Often an unhealthy pattern has developed. And, given the nature of relationships, it is not uncommon for emotion to be involved – often large amounts of emotions. And we usually think that the other person needs to change something in order for things to improve.

An unhealthy pattern often plays out like this:

Your partner does something —> You react to what they do —> You do something —> Your partner reacts to what you do —> Your partner does something … etc.

When stress or anxiety levels increase within a relationship it can often be hard to figure out what is causing the situation, or more importantly how to change it. Often a power play can develop and perhaps neither party wants to show any weakness or be seen to be wrong.

However, trying to figure out who is right or who is wrong is not likely to solve the situation – as it’s often not as black and white as that.

While there may be a number of ways to move forward, from my experience a simple technique can often make a huge difference.

The technique is to Break the Cycle.

When an unhealthy pattern exists (as described above), one of the simplest ways to change the situation is to break the cycle. Instead of trying to get your partner to change something, YOU can actually be the one to make a change. The pattern above exists only because both parties are reacting to each other. By changing your behaviour you can actually initiate a change in the entire situation.

Think about how this unhealthy pattern plays out in your relationship and think about how you typically react. Then, next time, try to not react, or try to respond completely differently. If you’re successful in doing this then you’re also natually inviting your partner not to react in the way that they may typically react to your behaviour – because you won’t be behaving in the way that they expected.

And, don’t be surprised if you find it hard to change your behaviour, or it it takes a number of attempts. Given we’re so used to our patterns it naturally can be hard to change them. It’s important to keep working at it.

Once you’re successful you’ll realise that you have the power within yourself to change your relationship dynamic on your own.

Footnote: If implementing these steps is hard, or if you feel that you’re not making progress, then it may be worth considering individual or couples counseling to obtain additional professional support.

Harley Conyer

Menstuff

As men who often have a natural tendency to focus on providing for ourselves and others, it can be really easy to succumb to this sense of doom and despair. We can start to imagine the worst possible scenarios, and how these would affect our lives.

We may start to notice a sense of fear building up inside ourselves – perhaps our thoughts are becoming more pessimistic, or we notice that we feel more anxious or uncertain, or our plans, hopes or dreams are feeling somewhat dampened?

When shifts like this take place around us, it’s important to notice what is happening inside ourselves and to try to make a conscious choice about how we want to respond to these events, rather than just unconsciously reacting on autopilot.

Major drops on the various stock exchanges around the world are really just an economic expression of concern or fear for the future. If we jump on board and embrace this fear we become a part of it, and help to give it even more energy.

On the other hand, we can choose to acknowledge the reality of what is happening and to make some conscious choices about how we wish to respond or behave.

We can still choose to feel positive about our lives, and to continue to invest in our dreams and visions for the future. By doing so we allow ourselves to feel empowered and to be in control of our own futures. And, when we feel empowered, the effect on our lives and on the lives of those around us can be far more impactful … in a generative and positive way.

Succumbing to the fear of economic destruction requires us to give up our inner strength and masculine power in order to feel fearful and powerless, wih no control over our own futures.

The starting point is simply checking in and noticing how we are feeling about this, what sort of thoughts are turning up, and what sensations we can find in our bodies.

Once we are aware of what we are feeling, we can begin to take steps towards understanding that these feelings are simply reactions, and that we can choose to either empower them, or to begin to replace them with feelings that support the sort of energy that we wish to feel, express and project.

Our empowered masculine energy can help us to be leaders to those around us. We can be pillars of strength, provide positive foresight and insights, and provide a sense of safety and security that others may be feeling has suddenly disappeared from their lives.

The choice, while not necessarily easy, is simple. We can choose to feel powerless by climbing aboard the doom train that is about to leave the station. Or, we can reject the fear for ourselves and through our own empowerment show others that there is another way … that without sufficient passengers the doom train won’t get very far … and that we can choose to travel in a different direction.

Harley Conyer

www.menstuff.com.au

This weekly Men’s Meditation & Coaching Group been designed for you if you are interested in reducing your levels of stress, increasing your sense of wellbeing or developing a greater sense of fulfillment or clarity in your life.

