CollegeHumor: Articles

TV Valentine's Day Cards

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0500

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Pediatrician vs Adult Doctor

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 09:00:03 -0500

Last month I had to finally make the switch from my childhood pediatrician to a new physician. I’m twenty-two; it probably should have happened a while ago, but I was always apprehensive about changing...

Valentine's Day Drink Recipes

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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What to Talk About Now That the Super Bowl Has Passed

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

Football season is great: it brings friends together, television commercials get better, the games give you an excuse to get your day-drunk on. Best of all, though, is that it p...

Flowchart: Do You Like Me?

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

Axe Cop: Episode 130

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

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The 25 Best Sitcom Couples

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

We asked and you voted. Here are the top 25 sitcom couples of all time…

25.  Doug Funnie and Patty Mayonaise – “Doug”

Doug and Patty’s love clearly doesn’t extend towards their future children, who, one way or the other, are screwed in the last-name department.

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Your Super Bowl Party's Seating Chart

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:00:05 -0500

Take a look!

Death By Dental Floss

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:00:03 -0500

Gums
He’s not gonna do it.
Teeth
Oh, he’ll do it. What did it say on the calendar?
Gums
I don’t know.
Teeth

Star Trek: Unforeseen Consequences

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 08:00:05 -0500

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Letter of Recommendation From An Ex-Girlfriend

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

Dear Ex Girlfriend Michelle,

I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m applying to fornicate with a new girl and she’s requested a letter of recommendation. I’ve already taken the time to write it, you just need to sign. It would mean a lot to me.

Thanks,
Dan

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing on behalf of Daniel’s penis. I first met Daniel and his penis in the janitor’s closet freshman year, and I’ve known them for four years since. However, it was only during this past semester, when I had the pleasure of having Daniel’s penis in my Monday afternoon free period, that I really got to know them both well.

Throughout high school, other students and some faculty would often remark that Daniel’s penis was blessed with incredible talent. What many of them overlooked, and what I came to appreciate, is how hard Daniel and his penis worked to develop and refine said talent. The late nights, the early mornings, the countless hours poring over books in the library—they all contributed to making Daniel’s penis the penis it is today.

In my over twelve years of lovemaking, I have known only a few other penises with skill sets comparable to Daniel’s. However, most of these lacked its strong work ethic and attention to detail, and even fewer demonstrated an equal level of maturity. In particular, it knows when best to take charge and when it should instead defer to others’ judgment. I’ve never encountered another penis that works so flawlessly in both an individual and group setting.

It is bright, dedicated, respectful, and well rounded. Everyone who meets Daniel’s penis is, without exception, awed by the sheer number of activities it both engages in and excels at. Also deserving mention is its extensive work in the community, work that has positively changed the lives of countless individuals.

Furthermore, I wish to impress upon you how far Daniel’s penis has come. Few people know of the hardships he and his penis endured during their middle school years when one of his testicles struggled to drop and the other had problems at home. However, Daniel’s penis persevered and the time since has been characterized by substantial growth and development. Daniel credits this period of adversity for helping his penis overcome weaknesses it once possessed. Now, instead of being an object of ridicule, Daniel’s penis is a role model that others look up to.

Does it still have any weaknesses? Just the one, yes. It cares too much.

Fondly,
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Diagnosing Dot Coms

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 08:00:04 -0500

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New Year's Resolutions: A Month Later

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 08:00:03 -0500

It’s February 1 already and, just like this time last year, you’re realizing you haven’t kept any of the New Year’s resolutions you made to yourself a month ago. You could decide that late is better than never, and start going to the gym this afternoon – but let’s be realistic: you’re a lazy piece of sh*t. If you couldn’t start your resolutions on January 1 when all your friends...

Make The Flying Sh*t

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:00:04 -0500

Dear Scientists,

Make the flying shit. It’s time.

You’ve done a wonderful job making the future as envisioned by so many writers of the past come true. We have phones that talk back to us now and cars that tell us where to go. We have robots that clean our houses and televisions that have a third dimension. We can speak to someone face to face even though they’re on the other side of the world and we can even go to space on a whim. A good many of us walk around with a device in our pocket that contains the accumulated knowledge of five thousand years of civilization. You’ve done an incredible job with all of this. So I think it’s time we make the flying shit.

I know what you’re thinking, “but what about whole meals that come in pill form?” I’m sure if you put your minds to it, you could invent those, too. But nobody really wants that. We like eating meals. You know what we don’t like doing? Not flying. So let’s make the flying shit.

And you know what shit I’m talking about. I’m talking about anything with “hover” in it’s name. I know you can make it if you get to work. So go for it. Let’s make the flying shit.

And, No, planes and helicopters are not the flying shit, so stop pretending like you already invented it. Too complicated. I’m talking about the flying shit any idiot can use.

Medicine is great. So are computers. But surely we can spare a few scientists to work on the flying shit? Whoever was going to work on making radio better, let’s put them on the flying shit. Or the people working on making robots that look like people. We don’t need that, those only lead to trouble. Flying shit is a much better investment, long term.
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Axe Cop: Episode 129

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:00:03 -0500

CLICK TO EXPAND

Newt Gingrich's Moon Base

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 08:00:04 -0500

Last week Republican Presidential nominee Newt Gingrich vowed to have a colony on the moon by the end of his second term. We just got an exclusive look at some of his early sketches. Take a look…

News Feed History of the World: January 2012

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:00:05 -0500

12 3 4

What Part of "Ultimate Power in the Universe" Was Unclear?

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:00:03 -0500

INTERIOR: DEATH STAR — CONFERENCE ROOM.

MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the ...

Amazing Dad Magic

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 08:00:05 -0500

10 Roommate Red Flags

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:00:05 -0500

Now, clearly we could let you know that Dancing with the Stars, Sex and the City, and the entire Lifetime network would make this list, but those are deal breakers. If you find yourself in that situation, run as fast as you can in the other direction. As far those that we’ve included on this list are concerned, these are what we call the “Gateway Shows” to hours upon hours of mindless, miserable shows that will leave any true man scratching his head or wanting to beat himself over the top of said head….

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