Comedy-Quotes.com

George Carlin on Religion

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 05:05:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] In the bullshit department, a business man can't hold a candle to a clergyman. Cause I gotta tell you thee truth folks, I gotta to tell you the truth, when it comes to bullshit. Big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. Religion easily has to be the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man, living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do and if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time... But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. He always needs money. He's all powerful, all perfect, all knowing and all wise, somehow he just can't handle money. Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, h-o-l-y shit. I want you to know something, when it comes to believing in God I really tried, I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that but I gotta tell you the longer you live the more you look around, the more you realize something is fucked up, something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the ice-capades. Something is definitely wrong, this is not good work. If this is the best that God can do, I for one am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the type of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all powerful ass a long time ago. By the way, I say this guy because I firmly believe, looking at these results, if there is a God it has to be a man. No woman could, or would, fuck things up like this. So, if there is a god, I think most reasonable people agree that he's at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't give a shit. Which I admire in a person and which would explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing in all of this is in the hands of some spooky, incompetent, father figure who doesn't give a shit.

Dane Cook on Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 1

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:32:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] You gotta find that right person and it is brutal, it really is, if you're in a relationship and you're with somebody awful, I call that a relationshit. But it does happen. When you're with that person, you start arguing about nothing. Right? That's the thing, you start getting into the weirdest. You're trying to find things to argue over cause we can never just be adult, and look at each other and go :- "You know what, hey, come here. Umm, we're fucking over, aren't we? Alright you go that way, I'll go this way, it was good times." Na, instead you're just like :- "Let me just stick around for 5 or 6 more years and we can end this violently. Lets do that." Girl's you'll stay in a relationship with a guy you don't like and you'll make the weirdest excuses to stay. Your friends will even see it, your friends will be like :- "Lisa why don't you just go. Seriously. Lisa we're here cause we're concerned about you and he's a dickwad. We want you to just go." She'll be like "I can't just go, I can't just go Karen, it's not that easy. OK. Like you guys just thing I can go, it's not that simple, my CD's are in his trunk." So you start fighting, fighting over the weirdest things right? Just weird stuff "Honey! Why don't you put the DVD's in order?! So I can find Uncle Buck the second I wanna watch it. This shits all scrambled up cause you're a retard. Why don't you put things in order? In order. Now fight me for 3 days cause I'm bored." And you get into it man. You get into it, the battle has begun, when you're in that kind of fight, when you're in that kind of conflict. Men and woman, we want two different things. We have two different destinations during that fight. Girl's I'm gonna tell you what guy's want. This is our goal during the fight. We want to make you cry. Yes. Not a lot of crying, not that heavy weeping, cause that's obnoxious, knock that off. No just that little tear, that one you try to hide by going (wipes eye) "Why would you say that." The second we see that little glistening tear we're like "Yes. I win. Ah Ha. I'm the winner. Go call your mom and talk for 4 hours, I'm going to play Xbox. I win, ha ha." We got our headset on "Hey what's up guys? I just made my chick cry - where's the Gatling gun?" That's what we want. Instant gratification. If we can make you cry we feel like a winner. Now, let me tell you something. Let me tell you why women, why you win 99.9% of all fights. Yep, yep. And I'll tell you why right now. Here it is. Because you are mental terrorists. You are brain ninjas. And you know how to get in there with your Katana and just cut us and disappear into the night. I'm gonna tell you right now, this is how they do it guys, I'm gonna help you so you know when it's coming next time. And you know maybe how to stop this encounter from happening. This is what's gonna happen. You're in the fight, Ok, it's going back and forth, she's preparing to say a comment, Ok, she's gonna comment on tap that she's gonna say, and it's the tiniest, it�s just a tic-tack sized comment. But this is a fucking detonater. And she's gonna say it, and it's gonna go deep into your cerebellum, and it's gonna sit there and at some point, three days later, 30 days later, it's going to explode, rotting you from within, I'm telling you now. She's gonna say this comment, and here's when you know it's coming.

