Conclusions of a Hypercritical Mind..

Into The Shining Sun...

2011-01-01T04:38:00.035+05:30

Sitting outside in the patio with a cup of steaming green tea in one hand at 4 in the morning on a (very) cold wintery day provides for the perfect air for contemplation. And with the year at its end, I can’t help but introspect. Nostalgia is the after effect of going through the past 365 days of my life.

Last year I was, during this very time, some 2000 Kilometers away from family and friends, in a completely foreign city, all alone. I had started my year in search for some answers. And serenity, maybe. Without submitting further into it, I shall just say that my mind was in turmoil regarding some recent developments and I was not happy. So I ventured off to a lone trip.

How glad I am that I undertook that trip. To impress upon you the after-effect of that wonderful lone journey, it’s suffice to say that my brother and I are planning to spend a week there soon enough.

I started my year when I was at my lowest. I am ending it by riding on the highest wave there ever was. And the high tide accompanies with it the prospect that it's going to end soon.

One of the major disadvantages of growing up too soon & having parents who allowed and encouraged you to make your own decisions since you were 13 is that by the time you finish of your teenage and take stock of your life, the number of decisions that you probably are going to regret is invariably higher than your fellow mates, who in all likelihood started taking real decisions an year or two back. In such a scenario, you have to be careful so as not to give into the feeling of despair at your past mistakes.

However, I learnt this an year too late.

The past year and some more had seen me being surrounded by self-doubt and regrets. I wasn't sure of some of my choices that I took, and always wondered why I even considered them in the first place. There had been so many moments in my life when I would just wonder how my life would have been had I done things differently. And the difficulty with analyzing a situation with 'What if….' is that it always lead you to believe that things would have been better, which distorts the perspective one should have.

It's only our choices that define us...

Yet, as I examine my each choice & the events that followed up, and consider them in totality with its culmination to where I am right now, I feel so fortunate and blessed. I am proud of my choosing, I am proud of my sticking with them despite my not trusting my own judgement.

Every single step I made seems to have fallen in the right places. Was I guided by some force…? I don't know. Do we really make conscious choices, or is it just our ego that believes we are taking course of our life…? I don't even know this. Someday I'll discuss these philosophical and theological questions.

But, at this very moment, I feel part of something bigger. I feel as if I am closer to Universe. Not because I don't have problems right now, or I am not cribbing. But because I can understand the nature of things at some subtle level.

All these months, I had been so close to the puzzle, trying my best at rectifying just one part of it, that I couldn't see the larger picture that was being formed.

And in midst of all these decisions, the most significant one is when I decided to let go.

The fishes, during certain periods of year, migrate. And in doing so, they search for some currents that takes them, without any hassles to their destined destinations. The fishes 'choose' their own current, and after that, they simply let go.
I, a piscean, am currently flowing with the stream. And I am not to keen of coming out of it too soon. Till it lasts, I just want to enjoy the view of where I am heading.

Had I done things differently in the past, I would not be here writing these very lines. And things have turned out so much better than I used to conjure them in my mind when playing 'What if..."

Yes, I do have regrets. But if given a chance to go back in time and change things, I would CHOOSE to not do so.
Maybe it's the green tea that is having this effect. :-)

But, I am happy.Yes, in accordance to my previous post, I still don't know how to define happyness, or state the criteria for it. But, I have realized that being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It simply means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

I had been running so feverishly after happyness for past 12 months, that blinded by the pursuit I ran past it in the very beginning only. And ever since then, the harder i tried, the farther I ran away from it. It's only when I looked back that I saw happyness trying to catch me. And all I have to do now is just stall, take a deep breath, enjoy the view and wait for it to catch up.

And in the past few months, I encountered few beings who in very short span of time became a part of the puzzle. These people, without even realizing bore the promise with them that things are not so bad. They never were. And as the final pieces of the jig saw were falling into places, I found hope. The pandora's box was finally within my grasp. And as I become part of another puzzle, I am not too sure wether I want to open the box yet.

