Firstly unless you are travelling with a companion (in my case sometimes my husband) you almost always sit next to a stranger. They remain a stranger only for a very short time .Usually it is the glance, slight smile and then a short comment until the tray table comes down.

That seems to be the cue to begin ‘getting to know you’ sort of conversation.  Along the lines of “where are you off to?” or “Are you on holiday?”  Occasionally it can seem like a short interrogation

If you live in New Zealand and you are going on a long haul trip you then make arrangements for sleep.  Once again this has habit and ritual when travelling alongside a stranger. Avoid all eye contact as they snuggle into their blanket. Ignore noises you normally only hear from your loved ones and try not to wake them when you inevitably need to go to the bathroom!

Travelling is rewarding at times you can meet and have really good conversations with fellow passengers.

Just beware of the chatty ones. Then you need to resort to the eye masks, ear plugs and hope they don’t bump you when they get up to move.

This is a recent photo taken in Kuala Lumpur with a group of participants

Listening to Cain’s talk., I realised I was guilty as charged – guilty of a bias towards extroversion as the ‘ right way’ to be. I remember years ago asking my wonderful introvert young daughter: ‘Would you like to invite a friend over to play?’ I was completely taken aback when she answered: ‘No thank you, Mum. I’d much rather enjoy myself’. This reaction was completely incomprehensible to extroverted me and utterly obvious to my daughter. Whilst I think I remember accepting the difference, I know I didn’t truly understand. If I am honest, the idea didn’t completely fall into place until I listened to this TED Talk.

Even if you are not an introvert yourself, you probably have introverts amongst your team – Cain states that 30 -50% of people are introverts and says that they live in a world that places a much higher value on extroversion. As a result, we are under-utilising the tremendous strengths of introverts. Take a look at the TED talk. Then think about how you might apply its ideas to positive purpose. If you are an extrovert, value the difference provided by introverts and give it room. As Cain says: “stop this obsession with group work!’ If you are an introvert yourself, time to glory in your style!

In New Zealand had either of them been knocked down by a car the headline would have read ‘Elderly man/woman injured…etc’. They are at an age where some might think they should be put out to pasture.

Our language has changed and defines how we see each other. In a blog written by Terry Wogan in The Telegraph he writes that a school advertising for a new staff member had the words dynamic and enthusiastic removed from the advertisement as “they are ageist” .

Are dynamic and enthusiastic now words only to describe the young and athletic or is this PC gone wrong?

How many of us would like to think that even if we have reached those ‘golden years’ we would like to see ourselves as enthusiastic and dynamic,able to confidently fulfil roles with our experience and attitude.

And as for Meryl and Christopher I’m sure they would be definitely classed in anyone’s vocabulary as dynamic and enthusiastic and stunning in their roles.

So lets reclaim language that fits all people who have the right attitude and confidence to do what they do do well.

That was back a few years….well, a lot of years. It turns out that such imitation is the very essence of what makes us human. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, neurophysiologists found what could be a major way that the human brain creates this unconscious mimicry and called it the ‘mirror neuron’. If they are right, our rapidly expanding knowledge of mirror neurons has very wide implications for understanding how social interaction happens – how we develop into socialised humans, how we can improve our communication, even possibly an understanding of the basis of civilisation itself. So expect to hear the term used frequently in many fields.

I am a little bit skeptical. In recent years, I’ve watched, at very close quarters, a relative make an exceptional recovery from a serious brain injury. A sample of one, I know, but it has left me in awe at the complexity, multi-layeredness and sheer unexpectedness of the connections in the human brain. The mirror neuron theory sounds almost too handy to be true – a bit similar to the gross over- simplification of the right brain/left brain dichotomy.

Still, who am I to know? Some scientists are expressing wariness. Alison Gopnik, Professor of Psychology at University of California, Berkley is one. She wrote the wonderful book, ‘The Philosophical Baby’, so she knows a lot about human social learning. On the other hand, the great V.S Ramachandran is a fan, so it can’t all be bad! The Integral Options Cafe has a good brief summary of some of the debate. Anyone have any thoughts on it?

How many of us put off having one of those difficult conversations. When we do have them do you still feel comfortable afterwards? Or when someone ‘tells it to you ‘ how good do you feel?