Dane Cook on Relationships (Brain Ninja) Part 2

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:30:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] Physically, I can show you when it's coming right now. This is the physical movement that's she's gonna give to you. You're saying "Dane, how do I know? How can I prepare myself?" Here's when it's gonna happen. During the argument there's gonna be a point where she's gonna stop and change her game up. The minute she starts agreeing with everything you're fucking saying. Look out! You are in trouble, Ok. And I'll show you physically what's gonna happen, you're gonna see her leg do this. The moment her legs locks like this you've just driven into fuckville. And she's the mayor! So she's locked. Haha, They're lovin' it right now, they're lovin' it! Now at this point she's going to start agreeing with everything you're saying; and that's bad. The moment you start to hear her say "You know what, you're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. And I don't even know. Why would I even know because you're the star of right and we're all just floating in the sea of wrong as you go by in your ship of right. Just please, tell me, throw me a life-line so I know. You're right. I don't even know if I'm right about this. I could be wrong about right now. But you know. Why don't you tell me if I'm right, right now." Right there. The minute she starts hitting you with that you better be prepared because there's a fucking torpedo in the water, and it's comin' to get cha! Ok, so physically, this is what she's gonna do. She's gonna lock the leg. And as she's done with her little "You're right, you're right" she's gonna do something with her hand, with her arm, and it's always different but it always involves touching her own face and doing some wind shield wiper movement. Ha ha. She's gonna variety it up. It's gonna be something like this. And look for this, that's bad. "Uhm, no, you go, you go ahead." Now, this is what she's gonna do. She's gonna pivot her body, she's gonna pivot, then she's gonna take 3 to 5 steps. 3 to 5! 3 to 5. She's gonna slow down, cock her head to the left. She's gonna say the comment. She's gonna say the comment and here's the thing. There will be no empathizes. It will be very subtle, almost a whisper. Why is that? To make you listen. And it's going to be a destroyer of worlds. It's something like this. She's gonna do the thing, she's gonna turn. "Well, you're stupid like your father." Ha ha. And at first, that means nothing! At first we laugh at it. You say it, you walk away. "Ha ha, what does that even mean?! Bye! Ha ha." We have no idea you just fucking ninjaed our brain. We're gonna be in the basement 40 minutes from then just pacing. And it's going to slowing start to seep in. We're pacing back and forth thinking about it. "Ha ha, stupid like your father, ha ha. my father's a brilliant man! You don't even know!" Explosion. Now we're starting to spiral down. And so it's at this point we need to fucking fight some more. So what do we do? We come looking for you. We come looking. And we can't even remember the layout of our own house. We're like "Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry. Where does..." When we finally find you you're always in the kitchen. You're in the kitchen and you're feeling victorious, sitting there eating some Oodles-of-Noodles. And here's the mistake we make as guys. On the way to the fucking kitchen we didn't come up with anything to say. We have no dialogue prepared. And that's the first mistake because when we get in there right away what do we default to. We swear a lot more, we get louder, and we point out the obvious. Right. We come in "Oh yeah, you're just gonna eat fucking noodles. Is that what you're gonna fucking do, just eat fucking noodles on your ass. You're just gonna sit there uhh. You're fucking, yeah. And eat fucking noodles, is that what you're gonna do? Eat the fucking noodles? Yeah. Well, who bought the fucking noodles? Who bought the fucking noodles? Just tell me who bought the noodles and I'll leave you alone! I did, that's right, I bought the fucking noodles! Enjoy my fucking noodles! That I fucking bought, every box, mine! I fucking bought them. Hey, you know what? I fucking love noodles and I've loved them my whole life! I loved them, you know why? You know why I loved them? Because when I was a little boy my dad used to buy me all the fucking noodles I wanted, he bought me all the noodles, if I said "Daddy, I want some noodles" he fucking bought them and you know why he bought them because he's a smart fucking guy. You don't even know! You don't even know!" That's the last thing we have to say before we leave. "You don't even know. You don't even-you don't even know. You don't even KNOW!

Dane Cook on Grand Theft Auto

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:35:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.

Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 1

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 02:49:00 -0800

I just recently had to go to the emergency room. I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It's weird I mean considering calling an ambulance for yourself. Y'know. You call an ambulance for other people right? What are you suppose to say about yourself? "Can you come get me? Yeah I don't feel so good. Just come on in and I'll be lying on the floor." Just looking at the phone going "I don't know how to do this." I don't know what to do and it was at night so I drove myself to the emergency room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "No... after you." "Merge. Everybody merge. I'm only imploding." I pull up at the entrance to the emergency room, no valet parking. If that's not the biggest oversight in our solar system. If there was ever a time when you want to go "Can you park this cause I need to collapse immediately." But no I'm circling around the parking lot. "Can I park there? I think I'm going to die." 'I'm dying too.' "OK, go ahead. I'll go up a couple of levels." I don't care if your driving yourself or someone else to the emergency room you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you suppose to drop somebody off and go park a car? "OK you go in! Tell them you're shot! Ask them if they validate." So I finally park and I go in to check-in. They ask the most insulting questions when you check-in to a hospital. 'What seems to be the problem?' "What seems?!? ...Well it seems... It seems like everything on my inside wants to be on my outside. But I'm no doctor." What kind of condescending question. So they check me in to my luxurious half-room. There's a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he's moaning over there. I'm thinking, man they're never going to help me with him moaning like that so I gotta out moan him y'know. Quit moaning, we're all hurting. The floor's like a haunted choir. It's gotta be hell to work in this environment.

