Common Outlook Consulting

From Pain to Triumph

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:29:43 +0000

I came across a great quote the other day that I just put out on Twitter and Facebook:

Sorrow and hard times come to us to crack the shell that encases our understanding.
– Khalil Gibran

It is tied to another good one:

There are few misfortunes in the world
that cannot be turned into a personal triumph
if you have the iron will and the necessary skill.
– Nelson Mandela

I got both of these thanks to a video on leadership I own; a talk given by Robin Sharma while in South Africa last year.

As I reflect on the past four years of my professional life, this holds true – although it’s only recently that I’ve become able to say this. These past years have contained many, many disappointments, many stresses, many miscues, and A LOT of getting knocked down and getting back up again.

In the midst of that, I would be lying to you if I said that I was sitting there saying to myself, “Hey, this is a great growth opportunity.”

No.

I was saying things like, “Why is this happening to me!? This is unfair! Where’s my reward for all my hard work? What? AGAIN? This happened to me AGAIN? “

Sure, I can (and do) give myself credit for gaining lots of insights along the way, and for seeking out (and finding) growth opportunities at certain points in time, but I really think the overall theme of my mindset was some combination of surprise, bewilderment, deep deep disappointment, anger, frustration, indignation, a sense of injustice, and yes, sometimes even resignation and despair.

But now – I am delighted to say – I’m through the abyss.
I’ve let go of all the upset, and embraced the lessons.
This didn’t happen on its own, however, or by chance.
This is why the title of this post says “Hard Times Can Build You Up”
As Nelson Mandela so rightly puts it, it took A TON of will, and A LOT of skill.

Hard times can also break you down. At a minimum, they’ll knock you down.

Sadly, some of us don’t ever get back up.

Sure, we look like we have, but in reality we are a shadow of our former selves. An empty shell, walking around with a fake smile pasted on our faces. That, my friends, is the real tragedy.

Did I have the will and the skill on my own to grow from this all the time? Absolutely not. “No man is an island”, said John Donne (I’ve used that quote before). I got support from my wife, from friends, from other family members, from coaches, colleagues, mentors, courses, books, audios, videos, movies, even some TV series.

But I got there.

Now I can turn around and share what I have learned with others. And I am – starting right here.

Wishing you triumph out of pain.

The Great Tragedy of Life

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:57:57 +0000

I came across a quote today that I want to share with you.

It’s one I’ve heard before, but well worth repeating – and well worth remembering.

I was watching a leadership video by one of my favourite leadership thinkers – Robin Sharma. In the video, he shared this quote:

The great tragedy of life is not death;
The great tragedy of life
it is what we allow to die within us
while we live.

– Norman Cousins

So true, and so easy to forget.

In the same video, Robin shared another quote I am fond of, from a psychologist.

Adults are nothing more than deteriorated children.

From this, Robin generated a powerful question:

What would the child you were think of the adult you’ve become?

Words to live by.

Let’s all live with these quotes and questions as our theme.

What is Success?

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:40:08 +0000

Yesterday my wife and I received a beautiful card from dear friends, congratulating us on the birth of our second child.

In it, there were two beautiful and important quotes.

I’m sharing the first one today, which occurs to me more like a poem, in fact:

To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to have played and laughed with enthusiasm
and sung with exultation;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived -
that is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

In this material world we live in, where we are constantly tempted by (and measured by) the external signs of success that still leave us feeling empty, may all of us have the courage and perspective to keep reminding ourselves of WHAT REALLY MATTERS, as spoken so beautifully above by Emerson.

Speaking of what really matters, here’s a photo from yesterday our baby girl, now over a month old already:

Savour life’s special moments, life’s beauties, and yes, even (at least some of) life’s difficulties.

Collectively, they provide life’s richness.

Happy New Year from Quebec City!

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 04:36:50 +0000

Hi everyone. I’m back in the groove now, and recorded this little video for you from OH-SO-BEAUTIFUL Quebec City.

I’m offering some thoughts on life, on enjoyment, on choices, on living in the moment, etc.

I had the good fortune of living here for a summer a long time ago as a participant in a summer work exchange program, while I was an undergraduate university student. It is GREAT to be back.

Have a look, and make 2012 count!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOUwRuF9-zQ

A Fresh Start

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 04:04:27 +0000

January 1st, 2012.

The earth has completed another orbit around the sun.

It’s 10:45pm and I’m sitting down to write this brief note. I wanna get it on here while it’s still the 1st day of the year in my time zone.

I like firsts.

1st day of the week, 1st day of the month, 1st day of the year;

each one feels like a chance to start again.