For more information visit Men’s Monday Coaching & Meditation Group

www.menstuff.com.au

Even the terminology around sex and sexuality can be loaded. Yes, in our society, sexuality does mean a way to describe whether we are attracted to women, or men, or both. But, that is only one aspect of sexuality. Our sexuality is also the way we feel about ourselves sexually, the way we express ourselves sexually and the way we allow others to connect to us sexually.

Our sexuality is such a significant part of who we are, that I would even venture to say that our relationship to our sexuality, and ourselves as sexual beings, is often reflective of our overall relationship to ourselves and the world around us.

Do we have a healthy relationship to sex? Is sex about intimately connecting with another soul in an open, vulnerable, caring and respectful way that allows the yin and yang, the giving and receiving, to flow according to its own rhythm? Or is sex an act of love between two people? Or is sex just a physical collaboration? Or perhaps sex is about control and power?

And, if you have a sense of what sex and sexuality is for you, how different do you think you are in other relationship scenarios?

If you’re in a relationship, or have previously been in a relationship, have you really talked to your partner about what you like to do, and about your needs? And, I’m not talking just about the basic around ‘that was great’. I’m talking about your deepest sexual fantasies or desires, or even the moments in time where you’ve felt yourself most sexually connected to another being, or even the practical physical aspects of which parts of your body want/need to be touched?

Getting in touch with your sexuality, owning it, embracing it and allowing it to take you to places you’ve never dreamed about, is a powerful way for ordinary or even unsure men to become extraordinary and very real men.

Harley Conyer

www.menstuff.com.au

This program is a LifeCrafting Group (not a Menstuff) initiative. Having personally witnessed and experienced the quality and power of the leader of these programs, Menstuff is happy to recommend this program to any young man and their family.

For more information please click here: http://www.menstuff.com.au/workshops/awakening-the-leader-becoming-a-man/

www.menstuff.com.au

• Are you stuck at work?
• Do you feel you’re in a rut?
• Is your job a ‘dead-end’?
• Do you spend so much time at work that you don’t have time for the things you love?
• Do you have a difficult boss?
• Are you bored? Would you like to do something completely different?
• Do you feel like you can’t be yourself at work?

What is Finding Your Balls?

Finding Your Balls is about reconnecting with your manhood. Manhood is about knowing and using your inner strength, keeping true to your values as a man, relating to others with power and love. We call this way of being Testicular Intelligence (TQ). Too often the expression ‘finding your balls’ is about just getting tough. But there is so much more about being a man than being tough. It’s about re-connecting with your masculine values, In the workplace TQ is about finding a healthy balance between your inner needs, your desire to get ahead, and the needs of the organisation. It’s about reminding yourself what is important for you as a man, and taking steps to create the life you really want.

For more information about the workshop please go to http://www.menstuff.com.au/workshops/finding-your-balls-workshop-for-men-stuck-at-work/

Harley Conyer

www.menstuff.com.au

It took me a moment to consider that statement before I responded with something along the lines of: “Sometimes we may hide things away intentionally. Other times it can be less intentional”.

Yes, there are times when men may deliberately be secretive. This could happen in a range of situations where they don’t want someone else to know something about themselves, their thoughts, their behaviours or even their desires. But then again, I wonder if there is any difference between men and women in relation to these kinds of secrets?

On the other hand, I suspect that men may be far better at unintentionally being secretive.

What do I mean by this?

Well, given that men overall tend to express their thoughts, feelings and emotions less often, it is suggestive that when it comes to certain aspects of themselves, men will tend to hide parts away. However, this ‘hiding’ may not necessarily be intentional. It may simply be that they are uncomfortable about expresseing these aspects of themselves, or haven’t learnt how, or possibly they’ve been raised in a way that specifically cautions them about expressing these parts?

So, could it be fair to say that most men have many secretive aspects of themselves? Secretive … because the people in their lives have no knowledge of these parts? Secretive … because the men themselves may not even be fully aware of these parts within themselves either?