Brian Regan on Hospitals - Part 2

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 00:40:00 -0800

Nurse finally comes in "How are you doing tonight?" "I'm on a gurney. Do you have a pain killer or something? This is killing me." So she goes "How would you describe your pain?" "It's killing me. I don't know if you remember that part. Ouch." What, are we playing that pyramid game? "Umm. Excruciating. Horrific. Would rather have shards of glass in my eye. How do I convey this to you?" So she asks, "How would you rate your pain?" "4 stars. 2 enthusiastic thumbs up!" She goes, "How would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst?" Well, you know saying a low number isn't going to help you. "Oh, I'm a 2... Maybe the high 1's. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flintstone's vitamin and I'll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the 3's and 4's and such, if anyone's saying such ridiculous numbers." I couldn't bring myself 10 though, because I had heard that the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone cracked in half. I don't know if that's true, but, I thought, if it is, they have exclusive rights to 10. Now I'm thinking, "What was I worried about? Is there like a femur ward in the hospital. They would have heard about me and hobbled into my room." "Who the hell... Had the *audacity*... To say he was at a level 10?!? You know nothing about 10. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what 10 is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!" How could I possibly... I can't. So I thought, "I'll say 9. Then I thought, no, childbirth. I better not try to compete with that." And then I'm thinking, "You know what must be hell? Giving childbirth when your femur bone's cracked in half." So I said, "I guess I'm an 8." She goes, "OK, I'll be back." I'm like, "Aaw, I blew it. I ain't getting nothing with 8." But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, "The doctor told me to give you morphine immediately." So then I'm like, "morphine?? That's the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died... OK, I'm a 4... I'm a 0, I'm a -11." So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about 15 minutes later, just for the hell of it, I was like, "I'm an 8 again! Guess who's an 8?" When they finally check me out, I'm walking down the hall, I'm going say 8! Say 8! Say 8! Say 8! Happy 8 day! Did you get some 8? Did you get any 8?" What am I throwing? I can't throw a number... like Johnny Appleseed, "Did you get any 8 over there?" I don't understand my own visuals. I'm here throwing numbers around. I'm fine now, I think, I dunno.

Bill Hicks - How's your Job?

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:56:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] I started out in this club (The Comedy Store, LA) ten years ago. I want you to know I started out when I was 15 years old and it's kinda weird doing comedy when you're 15 and going up in front of strangers, I dont know these people and it's scary y'know. You don't know if you're funny, you dont know what you're doing. All the other comics where helpful if I had a bad show they'd buy me a drink or something y'know. If I had a good show we'd celebrate and I'd get a drink, pretty soon I was starting to get a little better people I don't even know would buy me drinks. Woman I dont even know would come up to me a buy me drinks and offer me coke. And I started doing coke and drinking every night. Woman I dont even know coming up every night and giving me coke and booze. ...I just wanted to tell you what my life's been like for ten years. How's your job?

Stewart Lee on Australians

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:31:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] Australians are very proud of being from Australia. It's an interesting country, Australia. In Australia it's illegal not to vote. Australia has a compulsory democracy. Bizarrely, it's compulsory to vote in a country where the citizens are, to be fair, perhaps least equipped to make choices. It's not their fault. Australian life has not prepared the Australian for complex choices, cos every Australian day is like a sort of decision tree of simple binary choices. Sleep or wake? Shorts or swimming trunks? Beach or park? Smoothie or heroin? Hepatitis or skin cancer? Up at the end of a sentence... Or down.

Bill Hicks on Girlfriends

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:26:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] My girlfriend left me after five years. I loved her more than anything in the fucking world, and she just split on me. Do you remember your first love, doesn't that hurt, isn't that hard to get over? But I think it helped my career... when she left me cause I'm a driven man now. I'm driven by a fantasy that one day this girl that I loved more than anyone in the world and I gave my heart to and she spat upon it and spun out the door. One day this girls gonna be living in a trailer park, some where in Oklahoma, swampy trailer ground with clouds of AIDS mosquitoes swarming around, blocking out the light from the sun, she has like nine naked little kids with rickets, they got birds in their hair and jam on their face and rats laying babies in their ears and they bring home dead animals they find at the side of the road to eat. And she lives with this ex-welder and he doesn't have a job and he's got fur all over his back and he's fat, like 600 pounds. He makes love to her with a broom-handle at night. And one night he's going to be romancing her with that stick and his heart is going to explode and she's trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid, sweaty, fish-belly cellulite and he's move like the tides of the ocean and his blood and phlegm and bile pours out of his mouth and nose into her face and just before she drowns in that vomit she turns to the TV and I'm gonna be on it.