Along with these new persons, I want to thank my 'old' Friends, who have been with me through all the thickest parts, juggling with my mood swings, withstanding my swears and rudeness. For without them, I would have broken by now; My family, for simply being there; and all those readers who kept on prodding me to write with their mails, thereby increasing my confidence to pick my pen again.

Never would I write about my personal life was something I had decided the moment I started with this journal. It's for those once in a while mails asking for my absence that I am breaking my this rule for once at least. It is to give explanation as to why I wasn't active in these past few months.

Conclusions:
And as I take the last sip of the tea, and watch the sun rise, I can't help but look forward to what's in hold for me next.
Because In the end, I know it's going to be worth it. It always is.

P.s- Happy New Year to all the readers, commentors, and lurkers.
P.p.s- By the way, how's the new theme??

-Setu 'Se2' Gupta

Felo-de-se

2010-08-01T22:10:00.002+05:30

NOTE:-Please do not look for the meaning of the title before reading the story below as it will ruin the effect that the author wanted to build. Its an essential requisite.

This is an entirely new forte. I have never ever tried writing fiction. This was only done after a suggestion of a friend. Hope you enjoy whatever has come out of it. :)

She waded through the clump of grasses, struggling to reach the narrow strip of path, that is devoid, save few patches, of long and dense thicket of grasses, characteristics of a typical tropical evergreen forest. On reaching the trail, she walked on, in an assured manner, as this was the path that she was well aware of. So much so, that even in darkest night, she would be able to find her way to the other end. Walking along this path to fill the large bucket of water from the river had been a daily ritual for her since the past 2 decades. It had been due to her, and her ancestors’, regular and diurnal treads to-and-fro along the same path, which had led to it being bereft of shoots and grasses.

However, this time the purpose of her stride was different. It was daily at dawn, at the cluck of her pet hens that she used to walk the path to fill the bucket.

And even though the sun was at horizon, it wasn’t dawn this time. It was Dusk.

She shivered as the chilled wind touched her naked arms. She was aware that it would be cold and windy, yet she wore only a thin piece of clothe just to cover her modesty, the only thing she was left with. And besides, she did not want that her better clothes should be thrown away after today, which she was sure would happen had she worn them. At least, her little sister could still make use of them.

As she continued along the road, slowly, she pensively gazed at the trees, the sky, the rocks and mountains. It was as if she was memorizing the details of each and every aspect of things, animate and inanimate both, which had constituted her life. Yet she appeared to be in a dreamy state. Unaware of everything around her.

And she continued on, slowly. Unhurriedly.

The sun was now almost touching the horizon. Few minutes and it will sink, vanishing for the day, only to re-appear. But she was almost there. She would be besides the tree on the shore of the river any moment now. She had to reach before it sets. It was imperative.

As she walked the last steps towards her destination, she realized that there was silence all around. The forest was never silent at this time of day. Birds return to their nests and nocturnal animals begin their scrounge for prey at this hour. Yet, today everything was still. It was as if, even the forest was aware of what was to come. And it had stopped to witness the act. And maybe to show its discontentment.

There was melancholy. As within so without.

She finally reached her spot. On the edge of the small river she sat, nearby a tree. She reached out and touched the tree. It was her tree. It was the tree that was planted by her father the day she was born. And she knew this was the place where she needed to perform her final act.

She looked at the sky to determine how much time was left. Around 10 minutes was what she estimated. The sun would sink in just 5 minutes. And so would her sun.

She took out the flowers from within, where she kept them safe, close to her bosom. She inhaled them, and kissed them. Slowly she grinded the petals, as well as the stems, and added to them few drops of the water. And with steady hands, she swallowed the mashed petals and stems.

Moments later, she started to talk to herself. And she talked in a melodious voice, as if singing to herself. And her singing was accompanied by her dance. Had there been a witness to the scene, the words recorded by him would be these.

“Ahh….the end has come, all things said and all things done.

This paste will relieve me of all my pains, so the wise woman had said.

These are flowers from the plant Digitalis lanata, as the learned called,

But to her the plant was Tilpushpi, the name given to it in India.

It was from there the wise woman had got the seeds,

Because the flowers yielded excellent ointment for wounds to treat.