I also like first-time experiences. The first time you experience anything is usually extra special and very memorable.

Think about your first kiss or the first time you fell in love; the first time you traveled to a place you longed to see; the first time you moved away from home. You remember them all, don’t you?

And I like the ring of 2012.

Not sure why, I just do.

By the way, the stuff you’ll hear increasingly this year about the Mayan Calendar supposedly predicting the end of the world in December is BOGUS, and is a waste of your mental and emotional energy. It won’t take you much to put your mind at ease on this matter if for some reason you are worried about it. Just read some articles published by reputable magazines like National Geographic or reputable newspapers worldwide and you’ll quickly see that the original notion came from a poor interpretation of the archaeological findings. Or maybe I’m wrong and the world will end. I doubt it though. Either way we should all be trying to be the best version of ourselves all the time anyway. If we do this more often than not, it won’t matter if/when the world ends.

But I digress.

Like a lot of people, I took a little bit of time off toward the end of December, and like a lot of people, I could use more. But I’m ok with it. I’ve already booked off certain days to give myself what I need in terms of “recovery time”.

I’m starting 2012 after another series of disappointments in my professional life last year, and yet another year of difficult business conditions. That makes four tough years in a row now. I have to be honest – it’s really tiring.

But I’m going to start fresh, and give myself what I need to make 2012 a year I’ll be really happy about.

My wish for you is that you do the same for yourself – especially if you’ve had tough times.

To a fresh start.

Time Off

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 05:36:32 +0000

Yes, time off. What a rare commodity it seems to be these days.

I’m just about to take some, thankfully. And, I’m going to hang out in a scene something like this:

BUT

Here I sit, writing this blog entry in the wee hours of December 24th. Literally, it is 12:24am as I type at my computer.

I just finished my work for the week. Sheesh! Now I will take exactly one week off before I get back at it on January 2nd (even though that is a statutory holiday in Canada). I know, I sound like I’m complaining – and I sort of am – but it’s ok really. I generally create ways to balance things out when my work gets out of whack. That’s supposed to be one of the advantages of being self-employed (although sadly, the research shows that most self-employed people – and most employees too – do not take advantage of whatever freedoms they have to balance things out.

Why?

Because of fear. That’s why.

Fear of what? Fear of somehow being harmed by setting limits and saying, “No, I’m not available for that”.

But our fears are all too often misplaced and overplayed.

And remember, all you have in this life is any given moment. If you give too many of those away to things you don’t value, you will wind up bitter and resentful.

I wish you all the courage to set boundaries that respect what YOU need.

For all those celebrating Christmas at this time of year (as I am), I wish you a very Merry Christmas indeed.

And to everyone, I wish you all the very best for 2012. Make it a year well-lived. That is my promise to myself.

Gratitude

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 03:10:53 +0000

There are no rules; no laws concerning Gratitude. If you haven’t developed it or don’t use it enough, you won’t get a ticket; be judged guilty; get sent to jail. You won’t lose your job or the respect of your colleagues either…for you’ve made it a rule to say: ‘thank-you’ and everyone seems quite satisfied with that. But let’s not fool ourselves: saying ‘thank-you’ is not the same as being grateful. Not at all.

A New Joy

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:11:21 +0000

Folks, just a very quick note here to say that my wife and I have just been blessed with the birth of our second child – another beautiful little girl.

Experiences like this are most humbling and remind me once again of the magic of life and the beauty of many small moments.

Here is our little sweetie:

May you all take time to savour small moments of joy. You don’t need to have a child to experience them – they are all around us if we just pause to notice.

NOW it feels like Christmas!

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 17:39:19 +0000

It’s December 1st! I love this month.

Yesterday Toronto had its first snowfall of the season – a very light dusting of about 1/2 a centimetre – just enough to give us a beautiful white dusting on the lawns, but not enough to cause any hassle whatsoever for the hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people who commute each day in the Greater Toronto Area. Perfect!

I don’t know about you, but nothing gets me into the Christmas spirit like a little dusting of snow. And to receive it the day before December starts? Well, that’s perfect.

I have always found it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit much before December, and have usually used December 1st as the time to really allow myself to embrace things. Sure, sometimes the occasional Christmas concert in late November feels fine, and of course there’s the Santa Claus Parade, which in many Canadian cities usually happens in late November. Those are ok, but really for me, it’s December.

Sadly, the commercialization of Christmas has many stores now putting Christmas decorations up before Halloween is even over! Ridiculous.

Why do I love this month?

Well…for starters, my birthday falls in this month, which is dandy. But the bigger reason is because of the Christmas season and all the gestures of goodwill and kindness that often come with it. Although I don’t give great weight to the Christian religious significance of Christmas, I DO give weight to the spirit of giving and generosity.