Stewart Lee on the BP Oil Crisis

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 17:21:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn't it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It's ridiculous. It's like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he's sickened by his own desire.

Stewart Lee on Ironik

Fri, 13 May 2011 14:39:00 -0800

It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.

Stewart Lee on Nunchuckers and Grimestep

Fri, 13 May 2011 14:34:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] If you're under forty, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff. You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things. You've got, er... Call Of Duty 2. And BBC Three, you're supposed to watch BBC Three. There's all... Fast music on there and... Lots of comedians called Russell all jumping about... Talking about nunchuckers and grimestep, and it's not for you. It's not aimed at you, is it? But, you know, if you are... If you are under forty, then material about having children is irrelevant to you anyway because no-one under forty is going to have kids in this country (UK) ever again, because everyone under 40's grown up thinking that internet pornography is normal sex. If you're a young woman watching this, and you're trying to get pregnant, it won't happen if eleven men stand round you in a ring... Directing their... Attention... On to your face... Whilst casting doubt on your virtue... In guttural American accents.

Stewart Lee on Why My Grandad Hates The Japanese

Mon, 09 May 2011 04:00:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] For my granddad, I think crisps became a symbol of freedom, of liberty, and, um... When he got out of that Japanese prisoner-of-war camp, the first thing he did, he went on an insane crisps bender. And in one day, he had 4 bags of crisps. Er, a cheese and onion bag, 2 plain bags... And a fourth one he's not able to remember... What it was. He loves crisps, as I say, he absolutely loves crisps. He hates the Japanese, though. Because of the war, yeah, what they did. He hates the Japanese. He won't have anything Japanese in the house. If you were to come back from a Japanese holiday and you were to offer him a traditional Japanese holiday souvenir, like... You know a Samurai sword, or a whaling harpoon, or some violent pornography... Or, er... a young girl's pants in a bag. Well, he wouldn't have it in the house. He won't have anything to do with anything Japanese, even if the Japanese thing could help him, right? I'll give you an example of what I mean. About 2 years ago, my granddad's house was attacked out of the blue by a moth with a 400ft wingspan. And a lobster, a giant lobster, as big as a cathedral, came up out of the sea. And the moth was shooting, like, a blue ray at, er... Out of its eyes - vsshhh! At the house. And the lobster was whacking all rocks at it and stuff. You know, it was awful. And, um... And anyway, after about an hour, the phone rang, and my granddad fought his way through all the fire and he answered it and there was a scientist on the phone, and the scientist said, "I hope you don't mind me calling you out of the blue, but I've been watching the News 24s and I couldn't help noticing that your house is being systematically destroyed by a moth with a 400ft wingspan and a lobster the size of a cathedral." And my granddad said, "That's right, it's dreadful." And the scientist said, "I hope it doesn't seem presumptuous, but I know where there's... it's like a dinosaur lizard thing. And it's trapped under the Earth's crust, it's under the sea in some ice or lava or something." He says, "It's got... It can breathe electricity and, um... It's got... inexplicably, it has a human moral code." And he... He said, um... "I reckon if I shot a nuclear missile at it, I could free it and send it over to where you are and it would probably fight that moth and lobster and chase them off." And my granddad said, "That sounds exactly the sort of thing I need. And the scientist said, "Well, I'll send it over then." And my granddad said, "Thanks very much." Then he said to him, the scientist, he said... Um... "There is one thing, though, scientist, this dinosaur lizard thing, it's not Japanese, is it?" And he said, "Yes, it is. Is there...?" And he hung up on him. Well, his house was wrecked.

Frankie Boyle on English Royalty

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:00:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.

Eddie Izzard - I'm covered in bees!

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:46:00 -0800

[EXPLICIT] Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes. They've gotta want to be. "I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't want them to get away, I wanna keep em! They have too much freedom. I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I wanna walk in their footsteps." And their footsteps were like this: [running from imaginary bees] "I'm covered in bees!" Cause that's your job isn't it? They must loose it, beekeepers must loose it. You know, you're there, you've got the netting, you've got two thousand bees... [bzzzzzz bzzzzzz] and essentially you're trying to steal honey. [bzzzzzz bzzzzzz] [acts out sneaking up on imaginary bees] "Morning, morning, morning, hello, knock, knock coming in... Look there's a Ferrari over there, can you see that Ferrari? Yes, it's very fast isn't it... well morning, thank you..." They must be just walking back with all these bee round, and some point they must go: "What the fuck am I doing?! I'm covered in bees! Help!"