Yet these were dangerous, as they could stop the heart from beating,

And in few minutes the person would be dead and his soul would be leaving.”

She danced and sang these words twice, and then fell down. Yes, she thought to herself, it was working. The wise woman had said that the first sign would be that her legs would go weak. And she slowly crawled towards the tree, struggling yet smiling.

The tree was different because it was parallel to the horizon. So she climbed and lied down upon it. She had gone to sleep like this many a nights. And today too, she would go to sleep. Never to wake up again.

She let her hands fall, and touched the water, generating tiny ripples. The water felt cold. She remembered her father once telling her that life originated in water. And she smiled at the co-incidence that her life is ending near it.

A squirrel came running from nowhere towards the river. It looked intently at her for few moments. She asked him to carry a message to the entire forest to look after her sister. It was as if the squirrel understood her because she scampered away immediately.

She knew the time has come. She lacked the strength to turn her head and look at the sky. So she looked at the surface of water hoping to witness the last rays of sun. It was as if even nature wanted to fulfill her last wish because she was able to do so. The sun appeared all bright and hazy. As if there was a halo surrounding it. It’s the effect of the flowers. The wise woman had warned that this would happen too.

Within three breaths the sun vanished, hidden behind the other edge of skyline. And she closed her eyes.

The sun has gone down, only to rise again.

Her sun has gone down too, never to rise again.

-Setu 'Se2' Gupta

A Memo to Self-I

2010-07-28T10:17:00.001+05:30

These are actual Post-it Notes that are on my table. Some are written by me, Some by others. Yet, I can relate to all of them.

Marriage: Faith v/s Love

2010-07-27T02:05:00.001+05:30

This entry was written when the author was attending an assemblage in Lucknow. The conglomerate consisted of people from all over the world, with sole intention of a spiritual progress. Cliché? If so, try to continue your endeavor of analyzing the underwritten conclusion without a prejudice….It might just be worth it.

Right now, across me sits a newly wed couple with hands in hands, sharing a single chocolate pastry, and hardly saying anything. The bride is wearing the typical Indian Wedding Saree, while the lucky groom is wearing a very simple T-shirt and Jeans. Romantic? Think twice, dear readers of mills and booms cuz this isn’t your typical guy-meets-girl-and-fall-in-Love. It's far from it.

They have never met ever before except a day before, had absolutely no idea of with whom they'll be tying the knot (pardon my Indian-ness, I prefer saying this then 'taking vows'), not even the nationality of their to-be-beloved, when they landed on the Indian soil a week ago. Yeah, they got married today in front of 70000 people they have never met before; to a partner they met a day before, by a custom with which they share no familiarity(actually, they got married in less then 5 minutes as it was supposed to be a union of soul, so no rituals). The only solace being that all this is being done under the guidance and blessings of the one person they love the most- they one they call their GURU.

I know it sounds weird, crazy, idiotic, creepy and to some even eerie. Accepting to spend your entire life with a person you know nothing about would be beyond your ability to comprehend, if you have had no inkling to the concept of arrange marriage that still prevails in the Indian society, as opposed to the western culture. But let’s just go down the memory lane of Marriage, and see if it really is that weird to spend the remaining part of your existence with a stranger….!

The cave men in the pre-historic epoch, led a life guided by animalistic instincts- to feed and to re-create. However, their excessive sexual drive(maybe due to the absence of clothed female partners*grins*) led them to have coitus with many partners. This led to the archaic version of the modern paternity issue.

HAHAHA...LOL!!

“Who was the Father of the new-born?” was the question that troubled the Phallus bearing member of the society. So as to ensure the fidelity of the female, and to ensure sole access to the female, the concept of marriage was idolized. In exchange of responsibility to feed one or many females, the male was ‘given’ their hand to him.

Then, with beginning of society with rules and laws, the concept of marriage progressed from a whimsical institution of pro-creation to a medium for strengthening alliances. Kingdoms were won by marriages and fights were fought for marriages. Even then, the parents decided the fate of their children.

Taj Mahal-Symbol of love/Marriage?