It is one of the most difficult communications to have when there is a relationship at stake. Yet it is the basis of a successful and deep relationship.

Thinking about your emotions and taking into consideration their feelings during an exchange of views is a hard ask; however if you can ‘say it as it is’ and keep the relationship intact you are doing well.

Likewise if you can ‘hear’ the other person and not put up the barricades or tear down their message you are keeping the lines of communication open.

Some of the tempting tools we use include :sarcasm (tempting though) , attack (yes it is the first line of defence) and of course the old favourites tears and the silent treatment.

None of these are conducive to maintaining friendship and add to the sometimes quick demise of your relationship.

It’s not easy having the courageous converstaion and sometimes they don’t work out as well as you would like .

When that happens always remember a sincere apology can work wonders.

1. Make a neutral observation – just say what you have observed, what the data shows or whatever.  

Then….

2. Ask  neutral open question.

It’s so simple that it works!  The links above will give you a bit more background information on both stages.

Here’s an example:

1.  Observation: ‘I’ve noticed our meetings usually go well over time.’

2.  Open question: ‘What do you think we could do about that?’

Simple, isn’t it?  Try it and let me know how you get on.

I often think we are like flies caught in mindsets that are self-inflicted Venus Fly Traps.   Knowing that you have a self-limiting belief and being able to do something about it are two different things. Often clients are very well aware of their particular negative mindset, but it entices them in with whispers of safety and suddenly, they are stuck.  People might compliment them on looking attractive - whilst their mindset says: ‘No you’re not!’; colleagues might see them as being very organised, but of course they know they are not.  So our mindsets hold us stuck.  We lie there, seemingly alive but inwardly writhing until the life-blood gets drained out of us…..arrgh!

Carol Dweck has produced some very interesting research about the importance of a ‘growth’ mindset is to our success.  It’s great to believe in your talents and attributes, but Dweck’s work shows that far more important is your belief that you can grow and learn.  This means that once you become aware of a negative mindset, you can overcome it if you believe that you can gradually change it. Dweck is talking here about mindsets related to intelligence, but you can see how it could relate to  any mindset. With a growth mindset, we are more likely to keep trying, to learn more about the skill, to seek feedback, learn from failure and eventually get free of our own  Fly Trap.

So through practice and constructive reflection, you can learn how to value the attractive parts of your appearance, or the semblance of organisation that you create.  Maybe whilst your choice of clothes might not get you on the front cover of Vogue, it could be good enough for people to be interested in you.  Probably, whilst you might not win a time and motion study award, your organisational ability might be good enough to get the job done well!

This isn’t about immediately turning that mindset completely around.  It is about believing that eventually we can alter it, working out how to do it, learning from when we fail. If you have a negative mindset, say about being disorganised, you could learn more about where you get that mindset from, work out when you actually feel organised, what you could do to help feel more organised more of the time.. and so on. There are enough flytraps around without creating our own.  Or have is that just a negative mindset?!

On my daily walk past, there’s almost always someone there taking a photo of a friend with the statue.  I’ve often wondered why the other interesting sculptures in the city don’t attract anywhere near  as much interaction.

The Science Behind the Smile, in the latest Harvard Business Review, seems to provide part of the answer –  we are inherently and deeply social beings.  The author – Harvard Psychology Professor, Daniel Gilbert- summarises the scientific literature on the key to human happiness as being ‘social’.  Whilst we  think that we would be happy if only we were wealthier, more famous, an All Black, or whatever, but in fact we are most  likely to be happy if we have strong bonds with  family and friends. What a relief for those of us who have recently realised we’ll never  make the All Blacks!

Happiness is the main focus of the first 2012  issue of the HBR.  After Gilbert’s interesting article , other writers  reiterate the importance of the social component to many positive  measures such as productivity. Outside work, high levels of social support are more likely to lead to longevity, whilst low social support is as bad for your health as high blood pressure.

A later article describes research showing that employees scoring the highest for providing social support are much more likely to receive a promotion in the next year, report much higher job satisfaction , and are far more likely to be engaged by their jobs.

Interesting isn’t it?  And it kind of makes sense on a practical level, doesn’t it? So John Plimmer, the so-called Father of Wellington continues to provide a social  service for Wellingtonians.