could probably get a perfectly adequate one from a dolphin, an animal with no hands to speak of. Handjobs are like when your friend comes over to play Street Fighter even though he has no idea how to play Street Fighter, so he just mashes on the buttons and does uppercuts over and over. More often than not, he’ll actually end up winning, but neither of you will feel very good about it. Just say no.

Handjobs are non-committal. There is nothing intimate or engaging about them. Someone could be giving you a handjob at the same time that they’re reading a book, doing one-handed push-ups, or choking a someone to death. If that someone is you, please, know your limits, make sure your partner is CPR certified, and have a spotter on hand, preferably a trained EMT. Asphyxiation during sex acts is very dangerous if improperly done, even with a partner present. Just say no.

Handjobs indicate that something’s terribly wrong. If you’ve stumbled back to someone’s dorm at two AM, and you’ve taken more shots than you had hours of sleep the night before, and you’re giving or getting a handjob, that’s when you stop and ask yourself, Talking Heads style, “Is this where I want to be? Is this the person I would like to be with?” More often than not, the answer is no. Maybe you should have Just [said] no.

Handjobs are discriminatory: They discriminate against people with hooks for hands. I can’t think of anyone else against whom handjobs are discriminatory, but people with hooks for hands are pretty important, especially in the wake of World War I. Just say no.

“But Dan,” you’re screaming, spit dripping down your chin, “If not a handjob, then what?” Makin’ out’s not enough, but oral is too big of a step, and dry humping is a strange, terrifying ritual. The answer is obvious: armpit sex. It’s adult, intimate, requires skill beyond the basics, and does not discriminate against people with hooks for hands. With armpit sex, you get all this, but with no penetration or sharing of fluids. It is the perfect compromise. Say no to handjobs. Say yes to armpit sex.

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10 Political Pickup Lines

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Game Show

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

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5 Prix Fixe Menu Options for Valentine's Day

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Axe Cop: Episode 131

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

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Relationship PSAs

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Dating Dos and Don'ts

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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BAR Fight

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

Whoa, take it easy, guy. I didn’t mean to spill that shot one of those free drink broads handed out to me on your gray ribbed tank top. That’s not to say I didn’t do it intentionally, I did. I just didn&...

TV Valentine's Day Cards

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Click here for a printable version!

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Pediatrician vs Adult Doctor

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 09:00:03 -0500

Last month I had to finally make the switch from my childhood pediatrician to a new physician. I’m twenty-two; it probably should have happened a while ago, but I was always apprehensive about changing...

Valentine's Day Drink Recipes

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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What to Talk About Now That the Super Bowl Has Passed

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

Football season is great: it brings friends together, television commercials get better, the games give you an excuse to get your day-drunk on. Best of all, though, is that it p...

Flowchart: Do You Like Me?

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500