I think too many of us are too stingy with each other too often. (Yes, that’s 3 “too’s” in one sentence). We need to be more generous.

I’m not talking about being generous in material ways. We’re far too commercial a society for that.

I’m talking about a much more important form of generosity. I’m talking about a generosity of spirit; about kindness, about helping people, about making best-case assumptions instead of worst-case assumptions.

This, we could all do more of.

I am of course fully aware that in this wonderful multicultural world we live in, many of you reading this do not celebrate Christmas, and that’s completely fine. I’m not asking you to celebrate MY tradition. I AM asking you to respect it, but more importantly I’m inviting you to participate in the beneficial human dynamic it can foster: that spirit of generosity and kindness.

A final note: because of the power of political correctness (in Canada and the US in particular), I actually hesitated to write this happy blog post. But then I said to myself, “No. I’m not going to call this some kind of meaningless generic “Happy Holidays” message. I will share the beauty I see in the tradition I celebrate, and share that with you. I offer it with sincerity and humility.

Celebrate and give generously of yourself.

How to Use Your Intuitive Wisdom

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:54:11 +0000

In our left-brain dominated modern world, many of us ignore the inherent wisdom we all have residing within us. Worse, many of us don’t even know we have it in the first place.

This inherent wisdom is one of the most important sources of knowledge we can tap into in our lives.

So how do you access it?

One of the key strategies is to simply give yourself quiet time.

During that quiet time, your task is not to read, listen to music (unless it is very calming instrumental music – that’s generally ok), sort out your “to do’s” for tomorrow, or any of the other 1,000 things you could be doing at any point in time. No, your task is do sit quietly, close your eyes, and listen for what comes up. Notice themes and patterns. You might even ask yourself, “I wonder what my next thought is going to be?”

It’s also to give yourself time, period.

That is, if you’re trying to make a big decision, allow yourself a few days to sit with it. Even waiting one day is helpful, because while you’re sleeping, your subconscious mind is working on the puzzle. Ever notice how you’re noodling on a problem, then wake up the next morning with a bright idea about it?

That’s intuitive wisdom in action.

Next time you’re in the process of making an important choice – especially one you feel conflicted about – give yourself the time (and the quiet space) to find the REAL answer that’s right for you.

Cleaning Up Messes: A Great Energy Booster

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 14:29:38 +0000

Ever notice how messes drag you down? I sure do.

This applies to all kinds of messes, I believe: messes around the house, a messy office, a messy filing system, and especially messes in relationships.

That’s the theme of this blog post: cleaning up messes in relationships.

I’m in the process of doing exactly that with several important relationships. In all cases, I have already previously made attempts to clean up the mess, without success. In fact in almost all of the cases, the ball has been in the other party’s court for a while, but they haven’t taken action. Out of respect for their preference (and if I’m really honest, also out of a desire not to rock the boat excessively and upset them too much), I have sat, waiting.

But I’m done waiting.

Why? Because it costs me too much.

So I’ve reached out to people, put difficult topics on the table, worked some out already and I’m in the process of working others out, and the feeling is superb. It’s like removing shackles or heavy chains that were weighing me down.

The other benefit: in most cases, while it creates some discomfort for the other party initially, they end up better off too, because the mess was of course bothering them. They (and I) just didn’t want to crank things up enough to deal with it. What does it take? Courage.

My invitation: drum up some courage and go clean up a relationship mess this week (or at least start the process). I think you’ll be glad you did.

Profit in Conflict

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 04:00:56 +0000

There is good conflict and then there’s bad conflict. The first one gets resolved; the second one doesn’t. For years, bad conflict ensured good conflict couldn’t earn a dime, never mind a profit. But things are turning around. Figuratively and in real dollars, good conflict is generating hefty returns both in business and at home. And it’s achieving those results with very little initial outlay.

Radio Interview with Fredi Liu – Malaysia

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 14:07:57 +0000

If you’re itching to hear about some of the key differences between men and women in their approach to negotiation, and how those differences impact results, listen to Peter Hiddema, one of the world’s most respected negotiation experts, as Freda Liu Interviews him on Radio Malaysia.

Video Interview – HR Magazine Singapore

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 23:36:46 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0pf2yPEn-c Article – Don’t Wait Until Conflicts Arise By: Sabrina Zolkifi, Singapore Published: Mar 22, 2011 Singapore – Far too often, human resources (HR) practitioners only get called to manage a conflict when things have already gotten out of hand. Peter Hiddema, principal of Common Outlook Consulting and visiting professor of decision sciences at INSEAD, [...]

