Welcome to S4M. I’m sorry to read you spent some time in the “Twilight Zone.”

Kind Regards,
Dr T

Current translation of a “husband wanted add” in the personal column…
#Wanted man to share my life and wants children (drone and inseminator)
#to grow old together (first 3 – 5 years as the father of my children and the next 15 as the provider of alimony, then the next 15 – 20 as a humbled human that will be thought of disrespectfully from time to time by absent children)
#has a positive attitude to life (a man that will not suspect for a moment because of his faith in human nature, that his life, at a legally predetermined point will become a living nightmare, from a highly skilled ambush predator – me )
#well educated (has a good job and income to maximise alimony payments)

For all you young guys out there considering marriage for the first time, be kind to yourself and your potential future family and just don’t, use a condom, get an interest, play sports, get a degree! Have em as friends, sporting partners drinking buddies… but what ever you do, do not do what nature intended you to do, because fellars society is so perverse and perverted you have a better than 50% chance of having the crap kicked out of you emotionally every day for the rest of your life … The same stats as being alive after one mission as a tail gunner in a lancaster bomber during the battle of Britain! Though they didn’t really have a choice ….

A second point is that your conviction that she was married to an absolute loser may be unfair and possibly completely untrue. Perhaps he’s unstable, but has it occurred to you that his behavior may have been an unstable response to her behavior? That SHE mind fucked her 3 teenagers, not him? Of all the things my ex-wife did, the three I still have a hard time getting over are a) the lies she told about me to our children and family and b) the lies she told me about a and c) how much of the distance and problems I had with my oldest son were greatly exacerbated by my ex due to her lies (parental alienation.)

Here’s the thing about c. My ex adamantly denies it and in her mind, she’s right. That’s how cluster B’s are. Until we went to marriage counseling, I thought my ex remembered the things she did to me and was pretending not to out of shame. The counselor helped me realize that she has no shame and has been disassociates herself so completely from these events that she truly doesn’t remember them. In relation to your comment, this means that the story of our life together as told by my ex-wife is, and always will be, true only inasmuch as it makes HER look good.

(This self-deception is so complete that during our one post-divorce argument, she lost track of the lies she had told and used things I had said almost verbatim as being her side of the story.)

One of my most important epiphanies was to realize that my ex-wife’s “stable moments” were ultimately a lie, which is why she couldn’t sustain them. They were longer at the beginning, as yours are, but then shortened, as yours will. Yet, I can predict now that you will begin to place truly aberrant behavior in the “stable” category. Later, you will be pissed at yourself for doing so and not facing reality.

My suggestion: suggest counseling. I predict that she will lose it. Odds are she will lecture you about how she’s educated and doesn’t need anyone telling her what’s normal. If she does do this, leave immediately. Any psychologically healthy person will accept couples counseling. (I’ll go so far as to say that even non-cluster B’s boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses who refuse counseling should be dropped immediately.)

If she does acquiesce, find a good counselor and hold your girlfriend accountable by forcing her to agree to do specific things with the counselor. Eventually, your girlfriend will lose it in counseling and/or break her promises. (It took six weeks for my ex to do the former and just over ten for the latter. Be aware, though, that many can hold on pretty damn long and during that time, things WILL be great. If your girlfriend is a genuine cluster B, when it falls apart, and it will, it will be bad, so be prepared.)

PS. My ex does no hoovering. Neither do two friends of my best friend who were married/engaged to BPDs. One said something very helpful to me: “I’m now just a page in her scrapbook.” Meaning that he feels the emotional pain of their relationship while she feels nothing. My ex is that way. It hurts, but I’ll still take it over hoovering.

They claim Christianity and talk about sacraments in their e-mail as if they were righteous, but their actions are demonic. And of course, they went up to the priest afterwards, and I just knew they were telling him how awful I was and played the victim. (How dare she say our actions were horrible and abusive and bullying! No, *she’s* the bully! Now we may have to press charges if she keeps telling these lies about us!)

Before, I suspected she was BPD/malignant NPD, but that he was more benign narcissist. Now, I *know* that both are malignant narcissists, psychopaths. They started stalking and cyberstalking me–fake account to follow my blog, RSS feed when I blocked their IP, fake account to send me that hateful e-mail because their own accounts were blocked, checking my website and blog repeatedly. I finally had to shut down my blog, which had just started to get some 10-20 post reads a day, and start up again elsewhere, where I have no name recognition at all.

They told me if I went to the priest with my concerns, they would sue me for defamation. Apparently they’re allowed to tell me all sorts of horrible things about my character, and rip me apart over a misunderstanding, but if I call them on it, I’m a horrible, mean person. If I stand up to them, tell my story, and tell them to stay the **** away from me, that means I’m this pathetic person who’s “not all there” and who they feel justified in stalking and terrorizing. I never realized just how evil this woman really is! I’ve let the police know what’s going on. No charges filed yet because as yet, there’s nothing they can do: They can’t stop them from checking my blog, can’t stop them from going to my church. But I’m keeping a paper trail, and if they slip up, I can file charges.

My advice

Nobody is perfect but you can learn a great deal about a woman by her mother, her friends and how she handles herself in your arguments. If there is any resorting to physical abuse, move on quickly as it isn’t likely to get better, only worse. And if you ever retaliate in self-defense, you will be viewed as the bad guy. There should be no double standard here amongst the sexes, there is no excuse for hitting, kicking, etc EVER. So if you are with a women who hits, kicks, throws things, you need to move on and make her grow up or get necessary counseling on self control. Blaming someone else for why they do something or act a certain way is immaturity.

If she tells all of her friends about your fights and arguments and then uses what her friends say about your disagreements and fights, move on as she is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Remember you are not in a relationship with any of her friends, nor is she with them, none of them are perfect either so their opinion does not matter.

And if a woman has been married and divorced multiple times and says that all of them were bad men–there is a reason for it. She wasn’t a good enough woman to attract and keep a good man.

A person’s heart is where their treasure is. If you feel that they value their friends, careers, children from previous relationships/marriages, material goods, etc over you, they probably do. Nobody should ever marry someone who makes them feel less important than anything else. You make a lifetime covenant with your spouse, not anyone or anything else. Your marriage should outlast careers, children living in the home, etc.