Do you have any secretive parts of yourself? Are there parts of you that others don’t know about? Are there parts of you that you don’t really know very well either?

It’s not always appropriate to share all parts of ourselves to everyone in our lives. It is normal to moderate our words and behaviours to the situation or the environment in which we find ourselves. In fact, some of the most effective individuals in our society are really good at doing this.

However, are there parts of yourself that never see the light of day?

Do all men have these kinds of secrets, or just a few?

Do you?

Harley Conyer

Menstuff

At the same time I’ve heard many men say that they often feel that their partner is expecting them to share these feelings and emotions, and yet they don’t have anything to say, or don’t even know what to say.

Given the stereotypical way that some men are raised, with a sense of needing to be, and seen to be, strong, men often haven’t had an opportunity to learn the basic skills of talking about what is happening for them in their internal world.

I’m not suggesting that this applies to all men. There are many men who are not only effective in communicating more deeply, but exel in doing so. But my experience suggests that these men … the men that have these skills … are not necessarily representative of the majority of men in our society.

“Talking about Now”, as I call it, is one of the foundation skills that can enable men to begin to learn to talk about their inner world, and at the same time build deeper connections with their partners. In fact, by using this simple tool, I have no doubt that many men will surprise their partners … with positive results. “Talking about Now” will help women to feel closer to their men, and will help to deepen the relationship.

So, what is “Talking about Now”?

In simple terms, it is exactly what it says. “Talking about Now” is about simply talking about what is happening for you right now, in this moment in time.

For example, as you read this you may be thinking “I’m not ever going to be able to learn something like this”. If you were in a conversation with someone then you would simply say “I’m feeling like I’m never going to be able to learn something like this”. It’s simply taking what is happening for you in this moment, and expressing it.

Or perhaps you’re in a conversation with your partner and they’re asking you to express your view on something … and you don’t really know what to say. In this case you would express what is happening for you … perhaps “I feel like you want to hear my view, but I’m not really sure what it is”, or possibly, “I’m feeling pressured to give you an answer at the moment”.

In both of these cases, you are not actually answering the actual question that may have been raised in the first place, but you’re simply Talking about Now … you’re simply talking about what is going on for you at the time.

And when your partner responds to what you said, your next response is simply to Talk about Now again.

Talking about Now may mean expressing any number of things that are happening for you. Some examples are:

• When you say that I feel like I don’t know what to say
• I’m starting to feel angry at the moment
• I feel like you’re annoyed with me
• It feels like my head is starting to spin

Talking about Now has a number of benefits:

1. It allows you to engage in discussion with someone without necessarily having to know anything, or figure out anything
2. It helps you to begin to notice what is happening in your internal world, and as you practice Talking about Now you naturally get better and better at it
3. It helps to meet the often unspoken need of women to connect more deeply with you. Women usually want to know what is going on inside of you but don’t always feel they can ask
4. There is no wrong or right answer. No-one can legitimately criticize what you’ve said when you simply talk about what is happening for you, especially when you start the sentence with ‘I feel’
5. It allows you to bring a conversation back to a level that you can relate with

To get the most benefit from “Talking about Now” you simply need to start to use it and to practice using it on a regular basis. One way to start is to say to yourself what is happening for you now. So Talk about Now to yourself. As you read this … what is happening for you now?

Harley Conyer

www.menstuff.com.au

• Do you sometimes feel that something is missing in your relationship?
• Are you at an early stage in your relationship and want to get it off to the right start?
• Has your relationship lost its spark?
• Do you struggle to communicate on a deeper level?
• Is there an imbalance of power in the way that you and your partner engage?
• Would you like to take your relationship to the next level?
• Do you aspire to having a better balance of the masculine and feminine with your soulmate?
• Do you long for more intimacy with your partner?
• Is your lovemaking still about making love?
• Is your relationship ripe for renewal?

If you can relate to some of these, then CoupleStuff may be the answer you’ve been looking for. The next CoupleStuff Workshop is on 30^th & 31^st July 2011.

For more information go to http://www.menstuff.com.au/workshops/couplestuff-workshops/

www.menstuff.com.au