Battle of the Sexes

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 20:39:28 +0000

Do men and women really negotiate differently? Who’s the better negotiator? How do non-verbal communications affect cross-gender negotiations? To get the answers to these and other questions from one of the world’s most respected negotiation experts, listen to Peter Hiddema’s succinct and lively radio interview on ‘Ask with Michelle Martin’ (Source: 938 Live Radio, MediaCorp, [...]

Top 5 Sales Negotiation Mistakes

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 23:28:27 +0000

Picture the scene: it’s late in your fiscal year and you’re in the final stages of negotiating a big sale. If you land this one, you will exceed your annual sales target by 25% and your bonus will double. No doubt about it – you want this one. Then comes the bad news: to do the deal, the client wants a major concession that will erode the profitability of the transaction and set a bad precedent. You thought you had handled this objection earlier and put it aside, but you were wrong. What now? In this article, I will share some advice that I hope will help address challenges like this.

Shake it up!

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 22:29:16 +0000

How Master Negotiators ‘Get Bigger’ From the time of inception, we began to change. To say that being born; that coming out of baby and childhood was hard work, vastly understates the case, for the hurdles each one of us had to overcome were simply astounding. Generally however, between the ages of two and three, you [...]

What’s Wrong with Being Wrong?

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 01:36:11 +0000

Recently, I had the good fortune to be part of an audience where Peter Hiddema was speaking. He said a number of pithy things which I’ll share with you in future articles, but the one that hit me square between the eyes was that most people, upon making a mistake, feel themselves diminished by it.

The ‘Okay’ Gift

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 01:28:33 +0000

Your holidays aren’t going to be perfect…and neither are mine. That doesn’t mean to say we aren’t going to experience sublime moments, but to expect each day—each gathering to be only positive, is to invite that dripping icicle of holiday discontent.

“A Privilege to Give”

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 01:23:09 +0000

Every year at this time, Common Outlook contributes to a worthwhile charity. This year we have chosen the Toronto Foundation for Student Success: an arm’s-length charity of the Toronto District School Board. The TFSS feeds more than 100,000 hungry children in our city everyday, and it also acts as an advocate for students by initiating [...]

Deciphering Intention

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 02:39:16 +0000

Researchers at Harvard have discovered that babies as young as nine months old have a sophisticated understanding of social interaction. After watching two puppets make different decisions about how they share their toys, the babies are choosing to interact only with the puppet who shared. This leaves us to surmise that if the ability to detect social skills is present at such an early age, then surely those skills must be vital to our survival both individually and collectively.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B Cialdini

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 02:36:32 +0000

Have you ever gotten an unsolicited key-chain in the mail, and donated money to the charity that sent it? At Christmas time, have you wondered why it’s suddenly impossible to find that special toy your child wants? At some point in your life, have you found yourself wanting to keep up with “the Jones’s”? Or against your better judgment, have agreed to accept less-than favourable conditions in a negotiation?

In Praise of Slowness

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 17:08:15 +0000

The title of this article is also the title of a tremendous book I have just read, given to me by a dear friend and colleague. You know when you come across something that really hits home, and awakens a foundational voice you had inside of that was just looking for a way to express itself? This book was one of those events for me.

Friend Us On Facebook. Tweet Us On Twitter.

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:58:41 +0000

We are pleased to announce that the Common Outlook team has joined the great social media community of Facebook and Twitter.

Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook – A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius, And Betrayal by Ben Mezrich

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:49:07 +0000

With Peter Hiddema’s launch into Facebook, it seems only fitting we talk about Ben Mezrich’s account of how Facebook itself came into existence. His book is entitled Accidental Billionaires, and tells the story of a genius of an idea, and two best friends: Mark Zukerberg, a computer whiz; and Eduardo Saverin, a young monied scion, both of whom were socially-awkward Harvard undergrads back in 2004.

The Quiet Agreement (Negotiating With Ourselves)

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 02:42:29 +0000

When we think about negotiating, what usually springs to mind is two people sitting down together to discuss a contract or a settlement or a term sheet. Sometimes if we are far-seeing, or if we’ve taken negotiation training, we realize that the ability to collaborate also serves us well at home. So while we will say we negotiate in business, and sometimes recognize that we also do so at home,

Why Your World is About to Get a Whole Lot Smaller by Jeff Rubin

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 02:32:23 +0000

Transit fares in Canada's largest city recently increased by $.25 per ride. As an infrequent user of public transit (short distances in off-peak hours), I already do a calculation to compare the cost of parking with the cost of my TTC fare. I don't factor in the cost of the gasoline my car uses, I figure I'm not going too far, it can't be that much. If Jeff Rubin is correct, those days are almost over.