For centuries, marriage was familial affair, with union based on common goal. And it wasn’t that the union was a loveless one. Some of the epic love stories like Shahjahan and Mumtaz, or Jodha-Akbar etc can be cited in my defense. Yet, the idea of marrying someone we don’t know, let alone ‘love’ seems too revolting to us. Yes, even to me.

The idea of loving and then marrying, rather than the other way round, originated with the propagation of individualism in the western world. Shakespeare played his part; portraying dying for love in such a subtle way, that youth of his time would rather die without love, than live without love. And the idea has since then continued. We wait for the right one to come by, till then we ‘enjoy’ with the ones that pass by.

Consider this. In 1982, Dr. Usha Gupta and Dr. Pushpa Singh of the University of Rajasthan surveyed 50 couples in the capital city. Half of them had arranged marriage and other half constituted the married based on love, with couples being together for varying length of time. Each person separately completed the Rubin Love Scale and the results were analyzed.

Result: The couple that have had love marriage and were together for less than a year score average of 70 points out of 91. However, these figures gradually fall with time with average being 40 after 10 years. On the other hand, the couples in arrange marriage were less in love at the outset, averaging 60 points initially, but their feeling increased with time, reaching 68 after 10 years.

Arrange Marriage-Is it really a restrain?

So maybe, it indicates that love marriage starts out on fire but grow cold with time, but arrange marriages start cold but grow hot…or at least warm.

*Sigh.*

This brings me back to where I started. Their family members have now surrounded the couple, with the grooms’ mother supposedly fussing over her daughter-in-law. It’s hard to really know what is happening, as the groom is form Iran and bride from Iraq. A multi-national union is a rarity, and I'm glad to witness it. :)

Anyways, it reminds me that this entry wasn’t supposed to be about marriage at all. Yet it has become. It was to be about faith, about their ‘blind trust’ on their Guru.

It’s total surrender to his will that I saw today. And they weren’t the only one. 10 more couples were tied in wedlock. (And 6 the next day). It was this faith that got me thinking.

Some would say that they are fools. Might be. But some would say they are the luckiest. To have someone you can totally depend upon is the biggest boon one can ask for. May be.

But the point is, they were indeed the happiest. Because they trusted their Guru so much that they were ready to take everything they would encounter on their path as a part of Divine will, even miseries. And this relieved them of all cribbing, of all blames, and most of all, responsibility.

Conclusion:

I am not here to chastise the married couples, or to discourage you to undertake love-marriage. Nor am I here promoting Arrange marriage as the key to a happy married life.

I am myself fighting my own demons to have a proper conclusion right now. A week ago, I myself would have found the idea of marrying by someone else’s choice, even my parents, abject and atrocious to say the least. This entry was an attempt to understand those demons, and I have failed. Though it hardly matters, as its more than a decade before I’ll actually even consider saying, “to have and to hold……”.

Love, Hope and Prayer..all stand on Faith.

But Faith. It matters. It’s a funny thing you know. You don’t really have it until you have nothing at all. And if you have it, you need nothing at all. Some have faith I their parents, forever ready to their bidding. Some trust their spiritual masters, especially in India and Orientals. And the question worth considering is, do we really trust ourselves to make the right decision alone?

It’s still a long journey for me. Maybe someday, I will eventually stumble upon Pandora’s box. Till then, I guess I’ll have to struggle with you Mr. G.O.D.

-Setu 'Se2' Gupta

Quotes UnQuoted..!

2010-06-11T12:13:00.005+05:30

Yesterday, I received a mail from a friend, Sophiya. In it, she gave the following proverb as justification, as to why people close to us move away and eventually forgets us.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

It makes sense. Definitely. You do not meet regularly. Do not keep in touch. You are deemed to be forgotten. Simple.

But, as you know, I love antonyms. They make life so interesting, though complicated at the same time. I am sure you must have heard of this also,

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Now aren’t both of the sayings like saws, cutting at each other’s neck? Completely opposite. Antonyms.

It makes sense too. You miss those with whom you haven’t been able to keep in touch. This is the psychology behind the new-age lovers. And it explains the restlessness that we read about in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

So which one is it?