Changing of the Guard

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:26:22 +0000

It’s both a sad and happy time for the team at Common Outlook. Helen Latimer, a dynamic member of the team, is leaving to focus on her writing career. During her years with us, she has established terrific relationships with our clients. For the past few weeks, she has been working closely with Penny Steen who is taking up her role. Ms Steen comes with excellent Human Resource experience, and is known for her unique ability to guide executives, middle managers, and professionals through their career, business, and life challenges. We wish them both the very best in their new ventures.

Forgiveness

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 01:09:40 +0000

One of the most difficult things we all have to do is to forgive someone who has done us harm. Whether it’s an investor who has swindled us; a boss who has taken credit for our work; a neighbour who has labeled our child “a bully”; a family member who has cut us out of the will, or a friend who has made a slighting remark, we all face the challenge of forgiving those who have trespassed against us.

On the Move

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:44:58 +0000

Common Outlook is moving west, from Bayview Ave to Yonge St. staying in midtown Toronto. For visitors, we're seconds from the Davisville subway stop. Our Telephone and Fax numbers remain the same. The new address is: Common Outlook Consulting Inc. Davisville Centre 200-1920 Yonge Street Toronto, ON M4S 3E2

Happy Holidays

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:38:15 +0000

From Winter Solstice and Christmas to just being with family, there are many ways to celebrate at this time of year. However you choose to mark the season, we send you good wishes and cheer and thank you most gratefully for your business.

A Summer of Good Works

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 14:35:26 +0000

Common Outlook's founder Peter Hiddema found a wonderful way to not only help people grow and build stronger and more productive relationships but to raise awareness and money for a simply remarkable organization: On the Tip of the Toes Foundation (Fondation sur la pointe des pieds) www.pointedespieds.com. He did this by joining a group of intrepid travellers for a kayaking adventure in Greenland.

Liar’s Poker by Michael Lewis

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 17:56:23 +0000

About 10 years ago, I was living in California and decided to pay someone from an investment bank to provide advice on where to invest my hard earned savings. I figured the investment bank had been around for a long time and since it was making money, I would too. Oh, if only I had [...]

Getting to Resolution Turning Conflict into Collaboration by Stewart Levine

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:34:47 +0000

According to Stewart Levine, "Many people have difficulty accepting that life is filled with surprises, conflict, disappointment, and unmet expectations. These things happen-consistently and predictably." It's easy to fall into the conflict is 'bad' trap and in his book, Getting to Resolution, Turning Conflict into Collaboration, Levine reminds us that conflict and problems are opportunities: [...]

By Way of Introduction

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:59:09 +0000

For those of you just starting to work with Common Outlook Consulting and for those we’ve worked with many times, you’ll be familiar with the men and women who are the public face of Common Outlook. People like: Peter Hiddema, our founder, David Eaves, Gary McDougall, Amy Elizabeth Fox, Richard Dash and Jim Tull, among [...]

Persuasion by James Borg

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:43:16 +0000

It’s always a delight to find a book that can be useful to so many people regardless of the type of work they do. James Borg’s Persuasion, the art of influencing people is one such book and well worth reading. As Borg says, “The book will show you how to put yourself and your thoughts [...]

Take the Bully by the Horns by Sam Horn

Wed, 28 May 2008 16:23:27 +0000

A neighbour I can't seem to get along with is a bully. The problem started, as these things usually do, over something quite trivial. How such a small thing could have grown into an emotional hot-button between two adults still has me shaking my head in disbelief. Take the Bully by the Horns, by Sam [...]

A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:19:56 +0000

Daniel Pink Seldom have I had so much fun reading a book. From the Agriculture Age of the 18th century to the Industrial Age of the 19th century to the 20th century's Information Age, Daniel Pink's theory is that the 21st century will move us into the Conceptual Age. In the Conceptual Age, creators and [...]

beyond reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:23:09 +0000

Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro It takes much longer to read a book when you keep stopping to think about how differently you would have handled a particular situation if you only had known about the tools discussed beyond reason. beyond reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate is written by Roger Fisher, the co-author of [...]

Negotiate This! By Caring, But Not T-H-A-T Much

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 21:59:28 +0000

Herb Cohen Have you ever read a book only to find yourself wishing you had read it earlier? That was my experience reading Herb Cohen's Negotiate This! By Caring, But Not T-H-A-T Much. Filled with sound advice and fascinating examples from Herb's extensive negotiating experience, the book makes for interesting (and amusing) reading. Add to [...]