Saying number 1 is most often quoted so as to console the other person, or us, that there is reason why we are alone. That is why my friend quoted it. Because she wanted me to know that there is a perfectly logical reason behind it, and that it’s not my fault. It just happened.

Secondly, It also gives a hope. To ourselves we can say, “Hey, don’t be sad, its just lack of communication. Things will be back to normal with time.” And in the loneliest periods, it’s hope that we most desire. It gives us something to cling on to. False or not, it doesn’t matter.

However, it’s the second proverb, which appears to me true. That is what my personal experiences have been like. Maybe that’s because I am an emotional guy. I get attached to people to such an extent that their absence does affect me. And sometimes, you find no justification for their absence. And then you search for something to give you hope. Anything.

Anyways.

And then there is another proverb, or saying, or whatever you prefer to call them. It goes something like this,

“Familiarity breeds contempt.”

Now this is totally antagonist to the above two proverbs. But it is also correct isn’t it? The more intimate you are, the more you know the person. And more you realize the differences among you two. And then, with time it’s only these differences that matters and not what you had share. It happens. Even with best of relations, save few.

I mean had Mr. James Cameron kept this in mind, the ending of the epic movie would have been totally different. I wouldn’t have shed a tear or two at the end of the reel. And surely my concept of ‘love’ would have been different. It would have been in tune with reality.

For a moment think about it. Had Jack been with Rose for a week, and not just two days, before the collision took place then maybe he wouldn’t have given up the wood so easily. Arre, that’s taking it too far. Rose in the first place wouldn’t have jumped off the rescue boat. They would have realized that they are not meant to be. Rose is so used to the lavish life that even though she longs for freedom, she cannot conjure up the thought in which she won’t even have a permanent address. And as for jack, he has been a free bird all his life. Being tied down is impossible. They were madly in love, because they weren’t ‘familiar’ with each other.

I am not saying that it had to happen like this, had it been a real story. They could have worked out, and lived happily ever after. But which one is more probable?

Conclusions:

The entire set of the above three expressions make sense if you consider them deeply enough, even though considered together, none of them does. And anyhow, life is too complicated to be justifiable by a set of maxims. Human emotions makes our relations so elaborate that we’ll eventually run out of phrases to define them, or the cause for their failure.

Because as Voltaire said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

-Setu 'Se2' Gupta

In Pursuit of HappYness...!

2010-06-09T03:31:00.016+05:30

I am not happy. I accept it.

I had expected to start my journal with something funny that would hook people up, or at least on a more positive note. But lets face it. I am not happy.

This doesn’t mean that I am unhappy. No. I am not sad. I am not miserable, or depressed. And in no way am I suicidal. It’s just that I am not happy.

And I am sure its no big deal. 99 % of the world population is unhappy. But that is where it deviates. They believe they have reasons to be unhappy. I don’t have a reason to not be happy. Yet I am not.

What is happyness?

It’s one of the first 20 words my mum taught me. You know, the antonyms: papa-mummy, good-bad, happy-sad. It must have gone something like this. And life was so simple. You give me a chocolate. I am happy and you are good. The way it was supposed to be. Then we grew up. Only to realize that mum’s dictionary lacked the meaning of happyness.

So, tell me. What is it? I’ll give you some options:

Attainment of Nirvana is happiness. –Gautama Buddha

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. –Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness ain't a thing in itself--it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. –Mark Twain

Revered Buddha, if that is the case than the current generation is doomed. We all are still waiting for the second coming to save us. And by nirvana did you somehow mean Kurt Cobain?

Have you realized Gandhiji that by your interpretation Hitler should have died a happy soul? Reading his suicide note, I doubt it. Or maybe you forgot to add ‘with nature’ after harmony. Tch tch!!

Yes Twain sir, you have a point there. And we have a potential winner.

Think about it. Maybe he is right. We have always illustrated our lives by the two extremes of life. My mum taught me antonyms when I was two. Good-Bad. Happy-Sad. It’s 17 years fast forward and life is not so simple anymore. Absence of melancholy makes us deceive it as happyness. But is it really so?

What happened to superlatives and comparative adjectives? Weren’t they meant to convey the different degrees of happyness?

Okay, let us keep all that we have read by now aside. Lets start from scratch. Happyness is a feeling. Lets agree upon this. It’s a pleasant feeling. Someone just said that they love you. You are happy. Great.

But why happy? What happened from the moment you heard those words to the moment you feel happy?

With a background in Medicine, I can take a relatively good shot at the question. Your brain interprets those three words. It then realizes that it means something good. Movies have made sure of it. This excites the hypothalamus. And the hypothalamo-hypophysial system secretes what is known as endorphins. These chemicals act on your limbic region in brain, and you are happy.

And that, my dear friends, is the physiology/pathology behind happyness.

So why is happyness such a sought after thing? It’s just a chemical disturbance. It’s like a neurological disorder. Boom! It can happen to anyone.

Don’t believe me. As much as 50% of our state of happyness is characterized by our genes! Did I hear someone say happyness is in our hand?

And too much of happyness is good, right? And we are born to be as happy as possible? That’s what we all are striving for. That’s how we define the purpose of our existence, right?

An experiment was conducted to see what is the long-term effect of happyness on a mouse like increase in life expectancy, productivity etc. so that they can extrapolate the figures achieved to humans. For this, they made an elaborate cage for mouse, with everything he would require for happyness.

Yet they found he wasn’t happy. So they decided that rather than to trick his brain into releasing endorphins, why not inject it. But, then mouse is not striving for happyness. Purpose failed.

One of them had a brainwave, and he made some changes in the cage. Now whenever the mouse pressed a button on floor, he was given a mild electric shock in the skull that very precisely stimulated the release of endorphins. Pretty soon, the mouse worked up to the fact that pressing the button made him feel good, made him forget about the fact that he is in a cage, and made him unaware that he doesn’t know why he is here. As expected, our tiny little friend got so addicted to the feeling that he kept on pressing the button until, eventually, he died. The poor scientists must have really mourned the loss.

Need I say more?

It proves beyond doubt that none of us know what happyness truly is. And most of us have never even felt the happyness that is written in the books, in the scriptures. And it’s the one thing every single one of us is in pursuit of.

Maybe we are not even meant to be happy. Old testament explains it by Eve eating the apple. Greeks have their own myth about Pandora's Box. The moment it was opened, everything that could make mankind Unhappy escaped out. And it reminds me of The Matrix. Maybe Happyness is just an illusion, created so that we are forever trapped in it's pursuit, rendering us incapable of thinking about things that really matter.

Dissident? Yes.

Depressed/Pessimist? No.

We want to get a job so that we can be happy. We want to have a great partner, so that we can be happy. We take drugs, we drink, and we get high so as to release endorphins. The notion that money doesn’t make us happy, it simply makes us less miserable has been prevailing since last 4 decades. Yet that’s the only reference we find to measure our happyness. Again we forget that it simply tells us how less unhappy we are.

This entry has somehow ended up with loads of question marks. And though these might look like rhetorical questions, they definitely are not. So if you can answer any one of the questions above regarding happyness, please do so through here. And if you can teach me the immortal skill to happyness, I’ll be your slave. Correction: A happy slave.

Conclusions:

Like everyone else, even I don’t know what is happyness. But, and, in spite of it I have realized that being happy is over-rated. We will forever be in pursuit of it. I am satisfied; I have almost everything I had desired since I was 10.

What I do know is that I definitely lack answers to some questions. Maybe it’s these questions that are the key to happyness. Or maybe it’s that I am deprived of the ‘happy-gene’, that has left me incapable of ever being happy. Or maybe I need to open Pandora's box. And find the only thing left inside it now. Hope.

Or maybe to be truly happy, I must let go of what it means to be truly happy. You do have a point here Confucius.

-Setu 'Se2' Gupta

P.S:-I stress again that, even though this might appear to some as a depressed piece written by a more melancholy guy than you have ever met, it is not so. I am a very happy normal teenager, who is experiencing mid-life crisis some 20 years earlier than he is meant to.